Monthly Archives: May 2016

Tired of Learning

In the Darkness of Po

Pretty much, methinks the very each and all of us are sick of learning.

…but learn, we must…

Learn we must, because if we do not learn, most assuredly we will be brought back to the beginning of these lessons that have been making us live in what seems to be an ocean of pain, being tossed about by the uncertainty of life, itself. We have to deal with all of these things that are hurting us, because if we do not deal with them, as I just said, we will surely have to deal with them in the future, again and again, until we have learned.

Personally, I have had enough of the harshness, and the next person who tells me that I did this to myself can go and jump into a cold and nasty pile of dog shit, but that is just my opinion.

It has been a bit of time since I have written anything here, and my lazy ass likes to believe that it was all because of the latest Mercury Retrograde, but, the easier, more honest answer is that collectively we have just not been okay. Collectively we have been put through the wringer, have been served up a healthy serving of shit soup, not even asking for seconds but getting them, none the less. Collectively, we have seen our lives take horrific turns, have watched as we have gone through, continue to go through, all of the things that seem to have broken us.

Yet, we are not broken. We are damaged, but not broken. Broken means that we cannot lift our heads to see the Sun, and damaged means that there is no turning back. We are damaged, but we are not broken. There is a difference. Damaged means that somewhere in our own history, we were given a time in our lives when what we were faced with forced us to believe something, forced us to do something to make ourselves get out of the stuck energy that we were in, and make ourselves move forward and into the fray of what scares the hell out of us.

Losses, they scare the holy hell out of us, and the possibility of our heart being broken also scares the hell out of us. Our problem isn’t only that we are terrified, but what it is that we are terrified of.

We are scared to death to know that we are worthy of the Love that we seek out, not only in and from others, but, in and from our very selves. We are terrified at the idea that once we have this Love, once it is that we believe that we are worthy, that we will lose what it is that we do not understand we actually deserve, even though the path that it took us to get there is hard and ugly and daunting. We all and only can see what is hurting us, until we can also believe that we are meant to hurt, so that we do not have to hurt that way ever again. We never have to do a thing, I know, but, we are not taught to know this. We are made to figure it out, and once it is that we do, we are better for the learning we have done.

Better, for the learning…

I am a lifelong student of life. I love to learn as long as I am choosing to learn something, or some subject, but, when it is that I am thrown into the lesson, this is when I get uncomfortable. Lately, I have been learning what it is to truly Love just one other person, even with all of their flaws. It meant a lot to me to know that I am capable of this, as much as it means to him that he knew and knows that how I feel is the Truth of me.

But it took us a while to get to this point, and in this very moment, like all couples, we have to get our bearings back, so that we can get to that place we have earned being, not just with one another, but, in our own lives and in our own thoughts. I might not like the fact that every few months, he and I go through this…cleansing ritual and ceremony, of sorts. I have chosen to think about it this way because of all of the things that we have been through together, and all of the things that we have shared with each other, and all of the things that we each see apart from one another in our own selves that also exists in the other, the only thing that matters more than much else is that we learn with, from and for each other. While I can state truly that right now is neither of our favorite moment, it is also a moment that we each have found out the meaning of what it is to Love, not only each other, but our own selves. This is what true ‘higher learning’ is all about – learning how to get through things without cheating our own selves out of what it is that is good and we have earned through our learning.

I never thought I would ever be this person, at least not in this lifetime, and not with the person who I Love the most. I never thought that I could Love someone this much. This is what learning has brought to me – the knowledge needed that would tell me that I am not only worthy of one other person’s Love, but, that I am capable of giving it right back to him. I went through a lot in my life, and as cheesy and possibly corny as it might sound, his is the Love that I waited to experience, that I needed so badly, and for much of my life, until he showed up, I turned it down. When I married, I thought it was a given that I was loved, because I was told that I was. Instead, what I was was owned, and what I was was trained and what I was was not who or what I am.

My point with all of that was to let you all in on the idea that at any given moment, we are waiting to learn, and what it is that we are learning, in any given moment, is totally up to us. It doesn’t mean that the lesson we are learning is up for discussion, because it isn’t. Spirit truly does not give us more than what we are capable of, doesn’t give us anything that will not make us stronger when we are done learning. That is correct – all of these things that make you feel like you are becoming weak are actually in place, sort of like a water pill for someone who needs to lose water weight – in place to relieve us, even as that is very difficult to believe, of the extraneous weight imposed upon us from all of the bullshit we endure, and more, all the bullshit we cause for ourselves.

It’s true – we cause ourselves a whole lot of grief

Okay, so I know that I cause me a whole lot of grief, and mostly with my outlandish thoughts that are not good thoughts. An outlandish thought is something that I tell coaching clients to have when it is that they are manifesting things for themselves. The reason is because we need to dream big, and we need to make our lives grand, and really, it does not matter one bit who thinks we are or are not being truthful when it comes right down to things – those who disbelieve are the very ones who end up finding out later on that they hastily made a judgment on anyone else, or perhaps on something that anyone else would have liked to experience. I am not big on interpersonal experiences with people who cannot look me in the eye for at least three seconds. I suppose I make folks nervous that way, but I do it purposely.Lots of light workers do this, on purpose, because we are trying to figure things out about other people and what it is that they – the other people – are hurting from.

Right now it is almost as though we are in a sort of flux state, and one that makes it so that the losses that we are feeling are being brought to the surface of things so that we can think about how we feel about anything or anyone at all. We are being asked without being asked to show Spirit what it is that we desire, and the ways that we are being shown these things are some of the very most demeaning, hurtful, ugly things that lived within us until we accepted the truth of things. Once we accept the truth of things, we are better able to handle ourselves in terms of what it is that we are headed towards, and what it is that will break us into a million tiny pieces. What we are not thinking about in terms of those million tiny pieces is that the pieces, while they cut us like a knife, are meant for us to create a gorgeous mosaic with. We do not like to think that we are starting anything over, and truly, when we think about things deeper, we don’t really start over, because to start over with anything at all means that we learn the same things that we might already know. We cannot possibly start over with all of the things that we have already mastered. Thinking and believing so only will drive us to the brink of insanity. Sometimes I have to repeat myself with that – the starting over thing – because when you get to a certain point in your own abilities, there no longer is the need to learn. There comes only the need to Be.

Only the Need to Be

Truly, the bottom line in life and living is that we need to have a need for Being. Or, at least this is what we are told. This last week has proven it correct in that, for the most part, we are here and on this planet to make a difference in the lives of others. We are here to help, in tandem with the rest of the world, to heal that which ails the Soul of the World. We are here to experience Love, Joy, Pain and loss, and we are here so that we may able to spread joy into the lives of others, all on our own, perhaps through our example, and very surely through the things that we think, do, Love, Are.

We have only the need to Be Love, to Be Loved and to Love. We have only the need to Be here with one another so that we might learn from one another the joys that are each other, which automatically lead us to know the joy that is our very weary selves. We have only the need to Be, here, with one another, and we have only the need to Be, In Love, and I am not only talking about one other person only, neither with one’s own self, neither with anything more than Being. Being is the thing that we all are, at all times, so we need to make the very most and best of it, no matter who wants us to sink to their level of negativity. (Even neutral energy is far better than negative energy).

If you are tired, I get it. If you are wanting to beat the shit out of something, or even someone, I totally get it. If you are tired of crying, of trying, of being in this energy that makes you want to cry because you already tried and feel like you have failed….

…the only way to know that you have failed, is to know that you have also not tried. Trying is part of learning, and trying is part of failing so that we can rise again and again until finally, we get it right and figure out that all along, it was not failure, but rather and only just not learning.

I know that you are tired of learning, because I am, too. There is only so much learning that any human soul can do before it cries…and then gets back up and tries again.

I Love You All !


Medicine dance Hula meme may 27 2016

Flies and Other Messengers of Nature

An Upturned Soul

What is your animal totem?

I see this question a lot on the internet. Some people answer it seriously, others take the piss. Those who take it seriously always choose glamorous creatures as their totems, tigers, wolves, snakes, bears, eagles, etc, whereas the ones who take the piss often choose the less favoured creatures, cockroaches, wasps, rats, pigs, cuckoos, etc. Both approaches are very interesting, and revealing.

There are many websites dedicated to animal totems. They explain the various methods of discovering your personal animal guide, and they give detailed descriptions of the animals.

I had a dream once in which I discovered that I had a tattoo covering my entire back. It depicted three animals interwoven together. I knew they were my animal totems. I was impressed and awed as they were very powerful animals, and I became over-excited, which woke me up. The sudden awakening erased the dream…

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The Power of Our Prayers


For a whole lot of us, praying to an unseen God is part of a daily habit that most of us don’t understand, but still, we do it. For a whole lot of others of us, praying is part of being alive and knowing that in all things, and through everything we experience, we will make it through whatever it is.


I recall a time in my life when my mother would remind me every night, right as the lights were being shut out for the night- “Mapuana…don’t forget to say your prayers…”

I don’t remember what would go through my mind at that time in my life, what it was that went through my tiny little kid mind, but what I never lost throughout all these years, that the reason why I, to this day, still pray, and typically for others rather than only for myself is that we can all use them, these things called prayers.

These things called “Prayers”…

In church, we are all instructed towards saying prayers in a certain manner, to a certain deity, with certain people watching us.

Prayer, as we all know, is a very mightily private thing, seriously, as private as sex.

Yes – sex.

Praying is a very sacred thing, just like sex is. It is not something that is impersonal, and is something that comes from the very middle of who we each and all are. Prayer is something that we use, in the manner that we were taught to, to connect with that part within us, that part that is within us that we want to call the Soul, but really, it is the “God Gene” and we all have this thing called “the God within.”

The “God” (or Goddess) Within…

Paul Tillich, a man who was both an existential Christian philosopher and Lutheran theologian, stated in a paper written entitled Concepts of God ( Wainwright, William, “Concepts of God”, The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Spring 2013 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.) that there is within us each called Ultimate Concern and Maximal Greatness when we are talking about how we each and all feel about our own personal God/Goddess. What Tillich stated, in terms of this feeling that we have about our own God within is that “…Ultimate concern is “total.” Its object is experienced as numinous or holy, distinct from all profane and ordinary realities. It is also experienced as overwhelmingly real and valuable—indeed, so real and so valuable that, in comparison, all other things appear empty and worthless. As such, it demands total surrender and promises total fulfillment.”

That which means the very most to us is also that which we are more inclined to seek out the most comforting answers for, meaning that that which we pray for the most is the energy of the God or the Goddess within. Lots of us have a very dear misinterpretation with the word “surrender,” as well, because for many generations, many theologians like Tillich would tell people that to surrender to God meant, in terms of the way that this message was always and still is delivered, was to give up who any one of us is for this shiny new creation that has been saved by what many will not believe can be an entirely merciless God whose thump and control we are all under.

This is not the God of everyone, this God that makes it appear, through those who follow his teachings, that all humans were meant to live in fear of this one God, namely if those humans did not pray for grace and mercy from this guy. What the hell is that all about? (Complete control of the masses through fear of an unseen deity who is always pissed off).

Understand now that I am not suggesting that people should not believe in the God who they turn to always. What I AM saying is that there is a part of us each that we have been addressing since childhood. I like to think of that part of us as being the inspection station, like the guys in Customs who have to inspect the things that are passing through all of those places where a Customs agent would be needed. When we are praying for things, we are actually putting in our request with Spirit to assist us – NOT to hand over whatever it is that we think we are due in terms of…well, anything, really…

Prayers…they are not a fix all, not a band-aid, and not something that is going to make it so that you do not have to learn the lessons in this lifetime that you are meant to learn…

This is where I believe that most folks do not understand and all humans cannot stand or get around – the idea that we are asking for outer help, and because it is outer help, we do not get to decide how those others, namely our own personal God or Goddess, will answer us. We do not get to choose how that answer will come to us – our job is not only to ask, but to believe that we will be answered and hope for the very, very best.

Except that the larger majority of us praying types do not think this way when we are praying. (Yes, I know – lotsa you are probably thinking you would never read this sort of thing about things that are primarily NOT what you might think that I do as part of my practice, but, I do and yes, indeed, there is not a thing that I do not coach people on, so, if you need to learn how to do these things…hit me up). Reread that. Think about when you are praying, and how it is that when you are thinking about what it is that you are focusing on in your own prayers, that you want to ask for and that you actually hope for the idea that perhaps, it is going to happen for you.

The reality is that when we pray, we are not truly aware of what it is that we are actually asking for. The reality is that when we pray we are, at least a few of us, asking for things that will make us temporarily happy, things that will make us have to deal with what I refer to as being the “band-aid effect.” What this is is not that difficult to think about or figure out – most of us have never, ever really been taught how to do things for ourselves in terms of our spiritual lives. We are only told and shown what it ought to look like, but, we are not told that it is okay to feel our souls when we are speaking with our own God. We are not told that in order that our prayers will be answered, it is not that we need to depend on something outside of ourselves to make what we want to see happen, happen. Our prayers will only be answered once it is that we can trust that we are ready to receive the answer, no matter what it is, no matter if we like the answer or not. 

Regardless…this is the Truth…

We ask for things, but we do not ask for the patience to wait for those things. We want to not hurt, and we want for those who have hurt us to also hurt (bad idea, folks…seriously)….whenever we are praying for something, and whatever it is that we are wishing to have or to happen, we have to remember that there are a lot of things that have nothing to do with what you are asking for to happen, because without those things happening, what is meant to happen cannot happen. Thus, the vicious cycle begins again.

The worst part is actually waiting and watching for the signs and the symbolism of the prayers being answered. It is like waiting for water to boil. It really only takes a few minutes BUT, when we are standing there watching the water, it seems like we are waiting forEVER for it all to happen.

Prayers are not meant to be answered immediately. Spirit does not work that way. Spirit is NOT like a Genie, not like clicking your heels together and getting your way, which is really what this is all about – some people think praying is how you get your way.


It isn’t.

Praying is not you asking for gifts – it is you petitioning Spirit to help you use what is already inherent within you…

Read that again.

I have said it a million times at least, and I am likely to say it a million times more than that – we are all born with gifts of the ethereal type. It is not a joke. It is not something that is only particular to the charlatan known as Ms. Cleo. It is something that we are all born with. It is not instinct. It is a step far and above removed from  reason, which is only a trait particular to the mammal known as homosapien. 

Prayer is meant as your expression to the Universe (or your God, or my Goddess, or the head of lettuce you have chosen to call ‘Ralph’) for you to not just send the energy out into the great wide open, but more, for you to have faith in the idea that whatever it is that you are petitioning, that you really want and what is for the highest best good, not only for ourselves, but also for others. It is created in a fashion that allows for certain lessons to be learned during the process. This does not mean, always, that those lessons will be harsh on us. What it means is that when we petition Spirit for anything, what that petition is most dependent upon is that you believe in the energy that is backing it.

I am sorry to all of you who were raised in the church, who believe, still, that the God you pray to has revealed himself as somewhat of a genie in a bottle upon which you can place your wishes and they will be granted in a snap. I have no clue how it is that those who fear this …God…are not more inclined to query it in terms of why your prayers have yet to be answered.

The reason is simple – you have placed your belief in yourself in this …thing, and this…thing…that you have chosen to use as a personal attack dog for so long has likely just chosen that now is the time that you were taught (even if you do not learn right away) that it is NOT that your God likes to punish you, but that you are all going about it, if this manner of praying is your way…I’m gonna say it, so deal with it – you are going about this ALL wrong, and really, the idea that you pray for the demise of others is where you have it wrong.

You see, when we pray, the whole idea of it is that we gain balance where there seems none, is that we know, through our belief in our own faith in our abilities, through the intention set and sent out into the Universe that tells the All That Is that we are sincere, that we are not wanting harm to come to anyone else, that our intent is pure and that there is no malice behind it all. To pray for your God to get rid of “fags” and that your God “hates metal music” is going totally against what that book you all like to thump the rest of us with as the very truth that applies to us all. Where you all have it horribly wrong is that rabid, junkyard dog thing. You want people to pray to a God that is more inclined to strike us down and into a 6-ft deep hole in the ground if we are not ready to become enslaved by the tenets set out by politicians and their cronies throughout the course of recorded history.

Yeah, I know, I am not supposed to be harshin’ out on people in this blog. But you must also know that no where in any book, neither by any teacher of all things Spiritual, does it state that there is a correct way to pray, or that there is only the God of destruction who so many “saved” people seem to think is the only way to do this – with the full intention of people being made fools of, of people dying because they are not like those who judge, even though they are instructed otherwise (Matthew 7:1) by that very book they like to throw at the rest of us and call the only Truth. There is no right or wrong way to pray to whatever Spirit you care to. There is no Spirit that is more mighty than the next person’s is. There is no difference in the All That Is OTHER than the names given to it by various people around the world. Your God cannot beat up my God, and I don’t give a rat’s ass how much you do not want to believe it. It is that thing called the Truth that you are missing, that thing called “the point” of praying, which is SO NOT what you have been made to believe it is.

Sincerity, an actual wish that would be helpful for the raising of he vibration of the planet and all of her inhabitants is the reason for prayers. I know that this sounds crazy, but yes, when we pray for our material happiness, what we are doing is asking that Spirit grant us the ability, through our gifts and our talents, to bring about a positive change in our own awareness so that we, through that granting of the requests in the prayer, not only be made whole through the fruitioning of those requests, but more, so that we will have the material proof before our eyes that is inherent in our own soul’s power.

Praying is not some sort of cure-all, is not some sort of magic that you or I or anyone at all can just call upon to fix things. It is a method of meditation and the sort that, for as long as history has been, is the method by which we petition the Gods, no matter which one it is you believe is the Truth…

I Love You All !












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