Tag Archives: Teacher

On Learning

Human beings are built for learning. It is our freedom of thought and our free will which causes us to learn, or not to learn. The question always, in every situation, begs to be asked – “What Have You Learned?”


I am a big believer in learning, and in teaching, and with the right teacher, under the right set of circumstances, anyone at all can learn whatever it is that we put our minds to. This is not news. This is not something that we all do not inherently know. This is the truth. The thing about learning, though, is that it is at our option if we will take up the lessons brought to us by Spirit, brought to us by our own soul’s heeding them into our lives. There is truth to the idea that we need very dearly to be careful what we wish for. Yes, it has to do with Karma, but more, it has to do with what it is that we have, through our souls, asked to learn upon entrance into this lifetime.

Lessons and learning them are two separate things. We are given lessons because we ask for them in the form of “I Wish I Had/Did/Could/Tried/Etc” and some of them are lessons which we were meant to learn upon entrance into this lifetime. This is what is meant by our being told to be careful what we wish for because we may well get those things, those situations, and of course, those people. We need to be very careful when asking and wishing for things. It is not the actual words spoken but more, the intention and the energy behind those things.

When we set out onto our days, and this is the hardest part to believe, it is upon waking that the things that we set into motion begin to play out, and we are none the wiser to it. This is what happens when we tell the universe that we want something, and it is not out of our mouths that it is stated, but rather and more so from the heart and soul within us each. When we are wishing death on someone, wishing harm on someone, wishing that we had never met them, wishing anything at all, and we have our emotional soulful selves backing up our play, we can guarantee that, even as we will not like the outcome, we will learn what we must, and the Universe will choose the right teacher for us to learn from.

This was something that I did not quite understand when I was a younger person. I went with the premise that we are the fools of an angry god who only brought us here to pick on us and make us into his slaves. This is really the way that my little brain perceived my parents’…hell…my entire family’s beliefs in a higher power. As I grew older, I began to see the realities of what was happening, and I realized, much later in my lifetime, that God is relative to who is willing to be enslaved, not by God, but by the people running God’s show. This simply means that what I was taught in regards to belief, in regards to anything at all, was a pawn of fate. I was taught that we humans are not powerful enough to think on our own, without some big, scary…thing…out there in the big scary Universe and that if I did things outside of what God wanted us to do according to the Old Testament’s Ten Commandments, that I would be headed for hell for sure.

The one thing that no one thinks about is that while all humans have the capacity to be followers, others, leaders, there are some of us who roll on our own.  We are taught “pack mentality” as children, and we are taught that majority rules and that our lone voice does not count. We are taught that the bigger person is always who comes out on top, not realizing that what we are hearing is not what is being said, but you can’t tell a kid that – kids will believe and know and understand through the mechanism of their imagination. They will believe that it is the bully, who is normally the bigger person physically, who wins, and with that thought in their heads, they will go on in life to be bullied, because we are not more clear about it when we are telling them what actually is the “bigger person.”

I am using this example because it is the one that draws a picture for us all as to how we learn what we do and where it is that our own methods of learning comes from. I used to be this kid, the one with the big fat imagination, but in my life as a child, things that were big were meant to be scary. It was what I was taught – to fear – and is also what I learned, very well, the idea that the bigger they, whoever they might be, are, the more chances that I would have at being afraid. This was the thing that I was taught in church, as well, because no one bothered to clarify for me what it meant to be the “bigger person.” I was not a “big” person. It was often said that I was “a stick,” was akin to a starving mantis who could not fight for herself, that I would be best served by hanging onto a pole cemented into the ground should a slight breeze visit my awareness. I had always been, remain to be to this day, not a very large person.

Imagine being a tiny little kid and being told these things. Tiny little kids have great big imaginations. It is our imagination which teaches us our mode, our method, our ability, our everything regarding our being able to create our lives. A child is going to learn from his or her own awareness of things, from his or her own imagined thought about what is, and what is not “big.” In my imagination, things that were big were equally scary. I was always scared of “big fat spiders,” and always worried that if I went swimming in what is my spiritual origin – the ocean – that surely a big angry Shark would come and eat me…funny how these days people refer to me as “The Mama Shark” in terms of getting my Artemis Spirit thing on, right?

How we are taught is as important as what we are taught, but certainly not as important as what we choose to learn

Choosing to learn is the part of life that either makes us or breaks us. Where it is that a person would rather see everything in terms of their own version of “black and white,” there is an entire gray area that no one thinks about, the area in our lives where we have no answers and where the only answers are the ones that make no sense, at least not right that moment.

It is not within our ability to learn things as much as it is stored within our ability to accept and apply what it is that we have learned. It is like when we choose to train our pets, or perhaps to train our children to use the toilet – it is not our method of teaching as much as it is our method of learning that matters most. Most of us want to learn the easy way, but that rarely happens and rarely happens because most of the time, it is the negatively charged happenings within the boundaries of our lives that cause us to learn. It is everything in our awareness that makes us know what is comfortable and uncomfortable and normally we are apt to remember what it was that we learned that was not so great.

This causes a negative energy within us that tells us that we are going to have to learn the hard way. This is how we do things, because this is how we are taught from a very young age that every action has its own consequence, and every time we do anything at all, there is a consequence attached. This is what causes a lot of us to stay stuck in the energy that we should not risk anything, that what we know right now is enough and that perhaps we are too old to learn anything at all.


We do not stop learning. We do not stop being taught, if not by people like me whose job it is to enlighten and teach the ways of Spirit, then by Spirit Herself. We do not stop learning when we are granted a degree from college, and we do not stop learning once a lesson that we are aware we are learning has been learned. Always, there is a lesson that we are learning. Whether it is that we have learned it because we asked through prayer or meditation or whether it is that we set things in motion karmically, we are never not learning.

It is the reason that I tell people, all the time, to pay attention to what is happening in their lives, because they may miss the message being given. I tell people all the time to broaden their thinking, because it will make room for things to happen for them in a manner that makes sense. I tell my students to question themselves always, and tell them, too, that what they need to learn, they will learn, and it will be in the same manner that the harshness of life comes to them – raw, ugly, a jumble-fuck of a confusing mess that seems to have no end to it at all, and one that is likely a very important lesson for them to learn in terms of what they are here for and what their mission is and more, who that mission is to be carried out with.

We ask for things, and we are not clear on the reality of what we are truly asking for. Where it is that we are asking for one thing, it may well seem that another thing is what we get, and what we don’t get at that moment when it seems that the entirety of the Universe has the deck stacked against us, what is really happening is that we are being refined by the fires of life, are about to take on a lesson in the Firewalk of Spirit so as to create from the proverbial coal that we think we are, the diamond which we so fiercely want to protect and keep for ourselves when in fact it is meant that our brilliance is to be seen by the All Of Us.

The question “What have you learned?” is meant to spark within us all more questions regarding the question. There is never only one lesson to be learned. We must think of the things that come with the bigger lessons as the electives that are meant as the balancing act of the Goddess that tells us that we are to apply those electives and the learning from them to the big fat thing that we would rather avoid because in our avoidance of those things there is the energy that we do not have to face them at all. This is wrong. We have to face the things that no longer serve us, have to deal with the ugliness to get to the beauty that is within the energy that scares the hell out of us, or, in some cases, where learning the truth of spiritual beliefs, having the hell scared INTO us. It really doesn’t matter, either, because no matter what, and whether we want to or not, we will learn, if not in this lifetime, then in another one that we do not realize that, because we chose not to learn, we must return in body from Spirit to learn what we could not face.

It pays for us each to face the monsters in the closets of our minds, pays for us to know what is useful, what is memorable and worth keeping, and pays dividends in terms of making room for all the good things to come into our lives when we choose to learn to release what we think keeps us safe but in reality, keeps us running around in circles trying to find the end of the things that make us crazy, and not in a good, lampshade at a party sort of way.

Learn, for no other reason than that none of us likes to face our own demons, our own ugliness disguised as the monsters in the closet of our minds.

If we don’t learn to tame the monsters, we won’t find out that it was not a monster but rather and only that teddy bear we so loved as a child…the very one who was responsible for keeping the monsters at bay…

…kinda get it now?

I Love You All!



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No one is an island (and no one is alone)

While it might seem like you are all alone at this present time, make no mistake that you are the furthest thing from being alone. No man is an island, and really, no one is in this lifetime all alone. 

“I stand alone today…don’t ask me why I feel I just know I feel this way…I stand alone today” (Jackyl’s “I stand alone”)

I have been contacted by more people than not in the last two weeks about this feeling that seems to be a collective one. At the moment, people are feeling lonely, feeling misunderstood, feeling like someone is always trying to best them, like someone always has something to say, not only about what we are doing, but how and why we are doing what we are doing. The emails include things about why spouses seem to be turning against one another, about why people think they own other people when in reality it is that sense of ownership owning them. There are people who share the air with us who feel like they are somehow floundering in a sea of uncertainty, and right now, while we are all in this wonderfully fluffy feeling of brand newness with the new year just having begun, there are a lot of people wondering why it is that this year they are just not excited, about anything, and the one thing that most folks are feeling right at this time is very, very alone.

And that feeling of “alone” is not the typical sort, the sort that is fleeting and is about just wanting to have a little company. No, this alone feeling is a global one, and it is not really a feeling of being alone as much as it is a feeling of being alone while in a crowd and knowing that you are not alone and is mixed with a feeling of a longing to go home. Lots of us have no idea why it is that we can be in a crowd and feel like this. We don’t know why we feel like we are all by ourselves. It isn’t scaring us, although it is something that is bothering us dearly and it is because while we are in need of learning, on our own, who we each are in the world, humans are still social animals, and when we feel like this, it hurts, it sucks, and sometimes it is such a heavy weight that it can even make us cry.

I promise you that you are not all alone in that energy, in that feeling like there is something out there, wherever “out there” is for us each, and that somehow we are meant to get there, out there, but that with every step we take toward wherever out there is, it feels like our intended destiny, at least the way that we see it, the way that we see ourselves getting to it, is out of our reach.

Spirit is a comedian sometimes

You have heard, at least once in your lifetime, that “God has a sick sense of humor,” and you are right, in that, when we pine for things, want for things, we are meant to do those things, but that when we try to force those things into our lives, after we have reached out to The Mother Goddess for help, and we try to speed things up, we find ourselves almost in a cycle of “over and over again” and it is with good cause. When we try to force it, we are telling Spirit that She has no idea what She is doing. When we try to make it seem in our own heads that we have the best and only way to get to where we are headed is also when we have chosen to believe that really, ours is the only way to get to that place where we will feel whole and like we are “home.”

Well, folks, I am here to tell you that you need to chill, seriously. The reason you need to chill is because buried inside of the time and the waiting and the impatience is something there for the each of us that no human being could possibly believe is real. Our problem is that all of our lives we have been taught to be cautious, and being cautious is fine, but being told this over and over again made us believe that there was something, at all times, to not trust in, and the one thing that we SHOULD trust in IS Spirit. And even in that instance, while we sat sweetly and tenderly and quietly in those pews, for the bulk of our childhoods, we were told that we have to pray in a certain way, because if we didn’t, that God would not take us seriously, and if God, of all Beings, is not going to take us seriously, why, then, should we trust in this invisible, jealous, dangerous, murderous God if all he is going to do is make us beg for his mercy?

I said it- deal with it

I said it, that the God who a lot of us grew up with was a God that I recall as being vicious. We are taught to not trust things vicious, but when it came to what we believed in, we were also taught to believe – or else! Now, what the hell is anyone with a thought in their head, even when they are tiny little kids, going to believe when on the one hand, we are being told NOT to trust strangers, because strangers will hurt us, and strangers will put us “through hell,” and that strangers are not to be trusted?

This is where our sense and our level of trust comes from – NOT from some big scary God who will lightning bolt our asses for breathing wrong, but from what we are told to believe. When we are told that we are not good enough, essentially, for even God to trust us to make the right choices, and then what we see in our lives and feel in our souls is not that great, automatically we are taken back to those times when we were little kids, feet dangling from the pews, all eyes toward the guy with the smirk and the tie and eyes on a pair of tatas in the front row of a big, gnarly scary building that people were so adamant about making us – forcing us, if you will – believe that this imposing guy named God is somehow going to make things all better, so long as we do not do a thing to piss him off.

If you have to make people scared of something, and you have to threaten their sense of well being, and you do this from a very young age, all while telling these same people that God will not abandon them, and then bad things happen, and these same people pray to a God who they believe has judged them very harshly all their lives, what on earth does anyone with an original thought have any other chance of believing that we each are nothing more than very, very alone in this lifetime?

It really doesn’t matter what anyone calls their Higher Source. My thinking is that as long as people believe in something outside of themselves that half of the inner battle is won. Yet, how is anyone supposed to feel like the higher Being they have prayed to all of their lives is going to be there for them without conditions when all we have been told is that God is jealous, and God can be very dangerous, and that if we do not do every single little thing written in that imposing black book that someone’s church lady mom told us that, if we didn’t do them all, that God would surely punish us for being disobedient? And this is when we are children – little tiny ones at that, and we are at that age when everything we are told by the adults in our lives is the very gospel truth…how is it that we are supposed to be even expected to trust anything or anyone outside of ourselves when we have been bullied into believing that the moment we step out of someone else’s way of being, we are already booked on a fast track vacation at Club Hades?

We are told forever to not trust anything other than the God who wants us dead for breathing wrong…and people wonder why those who were raised up in the church sometimes turn away from the church and toward a more welcoming belief, a more welcoming deity. We are told that our Father will care, as long as we do things his way, and that we are not to trust the Mother. Really?

Yes…really…and we are supposed to trust, too, that with the God of fear, that we will not ever be alone, but that we have a lot of stuff to do before that same God who scares the shit out of us will do anything at all for us. We are supposed to trust our mothers, but are told that the only one in the human family whose words matter are our human fathers. We are told that who we are is not good enough for this horrible male god to love us as we are, and we are told, NOT to trust anything at all that is female. Imagine being a little girl, and that you are already strange, already empowered with visions and knowing things before you are meant to, and that every time you tell people something will happen, it happens, and suddenly, people are not wanting to be around you because they are afraid they will end up being sinned on behalf of by you? Then, when you know that there is and has always been something out there and something bigger than you are, but that you refuse to see it as anything but purely gorgeous, people begin to leave your life, all over the name by which you refer to Spirit as.

Here is where we begin to feel all alone. Belief has made us become these people who we are. EVERYTHING that we do stems from the belief in us. In my case, I always have known that there is a higher power, that we are not truly alone, even when we are by ourselves. Yet I never believed that the god I was brought up to believe in, to be dearly scared of, was the very one which would also take care of me. The reason that things happen this way is because of our fear of things that we cannot see, that we cannot absolutely confirm will not happen to us. We choose to follow what is outside, hoping that all the people we see there will finally accept us as we are. When we meet up with these people and we find out that there are some who are more willing to see who we are not rather than who we are is when the ego kicks in.

We are told by strangers that if we do not believe as they do, that we are not okay to be with them, and the excuse is that we will not understand one another and that it would be weird.  This is bullshit. This is called exclusivity. This is part of why we feel like we have no traveling companions on this Path that we share with others at the same time that we are on it by ourselves. We are made in the image of Spirit, perfect and whole, and yes, different from one another, but we want the same things. We want to belong, and we want to know that when we hurt that someone will ultimately and at least ask us what is hurting us.

We feel alone because we are taught to be alone, are taught to not trust, and are taught to think that everyone else is out to get us, that we must be better than everyone else rather than one with them. We feel alone and unworthy because of what we were told to believe is the God of all when in reality not everyone calls Spirit God, and when it is that our beliefs are or were challenged, there came the day that what someone else said to us just simply made more sense to us than what we had been raised to believe as the truth. It might well have been the truth, but it was not our truth, and this is where the whole of us have gone horribly wrong. In our quest, or actually, in the quest of generations past, to find others like us, we somehow took it upon ourselves to create a reason to make other people who were not and are not like we are feel by themselves.

This is the truth that is the travesty – that we have been told for many years that if we do not seek out others like us, who believe in the same God that we have been forced to believe, that no one will love us, that unless we find other people who believe what we do, that we will be doomed to be alone. At this time in history we are collectively seeking others like us. The Bible thumping maniacs (note that I did NOT write actual real and good believers of Christianity or really, any of the mainstream belief systems…don’t go off unless you reread that and realize that really, I ain’t judgin’ your God…I am judging the way that a LOT OF PEOPLE raised their kids by forcing us to believe what we just cannot believe anymore…deal with it and stop being such a pansy ass…yeesh) of the world, the type who insist that we HAVE TO believe their way…these are the people who have, for MANY generations, made us and continue to make some people feel very alone.

You are not alone

Just because some crazy person told you, through quoting passages from their big fat black book, that you are going to hell, that the reason that you are alone is because you have not joined their fellowship, it does not make it the truth – it only makes it their truth. You are not alone, by any means. You just have not thought about what you really believe.

Once it is that we each figure out what rather than WHO we believe in, things begin to make a lot  more sense to us. We find out that we were never really alone, but that the only thing we were not doing was following what was right for us. Just because you were raised up in the church, it does not mean that you are going to believe in the God of your parents for the rest of your life. Just because you were told that you will have no friends in life and that if you stray from what your family told you and just because there are people who you share blood and a grandma with who vilify you and call you evil because you are not like them does not make it true that you are bad, evil, not acceptable to society.

Once it is that you realize that there are others who are just like you on this big giant planet, and once it is that you figure out that no matter what or who you believe in – it does not make you a bad person, but that it makes you true to you, you will know that all along, the only thing that your upbringing “in the church” was meant to do was show you that you are willing to be open minded, that you are able to believe in something outside of yourself, and that the whole time you were told all these bad things about a god that was meant to help keep you in line and all these things about how you will be …WILL BE burned at the stake for believing in any other god, it does not make it the truth of you.

Yup…basically, the reason that a whole lot of people have this yearning to go home, have this intrinsic feeling of aloneness, is because of the way that they are, that we are, choosing to believe, in someone else’s God.

Not for one moment are we alone. We just have to come out of the safety of the shell of what we might have believed at one time, and come to that place in life where it won’t matter that you be who you are, to anyone, but you, and that no matter what, your earth-bound mother will still love you, even if her God demands that you obey – OR ELSE, and your Mother Goddess tells you that today is the day that you should choose to be magnificent.

I Promise you, and I know this for real, that the people who love you for real will be the same people who, even if they believe differently than you do, will not NOT love you, just because you “lotus” instead of “kneel.”

No…really….I Promise…your people are out there waiting for you. You just have to know this and believe it, no matter what your parents’ God told you when you were a kid.





Chasing the Dragon (Yeah…I went there)

Every one of us has chased a dragon or two in our lives…

My dragon’s name was money. I will admit it. I will even place the Kuleana on the idea that it was my Moon in Taurus which compelled me, at one time, to chase every single opportunity that came my way, so long as it equaled money at the end for me. I will not venture to say that the things that I did were illegal, and neither that they all completely wholesome, but, they all indeed did net me something, and the most important thing that they ever netted me was a lesson – normally a very dearly needed lesson.

The things that we will opt to do for the things that we think we cannot live without are also the things that we can refer to as being our dragons

We think we cannot live without the things that we pine for, obsess over, and believe that the longer we chase them, the sooner we will have them, so long as we do not ever give up chasing them.

Let’s look at the word “chase,” for a moment, shall we? I don’t want to go into the literal meaning of the word, but rather, I want to venture into the energy that is the word “chase.” I know that when I think about the word “chase,” immediately I am inundated with thoughts of high speed police chases in Los Angeles, and automatically I am thinking about trying hard to attain something that continues to elude us. I am willing to say that I have had a hard time with chasing the dragon of an income that comes from only one source (my Spiritual Practice), but then again, I am not chasing anything anymore. I am building a business that, anymore now, as far as my own involvement is concerned, and like any other type of business, will take time. I was not the most patient person when it came to being able to continue with the accumulation of monetary wealth, and while it is that for the most part, I actually and technically did bring in extra monies from my activities, I will also tell you all that it did not matter where I got the money from, and no matter that it was NOT ill-gotten, I will say that I was not exactly happy with myself afterwards.

While I was able to satiate what I thought was a need (the need for me to feel financially secure), it turns out that I was doing what a lot of addiction specialists would tell you is classic addiction tendencies. These days I am very well to agree with them.  When I came to terms with the reason behind why I chased my particular dragon I was a mess emotionally. I had become the thing that I loathed, and I had become a person who I didn’t even like, at all, and it was because I allowed something that was fear to make me believe that I would, without a doubt, end up penniless.

Guess what?

I was right. 

The times that we are right and don’t want to be right are the times when we need to pay specific attention to the things that are happening with us on an internal level. When we feel like we have to come up with things in order to come up with other things, we know that we are chasing something and normally that ‘something’ will either elude us or we will end up not being able to get enough of it once we have “caught” it. This is the reality that most folks don’t think about when they are thinking in terms of being obsessive to the point of insanity.

What the hell are you chasing for real?

And why the hell are you chasing anything or anyone at all, even if it is metaphorically? Let’s think about that one for a moment, shall we?

Think about “Tom and Jerry,” and “Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner,” and these days, “Fairly Oddparents,” or perhaps even “Mr. Crabs” from cartoon “Sponge Bob Squarepants,”and see, there, too, the thing about a chase.

How many times does any one of these characters ever end up landing what it is that they are chasing? (Ummm rarely, if ever) How many times, should they eventually land what they are chasing, does it last very long? It doesn’t, and it doesn’t because the creators of those cartoons and those characters would have nothing to give to their waiting audience without these characters having a great need to chase whatever is their obsession.

Is it the thing that they are all chasing, or is it the idea that there will be enough, at least for a little while, of whatever is the feeling that a person gets from being able to breathe for a minute, even if that might mean selling out and selling one’s soul just to have it? Is it that the obsession is bigger than the reason? What is it that makes a human being feel like something outside of themselves is the absolute thing that anyone needs to get along in the immediate timeline of their lives?

Why is it so very important to anyone at all to chase what it is that we will?

I would imagine…

I would imagine that those who are obsessed with anything at all would not be able to see what it is that I am saying here. What I am saying here is that, I would imagine, to chase something, or someone, is akin to chasing the best high that anyone could hope to have. Now, don’t get me wrong – there are some things that I will admit to enjoying, and others that I VEHEMENTLY am opposed to. Because I am not willing to allow people, through my words, to think that I am judging anyone at all, I will refrain from stating that people who chase a high are pitiful, because I know a different thing than that.

However, I would imagine that the pursuit of something, and to say it in that manner, rather than to say that we are always chasing something, would allow a person to think about what it is that they are doing, not only to themselves, but also to the people in their lives. The people in our lives are there and studying us, observing what it is that we are always doing, and because we are always doing what we are always doing, it is very normal to us and could be thought as being our everyday normal behavior. It is when that behavior becomes the thing that others note us for. To be in pursuit of a goal is one thing, but to chase a dream, no matter how wonderful that sounds, seems as though the outcome would never come to be.

Pursuing something – that is not chasing something. That is giving the impression and the energy of someone who knows that there is a specific thing at the end of the energy that they want to see. “Pursuit” and “chase” mean essentially the very same thing, but the energy emitted by them each is very different. It is like the example that I give of noticing the different energy behind the words “choice” and “option.” They mean essentially the very same thing, but at the same time, they do not.

This is why I am very good at telling people that they need to be careful of the things that they say, because really, even though words mean the same thing, they are used in very different context.  Two words can mean the very same thing, but at the same time, their meanings are not the same, if you thought about it long enough. It is because of the other words in the sentences that we create that cause these words to be different.

When we think about “pursuing” and “chasing,” one denotes that we are fully in charge in pursuing our dreams, and the other makes us automatically think that we will chase something until it is too tired to continue eluding us. It is like having a choice to make, and being able to know what one’s different options are. They mean the same thing, but they don’t. This can also be said about the words “obsession” and “addiction.” While I know about one, I know nothing of the other, at least I don’t think I do, and I know, for sure, not firsthand.

The energy which is created by our words is real

I am a strange chick, make no mistake, but it is what makes me perfect for the work that I do in life. My work involves giving people a clue about why it is that certain words and the energy behind those words make all the difference in the world. That words mean the same thing is one thing, but that they have different energy is where I bring it to the world in a manner that is not the same as everyone else’s is.

So, my magical point here is that, when we are chasing something, we must think, too, that we will never catch up to it, and that if we finally ever do catch up to it, it will, via the very energy that tells us that there is a marked difference in words that essentially mean the same thing in the literal sense but in an energetic sense are as different as night and day.

We are more inclined to chase the dragons which are wrecking us. We are more apt to take the road that is heavily traveled, because we know that on that road we will not have to travel all alone. We know that for some people, chasing their own dragons seems to be the thing that they just…do…in life, and it doesn’t matter if said dragons are the sort created in a lab, or if those dragons are created in our thoughts. They all are the very same thing, that is, if we feel the need to chase anything at all.

It is like one spouse trying hard to make the other spouse not only not see them for who they are right this moment, but who also expects that same spouse to equate forgiveness with taking them back ,when in reality, forgiveness is one thing, and accepting people who hurt us in the past and creating the possibility that they will be able to come back into our lives in the same capacity they were there and in our lives in the first place and within that allowance will create the same havoc they did in the past. I see it all the time, and the unfortunate thing about this is that, the offending spouse is totally clueless about the real reason that the way they themselves want things to be are not the same way that their other person can have it.

It boils down to the idea that humans expect forgiveness, and when that forgiveness does not include everything it had to offer them in the past, they get ass hurt. The ass hurt is not the issue – it is the expectation that people love others more than they love themselves, and while that is a nice idea, it is also an idea that is not very safe and will not allow so that the outcome for the offending spouse will be what happens. This happens a whole lot in abusive relationships, where the one who hurt the other believes that what they did to the other person …that they should just get the fuck over it already and allow their creepiness to have a chance to invade life for the victim again. (I said it…victim…deal with it…you have to earn being a survivor)

Once it is that the offending person realizes that the person who they hurt the most and who trusted them, NOT with anything material, but with the keeping of the other’s Soul, this is when the cycle of abuse begins again. This is when it is that things can be likened to the chasing of dragons, because it becomes an obsession for the offender to chase being in control of someone else, of controlling how they feel and what they think, and it is nowhere. To an abuser it is nothing to not think before they speak, to believe that who they are is enough for someone else to no longer have the ability, let alone the common sense, to allow hurtful people, no matter who they are, close enough to them again for damage to be done.

Yet, the offender is so filled with all these emotions, all this arrogance, all these things that blind them to the reality that is the other person’s. The offender thinks and believes that everything is forgivable or at least negotiable, that people should understand their reasons for the abuse, that people need to get over themselves already so that they – the offenders – can have their way. That is really what, technically, it is all about. It is really about the control of a thing, when speaking in terms of abuse, and the control is what can be thought of as the thing being chased.

And chase it, they will.

They will chase it because every offender believes that their victim is not human, and that the victim has the capacity to be able to fit into their own lives and their own sense of sanity, one more person to create havoc in the world. It is the victim whose emotions are riddled with self-doubt, with rage, and with every little dent and ding to their souls, and it is the victim who knows the reality that is the offender’s, but it is the offender who will continue to believe that what it is that they think they need is housed inside of their victims, and the only way for them to land their particular dragon is to get what they think they need and obsess over from said victim. The madness continues, because it is not the victim that the offender is really and technically in need of, but rather and only the control that they can exert over their victim that they are chasing.

I did not, do not need to be told this stuff, because I was that victim. And that is all I will say further about the nightmare that was once my life.

I was that obsession, that addiction to needing control. I was that victim who earned her survivorhood, and was that victim who did not need to chase the dragon of freedom, because it was the pursuit of wholeness that mattered and not the absoluteness of needing to be told that I need to be afraid, that I need to do what the police to me to do (it failed almost every time), that I need to follow the recommended advice set forth by “experts” (who could not be as much an expert in this crap as any survivor of it is), that I needed to do much more than to just not give into the people who victimized me, the thing that they were obsessed with and even addicted to.

That one thing, as I already stated, is control.

Pursuing that which eludes us means one thing

Again, I will reiterate that what it is that we think we have to chase is also what controls us. This is why I used the example of domestic violence.

Anytime we think we need to chase anything at all is also time to stop and take notice of why.  If we obsess over things related to that one thing, and we find ourselves always thinking about it and also the real reason behind what it is that we think we are chasing it for, we will have in our midst the reason as to why it is that we feel that emptiness where the wholeness of completion should be. It does not take something or someone else to make our lives complete. It truly only takes our being able to accept things as they are at any given time.

If we thought long enough about the reasons that we become obsessed with people or addicted to things outside of ourselves, we will know, no matter what, that the reason we do what we do is because we have a void. It is in that void where the creation of who we are is at. It is not meant that we would fill that void with things and crap that is about or even technically is other people. Other people, no matter how great their intentions are, are going to and SHOULD be taking care of their own interests, because it is in that modicum of self-care that also accommodates not only the void, but allows us through that energy to also help others.

When we choose to fill the void with things that are not that  great for us, choose to do things to our bodies that we know will hurt us and will cause us more pain through the process and temporary elimination of that pain through “numbing things” of any kind at all, we are also choosing to tell Spirit that we are not good enough to be well, that we are not able to trust what we know has been set out for us and by Her so that we can ultimately not have to deal with the same pains again. That is what this thing called “The Process” is all about.  It is not meant to make us nutty – we choose to go that route when we choose to chase dragons and not pursue dreams.

Stop Chasing Dragons

Seriously, stop chasing dragons, no matter what they are. Whether it is that you are trying to fill the void with drugs, booze, other people, you need to understand that it will not be anyone else but you or anything else but your ability to take the dragons by the horns and lead it, rather than allow it to lead and control you.

Think about how easy it is for that Roadrunner to make that Coyote chase him…

…and Mr. Coyote has never successfully been able to catch or control that damned bird since September 17, 1949.

That’s like, 64 years, guys….

Think about it.




How to see Loss in a whole new way

No one likes to lose, ever. 

I used to be a very sore loser. It was because my whole life I was shown that people who lose, no matter what it is that they lose, always lose. I was taught that to be someone who loses, that this makes you a loser. What no one pounded into my head at that time was that my losses were not really losses. What I was never taught was the ability to see that maybe the things and people and situations in my life, at any time in my life, were not really losses but more and instead were times when whatever it was, or whoever it was, that would no longer be part of my life anymore, that it was not a loss, but a clearing.

Yes, a clearing. Clearing. Cleansing. Ridding or manipulation of the energy that is loss to see it another, more useful way is what I was never taught how to do. I had to learn to deal with things all on my own. While it was that I was taught as a kid to “trust the Lord,” which, make no mistake, I DID indeed trust my parents’ God, I have accepted at this point in my life that the reason it seemed, from time to time, that I was lost was NOT because I was lost, but because I never really and totally trusted the God who my parents worshiped, which eventually led me to trust nothing at all. I was told what I could believe, and that was that. I was told that I could trust nothing more than “The Lord” and that “The Lord” would handle all of my woes and all of my worries.

What no one told me about “The Lord” is that I needed to believe in what “The Lord” held for me. How was I to do that when  my whole life I was also scared to death of “The Lord.” I knew as a kid that one day, I would do as the R.E.M. song states and would eventually lose my religion. And I did, but I did not lose my belief in a Higher Power. I lost a part of my Self when I accepted that maybe my Mom’s “Lord” was not the “Lord” that would do best for or by me, and it is because I could not trust in a male entity who wanted an absoluteness of energy when it came to those who would follow his holy name. I could not then, much as I will not ever, bow down to a force called “The Lord,” even though I will say never not respect those who do believe in that same manner.

This was a significant loss for me in that all along, I wanted to totally believe that the god to whom my parents kneeled, and the very same one that I grew up believing in, would not be the very one to whom I chose to kneel any longer. It hurt me to feel like I had been chipping away at something that my mother built within me all my life, and when I finally came to the realization that what she taught me, I learned, it was like the storm passed. The guilt from not wanting to be called “saved” anymore finally left me, because it was not the indoctrination of a text called “The Holy Bible” that she was teaching me, but instead was the passionate nature of what she believed that stays with me.

You see, we each know when something is not right, and we are each more inclined to try hard to make what does not fit, fit, and we do this most of the time when someone else who is important to our Self has some sort of stake in it. In my case, it was my mother’s very dear belief that her God has and always will take care of her. In my case, I, too, believe, will never NOT believe, that Spirit and all of Her helpers will always be right there. I will always know to look at things from a spiritual perspective, and will always follow what is my first inclination from that energy that I carry with me that tells me that I am right and good in the eyes and the arms of Spirit, that no matter who judges me as this, that or the other, that in the eyes of the Goddess, I am the perfect representation of Her, am the whole picture of who I am supposed to be at this moment in time in my life, and that, above all, I am settled, happy and comfortable in the warmth that is the Love of the Mother Goddess.

Mama said there’d be days like this

It should be without mention that I have been through a lot lately, that a lot of us have been through more than our own fair share, but this is not something that the majority of us do not think about. All adults who are of a certain age have all lost something, someone, at one time or another, and in those losses there is always that one that will not leave our thoughts, and this is with reason. If we no longer think about the thing that we lost, we cannot see the thing that came along and made it seem like what we lost was not that big of a deal. Even though our losses can be thought of as gigantic huge deals, the fact of the matter is that unless and until we can see them as steps to other and better things, they will always only seem like losses.

What no one is really ever taught is that we lose things all the time. My best example is that everyday, every person who has a hair on their head loses at least 100 hairs every day. Yet, we won’t think about it unless we have to or unless someone else says something about it just as I just did. We lose the hairs on our heads because there is another hair growing in behind it, or maybe the hair that fell out broke off – whatever is the reason we lose those hairs is irrelevant to the one purpose that it falls out. Our hair falls out, for the most part and in most cases, because a new one is growing in and has started pushing the old ones out.

If we could think of things in this manner, like the things and people and situations in our lives as being like those hairs which fall out every single day, we would also see that in that way, just like the very hairs on your head, the people in your life, the situations in your life, the things in your life, all will fall away to make room for better people, things and situations. The old must go. This is not my rule but is the very rule of the grander universe.  I have written it in the past, have been told so by my many esteemed Spiritual teachers that if there is anything at all the the Universe abhors it is a void.

The Void is the reason that we get what we get when we think about the things that we need, want, desire, and more, do not want, need or desire, and the funny part about us human beings is that we are more inclined to dwell on what we do not want, rather than to daydream about what we do want. We have been conditioned to believe in the idea that who we are is not big enough to make a difference in our lives, have been taught, again and again, that we have to work at everything, and the truth is that yes, we do have to work, but most of the time we are working to keep our own selves sane from the things that we try to do that bear no fruit other than what we perceive as more losses.

I have a few friends who are in the middle of things going awry at the moment, and at the moment, they know exactly what it is that they need to do, but at the moment the thing that they have yet to do is accept that things, at this very moment in time, without going backwards or diving ahead forward and sticking only in this moment, the thing that has yet to be done is to accept this very moment. When we can accept this very moment, and utilize what it is that has created the void is when we can begin to release the emotional tendency that humans have that tell us that if we let things go, we are losing what control we have over whatever it is that is making us crazy at the time.

That’s right – what we think we are doing is anything but what needs to actually be done. When we try hard to not hurt others, what we are not thinking about is that maybe they are meant to be in that energy and that no matter what we try to do to help, that we will not be able to help, because the simple fact is that it is not our battle. The way that this ties into this and you being involved with anything that is not your own is that when you make it your own, and things go awry, you have invited in to your life the loss that has yet to be created.

Read that again if you will – when you choose to venture into a place where you know you are going to end up losing, and you still venture there, you have begun the start of the loss. Think about that and realize that it is the truth. There have been several times in my own life that I wanted to do something so dearly and someone else brought me what I needed for it to all happen, but something also told me that while these people had what I needed in a technical sense, what they lacked in a soul sense is what caused me to lose out on a dream that belonged to someone else. I wanted so badly to see them see their dream and in that want I realized loss.

And the bitch of it all was that it was not my loss to begin with but that in that energy I created the loss on my own.

Rather than trying to avoid losing things and people, perhaps it might be time that we all chose to see things as the chance to learn how not to lose what we need in our lives.

Perhaps it is time that we all see the gains brought by the loss



FRAYED: Light Workers Need to Rest right now

Being a Light Worker is a lot of work and requires a lot of energy. It can become draining when we do not know when to stop and take it back for ourselves.

I am the last person who is going to sit here and tell anyone else in this healing thing we do to stop and take a break for yourself, and it is because I am not one who cares much to stop and take breaks, and this is the thing, really, that has always crept up on me for a long time and has become a habit for me that I need to learn to break – the habit of believing that no one else can help my students other than me. This is the biggest lie that a lot of light workers believe is the truth, and that lie is that if we do not help everyone we come into contact with that we are somehow a bad person or somehow we are not worthy of our gifts.

I will not say that the Christian religion of today is what caused this belief in me, but I will say that the way that I was taught to be Christian while I was growing up was basically, in order to get into Heaven, you have to work yourself to completely drained state and that unless you do that, you have not done enough. It is a hard habit to break but I want each and every light worker who is reading this right now and who is also like what I have described here to know and believe that really, we are fooling ourselves if we think we are supposed to don an invisible cape that reads “Wonder Chick” and that we are, even when we are so very worn out, much like I am at present time, meant to take on one more “thing” that is essentially someone else’s.

We are not. We are not supposed to over-extend our own selves to the point where we are not only not able to help other people, but to the point, as well, that we are exhausted, NOT from people coming to us but from our taking on way too much. And yes, this is where I find myself right now and this is the reason why this is being written today.

Do not wait until you are frayed to take a break

I have been told, again and again, that I need to take time for me. Yet, that is something that I know that I have difficulty with and it is because I have guilt over things that cause me to think that “if only I had been there for this person and their problem, they might not have” gone through, happened upon, ended up with the thing or the people who they did end up with. It was not until a few days ago that I realized that I have simply overextended me, that I have given far more than I have accepted and received, that I am not as good at receiving as I am at giving and that most of all, I feel bad when I can’t help and I feel worse when I feel guilty for not having offered help.

Then, when I woke up today and thought about all the things that I am going through myself right now it hit me, hard, that it is now my turn for me to do my own healing because in my own life there is a man who is dying, three kids who need me, a set of parents who are not getting any younger, a family business that requires things being done, a pile of laundry that is not going to get into the washer by itself, and always, there are dishes to be washed, sheets to be changed….I think you are seeing what I am saying here. In all of my healing activities and teachings with my students, I have neglected the one thing that I teach the most – to take care of me and my self.

It is not wrong to take care of You

The biggest reason that I talk much about the Christian religion in regards to how I was raised in it is because by that religion I was taught a whole lot of things that really are not correct. The one thing that I was taught, because it was misinterpreted by me as a child, was that if we are to be Christic in our thoughts and actions and lives, then we have to do more than we are to Be. By this I mean that it is taught throughout the world, even now in some cases, that to give til you are drained is more pious than is to live by the soul and to love as big as you can, because in loving as big as we can we are already promoting healing.

It was my thought and then it became my way of being until recently that in order to receive love a person has to earn it, and that is just wrong. In order to receive love is through earning it is the way that I discerned, as a child, what God wanted me to do, which was to live as a pauper, take on the world, give all I have and not expect a damned thing in return, and guess what? I ain’t even got the proverbial pot to piss in, and my silly ass is trying hard to not do more for others than I have been willing to do for myself.

Be at least willing to do for yourself what you will do for anyone else, and believe, no matter what your mom’s big giant jealous mean God wants her to tell you is the truth, that to be good to one’s self is a form of Love but is NOT selfishness

I cannot believe that it took me this long to just NOT take on so much. I can take on enough just with my own life at present, and it will please people to know, too, that you can also all do this. Don’t take this as being my giving permission to anyone for anything because I do not have the right nor the power to make anyone do anything…as has been proved to me this last month alone. NO matter what it is that I have intended or taught and no matter how well intended I want to believe someone else is, anyone else, is, I have to remain true to me, too. In all of the activity that I have been engaged in with teaching and healing (and NOT making a mint doing it…I am not a high-priced guru…I’m a teacher and a healer…there IS a difference), while it is that I was taking pretty good care of my charges, I was doing a lousy job with me.

I thought about dropping all of them, but the thought vanished because that leaves open the circle that is the energetic answer to everything else. No, I can’t do that, but what I can do and have chosen to do is step away from everyone else’s crap and handle my own life in progress.

On Behalf of Exhausted and Spent Light Workers Worldwide

On behalf of the rest of the world of professional weirdos, I think it is time that someone spoke to the world to tell you all that we need a break. We need our students to please understand that we are tired, especially now in this time when everything in the world and in the lives of people everywhere, is, essentially, a big fat mess. Most of us want to help still, but all of us are tired and all of us are tired of repeating ourselves.  Most of us know that you need our energy, but we need our energy, too, and no, I am not talking to any one particular student, but to the whole world of people who want to lean on the energies of anyone else.

If you are in a bind that you think you cannot get out of, the problem is not that someone else won’t let go, but that you are not believing that they can let go on their own. The reason why it seems this way is because you are not believing it yourself. If you want them to let go, then you have to let go, too, and you have to do it for real and not just say it. You have to believe it. If you are constantly being lied to, and this is for light workers like myself who want to trust everyone but knows that we cannot, the only thing I am going to say is that the only reason to hang on to anyone at all is not because you want them to change but because you love them, with the knowing that they are not going to NOT be full of crap. You have to let them go and see to it that you – YOU are no longer lied to rather than trying to make a liar be honest.

Know now that you cannot now nor ever change someone else. If there is one thing that is maddening to any healer, it is the idea that any one of us can take away your pain. We cannot. I cannot stress this enough. The real job of a healer is to teach our charges how to deal with their maladies from the soul level and to follow the path that their souls lead them on in order to figure out, thus far, how it is that anybody gets to where they are right this moment. We cannot judge your future because that is up to you to create. The only thing that we can do for you is to observe and advise. While I am sure that there are people on this planet who can heal someone, I am not one of them who will be so bold to make such a claim. While I am very good at teaching others how to bring healing into their lives, only a fool would believe that I am powerful enough to make you or anyone else, whole again.

This is not to assume that there are not those on the planet with the magic touch, and neither to assume that there are not people who need just that. It is to state that there are a whole lot of us healers right now who are in need of rest, in need of a recharge, and there are so many people right now hurting that we, the healing populace, are beside ourselves with all of the things that we see and all of the things that we hear and all of the things that we know could be done if people would just realize that it is not me nor someone like me – a healer – who they need to depend on, but themselves and the things that we have taught them to do for themselves to the best of their ability thus far.

While I will not state that I do not see miraculous things that maybe not a whole lot of other people do, I will state that I have seen, recently, the magic that is people reaching out for healing, meaning that they have learned to believe in things outside of themselves.

Now all they have to do is put into practice what it is that they have learned and accept that they are as powerful as they want to think they are. There is never a time in any healer’s life that anyone of us should be feeling frayed or frazzled, but right now, more than only this Kahuna is feeling the strain of the weight of the private worlds of each of our charges. We need to believe our way out of this energy, we healers do, and we need our charges to know that we are not above them in terms of being human.

It is not a matter of thinking, folks, but believing that you are able and powerful.

I believe you are.

I Love You All!


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That which lurks beneath

What you see above the surface only tells a small part of the story

To see me these days is to not realize that I have been through what a whole lot of people would deem as being “hell.” I have had to get through a whole lot, and ahead of me there are still a few things that I have to deal with, and deal with them beginning now and right in this moment. It is not that I have not dealt with what is left, but that there is no real way to prepare one’s self for certain, life-altering events that are upon me. I can sit here and tell anyone within earshot that indeed, I am ready for that one last thing that is going to happen, but the very truth of me is that there is no one real way for me to prepare for it, no real way for me to be completely ready for it all to culminate, and that really, I may be as ready as I am going to be at this moment ,because, really, there is no way to deal with what is ahead of me.  I have never been right where I am at this time.

There are a few people who know what I am talking about, and really, the thing that is ahead of me is not really that big of a deal, even though it can be and has been thought of being just exactly that – a big fat hairy giant deal.  That I refuse to say what it is here is one thing, but that i cannot say enough about how this one event that is impending and unavoidable for me is as giant as it is in terms of learning my own measure of strength, of my ability to heal from the wounds of the past through the employ of that energy of woundedness, that has been the greatest teacher of all in that what hurt me did not kill me…well, we shall say that on the outside, while i am reserved about what it is that I am faced with is one thing. That I am freaking out on the inside is quite another thing, because I have made freaking out internally and quietly to that of an art form.

To have been through what anyone would go through that was the lessons brought about through the pleadings of the Soul within is one thing, but the other thing about this all is that when we are learning anything, we are supposed to use the pain and the agony, along with the glory and the victory, that is the light and energy of the Soul. It is the soul which is the teacher, rather than the actual teacher, and which is the part of us that either “gets it” or does not, in terms of what it is that we are learning and of that which lurks beneath. Where it is that there is pain within, it is the seeds created from that pain in the void that we are choosing to fill that void with ,which brings about the lessons we so dearly need and have asked for.

Beneath the Surface

It is beneath the proverbial surface of things where the lessons at hand are learned. For the outer, physical world to respond with the manifestation of the intended “thing” , there has to be an inner world that is the energy from where that thing grows. Our growth in the soul is what happens when we are hurt by the things that are outside of us and that, for the most part, we have no control over. It is not the thing that happens on the outside of us that is the teacher only, but the energetic response on the inside that brings about the rest of the culminated “thing” that we are waiting for.

Beneath the surface is where the energy counts, and it counts in a big fat hairy way, because it is not the way that we see with the Ego that matters, but more, the way that the Soul responds to the energy and how the Soul understands the way that it is reading the energy. If you are hurt by the energy on the outside, the corresponding energy will be the feeling of that hurt, and more of that hurt will be what comes to us if we are not willing to look at it and address it and deal with it on the level that we are feeling and experiencing it. 

How we feel about anything dictates also how we will view anything.

If we feel in the soul that what we are looking at and faced with is not worth the time that we know it is going to take in order to grow from whatever it is that is pissing us off, our time with that lesson will be long and difficult. If we are only willing to see what is the hard work involved in anything, then the only thing that we are ever going to connect with is the hard work and we all know that for the most part, hard work sucks. If we are willing to keep an open mind and heart and soul about ourselves, and we are willing to see the hard work as being the catalyst which will spawn the future and the since it is that we cannot see the actuality of the future but that we are able to plant the seeds of the future right at this very moment in time, we will find that the hard work in relation to the energy being created by us and for us is all meant and when something is meant, it will just be. 

The way that we are willing to see a situation, a person, a place, a thought, is the way that the outer energy will respond. We are in control of how we feel about anything at all, and when we realize that the things that we are thinking are also the things which are dictating how we feel, we can, at that time, tear it all apart, bit by bit, and find out where it is that we are not thinkin’ right about anything.

The Way that we are willing to see anything is the actuality of what is our belief

If the only way that you see and judge what is your own thought by the way that what you have shared with someone else and that they are also judging as being your truth, you are allowing someone else’s thoughts to direct your beliefs. Again, beliefs are not just the religious type, but are also the things that you are willing to believe about yourself.

The things that play over and over again in your head are the things that have shaped you to this point. The things that are there and just beneath the surface of your Self and the version of you who is “in the real” and who people see as You was created by every little thing that has ever happened in your life. Whatever it is that has happened to you, with you, for you, by you has been what has brought you to this consciousness in the manner that you are here and now.

Because of everything that you have been through, have seen or done, said, heard – all of it brought you to this belief about you that you think is the only truth and also that you might believe will always be the  only truth that is yours. When you can acknowledge all that lurks beneath the surface and when you can accept those things about you that might not be that great, it will be at that time where all that has happened and has taught you, no matter what you have learned, comes into play.

You become the evidence of how you have grown to be who you are now and become the proof that indeed, thoughts are things.

The thoughts that you have had all this time that were not the greatest about your self have been what have brought you to this point where you feel like everything is not that great in your life. If you think this way, things will end up this way, and this same thing is the truth the other way, the positive way. Too many of us are not willing to acknowledge what is there and lurking beneath the surface of who we show the world we are. Too many of us want to believe that the facade with the smile and the sparkling eyes, even as there is an emptiness behind the sparkle, is the reality of who we each and all are.

We have all grown into a collective mess of a whole that no one can deal with, and we cannot deal with it because the truth of us as that whole is that we are tired of living the lie that is pretend happiness. All we have been taught to do our entire collective life is to not show emotion, to not let the world know when we need something, and then we store that emotional upset in the Bones of our Souls.

Eventually, the Bones, they break, and we end up puking our soul out through the tears that were never cried, and the rage that was never allowed to surface, and the resentment that we never bothered to acknowledge. Things that bother us tend to stay with us until we are able to resolve them. We cannot NOT resolve them, but we try our damnedest to ignore the things that make us hurt. When we ignore our hurt , we do not grow. When we do not grow, we cannot live.

When we bother to deal with the things that lurk beneath the facade, beneath the surface of who we tell the world we are, versus the reality of who we are, beneath, then and only then is when real growth, the sort we are afraid to happen for us because we do not want to face the things that lurk and hide and make us crazy.

When we can face the demons which lurk beneath the surface of the facade is when the growing pains we are meant to feel become all the more real. We need to feel them, no matter and regardless if whether or not we want to.

We want to grow, but we want to stick with what has not worked, ever.

Learn to embrace the hurting, accept the ugliness that has happened in your life and then stretch to accommodate who you are becoming.

What lurks beneath is the reality of who you are.

Stop hiding it.



Operation SoulShine


Sisterhood of the Soul

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