I can talk about my past now. I can tell people that what they have been through, while it does not make them unique, it does make them stronger than a whole lot of other people. I say this because those who have survived this madness of violence enacted upon the Spirit of people who were totally not aware of what would happen to their lives have had it rough enough to have to learn to deal with things. And by deal with things I mean that we have had to learn to differentiate between what is real and what is not. We have had to learn to live the lie that other people forced onto us as truth and we have had to learn how to deal, not only with our own tortured emotional selves, but also with the same tortured mess that were the people who hurt us.
We never have to look back.
Each and everyday of our lives we have the chance to Know for sure that today is a day that we can make a positive change in our lives, and we can start that part of this piece of our lives by first waking up and telling ourselves that what we Know about us is the truth and that whatever it is that anyone else sees in us, while it might be their truth, it never was and never has to be ours. Many of us are told who we are, what we are, and what our value is with other people, but we are not also willing to see to it that we Know who we really are according to Our Very Selves.
Our Very Selves
We are who we are but in the lives of those who have been seeking the redemption which comes with no longer having to wake up to being victimized, many of us really have no clue of who we are, and this is a very hard thing to deal with and a hard place to be. I know this monster as it is the monster who I recently excused from the place in my memory where the terrors of the days gone by would haunt me and would tell me that whatever it was that someone else thought I was, theirs was the highest truth. And like the victim that I was, I followed it to a T and didn’t let anyone down because it was my reality my entire life to be a “good girl” and by that I mean that it was fine for everyone else to be assholes, fine for everyone else to have a momentary slip of being human, but not me…never me.
And it didn’t stop with just the one person – oh hell no! There was an entire herd of people waiting to be the next one to make me feel like I was the lowest piece of shit on earth, and I believed them. I believed their truth, and never mind that I did not even know what my own truth was – hell, I wasn’t even aware of what the hell my own truth really was. One day I got angry and just kept being angry. One day I just decided that the only person who would be able to relieve my pain and the only one who could really do anything in the manner of “fixing” me was me.
When it came to that point and I found myself again sitting across from a stranger who would open up my box of memories and take my hand and jump in head first I chose to make it my only incentive to really pay attention to what these people had to tell me, and while it was that I figured they would tell me what was always said to me in the past, this time was different.
This Time Was Different
This time I wanted it to be what it was meant to be, the help that I sought. This time I wanted for my own pain to not only mean something to me but also for my own tale of healing and coming into my own within my own personal power and being able to see the changes. This time, I wanted to not look back, not have to refer back to the past to find out what it is that I did this time to make people be angry with me for what seemed no reason at all. No one has the right to tell us who we are and more, no one has the right to expect us to conform to what they think of us. No one else’s opinion of us matter. We are not beholden to the opinions of other people.
This time I was told these things. This time it was made clear to me that while I might have been told that I was the worst kid in the world, while I might have been used by certain “friends” when I was a kid to get what they wanted (such as the attention of boys…yes, even a few of my girlfriends helped to abuse me when I was a kid…it happens), I was not ever told that I am okay to tell people no. I was never taught that it is okay to think that I am different, that I am special and that no one has the right to expect me to believe that what they have to say to me is the truth of me.
Whenever we find ourselves in a place where the tears seem just to fall without any prompting, and when we find that we have come to a place within us where we just are so filled up with the toxic emotions of the past, it is at this point when we can Know that within us our Soul is crying out for relief and our hearts can no longer take anymore of the venomous words and our eyes can no longer see our personal belongings being treated as has our heart and our Soul, we are not aware that this is the pining of the Soul and the beckoning of the Spirit which is guiding us toward the light of healing, toward the change we all need so badly.
We do not see it because we do not know it and it is because we were never told that healing can and will happen, that we no longer have to hear those words that break our hearts every time they ring in our memories, and we no longer have to know that the people who were in our lives in the past and their opinion of us, and we no longer have to suffer at the hands of the people who, when we were younger, were too happy to tell us who we were and what we were doing to make them uncomfortable. We no longer have to live in that ugliness.
We never had to, but we didn’t know this, and it is because we were so used to being told what to do, how to be, who we were and are. No one taught people who have been abused, whether it was with hands being put on us or words being said to us or both, how to deal with our own selves and no one was ever going to and they were never going to because without us there to walk all over there is no one to have any control over, no one to be there telling us that we are going to screw up and why don’t we just give it up already because we are not good enough to do anything right anyway, so why even try?
Well, I am too happy to tell you why you should try, okay? You should try because if you do not try, the people who might not live with you will still live with you and they will continue to live with you until you make it known to those memories that they are no longer real to you, that they can no longer hold power over you or you life. I do not care if it was your parents, your siblings, your extended family, the people in your neighborhood, the person you married, the boss you cannot stand…it don’t matter WHO THE FUCK IT IS OR WAS, those memories of what was can no longer live in you if you do not allow them to.
And Oh the possibilities that arise for us when we can let it all go !! We find that we are more able to think before we speak, and yes, it is because no one else thought before they spoke to us, and it is because we know what it is like to be screwed with by someone who thought they knew better than us. We find those reserves of strength that we never knew existed because it was forced back down so that we would not have to hear or more, feel the terror of the words and the fists and the angry evil eye. We find that we know how to do what it is for ourselves that other people in our past would never tell us was the truth because they never wanted us to know that it was the truth.
The biggest possibility that occurs, though, is that we finally, after all those years, meet our truest and highest Selves
That’s right!! And for the first time in a lot of years, I say this with as much Love in my heart and much to the delight of my soul as it bursts with the Light of Love!…..I said it, so deal with it…deal with meeting the real you!!
I Promise you are going to Love You!!
And you already know that
I LOVE YOU ALL !!!
Aloha ! ROX