I know that I am not only speaking for myself when I say that lately, the days and nights have seemingly melted into the miry abyss that is “Awwww F*CK! AGAIN?!!!” … Yes…again…
I don’t know about any of you who are reading this, but I am about as tired as a person can get, and it is not just any level of tired, but a tiredness that is deep, a tiredness that makes a person ache for better days, wanting for nights which end peacefully, and most of all, the start of the second half of each of our lives, and naturally, the second half which includes all the new people in it that we each have called into our lives and who each have a place there. There are people who, for years, were not there, but are back and there now, and like the new ones, we know they are permanent.
And really…no bullshit…it is quite nice.
Think about it for a minute, and you will realize that, even though (yep…I’m just going to say it) collectively, life seems to be daily taking a large, nasty crap on the whole of us, it has bonded us to one another. Each of us has this new breath of life in some manner, everyday. It is that one thing, no matter what it is for the each of us, that keeps us going. No, really, again…think about it, and you will figure it all out – things suck ass right now, even though, paradoxically, they sort of rule.
Sorta ruling is better than completely sucking
It is not that easy to try to get anyone to change their thinking habits. Thoughts are habits, really, and the manner in which we think them is also physically a habit. Some of us sit to think, and many of us, when we are in a solitary moment of brainstorming our lives in conjunction with the Goddess’ plan for them, pace.
I pace, because I know that brainstorming one’s own life is not only delicate work, but tedious, and really, it is downright dirty work. And not the kind that you need soap for, but the sort you need to have strength of soul for, seriously. At this time there are a lot of people in my life, people who are very, very close to me, with whom I have shared a lot of time, spoken a lot of words, shared much laughter, and all of it is meant in order for me to get to this point where I actually DO know who I can trust.
This is the dirtywork I am talking about, and it is dirty because right now, we have what I have always called a “balance of extremes.” If you thought about it long enough, and let your brain stew about it all, and could, from a third party state of mind, take a very scrutinizing and painful look at what it is that we have each and all been hiding, not only from others, but from ourselves, we would realize that we are each and all hiding about what we are hiding.
That is what all of this is about right now. Take, for example, my tenth house. It is ruled by the moon in my chart, which is in Taurus. Taurus is the CEO of the Zodiac. And Taurus behaves like it – no lie. So, because of this, it is almost like me to wade through the hallways of my own mind, and in the water of my own thoughts, about how many times I really, dearly tried to work for someone, in contrast to my working WITH someone else, and it was always when I worked WITH someone else that I got the best results.
I know this about me, that I do not like being told what to do unless I ask for help. Period. Yes. I was indeed one of those kids who always wailed “I WILL DO IT BY MYSELF!” and normally I meant it. I hate asking for help. Anyone who knows me knows this about me. I am a freedom loving person. And everything about me, even the people with whom I spend the most time, whether on the phone or in person, or both, knows this about me. I do not want anything else for them than that which I would want for me, which, is freedom, but from what?
I figured something out. It is not a “from what,” at all. It is a “for.”
The freedom to be me so that I can do FOR other people, that which I also do for myself. That is what this is all about. Meaning that, if I ask someone to help me, it is only because I know that, if it were the other way around, they know I would do what I can, even if it is a minimal thing. How this is any way at all tied to the title of this writing is coming…I promise…the reason that I have used this as my example is because, in the company called “ROX, Inc.,” I am every employee. They way that I treat my employees is the way that I hope to be treated in return. There are several of them who could fine tune their skills, and there are a few who need some serious help, and there are those who are bad asses and they know they are, and then, there is the person in charge.
And right now, the person in charge is going through the employee files and seeing which one of her people needs to brush up, needs to clean up, needs to shut the fuck up, and which ones whose time is up…and really, guys, it is down and dirty dirty work. For reals. It is not easy in real life to tell people that they are not doing what they know they are supposed to, and eventually, we have to excuse them from our lives. Most of the time, it is people who have been there at a constant, getting away with less than attractive qualities about themselves, expecting that they should continue to get away with treating anyone else in a manner which would be unacceptable to themselves.
The hard part of cleaning of the things in our own personal “Inc” is that, what we are looking at with people who are physically in our lives and who we know no longer belong there is a piece, a mirror of ourselves, and what they are showing us is that, whatever it is that is bothering us that is alive in them is also alive in us. The people who we cannot stand the most, I am finding out, are the people who have qualities in them that makes us feel a certain way about ourselves and this continues to happen until we go through our “employee files” and go through them with a fine tooth comb and one by one, promote, or fire, those who warrant those actions. It is through these assholes in our lives that we find the inner employees who need to eitehr shape up, or get the hell gone. In my case…there are a lot of my inner employees who have been pink-slipped, permanently.
And it was not an easy thing to do, letting them go, but I had to. If I hadn’t, I might not be where I am now, which is a LOT better than where I last was.
Seriously…I have been asked…what is the thing that this …firing…of pieces of ourselves do for us?
Here, let me tell you a story….actually, it is an observation that, over time, became something that I just really began to study, literally, in every way possible that I could. I began to make a study of peoples’ habits and what I found out is that our habits are a response to theirs. This includes our personal energetic responses.
When someone does or says something that bothers us, we immediately have a bodily response. Normally, our gut will tell us. When there’s a knot the answer is “NO.” The only way to make the knot from the NOT go away is to rethink the word…like this…and yes, it took me a while to learn to do it.
But I did it. I’m still doing it.
When it was that I knew I was being baited for at least a pain in the ass argument with anyone, instead of buying into their bullshit, I allowed them their moment. I stayed silent. It took me a long time to respond (by not responding), and a long time to really listen to this person and realize that for years, I had been defending myself for nothing, because all of the things that this madman was saying to me was meant to hurt me. It took me time to no longer have an emotional response. I realized, this week even, that all these years, I had been, through my own defending myself against the ridiculous lies that were hitting me in the ears all the time, validating a madman.
The madwoman in me chose to no longer allow the madman in. Because the madwoman is good on her own, and really has, instead of choosing to entertain madmen, chosen to cozy up to her own truth. My own truth was that I knew I hadn’t been treated well, because when I saw others being treated in that same way it made me really, really mad. To the point where I would react, very poorly. The day I caught it was probably the most freeing day I ever had, because I saw what I thought I had been hiding behind NOT hiding it.
I don’t do bravado, but on that day, I found out that I do catty really, really well, and I did not like it. It was not needed. I find that I like me way more when I choose brainy. Brainy gets it done correctly every time these days. Where once I was a very impatient pain in the ass, I find it to be a far more savory experience, not only knowing that I can control myself, a LOT better these days, but that, catty comes in handy here, where it is that now, I do not have to respond to any asshole human beings. My response is just really to have no response. And like an actual cat who ignores its human, I assume, and somehow enjoys it, it is quite the experience to watch someone who is planning on you losing it, lose it.
It took me a long time to learn to do this. It took me a long time to decide that this person who chose to hurt me when they could just have NOT, did so, and it was not until I chose to no longer let the madman in that I realized I could clean house, so to speak. I could choose NOT to emotionally feel my way through all of the things that my Piscean brain conjures within itself. Instead, when it is that I need to knock my own shit off, I lean on the bull, on the Taurean moon, on the part of me that emotionally, even being a Pisces, I am able to deal with things.
Lots of things, I found out.
The pressure is on, guys
The pressure is on for us all to do whatever it is that we have to do in order to be our best, highest selves. This means that through this energy, we find that there are a LOT of things that we do that we do not need to do, and likely no longer need that energy in our lives. Reread that – there are habits that we perform that we are not aware that we are performing that, for the life of us, we cannot seem to let go of. We each have habits that we have, that annoy the hell out of us, but we believe we are helpless to do anything about.
The truth is, though, that we are not helpless, at least not when it comes to our own habits. We created the habits, and yes, we might have had some help from other people in the creation of those habits, but none the less we are who is responsible for them, including and even and especially the breaking or changing of those habits.
This is what I mean by the pressure is on us to do something, anything, to make the “ugh” of the current moment not so “ugh.”
We don’t realize that we are who makes our own lives somewhat difficult, and it is not for a lot else more than the way that we react, rather than respond, to certain situations in our lives. I am not suggesting at all that the things that,in our lives, do not warrant our having the reactions that we do, do not have the energy and neither the potential to make us nutty from the inside out. I am suggesting, though, that there are a lot of different, creative ways that we can look at the things that are making us crazy with frustration, with fear, with all the things that we need to look at, but are thinking we are helpless to do a thing about them all, and that once it is that we have created another, new habit, we find out that we were fearful for reasons other than the obvious ones.
We do not have control over other people. We have control over ourselves, and in that control we have the power to do, or not do, something about anything at all.
It isn’t easy not handling things the way that we always have. It isn’t easy trying to look at them all and not see the pile of shit there that needs us to do something about it. It is easy, though, to step ahead of our reaction, think about why we are reacting, and easy to practice responding to it all.
Sometimes we do not realize that a change in our outer circumstances is the heads up that we need from the Universe telling us that it is our turn…
…sometimes, it is the pressure that we feel from the way that we have always reacted to anything that is what needs to be changed rather than the outer circumstances.
It rarely, if ever, is anything outside of us that is bothering us. It usually, if not always, is how we feel and emote about what is happening that needs to be different…
I LOVE YOU ALL !
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