We believe what we are told, rather than who we are for real.
“In your face” means lots of things, not always something or someone is “in your face” the way we have been taught it means.
Sometimes, what is the truth, what is New is literally IN YOUR FACE…in your expressions and the way that you grimace or smile or talk without saying word. Iʻm wordy, but, I Am one who talks elegantly without muttering a sound…itʻs called Hula…
You might have thought I was talking about American Sign Language or maybe some other way …but…nope – Hula.
I speak Dance fluently.
And I do so without saying one damned word.
Lots of people do. Itʻs a thing with us Maolis….
As a species, the human race has chosen, for as long as we all have been taught and told to, that there is always someone better than we are, at anything. This is the truth except for one time in our lives…that time is when we are being who we are for real.
Being who we are for real is not easy, and there are people in our lives who love us for being who we are for real and right now OR, they will be upset that we are not who we used to be, because maybe who we used to be was way more accommodating than we are now. We listen to everyone elseʻs opinion of who we are, and the part that confuses all of us is that we know we have been working on who we are, but it feels like no one else but our closest people know this, too.
I have this problem.
My closest people are constantly telling me about what they see in me, that I Am the best me they have ever known, and sometimes, they even tell me the things that make this true because I MAKE IT TRUE.
Yet, and ridiculously so….the person who is not believing it is always ME.
I am sure that to an extent, this irritates them, because there are times that I can recall my telling them, without straight up telling them, that I did not believe them, that what they see in me is pretend and that I am just wearing that Leo Rising for the benefit of the world, when really, it benefits no one but me.
But for me to benefit from any goodness within me, I have to believe it exists. I have to believe that as much as the bad things are there and in my face, so are the good things.
When you have been told who you are and what you are all of your life, by people who likely donʻt spend a lot of time with you anymore, and theirs is the only opinion that you think matters, things start to get really difficult. It happens this way because for all of our lives, we have been trained via repetition. This repetition becomes the ongoing recording in our heads that plays through our memories and keeps us controlled by the past.
The voice that is there is our own, even though always, it was someone else…someone parental or in an authority position with us whose voice it was initially. That voice is why lots of therapist types, lots of coaches, talk about that person called “The Child Within.”
The Child Within is that part of us each that literally lives in the past, in our thoughts and memories and is completely not aware that the person who is us is lots older now and that person has had experiences that make that under or even undeveloped part of our Selves feel like we are bad, or that we have nothing to give, or that what we are experiencing is (tangibly) not our fault. It is the part of us which feels every single failure, that does not tell us that it is the person who fails all the time who becomes the master of his or her own life, and that does not come without some sort of doing, on our part, to parent that memory towards evolving itself and in the manner that we do not have any clue of how to do.
Think this way – if you have kids, when you first heard the kid cry, the world was no longer all about you. When we are talking about the Child Within we are also talking about that part of us who taught us how to be actual parents in the way that we did not have our own parents be with us.
I say it all the time….in my own memories, the presiding and ever-present energy was control, was being told who I was and never being allowed to make mistakes on my own. This was not me – this was my parents not being very sure of themselves in bringing me into this world and not wanting to have to deal with those voices in their own heads telling them that the way to raise a kid is how you were raised.
I went through that but not for very long at all. Jeremy was not me. I was not, am not, my mother.
It did not take me long after that to also do the thing that not all of us sees us doing – I became the mother, the parent that I did not have, and in knowing that my kidsʻ father had really ugly childhood, I became a single mom, even with his presence in their lives for as long as we could all stomach his bullshit….and even and all the way to that point, I was and am the mom and the parent that I did not have.
What that did for me, is still doing for me and what sometimes I do not see there because it is totally in my face, is that this is the very truth of me. I became the parent(s) who I did not have, and in kind, I have these kids who even though they experience failure, they do not experience it as the ugly feelings about who they are and no way do they believe that I will judge them for being human.
They are aware of who they are, how they got to be who they are to this point and most of all, the voice in their head that is the recording of whatever is their shortcomings, is not my voice, are not their words but that of their fatherʻs, perhaps my fatherʻs, too, and very surely their auntʻs, who is my parentsʻ other…daughter…sort of….
Needless to say, based on the way they handle emotional things, I have done very well, namely with my younger two….they had less time with their father.
Big kid is getting there, and will get there when he is ready and not when anyone else expects for him to….not even, and especially ME.
(And dammit Big Boy GET BACK TO SCHOOL ALREADY…. YEESH !)
I taught them that the past no longer exists, that the version of them in the past is gone and is like all the people who have gone on before them….gone….
The past seems like a lot of fun, and it might have outwardly been that way for a lot of us but the truth is that even if we wanted to, we cannot live there – it does not exist. If we choose to put all of who we are right now on the person who we used to be, we are going to have to keep going through what we have been through that tends to keep us thinking that we are not good enough for the life that we want.
The reality is that all of us knows better.
We all know the truths of things, and we all know that who we used to be is no longer here and the actuality of it is that we were lots more comfortable then, because we were masterful at being ourselves.
Here we each and all are now and trying to create our new lives with our old ways. Our old ways of doing things worked when we were our former selves. Our former selves who were brought into this world to be those people at the times that we were those people have come and gone and we have, hopefully, learned from it all. If we have not, then we are, whether we like it or not or want it that way or not, put through the same things over and over again. By this I mean that we wake up everyday with one thing that seems to haunt us forever, as though what we want is so out of reach that nothing we do will work…and the worst part is that we believe that we are not worthy for those things, people or the life that we see there.
And ALL OF US shudder when we think about the work on ourselves that is involved with all of this.
It hurts to think that we are not all the shit on a stick we have bullshitted ourselves in to believing that we are. We end up going with our habit of downplaying our strengths, focusing on our weaknesses, and inviting the pattern of our own behavior to stay in the driverʻs seat, not even thinking that because we believe the old stuff, that somehow we are at fault.
This causes us to believe that we are not ever going to get out of the spiral of behavior, which is really what happens – based on our past successes, we go with what worked when we were someone else and at another time in life when who and what we were and what we thought of ourselves was right – those situations, people and life lessons needed that version of ourselves so that we would be able to navigate it all. Some of us thought we had it neatly under our control when in fact we were just following the energy that we needed to so that, in that energy, and in all of those things that happened, we would be able to learn and grow into who we were needing to become so that we could handle all of it.
Some of all of it was great and it all felt really good and we were in that thought that we would be the badasses we were at that time ….and therein lies the whole ball of wax – who we were at those times was who we needed to be and who we created ourselves as being.
Thing is….we do not stay that way.
Life gives us everything that we can handle.
It is our egos that tell us that we have nothing left to give, or, that if someone else does not want us in their lives, that there is a flaw with us when in reality, we are not giving those other people the same energy that we expect to get from anyone, and believe it when I state that no matter how lovely anyone elseʻs lives might appear, internally they may be going through the very same kinds of things but in another area of life.
We are who direct it all.
We are the main character in our own lifeʻs story.
No one thinks this way because we have not ever been told this, and because throughout the time in our childhood that we were being TOLD who we OUGHT TO BE in accordance to and with the script that anyone else, usually our parents when we are children, creates for us, we are not able to think those thoughts.
No child is.
Not even the brainiac kids – they are kids, and they will be kids, even with their high IQs. Yeah I blame the parents.
I am one of those…parent people, and I know, because I have done it myself, that there is a lot of value for them if we listen to them, as this allows them to also listen to themselves.
I listened to what my parents wanted for me, and ended up with the wrongest man on the planet as my kidsʻ father. Little did I think at those times when I was getting my ass kicked and when it hurt so badly to be that me that what I was learning, versus whatever it was that anyone was bringing to me (and told me that they were “going to teach me a lesson” that I would not forget…and they were right – I canʻt forget how they blamed me for what happened to me…the only time that I am responsible is when I am not holding myself accountable for my NOT righting things for me after the fact…keep reading…) which were two different things completely.
The horrific part about us and this one fact about us is that because we have been raised to pay attention to what can hurt us, BUT we have no idea what we can do that will only hurt temporarily, and will hurt because there are truths about who we are and who we have become that we know not a thing about, that we cannot accept, whether good or bad, because we were not taught to and more importantly, we think we cannot change because we have no clue of how to fix who we are.
The reason why we do not know how to fix who we are is because we are truly NOT who we ARENʻT….you may have to read that twice. If you need a way to make it easier to think about….
You are this particular broken person, because who you no longer are cannot fix The New You. And you are Creating your life from the rubble. Artists do it all the time…they are called mosaics.
While it might seem that this New You is somehow more broken than the old you, that is only because you cannot see what is so apparent and there in your face – It Is A New You.
The New You scares the shit out of you, with good reason – it is worried that the old you is going to talk shit, and sometimes, the old you does. This is because the old you does not want to die, but, what the old you does not realize is that it really does not exist anywhere any longer than right there in the head of the New You.
This means that no matter what in the holy fuck you want to believe, the old you is GONE.
The New You is trying to make you see that You need to work on You and that trying to relive how the old you did and even THROUGH the old you is pissing off The New You.
What this means is that everything that bothered the old you no longer exists either, because that person is not here – only the New You is. That means that what might look like a huge mess, and may truly even be that, is not for the old you to try to figure out – that is the responsibility of the New You. The New You looks at You in the mirror and sees an older version of the old you.
And…the old you canʻt hang, I promise. It can only hang on. It does not want to accept that it is gone, and in its place is the opportunity to let The New You shine through, if only the old you would stop getting in the way.
The New You is as terrified, by the way, of becoming All You Really Are, and the old you knows this, too, and that is why that fucker hangs on. It might feel like the best version of you, but, you have not even bothered to see and know and believe and even (oh my fucking gawd ….fuck no way…) that it is way WAY better than the old egotistical (read: arrogant, ignorant and no way as fucking smart as The New You Is) you who really is not even as smart as The New You Is. The New You, I PROMISE is AS SCARED IF NOT MORE, and the old you does not want to die, all for the thing that already exists, which is The New You, that the old you keeps on trying to hurt.
The New You drew all the people who are there now, and even if they are not physically there, The New You KNOWS this is the truth, but the old you? The old you wants to think that no one gives a shit, wants you to believe that you ainʻt at all what you wanted to be at this point, so why not let the old you win…meaning that everyone else does, too, meaning that the things that you know are not the truth suddenly and quickly become that truth….and then the old you gets mad because The New You is more mad at the thought that the old you has been bullying The New You.
The only thing that the old you does is try to hide or blur all the mirrors that reflect The New You. It is up to The New You to decide when to look at the mirror and ponder what You see, and it is no longer even connected with the old you in terms of what The New You cannot see but that is, by right of all of the reflections in the mirrors not hanging on any wall….mirrors on the wall being looked at first is an old you thing.
The New You needs feedback that tells You that You are okay, that you hurt, but that you got this far and you are not done yet. The New You is tired, but that is because everything is New, like The New You.
After a life time of listening to what the old you thought was kick ass, it is not easy to listen to anyone who is New….including and especially The New You.
The New You does not see there what is there, by right of the bullshit that You now as this New You will not ever tolerate. The New You canʻt deal with trifling energies that have not a thing to do with Life now as it is, but not as you know,as The New You knows, that it has to be created. Your old life does not fit The New You. The New You is way too big in the Soul ….this scares the shit out of the old you that no longer exists.
The only thing that exists is Love.
In order for there to be Creation, on any level, there must be Love.
The New You is now here because You loved the old you enough to want to see what The New You is capable of….
…so do I.
So should You. So should WE ALL.
Let The New You choose to Believe that what scares you is NOT what you think you are NOT, but, That which You KNOW YOU ARE….
Hahahahaa…I told you -You would have to reread it…think about it
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