Monthly Archives: August 2013

Strangeness

There’s a lot going on right now for all of us. Sometimes, we need assistance. Be nice to people – you have no idea who you are dealing with and those “people” may be of the angelic sort…

No doubt about it, things are strange these days. More and more of us are learning to use these new strange gifts that we only now have found out that a whole lot of us have. When I say ‘gift,’ I totally mean of the astral sort. Things that we should not know, we know, and things that we want to know, we learn, almost immediately. That which is meant to teach us comes to us like a feather on the wind. And all of these great things that come about just at the moment that we need them to, along comes into our lives these new people. Some of these new people are strange to us when we first meet them, and it is because our whole lives long we have been given to the idea that what we are told that we should believe we end up no longer believing, and this is actually a good thing. It is a good thing because too many of us want to believe that someone other than us has a clue that is more trustworthy than is our own measure of who we are.

Our own measure of who we are becomes evidenced by the people who come into our lives at this time in our collective lives. At this moment in time, collectively we are being brought to the task of elevating our very selves, because very soon the reality will be what the majority of us believes it is meant to be – globally, we will finally be One in thought, in heart, in soul, and always in Unison with one another. As it is, there are people within your own inner circle whose lives you actually feel, whose emotions you are well aware of, whose very thoughts are like your own, and this is not something that is a bad thing, because anymore now we are not so inclined to think thoughts that are damaging. I mean, yes, there are always going to be people on the planet with us who will always just roll that way, but for the majority of us right now, the truth is that we know who we are and yes, we found out this much by the new people who have arrived in our lives. Some of them are meant to be only a lesson, while others of them are permanent because at this time in our collective lives, too, there is a great awakening and soul families are reuniting on this plane for the purpose of carrying out our mission.

Included in these soul families are people who you have never known on this plane or in this lifetime but who you know upon first glance, and it is the familiarity with these people that keeps us there, because we are that same familiarity that they also know. We know each other upon first glance. There is always just something there that never leaves us, and we also have this thought in our heads, not that we will lose these people, but that we have to be able to be with them, no matter what. We have to be able to do our work in this lifetime with them because that is what is going on now – we are meeting up with our soul families, and it is a beautiful thing. The thing about a soul family is that, outside of the idea that we are all of the same spiritual “stuff,” so, too are we given the thoughts in our heads that some of these people are not just human. Some of these people are Earth Angels, and all of these people serve a very important part in our lives. I can think of a few of these people in my own life right now who know that this is the truth because they also know that since we have shown up in one another’s lives, no matter if it was 5 years ago or last week, that there is just something about them that we cannot ignore, will not deny and have to be around, no matter what.

It is the familiarity, the energy that is shared between us that makes this so. It is the idea that one day we cried out to the Goddess and in kind, while we were thinking that She was ignoring us, like the Mother Who She Is, Spirit sent us an angel in human form, sent to our lives someone who could, without being too hurtful to our pride and our sensitive ego, help us grow and help us evolve and help us to become who we are for real.

Who we are for real, the each of us, is the Higher Self. That we come in the package that we do is one thing, but that we just seem to know who is here to help us and more, who we are here to help, is very, very cool. That we instantly Love these new people who come to our lives is not something that is sick and demented, but literally sent by Spirit to our lives, because the truth really is that Mother Knows Best. Mother Goddess knows always what and who we need, and also knows who is to be in what roles in our lives, knows who we are for real, and wants us to also know who we are for real. This is the reason that we are sent who we are sent. This is why it is that sometimes, while we are in the throes of whatever magnificent BS we find ourselves in, when it counts and when we need them the most, Spirit sends us these people to our lives who become permanent and who are also and can totally be thought of as the Angels who we asked assistance from.

That’s right – in our midst in this time in history we are literally being visited, gifted, given other people to help us understand who we are, help us see what is the truth of us, help us understand the higher thoughts we are all having at this time in our lives. It is not a midlife thing, and neither is it because you might not be with the person who you once were with, or that you no longer, by choice even, hang with the same group you once did. This is Spirit at work, is the Goddess in us each who tells us that we are so not alone, that when we cried out to Her for Her help, instead of Her being that Who came to us in our time of need, She visited us with others who are like us, who look and act like us, who love the same things that we do, who might even know the very same people we do. None of what you are seeing, feeling, hearing, knowing is a mistake. The way that you feel about these people is not unusual. There is always going to be this familiarity with them, all of them, and no matter what, wherever you are, they are there, too, and you know this because you feel it and can sense it all the way down in the bones of your soul.

We know who it is who is and will always be there for us. We know that we can count on Spirit to bring to us what it is that we need, and for the most part we also know that we can do just about anything that we try to and if we find that we are not able to get through some things, there is always someone there to assist us, no matter what. Think of the last time that you ran into something that just bothered you to no end, and that one thing kept just creeping up your okole, and then one day you cried out to the bigness that is Spirit.

Then, one day, almost magically, they showed up, almost on the wings of angels, in human form, right there in your face, and you could not believe it.

The moments that we find ourselves in the throes of anything that is ugly to us, that is hurtful to us, that makes us crazy from the sameness of it all, remind yourself that never have you been alone, and that always, somehow, there was help.

Always, somehow, Spirit knew what we each needed when we needed it, and always, as we now know, we have never been truly alone, never not been cared for …never ever not been Loved….

I Love You All
ROX



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Trust is Tangible

You are proof that Trust is a tangible thing

Please don’t get me wrong – by stating that you being in the presence or lives of people makes it so that you trust them or that they trust you is NOT what I am talking about. Abuse survivors know one thing is truth – we all know that trust is a thing that has to be in any relationship or else it turns into a master/servant thing at best, and well, we all know what happens that can mark the part that is “at worst.” 

By my stating and thinking that trust is a tangible thing and that you are proof of it is that all abuse survivors end up with new people in our lives, people who we may have had the luck of coming into contact with a second time around, or people who we never met before and that all of us have to relearn how to trust other people. It is not an easy thing to do, either. We all want to have people in our lives, all want to be loved and cherished and want to have closeness with people, but how we handled not being trusted by the ones who were supposed to trust us, and the ones who made us work for their trust even as they demanded that we not question their trustworthiness, how we handled others not trusting us for no reason at all versus how we handle our being able to trust anyone at all after the fact are two very different things.

That anyone who has gone through something as awful as any kind of abuse is one thing, but to expect that anyone who has gone through it at all and come out at the other end able to deal with things and also able to try and trust other people again is almost impossible to believe, given  the circumstances, that anyone in that situation can trust again. Trust is not easy. Once it has been fractured it takes a bit of time to regain it, not in the person who broke it, but with anyone. Abuse survivors know what it is to feel like no one and no one’s words can be trusted, and we find out that no matter how many excuses we are willing to make for people who have done us wrong, at the bottom of it all we know what is the truth, and the truth is that trusting others is not only something that needs to be regained in us, but more, is something that we have to try hard not to falter on. 

We second guess everything and everyone, but no one more do we do this with than ourselves. You have to remember that we have been physically assaulted, accused of cheating, of lying, of stealing, of doing things that are all chalked up to an assumption, and the assumption is the thing that keeps an abuser in control. They want to own us, not love us, because they have no idea the truth that is Love. This is what we, the abused and the formerly abused, know as our reality. We have a hard time taking people for their word, and we have an even harder time with trusting ourselves with trusting anyone, ever again. When a survivor of abuse comes into your life, it is a gift. It is a gift because you have the opportunity to watch trust become a part of a person’s life. 

Too often in life we take for granted that we will be trusted, and then one day we meet someone who we trust our whole self with and that one person ends up breaking that trust, either by not trusting us or outright accusing us for doing things that we would never do. It is immediate that we have to try hard to come out of our selves, to reach out and to be with people who, at the onset, we so dearly want to trust – and it hurts to not trust another person. As humans we are not meant to be anything other than with each other, and when the trust has been broken we become confused as to how it is that this happened. We do not know when it started, all we do know is that it hurts, that it cuts all the way to the bones, all the way to the soul. The first thing that anyone experiences with someone who is going to put us to task with our ability to trust others is the idea that we are not anywhere near good enough to be taken for the words that are coming out of our mouths. When all you have is the words that you speak, and someone who is meant to just trust you because we so readily trust them, does not extend that same energy in return, it creates a climate of “master/servant.”

When we have to beg to be who we are, and beg to be able to feel okay with ourselves and someone who we wanted at one time to so dearly trust us, and they think the thoughts that they do that make it difficult for those who have been abused, those who have survived the abuse, those who are still in the throes of the abuse to be able to get out of that mold, that energy that we do not fit into, but that we are being told is who we are. When we are not allowed to be who we are, this creates a serious sense of mistrust. It is an energy that tells us each that who we are is not good enough to be trusted, that we are “not up to spec” with the person who we gave our whole selves to. Our whole self is the only thing that we really can claim to having and when it is that we are told that who we are somehow is not good enough to behave in a manner that is befitting of someone who is meant to be loved and means only to love, and we get told, perhaps not in so many words that the way we are is so irritating to another person and that we feel like we are not even liked by them, let alone loved, it creates an energy of mistrust – not only in other people, but more, and sadly, within ourselves. 

Trust is a tangible thing, a tangible energy, much as is everything, because trust is us. We are the embodiment of trust. We are trust come to life. When an abuse survivor can become trusting with themselves is when it becomes tangible, because with that trust in ourselves also comes the luxury of just being able to sit in our skin and finally, after many, many years, we can feel our wholeness coming back to us, can feel like we are meant to be this person who we have fought so long and so hard to be again. My thought about not being trusted is that because an abuser is such an insecure person with their own selves and with their own thoughts and essentially are not happy with themselves, they must find others to help them understand this part of them, and the best person to do that is someone who is like them in opposition. 

To believe otherwise- that we are anything other than the most purest of evidence that trust is a tangible thing, is to take away the things from us, the lessons that we learned, which tell everyone, including ourselves, that we have not been through everything that we know we have been. It is like telling a child that he or she has no reason to fear the monsters in the closet after we have told them that monsters exist. The only monsters that exist are those who are willing to breach our trust and expect that we should just deal with the idea that who they are in their own mind is so important to the benefit of mankind that somehow, to not trust them and their words and their actions is somehow a sin against man and nature.

The idea that we are not willing to trust them as well as a lot of other people is not giving credence to the fact that we know what we went through, we know how we felt and now, how we feel. We know that who we are is important, and we also know that there is an energy between us and our abusers, no matter who they are or where they are, that only with our own ability to rebuild trust in ourselves and for ourselves, that there will never be trust for another again until that happens. 

This is how we know that we are trust come to life. Because we are cautious, because we hurt, because we bear the scars and the wounds of the battle within ourselves is why it is that trust is a tangible thing. 

It is tangible because in order to trust someone enough to love them, we must be able to give ourselves to them, in every way that we can imagine.

Without trust within, there can never be trust on the outside, either…

I Love You All
ROX



This is how we do it…

It isn’t like we don’t deserve it….all of it…

Whatever it is, the party’s underway  So tip up your cup and throw your hands up 
And let me hear the party say 
I’m kinda buzzed and it’s all because…
This is how we do it…” (“This is how we do it” by Montell Jordan)


No matter what it is and no matter who you are, you have to admit, these last few weeks have been a very dear pain in the okole, but it was not at all for anything other than to prepare us all for right this moment. 

Right this moment
Right this moment, at least in my world, there is a whole lot going on and most of it is all change. While I do not fear change, I also am not that thrilled about it when I am experiencing it, and right now I am experiencing it on every level of my life. The things that used to bother me no longer are that big of a deal, and the things that I didn’t care about suddenly need my attention. When it was that any of my friends were hurting or in need of something, I was right there for them without hesitation, but these days I find that I am very picky about who does and who does not warrant my immediate attention. Those who warrant my immediate attention know that this is their place in my life, know that when they call on me, I am right there, at the ready, no matter what, and on their behalf alongside them I will fight the good fight with them, will be there to hold their hand, to wrap my entire being around them, make sure that they are okay. They each know who they are, too, and after a long year of “oh NO! not another Shift!” I know exactly who I can trust enough to just say anything to and not have to worry about them being too offended by the idea that I had the nerve to tell them either through my words, my actions, or my energies, that I love them enough to not want to see them hurt or worried or anything that would cause them these energies.

On the other side of that is the idea that there have been a whole lot of people who have entered my life within these last twelve months who have each found out that there are some things that I will not deal with, that I will not ever accept as being okay and will not ever, ever allow into my own awareness, and without my asking them specifically to do so, they have, at least for the moment, left my life, allowing me to breathe a little, rest a little, Be who I am without having to be outshined and neither my issues not tended to because they and their giant egos were too busy taking up every bit of my every free ounce of energy that they had no right to take from me. And yes, take – when we allow people in who are not that great as human beings, they tend to take things from us, energetically and even physically at times, and it is these ones who seem to be the very parts of us that we have to clean up.

The parts that need cleaning up

I like having parties. I like going to parties. I like preparing for them, and I even like to clean up afterwards. There is just something about a gathering of people celebrating for whatever reason, or sometimes no reason, and it is this way because I love to celebrate people and their accomplishments. I love to be in the company of people who I love the most and see them being honored in a manner that is that of the heart and soul within us. And yes, I did say that I like to clean up afterwards and it is because I get to see how much of the food is left over. Left over food reminds me of the left over stuff that we have in our lives that no longer serve us, no longer lend to the learning, and it is time now that we have to clean up the messes that were left by us from the parties in the past, so to speak, and it is time for us to no longer celebrate our past victories because folks…there is a lot coming to us in the coming weeks and months ahead. Some of it is gonna hurt, and some of it is gonna suck but all of it will lead to the life that we are each meant to live, and by my count that RULES !

I would love to sit here and tell you all that it is going to be a breeze from here on out, but I can’t. If all of the crap that is happening in your own personal life at this very moment is not enough to tell you that whatever it is that is buggin’ in your life at the moment is meant to happen, is supposed to teach us each our own lessons of what our lives are all about. Your life is your story, is your best selling novel that doesn’t ever end. This is your life, your baby, you are the creator of it. Right now we all have a bit of stuff to clean up, have things to clarify to the Universe that we want or do not want in our lives. Now is the time that we have each asked for, and there are a lot of us who are just not ready to clean. To those people I have to say that that indeed is a very sad thing, because what is about to happen for the entirety of us all is not going to happen for you if you are too busy cleaning up yesterday’s trash instead of being in the center of your own universe.

STOP !

STOP being the one person who everyone leans on. This was the sin that I was in, all the time. I was overextending myself to and for all of the wrong people, people who were no way at all helping themselves out of anything and only helping themselves to my energies. This is not saying that they were not worthy of it, but that I had no business trying to save them – that is their thing, not mine. That I shared my energies with them is one thing, but for them to not learn to cultivate theirs is another thing all together. It is not and was not that they were essentially wrong in being who they are, but wrong in the sense that I cannot be used like aspirin, can’t be told that I am supposed to be there for people who will not be there for themselves by the very people who are supposed to be there, on their own, yes, with my assistance, but most assuredly not my shoulder to stand on.

The time is now, guys…right now, for all of us to clean up what it is that is not yet done. This could be anything. Those of us who are already seeing the future as we want it to be are also the very ones who are prepared for this, the last part of the shift in consciousness that is upon us. We have to be prepared for it, all of it, because for a long, long time now we have all wanted dearly to see the changes that we have intuited, and lots of us are afraid to take it all on. Lots of us are just worn out from all of the evolving that we have done and we don’t even see what it is that we have done, and I promise you that what has already been done was done by our own hand, by our own thought process and whether or not we believe it, was done because we called it into being. Now there are a lot of us who cannot begin to think about what is ahead of us and most of those people who cannot see what is there are also not prepared for the changes ahead. The changes ahead call for us to be ready and willing to be everything we are each meant to be. 

None of us can think to stop ourselves from having to change anything about us, because there are facets of us each that have to grow along with the things that are happening to us all, and if we are not willing to deal with it all, we will not ever be and if we are not ever going to be ready for the little things, how can we hope to be ready for the big things?

But there are those of us who have been prepared…

While we might not like it, and we might not want to have to think about there being more for us to do, the fact of the matter is that there is still a little bit of work for us to do, still a little bit more for us to deal with and all of it worth every tear, every time you went into a blind rage, every single little thing that hurt, that bothered you, anything.

There are those of us who are ready for whatever is left, and it is a beautiful thing indeed when we trip over our own selves and when it seems like there is no other way around the things that hurt us, scare us, make us ache.

…so, let me tip my cup to you all, raise the glass and voices to the grand cosmos above for those of us who know the work is worth it.

To the rest of you…well, I hope you eventually get it in terms of what you are going through.

I Love You All
ROX

I hope they’ve learned as much as I have

It is hard to let go when you don’t want to…namely, when you know it is best you do

There are things that I know I have to do. I have to do the laundry. I have to prepare for school, for widowhood, for lots of things. So the one thing that I need to do very dearly is simply to let people who try hard to break me, who will not bother with telling me what is their truth, and who hide behind their fear…well, let’s just say that I am tired of my intelligence being insulted, and I am sick to death of being told one thing only to find out otherwise. We shall also say that this is not completely a goodbye, not really a “good riddance,” but more my own way of seeing what needs to be purged from my life, and the one thing that I know needs to be purged from my life are those who seem not to be able to release the old so as to make room for the new and the better. 

In essence, this is not really a goodbye, but more along the lines of letting some folks who need to learn about themselves and then try harder to grow out of their old patterns so that they can realize the new part of them. It is this new part of themselves that is trying hard to escape the old patterns, but it is the old part – the part of them that requires no work to change for their own good and their own life purpose, and which is also the part of them that is connected to their Ego sense. Recall that when I talk about the “Ego sense,” that I am talking about that part that resides in each of us that is scared to grow because it will take too much time, or it will hurt to much to try to change the things about us and the habits and the ways that we make ourselves not have to feel our own life’s pains to become what they are each meant to be. What they are each meant to be are lessons, are teachers to our lives, and sadly, there are a lot of folks who, for one reason or another, are having a hard time trying to get to that place that they know they want to be but for the life of them just seem not able to overcome what it is that plagues them.

What plagues them, essentially, is fear. Humans are taught to fear and to not question. We are taught that we have to use other people, have to try to hide a piece of who we are so that no one can see the reality that is ours, and we are scared as hell of being judged because we do not want our truth to be made everyone else’s truth. Everyone else’s truth never has to be our truth, but sometimes we buy it. Sometimes we buy other peoples’ bullshit. No where else is this more prevalent than in the lives of the abused and formerly abused. Those who have been abused tend to think in a way that is always “how can I not ever have to feel that way again?” and the most unfortunate part of this is that there are many who are in one of these two groups of people who will easily turn to things outside of themselves that eventually causes them to turn ON themselves. It is like when an octopus is feeling anxiety and starts eating its own self – this is what happens when we are more inclined to do what we have always done in order to escape the pain of our lives. 

Then the “fun” thing that happens after that is that those who are choosing without realizing that they are choosing to habitually drag other people into the fracas that is their life.  It is essential to our growth, to our ability to be able to heal successfully without having to turn to things tangible, things and people outside of ourselves, things that we know WILL hurt us, that we look at who we really are and realize that even though we might essentially be a train wreck at the moment, it does not have to be like this forever. However, there are a lot of people who are choosing the familiar discomfort of things that worked temporarily in the past rather than choosing wisely and deciding to grow out of the old and to wear, from day one, that which is the glorious and the new. Like brand new jeans, so, too, do new ways and new thoughts and the newness that is the growth that hurts us need to also be worn, to also be tried out and looked at and used to our own advantage. 

The hurts that we experience from the growth is different than the ones that were brought to us by what we thought was helping us. We each know that there are things that people do to themselves that cause them to think that the secondary things they do…drink, indulge in ugly substances that we know will screw us up, try things that we have been told work that seem like a good idea but on the whole we KNOW are anything but…end up being 

We know when “the better” is coming, and not only because it will be revealed by the Goddess those things which no longer serve us or our purpose, but also because new people, new ideas, and new energy reveals itself, too. Where once there was the energy that was fraught with being scared and inundated with fear, there is now the energy that is letting go, is the energy that tells you that you can live without certain people and situations in your life. It is not something that will be easy to do, letting go of those whose purpose in our lives or perhaps for whom our presence in theirs was to bring about the energy that was needed, but is something that, when the time comes, we will just do. 

When the energy came for me was sometime last evening while I was talking with someone who is very close to me and they’d mentioned that there was, at that moment in their lives, much as it is with my own, a list of people who were being extricated from said close person’s cell phone. As minute as it sounds, in the realm of the Soul and all that is healing from the pains and abuse from the past, it is huge. When I was told by this person that this is what they were doing, it was with an immediacy that I’d told them that I, too, was doing the very same thing. I was doing the same thing because if I do not do the same thing – keep on symbolically removing people who’ve no business or purpose in my life through whatever means it is that I do so – it will only drag me and my energy down, and I have been down for so long now, much as this close person, as many of my closest friends and confidantes have also been, that the only way to relieve my own self of the pain and the hurt that comes also with the idea that someone, that anyone at all, is going to tell me one thing and do the opposite, is to release them from my life, even if temporarily.

This is not simple to do. We attach ourselves not only to people but also to the outcome that we want to see for them, for ourselves and for the situations at hand as well as the ones in manifest. It is not that the outcome is not something that I cannot wait for but more that the outcome, for some people, might seem impossible to realize, might hurt too much to have to go through the work involved, and the work involved has only to do with the self.  “So, Rev., why would anyone want to get rid of things and people they think are important?” is usually the question that I am asked when people ask me what it is that they should do when trying hard to get through something with someone else, no matter who they are, and the answer that I give is relevant to my own life at this time. In my own life at this time much is happening. There is the ending of one part of my life and the start of an entire new part which, when I think about those two things on their own I am made both happy and afraid. I am happy because very simply, it is about time, and afraid, because no one, not even a well paid and proven psychic can tell us what the exact outcome will be. No one can. We create the outcome we want to see or one that is better than the one we want to see. 

With that said, it may well be understood by anyone reading this that I am no longer open to draining my own energies for those who will not also help with the work that they know they need to do if they are also not as at least as willing as I am to help them get their lives back. Abuse survivors are very uncannily able to tell when we are being lied to, when the truth is being hidden, and there is not one of us who, even if we do not realize it, cannot sense it when someone is not being as open and truthful as we are, as we have been. Just because it is my job to counsel, is my job to intuit the energies that I sense, my job to sometimes and physically place my hands, sometimes my whole self, onto others so that they may have a bit of the good energy that they need in order to get along in their lives with the thing that they are supposed to do and more, to be, it does not mean that mine is an endless energy even though technically, it is. 

It is not the energy that is not endless, but the level of patience that is. It is the worn out thinking in others that I will be there for them, at the ready, because that is how they know me to be. What they have yet to go through is the fact that even highly energetic people like me get tired, on many levels, and lately it is the wish upon my own heart and soul that while I want to see that everyone gets their own lives healed, when it comes to my life and the things that I want to see happen in it, I cannot allow myself to let the energies that I know will deplete my own be the thing that eats me alive. I cannot wait here for people to stop being afraid of the work involved, can’t just be the one person who is just always going to be there at someone else’s whim even though I am essentially always there for people to seek a way to heal their own lives. I will always be there for that, but will no longer be there for people who just need a quick fix of good energy so that they can deal with theirs that is not so good, and I will not be around for those who will tell me that things with people are one way when in reality that is not the entire story. The entire story may or may not be believed.

The entire story may or may not be believed for the simple fact that if a person is willing to live without integrity, it also means that they are willing to live with the things that they hurt from, and more, willing to continue hurting from them, and willing to medicate themselves in whichever manner it is that they have for a long time just so that they will not have to deal with the pain of the shame of the losses, the pain of the abuse that was once there, which was there by someone else’s hands and then when the pain became too much, by their own hands, in manners that no one with a brain in their head would bother with. Everyone on the planet has been hurt, but not everyone who hurts becomes abusive to others or more, to themselves. This is the other reality that comes with abuse – somehow, there has to be healing, and it has to come from within, and always there will be someone who will be able to help those who have ignored the things that I have told them in matters of where the pain is coming from versus where they can send that pain…most listen, but there are those few who do not. 

I could sit here and say that my choices …the ones that I have to make as of now….hurt me a lot, but that is a lie. The choices that I have to make – the ones that are “should I help this person or should I save it for me?” – are not easy. On the outside of it all it seems that no matter what I have said, no matter what I have done, no matter what it is that has eaten their lives and no matter what it is that these people have tried to heal themselves with, it is to no avail. It is to no avail because while I understood that no one is guaranteed that they will be able to heal their lives on their own, it is a promise that no one who doesn’t at least try to heal, will. They will not heal, because the mess that is in front of them called “their lives” is familiar to them, comforts them knowing that they can deal with the mess because the mess is all they know. So they keep creating bigger messes that look like the last mess and keep on expecting different results from the same messiness that is still not better, not smaller, and only gets worse.

It breaks me up inside a bit to know that for a moment, I have to step back and have to do so because should I bother to stay where I am, I will not be able to move forward, and my future is a beautiful thing indeed, filled with laughter and love, with friends and people who I care deeply about and who are considered to me as family, and the antics that these people have heard about thus far, while said antics do not affect me in the manner that is direct, they effect me in that I have cared, and cared, and talked, and emphasized, and propped up, and basically been there, and at the moment, it feels like it was all for nothing, even though that is the furthest thing from the truth.

It was not all for nothing, because without those people who are too afraid to grow out of their own messes I saw my own. That is the blessing in what seems at the moment like it is a loss. It is not a loss. My thought is that I have to let them go and perhaps in my (hopefully temporary) absence they will grow, will get a clue, will be able to take what very little they came to me for and utilize it. My prayer is that in my absence that they will know that I truly do love them, enough so that I would imagine that if the tables were turned that they would not want me to not heal on my own. I would imagine that if I were them, and they were me, that they would have done this a long time ago. I would imagine, too, that they know that I am human, that I fail at things, that I am not the greatest healer on the planet, but that I may indeed be one of the most loving. I hope they learned from me that they were worth my time when they were worth their own time.

While I cannot say that these people with whom I must, at this time, part ways, know who they are, I will say that they all know, and hopefully believe it when I say that really, it is for your own good, my own good, and that I Love You…

…I Love You…I always will…but I love me, too, and I am a priority.


Why aren’t you a priority to YOU?

I LOVE YOU ALL
ROX


Patterns

…you can see where you are going by thinking about where it is that you have already been…

There is a lot happening in the Cosmos these days. I don’t want to get into a whole thing about astrology because there are a whole lot of really great ones already. And really, unless you realize it, Astrology will teach us at least what sort of pattern our lives have traveled in from the very moment that we arrived to this lifetime. 

If we bother to pay attention to the patterns that our lives travel in, we will see a chain of events that, even though the time that passes will bring into our lives new people and new experiences, if we thought about where we were about 20 years ago and compared it to now we would see that there are a whole lot of similarities between then and now. This would be the thing that can give light to the messes that we find ourselves in. The revolution of time and the time that we spend thinking that we do not understand what is happening to us at a given time in our lives are distractions of the lessons that we are presented with throughout the course of our lives. 

Our lives follow a certain pattern and when we are right inside of a monster of an issue in our lives we are less inclined to be rational about things than we are about the emotional nature of feeling like we have to throw our hands up in the air in exasperation and ask the clouds above “AGAIN??!!” 

Of course, again…that is how this works. The trick to it all is NOT throwing your hands up in the air as though you were the one to tumble the Jenga tower, but to think back to a time where what was then is also now. What helps is that whatever it was that plagued us back then, or perhaps blessed us, caused us confusion or clarity…well, take a look around you and find out that even though there may be few of the same players in the drama of your own life, the things that are happening are much the same as they were then and the difference from then to now is that right now you have had the luck of the journey of having already been in a similar situation, have had the experience of such the same mess that is your life, or perhaps it is not a mess. It is just whatever it is, and we can see it as “oh NO it is happening AGAIN!” or “Hey…this feels familiar.” 

It is the familiarity which is the key to the recognition of the thing that we have already done but just at another time. It is the feeling that we know what to do and the knowing that we have already done this in the distant past. It is also the knowing one thing that not a lot of people think about – in the time that has passed, you have pondered the thing that was 20 years ago, and your soul recognizes this as it being like the do-over, or maybe it is just a sweet reminder of where you were two decades ago. If the issues in your life at present time mirror that of what was going on in your life back then, what that means is simply that there were a few loose ends that needed to be tied up, or maybe the answer which eluded you back then has shown itself to you now and now you can heal whatever it was that made you hurt back then.

You will notice that there are a lot of same things that happen. In my case, twenty years ago I was  very dearly in love with music, particularly the indie rock scene. I was a promoter. I shared a television show with some people who I thought about through the years and who recently I have been reconnected with by Spirit. I held a dear love for rock music then much like I do now, and like then, now, too, I have a deep connection with musicians. And it makes sense that I would, because I am a dancer. Lots has happened in two decades. There have been gains and losses, and people have entered into my life while others have left and can never return because they went Home to Spirit. Yet, the things that present themselves to us all these years later are the very things that bring to us those memories of the way that we did things then.

We might have needed a reminder of who we each really are, and it was through someone else that this was found out. Some of us moved far from the places that we lived, only to have lost everything in a material sense, leading us to believe that the reason we went to those places was because we thought we’d met our twin flames or perhaps our soulmate when in reality and through those people we met our very selves, and we liked what we saw. Suddenly, the messes that were the thing that we called “life” seemed not so out of place and make sense now. When I thought I lived in the desert for one reason and a person who I could never love, I found that the actual reason was not only so that I could ultimately lose my store bought life, ultimately be shown that it was not the person who we thought it was that would have us move that far from what is familiar, and when we find out who it was that was the reason that we were brought there, we find out that we are not so disappointed after all, that Spirit knew and knows what She is doing, and that all is well when we just get the hell out of our own way.

We do not get to know what it is that we need to know – our purpose, our mission – until it is that Spirit has dragged us kicking and screaming like a spoiled petulant 7 year old to that place within where it is that we can hide from the ugliness of life, can be who we truly are and where no one will hurt us because they can’t hurt us as we have risen above and have dealt with the pain of the loss, the pain of the thing that caused us humiliation, the thing that ate our lives and caused us to have to look at ourselves to see there in the mirror that is reflected back to us through other people the truth of who we each are. 

The Truth of Who We Each Are is a story that only the each of us can tell about ourselves, and we have always had the roadmap of time to show us through our past where it is that we have been, and where it is that we have the option to go.

The only option is where Spirit leads, and not where we are inclined to stomp our feet, cry out in frustration all the time about the tangible proof that we do not see and neither realize is the mirror which we look into, not only in others, but our very selves. The only option is the pattern and our paying attention to it.

The only option is to look back and see where we have been and realize that we made it here, and that here and now is familiar, and more than that, that we are perfectly fine and good and alive and well, and that really, we always were.

We were always okay. We just didn’t realize it at the time. We did not know that what we were doing was not gnashing our teeth but refining ourselves as does fire with diamonds. 

We were being polished, refined, so that we could deal with the things that we met up with twenty years ago, but right now. We were brought there back then so that we would know what to do with right now.

That is a whole lot to think about, isn’t it?

I Love You All !
ROX


What’s Your Drug of Choice?

Seriously…physician…heal yourself…

Each of us is scared to death of something, and as odd as it will seem to read the next thing that I state – that we are all afraid to be good at something even though we know that this is the paradox of success in life- most of the time, we fail in our efforts toward wholeness because we do not believe that we will be successful at it. We all crave success, and we don’t realize that once we have the thought in our heads that we will not fail as badly at a thing as we believe we will, we 
do not realize that once we make a choice to succeed, the Universe at that very moment conspires with us so that no matter what, if it is with right intent, will cause benefit with a ripple effect which will eventually benefit the entirety of the global family, if it will, for two moments in your lifetime, raise your own vibration and energy level… What you have right then and there is the only pain killer that you have ever needed.

We want to believe that there is more to it than only the weirdness, than only the thing that we wished for, and we want to believe all these people who tell us that manifesting life to be great is effortless – it is SO NOT effortless, and if you are evolved enough to know so, then you also know that no matter what, the effort is worth it all…that healing from within is what is best for us, and that we each have our own ‘drug of choice,’ and that it is up to us to use what is within to be our own Soul’s doctor . 

There is pain involved with healing, but also there is the salve of knowing that one day, absolutely, we will heal from the pains which we choose to hang on to. Success for some people is measured in dollar bills and accolades, but there is more to it than only the material part of it. There is also the reality that we will each experience caused by the thing that we choose to call our drug of choice. 

This leads us to the question, “What’s your drug of choice?” For me, it has always been art, particularly dance, particularly hula…what is your drug of choice, the one that you do a lot of when speaking in terms of your own Soul’s Medicine?

“Physician, Heal Thyself,” is a biblical verse which has stayed with me since I was a child. The idea that we are not able to do for ourselves what we want to believe others can is ridiculous. Sure, we might need help with it- I know that I needed help with it, and I got it, but on the whole, that which has happened to us can never rule us. We know when it is something that we cannot handle all by ourselves, and if we are wise we seek out others to help get us through the things that we cannot or do not or simply refuse to understand. Anytime that there is truth involved, namely when it is our own truth, there will always be some energy of resistance. This is because we have been taught to accept things that are not our own, and we have been shown someone else’s way toward the ultimate goal of healing and wellness. No one tells us what we find out all on our own – that we alone are strong enough to be our own spiritual physician.

We alone, even when we need some assistance, are who makes our healing possible.

“What’s your drug of choice? (Well, what have you got?)” (Alice in Chains, “Junkhead.” 1996)

What, indeed, is your Soul’s healing drug of choice? What is the way that you have always known to use that would make your temporary hurt feel better, would allow you to have a choice – to hurt, or not to hurt? What is it that you have, with the help of your soul’s pleas to do something, done in order to fix that which has always plagued your soul? It is right there, right inside of you, the unique ability to heal your life. I cannot lie – it is not easy. It will not lie – it will hurt, a lot. And of course, I will never tell a person that it will be without obstacles, the healing which a lot of us chase but do not realize that we are only chasing what belongs to someone else when we seek to heal from the outside.

This is the problem with human beings, at least a lot of us – we do not want to hurt from the same old stuff that we want to no longer hurt from, but we are too scared to no longer have an issue to feel badly about, because for the most part, that is what we think is the truth of us. We think and believe that we are supposed to hurt, that we are supposed to elevate to some strange level of piety through suffering. We believe that we are supposed to be in pain, always, and we believe that if we are not hurting while someone else is, that we are somehow evil or heartless. My opinion is that we are being evil and heartless to ourselves if we are more inclined to martyr ourselves, to slay the dragons for other people without seeing that our own dragons are tired of being the scary thing in our lives. We are more inclined to let our egos make us believe that if we do not save someone else from their own pain and their own dragons that we are not good people, that we are not loving souls.

What do you do to help yourself feel better about anything? Do you prefer to blame it on everything outside of you, or are you more willing to look at the things that you see in other people as also being alive within you? Are you willing to point it out and then take it apart with others and not with yourself? Are you willing to recognize things in other people and also know that while you point your finger at them that you are giving yourself your own referral to a specialist who you do not realize is you? We are, as a whole, addicted to our own arrogance. In the thoughts which we think about other people are also there the things which are prevalent in our own lives. When we see that another person is insecure, and we voice it, we are, at that time, diagnosing what is our very own “trip.”

Yet, again, most of us are way too arrogant to see it at face value, too egotistical to think that we are what we see in others. This is where our pain comes from. This is where the “Little You,” also known as “The Child Within,” are at odds with each other. When we hurt, it stems from a place that we have been, over and over again, and the first thought we think is NOT about what we can do for ourselves and by ourselves to make our hurts no longer be. Our first thought is to that very time in our lives many years ago when we first felt that sting of rejection, the hurt caused by another’s judgment on us, the pulsating anger released through the ferreting out of our very young selves by someone in our lives who, unless they, too, were young like we were, knew better but allowed their arrogance and their ego to be who was the best judge of you. And it stuck….the pain, it stuck, with all of us, and too many of us have chosen without recognizing so, that what it is that we see in others is bad enough for us to have an opinion about and more, to voice it.

Lemme tell you this one thing – the opinion of someone else about who we are for real is never the permanent reality. Allowing an old hurt to have any sort of importance in our lives that we are not willing to change is our fault, but that someone else would be creepy enough to continually bring it up is their fault. How we handle the way that we heal from that energy is up to us and only us. We cannot expect the person who administered the disease to also be the one to heal us, because they are not able to see past their own arrogance and know that the one person who can and should heal them IS them, much as who we should know and believe is capable of healing us is our very self.

Sometimes the drug of choice for someone else is to pick on someone who they deem is somehow weaker than they are, but this is a non-truth, is something that you are not obligated to believe as YOUR truth, ever. Not even when it is technically true does it have to remain that way. We are able to change who we are by learning to believe our own truths.

It is the constant lesson that we will willingly teach ourselves about our own truths. Our medicine is not contained within a bottle, not contained within anything that is physical until we bring it out into the physical world. For some people it is the artist within who releases the demons and the closeted skeletons, and for others, is the actuality of substances which no one hurting should administer to themselves. For some it is dance, and others, music, and still others, the slow and constant loveliness that is poetry.

No matter what it is, we all have a method by which we go when speaking in terms of our own ability to heal our lives. We each have a magic within us that tells us that who we are is enough to make it through the days and nights. We know without being told, at least a lot of us do, that we are all the drug of choice we need. We are who comes up with the way to feel better, and eventually it becomes second nature for us to turn to that one thing, no matter what it is, that helps us along the Path to enlightenment. While I will not ever condone the ingestion of things that are temporary fixes to problems that have been labeled as permanently ours (by us even! Can you beat that?), I will never tell any other human being that who they are is not enough for them to know for sure that whatever it was that someone told them, or you, or anyone, really, was not the truth of them. It was not the truth of them, or you, or me, or anyone, because it was never our truth to begin with.

The next time you see something in someone else that you feel the need to say something about, say it to yourself. Say it to yourself because only in the healing of that thing within YOU will you be able to better understand the complexity of how anyone else got to where they are on their own. Say it to you because it will be the thing that you see in someone else that also plagues your own life, and say it to you so that you can finally forgive yourself for believing what you did not have to believe about you until you were able to see it in someone else. Say it to you because you own you, and say it to you because in saying it to you, you finally get to work on that one thing that maybe has been the truth told to you by someone else but is now a truth which no longer applies.

Say it to you, because if you continue to see what is in you as also being something in someone else, and you continue to point it out, and you allow it to continue to be the one thing that you always only recognize, pretty soon, you will be the only one around TO say it to.

Don’t forget this!

I LOVE YOU ALL !
ROX


Can you Forgive?

Often times are we given to bouts of anger, of impatience, and of things that knock our brains around for a bit. Yet, all the emotions that we feel can eat us up from the inside, out, and the only way to stop this from happening is for us to forgive the sins of those who transgress against us. It is normal to be angry from time to time, but when we allow that anger to become hatred there is nothing good that can come of it. 

The only way toward our own return to our balance is to release the emotions knowing that eventually, if we are wise, we will see that the thing that caused us to have those emotions was a temporary thing. Sometimes, though, and there are a few of us who live this way, when we cannot let go of the pain and the angst caused by the anger, we allow it to become hatred. 

The simple energy that is Forgiveness is harder to have than it is not, but my thought is that it is easier to get over a ding to the Ego than it is to overcome tragic physical illness brought about by the harboring of negative energy. 

Not only that, when we feel like we need to forgive someone anything, it is also at that time that, too, we have to forgive ourselves….

Forgiving people is hard. I know this for sure. For a long time I had the hardest time with just letting go of my own anger with certain people. For a long time I wanted to hang on to being mad at them because I thought being mad at them taught them a lesson that only I could teach them. This did no one any kind of good at all. It would never do any kind of good at all anyway because the truth is that we can only change ourselves and no one else, and to be angry with anyone means that somehow they made us that way and too often we are inclined to stay in that mess of emotions that eventually become the hatred within us.

We want to believe that we are the victim, but volunteering things that way only serves us up with more victimization, and the harshest reality of that is we are who makes us the victim and no one else. When we are not willing to accept that it is up to us to do anything and we give our power away to other people through means of our allowing it to be the truth in our own heads that we hurt because someone else makes it that way and not because we are choosing to hang on to whatever it is that we are hanging onto, we also do not, if we are not so evolved, accept and neither realize that all along, it has been us.

All along, it has been us

All of the time that we have chosen to take and to waste on our believing and acting on energies that tell us that we are not to blame for how we feel is the same amount of time that it takes for any one of us to realize that it was not other people who needed us to let things go. It was us. Other people might be the catalyst to the things that we experience feeling, but it is not other people who make it so that we hang on to whatever it is that we feel.

We choose to not forgive, and we choose to hang on to the thing that makes us turn into a drama queen, and we are who chooses, or does not choose, to allow the thing that someone else did to go on as an unforgivable sin against all mankind. My first question to you, at least in regards to this part of forgiving people that is totally NOT forgiving people is “how come you are so cool that you think everything is owed to you, even someone else’s forgiveness?” Why is it that you feel like you need rectification for something that you are hanging on to? This means that you are not ready to forgive anyone, that you are more inclined to try to bring a person to their proverbial knees instead of allowing them to forgive themselves for the thing that they did or still do to you. What is up with that?

What is up with the idea that you are so special that you have to make it real to you by cutting someone else down and making them live in your stinkiness that is unforgiveness for whatever unholy transgressions you think were done purposely against you? And even if it was done purposely, why are you bothering to care what someone who will over and over again choose to hurt you because you are too blind to see what it is that they are teaching you? Why are you looking at the hurt and why do you keep looking at the hurt, and why do you expect more from a person who might not even have a clue of the soul sickness that they keep helping you stay sick from?

What is the deal with making people feel responsible for your pain, and what is it that makes you think that you have some sort of golden power over them when in reality it is they who are powerful, more than you are, in your life, and it all boils down to the forgiveness.

All boils down to the forgiveness

If anyone read my last blog – the one where I get good and down and dirty nasty with people – you see one side of me that takes a lot for me to reveal. There are only a few people on this planet who know who it is who I am addressing, and there are only one or two who know that when I hurt, I get MAD MAD MAD, and when I am that mad, I write about it, and when I write about it, I am forced to go through the emotions of the thing that brought to me the headache that can sometimes be other people. Other people make me mad in that they ask for help, and then they expect it to be like an aspirin, as if what I am able to do is somehow theirs to be able to conduct. When I tell them that no, I am not one of those healers who will do some sort of strange magic (because we all know that there is no strange kind of magic, only energetically charged kind that is either positive or negative) to make anyone who will ask that I “do something” in order for their hurting to vanish.

Healing, Spiritual Power, and yes, even Magick…all of these things are mechanisms of the Soul, and all of them cannot be utilized effectively WITHOUT the purity of intent being that which is above all, rightly intended. But that is neither here nor there, and the reason I brought it up is because it will illustrate for a lot of people that there is no magic spell, no ritual, no anything that will make YOU feel better about how YOU feel about someone else hurting you, even if they did not intend to hurt you. You are taking too much time and effort to not feel bad by making someone else feel bad -mainly the person who you think took the time to do to you what they did not mean to, and more so when we are talking about when they do NOT know.

The last thing you want to do is NOT take the time to feel your real feelings

Not feeling one’s own true feelings is the very stuff that the nightmare of addiction is made up of. No one realizes that the reality of addiction, while in part is due to what one is made up of astrologically, the other reality is that the reason that anyone will give themselves to any kind of addiction is simple – they are numbing their pain. Anger is pain. Sadness, pain. Self-loathing, pain, too. All of these things left unchecked lead to addiction. And addiction is housed in all kinds of things, and not all of those things are to be ingested. Sometimes it comes out as a sex addiction, and most of the time, substance addiction, but all of the time it is to cover up some sort of pain that we just do not want to address and see as the thing that is eating us alive.

The way that anyone feels about anything will lead them to either be stronger because they were willing to face it, or weaker, because they can only face it through the idea that painting it with an addiction will at least make it easier, and on the top of things this is the truth but overall it is the lie that is housed in the pain.

The Lie that is Housed in the Pain

The lie is that we are able to handle things without help, and by this I mean that sometimes that help comes in the form of a thought, or perhaps the form of a person who has what we need, and all the time we are so willing to believe even the lies that we hear that we know are lies that are also the lies that cover up the truth, and the truth is that when we are willing to turn our pain into something that it is not meant to be (the truth of us) we want so badly to fit a situation to who we are that we cannot see past the idea that maybe the thing that is causing us so much pain is causing us so much pain because the reality is that it hurts for a good reason, and that reason is so that we can recognize what it is that we do no like. In recognizing what it is that we are not too fond of, sometimes we find out that we are who brought it to our lives and the worst part is that sometimes we are too ready to hang on to that pain because in that pain is the “before this all happened I was fine and good with my life.”

Yet, not all of us are inclined to do the things that it will take to NOT have to go through the pain so as to stay free of the things and the habits that cause us to hurt more, and when we hurt more, it shows.

In order to get over the lie housed in the pain, we have to be willing to not only see what it was that someone else brought to our lives but also how much we hurt or how unfortunately we chose to deal with the anger. Anger can become hatred, and hatred kills our souls which ultimately leads to the killing of ourselves and then our bodies. The lie that we tell ourselves is that we are not forgivable, that we are such bad people on our own that Spirit will never see to it that our lives will be magical, and the truth is that this is not the truth. It stems from the belief that in order to forgive others that they must perform great acts of kissing our okoles, and they must take our biting remarks and our energy that is angry on as the reality that we are in regards to them. Essentially we want them to bow to our sense of being hurt by them, and we want them to pay for it again and again, even though we, ourselves, would never think that this was okay were that it were us.

Can You Forgive ?

This is the ultimate question – can you forgive? Can you forgive yourselves for believing the things about you that you have always known were not the truth, and can you forgive the people who brought their opinion disguised as the lie that you housed in your pain? Can you totally give in to that pain so that from within it you can come forth and heal from it from having gone through it all? Can you give yourself the chance just once to become the imperfectly perfect absoluteness that is the example of all that is The Divine and realize that you are a part of it and that it is a part of you?

Can you bother with the idea that you are Loved beyond measure, beyond the idea that someone else finds in you a reason to hate themselves so much that they have to point out what they see in you that is also in themselves, and from that knowing, can you allow someone the freedom that is you forgiveness, not only of them but also of you?

Can you trust yourself to know what you are doing, enough so that once you have spoken your words to another person, words of forgiveness, can you also extend the same Love to yourself?

Can you do the one thing that you know is going to give you and the person who you are angry with the most Love energy that you can by simply stating one thing?

“I Forgive You”

I Love You All !
ROX


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