Monthly Archives: June 2014

A Larger Awareness

The thing that none of us thinks about when we are forced by Spirit to walk through the proverbial fires in life is that our Awareness is made bigger and we are served with Spiritual gifts and the sharpening of them through that very flame.

*****

It is not about who has gone through more than whoever else. Life is not meant to only be sunshine and roses, but more a collection of experiences meant to teach us who we are in this lifetime.  Who we are in this lifetime is what we are supposed to find out. How we get there is not ever readily available for us to know, as who we are is meant to be created. We cannot depend on the opinions of others to create for us the people who we are intended to be. Other people are meant to help us get there, to teach us who we are not, and to remind us that we are not alone on our Path.

Yet, it is not always going to be a human teacher.  Our Aumakua (Guides) come to us in many forms, and lately, that form has been through avian creatures, specifically birds. Lots of us have had encounters with our feathered friends this week, and also with those same friends who bear 6 or 8 legs. None the less, more and more of us have become aware to the idea that somehow, that we see these creatures all the time is one thing, but that we have each seen them and that each time that we had seen them, it was our Souls that took notice.

It came to me, personally, in the form of these creatures, in regards to a loss of energy that was great in terms of weightiness, in terms of things that have no clear explanation other than that it was just meant to be and was meant to be because it is simply a part of the Path which we each travel, on our own, but totally not by ourselves. When I thought about the sheer depth of the loss, I also thought about what, in those same terms, I’d also lost. It used to be sad to me that I never really knew my mother’s father better than I had, but given the things that I’d known about this person, the one thing that always stood out the most to me was his gift for music. Yes, he was also a magnificent golfer, but that is not a gift that is quite the same for me in the way that the ability to create beautiful tones which become music, literally, to the ears, is something that, as someone who still loves to dance hula, is needed by all of us, but in particular, dancers.

Realize that the loss suffered was not mine, even as to this very moment, I can literally feel that loss as though it were my very own.  In that loss, though, I could also sense the loss that I had not realized was mine, which was my own Tutu Papa, a man most people only knew as “Uncle Bill.” While I did not know this man as well as I perhaps should have, what I did know of him was his music. The thing that used to make me sad was the idea that, as a Kumu Hula, my grandfather and I never had the chance to even connect on that level, because when he passed away, I was not yet the teacher, neither haumana…I was simply just a dancer who was in love with both the dance, and more, the music which accompanied it.

While several others were granted the sight of the birds, it was their song which captured me, much more than did just the sight of them. I could hear them singing like I had never in the past, and I could sense their happiness, their joy, and for a moment, given the actual thing that came to pass not too very long ago at all, I could also sense, not just the presence of the recent loss, but more, my Tutu Papa’s presence in the music that was nature. It was in this …thing…that seems to me to still be a bit of a mystery, the thing that happened in another’s life, that my own awareness of just exactly how connected we all really are to one another.

As perplexing as it may seem, and perhaps there may one or more of you who will not “get it” in terms of sensing another’s grief personally, it is not the why, neither the how, or anything “human being” that we must understand outside of the human reaction to our losses, because in those losses are the golden pieces of the puzzle which never is completed. In the hugeness of the energy that was of loss, there was also a brand new Awareness which, if we have paid attention, have bothered to want to see what other people might not want to see, has grown, and not only grown, but has grown exponentially.

How my Grandfather told me he cares still

I make no secret of it that I was lucky enough to be incarnated into this lifetime surrounded by and loved by many talented musical people. On both sides of my family I am blessed with people who can play an instrument, who can sing, and who can bring intangible gifts to all of us.  I have always loved music, always been drawn toward those who are creatively gifted in a musical sense, because I have also always known that music is the thing that any dancer needs.  I have always danced. Anyone and everyone who knows me knows this about me. I have always loved to dance, for fun, and of course, professionally, any dance style that I can replicate and make my own, with the one that I have Loved the very most since I was a tiny little girl of three years old, which is Hula.

Hula was, is, will never not be the music which is my own Soul’s musical talent. Without Hula in my life, I am not sure that I would be who I am now, really, because Hula has always been the way that my own people have communicated with their gods and is the way that I communicate, even now, with those very same gods, with my own ‘Aumakua (yes, even my Tutu Papa) and of course, when there is an audience, the rest of my own world, right at that moment. What these last two weeks have brought to my Awareness is that, if we pay attention to the things that stand out to us the most, in those things and in those thoughts which come from Awareness of those things, we find out that we are still in the company of the ‘Aumakua and of the people who are no longer physically with us in this consciousness.

While I will not state  what loss was suffered, I will state that what is not yet realized by any one of the people who do know, is the Awareness which was created that has not yet been discovered in the manner which I am positive it will be seen by those who know what I am saying here. The reason that I know this is simple, and was contained in a birthday gift to my only daughter, who is named Grace, but in this instance, I will refer to her as “My Maile.” “Maile,” pronounced “My Lei,” asked for an ukulele. Maile has always wanted to play a stringed instrument. She has always been, just like her mother has always been, somewhat in love with music, even preferring what is counted as her own version in her own generation’s version of metal music.

Maile has always had a very real closeness with my younger cousin, Drew, who is a professional musician with the indie metal band, “Black Oil.” She loves “Uncle Drewcifer,” and sometimes, they jokingly call each other “Uncle Drewcifer and Gracifer.” Yes, I know…some of you reading this are tsk-tsking me, and that is fine. Those are just terms of endearment between the two of them. She has always loved him, like I loved with all the “little cousin” energy that I can, another man from the same family which Drew hails from, whose name is Jimmy and is the eldest of those cousins of mine from that ohana. My Maile, like I was with Jimmy, was drawn to Drew because of the sameness of sibling like energy. I won’t say that it is because of Drew that she so loves live metal music shows, loves to mosh (even though she comes home looking like she has been moshing…much like her mother used to back in the ’80’s…yup…hi, Heidi…haha…’aye mijo’…bwaahahahahaha), loves everything that rocks a person to the very core of their Soul.

Maile, like me, loves music, loves being with her musical pals as much as I truly love and adore what limited time I have with mine. (Hi guys! I Miss you all…I Love You All !) Maile, like me, started learning Hula at the same age that I did – 3 years old – but did not “catch” me dancing like I caught my mother. I actually showed her how, then when the time came and I started Hula i Lalo Ka La (“Dance Beneath the Sun”), she knew what her little friends did not and was a willing participant in teaching them what she knew.

While I grew and continue to grow this Love which is contained within me that is the very essence of my Soul – Hula – my own daughter’s Love is for the creation of the music, all kinds of music, not that a dancer dances to, but that a musician plays. Just as I was very interested in the “count of 8” in more modern styles of dance, versus what is the “count of 4,” in Hula, my Maile is very interested not only in playing, but in also being able to read, to understand, and yes, eventually create her own music. While I will not lie – a little piece of my Soul aches for my baby girl to want to dance Hula again, there is a huge piece of me that is jumping up and down, “metal horns” WAY UP, for my girl, the one with holes in her lips, an attitude and of course, a Soul comprised of that one thing every kid, no matter their ethnic origins, is born with.

That One Thing is the Soul which is Aloha.

The way that my own Awareness was made wider these last two weeks was contained within what were the losses, because in those losses and according to what is my own experience with those and the ones which preceded it, not only showed up in the songs which were the birds, the flight path they chose, the fact that the wind did what it does when my Nana is saying something to me, the idea that upon the thought of certain thoughts and energies, certain creatures show up in our awareness to remind us that we are so not alone, that those who have passed onto the other side are still very much here with us, still walking beside us and letting us know so in many different ways.

In my case, it was the little black ukulele that my Maile got for her birthday, was the breeze wafting over my head and which carried hummingbirds toward me, hummingbirds who have always reminded me of my grandmother, Katherine, and who daily give me a reason to know that when others pass, they are not gone, because their Love for us never goes away, just like ours for them also does not.

We all dearly need to take into our own selves the signs which are given and which are for us alone. Once we can believe that that which seems to be coincidental is not so coincidental after all, and that sometimes, our Loved Ones who have crossed over in the physical sense, in their Soul form, are still with us, our Awareness of things gets wider. Just because they have changed form, it does not mean that they have changed themselves in any other manner. They simply have become the evolved form of the Love which they, themselves, are…which really, we all are.

Whenever I hear my friend, Owana Salazar, singing in her beautiful tones, whenever I hear any of the Pahinui ohana’s music, and yes, whenever it is on the breeze which is gentle like the strumming of slack key guitar, whenever it is that I hear the singing of the birds who visit my Awareness, I am reminded that they do not leave us…they just evolve. I am reminded that my Nana sings to me still, that my Tutu Papa is still playing beautiful music, and is doing so through means that, without a greater heightened sense of Awareness, I might not know or even have an inclination toward this idea that yes, indeed, they are still very much with me, with all of us.

Without a heightened sense of Awareness brought to us by the big giant personal losses we each have had to endure, none of us would know that the answers are contained there within our personal Awareness.

I Love You All…

ROX

1MANA_O_BLOG Drunken Hula Meme

Hey…a girl’s gotta have SOME fun, sometimes, right? Haha…actually, I try to have fun as much as I can, but when it involves Hula? It is SO on!

If you would like to know what this particular picture is all about…send  an email to reverendroxie22@gmail.com

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You can’t fix shattered

In all of life there are many tangible things which can be repaired, but only one intangible thing is almost impossible to repair once it is shattered. That one thing is Trust.

*****

We are not born trusting others.  At the time of our birth, we are not but as primal as is any other creature in all of mammalia. We are, essentially, just like the creatures of the forest and of the jungle – we are animals. We have to be taught trust, just like we have to be taught anything at all. We must have evidence that there is a reason to trust, or to not trust, and through it all, we have to still live in the outer world. No one knows what it is like to have that trust breached until it happens, and then the rest of our awareness becomes tainted with mistrust. We begin to question our own thoughts, and our own validity in so far as who we are and what it is that we need, from others, and more, from ourselves.

If there is one thing that I have a hard time dealing with that is mine alone to deal with, it is being able to trust others not to hurt me, being able to take them on their word that who I am matters. This is not something that just happened to me overnight. It took the almost entire 44 years that I have been on this planet for me to garner the energy that is mistrust. Yet, that mistrust, over the years, has served me very well, namely lately, when there is so, so much happening in my life, and all of what is happening is good. Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I have a hard time thinking, sometimes, that other people do not have my best interests at heart, at least as much as I know I have theirs, and sometimes, it very dearly hurts me to my core.

And it is in the core middle of us all where this resides, this energy of mistrust, the memories that caused it all to solidify, and the things that hurt us, still.  Trust is hard, make no mistake, and any more now, lots and lots of us are breaking out of that mistrusting energy, and it is because we have been also given the evidence of what is not trust versus what is our truth.

Let’s look at the energy that is trust for a moment, shall we? There are a million and one things in this lifetime that would cause us to mistrust anyone at all, just as much as there is a whole lot of evidence that would tell us that we can trust certain things and people and energies. My own issues with trusting other people not to hurt me comes from a lifetime of my being hurt by others. It is not their fault. They don’t know, and didn’t know, at least a lot of them, that I hurt so badly. There were those few, though, who knew what they were doing, who knew just how to make me hurt, make me cry and make me ultimately not trust them. I still don’t trust them. I cannot trust a person who willingly hurts me, and I will not trust a person who is malicious enough to make that hurt substantial, and all of it, mind you, has been substantial.

My trust issues stem from a lifetime of being emotionally abandoned by people who were significant in  my life. Whether it was a caretaker, or a relative, or the person who fathered my children, it didn’t matter when the time came and they proved themselves as being untrustworthy. Being able to trust someone is tantamount in any kind of relationship. Being able to depend on others to live up to everything they tell us that they will do is a rarity anymore. Too many of us want to speak our truth, but we don’t want to know how that truth is going to affect someone else. We expect people to take us for our word, and then some of us do everything doable to push the line and break that trust, just to see how far we can go with our own garbage.

It bothers me a lot that too many people still want to say things to make people feel better for the moment, but when proving time comes and we want them to live up to their words, they have every excuse as to why it is that they cannot, will not, and may never be able to. People tend to bite off more than they can chew, namely where matters of the heart are concerned. Matters of the heart seem to be the one place in life that people fail others, miserably. I have been told many times that I cannot produce enough results for certain others to trust my words. Then when I come through with exactly what I said I would, it is still not enough and at that point it is an automatic thing for me to do what I can to make what I said I would do happen. I do so, not to please them, but because my level of integrity is what it is, and in my world, it is one of the most important traits that anyone who I share my world with has got to have. Period. Yes, I expect at least as much as I offer…again…period.

Every abuse survivor knows this energy, the energy that is feeling like we have to prove ourselves to even the most unworthiest of people. Every one of us knows what it feels like to know that we are telling the truth, to know that whatever it is that we have promised that we are doing our very highest best to get done, and all it takes is one douchey person to crush that energy within us. You can sit there and tell me all you want that it is the other person, and while I will know this to be the fact and the truth, it will not make me think otherwise about me and my efforts. I am always going to, until I have learned to stop trying harder, try harder, and it is not because of someone else needing that instance of my own evidence brought to them to prove that I am every bit as trustworthy as I tell and prove to anyone else that I am. It is because I am me.

I hate second guessing myself, but when a person has been met, told, experienced nothing but the disappointment in outcome by others after what could be thought, sometimes, as a herculean effort to make others see who I am for real and that what it is that I say and do for anyone is golden. On the other side of that is the person who may or may not have realized that this is what I will do, that I will second guess myself and it is not because of anything that they did directly but rather and only the energies produced by whatever it was that was happening at the time, perhaps in their lives, or my own life, or a mixture of both.

Then there are those people who, for whatever reason they may have, do things to test us, who try hard to make things difficult for us, just because they can, and just because they, themselves, hurt so much. Pain is the indicator that a violation has occurred, and pain is the thing that all of us are trying to not have to deal with, yet deal with it we must. I know emotional pain, so well, in fact, that I have turned the utilization of that pain to teach others how to heal their own lives from the emotional pains they have suffered. Pain is the indelible marker for where we have been. It is the thing which, unlike a goal towards which we propel our very selves, makes us run and want to hide from the world. I have experienced so much emotional pain throughout the course of this lifetime that in this lifetime I chose to turn it into my work in the world.

I did it- my pain – because I can trust my pain to be the realness that I have been told that I have within me. I do what I do in the world and in my line of work because I am an expert on not only how we end up with the pain that has been served up to us on a tarnished silver platter, but more, how we can, right this moment, use that energy to heal ourselves and take us to the next level of awareness.

This is what mistrust by others and given to others can do for us – it can make us see ourselves for real. There are not a lot of people who know or accept just exactly the realness of who I am, of where I have been in this lifetime, and what I have been through.  There are very few people who know the depth of who I am and even fewer who I know I can trust with me.  It took me a whole lot of time to get to where I am right now emotionally, and still, it is not enough to reverse the energy that is mistrust for others and their motives. I always think that people are trying to get the best of me, and when I think that way, it becomes my truth. This is not the truth that I like wearing. It is simply due to the tattered pieces of what was once my reality, and the evidence that people like hurting others, because that is where their own misguided power lies – in that ability to make life hard in an emotional and spiritual sense for someone else.

This starts when we are children. When we are promised by the adults in our lives that we are going to have something, that they are going to provide both tangibles and intangibles for us that we can count on. When a child is told one thing and that one thing is not clearly stated as to what it will be, automatically we are thrust into a place within where we are not sure of ourselves, because someone else made sure to it that, even as we are so dependent on them for everything, they did not care enough to make sure to it that their words are made truth for that kid. As time passes, and those promises and words broken continue to happen, those things that creepy people bring to our lives are reinforced by it all.

People wonder why it is that I have a hard time with the words of others, and I shouldn’t, but I am willing to admit that I do.  It is, because of all of the things that have been a part of my own awareness and all of the crap that I have had to endure, and everything else that constitutes as being the daily living of humans, difficult for me to allow others into my privacy of my Soul.

Yet, when I do, it is because they have proved themselves to me, have proved that how I feel means something, and it means that they have an empathetic part of them that understands what it is like to have trusted people with themselves and their very core being, and have been able to get through it unscathed, even though the memories may well be the thing that broke them, as well.

I trust that peoples’ reactions and responses to what I put forth are their truth. However, I have a hard time with people telling me that I am somehow the reason why anything will befall them, as if I have that kind of power or control over what it is that they are thinking. I tend to cling to the bad things I have told, the things that others have responded to me with that cut me to the core, and it is because other people are not very sure of my own intentions, and my own intentions are not what they are thinking they are. When I say that I don’t need help, I mean I do not need it. When I am merely stating something, it is just a statement. If it is my intent to hurt someone, it isn’t as though I say nothing about it – I am not afraid to tell others how I feel, and I am not scared to let them know when they have offended my soul.  It doesn’t happen much, and most of the time it comes from someone who means something to me, the infraction of the soul that is unbeknownst to them.

Most of the time, it is nothing against me. Most of the time it is their own fear of my abandoning them, and most of the time, as it would be for me with them, I, too, am scared to death of being emotionally abandoned, of being rejected, of just plain old not being good enough. This is the truth that I was given my whole life, and is the truth which daily I find myself figuring out is not the truth, that it was the truth of many people who just figured that I was a little kid, that I would grow out of the hurts and the heartaches, and that one day I might be able to grow from it all.

Trust. It is the most intangible thing on the planet, and is what we need to be able to have with and for other people. If we have no trust, and we cannot trust the reactions that others have with and for us, and we cannot feel safe in the idea that we are loved wholly and completely by others, then, too, we cannot also believe that we, ourselves, are trusting who we are enough to be able to know what is our truth and discern what is not our truth that could be that of others’. It is when we deny who we are with ourselves that this becomes a problem. I know who I am, to me and in my life, and I know who I am to others and in their lives. Now, the bitch of it all will be no longer allowing what was someone else’s truth of me from a time in the past where, really, it was not my fault, and it was surely not my problem, because adults in the lives of children can be the worst perpetrators of mistrust on the planet and in our close relations.

I know that I can trust the people who mean the most to me. I know they have my best interests at heart. Sometimes, those people pay the toll for those who have hurt me and continue to try to hurt me, but it’s all good…I lived through them, and I will continue to do so, and more, because so is the nature of life on this planet with other humans. Humans can be assholes, make no mistake, but all of us with eyes in our heads to read these words have been there, have even done that in terms of being the asshole.

Sometimes, the most appropriate reaction is a response, not to anyone else, but to and for ourselves.  And really, this is something that all of us needs to practice…not furthering the mistrust within us, but learning to discern who is hurting us purposely, and who is not. I know who is trying to hurt me, at all times.

More than that, I also know who is not.

I will state right now that I have learned, and have learned well, what it is to hurt, and I will state right now that indeed, I do know what it is to take that hurt and all that is entailed within it, and have turned it into something that can only make me better as time passes by. I know that along my own path that I will end up being hurt, and that I will suffer more losses, and that, too, I will be lied to, but this does not mean that I am going to revert to living in the truth that may well actually be someone else’s truth about me. They are fine and good to have that truth.

…because I will always have mine…just like you, too, will always have what is your own absolute and beautiful truth that is yours.

I Love You All

ROX

1MANA_O_BLOG Drunken Hula Meme


Same Suit, Different Energy

Many of us are convinced that whatever it is that we have trained for in terms of our work in the world is static and cannot be melded to also include Spirit…wow…really?

 

*****

When I started my college education many years ago, I was primed to become a dance art therapist. This is not what happened, at all. I won’t say that I could have become this…dance therapist…either, because of the ugliness that became a part of my life at that time, the ugliness that is domestic violence and emotional abuse. While it was that I still taught, danced, and performed hula, it seemed as though just doing that with that particular dance was so totally not enough, even then, when I was a young woman in my early twenties.  I was told, at that time, that hula was enough for me, that I didn’t need to aspire to more than that, and with that, I should have been happy. I wasn’t. I love hula. I have always loved hula. I would never be able to see my life, ever, without it being some part of my everday, much as it is now. Like some folks enjoy, love and live a particular sport their entire lives, so , too, do I love and live hula.

It used to be, long ago, when I owned a hula halau in the high desert, that my thinking in so far as the dance went was very well cut and dry – you teach, you perform, you do parties, luaus and the occasional bit part, and then you just go on throughout your life loving something that you have always loved, never do it in the capacity that you once did, and enjoy your happy memories. Then, when the day came that the things that had gone on in my own life and in the marriage which turned out to be akin to a university education in survival, I realized that I was not done with this dance. It took more than two decades for me to realize that, while it was that I loved teaching this dance, loved to perform it, loved to do what has been done traditionally for generations, I knew (and my two soul sisters, April and Dannie both confirmed it as time passed) that my hula was meant to evolve into something that not a whole lot of other Kumu Hula’s love for this dance had – the chance to be used as medicine for my aching, tattered heart and soul, and more, the very chance to do what I had always dreamed to do – be able to dance for my living, while still doing good things in the world at large. This is not to say that theirs is not what mine is, because even they would tell you that this is the truth. Theirs is every bit to them what my own hula is to me. Medicine, in some form.

Trading the Pa’u skirt for the Kahuna’s Apple Bottom Jeans

Hula, as it is well known, is normally, when performed, done in some sort of skirt, and most of the time, it is a Pa’u skirt (no, not grass…cotton…brightly colored and patterned cotton…anyway…). When I lost my house in the desert, I lost more than I thought I had, but it was not as though what was lost could not be way more than it was when it was at its height of coolness. Here I was, with three kids, no house, a dog and a car…and no hula. I had suffered a huge loss that, at the beginning, did not seem to be as big as it ended up being, but in that bigness of loss, I found something bigger that can never ever be lost.  After months went by, and after I had had the worst time being anyone’s wife, and after not having danced or taught others to dance had finally brought me to my knees, it was inevitable – the mp3 player had been primed with all my numbers…and outside, there was a full moon.

It was on this night, without my realizing so, that hula became something completely not what it had ever been for me in the past. It became my Medicine Dance. Hula became the thing that I would turn to, that I still turn to, when my heart felt like it was about to again shatter into a million tiny pieces. At that time in my life, there was not a lot that would not turn me into a heaving mess of tears. It was not that hard to make me cry, and it was not that hard to make me feel like I had been and done something wrong. It was not that difficult to hurt me. It was not that difficult to make things hard on me. It was a daily thing for me to fall apart into a mess of tears. It was not that hard to help me have a very, very bad day. Yet, at the end of that bad day, there, as always, to save me from another shot of liquor, to make me not want to go into the baby daddy’s room and wash down a handful of pills and end my pain, even if only for a few hours, was my Medicine Dance.

There, all my life, was this thing called Hula. There, right under the bright and wide full moon, for a long, long time, my suit had been changing. Suddenly, I realized my own metamorphosis. My skirt became a pair of jeans and a tank top, and those clothes, my new “suit.” I found out that I did not need a degree (although I do have one), that I did not need to do much more than just never stop dancing.

So, I never did.

And I never will.

Hula, suits and how they all relate

I think I have made it obvious that I used the thing that I grew up doing as the thing that would help me on the worst days, the thing that still saves me on those days. We all have that one thing, that one thing that we do, for pay, for free, and in that one thing we are expected to do with that one thing, we are also expected that we should only do one thing in relation to it all. Marketers are only expected to market to one type of demographic. Musicians are only expected to play one kind of music. People in certain jobs are expected to only do one thing and to stick to that one thing, never using it at all for anything other than money.

There comes a time in all of our lives when what we do needs to match who we are. I could have stayed as I was, only preferring to teach and perform and only do what I do for money, rather than what it has become, which is medicine and is not medicine that is available in the manner that I deliver it by anyone else. This is the thing about what it is that we each “do” – it is subject to grow and evolve into something that it was not at its own inception.  I started dancing hula when I was 3. By the time I was 12 I was performing in front of audiences, and being asked to compete. At 17, hula was only one of four jobs that I’d held, but it was the very one which I so loved the most. At 33, I owned and taught in my own hula halau. At 40, when there was no more halau, no more students, even as there were still lots of shows I’d done, my time as I’d known it to be in regards to this dance which still, in the minds and hearts of many people, defines me, was over with.

I had to think of something, because it felt like I had nothing left in the manner that was visually creative for me that I could embrace. I took the year off, still not realizing that when I was outside, feeling like my heart was going to just break into a mess of shattered tears, that I was relearning to embrace this dance, relearning to appreciate me and everything that hula has always meant to me and for me. More time went by. More tears. More nights, cold, rainy, or blazing hot…there I was, most of the time beneath the bright almost full moon, and for three nights, even to this day, I could be found outside, music only heard by me, dancing, sometimes laughingly, sometimes tearfully, but none the less, there I was, and there I will be, beneath the Akua (first night full moon phase) Moon, being as graceful as I can, my audience being the moon, the stars, and the night creatures, and of course, The Goddess and the Aumakua, singing to me through Keali’i Reichel’s or Owana Salazar’s beautiful voice…

It did not dawn on me that my two best girlfriends these days were absolutely spot on when they both told me that I was not done with hula, that hula would evolve into something much bigger for me, that it would be something that would be for everyone, not only for little kids and most certainly not only for show. Those days, the ones for show, while they are not completely over (hi Sabrina!! It’s gonna be a blast!!), they are not as important to me as are the moments that I have, with all of those survivors who have already come to me to learn about this dance which I love so very, very much. While I cannot say that this hula is better than the time I spent with my hula keiki in Helendale, I will say that my life is richer now because I choose to take The Medicine Path with it.  My Auntie Kalei told me one time, after many years of not having seen me dance hula, that it was the very essence of me, that it was the thing which my Soul showed itself best through, and that it would be something that I could use to change lives. She was right.

She is always right.

What does your Suit want to be when it evolves?

Think about that for a moment, okay? Hear me, that is, if you know what it is like to have a conversation with me,  and understand that I could easily be standing in front of an audience right now, saying these very things and still be able to make one thing clear, either way – that thing that you do  that Spirit chose for you to come into this lifetime to do, that one thing that you would do for free or for as much kala (it means “money”) as anyone is willing to pay, or both – Only you know what that is. It may well be that you are in this awareness this time around to see if you can mold the suit to the Soul. I just finished telling a friend of mine that there is something that she can do with what she used to do, with what she is so, so, so well educated, brilliantly clever and so very, very much the Ikaika Wahine in doing, that she can take her skills and rather than do what she used to do with them, take it up a notch and go forward into the blackness that is our many veterans’ issues here in this country and take on the role of the protector for those whose lives were once lived to protect.

The things that we can do in our professional lives, with the things that we are on the inside of our souls, can become the marriage of soul and body, right before our very eyes, if we can just look there, where it is that our hearts are and who those very hearts beat for. If we could just take a moment to really think about the things that we have at our whim, and know that with those things we are meant, by the very conception which brought us each here, for the purpose of bettering our own lives, through the things that we are and the things that we can do, and for us to go out into our own worlds and be everything that our abilities, our talents, our gifts, who we are, where we are, need and can solve the question of why we are here in the first place.

If we are meant to do anything at all, we are meant with purpose, and we are meant to get there with the things that we are each born with and come into this lifetime with. This is the truth. We are here to do those things that we love to do, for others, and with others, so that together, even whilst on our own, we can make a huge difference with each little thing that we do in our lives. It is hard to believe that it really is that simple.

Just do what you do.

The rest will just be what it is meant to be.

I Love You All !

ROX

1_MEDICINE_DANCE_BOOK_COVER_RANDY JAY BRAUN

“Medicine Dance” coming soon to lulu.com.

Cover photo by Randy Jay Braun, Hawai’i’s Camera Artist


Things are meant to be this way right now

This past week brought us all something that we have waited for, called the Truth. While we may not like what has transpired, make no mistake – what we are experiencing is meant to be.

*****

Things are not fun right now and this is true for a whole lot of us. Many of us are being shown truths we have never wanted to look at head on, while others are being given the truth of things, and the truth of things are as ass backward from what we thought was there in the first place.  And no matter how any one of us feels about the things happening around us, in the lives of those who we care the most about, and most of all, within our very selves, it is not rocket science to think that even though much of this energy we are currently experiencing sucks okole, I have been hard-pressed to find anyone who does not agree that it sucks, but is needed.

There are severeal reasons why all of this ‘ugh’ is needed

A lot of us here on planet Earth have been so busy avoiding what it is that we do not want to grow toward, but like all else in nature, grow, we must. Growth hurts. Growth makes us cry, and makes us rage, and makes us go through things that we thought we were done with. While it is that certain people represent the things that hurt us, that give us pain, or conversely, give us a feeling of wholeness and renewed energy, all of us still have some stuff that we need to let go of, and whether we like it or not, we are, without restraint, letting go.

Letting go of things about who we are, or that we thought we were or maybe even still think we are, is painful. It is painful because on some level, we have to accept that things are, in some cases and in lots of ways, pau hana, meaning that we are done working on it, that maybe the others involved are not willing to change, not for us but for themselves, and we have to just accept it. It is hard to accept certain things, hard to deal with the way that some things have happened, and it hurts us to the very core middle of us. We have gone on like this for such a long time that the things that we have accepted, and the things that we have dealt with and lived with and just allowed to be as they are have called upon us to change – no, not the others, but ourselves.

We want so badly for other people, namely those who we love the most, not to hurt, not to hurt themselves, not to rob themselves of the goodness that is them, the goodness that is life that takes a bit of doing to deal with anyway, and when we find out that all this time we maybe were not wrong, but that we did more than we should have, gave more than we had, and did it all from Love, and no matter who they are, they did not step up. This does not include the things that we did not understand, or perhaps were not well enough informed about, but the things that we know so, so very much about, which are things that we have each not wanted to face, and are the things that have caused us to feel helpless for a very long time now.

Some of these things include other people, but at the bottom of it all it is simply our very selves we are facing. We are learning to accept that the things that we had hoped for with some folks just cannot happen for them, and we are very disappointed that it is like this. We cannot control what is the lessons and more, the way that other people learn. It might be that our method of learning is not what they can understand, and so we teach them from our point of view, showing them our perspective, and in that energy is the Love which is so needed by anyone, that when someone else, no matter who they are, fail to be all they can be, it hurts us, deeply.

I have gone through this all week, beginning last week, with people who I placed my hope for healing in, and all I can say about my own reaction to it all is that the learning that came this week to me would not have happened had I not gone through what I thought was the very end of my world. It wasn’t. The lesson that I specifically had to learn, I learned, and it was all about acceptance of things, about accepting that some people are not ready for the growth that, again, no matter what, will come to them. Lots of us see the growth and the pain from the growth as what it really is – temporary. Yet, for too many of us, that temporary ouch in and of itself (you know, it being temporary and all) seems, from their perspective, a little too inconvenient for their liking and their schedule and their social life. They seem to like things as they are, but the truth is that in reality, it is not that they like it or are comfortable with it, but that they really have no idea that they are learning something.

Some of us absorb the things that we learn in a sponge-like manner, and we take on these vile energies for the purpose of learning what is there, and more, what is not. What I thought would be the very end of things on one end turned out to be the opportunity to make things for someone else a little bit easier where I specifically am concerned. Where it was that I believed it to be the beginning of the end was actually the growth which I so badly needed, so dearly begged The Mother Goddess to grant me with, and here I am, a few days later, newly minted with thoughts that are not what they were just a few days ago.

Where it was that I believed the sins I had committed these last few weeks, sins which were misunderstandings more than they were anything intended as hurtful, it was actually my being taught the reality that is balance, that is the give and the take, that is the granting and the receiving. Had I not bothered to think in this manner, I might still be the torrid wreck that I was at the start of the week. Daily, the inner light within me glows a bit brighter, because with the release of the things that I thought were the truth, it turns out that there was a perfecting of my strength and a clearing out and a cleansing of what no longer is needed for me to grow, and most of all, the brilliance that I thought was no longer there became the things by which I knew that, for the first time in a very long time, perhaps even in my life, I found that while there is a lot of stuff that I have to get over and let go  of, that this includes things and thought and ways of being which really do not apply to me and neither to the people with whom I share the most time with, care about the very most, and have nothing but the deepest, truest energy of Aloha for.

This, I find, is my very truth.

The Truth Relived Through the Pain

We have always known the truth. Our Ethereal senses tell us what is the truth before our bodies kick in and confirm that truth for us.

Lots of us have had aches and pains and loads and loads of crap that we have been feeling as being the heaviest, loneliest, most awful energies we have ever had to carry within us, but right now, even as some of the things that we still can see physically are still there, we can and have been looking at them with a renewed sight. It is almost like we are seeing things for the first time. In my own sight are the seeds planted by me over the course of many, many years, and being the gardener that I am, I have tended what is there for the bulk of my time on this planet, and realize now that no matter what it is that I am looking at, that I am who planted all those seeds and now those seeds, over the course of many long years, have come to fruition.

Like any garden planted, always there is the threat of pests, and the threat of others trampling our flowers, taking our harvest, and we do not realize that what we have planted is showing us where it is that we need to deal with some things that maybe we may have overlooked. We wanted to let the weeds grow, because at first, the weeds mirrored what is another edible plant. We tended the weeds, not realizing that they were weeds, and when the flowers finally came into existence, we could not look at those weeds as anything other than what they are – not purposeful.

Yet, at the same time, when we think about those weeds, and the hopes that we had that they might not be what we knew they were the whole time, we loved that plant, not only in hopes that it would bear fruit, but more, just because it was ours, and just because it was part of our garden. We loved it as much as we did the rest of the crops, sometimes to the point of thinking that maybe we could replant it somewhere else. Yet, all along, we knew within us that it was just a weed.

This same thing can be applied to some of our behaviors this week, some of our expectations and some of the outcomes. It is not the people who are the weeds, but the things that they do and enact in our lives that are the things that we need to consider being what is really bothering us. It is not them, personally, but the things that they bring to our lives that, rather than seeing them as our only way out, are actually things that we need to learn to deal with, and a lot of the time, we would rather not. Of course we would rather not, because normally, the things that we are being taught are brought to us and into our awareness by those who we love and care about the very, very most. Sure, some of it is related to us and what it is that we need to learn, but the most of it is rooted in the things that we would rather not look at and not so much recognize, but have always known as the truth.

At this moment, like right now, I am going through this. I am going through this feeling that, once again, I am being made to feel like I am doing something SO egregiously wrong, so, so, so vile, and so something that will cut into the comfort of other people, that when I think about it, it makes me want to continue forward.  Even as I am in tears almost, over the things that I have had to listen to about how what I have to do and what I am going to do affects their social calendar, I care not one bit about it, because this is not something that I have not already been through, this week even, and it is fine with me.

As per usual, I am who will have to step up, throat exposed, while the rest of the world does what it has to, as well…but…you betcha…I ain’t scared of it.

In fact, because of it, it has given me something that no one but me, and such things as temporary strife, can…

…the reality that is empowerment…

I Love You All

ROX

1Mana Card Reading Meme RJB

The Loveliest Photography capturing the Loveliest Hula Wahine can be found by visiting www.randyjaybraun.com

Hawai’ian Mana Card Readings can be done for you by me, and all you have to do is send an email to ReverendRoxie22@gmail.com, with “MANA CARD READING” in the subject line,  and I will reply with all the details!


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