Monthly Archives: September 2014


The “Otherside” seems so far away from us all at the moment, but in reality it is not. What is happening at this time is that we are preparing to be Stand Alone in our Power, rather than being all alone in our lives.


I am often times accused of being very “Polly Anna” in the things that I feel are the basic ingredients to a spectacular life as a light worker. Light workers, by and large, are those people who have been through, who still go through, all the crap that no one on the planet cares to deal with. Some of us have known that becoming Stand Alone is not easy work. In fact, it is a bloodsport and our opponent is not the outside world, but ourselves. We are being brought to the task of, not so much getting rid of actual people in our lives, but more, clearing our lives of the energies that we do not need or are not useful for our growth or our shared mission in this lifetime.

The way that these things come to us are normally in the very most hurtful ways possible. One example I can think of right this moment is the fact that, after I dropped my youngest off at school, I ran out of gas. There I was, waiting for my dog to come bounding back to the car as normally he does (I love that guy), and normally he does so the very moment that he hears the car start up. This time, though, when it chugged to a hungry void of mechanical sounds, both he and I were a little bit confused. Yet, where is the confusion at really?

It was in me, because for the life of me I have no clue as to what possessed me to not get gas prior to …well, this morning?

That part is irrelevant, because eventually I made it home, and even as I was completely mortified by that experience, it taught me that sometimes I need to not be so damned unclear in my thoughts, because being unclear in my thoughts causes shit like this to happen. And shit like this is happening everywhere. Proverbially, we are each and all “running out of gas.” We want the old comfort levels to work for us, and it isn’t because we are lazy, but because we are tired, and we are ready for the great big changes, and we are, most of all, tired of having to hurt, all the way down to the middle core of us, in that place that I like and have titled a book called “The Bones of The Soul.”

We ache, all the way down to the Bones of The Soul

Yes, there is such a place, a place where everything that we have ever gone through exists, and everything that we have thought about, done, had, loved, hated – all of it, and it is that place which I have aptly called The Bones of The Soul.

My culture reveres the bones of the ali’i, the royal family, of the warring commanding chiefs, and to this day, there are many of us who still adhere to this ideal that whatever it is that we have done, felt, had in our lives, that our stories are contained in the bones that we leave behind, the skeletal remains of our physical selves and the physical proof that at one time, we existed.  Everything that we are is supported by our skeletons, and at the same time, it is the very “skeletons in the closet” which also weaken us, also make us believe that who we are is not valid in terms of our wanting to be whole, wanting to have relief from all of the madness that comes with the life and the learning of light workers.

Life, Learning, and why it is such a harsh bunch of lessons for those who are in training for the most beautiful time in our lives

We go through the things that we do for a reason. I am not the only one who has been told this, not the only one who knows this, lived and lives this. There are lots of us who are, at this very time, going through a LOT of things that just plain old suck in terms of comfort, in terms of security, in terms of “life as we know it” or “life as we thought we had designed it to be.” Life, as you are all finding out, does not and never will work that way. There are always detours along the route to beingness, always another way that we are being led on the Path we walk alone, and the journey we share with others.

Our lives are not meant to be a joke, not meant to be the way, at least outwardly, the way that it presents itself. I thought that what I wanted was the nice little life at home with the kids, running my own silly little “home based business” like I was told that all moms at home did. I couldn’t do things that way. I had to be in motion. I cannot sit still for too long. My brain does not like being idle. It is always going, always thinking, always making sense of one thing or another. My own security of self has always been my ability to think, my ability to be able to discern what is the truth, and if what I am looking at or thinking about is NOT the truth, I think more about how it is that what I am perceiving can somehow be utilized for my own evolution, and always, I can use what it is that I am faced with. No matter what.

No Matter What

In the daily things that happen in our lives, we find that there is a particular theme to the things that we are currently and each going through. At this time and in my own life, it is the things which are contained within the word and the reality of “Family.”

I was taught that, no matter what, family will always be there for you. What I have learned is that the word and the energy that is “family” has MANY varied meanings, and more than that, once it is that you have grown tired of believing what others have told you, or more, what others have expected you to believe, namely if you are NOT caring to believe it and for no other reason than that it is not YOUR way of doing things, you tend to get a whole lot frustrated, and for nothing more than that when you think about what is, to other people, the energy that is “family,” and what you have seen and been given and know as being that energy, and that energy no longer matches what is yours, whether we like it or not, the lesson is NOT that you are without family, but that you, yourself, must redefine what that means, NOT for what you thought it was, but for what you know it to be right in this moment.

For too very many of us, we have been cemented to the idea that “family is blood.” Well, I have a different take on what is, and more, what is NOT “family.”

Family is not a group of people who shares DNA and a grandma with us, at all, because if that were the truth, there would not be a need for therapists and life coaches like myself to be there when said same family decides that they have the choice to shun you if you do not conform to what is their ideal of what is normal. I have gone through this my whole life, the idea that “family” is blood. I am proof that no, it is not. This is not to say that there are not people within those blood-ties who we do not identify with, who we do not love, and who are not our own definition of “family.”

Family is NOT meant to tell us only what they think is not right according to them. Again, I have gone through this, as well, my whole life, and anyone who is blood related to me and reading this right now and who are taking offense to my words – please, don’t bother, and, in fact, get over it. You know what I have gone through, and you know that I needed more than what I was given, and the bitch of it all for those of you who think I am being a “bad kid” is that I no longer care about what you all think of me. You have always thought of me as the familial whipping girl, the poster child of what happens to a person when they don’t conform to the “rules” of a last name, of all things, and really, I have grown used to the idea that none of you, with exception to the very small number who actually love me enough to accept this me, have ever or will ever accept me, as this me, and it is because I also refuse to think like you guys – with a pack mentality.

Family is NOT meant to only see what it is that they don’t like about us, and they really haven’t got the right to expect that they will change who we are to fit their ego needs. It won’t happen that way, ever. Family is not allowed to judge us, but they do, and they even expect that we will agree to everything they want to see happen, without regard to our also being a human being with our own thoughts and our own opinions about anything at all. It is the pack mentality that breaks us every time, because not all of us were born into this lifetime as part of a pack…some of us were born and meant to shine on our own, because our light is so big, that it is automatic that we do not stay in the beingness that is “alone’ without one day living and actively being Stand Alone.

It is not from the place that we receive the gifts of the relief that is being who we are, at all. It is from the place that is who we are not where this gift comes from, where it is that we are so different from the pack that wants us to be part of their …family…that rather than allowing us to just be who we are, how we are, what we are, all the time, and just loving us on that level, the very level that is the respect needed for us all to go forward and be happy in the skin we are in, they push, and manipulate, and cause hurt…they tell us lies, they give us grief, they do things that are so NOT familial that there are a LOT of alienated adults in my own age group who know what I mean when I say that there are days when I can smile and know, for sure, that I am glad that I sometimes call myself an orphan…even as I know that my Soul Tribe exists.

Being Alone, versus Being Stand Alone

Some of us like it when we see that the people who we believe have hurt us (because they refuse, like I refuse, to conform to your norm), also  try hard to go out into the vastness that is humankind and do us dirty. And being “done dirty” doesn’t always have to be that someone else lied about us. It can also be that someone else is so jealous of who we are that the only thing that they CAN depend on is the idea that within their reach are people who are as small and feeble minded as they are, people who will soothe them, cajole them, and relieve them of the responsibility of having to own up to their own fuck ups.

They say and do things that are unneeded, say and do things to harm us in some manner, and it is not until we decide, for ourselves, that they are not good enough to be in our awareness, not the sort of people who are stand up enough to also and one day become Stand Alone. While it does not or will not feel like it right now, this is the truth of those of us who so badly want to make things right, even though we know they won’t ever be made right.


“Once you know, you can never go back – I’ve gotta take it on the Otherside…” (Otherside, by Red Hot chili Peppers)

It was a conscious decision I had made one day, back in January of 2013, one year, almost to the date, of when I chose no longer to be one person’s target. It was then that I realized that on some level, he was not the only one who had mistreated me. I learned at that time that in order for me to move forward, I had to become strong enough to stand alone, to not want to bother with people who constantly wanted me to sell myself short, who wanted me to sell my soul to the devil of conformity and their very demands on who I am, on who I was. It was probably the very hardest decision to make, but make it, I did.

I had to, and had to because I knew that for the rest of my life, I would be trying dearly to prove myself to a group of people whose standards were too high, but whose standards never applied to them – only to those who they deemed as not like them. I am like no one, much is as anyone reading this is. It took me a long time to look at the people in my life who supported me and I, them. And it took me a long time to welcome this sort of family to my life, the kind that was built on and thrived on Love, on the equal trade of that love, and the non-judgement that we all need from someone, but that not all of us have been given from the people who are meant to give it to us.

I had to let go of the beliefs that I’d held for so long, the ones that repeated to me how blood is thicker than water, how our friends are not going to be with us or in our lives forever, and how it is that “they are your friends, but we are your blood.” There is nothing quite more sickening to me than to keep someone hanging on the ropes of security by something as trivial as being tied to one another via heredity. I want you all to know that it is not that I do not Love these people who are blood related to me, but that on the other side of that Love is the pain and the heart ache that I was given, just because I am different, and just because I would never, ever stand down to them…

…and it was totally because even then, when I had no choice, as a child, I knew something was different about me. I had to accept being on the Other Side of things in terms of what these people were, and more, were NOT willing to accept about me. It didn’t matter that it hurt me, and it didn’t matter that what they expected I knew I was not allowed to expect in return, and guess what, folks?

Now, it doesn’t matter at all, because I finally know, for real, who is, and who is not my family…I know who loves me, accepts me, would never dare ask me to change a thing about me, and these people are the epitome of cherished. I am glad that they know this, and glad, more than anything, that I am as loved.

 To Be Alone just means that we are being prepared to stand alone in our own power, that we are being met with the right people to call “ours” and most of all, that we have always been one thing…

…able to Stand Alone, rightly so, our power fully available to us, and only also available to those who we know are like us…



Hawaiian Woman Lei Floating Violence Meme

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Please get involved with the “The Day I Chose to Survive” awareness campaign. For information on how you can be a part of it, please send me an email with the words

“The Day I Chose to Survive”

in the subject line…mahalo nui… ROX

The Biggest Obstacle (18+)

Anyone interested in joining the Domestic Violence Awareness Campaign, there is still time to send your email to me! Send me an email saying you want to know more, with the phrase “The Day I Chose to Survive” in the subject line to …meanwhile, here is the start to what looks to be a beautiful Thursday!! Aloha !! ROX

The Mana'o Blog

The Biggest Obstacle that Survivors Face is Believing

Once you have been told that you are not worth the time it will take to be good enough for anything, you believe, based on what you have already lived through, that yes, you are not a lovable person. I know this monster because I still live this hell. While I already know that this is not the truth of me, I also know the reality that is fighting the demons within, the ones that remind a person that there are people who, at one time in your life, were the very most important in your life, and when these people breached your trust, that is when the garbage in the mind became more believable than what the reality is, and the reality is that no matter what happens and no matter who is closest to you who makes you think that…

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The Monsters in the closet of the past

Two weeks after The Day I Chose to Survive

The Mana'o Blog

Fearing the monsters of the past

My other blogdiscusses the price that we must pay for forgiveness. Survivors of emotional and physical domestic abuse are very good at retaining the memories of what happened to us. I used to do it a whole lot. I feared everything, all the way down to the color of nail polish I would wear on my toenails. We do not need to fear things that happened to us. I know that this sounds and might read easy, and I also know that there are some of you right now, tsk tsking me and shaking your head in disbelief that someone like me would dare suggest that you should just get over what has happened to you.

No, I am not. I would never suggest that, but at the same time I also know that to be a victim who has raised her…

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The Days Which Leave Us Aching

I know that I am not only speaking for myself when I say that lately, the days and nights have seemingly melted into the miry abyss that is “Awwww F*CK! AGAIN?!!!” … Yes…again…


I don’t know about any of you who are reading this, but I am about as tired as a person can get, and it is not just any level of tired, but a tiredness that is deep, a tiredness that makes a person ache for better days, wanting for nights which end peacefully, and most of all, the start of the second half of each of our lives, and naturally, the second half which includes all the new people in it that we each have called into our lives and who each have a place there.   There are people who, for years, were not there, but are back and there now, and like the new ones, we know they are permanent.

And really…no bullshit…it is quite nice.

Think about it for a minute, and you will realize that, even though (yep…I’m just going to say it) collectively, life seems to be daily taking a large, nasty crap on the whole of us, it has bonded us to one another. Each of us has this new breath of life in some manner, everyday. It is that one thing, no matter what it is for the each of us, that keeps us going. No, really, again…think about it, and you will figure it all out – things suck ass right now, even though, paradoxically, they sort of rule.

Sorta ruling is better than completely sucking

It is not that easy to try to get anyone to change their thinking habits. Thoughts are habits, really, and the manner in which we think them is also physically a habit. Some of us sit to think, and many of us, when we are in a solitary moment of brainstorming our lives in conjunction with the Goddess’ plan for them, pace.

I pace.

I pace, because I know that brainstorming one’s own life is not only delicate work, but tedious, and really, it is downright dirty work. And not the kind that you need soap for, but the sort you need to have strength of soul for, seriously. At this time there are a lot of people in my life, people who are very, very close to me, with whom I have shared a lot of time, spoken a lot of words, shared much laughter, and all of it is meant in order for me to get to this point where I actually DO know who I can trust.

This is the dirtywork I am talking about, and it is dirty because right now, we have what I have always called a “balance of extremes.” If you thought about it long enough, and let your brain stew about it all, and could, from a third party state of mind, take a very scrutinizing and painful look at what it is that we have each and all been hiding, not only from others, but from ourselves, we would realize that we are each and all hiding about what we are hiding.

That is what all of this is about right now. Take, for example, my tenth house. It is ruled by the moon in my chart, which is in Taurus. Taurus is the CEO of the Zodiac. And Taurus behaves like it – no lie. So, because of this, it is almost like me to wade through the hallways of my own mind, and in the water of my own thoughts, about how many times I really, dearly tried to work for someone, in contrast to my working WITH someone else, and it was always when I worked WITH someone else that I got the best results.

I know this about me, that I do not like being told what to do unless I ask for help. Period. Yes. I was indeed one of those kids who always wailed “I WILL DO IT BY MYSELF!” and normally I meant it. I hate asking for help. Anyone who knows me knows this about me. I am a freedom loving person. And everything about me, even the people with whom I spend the most time, whether on the phone or in person, or both, knows this about me. I do not want anything else for them than that which I would want for me, which, is freedom, but from what?

I figured something out. It is not a “from what,” at all. It is a “for.”


The freedom to be me so that I can do FOR other people, that which I also do for myself. That is what this is all about. Meaning that, if I ask someone to help me, it is only because I know that, if it were the other way around, they know I would do what I can, even if it is a minimal thing. How this is any way at all tied to the title of this writing is coming…I promise…the reason that I have used this as my example is because, in the company called “ROX, Inc.,” I am every employee. They way that I treat my employees is the way that I hope to be treated in return. There are several of them who could fine tune their skills, and there are a few who need some serious help, and there are those who are bad asses and they know they are, and then, there is the person in charge.

And right now, the person in charge is going through the employee files and seeing which one of her people needs to brush up, needs to clean up, needs to shut the fuck up, and which ones whose time is up…and really, guys, it is down and dirty dirty work. For reals.  It is not easy in real life to tell people that they are not doing what they know they are supposed to, and eventually, we have to excuse them from our lives. Most of the time, it is people who have been there at a constant, getting away with less than attractive qualities about themselves, expecting that they should continue to get away with treating anyone else in a manner which would be unacceptable to themselves.

The hard part of cleaning of the things in our own personal “Inc” is that, what we are looking at with people who are physically in our lives and who we know no longer belong there is a piece, a mirror of ourselves, and what they are showing us is that, whatever it is that is bothering us that is alive in them is also alive in us. The people who we cannot stand the most, I am finding out, are the people who have qualities in them that makes us feel a certain way about ourselves and this continues to happen until we go through our “employee files” and go through them with a fine tooth comb and one by one, promote, or fire, those who warrant those actions. It is through these assholes in our lives that we find the inner employees who need to eitehr shape up, or get the hell gone. In my case…there are a lot of my inner employees who have been pink-slipped, permanently.

And it was not an easy thing to do, letting them go, but I had to. If I hadn’t, I might not be where I am now, which is a LOT better than where I last was.

Seriously…I have been asked…what is the thing that this …firing…of pieces of ourselves do for us?

Here, let me tell you a story….actually, it is an observation that, over time, became something that I just really began to study, literally, in every way possible that I could. I began to make a study of peoples’ habits and what I found out is that our habits are a response to theirs. This includes our personal energetic responses.

When someone does or says something that bothers us, we immediately have a bodily response. Normally, our gut will tell us. When there’s a knot the answer is “NO.” The only way to make the knot from the NOT go away is to rethink the word…like this…and yes, it took me a while to learn to do it.

But I did it. I’m still doing it.

When it was that I knew I was being baited for at least a pain in the ass argument with anyone, instead of buying into their bullshit, I allowed them their moment. I stayed silent. It took me a long time to respond (by not responding), and a long time to really listen to this person and realize that for years, I had been defending myself for nothing, because all of the things that this madman was saying to me was meant to hurt me. It took me time to no longer have an emotional response. I realized, this week even, that all these years, I had been, through my own defending myself against the ridiculous lies that were hitting me in the ears all the time, validating a madman.

The madwoman in me chose to no longer allow the madman in. Because the madwoman is good on her own, and really has, instead of choosing to entertain madmen, chosen to cozy up to her own truth. My own truth was that I knew I hadn’t been treated well, because when I saw others being treated in that same way it made me really, really mad. To the point where I would react, very poorly. The day I caught it was probably the most freeing day I ever had, because I saw what I thought I had been hiding behind NOT hiding it.

I don’t do bravado, but on that day, I found out that I do catty really, really well, and I did not like it. It was not needed. I find that I like me way more when I choose brainy. Brainy gets it done correctly every time these days. Where once I was a very impatient pain in the ass, I find it to be a far more  savory experience, not only knowing that I can control myself, a LOT better these days, but that, catty comes in handy here, where it is that now, I do not have to respond to any asshole human beings. My response is just really to have no response. And like an actual cat who ignores its human, I assume, and somehow enjoys it, it is quite the experience to watch someone who is planning on you losing it, lose it.

It took me a long time to learn to do this. It took me a long time to decide that this person who chose to hurt me when they could just have NOT, did so, and it was not until I chose to no longer let the madman in that I realized I could clean house, so to speak. I could choose NOT to emotionally feel my way through all of the things that my Piscean brain conjures within itself. Instead, when it is that I need to knock my own shit off, I lean on the bull, on the Taurean moon, on the part of me that emotionally, even being a Pisces, I am able to deal with things.

Lots of things, I found out.

The pressure is on, guys

The pressure is on for us all to do whatever it is that we have to do in order to be our best, highest selves. This means that through this energy, we find that there are a LOT of things that we do that we do not need to do, and likely no longer need that energy in our lives.  Reread that – there are habits that we perform that we are not aware that we are performing that, for the life of us, we cannot seem to let go of. We each have habits that we have, that annoy the hell out of us, but we believe we are helpless to do anything about.

The truth is, though, that we are not helpless, at least not when it comes to our own habits. We created the habits, and yes, we might have had some help from other people in the creation of those habits, but none the less we are who is responsible for them, including and even and especially the breaking or changing of those habits.

This is what I mean by the pressure is on us to do something, anything, to make the “ugh” of the current moment not so “ugh.”

We don’t realize that we are who makes our own lives somewhat difficult, and it is not for a lot else more than the way that we react, rather than respond, to certain situations in our lives. I am not suggesting at all that the things that,in our lives, do not warrant our having the reactions that we do, do not have the energy and neither the potential to make us nutty from the inside out. I am suggesting, though, that there are a lot of different, creative ways that we can look at the things that are making us crazy with frustration, with fear, with all the things that we need to look at, but are thinking we are helpless to do a thing about them all, and that once it is that we have created another, new habit, we find out that we were fearful for reasons other than the obvious ones.

We do not have control over other people. We have control over ourselves, and in that control we have the power to do, or not do, something about anything at all.

It isn’t easy not handling things the way that we always have. It isn’t easy trying to look at them all and not see the pile of shit there that needs us to do something about it. It is easy, though, to step ahead of our reaction, think about why we are reacting, and easy to practice responding to it all.

Sometimes we do not realize that a change in our outer circumstances is the heads up that we need from the Universe telling us that it is our turn…

…sometimes, it is the pressure that we feel from the way that we have always reacted to anything that is what needs to be changed rather than the outer circumstances.

It rarely, if ever, is anything outside of us that is bothering us. It usually, if not always, is how we feel and emote about what is happening that needs to be different…



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On Learning

Human beings are built for learning. It is our freedom of thought and our free will which causes us to learn, or not to learn. The question always, in every situation, begs to be asked – “What Have You Learned?”


I am a big believer in learning, and in teaching, and with the right teacher, under the right set of circumstances, anyone at all can learn whatever it is that we put our minds to. This is not news. This is not something that we all do not inherently know. This is the truth. The thing about learning, though, is that it is at our option if we will take up the lessons brought to us by Spirit, brought to us by our own soul’s heeding them into our lives. There is truth to the idea that we need very dearly to be careful what we wish for. Yes, it has to do with Karma, but more, it has to do with what it is that we have, through our souls, asked to learn upon entrance into this lifetime.

Lessons and learning them are two separate things. We are given lessons because we ask for them in the form of “I Wish I Had/Did/Could/Tried/Etc” and some of them are lessons which we were meant to learn upon entrance into this lifetime. This is what is meant by our being told to be careful what we wish for because we may well get those things, those situations, and of course, those people. We need to be very careful when asking and wishing for things. It is not the actual words spoken but more, the intention and the energy behind those things.

When we set out onto our days, and this is the hardest part to believe, it is upon waking that the things that we set into motion begin to play out, and we are none the wiser to it. This is what happens when we tell the universe that we want something, and it is not out of our mouths that it is stated, but rather and more so from the heart and soul within us each. When we are wishing death on someone, wishing harm on someone, wishing that we had never met them, wishing anything at all, and we have our emotional soulful selves backing up our play, we can guarantee that, even as we will not like the outcome, we will learn what we must, and the Universe will choose the right teacher for us to learn from.

This was something that I did not quite understand when I was a younger person. I went with the premise that we are the fools of an angry god who only brought us here to pick on us and make us into his slaves. This is really the way that my little brain perceived my parents’…hell…my entire family’s beliefs in a higher power. As I grew older, I began to see the realities of what was happening, and I realized, much later in my lifetime, that God is relative to who is willing to be enslaved, not by God, but by the people running God’s show. This simply means that what I was taught in regards to belief, in regards to anything at all, was a pawn of fate. I was taught that we humans are not powerful enough to think on our own, without some big, scary…thing…out there in the big scary Universe and that if I did things outside of what God wanted us to do according to the Old Testament’s Ten Commandments, that I would be headed for hell for sure.

The one thing that no one thinks about is that while all humans have the capacity to be followers, others, leaders, there are some of us who roll on our own.  We are taught “pack mentality” as children, and we are taught that majority rules and that our lone voice does not count. We are taught that the bigger person is always who comes out on top, not realizing that what we are hearing is not what is being said, but you can’t tell a kid that – kids will believe and know and understand through the mechanism of their imagination. They will believe that it is the bully, who is normally the bigger person physically, who wins, and with that thought in their heads, they will go on in life to be bullied, because we are not more clear about it when we are telling them what actually is the “bigger person.”

I am using this example because it is the one that draws a picture for us all as to how we learn what we do and where it is that our own methods of learning comes from. I used to be this kid, the one with the big fat imagination, but in my life as a child, things that were big were meant to be scary. It was what I was taught – to fear – and is also what I learned, very well, the idea that the bigger they, whoever they might be, are, the more chances that I would have at being afraid. This was the thing that I was taught in church, as well, because no one bothered to clarify for me what it meant to be the “bigger person.” I was not a “big” person. It was often said that I was “a stick,” was akin to a starving mantis who could not fight for herself, that I would be best served by hanging onto a pole cemented into the ground should a slight breeze visit my awareness. I had always been, remain to be to this day, not a very large person.

Imagine being a tiny little kid and being told these things. Tiny little kids have great big imaginations. It is our imagination which teaches us our mode, our method, our ability, our everything regarding our being able to create our lives. A child is going to learn from his or her own awareness of things, from his or her own imagined thought about what is, and what is not “big.” In my imagination, things that were big were equally scary. I was always scared of “big fat spiders,” and always worried that if I went swimming in what is my spiritual origin – the ocean – that surely a big angry Shark would come and eat me…funny how these days people refer to me as “The Mama Shark” in terms of getting my Artemis Spirit thing on, right?

How we are taught is as important as what we are taught, but certainly not as important as what we choose to learn

Choosing to learn is the part of life that either makes us or breaks us. Where it is that a person would rather see everything in terms of their own version of “black and white,” there is an entire gray area that no one thinks about, the area in our lives where we have no answers and where the only answers are the ones that make no sense, at least not right that moment.

It is not within our ability to learn things as much as it is stored within our ability to accept and apply what it is that we have learned. It is like when we choose to train our pets, or perhaps to train our children to use the toilet – it is not our method of teaching as much as it is our method of learning that matters most. Most of us want to learn the easy way, but that rarely happens and rarely happens because most of the time, it is the negatively charged happenings within the boundaries of our lives that cause us to learn. It is everything in our awareness that makes us know what is comfortable and uncomfortable and normally we are apt to remember what it was that we learned that was not so great.

This causes a negative energy within us that tells us that we are going to have to learn the hard way. This is how we do things, because this is how we are taught from a very young age that every action has its own consequence, and every time we do anything at all, there is a consequence attached. This is what causes a lot of us to stay stuck in the energy that we should not risk anything, that what we know right now is enough and that perhaps we are too old to learn anything at all.


We do not stop learning. We do not stop being taught, if not by people like me whose job it is to enlighten and teach the ways of Spirit, then by Spirit Herself. We do not stop learning when we are granted a degree from college, and we do not stop learning once a lesson that we are aware we are learning has been learned. Always, there is a lesson that we are learning. Whether it is that we have learned it because we asked through prayer or meditation or whether it is that we set things in motion karmically, we are never not learning.

It is the reason that I tell people, all the time, to pay attention to what is happening in their lives, because they may miss the message being given. I tell people all the time to broaden their thinking, because it will make room for things to happen for them in a manner that makes sense. I tell my students to question themselves always, and tell them, too, that what they need to learn, they will learn, and it will be in the same manner that the harshness of life comes to them – raw, ugly, a jumble-fuck of a confusing mess that seems to have no end to it at all, and one that is likely a very important lesson for them to learn in terms of what they are here for and what their mission is and more, who that mission is to be carried out with.

We ask for things, and we are not clear on the reality of what we are truly asking for. Where it is that we are asking for one thing, it may well seem that another thing is what we get, and what we don’t get at that moment when it seems that the entirety of the Universe has the deck stacked against us, what is really happening is that we are being refined by the fires of life, are about to take on a lesson in the Firewalk of Spirit so as to create from the proverbial coal that we think we are, the diamond which we so fiercely want to protect and keep for ourselves when in fact it is meant that our brilliance is to be seen by the All Of Us.

The question “What have you learned?” is meant to spark within us all more questions regarding the question. There is never only one lesson to be learned. We must think of the things that come with the bigger lessons as the electives that are meant as the balancing act of the Goddess that tells us that we are to apply those electives and the learning from them to the big fat thing that we would rather avoid because in our avoidance of those things there is the energy that we do not have to face them at all. This is wrong. We have to face the things that no longer serve us, have to deal with the ugliness to get to the beauty that is within the energy that scares the hell out of us, or, in some cases, where learning the truth of spiritual beliefs, having the hell scared INTO us. It really doesn’t matter, either, because no matter what, and whether we want to or not, we will learn, if not in this lifetime, then in another one that we do not realize that, because we chose not to learn, we must return in body from Spirit to learn what we could not face.

It pays for us each to face the monsters in the closets of our minds, pays for us to know what is useful, what is memorable and worth keeping, and pays dividends in terms of making room for all the good things to come into our lives when we choose to learn to release what we think keeps us safe but in reality, keeps us running around in circles trying to find the end of the things that make us crazy, and not in a good, lampshade at a party sort of way.

Learn, for no other reason than that none of us likes to face our own demons, our own ugliness disguised as the monsters in the closet of our minds.

If we don’t learn to tame the monsters, we won’t find out that it was not a monster but rather and only that teddy bear we so loved as a child…the very one who was responsible for keeping the monsters at bay…

…kinda get it now?

I Love You All!



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The End is The Beginning

When it comes to our lives, and we know that there are changes ahead, and we come to a place where it seems that there is but one thing left to do, because that one thing changes everything else, but there has come the end of one proverbial road and we don’t know what to do? Well…we do what we have to, that’s what. Sometimes what we have to do is not what we think we have to do and has nothing to do with anyone else, at least not directly.

I am not the only one for whom there is one gigantic decision that we each needed to make, because in making that one gigantic choice, we know that every other choice that comes afterward will be affected by our acting on that one decision. I made one such choice a few days ago, and the people who need to know what that choice is and who are in support of me in making that choice know what I have to do and I like believing that, with all that they each have happening in their lives right now, that they know that I know that their hearts, souls, ears and eyes are always open to me, but also that they also know that being who I am, I’ve actually “got this.” I might allow my little old ego to get in the way of things, and I might be afraid on many different levels, but what I fear more is that if I do not act on this choice and do all that I have to in order to make it happen, that nothing that is needing dear change will be able to go through that change because I refused, because of my own fear of ridiculous, even as they are real, things, to change what I hold the power to change.

And really, it is the fear within us all that reveals the very weaknesses we each hang onto that make us believe that somehow, those weaknesses are making us strong in that, we can hide what we think they are so that we do not have to give away certain mechanisms of control over us that we are keeping in place all on our own and for what reason? 

That’s easy…

Fear is our security sometimes

I know this one real well. I know what it is like to be scared of not knowing if what we choose to do will cause us more havoc. My thought about chaotic things and people is that of course it will cause more havoc. I liken it to walking into a room where a toddler has been playing and playing with everything he has in his toy box. A toddler only knows that these are his toys, and that he is allowed to play with them. Yet, because he is so little, he does not yet understand that he needs to pick up his toys when he is done playing with them.

If we do not bother to teach him this one thing, he will always leave chaos where he has been, no matter what, and it is a chaos that his mother or his father will have to see to should he not be taught this one thing. This one thing leads to our being able to teach him more than only this one thing, but this one thing is where we all start them in terms of being responsible for cleaning up one’s own messes. If we do not teach our kid to be responsible for all the things that he does, he will not know later on in life that his learning will contribute to everything else he does, including what he is willing to continue to fear.  If we teach him to fear responsibility, and we teach him that he will always have someone there to pick him up when he falls, that little boy is going to stay a mommy’s boy and will not grow into the man that Spirit has sent him here to become. When we teach them dependence that is permanent, they will remain to be dependent on us for EVERYTHING. And indeed – there are a lot of parents who do this TO their kids, and all for their own benefit (but that is a topic better left for another thing and another day and in another website...), and a benefit that is not really a benefit but more like a forced manipulation which starts very early on in the lives of children…again…another website but still, it applies to this writing. 

We are taught from a young age what we should deem as valuable and not valuable, but the challenge is NOT what we are taught. The challenge is being able to seek out other ways, not really around them, but through them, so that we can eventually grow from the lesson that we learn about becoming independent. In this case and in the case of many young adults the challenge, as was ours as the kids we were, is to overcome all of the weaknesses that were instilled in us by our parents if those weaknesses are not helping us become stronger.

That is what our weaknesses really are, by the way, and it doesn’t matter who thinks otherwise.

Our Weaknesses

Our weaknesses, in reality, are the very things that will make us stronger. I never believed it until I came to the conclusion a few years ago that my fear, which is a weakness, of things that I do not know will happen to me should I have, at that point, made the choice that I made recently. I was not ready at that time to make this very big decision. I did not know at that time, in 2012, that the fear of choosing as I have at this point was in the making at that point and at that time. You see, when we are given challenges, it makes us reveal our weaknesses to ourselves. It is through these things that we have been born with, and then later on learn like animals learn – through experience, and are prompted to use what we are not realizing are ours for the purpose of Soul strength training. 

Very basically, when we are revealing to others the things that are in our face and up our asses, we are also telling ourselves our own story and giving ourselves, through the things that we are stating to anyone at all, where it is that our soul is in need of some strength training. The only way to get through the weaknesses is to roll with the punches, take on every challenge in regards to the big fat choices that we have to make, and learn from the things that are coming out of our mouths, not only about our very selves, but, if the challenges have been brought by people who we know well (but would rather not know at all) and the challenge is the same thing, every time? 

Well, that is almost a cheat sheet, almost like steroids for the challenge at hand and whether it seems like it or not, those other people have given us instructions on what are their very weaknesses. Where some people feel like they have the upper hand in any situation, and those people have only the past and our reaction to their actions to go by, and these others have NOT given thought to the idea that people indeed DO change, and when they change, so, too, do their weaknesses. This is not something that is new to anyone at all, and this is something that I have spent many years not only studying, but being caught right in the middle of. It was a very long time, a very long time, that it took me, to make a choice that I have known for a long time has been in the making, but make it I did, and I did so using every single strength that I had, which contributed to the biological changes at that very moment of the singular weight that haunted me and continued to do so until but a few short days ago. 

And being true to my very self, I will not lie – I am scared as hell of doing what must be done, but as always, when something like this choice is made, always, no matter what, The Mother Goddess, being the good Mother that She Is, always has my back, and, too, while you are guarded in your own choice making these days, maybe, know now that like She has my back, She also has yours, no matter what everything appears like in your own mind and thoughts and reality at the moment. This is what Strength Training for the Soul is about – bringing you up to speed at being who you are. 

Without these things which visit our lives from time to time, and at this time, it seems that those things that have come knockin’ on our doors, like pushy relatives who don’t call before they stay with us for a week, are more than we care to deal with, it is not time to allow our fears to eat at us again. No, no, no, no, no…no! 

It is simply time for some Soul Strength Training.

Soul Strength Training

The proverbial “end of the road” is not really that. What it is is a place we all end up getting to and seeing as a problem and usually what is there is the actual “problem” that many, many of us do not want to deal with because where there is that specific problem there also is a specific person or people who we really would rather not even think about, let alone deal with. In my case, I would rather not even know who the person is who has challenged me for years, daring me always to take a step towards my own wholeness and dare to do so without their permission, their blessing, their say so. Am I prone to that person’s whims any longer? Oh HELL no I am not, but this does not mean that my egotistical self, the part of me that wants to protect my fragile emotional self, is not already freaking the hell out. On the other side of that is my Spirit, the truest part of Me, of Rox, the part that is the Shark, the part that is not scared of a thing, not even spiders – SHE is who is taking the lead, at least in this one challenge. She is also the one who is not allowing my fear of the unknown be the thing that guides me any further. And also, she is who has prompted me to change the word “problem” to the word “challenge,” and it is with good cause.

A problem is a challenge dressed up in an ugly dress, wearing too much make up, and demanding our attention as a problem….but a challenge is like Cinderella – a dream coming true in the making…think about it.

I prefer to think of it – this choice – as more a challenge than much else, because problems have to be solved, but challenges tend to take on the energy that is a quest than something to be seen as our needing to get rid of them. While there are indeed problems in life, when we can change our own vocabulary about things, and then those certain things lose the energy of “problem,” and begin to take on the energy of “challenge,” things begin to also take on the color that is our being able to accept being challenged far easier than we are able to digest things in our lives as being only problems. And believe me when I say it – this week alone I have had to change my vocabulary from what was very foreboding to my brain, to something more acceptable to my brain and, as well, my soul, and that change was but one word. I kept hearing the word “problem,” and then very soon afterwards, I started hearing this same word coming out of the mouths of people who are not only those closest to me, but also from people who I don’t even know at all, let alone very well.

We are not taught this skill, but we ought to be. It was something that I know I was not taught, the ability to change the wording of thoughts so as to make my spirit not be so…so much with its panties in a bunch, to put it very plainly. (Laugh – you know it’s funny) 

Strength training for the Soul speaks loads more volumes to me than does the phrase “coming up with a different way to see these problems.” Even as they both technically mean the same thing, the energy that is contained in them each are markedly different – one energy is heavy, weighted and demanding, while the other one denotes that we are training for the greatest thing in the world, and that we do not want to not be prepared. This is the way that I taught myself, of course, taught my own kids (who are STELLAR at it…okay, so the big boy has some issues with word exchanges but he is fine and good…meaning he learned what I taught him and calls it something that I don’t)  and is the way that I teach a whole lot of other people to also change their vocabulary and thereby changing their thoughts which will change their vibratory energy.

Our thoughts become the things that we encounter in our lives. With this little bit of knowledge on its own, we see there that there is indeed power in our words, because our words in our own voice are the very things that our thoughts are produced by. When we are able to train our brain to do this, immediately we are also training our bodies to follow suit. When we believe that there is not a lot we can do about a thing or two, our bodies respond first by a knot in the gut, and the knot in the gut leads us to having a backache, usually and also a migraine headache, and pretty soon we are into the liquor cabinet or the medicine cabinet, and this is our liver being made to work overtime, not only from the heat of our own anger, but more, from all of these things combined. 

On the other side of this is the idea that when we choose to not see everything in our lives as being the end of us but rather and only the end of the road we are currently traveling on, and we then can produce the image in our minds of this road rather than the trap that we want to believe is waiting to eat us from the soul, out, we can also and then feel our bodies responding to this new way of thinking about the challenges which lie ahead of us. It doesn’t matter what we are thinking about, what we are thinking will or will not happen – that is not even for anyone on this plane to decide, but that of Spirit. What ensues from then on is that we are molding and building our lives out of, and doing so NOT from the energy that is the problems, but from this new energy created from the challenges that we have been served up with by what is needed, specifically from us, by the greater collective whole of the very All of Us. That’s right – you probably didn’t think about that one thing, and if you do, it is the one thing that you probably think of last, when in reality, it is better, not so Polly-Anna, to think that the best things in life are ours, but that first we have to get past these challenges.

When we are in the belief that we have no power over any thing that visits our lives is when the challenges are not challenges – they truly ARE problems. We do not realize or even recognize what is our strength because we forget that it is there, that all the other times in our lives when we really needed to draw on it and become it were times just like these, except that right now, when we think of these things and the people involved, we become afraid of the outcome, and the outcome is not what we need to think about at this moment. In fact, we cannot see the outcome until we can see it with our soul’s eyes and trust it with our very selves. We are not as bad as other people tell us we are, at anything, and if we are able to come up with things that cause us to survive the ugliest things in our lives and we are here and breathing and not thinking in the way that we did but a few short days ago, and we are more inclined to fight the good fight, soul intact and ready for the challenge, and we have told our ego selves to shut the hell up and let us do what we have to do, then half of the battle is already won. It is the bigness of the thing at hand, of the couple of big things at hand, that has us all afraid, not of anything other than of the outcome.

When we release the outcome from what we want it to be, and we allow Spirit to take the lead, and we follow all those hunches, all those gut reactions and respond in kind to the Universe and let Spirit lead us to our own miracles, we find that one thing that we never thought would ever visit our lives – that one thing is trust in ourselves. 

So, you see, the title of this writing, “The End is the Beginning,” is the truth…in order to begin to build what it is that we have as a set intention to have in our lives, we have to end the madness that is the fear of the outcome that we have prepared ourselves for, and is usually a negative outcome, which produces the negative outcome. When we are more inclined to follow our guts, so to speak, while it might take us a little longer to get where we want to be, it is a guarantee that we will get there, and perhaps even someplace better…this is not my rule, but that of the Universe…

Dare yourselves to rise above the problems and see them as what they are…

…they are the things that are making you stronger through what you perceive as your weaknesses. You are stronger than you think you are, and better at this than you have been told to believe. I am telling you that you are better off believing your own truth than the lies that keep you caged in your fear. 

You hold the keys to the Kingdom – use them…

I Love You All


Soul With Teeth Shark1


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