Tag Archives: change

Sometimes…

For what it is worth, sometimes, things happen that, even as we do not know where to go or what to do after the fact, we know that no matter what, it is actually for the best

Things happen sometimes at the most awful time that they can. This past week has been no exception, and my thought is that it is not only myself who has seen things happen that maybe needed to happen. As much as that might suck to read, and more, to have to deal with accepting, the truth of things is that sometimes, what we want is not what we need, because what we want has the real potential of not only getting in the way of our purpose and mission, but more importantly, it also has the potential to turn us into someone and something that we are not.

When it comes to the words of others, to the promises made by them, to the things that we are willing to hear, to accept, to listen to and to believe, the one thing that we cannot ever forget is to remain true to who we are. That is the most important thing that any one of us can do for ourselves, and the sad thing is that too many of us give up who we are for the purposes of trying to please or even appease others. That isn’t what we are supposed to be doing. What we are supposed to be doing is lifting each other up. We are not supposed to be judging each other, not supposed to play this global match of “the bossa you,” and for the most part, even though things, at this juncture in time, suck okole, the truth is that we are not different in a manner that we are not supposed to be, because the truth is that sometimes, things really do happen for a reason, and the reasons that things happened in the manner that they did in these last few days is because of one thing – to make us see what we are supposed to see.

Do you now see what you are supposed to see?

Some folks might think that I am being harsh right now, and maybe I might be, but the fact of the matter is that when it comes to the things that we try hard to not become, and when it is that something has been presented to us that seems like it is a good thing, and then when we find out that what we wanted was not what we thought it would be, let alone that what we wanted we really, really desired,  we become someone who we are not.

This is not my saying that if this past week, something that happened that damaged your property was what you deserved, but it is my saying that there are some of us who have gone on the deep end of things, thinking that when we heard what we heard, that all of our issues with our lives and all of our bullshit that we didn’t want to look at finally surfaced, the one thing that was left at the bottom of the everything that we hoped and wanted and wished for was who we really are. Who we really are, whether it is to ourselves or to anyone else, becomes tarnished with the energy that is the opposite of the things that we were willing to become, even though those things are not who we really are, we find out that it is not that someone else, that anyone else, needs to change for us, but that we need to really think about changes that need to happen for ourselves and by our very selves before we can add anyone else into the mix of the madness that is our own personal lives.

Our own personal lives

Let’s look at the example that is a new love between two people who have …well, a jumblefuck, really…of a life outside of those two. Now, don’t get me wrong – within relationships there are always going to be those little things that are meant to be there to keep folks in check and to keep them somewhere between the reality that is, and the reality that is in manifest, and the reality that is a memory – this will always be there, no matter what, and now matter what, it is up to the people involved in any relationship, no matter what kind, to take care of those things as best they can.

The issues do not happen until there comes an imbalance and a level of expectation by one, by both, that allows the tarnishing nature of entitlement and expectation to become the only thing that is allowed to be seen by others. It is not something that can be hidden, because when it happens, we don’t realize that it is happening.

We become these…morons…who think that we know what is best for anyone else and only in accordance to what it is that we want and need and desire. We can barely see past our own wants and needs, and we can barely allow ourselves to step aside from it, and we can barely feel our soul as it tries so very hard to breathe, to live, and to get out of the things that we think are meant to stop something from happening, when in reality, they end up being the very cause.

Sometimes, things just are not meant to be what we want them to be

Sometimes, we have got to look at things from a new place. We have to deal with not only what someone else did, said, made light of, but, we also have to deal with the fact that what we wanted, versus what we knew to be the truth, were not in alignment in many ways, with the most important way being that no matter how much we tried to make things happen, they just would not, and not because of anything more than that what it was that we wanted was not going to be beneficial for us, at all, and no matter how much we tried and tried, it was just not going to happen.

We could dream of things how we want them to be, but what we see in those dreams, for the most part, are only indicative of the things that we are desirous of and might not be the thing that we want to have happen. You will know when it is meant to happen because it will be easy, there will be almost no work, no effort at all, involved. There will be no talking anyone into anything. There will be no having to bargain with people, no bargaining with yourself. It will just happen. It will just be.

Things that are supposed to be will just be

I know that a lot of us want things to happen for us in the manner that we think they ought to, but lots of times, Spirit has another plan for us, and lots of times, those plans do not include the things that we think ought to happen.

Spirit is not beholden to our plans, to our thoughts, to the things that we want, but She is very dearly attached to our purpose, our mission with others, the things that we both want AND need in our lives, but we humans are so adept at getting in our own way most of the time that we cannot see past the goal that we have intended, and while that goal might be good for us and what we want, that goal may well not be the thing that is needed all the way around.

Sometimes it is better that we have lost, because in that loss we find things that were not apparent when we were blinded by what we wanted versus what was the best thing for us.

I Love You All !!

ROX

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The Birthing of Our (evolved) Selves

In our lives at this time seems to be a whole lot of turmoil, but there is a beauty to this all, really.  We have to remember one very important thing about all of this harshness that almost everyone on the planet is going through right now, and that is that the bigger the ugliness in our lives, the bigger the beauty that is on its way.

*****

I am a huge believer in the strength of human beings. I am this way because I know that my own life has called upon me to become the strongest person in it, as it is with every single on of us. MANY of us right now are experiencing things that are as mind blowing to us, not for anything else than that, while it is that we KNOW that we are loved, by Spirit, by others, and by our very selves, the things that are crazy right now, and the things that seem to break our hearts are meant to show us that those energies are not needed, that they must be vacated in order that the big, beautiful things which are headed our way can be used in our lives the moment that they arrive.

And we wait for these things to happen to us, not realizing that we are co-creating our lives with the Goddess, and we get frustrated by what it is that we have little power over. We forget that we are always being taught, especially those of us who are in the “trades of the realms,” and yes, I am remarkable at brain farting when it comes to this one thing.  Because I teach, sometimes I forget that I am being taught what I will be teaching, and sometimes the lessons that I am being taught are also to show me which segment of society I will be working with next. Sometimes, too, I am being taught because without my thinking about things the way that I should be, I have given some sort of painful something to someone else. We all know that Karma don’t play…

…and speaking of Karma…nope…that’s NOT what is going on, at least not on the whole of things

The whole of things is that, yes, there are a whole lot of folks dealing with paying their karmic debts, BUT, there are a whole lot of others who are shedding their old selves for their new selves. Many light workers are now being forced from homes they have been in for many, many years, and many of us are growing out of or already have grown out of relationships that just no longer fit who we are and probably never did. There are a lot of us who are all of a sudden quitting jobs that have given us the greatest comfort in knowing was there and doing things that are in such opposition with who people thought they were for so long that it seems to not make sense.

But really, it makes a whole lot of sense.

If you thought about the things that you asked for about six months ago, I am almost positive that you were not very clear on what it was that you really needed, as well as wanted, and I only say that because I know that when I need something or want something, in my own desperation, I cry out to Spirit, telling Her what I need, and I forget to also tell Her that when She is blessing me with what I need, to please do so in the manner that is most gentle, most effective, will leave less pain in its wake and most of all, that is permanent and that the outcome be positive for all involved.

The fun part is that all of us does this. There is not one person alive on this planet who does not trip out when things begin to pile up in our lives, not one of us who automatically looks to Spirit for some much needed reminding that we are safe and well in the arms of the Goddess. No one can lie to me and tell me that always, they do this, because always, while we remain as enlightened beings, at the same time, we are equally as flesh and blood as we are enlightened souls, and at the same time we are prone to all of the things that those who come to us for our thoughts and our energies are. While there are some of us who are better at hiding these things, the majority of people, yes – myself included, freak out, at first, when the shit hits the fan.

You know when your life is about to change when it is that several piles of shit hits the fan, all at one time, it seems, and at that same time, it seems that there is little, if any, relief from it. If it seems that there is little, if any, relief from the madness, it is at that point when one must ask one’s own self what the similarities in all of the challenges are, what, really, is old and worn out, and who else it is in our midst, who also may well be being taught the longest, harshest lessons of all, and they are the lessons of our own evolution on a personal, yet very, very powerful, level.

The other side of the ugliness

Yes, of course there is a bright side to this all. My own lessons these last months were all about self-worth and who it is in my own life who values me and who I am, just as I am, and on the other side of this, who is still being quite douchey about things. In these last few months I have learned a whole lot about myself, and most of all, I have learned that, to a select few people, I mean the world, have brought to them the thing that was missing in their lives, and really, I had no clue about these things until I thought about it and realized that what was missing for them was also missing for me.

Another thing that light workers tend to forget is that at the moment, we have a whole lot of expansion happening for us all, meaning that the things that we thought about anything are changing for us, are expanding so that the reality of the bigness that is going on now will be accommodated. In my case it is about my family of origin versus the family which I created being melded in with the family who is my soul tribe. It is also about my work in this world and how it is that my words affect masses of people, all at one time, and that perhaps and rather than only sharing the painful things, to also include in those words also the lovely things which are birthed from that pain. I had to learn to trust people, had to learn to be able to rely on one other person without also allowing what went on in my own life before that person emerged into my life to not affect things with that one person.

I had to learn who my family within my family is, and while it hurt me for a whole lot of years to feel like I had been exiled from my own people, the truth is that even as there is DNA which matches, there must be a match of energies, a match of things unexplained and a match of likes, dislikes, and yes, of course, Love and what Love is to anyone at all. I had to accept, even as recently as yesterday, that really, just as much as some relatives are not my favorite human beings, I may also not be their favorite, either, and this is all fine and good and yes, it was asked for.

I had to learn that there was more to my job than only met my human ability to see. I had to depend on my gifts for most of these last months to get me through some of these things that still, to this day, blow my mind at how easily it was that I had forgotten that even though sometimes, the things which are in our midst are presented in human or tangible form, they require a spiritual and intangible energy to make them better, or, make them no longer be present in our lives if they are not needed or wanted there.

I had to learn that not everyone was lying to me about me, that really, there are a lot of people who love me, just the way that I am, all the way down to my shoeless-most-of-the-time feet, and I had to learn to accept that this is how they really felt, that they loved me as this me, and that for me to not be this me would hurt them to their very core. I had to learn to believe that either way, what I was being told, what I am still being told, is the truth of other people, that it might well also be my own truth, but that the truth that I do not like, I do not have to live and make my own truth.

Mostly, I had to learn to be patient with Spirit, to learn that She has everything set in motion the way that it is for a very specific reason, and whether or not I am right about the reason, or the energy, or the anything, the one thing that has been a challenge for me is waiting for the good things. If it isn’t apparent to anyone, even though I am jovial, outwardly expressive in a manner that can only be called or labeled as “mad cap,” on the inside of my psyche there is still that kid who sometimes feels like she is still the last one to get a piece of birthday cake and a scoop of ice cream, and the bitch of it all is that in that energy, it is my own birthday. And once again I am faced with the challenge to either accept what others have to do and must get done long before my part in their stories become apparent to them, because once I began to learn patience, which I am still learning, I also began to “see” their own stories silently told to me in the way that they expressed their own pain and their own heartaches, their own joys, their own energies.

This time in our lives is meant to refine us, to make us excited for the things that we asked for to come to fruition for us. Now is not the time that any one of us needs to throw our hands in the air and tell Spirit that we quit – not at all. In fact, if you are going to throw your arms in the air in frustration, then express THAT and not that you quit because really, you can’t quit. You can’t quit because you asked to learn whatever it is that is hurting you right now, and you can’t quit because you are almost where you need to be in terms of who you are and mostly, you can’t quit because the reality is that there are a lot of us right now who are in the same energy that you are, and most of us are seeing this part of all this turmoil as one thing…

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through the Universe…

Being blessed in our lives with anything is great, but if we quit, we have to go through the things that we don’t like going through all over again. If we quit, we don’t get to get to the point in our growth which will also be the fruits of the labors of pain that we may have gone through for a long time. In my case it has been most of my life for me, and lots of people believe that I need to toughen up  and learn to take it like a man…to those people…I’d like to say that there is no one in your mind right now else who you would be saying this to, and if you have the very nerve to give that sort of advice to anyone at all and to do so without truly knowing who they are, you might not realize that there are those among us who are VERY tough, who are more inclined to not have to always be tough on the physical and seen-with-human-eyes level, and if this is the way that you think…well…

My dear…you need to check yourself before you further wreck yourself.

Stop telling people how they can improve your way. Take your own advice and improve upon yourself…

…not because I said to, but because that is your lesson…

I Love You All !

ROX

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The Days Which Leave Us Aching

I know that I am not only speaking for myself when I say that lately, the days and nights have seemingly melted into the miry abyss that is “Awwww F*CK! AGAIN?!!!” … Yes…again…

*****

I don’t know about any of you who are reading this, but I am about as tired as a person can get, and it is not just any level of tired, but a tiredness that is deep, a tiredness that makes a person ache for better days, wanting for nights which end peacefully, and most of all, the start of the second half of each of our lives, and naturally, the second half which includes all the new people in it that we each have called into our lives and who each have a place there.   There are people who, for years, were not there, but are back and there now, and like the new ones, we know they are permanent.

And really…no bullshit…it is quite nice.

Think about it for a minute, and you will realize that, even though (yep…I’m just going to say it) collectively, life seems to be daily taking a large, nasty crap on the whole of us, it has bonded us to one another. Each of us has this new breath of life in some manner, everyday. It is that one thing, no matter what it is for the each of us, that keeps us going. No, really, again…think about it, and you will figure it all out – things suck ass right now, even though, paradoxically, they sort of rule.

Sorta ruling is better than completely sucking

It is not that easy to try to get anyone to change their thinking habits. Thoughts are habits, really, and the manner in which we think them is also physically a habit. Some of us sit to think, and many of us, when we are in a solitary moment of brainstorming our lives in conjunction with the Goddess’ plan for them, pace.

I pace.

I pace, because I know that brainstorming one’s own life is not only delicate work, but tedious, and really, it is downright dirty work. And not the kind that you need soap for, but the sort you need to have strength of soul for, seriously. At this time there are a lot of people in my life, people who are very, very close to me, with whom I have shared a lot of time, spoken a lot of words, shared much laughter, and all of it is meant in order for me to get to this point where I actually DO know who I can trust.

This is the dirtywork I am talking about, and it is dirty because right now, we have what I have always called a “balance of extremes.” If you thought about it long enough, and let your brain stew about it all, and could, from a third party state of mind, take a very scrutinizing and painful look at what it is that we have each and all been hiding, not only from others, but from ourselves, we would realize that we are each and all hiding about what we are hiding.

That is what all of this is about right now. Take, for example, my tenth house. It is ruled by the moon in my chart, which is in Taurus. Taurus is the CEO of the Zodiac. And Taurus behaves like it – no lie. So, because of this, it is almost like me to wade through the hallways of my own mind, and in the water of my own thoughts, about how many times I really, dearly tried to work for someone, in contrast to my working WITH someone else, and it was always when I worked WITH someone else that I got the best results.

I know this about me, that I do not like being told what to do unless I ask for help. Period. Yes. I was indeed one of those kids who always wailed “I WILL DO IT BY MYSELF!” and normally I meant it. I hate asking for help. Anyone who knows me knows this about me. I am a freedom loving person. And everything about me, even the people with whom I spend the most time, whether on the phone or in person, or both, knows this about me. I do not want anything else for them than that which I would want for me, which, is freedom, but from what?

I figured something out. It is not a “from what,” at all. It is a “for.”

“For”

The freedom to be me so that I can do FOR other people, that which I also do for myself. That is what this is all about. Meaning that, if I ask someone to help me, it is only because I know that, if it were the other way around, they know I would do what I can, even if it is a minimal thing. How this is any way at all tied to the title of this writing is coming…I promise…the reason that I have used this as my example is because, in the company called “ROX, Inc.,” I am every employee. They way that I treat my employees is the way that I hope to be treated in return. There are several of them who could fine tune their skills, and there are a few who need some serious help, and there are those who are bad asses and they know they are, and then, there is the person in charge.

And right now, the person in charge is going through the employee files and seeing which one of her people needs to brush up, needs to clean up, needs to shut the fuck up, and which ones whose time is up…and really, guys, it is down and dirty dirty work. For reals.  It is not easy in real life to tell people that they are not doing what they know they are supposed to, and eventually, we have to excuse them from our lives. Most of the time, it is people who have been there at a constant, getting away with less than attractive qualities about themselves, expecting that they should continue to get away with treating anyone else in a manner which would be unacceptable to themselves.

The hard part of cleaning of the things in our own personal “Inc” is that, what we are looking at with people who are physically in our lives and who we know no longer belong there is a piece, a mirror of ourselves, and what they are showing us is that, whatever it is that is bothering us that is alive in them is also alive in us. The people who we cannot stand the most, I am finding out, are the people who have qualities in them that makes us feel a certain way about ourselves and this continues to happen until we go through our “employee files” and go through them with a fine tooth comb and one by one, promote, or fire, those who warrant those actions. It is through these assholes in our lives that we find the inner employees who need to eitehr shape up, or get the hell gone. In my case…there are a lot of my inner employees who have been pink-slipped, permanently.

And it was not an easy thing to do, letting them go, but I had to. If I hadn’t, I might not be where I am now, which is a LOT better than where I last was.

Seriously…I have been asked…what is the thing that this …firing…of pieces of ourselves do for us?

Here, let me tell you a story….actually, it is an observation that, over time, became something that I just really began to study, literally, in every way possible that I could. I began to make a study of peoples’ habits and what I found out is that our habits are a response to theirs. This includes our personal energetic responses.

When someone does or says something that bothers us, we immediately have a bodily response. Normally, our gut will tell us. When there’s a knot the answer is “NO.” The only way to make the knot from the NOT go away is to rethink the word…like this…and yes, it took me a while to learn to do it.

But I did it. I’m still doing it.

When it was that I knew I was being baited for at least a pain in the ass argument with anyone, instead of buying into their bullshit, I allowed them their moment. I stayed silent. It took me a long time to respond (by not responding), and a long time to really listen to this person and realize that for years, I had been defending myself for nothing, because all of the things that this madman was saying to me was meant to hurt me. It took me time to no longer have an emotional response. I realized, this week even, that all these years, I had been, through my own defending myself against the ridiculous lies that were hitting me in the ears all the time, validating a madman.

The madwoman in me chose to no longer allow the madman in. Because the madwoman is good on her own, and really has, instead of choosing to entertain madmen, chosen to cozy up to her own truth. My own truth was that I knew I hadn’t been treated well, because when I saw others being treated in that same way it made me really, really mad. To the point where I would react, very poorly. The day I caught it was probably the most freeing day I ever had, because I saw what I thought I had been hiding behind NOT hiding it.

I don’t do bravado, but on that day, I found out that I do catty really, really well, and I did not like it. It was not needed. I find that I like me way more when I choose brainy. Brainy gets it done correctly every time these days. Where once I was a very impatient pain in the ass, I find it to be a far more  savory experience, not only knowing that I can control myself, a LOT better these days, but that, catty comes in handy here, where it is that now, I do not have to respond to any asshole human beings. My response is just really to have no response. And like an actual cat who ignores its human, I assume, and somehow enjoys it, it is quite the experience to watch someone who is planning on you losing it, lose it.

It took me a long time to learn to do this. It took me a long time to decide that this person who chose to hurt me when they could just have NOT, did so, and it was not until I chose to no longer let the madman in that I realized I could clean house, so to speak. I could choose NOT to emotionally feel my way through all of the things that my Piscean brain conjures within itself. Instead, when it is that I need to knock my own shit off, I lean on the bull, on the Taurean moon, on the part of me that emotionally, even being a Pisces, I am able to deal with things.

Lots of things, I found out.

The pressure is on, guys

The pressure is on for us all to do whatever it is that we have to do in order to be our best, highest selves. This means that through this energy, we find that there are a LOT of things that we do that we do not need to do, and likely no longer need that energy in our lives.  Reread that – there are habits that we perform that we are not aware that we are performing that, for the life of us, we cannot seem to let go of. We each have habits that we have, that annoy the hell out of us, but we believe we are helpless to do anything about.

The truth is, though, that we are not helpless, at least not when it comes to our own habits. We created the habits, and yes, we might have had some help from other people in the creation of those habits, but none the less we are who is responsible for them, including and even and especially the breaking or changing of those habits.

This is what I mean by the pressure is on us to do something, anything, to make the “ugh” of the current moment not so “ugh.”

We don’t realize that we are who makes our own lives somewhat difficult, and it is not for a lot else more than the way that we react, rather than respond, to certain situations in our lives. I am not suggesting at all that the things that,in our lives, do not warrant our having the reactions that we do, do not have the energy and neither the potential to make us nutty from the inside out. I am suggesting, though, that there are a lot of different, creative ways that we can look at the things that are making us crazy with frustration, with fear, with all the things that we need to look at, but are thinking we are helpless to do a thing about them all, and that once it is that we have created another, new habit, we find out that we were fearful for reasons other than the obvious ones.

We do not have control over other people. We have control over ourselves, and in that control we have the power to do, or not do, something about anything at all.

It isn’t easy not handling things the way that we always have. It isn’t easy trying to look at them all and not see the pile of shit there that needs us to do something about it. It is easy, though, to step ahead of our reaction, think about why we are reacting, and easy to practice responding to it all.

Sometimes we do not realize that a change in our outer circumstances is the heads up that we need from the Universe telling us that it is our turn…

…sometimes, it is the pressure that we feel from the way that we have always reacted to anything that is what needs to be changed rather than the outer circumstances.

It rarely, if ever, is anything outside of us that is bothering us. It usually, if not always, is how we feel and emote about what is happening that needs to be different…

I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

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We can only change ourselves

Life would be easier for us all if we just accepted that we cannot change other people

A big fat lesson in my lifetime has been that I can only change myself. Try as I might have, over and over again, I could not ever change another person. It was me who had to change, and me who still has a lot to learn in the area that is getting my way. I know…that sounds pretty awful, the idea that I would write that I want my way. Who doesn’t?

Who doesn’t want their way, all the time, and namely when it comes to making other people see who we are, or see who they are in regards to who we each are? Who are we to judge another person and the way that they are, versus the way that we are, and expect them to do what we know we would not and cannot change? We cannot change other people, and it is futile for us to believe we can. If there is one thing that I have learned about a man these past almost 25 years is that when it comes to the lives and the ways of being that is anyone else who is not us, when it comes to them doing anything for us at all, it is best, it is wise, it is for your best interest that anyone at all learns the truth in the FACT that change is best left to the people who might not realize that change needs to be.

And that is where the bitch of it all is at – while we are, on our own, powerful enough to change who we are that is to our own benefit, and therefor making it also beneficial to others that we have, on our own, begun the changes needed (because no one wants to hang with anyone who can be considered an Overlord of Doucheland). If we can see in someone else the reactions to our words and our actions, and we can have the experience of bristling at their words and their actions, somewhere within us each there is the molecule that is the energy which represents the need for us to grow, willingly, out of the safety net of “usual.”

“Usual”

Usual is that word that, in my opinion, means “same old,” “boring,” or “not quite ready to give up the old for the new.” I am a Pisces. Usual prompts me to start sounding like those sportscaster guys who like to say “Come on, man!” and makes me think of things that are getting old and stale. “Usual” means sterility, and life is not sterile, even though there are people who believe that “the usual” is the best option because in thinking of “the usual” we know that there is no change there, at all, and none willingly being brought to the table by anyone.

I get bored with “the usual,” and for a long time I was expected to be the “usual” type person who just settled into life once the kids were born. Nope. It was because of those three kids that I knew I had to change myself if it were that life would change for them. I will not say that life has always been a pain in the ass for them, but I can and will say that there are no other three kids on this planet who have seen and gone through what they have and who have been, in a short five years, been made almost fearless in the idea that they know who they are, and they are daring in that energy, daring in the thought that anyone will tell them that they are wrong for simply being who they are. They are not axe murderers, and they are not sicko pervs, and they are not kids who are not well behaved, not well mannered, not loving or giving. They are amazing kids, really, and while I know that any mother will say these things of her own kids, I have to say now that after I have watched them go through a lot of loss, a lot of heartache, a lot of watching me go at it verbally with their father (over the things that I chose to change in me, which did not prompt the same in him…meaning that his astro chart is true and right…) a lot of watching me cry over what their grandparents were not and still are not willing to see…a lot of bullshit, really….my three children are stellar. And there is not a person alive who will be able to tell me that I am wrong.

The things that they have seen changed them, made them more able to deal with things that their own father still cannot. The things that they have gone through caused them to be a lot more willing to see both sides of anything, to be able to discern what they can from things that are unclear to their young psyches. The things that these three kids have seen in this last set of five years is enough, in my opinion, to give reason for any kids to turn to drugs, sex, suicide, but they did not fail to those things. Sure, the thought has crossed their minds, I am sure, and there HAVE been times when I wanted to smack the piss outta the oldest (because prescription opiates ain’t no joke…but still, he is alive and well and knows what his pain is about…good boy…Mama is proud of you, boy), times when the girl should just have left her hair alone (because Mama knows what it is like to NOT get the attention that I needed, and if pink and blue hair is your way, then so be it, baby girl…I still Love you enough for my heart to explode), times when the little one should have been put on medication for anxiety over not knowing what would happen next (and yet, here you are, in all your 9-year old-ness, funny and still able to make your mother wonder about you and just exactly how intellectually superior you truly are…that’s my boy hahahahahahaaaa) – the three of them have all outgrown the stereotypes, have all made a mockery of what they typically should have done, but didn’t.

It all happened this way, I believe, because they learned very early on that they cannot change their dad, but that I am more prone to change when it comes to their emotional security (they know I give a damn about it). They have always known that there is not a lot that I will not do for them, because of them, by them, and that, no matter what, the changes that I have willingly made had them and their very emotional health and stability in mind and at heart. They have always known that no matter what, and no matter what happens to me, that I have always made them the center of my attention. There is nothing in the world that can change that. Not one person will ever make me angry with them enough for me to forget who I am to them and what it is that they need from me.

You cannot change other people, ever, so don’t even try to

At this very moment, I am suffering a crushing blow, to my pride, my ego, and my level of who I truly am. The things that I would not put up with I am suddenly putting up with because of these three kids. And really, it is nothing to the person who is doing the crushing, nothing to them that this is really, truly and terrible pain that I, apparently, have to go through. It is not enough that I have suffered much for this person to understand what, exactly, this does to me, and I doubt that their little time in the fray is doing anything to them, because apparently this is meant, and I have to, again, suffer such an indignity.

Yet, in it all, I know that there is really not a lot I can do about it. I cannot change this person, at all, and they are going to do whatever it is that they can to make me know that no matter what, that which I have already been through with them is apparently not enough, and again, I have to suffer, and this time, it is real. This time it cuts me to the bones, the very ones where my soul is. This time, it is the madness and the suffering that I have already done enough of, that no matter what I am told, it still will hurt, because of the actions that have been already taken in the past.

It is times like these that make me wishful for better, wishful for things that I am deserving of, because this is not one of them. The idea that I am not enough for this one thing just creates in me the things that I have worked so hard to not have to deal with, and the issue is not anything other than that I cannot change them, and on my end, I cannot change further for them, for their benefit, and I am not going to even try to. I am expected to just be okay, but I am sitting here, right now, tears rolling down my face because again, I am expected to just accept what is there and in front of me.

Some things, I cannot change, and at this time, the one thing that apparently I am not good enough for is the idea that my heart has been broken to the point where I am not sure that I want to try anything at all, anymore.

But still…

I Love You all

Rox

 


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