If there is anything that anyone who has been abused knows a lot about it is the idea that in a relationship there is the idea that there are two people in it, but when we are speaking in terms of our actively being a part of that relationship, when we think about it further, in an abusive situation, there is only one person and one non-person, or at least this is the lie that we are told.
For many years I have stayed quiet about the things that I have gone through, being careful to not bring up the past, not only so that I would not raise the ire of my abuser, but also so that I would not have to live through the muck that impeded my life and my willingness to go through what I went through – that’s right- I said it, now deal with it. Let it be well known that we humans do not go through anything that we do not choose to go through. Am I saying that those who have been abused wanted to go through that hell or really did make the choice consciously to go through it? Oh HELL no I ain’t.
What I am saying is…
Precisely what I am saying is that every single person who has been abused chose to deal with the reality before them rather than risk what they did not know would or would not happen. There is no way that anyone, unless they are a sadomasochist, chooses to be beaten, to be belittled, to go through what I and many others like me have gone through.
Everyday we choose to deal with what we will, and we choose to have the reaction that we will have to it, and in the case where a woman is being abused, physically or otherwise, this same thing can be said. We would rather deal with the devil we know instead of risking what we assume is the safer option – which, in reality, is no where near safer. It is safer to get out of a situation where someone else has all the control and the other person is controlled. This is not the way that anyone’s life is supposed to be, not at all, but there are a lot of people on the planet who go through this all day long everyday and they do it while quietly pining away underneath it all, watching time and life slip on by while they stay there in that fear wondering when it will end.
When will it end?
God bless my best friend, April, because she has a way with being able to tell me things that I need to hear without making me hurt anymore. She has told me for a lot of years that no, I am not worthless, and no, I do not have to do anything that my soon-to-be ex-husband tells me that I have to do (or else he will….really? who fucking cares, right?) and I want you all to know, right now, for sure and for real, April is right. (April is ALWAYS right!)
April told me these words on more than one occasion, and today they stuck to me like dried shit on a long haired dog’s ass – “it will end when you choose for it to end.”
This is correct, by the way. We abused and survivors of abuse pine and wait for the opportunity to finally choose to do something, and the one thing that is the hardest to choose is to choose to no longer be a victim. I am no victim. I am not some shrinking violet – not by any means, but when that sonofabitch decides to run his mouth all those years of taking his shit catch up to me and make me a jumblefuck of emotions, these days causing me to have physical pain whenever the adrenaline kicks in and the fight or flight reaction decides to take hold.
I have spent the entirety of my adult life under the thumb of one person, and when someone gets used to that sort of thing, it is a hard thing to not do anymore. He does not like that I, like the ever-blooming flowers, are pushing up through the bullshit of his own life and his own losses, and he does not like that I plan to no longer be married to him, and he does not like that I have chosen to no longer be his to walk all over – those days are over with. It will be a challenge for me to have to get through this all while he runs his mouth, all while he begs me not to do it, all while he still will be who he is and I am who I am now, and who I am now will not allow his bullshit and will not deal with the disrespect that I allowed for so long,
We allow it, guys…really…
While there is no excuse for abusing anyone, after we have been beaten down into an unrecognizable-from-who-we-really-are on the inside shell, because we so badly want peace and because it is that in an abusive situation we are already afraid, we do whatever we feel we must in order to simply keep the peace. Abusers are excellent at the art of confusion and they are willing to confuse their victim enough so that the victim will do anything just to not hear that they are horrible, just to know that they have escaped having the shit knocked out of them again, and of course we learn to duck very quickly because of all the things that get thrown at us both literally and figuratively.
But, again, if we did not eventually grow accustomed to what it is that we let other people do to us, and we do not allow people to turn us into their doormat, we will not become their doormat. Yet, if, like me, because of your size and the fact that you have always been a peace-loving, fun-loving, loving person, period, all your life,and you know this is the truth of you, then like me you likely opted to try to Love your attacker into becoming peaceful, and then later on down the road found out that it only gave them one more avenue through which they could get into the meat of your soul and do what they would in order for you to be so scared. I know this because I lived it and even now, at this late juncture, I still have a lot of fear, but it is not fear over what it is that he has already done but rather and only what it is that I assume he will do.
Collectively we have to stop allowing these behaviors to run amok, because amok running is what the abused are so great at. We run amok when we get a little bit of freedom, and we run amok thinking that the tiny amount, that tiny space of time that we are allowed by those who would like to keep us locked in a prison of our own making, of time that we do have to make a choice is going to last forever, but it isn’t.
I know that if I do not divorce this person that I am the one who will pay for my own choice to not be well and not be happy and not be all who I really am, and who I really am is a person who loves fully, who lives to the brink of whatever it is that you want to think is the brink of anything, and I am hardcore when it comes to caring for others – there are only a few people who I know I can trust, and those people know that when I Love, I Love big and real and for a long, long time.
The lingering question is if this is the truth of me, why then was all I had to give to one person not enough? Well, because he could not evaluate it in terms of price tags and how much he could sell it for one day. He could not place a price on it and could not see what I had to give to him as being of any worth.
So, what’s a girl to do?
I’ll tell you what a girl’s supposed to do – get a divorce, that’s what, because there is one other person on this planet who deserves me, faults and all, nuttiness and all, me, and all…
…Me, that’s who…
When it feels like no one loves you, go look in the mirror and find the one person who should love you and will again.
I Love You All!