Monthly Archives: July 2016

A mad, mad world (literally)

The world that seems mad_ManaO.jpg

The world seems like it is pissed off….that’s because it is.

“…their tears are filling up their glasses…” (Tears for Fears, Mad World)

I had a horrible nightmare.

It could not have lasted very long, given the time that I fell asleep, to the time that I was jarred from the…very tumultuous slumber…that I’d barely been able to grasp onto, given where it is that I lay my head at night.

I say a whole lot about symbolism, about how it is that these things play out in the manner that they play out, whether it is in dreaming or wakefulness. When we dream, we are being told something by our Higher Selves. When I was told, through that dream, the message that I had received at that time, I panicked, because the last thing that I ever like to know, let alone do, is hurt someone who I care deeply about. I am sure that that has not happened, and I am more sure that right this moment, as I write this and as the messages come through to me very loudly and clearly, it is not that I hurt anyone at all, but that I was feeling the deep hurt, anger and resentment of the very entirety of mankind.



I had this nightmare, and at first I thought it was because of something that I had said, then it was something that I thought that I did not DO. I went to my class this morning, confused and terrified, and the terror came from not knowing what it was that the nightmare was telling me. The visual that I got was that my entire world was very, very angry with me. When I thought about it, did some very quick research about it, I found out that what I wrote to and for someone who is very important  to me was NOT the reason why I felt the way that I felt this morning.

In fact, the reason that I felt the way that I did, and the reason as to why it is that right now, I can sit here and write this and not feel like I am somehow out of my damned mind for doing so, is because I was able to stop myself from getting too far into the thoughts that typically will wreck me. Typically it will be a few hours, if not an entire day, before I will be able to trust what it is that I am sensing as not being anything that I have done directly to anyone else at all, and more, usually is NOT what I initially “see” no matter how the vision comes to me.

If those reading this knew exactly how much Astrology I have studied in the last ten years, those who know me and know me well also know that if anyone can trust her abilities, it is me. The reason why it feels like I can’t is not because of me or anyone else in my life. It is because this is what is happening on a global level, and also that this is all meant, via the Plutonian energies in Virgo right now. Not only that, but, if you understood what I very dearly recently only learned, you would know that now is not the time to panic (which I did) and that now is not the time to be afraid (which, I cannot lie – I am terrified of lots of things), but that now is the time that we have to grab hold of our fears and make them work for us toward our ultimate life. We cannot see the gifts already afforded with the losses, and I am not here to tell anyone what those gifts are unless they are being used as an example to clarify, with tangible means, what I am trying to get across.

What I am trying to get across is that truly, the entirety of humankind, on the very global, very media driven, all the way to the very personal, very private level, is that we are all angry with everything right now. We are mad because it seems like we cannot get ahead, but what we are not, at least I know I was not, this morning, paying attention to is that there are going to be things that will tell us, maybe not outright, what it is that we are truly pining for.

Had I thought about it in this manner, that what it is that I have always pined for is being built by me and with one person in particular, I might not have had a very human being type moment. Indeed, panic is born from lots of negative energies, spawned from lots of negative life experiences. The thing that we are all feeling and sensing right now is exactly this energy – we are tired of feeling upset, of crying, of all those things that we have done, consistently, since very late in 2006. If it were any indicator or if it helps any one of us at all, think about all this bullshit this way – right now is a very 12th house kind of energy, at least in my opinion. Pain comes from our past. Our past is where all of our karma is created, and in order to get past the pain, we have to balance the Karma. If we don’t balance the Karma, we end up embroiled in a loop that rather than it loosening up for us, gets tightly wound around us, creating this energy that is angry, and angry like an angry child who does not get what they want and chooses to make a scene in a very busy grocery store during the busiest time of the day.

Indeed…every one of us is past angry…we are pissed…as well we ought to be

The Whole World Gone Mad


The world is mad.

We are all pissed off right now.

My own symbolism messed with my head through that nightmare. In it a very important person (“the whole world”) was very, dearly angry with me (gone mad), and I could not figure out why.

It jolted me out of what was not a really great sleep to begin with, and made me stay awake all this time, just so that I could ask myself a lot of very important questions, and the answers told me to think critically and to be inside of that energy for a moment, so that I could sense and feel what it is that was actually hurting me, actually scaring me and was not scary, at all. If anything, now that I can sort of think clearly about it, it was a confirmation, was something that I likely am learning to do more with at this time, given that I am growing, along with my other half, at what seems a lightning pace.

At the same time, things seem to be crawling at a snail’s pace….and not just any snail, but one whose shell is too big for its tiny little body….now, imagine the energy that this current snail’s pace is happening for us all, and you will also have the reason why you feel like you feel, right now. (Okay, not all of us…but a very HUGE global majority of us).

It is not the snail’s pace, neither the shell that is too big, but rather and all, on the collective level, we are growing at a lightning pace, all while it seems like everything else in the world is not. We are growing impatient, and we are very aware of our own shortcomings, and in this energy, we are also very patently and dearly aware of our own lessons and just how much of what we have gone through thus far has affected not only ourselves, but those closest to us, as well, and not a whole lot of it is that good. There have been snippets of things that would allow us to relax into the moment, but, we all must agree that it truly, for the last three to four years, has only been in the very moment.

Yet, the  moments…they are what we each and all live for right now, and while it is a beautiful thing, all of this stuff we are doing on the soul level, there is still the matter of what the hell we are going to do with this ugly, nasty, taking forever to heal itself physical level. The physical level is not the same thing that we want to believe it is or that we see it as. It is merely the manifestation of the things that we have been through and that a lot of it needs to be made new. Some of the things that we see happening is happening at what is not our own choice, or happens at the wrongest of times, or both, all at the same time. This only points to the fact that it is our souls which are dearly in the lead right now, because the soul knows, absolutely, what it is doing, and it also knows that at the tangible level, we are living out the energy of the Master Number 22 – that of the builder.

As the builders, we have to think of the things that we are evolving away from to be the destruction of the …nasty habits and ways of being… that we are born with in the South Node of our charts. We are both the destroyers of the old ways of thinking and being, and at the same time, we are also building what is the future with those who are most like us in thought and being because those who are most like us are also on the same mission that we are. We are here to rebuild consciousness, and consciousness is not anything to trifle with, even though, at the same time, it remains at our will in terms of how we perceive everything in our lives right this moment that is hard to digest and easy to just turn a blind eye to.

And turning a blind eye to it all will not change a thing, and if we opt to not change and try to go back and stay in the energies of the South Node, then we will continually live out the Karma that we were sent to this lifetime to balance. Had I thought about this earlier, I might not have had the panic attack that I had, and I might not have started my day off at 3 A.M. I might have been able to see things in a different light. I might have known or at least figured out that as the collective of souls elevates higher and higher, the gifts and traits that are good within us each and that have caused us a lot of pain by their not being expressed in the manner that is the (or at least with the help of) both Nodes.

One Node is for reference, is for seeing where we have been, who we have been, what we have done, how we got there and why it hurt…and the North Node is the place that we, as a soul, aspire to. For some of us this means a whole lot, and for all of this, it means that we have this little glimpse into our own selves and into the future that unless we know it is there and is for this purpose, we will continue in this endless loop of uncertainty, in this maddening dance with the devil we call our past inclinations.

We know that the South Node is our Karmic lesson…meaning that the North Node is where our Dharma, or the reward, is at. Once it is that we learn this much, and once it is that we learn that it is not a bad thing to grow, everything begins to lighten up some. The trick? Where it is that we might believe that we have to become that North Node sign, instead, what we really have to do is integrate those good qualities, of both North and South, using more of the South to push us toward the higher octave of the North ….the beauty and harmony provided by the things that we strive for, aspire to, want to live in, at least in part.

Where it is in my life that I am growing is where I ought to be growing, which is in my North Node in Pisces. Right now, the nodes are North Node in Virgo, and South Node in Pisces.

This is a balancing act for me, to cut through the bullshit and see ,as typically I am able to except for this morning when I failed to remember that I am learning my own symbolism and sharpening it. That I panicked is a South Node Pisces thing (remember that I am a North Node Pisces), but, that I was able, because I just kept telling myself that I am not used to all this…balance of energies…was all due to the North, collectively, in Virgo, and the South, collectively, in Pisces.

With my North in Pisces, and South in Virgo, it makes sense that, of all of the people who I know and who are living through the energies of the North and South Nodes, I am meant to integrate what is my Neptunian knowledge with what is the collectively felt energy of the Virgo North alongside my natal (at birth) Pisces (which is my sun in the 8th house…meaning that everything that is changing for me, personally, in terms of what these two places, signs and energies means – typically my working life and how I fit into it), and understand that, until the nodes change again, the thing that I have to work towards is to combine what is felt in my body (earth = Virgo) via the Divine messages in my soul-mind (Pisces) and help those two energies get along well enough to help me get to where it is that I am going on my Path.

A Tug of War

The North and South Nodes are like a spiritual and “personality” game of tug of war.

We can hang tightly on to the things that we have held onto for so long, just because we are very good at those things, or because we have had a lot of good memories or perhaps the person who we used to be has evolved into the person who we now are and now do not know how to live as. This is the reason why the nodes move slowly (retrograde) because the things that we have known and attached ourselves to as our current Self needs time, namely if it is a thing that has been going on for as long and far back as we can each recall, to grow into the evolutionary changes that have already taken place and that are already making us feel like Spirit can’t stand us and that we are Spirit’s step-children.

Yet this is not the case, this…step-child thing (step kids are cool, some of them are), and as of this morning, it is also not the only way that I am interpreting this energy. Where it was that I believed that I might have written something egregiously wrong, it was, instead, my not seeing, through the nightmare, that my symbols of interpretation are getting a bit more vivid and complex for me, and how…ridiculous is it that topically the only thing that I could do was panic? Throw into the mix that this is finals week at school, that there are a lot of horrid things going on in my world apart from my other half that make me want to do like always and run into my safe place and cry like a scared little turd, and you will have the perfect recipe for someone like me to panic and to do so at a phenomenal rate of energy. The thing that I have to be most grateful for is the idea that when I am panicking, I am unable to think clearly…but this time?

I did what I do when I need a question answered, or I have happened upon something very cool and very, very…almost calming…I write it out.

I write it out so that I can see what it is that I am feeling (Virgo) in the emotional and psychic sense (Pisces). When I allowed my South Node to scrutinize my words (Virgo and Pisces are both very good as researchers), and my words are always typically very poetic, very easily understood (Pisces is the artist…Virgo, the word smith or the librarian who needs perfect order and things absolutely alphabetically arranged according to height, color, width…bleh…who fucking needs THAT shit?…Pisces in 3rd house = very easily written communication that is hopefully well understood universally on the spiritual level), I began to also allow my thoughts to expand to the logical thinking of my other half – The Maestro, with my education in behavioral science, and then, as always, when I could not come to an easy conclusion, I did what I am most noted for – I asked Spirit to help me.

So She did….

You are reading it now…






There are a whole lot of us on this planet who feel things deeper than most. We are those who seem to attract the very worst situations as well as people of the shittiest sort to our life, but for no other reason than that we are capable of dealing with things that others seem unable to.


What a statement that introduction is, right? (Right).

This typically means that this particular writing will be very…very…in some parts…VULGAR…in terms of the presentation that you each and all will be “hit” with, so to speak. And I am saying it right now, that I will make no apologies to anyone who thinks that I am speaking directly to and at them…I probably am doing exactly that.

I guess that I am sort of lucky that until now, I have had to simply deal with this last week’s harshness alone, but not. It is not a mistake that when we cannot get in touch with others within our hanai ohana, namely those who we need to reach out to and who have, in the past, reached out to us when they needed someone just to simply listen…we are being told, right then, to think about why it is that we are going through what it is that we are.

In my case, I know it has a lot to do with my …growing ability…to turn my healer’s back on people who I just cannot tolerate in terms of helping them to heal themselves. The issue, by the way, is not ours – it is theirs and they have made it ours for a long time. What a buncha SHIT !

Perhaps it is not the right way to start this writing off, because the reality is not that I need to write about more stuff that is already saturating us all the time in terms of who is, and who is not, an Empath. I know that I am an Empath. I know that those who are closest to me are also this same thing. I know that there are things that I am able to discern from what seems to be nothing, and I know that a lot of what it is that I will feel and sense will not be of the greatest, nor happiest vibration.

I know that there are people who we share the air with, and more than that, people who our daily lives are impacted by in terms of our abilities, and typically, those people are the worst people for anyone with a sharp sense of knowing, at all times, and feeling, at all times, and being very sensitive to the energies of others, most of the time, and for the most part, in the easiest language that my brain is able, at this point in time in my life as an academic, as a writer, as a human being, can conjure – people are shitty, and people do shitty things. Shitty people do shitty things.

Shitty People do Shitty Things

I was trying to clean up my language with my blogs, but what the fuck for? So people without the right to judge me for who I am, for who anyone is, can feel like they have had some modicum of control over my thoughts? Why should I not be me, and why is it that anyone at all believes that they…they who are not me, who are not others like me….who the hell is anyone else to try hard to fuck with people about who they truly are on the inside? Who is anyone to tell me that they would read what I write if I chose to not write the words “shitty,” “fuck,” “god damned,” “mother fucker,” as well as a whole host of other apparently, to some, very offensive language?

Does it occur to those who are offended by me, by my words, my anything…me who has a huge heart and a lot of soul, and me who is unconditional in her manner of being able to pinpoint what is the collective energies of the planet on any given day of the week…does it fucking occur to anyone at all that the more you tell me, or people like me, that we are offending others, or that we are offensive, period, that that alone puts YOU in the area of being an offensive prick?  It makes you an offensive prick because you are telling people like me that when we are being ourselves, we are offending you, because we happen to not clean up our language for your eyes to not read. I am sorry, but if this is you, I am NOT writing this to please YOU. I am writing this because this is what Kahuna folks do – we fucking orate, and we write, and we know the god damned power of words,  and to those of you who are offended by it?

Get over it -it does not occur to you that perhaps your phoniness in terms of proper behavior from other humans might be the thing that people like me are pointing out in you. It might not occur to you that people like me do like we do and say what we do, NOT because we have some sort of mental …problem….but, because we are always being called offensive, always being called and told that we are too sensitive and that we need to “suck it up, buttercup….”

How the fuck about FUCK YOU? How about knock your sorry shit off, and how about YOU just don’t fuck with sensitive people with your bullying tactics? What the fuck is wrong with me? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING…keep fucking reading…

I am not too sensitive – you are an asshole.

People like me are not in need of being told again and again that we are who is fucked up. It does not occur to others who have no intention of being anything like the person who you are supposed to be right now is trying hard to come out, and it is people like me – the ones who you bully mercilessly, and the ones who you call “paranoid,” “insane,” and “unstable,” and are the ones who literally feel your truth – the very truth you deny.

Your truth is why you bully others, and your truth is the truth that you cannot face, even as your truth is the thing that is screaming at you from those who are just like me…me who is empathetic, and me who is no longer taking anyone’s shit. Your truth is what you deny, and in response to that, you and others like you want me and others like me to deny our truths. We cannot do that. We will not do that, at least not anymore, and not for a bunch of entitled fucks who believe their own bullshit and then carry that bullshit out onto the world as though it is your fucking right to be an asshole, just because that is how you roll, and just because that happens to be the only strength you think you have.

You like to bully people, and you have turned a fucking dear weakness into a strength that is only topical – meaning that it is only on the top of things where the audience you seek can see it, where the people who you have drawn to you so that you can siphon the good energies from others through your pretend bullshit which usually comes across as you needing sympathy rather than you accepting being kicked in the face by the Goddess you seem to think does not exist and is the same Goddess that you chase your phony God or your phony …anything that you worship-usually your self – on. You are not impressive, and I am tired of your shit. I am more tired of carrying your heavy energy and made sick by the idea that you – EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU – have this image of yourself as being the victim in all of your dramas.

Guess what? You’re right….you victimize others to feel superior, but you want to be the highest of the lowest, which is fine because that is where you belong – with those who believe the idea that in order to be good enough or strong enough, you have to have someone else who can be pointed at, who can be called the one who brought you the pain. It is not me or anyone like me who has brought these things to you. They have always been there. The thing that me and others like me actually do is bring out the worst in you so that you can see it, and you can try not to fail to it. But you always do.

It takes so little to be a thinking and feeling and a real person, but you opt for the fake because the fake allows you to fool those who trade their souls to become your follower, your henchman, your apath…and eventually even those who would be your minions fade away from your life.

The only thing that is left for those of us who are Empathetic and in this energy is the very real feeling of being no longer in the presence of people who abuse with impunity, who do not realize that they are doing it and that when they are doing it they are showing us all every bit of every thing that has happened to them and that they have denied being the truth that needs to be healed.

We are tired of your shit, guys…

I am not alone in this feeling and this energy that is screaming “hey man FUCK YOU…”

What No One Realizes…

This is what no one realizes about people with a superior sense of empathy – those who are strong empathetically can see right through the lies, right through the things that people who sense (but pass the senses off as though they are wrong) can see through, and the impossible thing about it all is that those who sense can do nothing about the fact that we not only draw those who are exactly like us to us (in the sense that is partnerships and hanai ohana= soul tribe) what we sense, and right through the bullshit that we have been fed for a very long period in our lives by those who are there for us to work through the bullshit that we have had handed to us over the course of our lives. 

And again…I must defer, sort of , to how it is that we are each and all raised. I make a joke, everyday just about, on one of my social networks, regarding something that I referred to for some time as “old people theater.” It is not about old people going to the theater, but the old people who I spend much time with. While it is that I understand that these are people who grew up in a different time, where different things applied, I find most revealing the idea that the things that I hear smack loudly of the kind of upbringing they’d had.

On one end, there is the absoluteness of being a child watching one’s parent abuse the other parent.

On the other hand, there is the child who was made afraid, not only to disobey, but more, to disappoint.

Then there is me, the one who is still soothing the child within, the very one who, from the time that I was physically a child, has been mostly a witness to as well as the person being treated improperly. I cannot change others, but I can change my thoughts about what it is that has been part of my life, for the whole of my life, by two people who, themselves, have never healed from the pain of the abuses they were told was actually discipline. I am sorry but, ALL HAWAIIANS need to ACCEPT – it was abuse, and you are each and all still reeling from it all.

Rather than listen to what is not being said, by anyone at all, some of you say it is not going to work, and the others do not trust what is said and what is the antidote for the things that ail us all in the soul.

And all this  does is perpetuate within me, these things called self-doubt, self-loathing, an energy of not being able to trust me and what I know as being my truth.

Maestro would never lie to me about the things that he sees in me that I need to work on, and neither does Amber, or Gator, or Mama No…as well as my good friend Bobby. It is not apparent to me that I need to remember not only who I am, every time it is that someone purposely harms me emotionally,  but also what I am – which is an Empath.

Because I am an Empath

Because I am an Empath, I feel things lots deeper than most, and more, I feel things that others feel, even when those others are not realizing that they are reacting to the energies that they feel within them. Because I am an Empath, and more, a water sign (most empathetic of all the water signs is the Pisces….ugh…Dannie, Greg….Jeremy…OMFG…I am right, right? I am not the only one feeling the bullshit of the entirety of mankind, right? Even though that entirety might only be the circle of souls I am the closest with….ugh…like birds of a feather…fish in the same school – this would be us..ALL of us ) I tend to confuse whose energies I am feeling most, and more, whose energies are false ones and being used by others to cover up their own pain.

In these energies are where the things which live within me (which I am no longer going to allow it, even though it is there…I can turn it into something else…I will figure it out because I always do) come out, and in these energies is where it is contained, every little hurt that I have ever had to feel and every little bit of bullshit that others have handed to me that apparently they could not handle – so they give it to others in the form of bullying and in the form of having doubts about themselves, which automatically makes a bully assume that we have these same doubts. Of course we do, but we are not going to hand them off to someone else to deal with.

They are ours to work with, but, at the same time, it is not anyone else’s right or business or duty to point out what they perceive as being someone else having flaws. The one thing that tires an Empath out the most is carrying the weight of people who do not bother to acknowledge who they are for real. People would feel so much better and lighter if they would just try harder to carry their own weight rather than placing it onto others in the form of belittlement, the form of berating, the form of bullying, the form of dismissing and not truly understanding the depths of the emotional soul.

When it comes to things that harm other people, and those people bring it to your attention, it is not a choice that you get to make in terms of who it is that you are trying to prove anything to. It does not matter what you know better or more of, and really, the things that you are fighting with others over are the things that re important to you. What makes you believe that the things that are important to others are not important, period? What makes you think that what it is that you have to say to anyone at all is somehow open to your own inability to see past what you prefer rather than what is needed by anyone else?

There is a horrid, collective mana, an energy that too many people have right now and an energy that makes anyone at all believe that somehow, things that bother them and that other people have to say are the things that others will not be affected by if you are not careful with how you present things to anyone at all. That something bothers you is one thing, but that you will continue to make light of things that bother someone else and make those things not be as important to you as they are to someone else, it only tells a person that you are just as …arrogant…as anyone else is, because in not accommodating anyone, and making those people pretty much beg for you to just simply not fuck with them in the manner that you have stated you will continue to, you are not being a healer – in fact, you are being the asshole that I am believing that you have always been, just older and more able to prettily call someone else stupid.

The only stupidity is not seeing the value in a person who is there and asking you nicely to knock your shit off.

Your refusal to do so makes you not only a bully, but a fucking phony.

Yeah bitches..I fucking said it, so, perhaps about this time is when you ought to realize you are not fucking perfect or better than anyone, and mother fucking deal with it






HANAI – No One Gets Left Behind

Ohana Mana'o Blog Lilo And Stitch

In our lives we go through a lot, mostly to know where we are in our own lives and more importantly, who is traveling with us.

…”‘Ohana” means “family.” “Family” means “no one gets left behind.” But if you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you though…” (Lilo Pelekai, Disney’s ‘Lilo and Stitch)


The importance of the people in our lives boils down to NOT what someone, anyone, is willing to do on our behalf, but down to who is always going to be there, even when things are awful. We learn about the things that are most important to us via the things that we go through that call for us to let go of things and ways of being, rather than sacrificing them, because sacrificing anything means that we have to have control of the way someone else feels about what it is that we have or have not done for them or on their behalf, with little hope that the energy will be reciprocated. By “sacrificing,” what I am saying is that there are people who we have known, the each of us, for the entirety of our lives, and in order to be “loved” and accepted by them, we have to sacrifice little pieces of ourselves, meaning that we are not the whole of our Selves, at all, and it is all because we believe that they need to love us, and worse, we actually believe that we need their kind of Love.

Most of the time, we know when and where we are being accepted by those who we most love to be with, by those who we love the very most, and those who we trust very dearly with our selves and our lives. This is who we are, we human beings – we are the people who need one another, and the people who, for all it is worth, meant to be with one another, specifically with those who are most like us.

Those who are most like us

There are several different schools of thought, many different theories and views about what is and what is not family, and what is and what is not a community, and what is and what is not one’s own ethnic values system.

Your Ethnic Values System  is NOT the same as a cultural one, because when it all comes down to the end of the thoughts we think, an ethnic values system can be thought of as being the way that you think and behave according to your locality. I am in Southern California, and this means that my ethnic values are combined with my cultural ones and voila – you have this version of a human being who is the Los Angeles Kahuna. You have this person who is tied to the shared past she has with others who also ancestrally hail from the islands known as Hawai’i, and this person who was born and raised in Los Angeles, with a ton of other people who are not like her, but just like her in that we are all one ohana. All one human family.

It might be a cultural thing, though, in some cases, that we are expected to not get along, expected to hate, for no other reason than that it is a cultural thing. When we fail to what is the past, and we carry on those traditions of hatred and ignorance, all for the sake of not having to uncover and deal with our own feelings of collective inferiority, not only are we failing in and with who we are, but more, we are allowing someone else’s issues to be our issues and allowing those others to have a tiny bit of control, not over our lives, but, over who we are to ourselves in terms of how we feel about us.

How we feel about us

We are taught how we are supposed to feel about ourselves from the people who are within the boundaries of our lives. We are taught who we are to them from a very young age, and we are shown how to behave in terms of what is expected of us.

The issues arise, though, when we are shown and taught, but are not seeing a good enough example of what is expected of us. This is where we are first shown how to be dishonest with ourselves about who we are. Other people, no matter what they say is their reason for anything, are going to damage us. We cannot make it not happen, and we are not able to stop other people – it happens and is a part of life that is unavoidable unless we are able to come away from that which we have been told is our truth according to anyone else at all. The most that we are able to do when it comes to our not being able to stop certain others from harming us emotionally is to simply just no longer be around them. In terms of our blood relations when we are children, this is a problem. Our parents tell us that they used to get along with their cousins, but they do not tell us that there were certain ones who they used to despise or that the feeling was very mutual. Still, even though we tried very dearly to not act on what we were feeling, it was hard on our little souls to fake liking someone else just because it was expected that we did.

A person may have lost what they have considered their life for the majority of it, as I am finding out right now with this injury that is more of an emotional bother than an actual physical one. We can work our lives long towards one thing, only to have it be that very suddenly and without warning, that one thing can change, and when it happens, we are lost and have no idea of what we can do about the thing that we perceive as a loss. The reason that we will see it as a loss is because it was something that we felt defined who we were and are. When I was growing up, I was told that I was a phenomenal dancer, that I was bright and bubbly and all of those other wonderful things that the word “dancer” has always had attached to it.

However, just as there is this…energy…within me, which is the very same feeling and energy that has always been there, for the entirety of my life on this planet and an energy that does not stop me from loving being that same dancer. The energy is still there, even though the knee is still healing. I write a lot about my dancing, and about why it is that I dance, but I do not go on to tell a person that within my Ohana, it is the thing that most know me for, and is the thing that is the essence that is Me. This is not to say that my Hanai (adopted) Ohana has seen my Dance at anytime in the recent past of our shared memories, but it is to say that those who know me best, know this as my essence and my energy, and those who see me most often can tell that this is my Soul coming through to them, that the reason that it seems that I can navigate through any chaos, either tangibly or in the realm of the mind, is because I have spent my life, even as I realize it now, living to a count of 8. 

Without this recollection of who I am, a lot of people would not know that this is me, that those who know me best and most are the ones who I consider my family, my ohana, regardless if whether or not there is blood, there is Aloha...and within the unit of the ohana, blood is less important than heart, soul, and Love.

While this is the very truth, what is also the very truth is that the Love that we have for our families is the love that we have for the family that we create, and the family we create might not be the one that we physically create in the biological sense, but, is the one that we create that we know we are an important part of. Without our own presence in that familial bond, and without the presence of those closest to us, we really haven’t the tiniest clue of what it means to be Ohana in the manner that is not blood, not DNA, not a same Grandmother, but, the kind that is nurtured through the ties that bind us willingly to these others who we feel as though they indeed were placed in our lives so that we would each and all know this reality called Ohana.

Unconditionally, we Love

When it comes to the love between two people, it is unmatched by much else or by much else that can be considered the Love energy prevalent within the confines of human life. We love those who we call “family,” and I know that within the confines of my own Hanai Ohana…my own adopted family…there is nothing but Love of the unconditional sort.

Sure, there are those within that familial energy who we get upset with, who irritate us, and piss us off, but, without them, we feel like our family is incomplete (hey – every family has a couple of weird cousins, a very eccentric auntie or two, at least one mahu uncle, and many elders….haha…please, keep reading…). Without those whose hurts are obvious to us, whose broken state is apparent, who are part of our lives and who need us in theirs as much as we do not realize that we need them in ours, we have no idea what the truth of compassion is. Without these broken people in our lives, and especially since way down deep inside, we know how broken we are for real, we have no mirror, and we have no one to give this hope and this honor of being part of a group whose love energy is unlike that of any other on the planet. It is the energy that is produced by this group, this energy of Love, of loyalty and of being able to depend on any one of them, sometimes at a moment’s notice, for no other reason than that we might simply need an ear (MaestroAmber…Scott…Dannie…April…Noreen…hi guys…you know I love you )and most of the time, unless they are busily trying to heal something of their own, they are there for us.

This is the reason why I have such a hard time, have had such a hard time, for the majority of my life, trying to think and accept the idea that the only family that any one of us ever truly has is the one that we are born into. I have always had the question in my head, the one that also and always asked if it were the truth that we were family, and that we were meant to love one another unconditionally and if it were that we were acceptable to them in the very manner that we are, even if the manner that we are in at any given time is one of a disheveled human being…then why was it that I always felt like I did not belong?

A lifetime of Pain…

It is not a secret – I have never truly felt like I belonged with anyone other than a very certain few within one side of my extended family. Because I do not personally want to live through that pain of remembering how I was treated by many of them from the time that I was a small child, I will simply just state here and now that there are some who I know that I can relate to, because those few and I have something in common. Whether it is hula (Hui…Kawai…pe he’a ‘oe, cousin? How are the babies?) or perhaps my intellectual pursuits (Kapiolani…Kaiulani…Ku’uipo…hi guys!) or maybe it is that we share a very strong, very unique bond, and one that is unmatched to any others and is more akin to being siblings (Eh…Pio…Wai…Mary…Kisha and Gina…Drew…Jimmy, Jeffrey and Jason…Micah…Anela…Lance…Howzit you guys?)…My entire point is that we are gifted, every single one of us, with this…radar…within, and one that never fails us.

It is the radar that, when I was a child, told me, even then, that what I was in for with at least one side of my family was not going to be very kind, told me that on some level, because of who I have always been, there would always be those people who were not able to wrap their heads around how strange and eccentric I have always been. I was not told that this would or could happen. I was told that family loves us no matter what. In my case, with exception to the very few, given how large my combined family of both sides has always been, it was something that went completely against everything that I was told was the truth. I was hurt most of the time, not for anything other than that more times than not, I was not included in a lot of things, and this was because of everything that people felt about my dad – sad, right? Sad that the way that they felt about him would trickle down to me, and sad that some of them could not see just me as me.

Then one day it hit me – they indeed WERE seeing me as me, and even they knew then what I have only known for a few years now…we were just not each others’ kind of people, and because of this, it caused me a lifetime’s worth of pain that these days, have become the thing that has actually served me better now than it hurt me then. I did not know this then, because as a child, I was learning what I needed to learn, a long lesson in what is the truth of being part of a family biologically, versus being part of a family that you know you belong with, part of a family that loves me as this me and loves me even though I am the person who can wear permanent “bitch face” if I had to.

I suppose that what I am trying to say is that we are taught, and rightly so, to have respect for our families, and to love them, but what no one tells us is that there usually comes a day in each of our lives where we are able to choose what is and what is not our personal definition of being part of a family really is. We are taught that our blood is absolute, which it is, but what no one tells us is that we are not bound by our blood to one another, but rather and only by our souls and our similar energies – even though it is blood and DNA that ties us biologically forever. We are not told that it is okay to not like our mom’s brother or our dad’s dad, and we are also not told that one day we will know the reason why we did not like them, but that when we understood, we would love them, even if it meant loving them from a distance.

We are not told when we are kids that we are allowed to like who we like, are not told that Love does not mean that someone is always going to be nice to you. We are not told that while we may well Love these other people, that we might not like them, or that it is okay that we don’t. We are not told that when we get older, the people who are the closest to us might not be those who we share DNA and a grandmother with, but will be people who we share the most memories with, people we have the most in common with, because we have spent a lot of quality time with them. We are not told that when we are able to see these things, that the pain will be monumental, and that even though it hurts and might hurt for a very long time, it will be the pain that will actually be what saves us from having to deal with that same pain, again from these very same teachers who brought it to us and kept bringing it to us.

We, instead, are told, at least a lot of us were, and even now, there are still a lot of people who think that Love between family members is automatic, is a requirement, and that the requirement is ours when it comes to “making” anyone else feel differently about us. We are forced through guilt and coercion, and if we should disagree with that guilt, that coercion, that obviously, we do not deserve the “Love” from others within our actual biological and extended, or even nuclear, families.

Then one day, it happens…

It took me a very long time to retrain my brain so that I would know who Loves me and who is only in my life to teach me the harsh lessons that I am meant to learn. It took me along time to learn that I am not bad, just different. It took me a long time to figure out that I am not worthless, because at least one person on this planet finds my presence in their lives to be a very good thing. It took me a long time to get over the things that I was taught was the truth of me, that I would have to just deal with until one day, I just chose to no longer deal with people of a shitty, hurtful nature.

It takes all of us a very long time to choose to relieve our own selves of the pains that others brought to us. And it is an arduous task at best, and the most …heart breaking thing…that any one of us will humanely give ourselves – a break,  permanently, from allowing other people to be awful to us. By “allowing” I do not mean that you are purposely walking into a situation, knowingly open to being abused, and then ultimately being harmed by someone else, and then choosing to go back and do it again and again, without good purpose or without knowing this much – that people are going to take the opportunity to be horrid to us, and because of this, we know to keep ourselves guarded against those who have this energy.

Then, one day, it happens…we end up looking at ourselves, and of course, our phones, or our emails, or photos taken recently, and realize that we actually have family to call our own. It is evidenced by the people who reach out to us, almost daily, just to see if we are okay…

We find out that all along, the people who we called our friends, at least some of them, were there and present in our lives because at the same time that we needed them, they needed us, too.

We figured out that while we might not have held any major importance to anyone with whom we share a grandparent with, we were being ourselves, and no one is at fault for that one. We figured out that what we were not given by our blood relations, our friends have been there all these years, taking care of our hearts and our souls, cradling our spirit in their arms, making sure that we know just how much we are very dearly loved.

We figure out, eventually, that our life matters to these people who do not look at all like us, but, they are just like us where it matters most, which is in the heart and soul, and especially within that boundary called Hanai Ohana, called the family we do not know we have until someone comes along one day and makes it clear to us that we are special, that we matter to them, that who we are is a needed part of who they are. We find out that what it is that they give to us is also the same thing that we give to them.

Mostly, though, we find out that we belong…and this is the most precious, most life giving and priceless gift of all.

We are given this same gift, every single day of our lives.

Indeed…I Love My Hanai Ohana…my adopted family…

You know it… I Love You All !!





The Exchange of Integrity

Money changing hands The Mana'o Blog July 1

Integrity is that thing that we exchange with others at all times. Integrity is also the thing that many tend to let go of when it is that life gets in the way.


Integrity is that thing, I am finding, by right of my own words to a very important person, that I have a whole lot of. You see, the person who inspired this writing, which would be the third one of its kind within a week’s time, gave me, without knowing that they gave me, a challenge and the sort of challenge that I cannot deny. The challenge did not directly come from them. The challenge came from the thing that I was told, this time for the second time, and this time it is nothing that I am not taking seriously, much as I have any other time. Every time, though, when it happens that I see what I see and know what I know is the truth, I find out a whole lot about people in the lives of others who like to say they will do one thing, and end up doing the other thing, and this makes us feel really badly about who we are, simply because the thing that we trusted someone else with has become the symbol of things that hurt us.

Those things hurt us because most of the time those others have been told that maybe what we are doing is not indicative of who we are, and if we are being in the energy that carries less integrity than that which we are living in for and with ourselves, and that energy belongs to someone else, then it is at that time that we need to ask ourselves a whole lot of questions. In my case, the only one that I can ask, in terms of the thing that I am writing about and the thing that caused me to have this inspiration is the idea that when someone entrusts anyone else at all with something that they know carries meaning for anyone, it is wise to hang on to the energy that is the truth that anyone else had in us at one time.

Let it be well known right now that there are not a whole lot of people on this planet who I trust very much, and when it is that someone who I considered trustworthy has proven me otherwise, namely since it is that this person has known me long enough to know, too, that anyone who I bring to their lives with the intention of helping someone else to get what they want to get going, going, and the other person who has entered into anyone’s life by merit of their knowing me, and that person fails to live up to their end of things, I have a problem with it.

I have such a problem with it that today, for the third time this week, I am here, again, writing this blog and I am here, again, trying hard to not feel like I am drowning in my own fear, in my own depths and in my own anger that has become a sadness with a thickness like that of dense cheesecake. My sadness is for a lot of reasons, but in this instance, as I have told those who are still those who I trust, but right now, that sadness is because again, and within a short time, I am cutting ties with someone who I thought was a friend and who I trusted with anything at all, but namely their word.

The words that we speak and write are all we really have. When it is that we say anything to anyone at all, we have to take care that what we say is the truth, and what we say is meant to clarify anything to anyone else. What we are doing in that clarification is simple – we are mapping our expectations. When a transaction of any kind at all takes place, there is a certain expectation of things to happen. Let’s take money, for instance. When we are given the opportunity to make a few dollars doing the thing that we love to do the most, and when it is that an agreement has been made between two or more people in terms of that money or that exchange, all involved are expected, whether it is a signature on a document, or a handshake, or an email, or even a text or phone conversation…all parties, at that moment, are agreeing to the terms of the thing being talked about, meaning that all parties are willingly doing what they all promised that they would.

The reason that I am using money as my example, even as money, while it is important, is not the very most important thing to me, because to me it is simply a tool to get things done, is because everyone knows what money can do to people.

Money and integrity

I understand that there is a lot going on in the planetary climes right now, and that a lot of the things that we held true and as ours are slowly finding their way away from us. I am not different. Just yesterday I had to face the fact that my knee was telling me, again, that I need to just put my hula aside for a bit, and do what I do better than that – write, and research. It has become the only thing that I can turn to in terms of my own and self-imposed therapy. There is no better way for a person who has been called stupid her whole life to prove that one thing different than being the person who makes that thought in my own head no longer valid. I could easily just do something related to hula, but in doing so, all I will end up doing is bring more harm to myself. If there is anyone who does not need more emotional self harm, it is me.

I could sell out, and work with another one of those per word websites, but, that will only make me mad because I know that my words are of value to people. I have been told so. I could sell out, and get help to write web content for other weirdos, but, then I have to believe in the things that I am writing on their behalf, and there is no guarantee that I am going to be paid what I know that I am worth in terms of what I can write, what I do write, and the organic manner that is the writing that I have always done, which is straight from the soul and directly into the eyes that those words are meant for. I could do a lot of things, and yes…I am willing to state now that I am not as good as a lot of writers are, and this is the thing that I believe because the simple fact is that I do not get paid to write, at least not like I did at one time, and only because I will not sell out and take orders from people who are only looking for hits to their websites.

I might be strangling myself in being this way, but this is the way that I do things – with integrity. And I cannot be any other way. I have never been any way but this way. I might do a lot of things that a lot of “saner” people would never do, but the bottom line is that I remain with my integrity, no matter what, and under no circumstances will I allow myself to lower my standards. There are people who want to believe that I have lowered myself to what they want to believe is a level of lowered that only they can see and is about them in certain ways, but even in that thought they are incorrect – I do not see bad things in others if those bad things are not backed up with a certain level of intention. When I see that people are doing things that are going against the thing that they have agreed to, I am automatically seeing what is their intention.

Integrity and Intention

Our integrity is something that we cultivate on our own and without any help. It is brought to us by means of others who have almost no integrity. We learn who we are and who we are not, not only to others but to ourselves, through the level of integrity that others have and are willingly displaying to us through their words and their actions that they show to us. I have been shown my own level of integrity in terms of who I am, and I KNOW that I have not let myself down, meaning that I know, too, that I have not let anyone else down, namely those who are closest to me.

However, those who I thought I might be able to trust with my …trust in them…has been cracked, and in that cracking I have found that I have been duped and that the thing that will be told to me, even though I am not hearing any of it, is just these others trying hard to get around the idea that somehow, their lives are so harsh on them, that they allowed something to slip their mind, for a long time, and that they already know what it was that was so crucial to anyone else that the agreement be kept confidential, as well as said same agreement be kept, period. The reason that the agreement needed to be kept is not just the part that was the representative of the integrity – money – but the truth of the person with whom anyone would make any agreement with. Let it be known now that whenever someone makes an agreement with anyone else, that what you are exchanging is NOT tangible things, but, trust.

Trust is built upon the integrity of others

I am saying it, so deal with it – if you have been operating at less than your own self-set level of integrity, and with my assuming that your own level is as high as it ought to be, then you are not only robbing others of your own self-set goodness, but you are also robbing your damned self of it. When agreements are not kept by all sides, it makes us feel like we somehow are going to lose everything, just because one or more persons have chosen to deal with their own …less than high level of integrity that they expect others, or maybe don’t expect others to have. This is the reality that right at this moment, is mine and this is the reality that lots of people have brought to me not just in the past, but in the recent past, and this is the reality that starts a snowball effect of everything else going wrong in the lives of those whose integrity IS what it is supposed to be (and ought to be) at all times.

What this means is that say you borrowed something from someone. Let’s use clothing for this example – you borrow something that means a whole lot to someone else. You beg that person to please return your item by a specified time, and you trust this person to at least bring it back within a day or two, expecting that like all human beings, the person who is borrowing the dress to at least return it within a respectable amount of time to you.

One day, you are invited to an event that calls for something decently dressy. You call the person who borrowed the item, and they are not able to be reached, by phone, by text, and they do not respond to your emails, either. The event you have been invited to is a fundraiser, and it calls that you wear something demurely smashing, and you call the person again, and again…still, no answer.

And now, you are pissed. (OK I was pissed…keep reading…)

You think that this person has become like all others, and soon you are lumping all others into this pile of others who have less than an acceptable level of integrity. Finally, on the day of this event, you get the dress back. Not only is the dress NOT clean, there are food and wine stains on it, and the person who borrowed it is coming up with all kinds of excuses as to why they did not bring the item back, and they even have the very nerve to have an attitude with you.

Here you were, waiting all this time, knowing that you would have given back that dress in at least the same shape that you borrowed it in, and you are now upset that this person who called themselves a “good friend” has brought this item to you in the manner that they did, with the attitude that they did, and at that moment, you do not realize that you have been shown their truth.

You know it is their truth, but you do not want to believe that it is their truth. You want to see that person in the manner that you would see a stranger, because that is, in that moment, what that person becomes to you. You have experienced the truth of someone else, in this manner, and it is believable and only because the manner in which the other person has brought to you the thing that they think is the truth of you – that you would be cool with it if they didn’t bring your item back to you just the same way it was when you loaned it to them. This was not only them exposing their own truth about themselves, but also will cause any thinking human being without cause to believe otherwise (meaning that at least a return phone call or an email regarding the dress would have at least made the reason for the late return believable) that they were living up to the level of integrity that they always showed you.

Just because someone says something, unless it is that the things that they have said otherwise would tell you not to loan that dress to them, when it is loaned to them, it is you having your experience with them as the thing that caused you to borrow the dress. You wanted to believe your friend, wanted to believe that the words they told you were the truth, wanted to make certain that on both ends, you were both covered. And you did your part – you did exactly what you said you would do, and you loaned your friend that dress, which was one of your most favored ones, and you gave that friend the respect that you have always afforded them.

Then, they did not return the dress. And now you are looking at the dress in its nasty, dirty, stained and B.O. smelling state, and all you can think about at that point and after you have gone through the anger, is why it is that someone you trusted with something so valued by you would return something to you in the shape they did, having the shitty attitude they had, and expecting you to understand why they ended up being the shitty person who they were to you in returning the dress in the manner that they returned it. They gave you every excuse they could, and did not think one moment about why it is that you needed that dress back. You don’t even know why you needed it back, given that you have a closet full of dresses that could be worn to that fancy-shmancy shindig.

The reason…

The reason is simple – we know who we are, and we know that for the most part, we are who we hang with. This lends to the thing that is really bothering me and the thing that is not going to be mentioned here. Those who need to know about the exchange that I am writing about already know.

The reason why it is that anyone will do things in the manner that are less than filled with integrity is because those who are less than filled with integrity are learning that if you operate below the level of the initial exchange, and you operate in the manner that is only about your own self, without regard to what others are also going through, and you choose to do like you have in the past and disregard that perhaps what was needed was that the agreement be seen to and that the transactions be known for what they are, in black and white, so that there is a very high level of clarity.

That anyone will entrust another person with the things that they have to offer and are tangible is one thing, but, to believe that those with whom we make any agreements with are not going to mind very much if we do less than what was agreed to is believing that there truly IS beach-property in Arizona, and that dolphins can be seen frolicking in the dry lakes after a downpour in Death Valley – meaning that you are fooling yourself if you think that the person or persons who you have made any agreements with, even if they are assumed agreements and ones that are clarified at some point, and they are agreements that you looked someone else in the eye and made, and you, yourself, were not in the middle of a pot of shit soup that life threw at you…

…I have beach front property in Kingman, Arizona….

(Ummm…no…no I do not….that would be a lie….I do not lie…)

If you want other people to live up to the standard of integrity that you know you operate at, demand it, even silently. Become that loud voice, the one that rings only in the thoughts and the halls of people who need to feel badly, even though they obviously don’t, for real, about the way that they would assume anyone would be “cool with it” if an agreement has not been kept. Agreements are not only those things that we deal with in business, but also in life. When someone is depending on your integrity to make the words that you speak become the actual truth, it means that they have entrusted you to keep your word and to live up to what you were entrusted with…

…which is not those who you want understanding why it is that you have nothing but excuses (because even silence is very telling), even though you have the means to return a dress, or return borrowed money, but you actually telling them what you think of them, and what you think of you. If you have no issues that are truly pressing right this moment, and you know that you have the means to return the proverbial dress, then fucking do it already…

Your integrity is already showing, because of the silence…

(I really loved that dress…)




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