Monthly Archives: August 2012

In A Forward Motion

Survivors Know That We NEVER Have to Go Backward to Those Places In Our Memories Where Hurt Was The Thing That Was Ours

I can talk about my past now. I can tell people that what they have been through, while it does not make them unique, it does make them stronger than a whole lot of other people. I say this because those who have survived this madness of violence enacted upon the Spirit of people who were totally not aware of what would happen to their lives have had it rough enough to have to learn to deal with things. And by deal with things I mean that we have had to learn to differentiate between what is real and what is not. We have had to learn to live the lie that other people forced onto us as truth and we have had to learn how to deal, not only with our own tortured emotional selves, but also with the same tortured mess that were the people who hurt us.

We never have to look back.

Each and everyday of our lives we have the chance to Know for sure that today is a day that we can make a positive change in our lives, and we can start that part of this piece of our lives by first waking up and telling ourselves that what we Know about us is the truth and that whatever it is that anyone else sees in us, while it might be their truth, it never was and never has to be ours. Many of us are told who we are, what we are, and what our value is with other people, but we are not also willing to see to it that we Know who we really are according to Our Very Selves.

Our Very Selves

We are who we are but in the lives of those who have been seeking the redemption which comes with no longer having to wake up to being victimized, many of us really have no clue of who we are, and this is a very hard thing to deal with and a hard place to be. I know this monster as it is the monster who I recently excused from the place in my memory where the terrors of the days gone by would haunt me and would tell me that whatever it was that someone else thought I was, theirs was the highest truth. And like the victim that I was, I followed it to a T and didn’t let anyone down because it was my reality my entire life to be a “good girl” and by that I mean that it was fine for everyone else to be assholes, fine for everyone else to have a momentary slip of being human, but not me…never me.

And it didn’t stop with just the one person – oh hell no! There was an entire herd of people waiting to be the next one to make me feel like I was the lowest piece of shit on earth, and I believed them. I believed their truth, and never mind that I did not even know what my own truth was – hell, I wasn’t even aware of what the hell my own truth really was. One day I got angry and just kept being angry. One day I just decided that the only person who would be able to relieve my pain and the only one who could really do anything in the manner of “fixing” me was me.

When it came to that point and I found myself again sitting across from a stranger who would open up my box of memories and take my hand and jump in head first I chose to make it my only incentive to really pay attention to what these people had to tell me, and while it was that I figured they would tell me what was always said to me in the past, this time was different.

This Time Was Different

This time I wanted it to be what it was meant to be, the help that I sought. This time I wanted for my own pain to not only mean something to me but also for my own tale of healing and coming into my own within my own personal power and being able to see the changes. This time, I wanted to not look back, not have to refer back to the past to find out what it is that I did this time to make people be angry with me for what seemed no reason at all. No one has the right to tell us who we are and more, no one has the right to expect us to conform to what they think of us. No one else’s opinion of us matter. We are not beholden to the opinions of other people.

This time I was told these things. This time it was made clear to me that while I might have been told that I was the worst kid in the world, while I might have been used by certain “friends” when I was a kid to get what they wanted (such as the attention of boys…yes, even a few of my girlfriends helped to abuse me when I was a kid…it happens), I was not ever told that I am okay to tell people no. I was never taught that it is okay to think that I am different, that I am special and that no one has the right to expect me to believe that what they have to say to me is the truth of me.

Whenever we find ourselves in a place where the tears seem just to fall without any prompting, and when we find that we have come to a place within us where we just are so filled up with the toxic emotions of the past, it is at this point when we can Know that within us our Soul is crying out for relief and our hearts can no longer take anymore of the venomous words and our eyes can no longer see our personal belongings being treated as has our heart and our Soul, we are not aware that this is the pining of the Soul and the beckoning of the Spirit which is guiding us toward the light of healing, toward the change we all need so badly.

We do not see it because we do not know it and it is because we were never told that healing can and will happen, that we no longer have to hear those words that break our hearts every time they ring in our memories, and we no longer have to know that the people who were in our lives in the past and their opinion of us, and we no longer have to suffer at the hands of the people who, when we were younger, were too happy to tell us who we were and what we were doing to make them uncomfortable. We no longer have to live in that ugliness.

We never had to, but we didn’t know this, and it is because we were so used to being told what to do, how to be, who we were and are. No one taught people who have been abused, whether it was with hands being put on us or words being said to us or both, how to deal with our own selves and no one was ever going to and they were never going to because without us there to walk all over there is no one to have any control over, no one to be there telling us that we are going to screw up and why don’t we just give it up already because we are not good enough to do anything right anyway, so why even try?

Really?

Well, I am too happy to tell you why you should try, okay? You should try because if you do not try, the people who might not live with you will still live with you and they will continue to live with you until you make it known to those memories that they are no longer real to you, that they can no longer hold power over you or you life. I do not care if it was your parents, your siblings, your extended family, the people in your neighborhood, the person you married, the boss you cannot stand…it don’t matter WHO THE FUCK IT IS OR WAS, those memories of what was can no longer live in you if you do not allow them to.

And Oh the possibilities that arise for us when we can let it all go !! We find that we are more able to think before we speak, and yes, it is because no one else thought before they spoke to us, and it is because we know what it is like to be screwed with by someone who thought they knew better than us. We find those reserves of strength that we never knew existed because it was forced back down so that we would not have to hear or more, feel the terror of the words and the fists and the angry evil eye. We find that we know how to do what it is for ourselves that other people in our past would never tell us was the truth because they never wanted us to know that it was the truth.

The biggest possibility that occurs, though, is that we finally, after all those years, meet our truest and highest Selves

That’s right!! And for the first time in a lot of years, I say this with as much Love in my heart and much to the delight of my soul as it bursts with the Light of Love!…..I said it, so deal with it…deal with meeting the real you!!

I Promise you are going to Love You!!

And you already know that
I LOVE YOU ALL !!!
Aloha ! ROX

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Choice Empowers Us

We all like to think we have no good options in our lives, but the truth is that we are more afraid to choose than we want to think we are

Choice is scary. Choosing means that we have to sit down for a minute and think about things. And when I say choosing I do not mean choosing what you want for dinner or choosing what to wear to a fabulous party. I mean real choices – who to hang with, what job offer to take, which person to have as a companion. If we bother ourselves to think about the things that we have seen in our lifetime we will see that all choices led us all each right here, to right now, and that in this one perfectly imperfect moment we find that it was choice that brought it all together for us. Good or Other Than Good, what we need to know and accept and live with is that indeed, the choices we have each made in our lives have been enough for us to find ourselves possibly in tears, probably on more occasions than not, angry at ourselves for choosing from a place of fear rather than a place of change.

To Choose, in some cases, means to Change

It is a simple idea, really, that we have brought all the things and people and ways of being into our knowingness via choices. Many of us who have been through the hell of being the target of anyone else knows well the idea that choosing wrong can be dangerous, in some cases even deadly, and we choose still to pick our lives as though what we need to do is choose something that might not fit our Selves and neither the desires of our Lives, and no one ever Desires to be hurt, to be lied to, to be someone else’s poster child for the things that they deem as theirs for the choosing to do to you.

I am sure that no one reading this chose to be battered, to be chastised or to be treated as though they had no clue in their brain, no original thought to call their own, nothing that their abuser told them was right and true and our own. No abuser wants the survivor of their abusive ways to know that they have a choice, wants them to understand that they have rights, and not one of us, because of fear, chose something that was according to our own needs and our own wants – we chose on behalf of someone else and all in the name of no longer getting the treatment that we were given on so many occasions.

Choice empowers us, makes us stronger in the idea that we can guide our own lives, walk our own Path, and choice makes a survivor a human being, not just to everyone else in their awareness, but more importantly, to themselves. I know this is the truth, because I lived it, and I know, too, that you do not have to. It really is a matter of what it is that we are willing to believe, and I refuse to believe that I was never worth the effort to make me laugh, make me cry tears of joy, make me swoon…. I Know better. I have always known better.

Fear was my problem, and in some ways it still is, because I was told a lot in my time on this planet, and it was not until recently that I pulled my own head out from beneath the blanket of fear, long enough to see that I was lied to and that for long enough I had endured more than anyone’s fair share of abuse.

And by the way…in case you were wondering?

Yeah, there is no such thing as a “fair share of abuse,” because abuse is not about fair and never was. It is about control, about the idea that someone in this world not loving themselves and so they pin all the hopes that we will accept them as they are without the same being in reverse.

We must become empowered through the shedding of our fears. I know this monster called fear. It is an ugly monster. It tells us that we are not good enough, and it makes us question why it is that anyone would want to have anything to do with us, and it makes us cry and makes good people turn into hermits just so that they do not have to deal with the constant daily garbage that abused people know better than many else do.

We become empowered by our fear because our fear pushes us to see what we can deal with, what we can handle, what it is that we are made of, and by my count, it is the victim who, on their own, chooses to become the survivor that we all, hopefully, intend on being.

It was not the fear of what I knew he would do to me, but more, the fear of what I did not know, and what I did not know was that my fear was his all along.

Imagine the look on his face when I gave him that fear right back…it wasn’t pretty, he wasn’t happy.

I didn’t give a shit. I had to take it like a man so I chose to teach him what it was like to take it like a man, and he bristled…

The shit we like to cram down other peoples’ throats as the truth is the same shit that we, ourselves, will never offer to eat,even though those who tried to kill our sense of empowerment thought that we would just keep on taking it and taking it.

He found out quickly that it smelled like shit, tasted like shit, looked like shit, and in fact was shit.

What, might you ask? Oh…haha…

His sense of power, that’s what. The moment I told him it was over, there came an entirely new meaning with the words “Shit on a shingle.” Haha!!! Toast, anyone?

Choosing is empowerment.

Everyday, I choose to choose wisely the things that I use to rebuild my life. Rather than choose on behalf of others, I choose on my own behalf. Not only am I better off for it, but too, the people who I love the very most are also better off because of it.

When we choose, we should do so with only the highest good for ourselves in mind, because it is on the whims of the Soul that we find our greatest, most compelling truths come shining through for us!! Truth is a beacon which illuminates the pain so that we can find the anti-venom for the bites and stings of the reptile called “conformity.”

I don’t know about you guys, but since I found my voice, made my choice, there ain’t a slithering slimy reptile around who has the fortitude to take on the Jaguar High Priestess’ Soul, the Ix Spirit which lives within me…

Snakes don’t know that Jaguars eat them like so many kids eat pixie-stix

Choose wisely, and do so with the thought in your head that choosing wisely and for your Self ultimately equals a choice made on behalf of those with whom we are the very closest.

Choice Empowers.
Never forget that.

Also never forget that
I LOVE YOU ALL !!
Rox


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