We all have the right to do and be lots of things, but the thing that we have the duty to be, most of all, is Strong.
I was compelled just now, by someone close to me, to write another blog for this particular blog this week. The person’s words struck me as unbelievable, because I have not been very strong for some time, or at least I do not feel like I have been.
Apparently,and according to this person who told me this a bit over an hour ago, I am the strongest person alive on the planet right this moment. I guess I have to be, because always it is the mask that I wear, and wear without thinking that I am wearing it. Lots of things in my life, at all times, because of the nature of my work in this world, calls, always, for me to be strong. Yet, there are always going to be those times when even when I think I am being strong, I am being anything but that. One of those times is right this moment, and no, I am not writing this because the person who told me this needs to be told they are wrong. I am writing this because I am compelled by the intense and incredible amount of pain that it seems the collective of human beings on the planet or at least in our personal awareness (that place called our “individual worlds”), are in serious turmoil.
Myself, dearly included…
I am trying very hard to not fall apart, but, part of me knows that things like what has happened, only happen, NOT because there is a reason that does not make sense – but for purposes of learning.
When we are learning, it means that no matter what we do, we are going to toil and toil because when we are learning, it means that there is something that we do not know completely about. Sometimes we learn things that we cannot wrap our heads around. What I have learned at this moment is that my time for the hard lessons have again, started, as though I needed more of them to help me complete this, the thing that I refer to as being my “Ethereal PhD.” Unlike the other one which I am striving toward (although I WILL be happy just being able to teach at the college level…keep reading…), this one is a LOT more hard to get through, because the lessons and the learning come through the thing that we all have in common, at all times – that thing called “Life.” The lesson for me is the loss of being able to do this dance that I love so very much. I love Hula. Unfortunately, for me, at this moment, and perhaps even for some time to come, hula is not mine, at all.
I am learning…and I am not even trying, and that is the hard part of learning anything – most of the time, unless we are game for it, we do not want to learn a thing. We want our lives to be magical, and they typically end up that way once we have decided that the lesson is not as bad as going on with things as they were in the past, where all of our pain lives, and there is no way out of that pain without our learning about why we were in pain. We want them to be that way in the manner that we envision them, our lives. It is fine, even a good thing that we envision them. In fact, we are supposed to, but, we are also supposed to leave open room for us to be able to have what is exactly what we see, or better. The way that we stop the flow of this energy is by refusing to look at things and see them exactly as they are. Whether they are good or bad is up to whoever is looking at it all.
We cannot have anything better if we are not open to the FACT that in order for the better to happen for us, we have to leave that which hurt us so deeply behind. Some of us cannot help but hang on to the things that are back there, in the past, and a lot of the time, what is back there is not that great, and if it is that great, no matter how badly we want to go back there, we can’t. It’s that thing called evolving.
That Thing Called Evolving
To evolve is what we are here to do, no matter how much it hurts us, we must.
If we do not, we are not ever going to know what is ahead of us. We will never know what is in front of us if we are more concerned with what was going on or more along the lines of thinking that we are supposed to still be who we were a long time ago (nope). If I sat in the reality that was mine from 2010 to 2012, I might not be writing this right now. In fact, I might be dead, given all of the horrid things that I did to myself, all so that I would not have to go through the pain that I was experiencing in my life. None of that pain was physical, at least not immediately, and all of that pain brought to me the things that I needed to learn about myself that were things that were not that great.
What I learned about me in that time is that I have to…HAVE TO forgive myself for all of the things that I did not know about but begrudgingly still ended up experiencing, and all of the things that were in store for me that I could not see past right this moment to save my life with….what I ultimately learned is that no matter what we want to do, no matter who we think we are, to anyone at all, but namely to ourselves, is the person who we see, at all times, in our mind’s eyes. The thing about that though is that we have to do the work to get there, good or other than good, to be that person, and lots of us, even me sometimes, do NOT want to do the work.
I harp on doing the work part the most, with anyone at all, because it is that work part of all of this evolution going on that the majority of us does NOT want to have to do. We can see all we want to be, to ourselves, and to anyone else at all, but, what we are not prepared to see is the in between time of it all, the time that it takes for us to wear the changes, changes that we called in to our awareness, and changes that, regardless if we feel like they are needed, regardless of how much it hurts us to go through it all (hey…changing at the soul level is a bitch…I Promise…but, once those changes have occurred, and whether we like to believe it or not – those changes are permanent…because they are the very changes that we have each and all called into being and into our awareness….yup…please keep reading…) are what we have to go through.
This is the Truth – for any one of us to experience any sort of change from the inside, out, we have to be willing to look at all of the ugly things that give us a reason to fear anything, and we have to be willing to accept that this is the thing that is visiting our lives right now for the very and only sole purpose of perpetuating the growth that we, ourselves, have called to our lives. We have to be able to face ourselves, even and especially at all the things that we do not want to look at. It is all there for a reason, with that reason being that the things that present themselves as they will and in the ugly fashion that they typically do are meant to make us see that those very things, even as we may well love them all, are actually hurting us. The things that we state are hurting us are too easy, and sometimes those things are the very things that we know deep within our selves are the things that we most need for our lives and our souls.Ultimately, we figure out that it was never another person who has brought the pain, but our willingness to go through it, hoping we can change anything at all.
The reality is that we cannot change another person. This is the hurt that makes us keep hurting – the thing that eats us…it is the idea that we cannot make other people see who they are for real, because maybe they cannot accept their own goodness, because all of the bad things that they have been, over time, taking in and believing.
Ain’t it a bitch? We want someone – ANYONE – to see our brilliance, and then once they see it, we want to deny it is there. You cannot imagine the pain brought alone by that…this is the thing that a LOT of people take for granted…that maybe those who are telling us that we are every bit as good as we are, we are allowing what the shitty people in our lives, in our past, in our now, to be the presiding thing about us each…what the hell is wrong with us?
I cannot state that I do not freak out the moment my own uglies come creeping up on me, and my own uglies are those things that scare the hell out of me, to the point, at times, of spiritual, emotional and from time to time, specifically in my legs and feet (it’s a Pisces thing) paralyzed. When I am in this mode, I know that my brain has taken over, forgivingly so, and that my brain is telling the rest of me that it is time to just simply put down all of the ugly things that scare me, or more, that I have convinced myself will still end up being the only reality that I will ever know. Since I began this time around at school, I have learned a whole lot about how it is that we allow ourselves to believe the very worst things about us, and we choose to grasp on to the horrid things that others have brought to us, and some of us refuse to see the good that is there, all because we are prone, as humans being human, to want to fight, or run away, or simply just freeze in our tracks, all so that we will not have to experience the pain that we know will surely be ours.
The thing that no one thinks about is the one thing that I have to remind myself of almost everyday – that everything that sucks, even though everything that has sucked has sucked for a very long set of years by this time is temporary. I cannot stress this much enough. I get a lot…a WHOLE LOT of emails, almost daily, asking me if I know when these ugly times will be over, or more, that a lot of people right this moment in time are very dearly angry at the way their hard work has seemed to be the thing that they are wanting to have the tangible reality for, and this is the most understandable thing in the world to me, right in this moment, because of everything that I have experienced in my life to this point from the day after Christmas, 2015. I was told, by many many “experts” in many several different fields of weirdness, that all of this madness would be over with by June.
It is June, and not only is the madness not over with, but because it has lasted this long thus far, it is hard to see anything other than that which we do not have, and it is causing a collectively felt paralysis of the Soul on a global scale.
Paralysis of The Soul
Our is a collective that seems to like being…numbed…or perhaps at least paralyzed to change.
We are told by well meaning people, typically when we are younger, and most of the time through the actions of others, that things are supposed to go one way and we glue ourselves to that one way.We believe that those who came before us are the ones who had ALL the answers, only to be led down the path to what THEY wanted, instead of what WE have pined for all of our lives. This is the sickness that is global, the very one which was spawned by organized religion, and the one that keeps the masses in control while the rest of the world seeks out its own higher knowledge through means of other peoples’ “for sale” Wisdom. When we choose to sell that which was so freely ours at birth is when all of these things that are meant for our free use so that what we do in this lifetime and is connected to the rest of the planet, will end up ultimately at the pinnacle of what it was that we envisioned but, due to all of the crazy crap going on at this moment and in the global fashion, we are unable to see it all the way that it is not. The only thing that we are seeing right now is how much all of us hurts, badly, and are pining for the way things were.
The way things were is not how they are supposed to be now, now when what is the most crucial thing we are learning is NOT what to do with all of this…shit…we have been handed, but, what we are NOT going to do in terms of what our ego-selves wants us to do, in order that we will survive anything at all. We do not realize what all we are made of until a crisis strikes. It is at that time that we are being our truest selves, because it is at that time that we are not wearing the mask of who we were – we are, in that moment, essentially our true selves. Our true selves will always surface, and we are lucky if others, even if it is only a few others, even only one other, is there to make sure that through it all, we realize that truly, even though things sucked and still suck, we were not ever alone. Somehow, Spirit makes it so that there is at least one person on this planet who gets it, who is patient enough, loving enough, with an open mind and spirit enough, to help make sense of things. When it is that things cannot be made sense of, it is time to look at everything that we have been presented with and ask ourselves what it is that we are learning.
What we are learning is not what we thought we were being taught. Understand now that there is a huge difference between learning and being taught. To learn is a willingness to take in whatever it is that we are given as a lesson. What a LOT of people do not get, in terms of lessons like these ones we are all learning from right now, is that it is easier to learn, because we are given that option to see things as being a learning opportunity, so that we can find the treasures that are buried in the thing that we see only as being the excrement of our lives….than it is to be taught, because being taught means that we are trying hard to not be told what to do, even though Spirit and the world of Spirit does not work that way. Even in our death we are able to feel the way that we did when we hurt in the physical, but, when we are not in our bodies, we are also not able to make the choice to not come back into this lifetime to correct what it is that we did not learn through learning what it is that we resisted.
When we resist, the things that haunt us persist. We are all told, for instance, about this thing called an American Dream and how it is that this particular dream is meant for us all. It isn’t. We do not all dream the same dreams or think the same things, even though we are privy to everything we want, if we are willing to do the work involved, and work that is solely and only for our benefit and brought to us through the challenges that we face in our waking lives.
Again..it is like this thing called an American Dream.
We are told that there is such a thing, and because there is such a thing, we are also all told to chase it. Then the chase ensues, and we are on our way to this thing that we have in our heads that is “ours” or we think it is ours and what happens after the fact is a whole lot of disappointment, and a whole lot of beating the shit out of ourselves, and a whole lot of things happening in the manner that no one could have predicted. (By the way – no one psychic can tell the future, and really, the only thing that anyone like me CAN predict is that there is a propensity towards anything. NO ONE IS 100%…do NOT let anyone lie to you like they know, because they likely don’t know)
No matter what anyone wants to believe, the paralysis in the soul is the thing that causes us to no longer be who we are for real. The paralysis makes things seem a lot uglier than they are, makes us feel it all a LOT deeper than it all really is. Whether I want to believe things are the way that they are and are NOT meant to make things be worse is one thing and is one thing because that one thing MATTERS more than anyone thinks it does.
That one thing is the thing that seems to be eating our lives, and that one thing is the thing that we need to tend to, but it is not the thing that is there that we want to blame it all on. This is our problem as humans – we are not able to see ourselves as being the thing that makes a situation much worse. We are only able to see ourselves as trying to only be the one who makes everything better, the one who everyone will call a “hero” or a “savior” and the one thing that makes us go totally against those things that we are trying to get others to believe but refuse to believe, ourselves. We think we have a grasp on things, but it is the grasp on things that needs to be less strangling than it is being the representative thing we think is helping us NOT to lose more than we have already lost.
Yep, I do know what it is like to have lost every tangible thing that I own, have experienced the idea that I cannot teach hula like I once used to and also that the time that was spent by me as a promoter and marketing agent have been over for a very long time, and the only thing that was left that I had to say goodbye to and that hurt me immensely was part of myself – and part of myself that held onto my hula like I did. I strangled it, made it go away and then when I went to go get it back, my knee decided that I did not need it at that time. Here it is months later and again…my knee…is swollen and ugly and making it hard for me to walk. BUT – I know that I have to walk on it, no matter how painful it is, that I have to use it or most assuredly I will lose it, even though I may have lost my hula, forever.
You can bet that I am upset, but, I have had to practice what it is that I am now learning, literally, in the halls of academia. I have to practice what it is that is so very vital to me, and I have to learn to allow myself to see my hula as something that it has never been for me – a spectator event, unless and until the lessons that I am learning which surround it change. I miss my dance, but I miss walking without pain more. The last time I checked, I need my legs to work properly so that I can get from point A to point B on the very hilly campus that I call school. I have to think what is more important, not only to me, but, ultimately to those who will seek my unique knowledge in terms of what is bothering them, way down deep in the soul, and what it is that they have the option to do about any of it.
We have the option to heal, and we have the option to believe our own selves when we know that there are people in our lives who are there to support us, to be with us, even if from a distance…and it is these people who mean the most to us, even when they piss us off. At this moment in time, I have been taught a lesson in the sanctity of who I am, and in that Divine energy, I find that truly, just as my Maestro has reminded me again and again, it is not my dance that the world wants more of….it is these things called words that are my Divine strength, and these things which live within the soul of us each that need to be expressed and need to be known so that the rest of us who choose NOT to hone their own intuitive skills can at least remember that things that suck are things that we have much to learn from.
The things that we need to learn from are usually things that we did not want to think could or would happen, are the things that we thought we might be able to escape but have found out that we cannot.
I cannot escape, nor deny, that hula, at this time, is an impossibility. I can blame no one but me – not that I injured my knee, but, that I chose to do more with it before it was completely healed than I should have. The injury was brought to me January 2, 2016, the moment that I slipped off of the back of that moving truck and onto my knee, very, very hard. At that moment, the only thing that was my thought was that I would not be able to dance, at least one more time, and that the last time I will dance will be the most important time of all….not only because it is set aside for one special person…
…but because it may well have just become that thing that I have to now see as my Swan song…
Learn well, humans….and know that everything that sucks is meant for us to learn..
…learn about who we are, not only to anyone else, but more than anyone else, to ourselves.