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A shitload goinʻ on….

I gotta tell the world a few things….I wrote this….feel free to share it

Chick Wisdom

It is my only daughterʻs birthday.

She is 21.

She is who I champion these causes for the very most….her, and all of the other daughters of the world even the ones who canʻt get past their own self-deception.

Rather than go on and on about what we already know is happening in this world today, I will, instead, implore you all to care. 

Remember that?

That thing, that energy called caring where the caring came from you and was given to others?

Remember how much you cared about other people and for one reason or another, you have chosen to not to anymore, and the way that any one of us has allowed it to happen is simply just letting things go.

And when you are one who practices the things that I practice, letting go does not mean to let go, with wild abandon, those things, people, etc…

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You donʻt see it (even though itʻs in your face)


We believe what we are told, rather than who we are for real.

“In your face” means lots of things, not always something or someone is “in your face” the way we have been taught it means.

Sometimes, what is the truth, what is New is literally IN YOUR FACE…in your expressions and the way that you grimace or smile or talk without saying  word. Iʻm wordy, but, I Am one who talks elegantly without muttering a sound…itʻs called Hula…

You might have thought I was talking about American Sign Language or maybe some other way …but…nope – Hula. 

I speak Dance fluently.

And I do so without saying one damned word.

Lots of people do. Itʻs a thing with us Maolis….


As a species, the human race has chosen, for as long as we all have been taught and told to, that there is always someone better than we are, at anything. This is the truth except for one time in our lives…that time is when we are being who we are for real.

Being who we are for real is not easy, and there are people in our lives who love us for being who we are for real and right now OR, they will be upset that we are not who we used to be, because maybe who we used to be was way more accommodating than we are now. We listen to everyone elseʻs opinion of who we are, and the part that confuses all of us is that we know we have been working on who we are, but it feels like no one else but our closest people know this, too.

I have this problem.

I do.

My closest people are constantly telling me about what they see in me,  that I Am the best me they have ever known, and sometimes, they even tell  me the things that make this true because I MAKE IT TRUE.

Yet, and ridiculously so….the person who is not believing it is always ME.

I am sure that to an extent, this irritates them, because there are times that I can recall my telling them, without straight up telling them, that I did not believe them, that what they see in me is pretend and that I am just wearing that Leo Rising for the benefit of the world, when really, it benefits no one but me.

But for me to benefit from any goodness within me, I have to believe it exists. I have to believe that as much as the bad things are there and in my face, so are the good things.

When you have been told who you are and what you are all of your life, by people who likely donʻt spend a lot of time with you anymore, and theirs is the only opinion that you think matters, things start to get really difficult. It happens this way because for all of our lives, we have been trained via repetition. This repetition becomes the ongoing recording in our heads that plays through our memories and keeps us controlled by the past.

The voice that is there is our own, even though always, it was someone else…someone parental or in an authority position with us whose voice it was initially. That voice is why lots of therapist types, lots of coaches, talk about that person called “The Child Within.” 

The Child Within is that part of us each that literally lives in the past, in our thoughts and memories and is completely not aware that the person who is us is lots older now and that person has had experiences that make that under or even undeveloped part of our Selves feel like we are bad, or that we have nothing to give, or that what we are experiencing is (tangibly) not our fault. It is the part of us which feels every single failure, that does not tell us that it is the person who fails all the time who becomes the master of his or her own life, and that does not come without some sort of doing, on our part, to parent that memory towards evolving itself and in the manner that we do not have any clue of how to do.

Think this way – if you have kids, when you first heard the kid cry, the world was no longer all about you. When we are talking about the Child Within we are also talking about that part of us who taught us how to be actual parents in the way that we did not have our own parents be with us.

I say it all the time….in my own memories, the presiding and ever-present energy was control, was being told who I was and never being allowed to make mistakes on my own. This was not me – this was my parents not being very sure of themselves in bringing me into this world and not wanting to have to deal with those voices in their own heads telling them that the way to raise a kid is how you were raised.

I went through that but not for very long at all. Jeremy was not me. I was not, am not, my mother.

It did not take me long after that to also do the thing that not all of us sees us doing – I became the mother, the parent that I did not have, and in knowing that my kidsʻ father had  really ugly childhood, I became a single mom, even with his presence in their lives for as long as we could all stomach his bullshit….and even and all the way to that point, I was and am the mom and the parent that I did not have.

What that did for me, is still doing for me and what sometimes I do not see there because it is totally in my face, is that this is the very truth of me. I became the parent(s) who I did not have, and in kind, I have these kids who even though they experience failure, they do not experience it as the ugly feelings about who they are and no way do they believe that I will judge them for being human.

They are aware of who they are, how they got to be who they are to this point and most of all, the voice in their head that is the recording of whatever is their shortcomings, is not my voice, are not their words but that of their fatherʻs, perhaps my fatherʻs, too, and very surely their auntʻs, who is my parentsʻ other…daughter…sort of….

Needless to say, based on the way they handle emotional things, I have done very well, namely with my younger two….they had less time with their father.

Big kid is getting there, and will get there when he is ready and not when anyone else expects for him to….not even, and especially ME.


I taught them that the past no longer exists, that the version of them in the past is gone and is like all the people who have gone on before them….gone….

The Past

The past seems like a lot of fun, and it might have outwardly been that way for a lot of us but the truth is that even if we wanted to, we cannot live there – it does not exist. If we choose to put all of who we are right now on the person who we used to be, we are going to have to keep going through what we have been through that tends to keep us thinking that we are not good enough for the life that we want.

The reality is that all of us knows better.

We all know the truths of things, and we all know that who we used to be is no longer here and the actuality of it is that we were lots more comfortable then, because we were masterful at being ourselves.

Here we each and all are now and trying to create our new lives with our old ways. Our old ways of doing things worked when we were our former selves. Our former selves who were brought into this world to be those people at the times that we were those people have come and gone and we have, hopefully, learned from it all. If we have not, then we are, whether we like it or not or want it that way or not, put through the same things over and over again. By this I mean that we wake up everyday with one thing that seems to haunt us forever, as though what we want is so out of reach that nothing we do will work…and the worst part is that we believe that we are not worthy for those things, people or the life that we see there.

And ALL OF US shudder when we think about the work on ourselves that is involved with all of this.

It hurts to think that we are not all the shit on a stick we have bullshitted ourselves in to believing that we are. We end up going with our habit of downplaying our strengths, focusing on our weaknesses, and inviting the pattern of our own behavior to stay in the driverʻs seat, not even thinking that because we believe the old stuff, that somehow we are at fault.

This causes us to believe that we are not ever going to get out of the spiral of behavior, which is really what happens – based on our past successes, we go with what worked when we were someone else and at another time in life when who and what we were and what we thought of ourselves was right – those situations, people and life lessons needed that version of ourselves so that we would be able to navigate it all. Some of us thought we had it neatly under our control when in fact we were just following the energy that we needed to so that, in that energy, and in all of those things that happened, we would be able to learn and grow into who we were needing to become so that we could handle all of it.

Some of all of it was great and it all felt really good and we were in that thought that we would be the badasses we were at that time ….and therein lies the whole ball of wax – who we were at those times was who we needed to be and who we created ourselves as being.

Thing is….we do not stay that way.

Life gives us everything that we can handle.

It is our egos that tell us that we have nothing left to give, or, that if someone else does not want us in their lives, that there is a flaw with us when in reality, we are not giving those other people the same energy that we expect to get from anyone, and believe it when I state that no matter how lovely anyone elseʻs lives might appear, internally they may be going through the very same kinds of things but in another area of life.

We are who direct it all.

We are the main character in our own lifeʻs story.

No one thinks this way because we have not ever been told this, and because throughout the time in our childhood that we were being TOLD who we OUGHT TO BE in accordance to and with the script that anyone else, usually our parents when we are children, creates for us, we are not able to think those thoughts.

No child is.

Not even the brainiac kids – they are kids, and they will be kids, even with their high IQs. Yeah I blame the parents.

I am one of those…parent people, and I know, because I have done it myself, that there is a lot of value for them if we listen to them, as this allows them to also listen to themselves.

I listened to what my parents wanted for me, and ended up with the wrongest man on the planet as my kidsʻ father. Little did I think at those times when I was getting my ass kicked and when it hurt so badly to be that me that what I was learning, versus whatever it was that anyone was bringing to me (and told me that they were “going to teach me a lesson” that I would not forget…and they were right – I canʻt forget how they blamed me for what happened to me…the only time that I am responsible is when I am not holding myself accountable for my NOT righting things for me after the fact…keep reading…) which were two different things completely.

The horrific part about us and this one fact about us is that because we have been raised to pay attention to what can hurt us, BUT we have no idea what we can do that will only hurt temporarily, and will hurt because there are truths about who we are and who we have become that we know not a thing about, that we cannot accept, whether good or bad, because we were not taught to and more importantly, we think we cannot change because we have no clue of how to fix who we are.

The reason why we do not know how to fix who we are is because we are truly NOT who we ARENʻT….you may have to read that twice. If you need a way to make it easier to think about….

You are this particular broken person, because who you no longer are cannot fix The  New You. And you are Creating your life from the rubble. Artists do it all the time…they are called mosaics.

While it might seem that this New You is somehow more broken than the old you, that is only because you cannot see what is so apparent and there in your face – It Is A New You.

The New You scares the shit out of you, with good reason – it is worried that the old you is going to talk shit, and sometimes, the old you does. This is because the old you does not want to die, but, what the old you does not realize is that it really does not exist anywhere any longer than right there in the head of the New You.

This means that no matter what in the holy fuck you want to believe, the old you is GONE.

The New You is trying to make you see that You need to work on You and that trying to relive how the old you did and even THROUGH the old you is pissing off The New You.

What this means is that everything that bothered the old you no longer exists either, because that person is not here – only the New You is. That means that what might look like a huge mess, and may truly even be that, is not for the old you to try to figure out – that is the responsibility of the New You. The New You looks at You in the mirror and sees an older version of the old you.

And…the old you canʻt hang, I promise. It can only hang on. It does not want to accept that it is gone, and in its place is the opportunity to let The New You shine through, if only the old you would stop getting in the way.

The New You is as terrified, by the way, of becoming All You Really Are, and the old you knows this, too, and that is why that fucker hangs on. It might feel like the best version of you, but, you have not even bothered to see and know and believe and even (oh my fucking gawd ….fuck no way…) that it is way WAY better than the old egotistical (read: arrogant, ignorant and no way as fucking smart as The New You Is) you who really is not even as smart as The New You Is. The New You, I PROMISE is AS SCARED IF NOT MORE, and the old you does not want to die, all for the thing that already exists, which is The New You, that the old you keeps on trying to hurt.

The New You drew all the people who are there now, and even if they are not physically there, The New You KNOWS this is the truth, but the old you? The old you wants to think that no one gives a shit, wants you to believe that you ainʻt at all what you wanted to be at this point, so why not let the old you win…meaning that everyone else does, too, meaning that the things that you know are not the truth suddenly and quickly become that truth….and then the old you gets mad because The New You is more mad at the thought that the old you has been bullying The New You.

The only thing that the old you does is try to hide or blur all the mirrors that reflect The New You. It is up to The New You to decide when to look at the mirror and ponder what You see, and it is no longer even connected with the old you in terms of what The New You cannot see but that is, by right of all of the reflections in the mirrors not hanging on any wall….mirrors on the wall being looked at first is an old you thing.

The New You needs feedback that tells You that You are okay, that you hurt, but that you got this far and you are not done yet. The New You is tired, but that is because everything is New, like The New You.

After a life time of listening to what the old you thought was kick ass, it is not easy to listen to anyone who is New….including and especially The New You.

The New You does not see there what is there, by right of the bullshit that You now as this New You will not ever tolerate. The New You canʻt deal with trifling energies that have not a thing to do with Life now as it is, but not as you know,as The New You knows, that it has to be created. Your old life does not fit The New You. The New You is way too big in the Soul ….this scares the shit out of the old you that no longer exists.

The only thing that exists is Love.

In order for there to be Creation, on any level, there must be Love.

The New You is now here because You loved the old you enough to want to see what The New You is capable of….

…so do I.

So should You. So should WE ALL.

Let The New You choose to Believe that what scares you is NOT what you think you are NOT, but, That which You KNOW YOU ARE….

Hahahahaa…I told you -You would have to reread it…think about it


#LosAngelesKahunaRox #TheNewYou #KULEANA #ForgiveYOU #Mirrors #Reflection #Love #LiveALOHA #TheRockin9th #TheCottellWitches #TheManaOBlog

Click here to support The New You….even if I gotta be who teaches You how to get there….

Bravely, Stand in The Light that is The Truth…


“…Iʻm gonna live my life from day to night with no hesitation…make the best of every situation I find myself placed in…Deciding right from wrong, choosing my final destination, ʻcause when itʻs said and done itʻs just yourself that youʻre facing…”

(Kottonmouth Kings Tangerine Sky)

So….there were a few things that I had to …get through…this week, and for a few more weeks I am certain, I am going to have many, many more….things…to get through.

Since I would rather not push those things or issues aside, I Am also sure that, over the course of the next weeks and months, everything that we have been really, really, truly focused on is going to come into our lives. And when I tell each of you reading this that you ought to think positively because we have this Jupiter thing that is GOING TO TAKE US TO THOSE PLACES WE HAVE MOST WANTED TO BE in our lives so please, when I say we each have (self healing) work to do (And I AM SO TALKING TO EVERY ONE OF US ON THIS PLANET) on our very tired selves – I MEAN EXACTLY THAT !!!!

And yeah…whether we like it or not, every single damned one of us has to deal with one or more…things…that we would rather not. In my specific case, there is a whole LOT that I have already faced, gone through, dealt with and am still emotionally dealing with even as I write this.

Yet, write this I must because I can no longer settle for less than being very clear with myself, with those closest to me, and with what I have to say to the world.

Hopefully the world will at least think I am nuts, or maybe it might think that I Am right when I state that if you think you have gone through everything that you have gone through over the course of the last ten years was for nothing, I am asking you to right now please stop that shit. You cannot have imagined what you have gone through and neither could you have possibly thought that when you asked for change, that the way that change is coming into your life is what you wanted…but I promise you that it was and is what you need. When you think of all the things that you have been through, you have to be amazed at the idea that all this time you thought things that were not the truth, knowing in the Bones of Your Soul the actual Truth and because of it, you are here.

This is called The Truth and this is part of The Truth that does not suck very much because there is the other permeating Truth that is thick in the air, the energies surrounding it and all of us, like the dirty haze of the Los Angeles Skyline on a sunny Los Angeles day. It makes the air thick and heavy and it is hard for us to take a breath, let alone breathe like normal people breathe. Yet, even with all of that known, we know we still have to breathe, even in the thick of things…

…and in the thick of things, letʻs face it, for a lot of us, still…

Right now sucks.

Right now would not have happened if I chose to go to the store with my kids. I could have left but did not – because I have too many things that I am thinking about right now, and too much has happened for me to be the version of me I was just this past October when the shit that hit the fans seemed to hit other fans and ended up everywhere. It was like everything that I said or did turned into a something akin to a steaming, impressively large and tightly coiled pile of dog shit.

…and of course, somewhere inside of that impressively large pile of dog shit is Grandmaʻs engagement ring and now we have to dive into the shit to recapture that diamond….

It sucks.

I know.

What else I know is that what you read next will suck way more, and for no reason other than that, once you put it all together and really look at everything as an entire piece – you begin to see the pattern, begin to see the things there that too many people would rather not – that thing called the Truth.

You are supposed to lose everything that you believed had worth, held monetary value to you, that you loved for whatever reason you loved it all for – I get it…been there, done that and still going through that shit, too.

I Am talking to my damned self too….because really, when we are talking about the things that we cannot or…actually do not want to look at, it is truly that our apprehension is about our own selves more than it is (or therefore can be) about anyone else.

No, this is not meant for any one person in particular, and if I must point out anyone, then I Am mainly speaking from my own point of view, from my own…sense of Self…. and from my own point of view we each and all need to look at what has been presented to us all and wonder what it is that we are actually looking at, wonder what it is that anyone else sees there? Because truly, everyday, and for the last …year…the thing that I have come to know about, more than anything else, is that the person referred to as “I” or “Me” or “Myself”….all these people who we each and all talk to, everyday…this is who we are facing.

Every fucking day, and every fucking day we each and all ask ourselves, the selves that look back at us and remind us of who we are not when in reality, we need to be reminded of who we are and of everything that we are made of.

I will remind us all, right now….Who We Are is nothing short of Magnificent, and we are made of the Heavens….which makes us nothing less than the truly Cosmic Beings that we each and all are born as….think about that and let it sink in and do not fear what you want to believe is meant to harm you.

Change is not going to harm you

Not changing will.…and thatʻs totally a thing that no one thinks about…that we have to change, not so that we can be controlled by someone else but, because who we used to be is not able, nor enough, to fill the void created by what we think is loss. It is in the losses that no one tells us, reminds us that we are the first thing to fill the void…we fill the void with Love, for ourselves, first.

When the love for ourselves is when others will also see that much -when we are worth our own time, heart and soul is when we will be that to anyone else…no matter what and no matter what the hell it is that you want to believe. Once it is that you know what is, and what is not, actual Love, you wonʻt ever settle for whatever sufficed in the past as that energy for you. There are plenty of us right now who are experiencing this right now and I want you guys all to know that for real…you donʻt gotta worry about a whole lot right now because the very all of us is going through something just like this that has to do only with one person – our very selves, and about how we are perceived through our own eyes. There is no one else on this planet who loves you like you do, and on the other side of that, is no one else who will beat the shit out of you and that will use against you every tiny little flaw that you think is there and is not there…

I promise – I know this one, too….personally even….yeah…keep reading…

We have accomplished much…even if it doesnʻt feel that way

We have accomplished much, the very All of Us, and in that time we have come to know what our own perception of anything else by anyone else of who we are, is. Sometimes, we are more inclined to believe what we do not like to be the only truth, than we are to believe what it is that we long to hear and which is also the truth, to know, to feel, to Be.

We want to Be Loved, and this is because we ARE Love…and I bet that no one ever thought of it that way. We are, for others, the very Epitome of what certain kind of Love looks like and when we know that it is the Truth, we can also see it no other way.

This is what I am finding out about myself – that I can see Love in no other way other than my own, and this is not only pertinent to me but to us all.


That is not about any one thing in particular, but, at the same time, is about the only thing that matters and at least we know that there are others on this planet like us whose motivations are but to Love, to Be Love, to Have Love and to Know Love, so that when one is brimming with it, it shows.

It cannot, however, show itself if we are not, ourselves, willing to Love every part of who we are as Beings.

Even the shitty, ugliest parts of ourselves…when I say ALL, I mean ALL…

That is a very scary thing to do, because when that happens, suddenly, we realize that maybe we have been paying attention to the things that we judge as bad about ourselves, that we know it would feel pretty darned cool if someone would just …get it…in terms of the things that scare us, that make us want to reveal what we are afraid to and afraid of, but at the same time, too afraid that if we do that, we will end up, one more time, feeling like we did all of that being afraid for nothing.

That is not the truth. Ever.

The hardest thing to do is to Love Your Self when it is that you believe that no one on this planet will, can, or wants to Love you. The hardest thing in the world to do is to trust people when all of your life, you did that, and by right of the hand of the Goddess calling them home because their work on this plane is seen to, or, by fate, or gossip, or believing things that donʻt make sense – they bail on us (or at least that is how it feels)…and we donʻt know why they donʻt make sense…the hardest thing, I know, is to believe the good things that other people have to say about you, to you. It is hard to hear it because you canʻt believe it.

You want to believe it, but, you canʻt, because you have that thing called a memory, and that son of a bitch likes to mess with us, all the time, makes us want to compare ourselves now to the person we were years ago, to a time that doesnʻt exist anywhere else than in the memories.

And if you can think that far back, it is a blessing and a curse, because you can recall those times fondly.

I can, too, but, the thing that no one thinks about regarding those times is that there were shitty things that happened, and shitty people who came into our lives, and we were, at those times, too, going through one or eighty things that hurt, that made us have to shift in our Being somehow, that sucked, that made us feel like everything we did and tried to do failed…kind of like a whole lot of us are feeling right now.

I get it.

I promise I get it – I lost my entire life too, it seemed at the time, but, nothing that is broken or feels broken is going to stay that way. In fact it probably feels broken at this point because something else has happened. It feels broken because for many of us, it seems the parts donʻt fit, and for some of us, it feels like our lives are clunking around in this vast void, this hugeness of nothing and space and silence that we have no idea what we are supposed to do with, like extra pieces that are clunking around in the box ….

…I think I have at least one idea….

Duh….You Become Abundant and FILL THE VOID…

Oh man I can hear your brains churning. And some of you are getting mad because I used that word abundant. 

That word makes a lot of people cringe because too many people equate that word with money. Money is only one end result of thinking abundantly. There are more ways to be abundant than just monetarily. That is the thing that has been and is crippling all of us, all at one time, and for the very life of us, we are not sure what is the truth.

I will tell you the truth – you are worth far more than anything contained in the material world. No matter who wants you to think another way about you and this includes you – you are magnificent, you are here on purpose, and without you, lots of things would not happen, would not have happened and no one would have been there to see it happen. Not only that, there were times in your own life when the choices that you made at those times were the right ones, because everyone who you loved and cared about were loved and cared for and likely, those same people are still being loved at the tiniest little least.

The thing that you are not thinking about, while you are looking at things that have not a thing to do with you, is that – again…you are here on purpose. IF you were not, then you would not be breathing. You may not know what that purpose is, but know that as you live, love and breathe, that your purpose might include that you are here to work, to struggle, even if for a moment, because the thing that is coming next is the thing that will fill the void.

This is just how the Universe works, and you, whether you want to believe me or not, are the one who has the grand opportunity to fill that void with whatever it is that you want to…

…and when you do, make certain NOT only that it is done with love, but that whatever is there is filled with something that YOU Love….

Really, that is where it all starts, where the healing begins, and where the past no longer matters for anything more than a reference point.

A reference for what, you may be curious?

Well…only you know that…

That is the beautiful part -you get to choose what goes in the empty space….

Choose wisely, my friends…

#LosAngelesKahunaRox #TheRockin9th #TheManaOBlog #MainlandMetalMaolis #KaAhuPaAu #EmpowermentCoachingWithRevRox2

Patience and Trust…


Words are powerful, namely the words “Patience” and “Trust”

“…I kept telling myself to have patience and trust…”

(Jordan- Student)

Iʻm not a real…biblical…chick, by any means.

Of course I will take from that work of writing the snippets of wisdom that ALL books thought to be Holy have contained within them. To me, it is just a textbook for learning through stories and myths, much like all the other Holy texts…there is wisdom in all written works. You just have to have a clue, an open mind, and sometimes having a dictionary handy is a good thing.

I have several.

Clues and Dictionaries.

So get a clue, humans – We are actually #OneMind.

Accept it.

Call it whatever you want to call it…we are part, all of us, a bigger consciousness…we are, each of us, loaning to this larger consciousness of energy.

In this case, and for a few days now, it has been the one that I have heard throughout the course of my lifetime and still ring true to this day…pretty much, it is that we cannot, as these people at our ages (35+) discount anything that comes out of the mouths (or are contained in the texts and chats that are exchanged between us..namely when I am your Life Coach and namely when you are learning about yourself…) of the people who are younger than we are.

Pretty much, outta the mouths of the kids in our lives comes the truths, and sometimes, they are truths that hurt but other times, theyʻre truths that we really need to remember, mostly about ourselves. There is no one who does not know me who also does not know that I am horribly impatient with myself. I have a WHOLE LOT of patience when it comes to other people, but when it is me – I am a tyrant.

Patience and Trust

It was not the way that this person posted it in our coaching session, but that it came at the time that I saw 2:22 ….it happens …and it happens a LOT.

I am certain that I needed to see that at the same time that those words came into my awareness. I was busily coaching this person and there they were – his words, and that number.

Of course, you know I had to tell The Gator …. she is who reminds me to “mind my numbers,” or she used to when she and I started studying The Weirdness about 15 years ago.

She was also the very one who, to this day, reminds me, just like young Mr. Hinton reminded me, almost like their energies at that moment were meant for those numbers and those words, that we cannot ever depend on those energies to get to us in the same manner every time – sometimes, they come through channels we do not expect. This time, it was a coaching client and a fellow student…and not far behind was my very close, close friend, Rev. Vel-Danielle.

A comma is what changes it all…the meaning, the energy…all of it.

And like commas, when people come into our lives it is not without purpose, not without meaning and not without the Love of the Goddess propelling us forward. They are like the grammatical markers in the sentences we form that metaphorically can be called “so like life.” My work in this world, in this lifetime and in this body depend on the written, the spoken, the Spelled word, and involves a depth of understanding and more, a depth of that thing that is Universal and needed in this world….that thing called Aloha.

Have patience and trust…

They were just words…haha…like they are just words to me, of all people, right?

I know that the inherent power of words is real. They are what Magickal Women create our lives with, and are the things that have the very power to change someone elseʻs thoughts about who they are, have the power to build and to destroy, to cut and to soothe.

So, when this young coaching client of mine stated what he stated, at the time of day that that came and when my best pal Gator suddenly appeared online and out of nowhere, I paid some serious attention to it.

Patience, we are told, is a virtue, and we all have our own thoughts, our own interpretation of just the word “patience.” All of us has heard, from a very young age, from time to time and in some peoplesʻ cases, lots more than others to have patience. We are told that it is good to have it, to exercise it and to preach it silently through how we handle things that overwhelm us.

We are also told about our impatience, more than we are about our patience, and we are told a whole lot that we have to stop being impatient about things on this plane of awareness, but, we are not told how to cultivate patience. We are rarely shown it by the very people who seem to demand it out of us. When we are impatient and people call us on it, for folks my age, it makes us feel like we are little kids, and as though the thing that we are asking about, at least in my own case, is the thing that we have, at least in our minds, been being patient about.

Our level of patience is not going to be the very same level that will be anyone elseʻs. We cannot expect others to empathize with us all the time – not all humans are like we are. You and I might have the patience of Job, but others might have the patience of …a can of Pillsbury biscuits in a can and feeling completely under the pressures of life, wanting to be released from them but growing more and more frustrated at the idea that no matter how patient we think we are, we are not being that at all.

Patience, and the having of it, is not measured on the days on a calendar, and is not measured by how many hours that turn into the days and nights and weeks and months that pass us by, that seem to fruition not a whole lot more than more frustration, and all for the idea that maybe we will, if we are impatient, manipulate the energies to favor us through that energy.

It never works that way.

I know this personally.

Then there is Trust, and it is not a secret that there are very few people who I trust and all of those people who I trust totally know who they are.

And no, I do not trust everyone I encounter, and just about everyone who I encounter, for all of my life to this point,if they are new to me… unless you are one of those trusted people…they make me put my guard up. In chat, text, emails, ANY communication – I am guarded.

I trust myself in that guarded energy, safe in it.

I know who I can trust and who I cannot trust.

I know, too, who trusts me.

The guardedness is because I have seen much, experienced much, been told much, have heard much, have felt much, endured much and most of it was due to the things that happened at those times that I let my guard down. I have been told my whole life to have trust, but the things that I experienced and the things that people, while I was growing up.

So, when I see or think of the words “have patience and trust,” I see there that I am being told that I ought to have both patience and trust that all will be okay, that those two things are what are needed by me to have and to know about and most of all, to give both of those things to the people who I Love the very most, and they all know who they are.

Then there is the other way, the one that includes a grammatical marker – that thing that drives a lot of us crazy…called a comma.

In that case, it would look like this – “Have patience, and trust,” and yes the difference is the comma, because in this instance, it changes the word “trust” from a noun to a verb, meaning that it is wise to have patience, and learn to trust the Universe will do what She is supposed to do for us, with us..but first we have to make our ridiculous egos behave themselves.

Our ridiculous Egos…

My ridiculous ego tells me that I have to be afraid of what other people think of me, that I have to fear being abandoned by those who I love the most, that I have to prove who I am to anyone else and that when others do not wanna be around me that it must be something that I said or that I did that makes me feel like I somehow fucked up just being myself.

Yes, I am a possessed of a very strong personality. Yes, I tend to say whatever is on my mind. Yes, of course I know that it is going to take me some time and patience and trust in myself to be able to correct those things. I cannot stop being these ways forever, but, I can trust myself to stop from saying anything…shitty…just because I am very good at it, typically at the very most inopportune times (for real) (ask anyone hahaa).

I can trust myself to love others in a Cosmic and Universal kind of way, across long distances, and even while right now it feels like my life and my loved onesʻ lives are stuck in this vortex that also seems stuck in a bucket of karmic dog shit, and not believe that they do not believe that this is what I have for them – Love.

And it is not the love that I give to one other person, neither is it the love that I give to my kids, nor that which I give to my tribe of like souls…

…but that which I give to myself. And really, that is the shitty part about us human beings – we forget about ourselves. We have this mixed message passed down to us by a generation of parents who lots of them vacated us in one way or another. Right now, we are all going right back through that pain, and we are, in every way possible, experiencing distance, separateness (only in the physical sense), what feels like abandonment and is actually the solitude that all souls need right now. Mine is not the only Soul that is weeping, the child within just tired and crying. It is me. I Am looking at this little girl who is the Me I have always been, but right now, I just “see” my Self there embracing this child and telling her that She is Love, and that She is needed, even for Her Self.

Still, She cried… because She knows that you cannot act out your pain. It has to be expressed, not impressed, nor emoted – expressed, in the Name, and on Your Own Behalf, in the Name of All that Is….because Trust, She knows, on the other side of it, where it does not exist, or, does not does tangibly need to exist.

It just Is.

You see, our levels of trust come from ourselves, as does our level of Love for others. We have to love ourselves. We have to have patience with ourselves and we have to know we are able to be fully that person who we, rather than only everyone else, will love. We have to trust that what we want to give to anyone else we can also give to ourselves. We have to be able to give to ourselves what we give to others and if we are not aware of what that is, then we do not have but a surface kind of love to give to anyone else, ever.

We can love the idea of someone, and we can idealize others, and we can make them be the thing that provides for the world the thing that we are, the each of us, which is nothing short of magnificent. In looking at only our damage, because that is what the world wants us to see only, we are not bothering to look at our brilliance. Without our brilliance we do not have the brightness of our own light giving to the world the truth of who we are and we are included in that truth. We have to see ourselves as worthy of our own love and have to reveal for the world our self worth and state it out loud, no matter how strange it seems to do ….we have to have patience with our own selves and we have to trust that we are good enough to make things happen purely and solely on the intention of simply being good to people.

We can say all day long that we are patient and that we trust others, but, that is not what I am saying here…actually asking….

You are patient with others, and you trust others, but are you this same way with your Self?

It is not something that we think about, not something that we are taught – we are just expected to learn this stuff. What we really need is guidance,

I see pain in others. I see their fear. There is not a lot that a photo can hide from me. I just have to see it once or twice. I read them. I know the hearts of people, just from those pictures. I have almost a radar for the Aloha that resides in others, a habit of introducing my good friends to people who I reach out to. It is because I see my people in these people.

And pain is not always what we think it is. We are told what kind, at least to the world, is the most important (there are a bazillion and one commercials for all kinds of issues that are not rooted in the body, but in the mind.) and we are told that whatever it is that bothers us in the soul is treated as an ailment and be prescribed a pill for it.

This is where we are.

This is what a whole lot of us do.

It has been years that I have sought the help of therapists, and years to accept WHAT happened, THAT it happened, to me, forever and ever whatever…most of all, I had to accept that whatever happened to me that others made happen was not my fault, and evidence of a faulty soul.

SO…here it is, folks – remember that you have patience with others, that you trust other people. That tells me that at one time in your lives, you trusted you, had patience with you, loved you as much as you love them. Since this is the truth, that we see ourselves in others, think about the reason why you Love who you Love. It Is Important that You Know Why You Love Them, because then you will also know that and more – why you Love You.

All that, from a phrase….took me all day to write this

Itʻs a lot, I know


MTV “Star” is (unwittingly)promoting Domestic Violence

MTV article DV

In a world that is currently unkind to women, the last thing a major television “star” needs to promote is more violence against women.

Go right ahead and state that I am blaming the victim.

I do not know how to say it another way than that when it happens this way, and the victim has a history of being with abusers (by her own account, even) it is less blaming the victim than it is …I guess….momming them….and if you wanna call me someone who does not “get it” in terms of this crap…thatʻs on you, not me. From the things that I have been told, and the way that people want us to be nice to victims..that is one thing but, to do it and after having seen it publicly stated???

It is not blaming as much as it is thinking that this is wrong, that MTV needs to rethink its lineup and that more than much else…Hey JENELLE….the WORLD OF YOUNG WOMEN ARE WATCHING YOU…ARE YOU AWARE OF THE THING THAT YOU HAVE ALLOWED???/

Not likely….awareness is CHOSEN….and you HAVE TO accept whatever is in your own as being the thing that is teaching you how NOT to be victimized. No one can tell me that we have all done this for the reason that this child did. Of course I do not know what it is that compelled her to let a violent man back into the home where babies live but, nevermind that, right?

Never mind that I have actually SURVIVED IT and NOT ONE PERSON…not my therapists, not my doctors, not my friends, no one I knew…NONE OF THEM WERE ALLOWED TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME – I would not let them. I needed to be empowered, and the last thing that I wanted was for ANYONE in my TINY little world to know what John had done to me….

I see that times have changed some, and that, I suppose, the idea that she is somehow “famous” is the reason why. … or at least that that is what I have been told is my motivation – jealousy…over her being on television….

Nah…what I am is actually stunned and ….yeah…pissed. Mrs. Evans has a duty to the public, and she did the opposite in letting him into that house and back into their lives.

I am guessing that this young woman named Jenelle Evans has no idea that making excuses for her husband, David Evans, in terms of his recent DV charge against her, with her first calling 911 on him, citing that he had broken her collar bone, is condoning and even promoting violence against women. 

I am certain that there are a lot of fans of MTVʻs series Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. I cannot say more about it other than that from the get go, when Teen Mom was first a show, that it was already something that any mom with daughters would NOT want those daughters to see – a television show condoning teen pregnancy.

And no matter who says what regarding the whole idea that that is not what this show promotes, I will ask those producers of that show if they have ever been to Pomona, California, where, to my great dismay and when my oldest was a student at Ganesha High School, on every high school campus, just about and within the PUSD – there are daycare centers.

Yeah I know….it is a great thing to make sure that the teen moms who attend those schools have the best shot at graduating. And yeah – I know….there is nothing that is going to stop teens from getting pregnant and believe me when I state that there are some young women who, while in middle school, intend on becoming pregnant because of the saddest reasons of all….because it is culturally expected of them, or, the sadder thing, that they do not feel like anyone loves them, and if they have their own baby, at least the baby will depend on them, which in some young peoplesʻ heads equates to love.

….and yeah…I am well aware of the idea that people who havenʻt got a whole lot of life experience to fall back on in terms of what happens when we feel like no one loves us, that those people will do what they can in order to feel like they are being loved…by anyone.

This is the sadness.

This is the black eye.

This is how it all starts, that thing that no one wants to know about, even though it is in our faces at all times, and we are being prompted to just ignore it….the young Mrs. Evans is telling the world, through the things that she is stating after the fact, that domestic violence is acceptable.

No it is not.

Hey – MTV – you need to do something about this and I do not mean allow that kid Jenelle to promote it more….because through her you are promoting Domestic Violence…

In an article about Janelle Evansʻ husband, people are upset for, of all things, his wrapping himself in a confederate flag and being very proud of his southern roots. While I have issues, at times, with how things ended up in the south during the times of slavery, and while I get it on a level that is “Yeah…I was born brown and female,” what I do not get is that there is not a whole lot, at least to my knowledge, regarding anyone thinking that the bigger issue is NOT the fact that the guy was proudly wearing what he regards as his heritage, but more, the idea that the young lady was making excuses for his behavior. 

Understand now that I will not ever fault anyone who is promoting their own pride in the heritage into which they were born, no matter how ugly the past was – we cannot continue to carry on those hatreds from the past, even though that is what is happening now and at this time in our lives.

We are experiencing violence on the daily basis, and as someone who is self-employed in the alternative healing trade, as someone who is, herself, still recovering from the last almost three decades of my life that my daughter and I had to end, ourselves, by taking legal action against her father – I am absolutely not just disappointed in MTV for the way that they promote teen pregnancy, but now, without realizing it (or maybe they DO realize it…ratings are everything, folks….and violence is apparently not only acceptable in some demographics, but is marketable…. please, keep reading)  they are also (perhaps unwittingly) promoting, through this…”couple”…. #IPV, which is the other term for #DV… 

Intimate Partner Violence IS Domestic Violence

I am pretty sure that I did not need to explain that one – we love making things sound more technical in this country – and who can blame us, given our current guy in office?

Unless you have been living under a fuckinʻ rock lately, or, worse – unless you believe that some women deserve to be physically harmed, #IntimatePartnerViolence is a BIG BIG problem, not only in your neighborhood, neither your bigger community, the city that you live in, the state, country, continent you call home – you know that IPV is also known as Domestic Violence.

Dear Jenelle Evans….

Stop writing books, and please never ever tell the world, at any time in the future, unless you actually have gotten away from your abuser, please do the world a favor and STOP promoting yourself, because that is what you do not realize that you have said when you said that you have been with abusers in the past, and you are now with yet another one.

If anything, you are an expert on being a DV VICTIM, and baby girl, this world does not need one more abusive person taking advantage of a young woman whose own sense of self is somehow convoluted.

And believe it when I tell you that I am neither a fan yours, nor a “hater” as you stated online…I did not know who the hell you were until about an hour ago, when I was looking at the news stories online and happened upon your name.

I am so sorry, young lady, but you really have no idea what you have made acceptable to the millions of people who have been watching you do the other thing that no one should, in this day and age, and AT YOUR AGE, be doing…which is having an excuse for being pregnant, given that you were adult enough to make the choice to sleep with your kidʻs dad – yet, not wise enough to cover your little, fertile ass from bringing into this world another child born into violence.

It is called birth control, sweetcakes, and you are from the south, meaning that you are likely NOT Catholic, and do not give me this shit about “southern values” because what I am trying to get across to another motherʻs daughter is about valuing your damned self. From your comments, you do not even KNOW what that means, to value, love and empower your very self.

And no way, I will repeat, are you an expert in domestic violence, because to be that, you have to no longer be there with any abuser, not even if he is your baby daddy.

That is not good enough – any human male can help bring a child into this world, but, it takes an actual good human being who is balanced, which you are not, to be a good parent and sweetheart because you have made excuses for this person …and it will not be the last time that you will do that (I asked a few young people your age what the hell is the draw with that dude, and it turns out that he is apparently good looking – whatever….I cannot see it, because I read the article first, and the only thing that I see in your old man is that he is arrogant, abusive, and an idiot – and it has not one thing to do with his pride in his origins – EVERYONE ought to be proud of that about themselves….keep reading….).

The only violence that any child ought to ever know about is the beautiful violence of bringing them into this world.

And I do NOT mean to do that PRIOR to your being able to vote and drink legally….

You, however, with your sorry excuses, have done just that and unless and until we, the older moms of this planet who have raised women your age – some of them getting pregnant by abusers, themselves, and allowed to make the statements that we make – you are not the “star” that you think you are, that others believe you to be, but instead are a victim making a network richer and richer.

We, the moms of the world of a certain age, some of us have dealt with #DV for longer than you have been breathing, kiddo. Just because you are a mother, and just because you are married, it does not make you somehow wise beyond your years, especially not when you are considering yourself a “star” or a “public figure” who is in front of the rest of the world of young men and young women who are thinking to get knocked up for the sake of hopefully getting a spot on a globally televised program.

You have a HUGE responsibility, and one that you do not realize you have not bothered to think about, through the words stated that your relationship with your husband “is fine.”

No, young lady – it is not fine, namely when you have called upon the authorities in your specific locality to come and rescue you (and your kid) from your old man.

It is only my opinion of you, myself an actual survivor who DOES NOT place herself in the position that you have willingly placed yourself in, which is that place that tells your old man that it is okay to brutalize you, that you will excuse his sorry ass for every ugly thing that he is now GOING TO make you go through.

Again – in the article, it is stated by you that you have been with abusers in the past, and the sickening notion that hits me first is not you but your propensity towards attracting these sorts of BOYS to your life (I said it, so deal with it, cupcake) – but is instead the millions of watchers, most of whom are young women in middle school, high school and college who I worry the very most about.

The responsibility that you have, and, as well, the very opportunity that has been given to you, to make a statement that doesnʻt silently tell the world of young women that somehow, someone who is a fan of yours is GOING TO follow suit, because all they see is “how cute” your old man is…yeah…cute like rabid fucking animals in the wild.

That is who you are married to, and you can believe that it is because I am not white, or that I am a “libertard” or a “snow flake” and what have you, but the reality is that I am a woman who has actually survived Domestic Violence, and in the month of the year that we are meant to put awareness about #DomesticViolence and violence against women in the forefront of our collective consciousness, here you are, defending your abuser.

I have been there, myself, but, it was not my ex who I defended, but, my self in that I also hated having to save face, and I hated making it seem like somehow, I was being harmed.  I WAS being harmed, and he got away with it for years against my will, did everything that he could to stay where he was, which in his eyes, was squarely in control of me, my life, who I was, who I would become…and at least on “who I would become” he sort of did help because without his shittiness, I would not be here writing this and actually calling you out with the notion that you might actually have the balls to be an adult about things and tell the world that he hurt you, broke your bones, made it so that you would have to lie about who this person is that you chose to sire your kid.

And you married him, even. So now he thinks he owns you.

You know this – very well, in fact, just based on what you have told the world – that he did not hurt you, that it was a misunderstanding, and then you have the nerve to chastise the world…all because he harmed you….you realize you could be dead right now, right?

I have been there, and I have done that, and the only person who I was interested in making safe was MYSELF. I did not see this way about him, not until before my first kid was born, and my having no idea that this person was like this. I can say it honestly – I truly had no idea what it was like to have to deal with any abuser unless it was someone in my extended family. I am no longer in touch with damned nearly all of them but the ones who knew better…a few of my cousins knew better than to believe that I would have accepted this, and more than much else – some of my aunties had been there, too, and so had some of my cousins….because they also did not accept being someoneʻs victim.

When we do not know what it looks like, we do not know what it is and we end up being in that vortex of unknowing, our only knowledge being primal, being survival….this is what my experience has been, will always be. I did not enjoy it, did not ask for it, did not know how to get out of it but out of it I did  get….you, unfortunately, might not get out of it, at least not further harmed or worse….breathing. 

Wrap your head around that one for a moment if you will and realize that you are not safe at all and that you are the reason that you are not safe – you chose to cover his ass to PD, but, you chose to cover yours with your fans and haters by telling them NOTHING about yourself or if you are okay. You made excuses, and as a mom, my opinion is that you do NOT need to be on TV promoting self-slavery….


I said it

Deal with it, kid….you made an excuse for a man to be violent to you. You do not deserve to be on television…not even public access. You did not service to other young women who are currently trying to get out of the violence with their lives.

You made excuses. That is inexcusable.

I can say it, because I got out of it, for my own sake…let alone my kids.

Here I am, all these years later, and I am not with that abusive person anymore, but, in my head, the things that that idiot did to me, while they are no longer happening, the memories never leave a person.

No matter what…those things will not ever leave me.

They will also not leave you, I promise.

You are, young lady, promoting violence, promoting the idea that women ought to be subservient to their husbands, even when he is being violent, even when he breaks bones, and even, as in your case, when it is that you, specifically, are compelled to save face.

And whose face are you actually saving and why are you covering his actions against you?

I might not be “all the way” in terms of being over it, because no matter what anyone wants to think, one does not have to be in two or three abusive relationships to be an expert. In fact, if you have been in that many relationships and they were abusive ones, and you are now in another one and are married to this abuser, and you get your ass online to defend what the world knows is opposite of the initial call made to 911 – the call that you, young lady, yourself made and where you stated that you were injured – badly….not only have you NO right to state yourself as an expert, but you have no right, just because you have ability, to be bringing life into this world – your kids will grow up believing that abuse is acceptable, is normal, is something that happens to EVERYONE.

I never thought that way, ever, because I have NEVER been one who will make excuses for someone to harm me, and I will never believe that someone who holds the power that you do not know you have – I have never been the one to give someone else another chance to harm me, and this includes my sister who tried to do that to me.

This is what you girls have done. You have made being pregnant a way to get your sorry little ass on television. Sweetheart that is what school is for, and to throw away your young life to raise a child when you are not yet grown enough to take on that responsibility is horrifically IRRESPONSIBLE- not just on your part, but on that of your parents. They ought to have encouraged you towards education, rather than a life given to parenting when you, yourself, are not yet emotionally equipped for it, given that you equate violence with love.

Love does not hurt. From time to time, it is GOING TO hurt because you are growing, but, on the whole, it does not hurt, it does not hit, it does not bring sorrow….it enlivens a person, makes them feel whole, and the first person who needed your specific love is NOT your old man.

It is you, sweetheart.

If I believed that you would respond to this, I would hope that you would see that last thing that you read…the one part that says you have to know how to love YOU before you can love anyone else. That you had to call 911 on him is indicative of you NOT loving yourself, is indicative of the fact that you depend on your temporary status as a star and now, you have become the poster CHILD for #IPV, for #DV, for making excuses for a bad man.

He is a bad man.

He is.

He harmed you, physically, and you let him back into your privacy, back into the life that you share with people who are far more important than even you ought to be to you….your kids.

Your kids need you to be a mom.

The world needs to you stand up for the rest of the young women who also do not know what actual love is….

Your kids need you, period, but they do not need a violent person raising them. You might not get lucky with that, like I did.

On the other side of that is the FACT that your kids might be told by you that they have to love their dad, but, my kids prove that that is not going to last, and if you are not careful, they will blame YOU for not doing more to save THEM from having to watch their dad brutalize their mother.

…the last thing that I want, as a mother, is for any other momʻs daughter to have to go through what I did.

My kids are proof that they will hate him when they have the choice to make on their own, without you making excuses for him.

If you do not think so, you can ask mine.








The Ground Beneath Your Feet

We Can Dance Meme

“When I Hear Music, It Makes Me Dance”

(Debbie Debʻs When I Hear Music )

There is an entire group of women in our late 40s who, right now, can hear this song playing in their heads.


I did it on purpose – I wrote the one line from that song that no one can deny as being a huge part of their lives growing up. You either loved the song or you hated but right this moment, I donʻt care how anyone feels about the song.

I only care about the dance part.

There is not a soul alive who does not equate my name with one word – hula, or, for that matter, dancing, period.

The thing that I have always known, for the majority part of my life, is that humans and music just go together. My Maestro, David, is a musician. He has the most beautiful singing voice, and he is the one person who is not one of my kids, not my best friends, none of my teachers or professors who knows, very well, that the one thing that is akin to his music for him  – for me is dance.

Any kind of dance, but, particularly the very one that has been my closest friend since the time that I was 3 years old.


I have loved this dance from the time that I saw it live for the first time ever, with my mother being the dancer, singing along to the album that she was playing.

She was almost 30.

I was almost 30, as well, when I became part of a halau that was owned by someone in my family. Then one day, I started my own. It was the job I always held and the one that I loved the most, and love the most still. It was the only one of its kind in the desert, and no one else promoted it like I did – which was with every bit of passion that I have for this dance and that dawns on me now was the reason why I was so insanely rabid about its promotion in the middle of nowhere called The High Desert Region of Southern California, particularly Helendale, CA.

I called us Hula i Lalo Ka La… “Dance Beneath the Sun” which was completely appropriate, given my location at that time.

I wonʻt drone on and on about that place, neither that time, other than to remind us all that we are not here to be boring, to sit at a desk all day long and to remain in the constant droning away of the lives that we want to live. We ought to be thankful everyday for our ability to at least walk, to breathe, to see what is the same as others rather than to constantly try “winning” by focusing on what is not the same as us.

There seems to be this awfulness to us as humans anymore. I am no better than the next guy in that I am willing to make it known to others that there are things that they have said and done, whether in person or online, that was not the nicest thing that I said, that they said, assumed, whatever – we are where we ought to not be, even as we are EXACTLY where we NEED to be right this moment – in that space where we are giving ourselves a once over, giving our selves a reality check like nobodyʻs business – we are meant to be with one another – NOT at each otherʻs throats but that, unfortunately, is where we are.

Yes, even those of us who are here to help this place called “Earth” be what it is supposed to be and NOT what other people are currently trying to turn it into.

Right now seems like it is harsh, but that is only because we are experiencing the changes that we, ourselves, called into being. Maybe not the way that these things are being revealed to us, but, on that end, we are also not the only ones who are meant to grow and evolve and be who we are through it all – bumps, bruises, scraped up soul with a fractured heart. We are supposed to triumph, and right now, we are feeling like every horrid thing that we have feared our entire lives is right there and in our faces, as if there is nothing else that we have to tend to and more, no one else who we have to help, and really, we are supposed to be helping ourselves get through this time in our collective lives.

It seems impossible, at times, to do that – it seems like the biggest hurdle in our lives that we are trying to get past right now, and it seems as if what we are is nothing in comparison to WHAT we WERE and I am here to make it known and positively so that who you are is not meant to be what you were. You are not, like I Am not, meant to go backwards to do with what we know, that which we used to do with it.

I teach dance, but it is far more than only that. Over the last two and a half years, I came to realize how much this dance and my ability to create it for me and for others, in every sense of the word, really and truly means, not only to me, but also to everyone else whose lives have been guided by the count of eight, and the very one that matches the heartbeat of the Soul within, the dancer whose feet were stopped by life, but whose heart chose to keep time with the music….even if the guitars were the sort that scream and jam.

You are human. You are meant to dance, even if you look like a damned fool doing it – that is the best sort of fool to be….the dancing sort….it is not a bad thing to be a dancing fool. In the Tarot, the Fool card does not mean “foolish” but rather and only innocence, and the sort that is filled with wonder and awe at the idea that you do not know what you donʻt know that you know….yeah, when my sistah, Lanakila, told me that one, it threw me until my other sistah, Tutasi, reminded me the important nature of knowing who we each are.

I Am A Dancer (and a teacher, and a healer, of the Hula sort…of the every dance I can do sort).

I have not ever been anything else.

Even when I Coach, I am yet, even if only in my mind, dancing, healing myself, my battered soul fully bared with the world watching, even if it does not know that it is, even if I donʻt think I am doing my very level best…the fact that even in my mind I dance is a big frikkinʻ deal.

It is not about being able to impress someone else with your moves, and is not about the newest “jam” that you have heard that is here today and gone tomorrow. It is about being able to just know that when you dance, you are not being strange, and you are not being watched the way that you think you are being watched. You are being watched by the Goddess, being praised by the God of the Dance, and being loved and wrapped in the music, in the count of eight that only your own soul knows as yours. You are being told without being told that it is okay – that when you hear music, it makes you dance, and it ought to.

NEVER EVER THINK that the people who make fun of you when they donʻt even have the guavas to show their true selves are when YOU are the dancer.

They can laugh all they want, but that laughter is limited in that they have to have someone to laugh at.

But your laughter, it is permanent, is real and is the thing that is the song of the Gods, the music produced in the heart of the soul, the place where actual #ALOHA lives.

“Dance is The Hidden Language of the Soul” (Martha Graham) 


We all know each other, even in a crowd and even if we do not personally know each other.

This is more the truth of those who dance indigenously, like I do.

It is the language that no one speaks audibly but that we all understand. We can know one another by the time the music keeps and by the middle area of who we are called The Soul.

When you hear music, please get up and dance. Even if you make a damned fool of yourself, remember to be a dancinʻ fool, as it is the only fool that the world can appreciate.

With everything in the world that we have that is free, the one thing that we will always have is the heartbeat caused by life, and our feet on the ground to keep the time.

It is far more than a count of eight, or two counts of four…

To Dance is to know the bodyʻs language, as much as to cry is the souls message to the Universe.

When you hear music….let it let you dance….

Do your Soul a favor…let it lead.

Indeed….dance like a damned fool….the world is watching, and it is indeed a beautiful thing that it is…





The Deep…

wild orca

“Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.”

(James Harvey Robinson)

Lots is happening in our world right now.

Lots more is happening on the personal level, as well, in our own personal and private worlds – the world inside of the each of us.

At this time, the very all of us are experiencing what can be perceived as losses but what if we were to think about them as our actually getting much needed soul-clutter out of our lives so that we can make room for better things to come? 

What if we are being taught things that feel really bad emotionally, and that in order to identify those things, we have to be taught those things and shown those things, and to make those things come out of the depths of where we hide ourselves when things get ugly…what if it is that we are being taught to no longer worry, care about, deal with those things, because in worrying, caring about and dealing with those things, we are doing anything but serving what is our Higher Purpose in this lifetime?

What if it means that we are not the only ones who are learning from these lessons, and what if it is that we are at the end of our learning some things, but that those who keep on impressing upon us what their egos want for us to do, on their behalf, even if the bodies housing those egos would never ever do as much for us? What if it means that in order to balance it all out, we have to let go of some things and at this time in our collective beingness, we are all purging the things that are of no good purpose in our lives and no longer serves who we are becoming? 

What if I told you that even I am going through these things, and that I am having a hard time with some of it, but that I have already conquered this …whatever the hell we want to address it as…perhaps as this energy that seems like it is forcing us to do things, not apart from what we want, but, apart from who we have been made to believe we are….what if I were to tell you that we are all going through this garbage, this ferreting out of things…essentially the cleaning the clutter from the closet of the mind?

Lots of events have prompted this writing…. and, yeah -I have been away for a while….but Iʻm Baaaaaaa-aaaack…..

Think about these lyrics:

“…There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out the dark…”

(Rolling In the Deep by Adele)

The fire has been there for some time now, but I have been fighting the fire when instead, I ought to have been gathering my fellow weirdos and started dancing around it. I have depended upon the good opinion of others whose opinions ought to mean nothing to me at all. Yet I allowed them to mean everything for a very long time. Then one day, one of the people who started this madness for me in childhood taught me something without teaching me something…that I Am Who I Am for a damned reason and trying to break me is not going to work because of one True thing….

While I am never going to state that I Am Unbreakable, I will state, matter-of-factly even, that it is tough to break me. There are only a few people on this planet who know how to do this, and those are the very ones who have done all that they can to, without preserving what is not meant to be there, not harm me. We humans do not know how to not harm others. Harming others is something that we learn while we are growing up.

We are taught that in order to be worthy, we have to become someone elseʻs slave for years on end, just so that we can prove to these certain others that we are worthy. What is really going on is that they are merely keeping us where we have been trying to grow from since the time that we were children and taught not to fight, not to do lots of things with the one thing that we were taught was UNacceptable no matter what was having a difference of opinion from the people who would be the elders, or adults, in our lives. This was the lesson that I was taught, that was impressed upon me that told me that since I have ALWAYS WORKED FOR MYSELF that I canʻt be worthy to others (meaning that they would not hire me because I must have done something wrong instead of my just not being the right fit for the job…and even then…), because I did not earn my freedom from emotional slavery the way that everyone else supposedly does and the way that lots of people still believe you HAVE TO do things.

It doesnʻt matter what line of work you are in, neither what kind of stand up person you are in your community – when it comes to matters of the family from which you hail, there is a real harshness that too many will chalk up to being “tough love.”

Most folks know how I feel about that “tough love” crap – it is not real, is the reality that most people think is good for others when those others wonʻt back down from who they are and lately, no matter who wants to think otherwise, I have been bullied into backing down, harassed into not being Who and What I Am For Real and at this time I can safely say for real that I ainʻt havinʻ anymore of it.

Who they think I am, in relation to who they are not is the reason why I feel I have been done to the way that I have been done to – because a group of people cannot have their way, and having their way this time is symbolized by one thing, yet the truth in the reality is that I have seen through it from the inception of this nuttiness and all it means to me is that it is time that we moved on. 

From it ALL

And yeah…I am totally taking steps towards that happening and the more that I believe the things that you are reading right now, the more that I see the truth of my words coming to life. 

Not one of us thinks that we are going to be separated from the life that we knew so well just a few short months, and in my case, weeks, ago.

We donʻt think or believe that those who we believed ourselves to matter to the most do not feel that way about us. We donʻt think or believe that the person who we are will ever have to prove that we are not someone else or even someone who we might have been in the past. We do not believe ourselves to be anything other than who we are meant to be to anyone else, and always we forget about one crucial person who we absolutely need to Be there for the most, absolutely NEED to be so that we can help ourselves out of the jams that we are placed into by others. 

That person is our very self. 

It was not that long ago that I felt this way about the very ones who I am feeling this way about right now. The photo of the pod of orcas speaks to my Pisces soul. It breathes life into me in places that I did not know existed, and tells me the story of what at least my mom taught me in that real families stick together, are supportive and not harmful, will do what they can to make it easier for us to get through the tough times. 

I write a lot about family dynamics and about how it is that we label ourselves in those dynamics, believing that they are the things that a family is built upon. We state that it is Love that binds a family together, but it is the opposite of Love that banishes those who find themselves apart from that group who we know so well. If I thought about it more deeply, I would know that it is deeply etched in the bones of the soul , these beliefs that we each and all have hung on to for so long that to no longer do things the way that we always have becomes the most painful part of the process. 

I liken it, now that I am squarely in the middle of it, to birthing a child into this lifetime. It is harsh and painful, is messy and can be considered a bloodsport by some, this thing called giving birth and which is a most beautiful violence. I call it this because bringing life into this world is a painful process, and there is thrashing and pushing and your hair gets messy and in my case you end up with broken blood vessels in the eyes…and yet, at the end of the struggle, there is this tiny little life that is vulnerable and meant to be taught how to be the best human ever. 

I canʻt say truthfully that we all see it this way, this thing called bringing new life into the world, and right now we are all birthing ourselves to becoming the best version of ourselves that we have been fighting to become, and at the same time, fighting to not be, and not be because even though new life is awesome, it is very dearly scary, but because we are afraid to be everything that we are.

Each one of our souls knows that new life comes without an instruction manual, and this does not only apply to babies, but applies to us all. 

We are without a clue, even though we have every clue because we were born with the capacity to love and the ability to learn to reason and it is in our reasoning that we end up using and strangling ourselves, and all because someone else, a long time ago, wrote the rules for behavior and those rules were kept alive through making it difficult for us to want to break them. We had the love of those who were supposed to love us without condition suddenly becoming conditional the moment that we chose to think an original thought. We had the thing that we thought was who we were and who we would always be in full tact until someone else came along and told us that that was not the acceptable version of ourselves that they preferred and then one day it happened. 

We became brand new, and those who are averse to growth made us know they are averse.

You donʻt have to be.

Youʻre allowed to be brand new.

Reasoning is why we end up in Soul pain…

My reasons for hanging on to certain others is ridiculous. When I think about that reasoning in another manner I can see where it is that I have been held captive by lots of people throughout the years, and all of it has to do with them, never with me. It guided me to the thought that there are others on this planet who will go to great lengths to preserve what is their highest level of thought, even if that level of thought is based in untruth and flat out lies – and as always, the Karmic wheel turns and turns and for the life of us, we see it, through our unenlightened selves, as being this thing that for too long has been the excuse for abuse – tough love. 

The Karma that people do not think they are creating comes to them as the messy situations that lying causes, that trying to make someone else do something or be something they are not will create, not only for anyone else but also for everyone involved, even and including them more than anyone else. No one thinks about the damages that happen to other peoplesʻ lives until those damages are brought out front and center and made into the thing that has to be considered because we do not really know what those others are really capable of. They donʻt know the messes that they make until one day it comes home to roost. 

And of course I am going through a whole LOT right now with everything that you are reading and of course, I am trying NOT to lose myself to this sort of energy again and make no mistake – I have been the one who has volunteered to help me make me recognize that there is strength in my convictions, enough so that when it comes down to it I am not really giving very much up other than the chance to, for the rest of my life, again and again, go through this karmic crap with anyone ever. 

The Deep

“The Deep.”

That is what I refer to as being the levels of consciousness that we are not aware that the rest of the world sees in us.

We do not see ourselves being treated like crap, but the rest of the world does. We do not see ourselves begging for things that otherwise, we would be remiss to believe that anyone would have to go through and endure things that they, themselves, did not and would not ever bring into their own lives. We do not think about the thing that we are being shown blatantly.

I Am being shown, blatantly, that I do not fit in with certain groups any longer.

On the top of things where my ego lives, I am trying hard not to fight this truth. I am trying hard to not “go there” where it hurts me and I am trying hard to not get so angry at myself for not trying harder to see these people in the manner that I assume they see me, which is not really that great. And really, when I think about what I am looking at, even as it is the same set of people with whom I have gone through more than my fair share of shit because of, is actually the past. 

Our past, as I have stated in the past (haha) many times is only good for reference and nothing else.

There is nothing there in the moment called Now, and there is nothing there in the future which is in manifest. The only thing there is a memory, and most of the time it is the memory that hurts us because embedded in that memory is a time in our lives when we might have loved our outer selves more than we did not think about our inner selves because the outer self had it goinʻ on. We loved those times in our lives because everything felt right and was right but when I look back, the only thing that was right was the thought in my head that I was not a right fit for a lot of things, a lot of ways of being, a lot of people….and yeah, it hurt like a bitch but back then, it was normal to me to hurt like that. 

It isnʻt normal to me anymore.

It does not fit.

I have been shown that I Am Worthy, that I Am Loved, that no one in my world will ever treat me any other way than the way that I treat other people. I have been pushed and pushed and pushed, and finally I find that I have gone through this garbage so that other people can see there the things that they need to learn in order to grow away from the things that essentially harmed them, possibly since when they were very small children. What those other do not get, what they might never get, is that they have the right and the ability to be honest, everyday, that they have the right to defend their Kuleana – their sense and level of integrity, and that they have the right to defend who they are to no matter who it is that wants any one of us to believe that we are not meant to be our highest, best selves. 

Our hurts are meant to teach us things. I Am learning that I Am a force to be reckoned with. When I am harmed, the whole world knows. When I am harmed, the people who harmed me also know because these days I am none too shy about letting them know that I feel as I do. 

How we feel is how we are, and how we are is what the world sees, and if what we are feeling is how we are then this means that lots of people assume that this is who we are.

I Am damaged, but I Am Healing, and I know this. I Am a Beautiful Wreck of Damage whose energy can be compared to the meat that rots into the earth, going back to its origins and giving it back, in death, the life that once sprung forth from it. While that last statement might seem a bit harsh, because I Am Laʻāu Lapaʻau – a Plant Medicine Practitioner – it is one of those statements that I take very seriously. 

It means that even in losses, there is much to be birthed of them, and that even when the pain feels like it is too much to bear, it is there reminding us each of what is next, of what we have the opportunity to do even if it hurts us, as much as it will hurt anyone, and more, the things that will happen after the fact. 

Everything in our lives is custom made and tailored to our needs, even the things that suck, even the things that hurt. The things that suck are the things that we need to as why they suck, and the things that hurt we need to ask why they hurt. Everything has a reason, and if we are to believe that the reasons that we are in the circumstances that we are are due to our inaction alone, then we need to stop judging others for what it is that they are not doing the way that we, ourselves would do them – everyone is different, and no one is going to do everything the way that anyone else says they ought to. 

Every lesson that we learn is also a lesson for the others in our lives and who are dearly  involved in our lives. The things that have been brought to my awareness are the things that people believe are my doing. Yet, the people who brought these things to me also know that these are not mine to own, but theirs. At the moment, I am the one who is not scrambling for much more than a better place, spiritually and emotionally, and of course physically (the roaches are bigger than my daughter-in-lawʻs Sparky Cat) than the one that I live in now and where I do not have to feel like I am constantly trying to stop being put in a position where I have to compete with other peoplesʻ truths. 

In our lives, we are not those who have to prove anything to others, just because someone else – ANYONE ELSE – called us out for the fight. It is just our way of knowing, without really knowing, that it is time to do that whole…Jedi mind trick thing….and blow their minds by not blowing your stack.

Just because you are not who others think you are, it does not mean that you have to prove that you are not what they want you to be. In fact, you have nothing to prove at all, and the only thing that matters at any time at all is that you are being true to yourself, being authentic and in your place as the higher being that you have aspired to for all of your human life. 

We donʻt realize that the pod we came from shows us what we are meant for and yes, what we are NOT meant for. 

I have been shown that there are some of us who are not meant for trying to fit into the mold that someone else has set for us because it makes THEM feel better, not about us and who we know we are, but about their own tortured selves and who they know they are not.

I said it

Deal with it…if you donʻt, it wonʻt change, and your life wonʻt change even the tiniest little bit. 

Ask yourself if you like the things that keep on showing up in your life. Do you like the feeling that you get when you have to defend yourself against an untruth, or would you rather just continue living your truth as you keep on creating it? Do you think that if you tried harder to please those others that they would love you more, or, do you believe the other way in that they might just not ever be satisfied with you because they might not be satisfied with themselves?

Do you really like what you are going through everyday, just because someone else, a long time ago made you feel like you do not know what you are doing and that they have a better plan for your life?

Most of all, is it their business who you are?

#Think about it for a moment.

No answer that you give yourself is the wrong answer.

I Promise…

#LosAngelesKahunaRox #TheCrabAndTheFish #NeverBackDown #UnSilenceTheViolence





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