Monthly Archives: November 2013

We can only change ourselves

Life would be easier for us all if we just accepted that we cannot change other people

A big fat lesson in my lifetime has been that I can only change myself. Try as I might have, over and over again, I could not ever change another person. It was me who had to change, and me who still has a lot to learn in the area that is getting my way. I know…that sounds pretty awful, the idea that I would write that I want my way. Who doesn’t?

Who doesn’t want their way, all the time, and namely when it comes to making other people see who we are, or see who they are in regards to who we each are? Who are we to judge another person and the way that they are, versus the way that we are, and expect them to do what we know we would not and cannot change? We cannot change other people, and it is futile for us to believe we can. If there is one thing that I have learned about a man these past almost 25 years is that when it comes to the lives and the ways of being that is anyone else who is not us, when it comes to them doing anything for us at all, it is best, it is wise, it is for your best interest that anyone at all learns the truth in the FACT that change is best left to the people who might not realize that change needs to be.

And that is where the bitch of it all is at – while we are, on our own, powerful enough to change who we are that is to our own benefit, and therefor making it also beneficial to others that we have, on our own, begun the changes needed (because no one wants to hang with anyone who can be considered an Overlord of Doucheland). If we can see in someone else the reactions to our words and our actions, and we can have the experience of bristling at their words and their actions, somewhere within us each there is the molecule that is the energy which represents the need for us to grow, willingly, out of the safety net of “usual.”


Usual is that word that, in my opinion, means “same old,” “boring,” or “not quite ready to give up the old for the new.” I am a Pisces. Usual prompts me to start sounding like those sportscaster guys who like to say “Come on, man!” and makes me think of things that are getting old and stale. “Usual” means sterility, and life is not sterile, even though there are people who believe that “the usual” is the best option because in thinking of “the usual” we know that there is no change there, at all, and none willingly being brought to the table by anyone.

I get bored with “the usual,” and for a long time I was expected to be the “usual” type person who just settled into life once the kids were born. Nope. It was because of those three kids that I knew I had to change myself if it were that life would change for them. I will not say that life has always been a pain in the ass for them, but I can and will say that there are no other three kids on this planet who have seen and gone through what they have and who have been, in a short five years, been made almost fearless in the idea that they know who they are, and they are daring in that energy, daring in the thought that anyone will tell them that they are wrong for simply being who they are. They are not axe murderers, and they are not sicko pervs, and they are not kids who are not well behaved, not well mannered, not loving or giving. They are amazing kids, really, and while I know that any mother will say these things of her own kids, I have to say now that after I have watched them go through a lot of loss, a lot of heartache, a lot of watching me go at it verbally with their father (over the things that I chose to change in me, which did not prompt the same in him…meaning that his astro chart is true and right…) a lot of watching me cry over what their grandparents were not and still are not willing to see…a lot of bullshit, really….my three children are stellar. And there is not a person alive who will be able to tell me that I am wrong.

The things that they have seen changed them, made them more able to deal with things that their own father still cannot. The things that they have gone through caused them to be a lot more willing to see both sides of anything, to be able to discern what they can from things that are unclear to their young psyches. The things that these three kids have seen in this last set of five years is enough, in my opinion, to give reason for any kids to turn to drugs, sex, suicide, but they did not fail to those things. Sure, the thought has crossed their minds, I am sure, and there HAVE been times when I wanted to smack the piss outta the oldest (because prescription opiates ain’t no joke…but still, he is alive and well and knows what his pain is about…good boy…Mama is proud of you, boy), times when the girl should just have left her hair alone (because Mama knows what it is like to NOT get the attention that I needed, and if pink and blue hair is your way, then so be it, baby girl…I still Love you enough for my heart to explode), times when the little one should have been put on medication for anxiety over not knowing what would happen next (and yet, here you are, in all your 9-year old-ness, funny and still able to make your mother wonder about you and just exactly how intellectually superior you truly are…that’s my boy hahahahahahaaaa) – the three of them have all outgrown the stereotypes, have all made a mockery of what they typically should have done, but didn’t.

It all happened this way, I believe, because they learned very early on that they cannot change their dad, but that I am more prone to change when it comes to their emotional security (they know I give a damn about it). They have always known that there is not a lot that I will not do for them, because of them, by them, and that, no matter what, the changes that I have willingly made had them and their very emotional health and stability in mind and at heart. They have always known that no matter what, and no matter what happens to me, that I have always made them the center of my attention. There is nothing in the world that can change that. Not one person will ever make me angry with them enough for me to forget who I am to them and what it is that they need from me.

You cannot change other people, ever, so don’t even try to

At this very moment, I am suffering a crushing blow, to my pride, my ego, and my level of who I truly am. The things that I would not put up with I am suddenly putting up with because of these three kids. And really, it is nothing to the person who is doing the crushing, nothing to them that this is really, truly and terrible pain that I, apparently, have to go through. It is not enough that I have suffered much for this person to understand what, exactly, this does to me, and I doubt that their little time in the fray is doing anything to them, because apparently this is meant, and I have to, again, suffer such an indignity.

Yet, in it all, I know that there is really not a lot I can do about it. I cannot change this person, at all, and they are going to do whatever it is that they can to make me know that no matter what, that which I have already been through with them is apparently not enough, and again, I have to suffer, and this time, it is real. This time it cuts me to the bones, the very ones where my soul is. This time, it is the madness and the suffering that I have already done enough of, that no matter what I am told, it still will hurt, because of the actions that have been already taken in the past.

It is times like these that make me wishful for better, wishful for things that I am deserving of, because this is not one of them. The idea that I am not enough for this one thing just creates in me the things that I have worked so hard to not have to deal with, and the issue is not anything other than that I cannot change them, and on my end, I cannot change further for them, for their benefit, and I am not going to even try to. I am expected to just be okay, but I am sitting here, right now, tears rolling down my face because again, I am expected to just accept what is there and in front of me.

Some things, I cannot change, and at this time, the one thing that apparently I am not good enough for is the idea that my heart has been broken to the point where I am not sure that I want to try anything at all, anymore.

But still…

I Love You all



Energetically Speaking

If you are sick of the madness which ensues with the holiday shopping carnage, you are further ahead of the game than a lot of other people are. 

I am sure that there are not a lot of people who have the time to sit around all day, pondering why it is that humans behave in such a manner that tells the world that even as our words tell the world we live in that we are not worried about what people think of the gifts that we purchase for them, the energy behind it tells a better, more true story. What not a whole lot of people think about is the science behind the frenzied thinking. There are televised commercials which start back in October that show us the ideal of the holiday shopper.

Correct me if I am wrong, but for the most part we are shown shoppers who look like they have been through hell. Correct me if I am wrong, but we see more people looking a little haggard and worn out, and it is because these people have bought into the idea that is that we have to run ourselves ragged to make it appear that, for the most part, and no, this is not about everyone (I know that there are people who like the madness of the energy and that this, for them, is a positive thing, really…this is about everyone else…keep reading), that we are trying to best someone else, at everything. That is not what giving to others is about, at all.

Yes, I observe a whole lot about a whole lot, and in that observation, I notice a lot about the nature of human beings. There are some folks who actually like this madness. They like the energy that is spotting a deal and grabbing it and being elated because they did. These people are the ones who I am NOT talking about. It is the other set, the ones who think that they have to go into this shopping madness like a warrior, setting out on their days to find the perfect gift as though they were fighting an actual battle, not to be elated or to get the energy that they do from this activity, but more, and in some ways, do this crap with a vengeful spirit, behaving as though they have to fight with other people just so that they can give a best gift.

There are people like that on this planet. There are people who believe that they need to be the person who got the best thing for someone else. Why?

Why does anyone need to prove to someone else, through material means, that what they purchased is not only the symbol of their Love, but more, the fight they ensued just so that someone else would love that thing they found. Where is the Love for YOU at in all of this? Is it that important to YOU to fight with people to save a dime when what you are supposed to be doing is finding gifts with LOVE attached and not PRICE TAG?

Energetically Speaking

Here is the reason that this bothers me so very much – when we set out to fight, we also give off that fighting energy, and that fighting energy is also attached to that thing that you just HAD to purchase, HAD to get up at an ungodly hour the day after you spent loving people, so that you could spend your day with people who you would rather fight with….over a thing. This fight energy creates your energy field, and it is also the reason that today, which is known as “Black Friday” every year, is brought to us nestled in an energy that is about winning, not giving the perfect gift.

The perfect gift can be anything, so long as the love that we have for others is attached to it. You see, when you feel like you have to prove anything at all by fighting with others who you do not know over something that you think will raise your own energy because you fought over something with someone else’s little tiny grandmother, over something that, two weeks later from now, is STILL going to be the price it is that you would have found it anyway if you were NOT going to wake up and camp out in front of the mall.

Think about it for a minute, and compare, if you will, the person who actually LOVES the thrill of finding something perfect for their loved ones, versus the person who is hell bent on running over anyone at all just to save a few bucks on something that is NOT for their kid, NOT for their spouse, NOT for someone who brought them into this world, raised them, etc., and therein you will also have why it is that this particular holiday is rife with unbalanced energy.

The unbalanced energy comes from the idea and the thought in one’s head that anyone has to do or buy anything in the name of Love for someone else. You know exactly who these people are in your own life, the ones who will set up their shopping day like a defensive line coach will plan their method of attacking the other team. Think about all of the commercials that you have seen on television since the week prior to Halloween every year and you will see what I mean by the idea that we are not the only ones who think that we have to go through this to prove we love others.

Changing the energy

We are not supposed to have to prove Love, especially not when it comes to other people and their material expectations of us. This is not to say that I, myself, do not like to shop. That would be a lie for me to state so, because I am one of those people who loves to find a bargain, am one to turn someone else’s trash in to my own personalized treasures, am one who takes something plain and simple and turns it into something unique and one of a kind, and this was something that I did as a child, as well.  I have always LOVED to shop, that is, until the holiday season, when I have to think about what it is that these people to whom I give these gifts to Love as it is, and more, what it is that they would actually think in their heads when the time comes and I give them whatever it is that I intend to.

Because I have to be cautious with money and because I can sense the energies of what went into a thing in order for it to come into being, and more, because the people to whom I gift these items to are so very important to me anyway, I make it a point to really, dearly think about what it is that I would like to receive – is it the money spent on something for me that I am thinking about? Is it the energy injected into the thought? It helps to know who is for real in our lives, who is there and will be there, no matter what, and it helps to know who we Love, for real and who we would do just about anything for. The reason that this all helps is because when we are talking about creating something from almost nothing, the gift has to be one that speaks to the receiver’s soul on some level, has to tell them that it took the person who created this something a little time to create, on their behalf and with them in mind.

This is not something for everyone, I know, but it should give all you holiday spending warriors something to think about in regards to those people who are in line with you at that awful hour in the morning, and will shed light on their reality versus your reality. You bring with you your list of special people and they bring with them their entire army of people to stake out what they will in order to beat you to the punch. This is why people are divided on this day, every year, and it is right and with right energy that they are like you are in that you have no time to deal with people who are going to try to hurt you over a thing that, any other time of the year, would be something that they would take the time to shop for.

Please, do not take my musings as being much more than a simple observation over the years. I will not lie to you – I used to do the Black Friday thing, up until my second child was born, and it was at that time, after she came into my life, that I chose to NOT show her, my only daughter, that this is how we do things for other people. I did not want this child believing that in order for someone else to Love another in any way at all, that in order to prove that, we have to go through a bunch of crap to make it happen, and we have to sacrifice our own sanity for one day a year, and we have to get into fights with strangers and possibly be arrested for assault on those strangers, all over a trinket that would prove to people who should already know who they are in our lives, should already be well aware of who we are in theirs, and most of all, who do not need the proof that we love them that already should be there for them, if, indeed, it is that we truly DO love them as much as we tell anyone that we do.

I actually love the people who I gift things to, from the middle of my soul, and they know it, and they tell me, always, that I am Loved, that there is no need for my proof of a material gift. They tell me, as much as I tell them, how important they are in my life, how important they are to me, and no matter what, they know that if I could do more, I would do more, so long as it means that in order to do more, I do more peaceably and without the fight mentality.

This is the problem with us humans – we are all too eager to fight, and I am included in this because I am human and I get ass hurt and I get the idea in my head from time to time that I have to prove to people that when I say that I Love them, I mean it. It is not my fault nor under my control that they either know this and believe it or vice-versa. I am not who is in control of how people feel about themselves, and I am not in control of who believes what I have to say, and I am not in control of others, period. If they are going to love what I give to them or not is completely up to them. This is another thing that no one thinks about – the gift recipient also matters in the energy exchange. They matter because we hinge our very yuletide selves on their energy and the hope that we might be able to have some of it for ourselves.

And this is really what this time of year is about – NOT about the actuality of the gift, but the energy behind the gift. Who are you buying it for and why are you buying it and who of the two of you is going to get more from that gift – you or the person whose approval it is that you might be seeking out? Why is it so important that we go out and purchase a symbol of our Love when we can purchase the materials to create that symbol of our love and why is it so important that anyone at all involves themselves in the corporate game of chess that we do not want to hear is being played on us?

Why are we so more inclined to buy a piece of Love for someone else, in exchange for their energy, when in reality, we should, all year long, be studying and observing who they are and how they are? Why are we bothering to jump into the game where the big-box stores and their corporate greed-mongers are the ones who will score?

Why are we not more inclined to take the entire year, every year, to be in the energy that is the Love between Soul families, and why are we not paying attention to what someone else might need rather than what we think they want ? What is the deal with thinking that for a moment in time, either for them or for us, their smiling widely at a thing that can be exchanged versus a thing that was created from the year that passed and the year that you collected similar memories with and that is now commemorated by you, by Spirit and by the very Love within you?

Again, this is not to say that nothing can be purchased – I Love a good sale, but it is to state that it should not be a time when the energy created is that of a fighting energy, but rather and only, a loving one.

Once it is that the entirety of us can get past the materialism attached to Love that we are told and have been taught for generations is not but that which was created by people with already too much. The more that we are inclined to seek what it is that others seek from us, the more we will realize that it really IS the energy behind the thought of the gift rather than only the gift itself. There is value in the lessons that I have learned these last five years, after everything in the world that a spoiled princess of a girl named “Rox” went bye-bye, including and absolutely, her perception of the reality of giving a gift and who the intended recipient truly is. I found out that being broke brings out the best in others who are truly Loving and brings out the worst in those for whom it is the gift that they cannot purchase anymore that matters more than anything else does. This is the lesson that was given to my being a broke-dick these last five years, and it was the one that brought me back to who I am, for real, at least in part.

So please, people, stop beating the crap out of old ladies just to save a few bucks on something that needs to have the energy behind it that tells the person who receives it that they are worthy to you, at least 7.99 worthy…

I Love You All !


Traditions that no longer need to be

There seems to be that one tradition that is Universal when it comes time throughout the year, and namely during this holiday and the Christmas holiday that really is the paradox of all paradoxes

Holidays. They are meant to bring us together, but the truth of the matter is that more often than not, and yes, I called and asked a police person, it is this holiday that is today, Thursday, November 28th, 2013, and the next one, which is Christmas, that are meant to bring us together to celebrate with one another. Yet, most of the time, it is that we will fight. There is a reason that I personally do not like putting too much into the commercialism of the holiday season which begins in October and ends in …well, never, for the most part.

My thought is that the reason we fight with each other during the holidays is that for many years, ALL of us, no matter who we are or where we are at on the planet, has a bone to pick with someone in our extended families. At the moment, I sit here on my computer, listening to my parents talk about what they will be taking to my uncle’s house, and this is fine and good, but the reality is that I stopped listening a long time ago, about the greatness that blood relations hold for us. I won’t sit here telling anyone that their families or even my family is not good enough to hang with, but I will state that there is no law and neither a rule that says we HAVE TO be with the people who make us nutty during the holidays.

There are only two times a year that I celebrate with family, and it is because those two holidays are primarily for kids, and last time I checked, I still have two others who are minors and those two love to be with their cousins. I have decent memories of one side, but horrid memories of the other side of the family that I grew up with. Those memories will always be there. I cannot not recall them and I cannot go forward into that black night called “pretending that I like being with people” because regardless of who anyone is, it is not someone else who will have to explain away my words and actions and they will be the words and actions that have taken place in the past that came into my own awareness that prompt me to make the choice that is staying home and making my own Turkey and Football day meal.

On one side of my relations, I can deal, because they are as motley a crew as it gets, but the other side I have nothing to say to, at all, and in between this all there is the matter of the dying guy who, my brain says, will be, this year, celebrating his last Thanksgiving. My other thought is that why do people question anyone at all about the way that people celebrate anything at all. I am not, just like no one is, obligated to hang out with people when I know that holidays are the thing which make the very worst in me come out, and it comes out because I can “see” things that other people, a lot of people, that is, are not aware that they can also see. The one thing that I can see is straight through a lie. As well, I know when someone is being “pretend nice” to me, and I am not one who can be pretend nice.

Pretend Nice

Pretend nice is that game we play to accommodate other people, even and especially when we know that they don’t like us as much as we don’t like them, and really, this is actually the truth of the beauty of things because at least in that energy of not liking one another we are being truthful. The only thing that anyone can do in that situation is to just not deal with it and to also not create an energy of “pretend nice” that anyone else can see through and more, that the people who we choose to hang with during this time of the year also ought to know.

Thing is, while people spend all their energy and all of their selves, even temporarily, on trying to get someone else to try to be nice to a person, and vice versa, and try hard not to fight, the best thing that anyone else can do for another person is simply NOT to engage in the energy that is already there. I learned this lesson YEARS ago, that the only way to not have to hurt and fight and all of that other mess that happens at this time is to just not be there for it to happen. A lot of people like to give me a buncha bullshit about why it is that I am not hanging out with family (relatives) when I should already know that this is THEIR celebration. That is the problem, folks – we are too ready and geared to accept what is someone else’s tradition and we keep on NOT going with what we know is right for ourselves.

Too many people want us to sacrifice more than we care to, including our very sanity, at the cross of other peoples’ portended needs that are actually wants. You can all think that I am way selfish, and I really give not one shit about what people think about me as it is, so why I am going to not continue my own tradition of not being in the line of fire, at least on one side of the family, when I can choose to spend my day right here at home, not fighting over who said what and to whom at this time last year, and not fighting over why it is that certain people are not and have not been involved with my family as much as other people think that this one person should have.

Well, what have to ask anyone at all is this – why the hell is it so important to you or anyone at all that certain people show up? Why is it so big a deal that anyone would need someone who does not like people to begin with, to hang out with people they do not mesh with, and why are you buggin’ about the idea that since it is that this is YOUR tradition, that anyone else has to follow it?

Yes, this might be a harsh thing to read on this day in particular, but the reality is that people should be GRATEFUL that certain others are not present during this holiday, or any holiday, because once it is that anyone comes out of the idea that since you, yourself, loves to be with your family, that you or anyone else will not and cannot see beyond what is right for YOU. Did it ever occur to anyone that the reason that people DO NOT show up to certain familial ‘things’ is because people like me KNOW already that we have to be in the energies of people who are not being completely honest with themselves, and that people like me can read you like a book, and since you are not aware of your own energy telling you that I know this already, then I must be who does.

No, this is not toward anyone in particular, but is rather and only in response to an email I received this past week.

Traditions that no longer need to be

You can lambaste me after you are finished reading this, because my whole life, while I know that there has always been Love for me, the problem that is mine is that there are so many traditions that only pander to one side of things, and rarely does it address personal preferences. I love my dad’s family, and no, they are not who has, year after year, asked me if I will attend anything, even as they are gracious enough to extend the invite. They ALL know that no matter what, my Love is theirs. These people are intelligent enough NOT to impose on my own traditions, not to question my reasons why I am this way, and more than not, they are also not willing to try to talk me into something that I am not inclined to do, ever.

It is the tradition that imposes on people, the things that do not fit us all, the things that cause arguments and cause fights at the holiday time, and the tradition of going with the pack instead of going with what someone feels is the best thing to do for themselves. I am not one to follow pack mentality, and only realized recently that I have never been.

We hang onto traditions that never fit us because for some oddball reason, we want to be loved and accepted by our families, but if that includes our being faced with the possibility that there will be fighting because some people cannot keep their fucking opinions to themselves, then that is what anyone at all is asking for – a great big giant ugly fight, in front of your grandma and your aunties and uncles, cousins and siblings. Why can we not just be with the people who we call “family” and why can we not just go with the flow that is our own, all the time?

Because, that’s why. This is not saying that I do not love these people. This is saying that I love me and them enough to not be in the company of those who want to try to change me, control or influence me as to what it is that THEY want and NOT for me, but for them, and this will call on me to be pretend nice, which is not the truth of me. I can only live from the very truth of me, and playing and making nice, no matter how few times a year I feel like I have to, NEVER WORKS FOR ME because of the afterward part.

The afterward part is where I feel like I have failed myself in that, no matter how much I try to NOT partake in the gossip and the nonsense, I somehow end up being in the middle of it and when I take my leave from it, I end up feeling like a dirty soul, all because I was too busy making nice to be who I really am, and who I really am is not someone that certain people with whom I share DNA appreciate. One might assume that the appreciation from them would be that I not be there, pretending to like them, pretending that I do not hear what they are saying and knowing what they are NOT saying.

Traditions that no longer need to be are the ones that include our NOT being able to be our true selves. Many people want others to fake it every year, and I spent my lifetime faking it. I can no longer fake it, because I am way too real for that.  While it is that there is not one person on this planet who I do not love, there are some who I do not love being with, and it is not their fault, neither mine, but that this is just the way that things are. This is the way things have been for many years, and for many years I bought into the idea that maybe one day I will be accepted as I am by the people who expected that I accept them as they are.

Guess they missed that lesson, right?

There are some traditions that we create on our own, and it is not only for the good of others, but more, for ourselves.

We each need to really start thinking about the value of traditions that historically have broken our hearts, shattered our souls, made us fight the fight just to be ourselves. This is why I celebrate this day at home, with my kids and their dad, the dog, the television blaring, and yes, an hour or two with my family whose names are Wendy and Alan and Susan and Jordan and who have never, ever judged me, no matter how strange I have always been.

Do not be scared to break the traditions that have always only broken your heart and crushed your spirit.

Happy Holidays…GO STEELERS !!!

I Love You All !


How to see Loss in a whole new way

No one likes to lose, ever. 

I used to be a very sore loser. It was because my whole life I was shown that people who lose, no matter what it is that they lose, always lose. I was taught that to be someone who loses, that this makes you a loser. What no one pounded into my head at that time was that my losses were not really losses. What I was never taught was the ability to see that maybe the things and people and situations in my life, at any time in my life, were not really losses but more and instead were times when whatever it was, or whoever it was, that would no longer be part of my life anymore, that it was not a loss, but a clearing.

Yes, a clearing. Clearing. Cleansing. Ridding or manipulation of the energy that is loss to see it another, more useful way is what I was never taught how to do. I had to learn to deal with things all on my own. While it was that I was taught as a kid to “trust the Lord,” which, make no mistake, I DID indeed trust my parents’ God, I have accepted at this point in my life that the reason it seemed, from time to time, that I was lost was NOT because I was lost, but because I never really and totally trusted the God who my parents worshiped, which eventually led me to trust nothing at all. I was told what I could believe, and that was that. I was told that I could trust nothing more than “The Lord” and that “The Lord” would handle all of my woes and all of my worries.

What no one told me about “The Lord” is that I needed to believe in what “The Lord” held for me. How was I to do that when  my whole life I was also scared to death of “The Lord.” I knew as a kid that one day, I would do as the R.E.M. song states and would eventually lose my religion. And I did, but I did not lose my belief in a Higher Power. I lost a part of my Self when I accepted that maybe my Mom’s “Lord” was not the “Lord” that would do best for or by me, and it is because I could not trust in a male entity who wanted an absoluteness of energy when it came to those who would follow his holy name. I could not then, much as I will not ever, bow down to a force called “The Lord,” even though I will say never not respect those who do believe in that same manner.

This was a significant loss for me in that all along, I wanted to totally believe that the god to whom my parents kneeled, and the very same one that I grew up believing in, would not be the very one to whom I chose to kneel any longer. It hurt me to feel like I had been chipping away at something that my mother built within me all my life, and when I finally came to the realization that what she taught me, I learned, it was like the storm passed. The guilt from not wanting to be called “saved” anymore finally left me, because it was not the indoctrination of a text called “The Holy Bible” that she was teaching me, but instead was the passionate nature of what she believed that stays with me.

You see, we each know when something is not right, and we are each more inclined to try hard to make what does not fit, fit, and we do this most of the time when someone else who is important to our Self has some sort of stake in it. In my case, it was my mother’s very dear belief that her God has and always will take care of her. In my case, I, too, believe, will never NOT believe, that Spirit and all of Her helpers will always be right there. I will always know to look at things from a spiritual perspective, and will always follow what is my first inclination from that energy that I carry with me that tells me that I am right and good in the eyes and the arms of Spirit, that no matter who judges me as this, that or the other, that in the eyes of the Goddess, I am the perfect representation of Her, am the whole picture of who I am supposed to be at this moment in time in my life, and that, above all, I am settled, happy and comfortable in the warmth that is the Love of the Mother Goddess.

Mama said there’d be days like this

It should be without mention that I have been through a lot lately, that a lot of us have been through more than our own fair share, but this is not something that the majority of us do not think about. All adults who are of a certain age have all lost something, someone, at one time or another, and in those losses there is always that one that will not leave our thoughts, and this is with reason. If we no longer think about the thing that we lost, we cannot see the thing that came along and made it seem like what we lost was not that big of a deal. Even though our losses can be thought of as gigantic huge deals, the fact of the matter is that unless and until we can see them as steps to other and better things, they will always only seem like losses.

What no one is really ever taught is that we lose things all the time. My best example is that everyday, every person who has a hair on their head loses at least 100 hairs every day. Yet, we won’t think about it unless we have to or unless someone else says something about it just as I just did. We lose the hairs on our heads because there is another hair growing in behind it, or maybe the hair that fell out broke off – whatever is the reason we lose those hairs is irrelevant to the one purpose that it falls out. Our hair falls out, for the most part and in most cases, because a new one is growing in and has started pushing the old ones out.

If we could think of things in this manner, like the things and people and situations in our lives as being like those hairs which fall out every single day, we would also see that in that way, just like the very hairs on your head, the people in your life, the situations in your life, the things in your life, all will fall away to make room for better people, things and situations. The old must go. This is not my rule but is the very rule of the grander universe.  I have written it in the past, have been told so by my many esteemed Spiritual teachers that if there is anything at all the the Universe abhors it is a void.

The Void is the reason that we get what we get when we think about the things that we need, want, desire, and more, do not want, need or desire, and the funny part about us human beings is that we are more inclined to dwell on what we do not want, rather than to daydream about what we do want. We have been conditioned to believe in the idea that who we are is not big enough to make a difference in our lives, have been taught, again and again, that we have to work at everything, and the truth is that yes, we do have to work, but most of the time we are working to keep our own selves sane from the things that we try to do that bear no fruit other than what we perceive as more losses.

I have a few friends who are in the middle of things going awry at the moment, and at the moment, they know exactly what it is that they need to do, but at the moment the thing that they have yet to do is accept that things, at this very moment in time, without going backwards or diving ahead forward and sticking only in this moment, the thing that has yet to be done is to accept this very moment. When we can accept this very moment, and utilize what it is that has created the void is when we can begin to release the emotional tendency that humans have that tell us that if we let things go, we are losing what control we have over whatever it is that is making us crazy at the time.

That’s right – what we think we are doing is anything but what needs to actually be done. When we try hard to not hurt others, what we are not thinking about is that maybe they are meant to be in that energy and that no matter what we try to do to help, that we will not be able to help, because the simple fact is that it is not our battle. The way that this ties into this and you being involved with anything that is not your own is that when you make it your own, and things go awry, you have invited in to your life the loss that has yet to be created.

Read that again if you will – when you choose to venture into a place where you know you are going to end up losing, and you still venture there, you have begun the start of the loss. Think about that and realize that it is the truth. There have been several times in my own life that I wanted to do something so dearly and someone else brought me what I needed for it to all happen, but something also told me that while these people had what I needed in a technical sense, what they lacked in a soul sense is what caused me to lose out on a dream that belonged to someone else. I wanted so badly to see them see their dream and in that want I realized loss.

And the bitch of it all was that it was not my loss to begin with but that in that energy I created the loss on my own.

Rather than trying to avoid losing things and people, perhaps it might be time that we all chose to see things as the chance to learn how not to lose what we need in our lives.

Perhaps it is time that we all see the gains brought by the loss



One day, every November

To be alive and well and able to see the sun be right where it’s supposed to be everyday…now THAT is what this Life is all about, guys…

Every year, for many years now, there is one day in the month of November that families get together to be with one another. I cannot refer to the name of the holiday, and it is for personal reasons that I don’t. Yet, even as I will not refer to it as being the day that it is called, what I will say is that every year, year after year, there are things and energies which I reflect upon because the truth is that I am, indeed, grateful, everyday of my life, to see that the sun still hangs in the blue Southern California sky, that my kids, even though things are not as great as I wish they could be at this time, are healthy and happy, that my dog is still in need of a bath.

People make such a big deal about things that happen the day after that particular Thursday every November that it is hardly a question in my mind that people are getting more and more cynical about everything. Well, sure, when you think about the way that big business has forgotten what it means to be with people who you love the most and for the reason that you are there, it is without wonder why it is that most folks cannot see anything but what is so blatantly there, all the time, from all sides – that it is not that Thursday that anyone wants us thinking about but instead is that following day. I have a few things to say right now, and all of it points to Gratitude.

Albeit, with attitude…here we go !

I am grateful to those who have hurt me, pissed me off, made me feel like a fool. I am grateful to those who have taken the time, again and again, to forget that I am a human being and that I have feelings like everyone else and that those feelings get hurt, often. I am grateful to those who have talked behind my back, threatened me, told me I was no good, that I am evil, that I am selfish and arrogant. I am grateful to those who did not bother to know me before they judged me harshly, and grateful to those who did not have the time of day for me.

Yes, I am grateful.

I am grateful because without all of these kinds of people visiting my life at the time in my life that they came to me, I would not know how to be humble, would not realize that other people don’t like being bullied, don’t like being told what to do or told who they are. I love that I have had these people teach me without my asking about how it is that humans deal with one another in a manner that is master and servant, that is “one is better than the other,” that is cold, cruel, heartless and selfish. I am grateful that I knew you, that maybe I still know you, because without you, I would not know who I really, truly Am.

I am grateful to you all because in those little tiny moments in my own life, the times when I needed someone to be there for me and to listen to me and to hear what it was that was breaking my heart, there you all were, somehow, to make sure that I knew that I would never be good enough to be with you and yours.  I thank you. I thank you because it was this energy, the one that told me that you did not want me around that saved me the heartaches that most assuredly, I would have suffered.

I am grateful to all those people who hurt me, who thought less of me without thinking that maybe there might be a human person inside of the ears you chose to speak your fabricated truth into, the truth that told you all the time that no matter what, I am not acceptable. No one ever told you that maybe it was not that you did not want me around and that I finally got the hint, but rather and only that, one day, I just no longer cared.

I am grateful to those of you who took the time to point out my flaws, to make me remember that I am not perfect, that somehow, in many ways, there are things that need improvement. Without you there to remind me that I am not perfect, I might not have been compelled to at least strive toward excellence. Without you there primping and preening and making a big giant show of your own perception of our own awesomeness, I would not know how ugly it is for a woman to need to be told she is pretty, that people like looking at her. I would not know what is the truth of the beauty within or that the beauty within is what creates the beauty on the outside. I thank you.

I am grateful to you if you chose to tell wild stories about me, and grateful if you felt at one time or another to lie about me, to make up tall tales about me, and I am grateful if you felt better because of it. I knew I would be of some good purpose for you, and if that was what you needed from me or anyone at all, I am grateful that it was me because just like I would not have had the experience that you gave me, you would not know that no matter how ugly your words were and how ridiculous your stories were, I was still there for you and still, I loved you.

I am grateful to those who have bullied me, from the time that I was a little girl, the all of you who did so, because without you I would never have realized the reality that is the fight, not with others, but with myself and how important it is to always know who I am for real and to not trust what it is that others think I need to be in order to please them. I was not, and no one ever is, born into this life to make others happy. We are brought to this lifetime in order that we might be of good service to others, and if the service that I provided you with was so that you could, for one moment, feel validated by your perception of someone who might not have thought of themselves in the manner that you think of yourself, fine. I am thankful that you showed up, that one or two of you are still here, because as time has passed and memory has slowed and you are not the bad asses you once may have been, I am still standing, and I am stronger than I have ever been in my entire life. This is a priceless gift that, without you all, I would not have ever received.  Thank You !

I am grateful to the one person whose mission, it seemed, for many years, was to make sure to it that I knew no other person would ever love me, that no one would want to bother with someone who was so emotionally dented and dinged, was to make sure that I felt like a whore, like the lowest step on the ladder, like the doormat that many women end up feeling like. I want to thank that person for making me KNOW, quite on my own, that I am not a one in a million girl, but instead, have become the famed and fabled, always sought out but rarely found, once in a lifetime woman. I thank you, because without you, I would not have been able to figure out that it was my place in your life to walk you down the Path of forever, and so that you might, one day, very soon here even, be meeting the Reaper who awaits your walk with him. I THANK YOU.

I am grateful, most of all, to those of you who have stood by me, who remained a brightness in my life when it seemed that the light had dimmed. I am grateful to those who have loved me for years, and grateful to those whose lives I have only recently become a part of, and who, by their own words, have called me a big part of your lives. I am grateful to have known you all, for many years, and even for only a few days, because just like the sun fades into the twilight, so that the moon can show us herself, so, too, has there been the never-ending thought in my head that if it were not for all of the Overlords of Doucheland throughout the course of my life who were there to remind me of why they felt they needed to hurt me, I would never, ever know what it is to be truly with Love in  my life, and neither, what it means to be loved by a family. This is who you are to me, and you all know exactly who you are. You are a gift and a pleasure to me, and I Love You all so very, very much. I Love You. Thank you for being part of my family, and allowing me to be so big a part of yours!

We bring new meaning to the term “Motley Crew” and yes, I know…”The Crue”…hahaha…. I love you all, so very, very much, from the sunny side of the street called Southern California, to the other side of the country where my Southern Ladies rule, to the ‘aina in the middle of the sea, and to those places in the universe where I have only dreamed about…to you all, I wish the very best of all to you, and yours, and may your Love be known to all as much as it has been made known, very dearly even, to me.

Yes, indeed, without your presence in my life, I would not ever know what it is to be Loved, without condition, and truly.

I thank you all the very most.

May this be the very blackest of Mondays we all have ever known!






This was supposed to be a totally different piece, but after these last few days, I am thinking that we all need to be reminded of a few simple and basic truths…

It was a text I had received which followed a text just like it, but the compelling thing is that the text about which I am writing and the text that sent me into this ….tirade…came from a college-aged lesbian couple which had recently become ugly, rife with domestic violence and emotional abuse and, of course, tinged with the sickening drama caused by addiction.

Basic truths are those things that we all tend to forget about when it is that our Egos have chosen for us to be afraid of things that we do not want to deal with. One of those things that I do not want to deal with at this point is anymore drama, and the thing about it is that I already know that the drama I am dealing with is somehow meant to show me things that I do not want to look at. One of those things is that for the majority of my lifetime, I have always loved being with and around people, but the truth is that I am a very private person with a few people who I call “close friends,” and the best part about that is that they all know who they are. Yet, I am not wanting to write about that, because that is not what today is for. Today is the way that it is because today we are all being faced with the harshest truths of our lives.

It is a harsh truth that not a lot of people are happy these days, and they are not happy because they are all seeking things outside of themselves to make them happy. One of those things that people think makes them happy but in reality is making them miserable is hanging on to people and relationships that are not working and are not working because they either never worked or the people involved in the relationship have outgrown one another. Sometimes it is that one person in the relationship grows so much that the other person feels alienated, and the truth about that is that growth happens, and it happens, sometimes and for other people, without us.

That’s right. I said it, now deal with it.

Sometimes, what we think is the best thing for us is really the very worst thing, and it is the very worst thing, not because we do not want to accept it, but because we will try very hard to change other people to accept it to our benefit so that we can make sure that we have a place in their lives.

What I want to know is if people know that there will always be a place in someone’s heart, then why is it that people need and feel entitled to a place in anyone else’s life?  It is not helping anyone, not even you, if you think and believe for one moment that being there and present and silently making believe that somehow hanging around where it is that you know you do not belong is going to make anything any better for anyone at all, even you? I JUST saw someone today who asked me, NOT what I know about their situation, and not what I can do about it for them, but why it was that these things were happening in their lives when all they want to do is Love someone.

The only thing that I could tell her was that there comes a time when we have to be able to clearly see where it is that we have been, to be willing to see the things that we have put ourselves through and more, the things that we have said and done in the past in relation to certain other people and to know, for sure, where it was that we need to decide – do we stay and try to make other people change for our ego’s calm, or do we do the right thing, the thing that we know and have known we are supposed to do, so that we do not have to go through the pain, again and again, because the pain is what brings us back to the place where we are right now?

I knew she would not listen to me, because every time this person comes to me – which is a whole lot – it is the same thing : She wants to be a particular person in the life of her ex-girlfriend, but the ex-girlfriend got tired of being abused, so the ex-girlfriend came to me to ask me how it is that she can make it clear to this person who does not listen, the reality that is that they can no longer be together? It was without hesitation that I told this young lady that the choice was hers, has always been hers, to be whole, but that the choice has got to include her own willingness to heal without her ex being there to hold her hand. The ex-girlfriend wants only the best for the person who keeps coming to me, and while I have relayed these things to them both, I must tell anyone who will ask that no matter what you want to believe, when a thing has reached the end, and when the lessons that were meant to be learned have been seen to, and you have chosen to look away and think and believe that you know better than Spirit knows , then you DESERVE the hurt you have right now.

It is not the other person’s fault that you hurt, because you are choosing it. You are choosing to keep on running back there and you are choosing to see only your damned sorry ass self in the entirety of things and it is without regard OR respect for them, the other person, that you have NEVER had. You cannot believe that you are going to be who changes them, that won’t ever happen, and it won’t happen for you because you are not willing to allow things to happen for them. You are being foolish and selfish and you are not seeing that in reality, you are impeding their growth, which is, in turn impeding your own.

You want to keep on running back. You want to make this person think that it is their responsibility to make you feel better about how badly you have been behaving, for likely a lot of years, all without regard as to how you have behaved. Your behavior is that of a child having a big fat tantrum, of stomping his or her feet, of behaving in a petulant manner ALL THE TIME and without regard for much else other than HOW YOU feel. Are you at all aware of the work that your ex-girlfriend and I have had to do to even and only scratch the very surface of the damage that was put in place there by the actions that you BOTH took when shit hit the fan? Probably not, because you just texted me again to find out if your ex had come back to planet Earth and seen the light that you are somehow the only person on the earth who is right for them.

I want to know if it occurs to anyone at all the thought in one’s head that tells us that we know the end has come and that the only thing we are doing in hanging on is trying to control other people so that we can hide there in our own misery in that place where we think we are safe and good in the arms of this person who wants nothing to do with us? I want to know when it was made okay that people have the very nerve to not listen to someone else and still demand to be listened to AND to be seen to? I want to know why it is that there are people who feel that they are SO important in the scheme of things that is the lives of others that when the answers you are given are the ones that are the correct ones but are also those which do not fit in to your end result, that you will elect to make life for others grandly miserable because you keep on screwing up.

You keep on screwing up by NOT listening to anyone, even your very self, in that part of you that reminds you daily, with each argument, with each little ding to the heart and soul of you, with each rage-filled tirade, with each tear that falls, that somehow things are not okay, not only in your own life but also in the lives of those who depend on you for your emotional support. You want people to support your growth, but you also want people to do things your way and if you have not figured things out yet, you have to work toward getting things to be your way. You want to behave as though what your ex-girlfriend wants is not as important as what you want, and the reality is that your ex has a better handle on what you need, and what you need is her absence.

It is the absence that was already there prior to you beginning to lambaste her at every turn that caused your ex-girlfriend to heal and grow, and then you came along and wanted things to be your way. You cannot have your way. You had your way. You want to be the star in the middle of her universe and you want to be the ONLY one in her life who is also female and attractive. That cannot be – the earth is populated with a whole lot of beautiful women and I don’t know what turnip wagon you fell off of that makes you believe that you are the last beautiful person on the planet, but you are not, and it is not what you look like that makes you ugly.

What makes you ugly is the weight of your mistrust coupled with the past mistakes that only your ex was willing to be honest about, and it was I who encouraged her, who encourages anyone to always be honest, because being truthful rather than sneaky never requires an excuse once you get caught in the truth. That doesn’t even sound right. What makes you ugly is the idea that every time your ex even speaks to you, you behave as though she has been hopping from bed to bed, with every thing beautiful and LGBT that she can, and you want her to believe that you Love her when in reality you want to own her and that is just not possible.

I am the one who has put her up to telling you the truth, who puts anyone up to telling anyone else, the truth, and the truth is that you …YOU need to check yourself, and you need to be the one to be strong enough to let her go for the moment and go out into the great big world and learn how to NOT hang on to people who are simply just not good for you. I hear it all the time, from some of my actual close friends even, this same story.  This is a heartbreak that is universal, the one that tells us that we are no longer wanted, but most of the time we are no longer wanted because what we were supposed to do, we did, and to stay in a place where we no longer need to be seems pointless and drains us of our energies.

If you see yourself in this story, and you are compelled to blame someone else for how you feel, and you are in the mindset that one day, they will change because you are that well worth it for them to have to deal with your shit again, I will invite you to please contact me because there are some basic truths about how you being an ass for long periods of time has caused people to think of you as already gone from their lives. If you love someone, and they don’t want to be with you because of things that YOU have done, let alone that they have done, it is wise for you to heed them, to respect what they need, because if it were the other way around?

Yeah…you would …WOULD want them to just back the hell off of you, let you breathe, let your grow, and consider the possibility that everything becomes possible once it is that you can take responsibility for the things that you did in relation to the thing that broke your heart.

I have news for ya, cookie…while it is that she may have broken your heart, you are who stays that way, and hell no – she doesn’t care, because she listened to the things that her soul told her, yes, about you and about the things that you did and the things that you were and are capable of, and more, the things that she knows you are not yet able to do. That’s right, sweetie – you are not all the shit you think you are, and you are not better than your ex, and you are not the only one who has been hurt, but you are the only one who feels she is entitled to the life of a person who only wanted to love you from the beginning.

If there is one thing that this healer cannot stand it is someone who is so presumptuous in their idealized thoughts about anyone else that you will assume that you know what is best for her and according to only what you want.

I must end here right now, because the more that i think about this mess, the more I want to cry because I have a client who is now beside herself for having listened to her heart and soul, told you that she is bad for you, and you stay. You stay there like a dried piece of turd on a green lawn, white and hard and behaving like people do not know what you are.

This is bullshit. Please kokua me and your EX and  Get over yourself.

For the rest of you…and you, too, oh, she who chooses blind ignorance to the glaring harsh truth…



FRAYED: Light Workers Need to Rest right now

Being a Light Worker is a lot of work and requires a lot of energy. It can become draining when we do not know when to stop and take it back for ourselves.

I am the last person who is going to sit here and tell anyone else in this healing thing we do to stop and take a break for yourself, and it is because I am not one who cares much to stop and take breaks, and this is the thing, really, that has always crept up on me for a long time and has become a habit for me that I need to learn to break – the habit of believing that no one else can help my students other than me. This is the biggest lie that a lot of light workers believe is the truth, and that lie is that if we do not help everyone we come into contact with that we are somehow a bad person or somehow we are not worthy of our gifts.

I will not say that the Christian religion of today is what caused this belief in me, but I will say that the way that I was taught to be Christian while I was growing up was basically, in order to get into Heaven, you have to work yourself to completely drained state and that unless you do that, you have not done enough. It is a hard habit to break but I want each and every light worker who is reading this right now and who is also like what I have described here to know and believe that really, we are fooling ourselves if we think we are supposed to don an invisible cape that reads “Wonder Chick” and that we are, even when we are so very worn out, much like I am at present time, meant to take on one more “thing” that is essentially someone else’s.

We are not. We are not supposed to over-extend our own selves to the point where we are not only not able to help other people, but to the point, as well, that we are exhausted, NOT from people coming to us but from our taking on way too much. And yes, this is where I find myself right now and this is the reason why this is being written today.

Do not wait until you are frayed to take a break

I have been told, again and again, that I need to take time for me. Yet, that is something that I know that I have difficulty with and it is because I have guilt over things that cause me to think that “if only I had been there for this person and their problem, they might not have” gone through, happened upon, ended up with the thing or the people who they did end up with. It was not until a few days ago that I realized that I have simply overextended me, that I have given far more than I have accepted and received, that I am not as good at receiving as I am at giving and that most of all, I feel bad when I can’t help and I feel worse when I feel guilty for not having offered help.

Then, when I woke up today and thought about all the things that I am going through myself right now it hit me, hard, that it is now my turn for me to do my own healing because in my own life there is a man who is dying, three kids who need me, a set of parents who are not getting any younger, a family business that requires things being done, a pile of laundry that is not going to get into the washer by itself, and always, there are dishes to be washed, sheets to be changed….I think you are seeing what I am saying here. In all of my healing activities and teachings with my students, I have neglected the one thing that I teach the most – to take care of me and my self.

It is not wrong to take care of You

The biggest reason that I talk much about the Christian religion in regards to how I was raised in it is because by that religion I was taught a whole lot of things that really are not correct. The one thing that I was taught, because it was misinterpreted by me as a child, was that if we are to be Christic in our thoughts and actions and lives, then we have to do more than we are to Be. By this I mean that it is taught throughout the world, even now in some cases, that to give til you are drained is more pious than is to live by the soul and to love as big as you can, because in loving as big as we can we are already promoting healing.

It was my thought and then it became my way of being until recently that in order to receive love a person has to earn it, and that is just wrong. In order to receive love is through earning it is the way that I discerned, as a child, what God wanted me to do, which was to live as a pauper, take on the world, give all I have and not expect a damned thing in return, and guess what? I ain’t even got the proverbial pot to piss in, and my silly ass is trying hard to not do more for others than I have been willing to do for myself.

Be at least willing to do for yourself what you will do for anyone else, and believe, no matter what your mom’s big giant jealous mean God wants her to tell you is the truth, that to be good to one’s self is a form of Love but is NOT selfishness

I cannot believe that it took me this long to just NOT take on so much. I can take on enough just with my own life at present, and it will please people to know, too, that you can also all do this. Don’t take this as being my giving permission to anyone for anything because I do not have the right nor the power to make anyone do anything…as has been proved to me this last month alone. NO matter what it is that I have intended or taught and no matter how well intended I want to believe someone else is, anyone else, is, I have to remain true to me, too. In all of the activity that I have been engaged in with teaching and healing (and NOT making a mint doing it…I am not a high-priced guru…I’m a teacher and a healer…there IS a difference), while it is that I was taking pretty good care of my charges, I was doing a lousy job with me.

I thought about dropping all of them, but the thought vanished because that leaves open the circle that is the energetic answer to everything else. No, I can’t do that, but what I can do and have chosen to do is step away from everyone else’s crap and handle my own life in progress.

On Behalf of Exhausted and Spent Light Workers Worldwide

On behalf of the rest of the world of professional weirdos, I think it is time that someone spoke to the world to tell you all that we need a break. We need our students to please understand that we are tired, especially now in this time when everything in the world and in the lives of people everywhere, is, essentially, a big fat mess. Most of us want to help still, but all of us are tired and all of us are tired of repeating ourselves.  Most of us know that you need our energy, but we need our energy, too, and no, I am not talking to any one particular student, but to the whole world of people who want to lean on the energies of anyone else.

If you are in a bind that you think you cannot get out of, the problem is not that someone else won’t let go, but that you are not believing that they can let go on their own. The reason why it seems this way is because you are not believing it yourself. If you want them to let go, then you have to let go, too, and you have to do it for real and not just say it. You have to believe it. If you are constantly being lied to, and this is for light workers like myself who want to trust everyone but knows that we cannot, the only thing I am going to say is that the only reason to hang on to anyone at all is not because you want them to change but because you love them, with the knowing that they are not going to NOT be full of crap. You have to let them go and see to it that you – YOU are no longer lied to rather than trying to make a liar be honest.

Know now that you cannot now nor ever change someone else. If there is one thing that is maddening to any healer, it is the idea that any one of us can take away your pain. We cannot. I cannot stress this enough. The real job of a healer is to teach our charges how to deal with their maladies from the soul level and to follow the path that their souls lead them on in order to figure out, thus far, how it is that anybody gets to where they are right this moment. We cannot judge your future because that is up to you to create. The only thing that we can do for you is to observe and advise. While I am sure that there are people on this planet who can heal someone, I am not one of them who will be so bold to make such a claim. While I am very good at teaching others how to bring healing into their lives, only a fool would believe that I am powerful enough to make you or anyone else, whole again.

This is not to assume that there are not those on the planet with the magic touch, and neither to assume that there are not people who need just that. It is to state that there are a whole lot of us healers right now who are in need of rest, in need of a recharge, and there are so many people right now hurting that we, the healing populace, are beside ourselves with all of the things that we see and all of the things that we hear and all of the things that we know could be done if people would just realize that it is not me nor someone like me – a healer – who they need to depend on, but themselves and the things that we have taught them to do for themselves to the best of their ability thus far.

While I will not state that I do not see miraculous things that maybe not a whole lot of other people do, I will state that I have seen, recently, the magic that is people reaching out for healing, meaning that they have learned to believe in things outside of themselves.

Now all they have to do is put into practice what it is that they have learned and accept that they are as powerful as they want to think they are. There is never a time in any healer’s life that anyone of us should be feeling frayed or frazzled, but right now, more than only this Kahuna is feeling the strain of the weight of the private worlds of each of our charges. We need to believe our way out of this energy, we healers do, and we need our charges to know that we are not above them in terms of being human.

It is not a matter of thinking, folks, but believing that you are able and powerful.

I believe you are.

I Love You All!


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A longing for home

“Home” is not a building.

I get emails, lots of them, about a general and collective energy that is “I want to go home, ” but always, the corresponding energy to that is the question we ask ourselves and our Guides… “but where is Home?” All of us have had this issue, and all of us have felt homesick, sometimes to the point of tears. The tears are the evidence that there is a place called “Home” for us all and that has nothing to do with the dwelling in which we live, and everything to do with the sameness of energy that is our Soul Family.

Home…it truly is where both your heart AND soul are

If it is that you are feeling like you have been going through what seems like a VERY severe disconnect, it is not an oddity and really, you are dearly NOT alone in that feeling. What we are all doing right now, in a collective manner, is realizing who we are, and who we each realize we are is bringing to light a whole lot of issues that have plagued us each for the bulk of our present human lifetime and at this time, the one thing that is plaguing us is not that we can’t stand the biological families that we each were born into, but that we are now out and about connecting with those who we have a soul-bond with.

Lots of times, we long for familiarity, and we long for others who are like us, and when it is that we feel lonely and we don’t know why, it is not because we need to go and find a new place to live physically, but really, it is because the longing for home is more or less a longing for being with people whose souls are just like ours. These people who we long for, they also long for us, and when the time is right and the conditions are right and our souls are ready to receive them, like magic, they just happen upon our lives. And when we long for each other like this. it is not a bad thing, and yes, a general cleansing is what happens, and it happens so as to make room for those who are worthy of space in our lives.

Do you know who your Soul Family Is?

I know who my Soul family is. The members are varied in personality and in preferences, but there is a similarity between us that is NOT anything physically had, but spiritually and emotionally had. Now, when it came time for me to realize these people I actually went out into my world and sought them out, and failed miserably at finding them. The reason was NOT because I was a jerk or because I was somehow not right, but because I was just not ready for them to start appearing for me. It began many years ago, when I was a youngster. The people who are still in my life from that time, and while it is that throughout the course of my life and their lives, we went on our Paths as we did, those who are meant to be with me, and I with them, came back. Those who were never supposed to leave, never did. Most of all, though, the ones who I had yet to know on this plane have, within the last year, have come into my life.

Because I have the wherewithal now to not see what I see when I see it, I know who is part of my Soul Family, and I also know who is only in my life to bring me a lesson, and, as well, so that I may give to them what it is that Spirit intended for me to give to them. When you are part of someone’s Soul Family, you know that this is them, and you know it because part of the longing that we felt will cease a bit. There were a few who I met in the desert, and then when I came down the hill, were many who I met within the last year, and then recently, there are the ones with whom I have reconnected, and, as well, the ones who are my relatives and to whom I refer as being family.

The reason that I wrote that last paragraph is because I want to illustrate for you the thing that I am trying to get across to you, and that is when you are “home” you know you are, because you will feel like you are “right at home” with those within your Soul-Family.

The families we are born into are not the only family we will ever have

I will state it, again, that the families into which we are born are only our vehicle into this lifetime. They are meant to bring us here so that we can have the lessons that we are meant to have with and by them so that we will learn what we must before we begin to meet those who later on in our lives will show themselves, at least in the manner of the Soul, as being the same as we are, even as they are physically markedly different.  Two people on this plane can be of two different ethnicities, and even as they are from two different places, and from different cultural backgrounds, they are still the same Soul family, and in that manner, they are alike.

When we are with people who we have this bond with, and who we share much in common with it is the first thing, upon first meeting, that we recognize – the sameness of Soul.  I have written poetry about it and I have taken a lot of notes on these things that happen between us all. The one thing that I have become very good at is recognizing the sameness of souls.

The Sameness of Souls

In an instant, that is how we recognize who is our Soul Family members. We know them right away. It is like looking into a mirror that is not us, but IS us, and right away we remember all the things that we were taught from the beginning of time. Right away, our Soul Sight is heightened, and right away there is the familiarity that never goes away. It is these people who we share much more with than we realize. It is these people who, when we happen upon one another’s lives, it is like we were waiting for the day to come, no, not to meet, but to reunite.

There is the sameness of the Soul there, the sort that no matter where we go on the planet and no matter who we meet up with, we have that Divine connection between ourselves and our tribe and more than that, no matter what, we know that even when, in this consciousness, our hearts were made broken by the things of this knowing, we were not ever alone. We know that we never didn’t have a place to call Home, because in that one moment, we return Home to our own Soul’s beginnings. 

The next time you feel like you are longing for Home, remember that it is not that you want to go to a building that symbolizes your physical place of dwelling, but that you and others who are within the same Soul Family are just putting it out there that you are there for one another, and that at the very same time, you are all trying to go back “Home”…

I Love You All



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“An’ harm Ye none, Do as Ye Will”

Too many people take it for granted that the things that we each do and think about anything will somehow not come back to bite us on the okole…hard…

“An Harm Ye None, Do as Ye Will.” Those are the last eight words in the Wiccan Rede. When someone practices what I practice, which is my own system made up of a mixture of Paganism, Wicca, Hawaiian Spirituality, and Native American Spiritual beliefs, the one thing that is common, not only among all of these energies, but all Spiritual energies and systems, is that whatever it is that you do, go for it and do it, but do NOT do it as an act of revenge, or when you are emotionally irrational, or, most of all, when all you wanna do is show off. You see, I have spent a LOT of years studying a LOT of these things, and it was not because I hate my Christian upbringing (quite the opposite because without it I would have no grounding in Spirit whatsoever and would not have grown to be who I am now) that I chose the Path I now follow, but more, because of the things that I already knew.

One of the things that I already was aware of was how the energies which are always present are utilized in what anyone who is not a constant student of anything strange would not know. You can call it anything you want, but using any sort of Magick (The Craft, Voudon…you know, anything that seems like it could make you grow a third eyeball in the middle of your forehead and a hairy hump on your back, or, you know, the sort of thing that people who are like I am, know and know because we have been EXTENSIVELY trained by GENERATIONAL practitioners) with the intent of harming someone else, whether you want to believe it or not, that energy, since it comes from you, it also returns to you in the same manner that you doled it out.

Doing anything worth doing takes a LOT of care and thought, and that is not truer than whenever you set out into the world to “do as Ye will.”

Let me tell you what – if it is that you would like to “do as Ye will,” there are a few things that you really need to consider prior to even putting that energy into something that you are not sure of. I think my most favorite student is the one who comes to me to learn the theory part about this kinda stuff, and who leave not only more knowledgeable about these things, but more than that, have a new knowledge of exactly how it is scientifically that this all works.  While I won’t sit here and ‘splain it all to you, what I will do is tell anyone who is reading this that any good practitioner of “doing as ye will” will NOT forget to tell ANYONE who comes to such a person that whatever it is that they are wanting to happen, no matter what you are told, no matter how much money you pay for someone to do as they will on your behalf – NO MATTER WHAT, that which you want done to someone else, that which you wish on someone else, all that crap will ALWAYS COME BACK TO GET YOU and guess what?

There is NO getting out of it. It is scientific. The energy that we each send out into the Void comes back the same way that we sent it out. This is not something that we don’t all know. It is Newton’s Law in action and is the power called Focused Thought. When we focus our thoughts, they become energy and everything in existence is energy. It is there, but our perception of it varies.

Some of us take a good advantage of these energies, and we are inclined to go out into the world, doing as we will, to our own benefit, which also makes it to the benefit of everyone else, too. The same thing happens when we are inclined to do these things with malicious intent.

Malicious Intent

It is a judicial term, I know, but more than that, it is an energy that is vile, that hurts EVERYONE, and no matter what, comes back to us with a fury and a fiery vengeance. This is called cause and effect.  Whatever it is that we want to cause will have an effect, basically, and sometimes that end result is what we want, even when it is maliciously so. While it is that we are able to enjoy the fruits of our labors, out there in the great big void that is the Universe, there is something equally as malicious brewing for us, as much as we wanted it conjured for someone else.

A reckless practitioner will not heed these Universal Laws, and because of this they end up believing in their Power but it is a Power that is had by and because of detriment. When we wish for someone else’s downfall, someone else to hurt, and someone else to have to experience things that we were momentarily angry about, and we forget the whole “An’ harm Ye none” part of the one rule that should stand out above anything else in the science of Human Behavior, we are not really doing anything wrong to anyone else as much as we are doing wrong for us.

Oh Woe is Ye

I see it, all the time, in the form of an email that starts off most of the time with these words – “I need to know if you can lift a curse.”

No. I can’t. There are special practitioners for such things, and I do not “do as ye will” for a whole lot of people. In my own Tribe, you have to be pretty danged special and a big giant part of my life if I am going to do something like this for you. The reason that I will not is because I am not going to put myself through the act of taking on someone else’s vibration for the purposes of hurting someone else because someone else was not too bright about the things that they thought they could do.

And let us get it understood, very clearly, okay? It is not wise to do things that you really have no real clue about, that you have not, yourself, bothered to at least become familiar with, if you are not as equally as strong as you are ignorant. Yes, ignorant. I say this because there are a whole lot of people walking the crust of the Earth who like to label themselves as something that they are not, only to find out later on that what they did to someone else has come back to get them. In my culture, this leads to something called “Hawai’i Sick,” and in the medical journals….well, there is nothing there about them that will not be labeled as being “psycho-somatic.”

Oh boys and girls…it is NOT psycho-somatic. It is called reaping what it is that you have sown.

“But Rox! I was mad and emotional!”

Yeah. I know you were, and that is why this is being written, because today alone I have had more than enough of the FACT that I have seen way too many nubile-brained new “witches” (and no, I am not a Witch…and it wouldn’t matter if I was one…so, THERE!) who have not paid their dues in terms of learning what it is that they will do out in this great big world. People, let me tell you this much – you have GOT TO be able to resolve the thing that is emotionally making you feel like crap. No matter what, even if it means that you have to say goodbye to a good friend, or a job that makes great pay but sucks in terms of everything else…basically, ANYTHING AT ALL that makes us feel like we are energetically charged with negative emotion- these are the things that, when we choose to act on them and do as we will, and we do as we will with malicious intent, not only does the person who we sent that malicious energy to feel it, but we also will.

The fun part is that when we “also will”…we don’t get to choose it or where it will come from or from who, and those who we think we can trust we find out that hell no, we cannot. I know this. I find it amusing that there are people who, to this day, still question my “guesses” and the strength of my own will when it comes to things beings exact and right. I will not now, nor ever will I, ever do things that I do with malicious intent. I will not now, nor ever will I, strike out against someone else maliciously, and if it is found that there has to be a lesser of two evils, I am always going to choose to do what is lesser.

And when I have to choose lesser, I am usually okay with it, because I am given a heads-up to the likelihood that through the things that I feel I have to do, that I will be learning something new, even if it might hurt a little, and sometimes, what needs to be learned is the letting go of things, of people, of situations, of thoughts, of energies…of everything, if that is what it will take, and for about five years now, that is always what it has taken. When this journey these last five years began, I was at a loss, in every way possible, and here I am, alive and well and stronger than I have ever been in my life.

Be very careful what you do and who you direct your “as ye will” at, seriously

There are a whole lot of ways that this statement can be taken, and all of them are cautionary. I will use myself and the way that I once thought was the only way that I would be, and I felt this way because I was very good at being someone who had a buttload of money. Yes, folks, there was once a time when I was a golf course community snob. While I was not the only one who was this way, I will say that I was the only one who was pretending to be this way. What I wanted people to think I was is “classy,” but what I was is a boorish snob who needed BADLY to not be one. The best way to de-snobbify anyone is to take away that which makes them believe that this is really who they are.

It was not the money, neither the big house, the golf course, the cars in the drive-way and garage, the ‘papered’ dog…it was not a snob that I wanted to be, but instead, to be thought of as someone who has manners and style, who is, even when in her weakest or her lowest moments, still the very picture of class while maintaining who she is, metal horns up, no shoes on her feet, and a beer in hand, pinky out, of course haha…I was reminded that when I was a kid I hated the idea that people thought they were better than anyone else was, and that is what I turned into, but I will not ever say that it did nothing good for me, because it taught me a whole lot. The most important thing was that things that look costly are not the picture of class and high manners, but that actually being a respectful and dignified woman, one whose strength she wears proudly on her sleeve, and whose Love for herself is real and apparent, and most of all, who knows she is loved.

But this wouldn’t have happened for me if at one point in my life, I did not wish that every rich person who had everything they wanted would suddenly lose all of it, and more than that, that they would also and suddenly lose their means of getting the income that it would take in order to be considered “rich.”  I might have lost all of my stuff, but in losing that stuff, I regained my Self.  Because of this very harsh life lesson in wishing things on other people, I learned that what we wish for, ask for, happen to intend through doing “as ye will,” is ours, but that we need to be concise with what we ask for, and most of all, it can bring harm and calamity to our lives and not at the time when we will expect it to happen.

I learned about the real me in asking for the things that I wanted, but more, I learned very well the meaning of the last eight words of the Wiccan Rede

“An’ Ye Harm None, Do as Ye Will.”

I wouldn’t have things any other way.




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The Battle

It is at the time we feel the weakest that really, we are our very strongest

If you asked me what my greatest battle is at this moment, it is that while every other part of my life seems to be falling into place, the part that can be called “financial” seems to be the one where I have always had the biggest blockages, not only now, when I have a clue (and when I need more clients), but always, even when I was younger (and it seemed that all would always be well with me because I am a big thinker…apparently the world is still very scared of thinking big. I am not.), and now I am learning not only the value in bartering, but also, in the things that I know have never worked in the past being more and more attractive to me to use in the Now than they were useful to me at the time they were in manifest.

However, I do not want to talk about something so sensitive, because really, I am very sensitive about my income because it all hinges on what other people can pay, and right now, there are not a lot of us on this planet who can pay a whole lot for really very much at all. Instead, I want to talk about the idea that we have always known that whatever did not work in the past might work now (because we also know at this point that if we can see our “choices” as “options” that even merely the change in the word, even though it means the same thing, is a change in the energy which surrounds that word.), and more, the ideas that we have now are able to be tried, but that maybe, just like the stuff that we have to battle with now that has always been there for us to battle, period, that the things we came up with in the past were created in the past so as to understand and use in a current “Soul Battle.”


Inner battle. The battle with the Self. Warring on the Astral Plane …no matter what you want to call it, it is all the same. When we have come to that place called “rock bottom” and we have found ourselves fighting back tears and wrong assumptions and one day, we are given the energy from Spirit that tells us, through other people, that what we have gone through we did not and will not go through it all alone – this is when we know that we have been engaged in a battle royale with someone else, and not in a physical sense.

Not in a physical sense

Our biggest battles are normally fought with ourselves, but always, the way that it happens is that someone else brought to us the idea that whatever it was that we put energy toward was not what their ideal of that same thought energy was, and therefore a battle ensues. The battle of the egos, that is, and the battle for nothing more than just being able to be thought of as “sane.” And I know a whole lot about that sanity thing, because having been through a lot myself, I should be anything but completely in my right mind right now. The battles that we are given are ours for the choosing, and sometimes we choose the right ones, and sometimes we choose the worst ones, and sometimes we choose on behalf of someone else, and that is when we are at our highest best.

The Battles we fight should be thought of as the fire which refines us

I write a lot about how the fires of life are what make us who we are. It is through all of the battles that we go through, mostly the ones that we go through with ourselves, about how we should go about something that make us the nuttiest. What I mean by that can be well exampled by a marriage that has gone very, dearly wrong and one which those within that boundary have found themselves at a loss for the right words to tell the other.

The Overlord of Doucheland

A woman can be married for almost twenty years, and in that time span can be told, or actually, bullied by her husband, not for the right to call himself the head of the household, but for what he perceives as being his right to lord over the woman, because in his mind, he is the powerful overlord, but in the minds of many, many people, he is not more than merely the Overlord of Doucheland.

Without giving regard to her status as “full on human being,” she, too, like the property, becomes part of that property. While he fills his days and nights with his own perceived and overblown arrogance, she is there, waiting for some sort of clue that she is a valid human being. While she knows that she technically IS a valid person, it has become so dearly her position to let him have his way (because we all know how douchey sumbitches get when they can’t have their way – they become large,petulant toddlers having constant tantrums) so as to NOT upset HIS balance of things, that somewhere in the chain of events of years gone by, she was forgotten as being completely human.

So, many years go by, and said wife makes friends, and those friends, she finds out, also have the same issues at their houses with their own Overlord of Doucheland and it dawns on them at that point that they are totally NOT alone in their pain. They find out that there are others on the planet who are like them, and they seek these others out, only to find out one thing: they are all very tired of the overlords, tired of living in Doucheland, and really, they are done with it.

Yet, the Overlords, they have no intention of letting their one prized possession go, because without these woman-things, they have no one in their own midst and their own minds who they think they are better than. When it is that the women in these situations finally have had absolutely enough and they tell these wannabes that they, the women, are pau hana, or done working, with the Overlord’s crap, it is when all hell breaks loose and suddenly the overgrown toddler throws an overgrown tantrum. (In some houses the Overlord is not a guy but a very clueless, full-of-herself and wants nothing that is not in HER plans, douchey woman who can then be referred to as a “manchick.”)

And this goes on and on, for years, in lots of homes. No one realizes it until they get to that point where they either try to save the Overlord one more time, or, finally, they choose to save themselves. It is when these people choose to save themselves that these moronic spouses of theirs get REALLY ugly, with their words, and sometimes, with the violence which can ensue. And the violence is all a measure of control and fear, until one day, the prized possession no longer cares, because they’re tired of being afraid all of the time, and by my stating that they no longer cares, it is not because they do not care that they threatens them or man handles them, but that they no longer care what others think of them anymore.  Eventually, basically, and one day, the opinion of other people no longer matters because, eventually, we all figure out that at the end of the day, when our heads hit our pillows, it is only ourselves and the grand Universe there with us.

It can be dangerous, physically, (Been there. Done that.) and sometimes, it warrants our needing to seek an outside opinion (again, been there, done that…) and even some help to get us through where we have been, what we have seen, when it all catches up to us, and it is through the outside help (mine’s name was Angela…yeah…peculiar that her name was Angela, right? NOT) that finally, when the dust and the bloodied self of the Soul have stopped aching enough to have clarity about anything, this is when we know that we are meant for other things and NOT for being in servitude to another human being, and namely, not an abusive spouse. 

The battle in this situation was my own, and there are two women on this planet who know it well, and no, one of them is not my therapist even though both of them, because of me, should be easily able to earn their PhD in Psychology. These are my two best girlfriends, both of who could also be and have been the woman in this story. Together (outside help and opinions) we thought ourselves through and out of the situations we found ourselves in.  I will be the last person on the planet who will tell anyone that they don’t have to worry about abuse or being abused, because I know different. That is beside the point. There are reasons that we all go through what we go through, and all of it is learning, all of it is meant to refine us through the fires which we are forced to walk across, or go backwards in to the jaws of the deaths we have already gone through.

What being bullied and abused has taught me to this point

I have learned through those who have been close to me and also less than kind to me for years and years and years that I am one who will choose her battles and who will never NOT choose them again.  I am one who likes the challenge brought by the words being said to me “I don’t think you can do this. You are not good enough at it…” and also one who will not ever back down from being bullied by anyone, ever again, and it is not because I wanna fight, but because I am not afraid to make it known that while I might be a skinny little twerp, I am a powerhouse in the soul.

What the bullies in my life taught me was that I am not one who should be ashamed of merely being me, for real, without apology, because they believed, maybe, at one time, that who I am, for real, is a threat to them. The only time I am a threat, when anyone is a threat, is when we are made that way by them so that they can have a reason to feel threatened by anyone. It is another way of their controlling us by their stating that we are being threatening. Anything at all that seems like it hurts, hurts, but sometimes, what hurts does so with grand purpose.

With Grand Purpose

I have many friends and acquaintances whose life stories can be thought of as nothing short of miraculous that they made through their own battles  alive. So many things in our lives claim us for long periods of time and when we choose to think of them only as being a pain in the okole, that is when they are only a pain in the okole. When we decide that one day, we would like to not be in the positions that we have found ourselves in, we also decide at that time to allow Spirit in and let her do what She will with us.

The pains we suffer are with grand purpose, are meant to teach us what we do not want to go through and more, who we are in relation to ourselves.

The Battles we fight are ours to choose, so choose wisely.

You are learning how to be who you are, for real. Stop fighting who you are for the sake of making someone else feel better. It is not worth it. You will never not be you. They will never not be them, and sometimes, you always being you, and they always being them is enough to make anyone decide that the battles which will ensue (because really, we ALWAYS know who we WILL fight with, and more, who we will be in permanent fight mode with, forever, sometimes.)




Operation SoulShine

Foran Toy Drive

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