Tag Archives: Truth

In Black and White

zebra-stripes

We all know what we do not want…but…do we know what we DO want?

I am Kahuna.

I will not lie- I have always enjoyed the strange nature of things that go on in the ether, but, for the first part of my life on this planet and in this lifetime, while it was that I was very curious about the weirdness, I was terrified of it at the same time that I was curious about it. The bottom line, all of my life, and even sometimes now, I had a fear, not of going to hell, but of letting my parents -particularly my mother – down.

Fast forward to the Now , and with the help of my Maestro, I realized what I feared was that my mom would so dearly be hurt (which she won’t admit to being but I know that she was), and that she might not love me anymore. I feared that my challenge to what was right and correct and true to her would be what made her not love me. I was terrified that she would judge me for who I am now, for what I like now, for who I Love the most right now…but, that did not happen. What happened was that my mother, in all of her motherliness, actually did what I, myself, have had to do, for what seems like a very long time, but really is not – I did that thing called “accepting my kids for who they truly are,” and nurtured that energy within them.

Essentially, I became the mom I did not have. This is not stating that her as my mother was not the best that I could ever have (because now that I think about it, she was actually trying to protect me. All water signs live through a belief that we have to fear everything…please, keep reading…), because without my mom and all of her religious belief, lots of things that did not happen in my life that could have happened were never realized. What was realized, over time, was that there was nothing that I was taught that was not of some sort of good learning for me.

What I learned was that my mother’s way of love for me was very black and white (and it had to be, because I am, by her own stating so, her “wild child”), was cut to the chase and held no secrecy, at least in terms of the absoluteness that is a mother’s love. What I was shown by the Maestro (as well as my oldest) most recently was that what my mom taught me were the lessons of growing out of those expectations and into my own vision of my life, of what would be contained there, of who would be allowed in it, and how much I was willing to see to it that I would remain who I am – this mom, this “Pineapple,” this Me who is the Me who I love so very much and who my Hanai Ohana would be remiss to know that I chose to change to please other people. I know who matters. If change is required, I will know who is the reason why some changes need to happen for me.

I always felt my mom did not like me as a person. I was wrong. I had felt that way all my life, like if I changed one thing about her conjured version of “me,” that I would lose my mother’s love.

This was, and still is, a primary fear for us all – that our parents will be so disappointed in us and as who we truly are or that we are not doing things their way, that ultimately, we fear losing their love. This does not address the idea that some of us (again, including me), still live in that energy and don’t even know it. The feeling denotes that somewhere within us, we do not have (or think we don’t have) the earliest, most…”spot-welded” moment, where every single one of our sensations, bodily and emotionally, can be recalled, and we can feel everything from that moment as though it were right now. In that moment are snippets and snapshots of it, and of every other one that was also spot-welded in our psyches, that prove through our digging for the truth, that we won’t lose the love of those most important to us and in our lives.

This is the defining moment of who we know as mom or dad and of who they are, specifically and in those roles, in our lives. This is the time that the emotional temperature gauge is set, when we are children, even though we do not realize it. It is also the time in our lives that we, at least in my opinion, have initially brain-mapped ourselves into the energy of the reality, to our little tiny brains, that is “mom” and “dad.” In my life, my recollection of this is so dearly planted, and at times the memories so very painful, and why? Because I could not identify with her role in my life as much as I could my dad’s (he is kind of a brainiac).

I was Daddy’s little princess, and I did not become Mommy’s little girl until I was in 2nd grade. Sure, she might tell you differently, but, this is my remembrance of how it came to be that I would know my mom in her role as mom, and my dad in his role as that person, and how it affects our abilities of communicating what it is that we are trying to utilize in our very most important relationships.

When we are not able to speak our own truths, it is because, I think, of the reward system planted in our heads as children. In my lifetime, as a child, one parent was more encouraging, and the other was the disciplinarian. On the one hand, I was encouraged by both of them to excel in my gifts and talents and the use of them, and on the other hand, I was confused all the time because everything was cause for their God to punish me and that I would end up being sent to hell.

This is how my mother did her mothering for a time – via the fear of God, which I now understand was something that she was able to use as her means of scaring me enough to behave properly (WRONG way to do it, namely if you want your kids to even think to remain with the belief system they grew up with).

I always felt like I was being judged very harshly by her and that most of the time she was picking on me. The realest thing to me then was my own fear of her judgment, but now, I understand that it was not that she was judging me, but that she was still trying hard to get her own parents to at least show her a tiny bit of love that came without condition by trying hard to be the disciplinarian mom (like my grandmother – a Sagittarius – fire, action, catalytic…there is no way my mother, even now, could be a fire sign mom because she is water). She used the phrase “constructive criticism” a lot, which told me that I was a damaged person and would never be right, never be smart enough, good enough, and this equated to my also believing that I had to prove that I was worthy of her SHOW of love.

The way that this always presented itself to me was not what she expected or perhaps had hoped for.I am sure that she thought that what she was doing, because it is how she was shown love by my grandparents (which was without a whole lot of a show of affection…how could they? My Kupuna had six kids!) She did not know until I came around just how difficult it was for her to show affection to others. I am sure that she tried a whole lot to bring herself to that point of that show for me, but, I was not shown this and at a very young age it seemed as though I was more akin to a family pet, perhaps even a show pony. Little did I know or could I have even comprehended that it was not that she did not love me, because I know very well that she did and does. It was that she did not know how to show it properly, and it was because she was not shown it by her own parents the manner that she needed to see it. I know this by her manner of speaking about her own youth, and most of what she says is laden with the energy of discipline as being my grandparents’ ability to love all of their children.

While discipline is a form of Love, it cannot be the only form, because if it is, it will be the only kind that is correct, recognizable and even acceptable.

Think about it.

Love, whether you want to think so or not, is very black and white

Love is black and white.

What I mean by this is that we know when the measure of love that we need is being given to us or withheld from us. What we do not know is the reason why, but, based on how we were each raised will be the way that we form the opinion that will also form the habit which typically happens that represents the energy that we have been presented with as or not as “Love.”

We are rarely truly clear on things. We don’t want other people to hurt, and we also do not want to hurt. We try so very hard to not hurt them by censoring ourselves when we think we need to, and then when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, and we are each in that mode of guardedness, we find ourselves right back at square one, right back to that place where there is confusion, where there is miscommunication, where the hurt is contained.

We also and dearly, the very each of us, cannot believe that anyone else truly and absolutely Loves us. After we have confirmation of this one thing, lots of folks try to find a flaw in it, try to find where it is that we are going to screw things up, where they might not love us anymore because they found out that we are not perfect, that we are merely humans, and that truly, we are as much an imperfect creature as anyone else would be. When it is truly that other people are seeing us, and we are seeing them through the eyes of Love, we are able, NOT to look past the things intentionally done to cause harm, but, instead, to see the truth of them in black and white.

And indeed..inherently and embedded in all Human Beings is this capacity to Love, in black and white, without any bullshit. This is when it is the real thing.

The Truth of Others, in black and white

Our perception of others is based on the things that we have experienced with them, through them.

When we feel a little bit of reservation about people (which, make no mistake, we always do all the time, where strangers and those who have hurt us in the past are concerned), we are, without realizing so, prompting ourselves to seek further answers, to look for a different truth that matches what it is that we are believing.

When we cannot make sense of the truth that we are experiencing (and not one of us has the right to call someone else’s truth about themselves or their experiences “wrong” just because it is not the same as ours is…please – keep reading…) and we are not able to grasp why it is that we are going through something, you can bet that the black and white energy of that situation is going to make itself known to you. This is not my rule. This is the rule of reciprocation, the rule that could be thought of as a transaction, like when you go to the grocery store and you exchange money for goods.

It is this same sort of energy tangibly, but different, because the exchange is ethereal energy rather than tangible things.

That is also where we end up a little bit confused – the idea that we are able to exchange energies, even across great distances. We are able to hone in on the truth of others, if it is that we are particularly close to those others. It is not something that can be avoided, really, if it is that we are that close in energies. It is actually a gift, our abilities towards knowing when those within our Hanai Ohana are hurting, are in turmoil, are in need of some sort of special, loving energy. This output of energies is also the thing that we can learn to utilize in terms of when to just maintain our distance so that our loved ones can recharge themselves (solitude – we all need it from time to time). We all have that need – to recharge. When those closest to us request, whether they do so kindly or sharply, a need for solitude, it is wise to honor it.

It is wise to honor their need in that time for one reason – they have been black and white, most likely, and most likely when they have not been, it is because they do not realize that this is their desire. In black and white terms, we all are in need of this sort of thing, and when we are not given this we lash out and we make things difficult, but mostly for ourselves where they are concerned.

What is also black and white but not quite something that we think about in terms of other people, is the sensations bodily that we feel when we are not sure of the answers that someone else is giving us in terms of who they are in relation to us and our energies. This is when what comes out of our mouth might or might not be believable, and it is not them perceiving what we are saying incorrectly, but our own cue as to us having to learn to discern what is our energy versus what is someone else’s.

When we are particularly close to one other person, as is the case between myself and my other half, it can be confusing in that we cannot discern between what is our own versus what is the others’ and sometimes, it is neither. Sometimes, the things that we feel and sense are the cues coming from the ether, from that place in the cosmos that reaches into our psyche and shows us what we are made of. It is that place that tells us when we are in need of repair, or in need of repairing something that we have done that caused damage to another person. It is within our own symbolism of the visions that we all end up having, the very ones that look like a memory that we would rather not look at again which holds the key to healing that part of our selves, and ultimately our lives. Without this sort of awareness, we float in the sea of confusion until we have created a means by which we are able to, through our own symbolism, understand what it is that we are receiving as a message from the Universe.

Usually the messages from the Universe, while they might scare us, they serve a purpose. That purpose is, through a process of thought born in the brain (and in the case of ANY human female – it is called Critical Thinking…bear it, ladies – we are not biologically able to think in a logical manner. We are emotional beings. Prove me wrong….but I am betting you won’t be able…don’t get ass hurt. Just deal with it and learn about how to think critically. I’ll teach you….) and is totally our own creation, so that we can understand that Love is black and white, on all levels, and that no matter what, we are not able to change it because it has to be allowed to grow.

Once we have looked at the black and the white, we will find there inside of that energy, the truth that is there and is ours.

Truth, while it is ever changing, is also static until we have created better and more believable truths, and truths which feel good and not like we are somehow the world’s biggest fool for wanting to simply just be who we are, truthfully, in black and white….

Where is it in your own life, and in your own thoughts, that you are not practicing the black and white nature of Self-Love and Self-Care, the sort that makes each and every one of us pause for thought, and not pausing for thought of the detrimental sort (we beat the shit out of ourselves over the good opinions of other people, all the time), but pause for thought that has become the truth that we are unaware of as being our own, created through our own means and measure, and the very truth that we do not realize til right this moment that we have been living in.

Please believe your own good, black and white, loving truth about you.

And think, too, about the answer to this question – is your truth about yourself the truth, period? If it is not, can you think of what it is that would make you believe what is someone else’s worn out and outdated truth, perhaps even of the you that you once were?

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Allowed to Fly

The Mana'o Blog_ Like The Soul Released from its Cage

Every person on this planet has the duty to grow from the inside, out. When we have accepted what is before us, even though we might not like it, it is like we have been allowed to spread our wings and fly

The last year has been a bitch.

All of us has been through a whole lot, and even though it was all harsh, it was all there and in place and took place for all sorts of reasons, with the one most important reason being that when we are in the middle of growing our souls, and we are not aware that this is what is going on, we are more inclined to see the current things happening in our lives as being nothing more than one more thing that we did not need to happen for us.

Yes…for us

For us.

It rarely occurs to others that the throes of things that suck and have visited our lives and seem like they are taking forever to leave our lives has everything to do with the idea that as humans, we have been taught, as well as it is inborn, to hold onto things, even if they are not good for us or no longer hold any purpose for us – we hang on to things in our lives, even the bad things, because those things mean something to us.

They mean something to us for the one reason that no one tends to really and truly think about, and that one thing is that everything that gets in our faces, so to speak, and continues to get in our faces are in our faces because they are showing us something. Typically, what those things are showing us are things that we have not wanted to face, have not completely been able to wrap our heads around. All we can see, and all we can feel, and all that we can understand is that we are at a loss, even though, in many ways, our losses were instead the gains that we have no idea they are. What we are gaining is not just a better understanding of what it is that we have been through and why we have gone through it all, but more, so that we can see, through those things that are no longer there, the thing that has been left there.

We can call it a void, but that is such a negative way of saying that we are taught what we are taught the way that we need to learn it all – Spirit does not make mistakes, she only makes sure that the things we are meant to learn and that are pertinent to the things that we are here and purposed with imparting through our own life’s teachings, we learn. Not everyone is like I am – I LOVE to learn. As sick as it sounds, once it is that a certain harsh lesson has come to me and once it is that I have gone through that lesson, it is not unlike me to revisit, at least in my thoughts, the things that I went through, picking it all apart to find the diamond in the excrement, find the treasure in the proverbial dumpster behind the thrift store.

What learning through doing does for us

I say a whole lot about bravery and how it requires us to be afraid on some level. It is bravery that helps us make choices that otherwise, we would not. It is bravery that allows us to know what is the truth of any situation, and bravery that, within that situation, makes it so that we are more able to see the truth of ourselves. Bravery does NOT require any measure of bravado, because bravado is not the truth – bravado is simply bravado and bravado is the thing that has brought many strong nations to its knees. I am not talking about bravado.

I am talking about knowing that you are scared to death of something that is in the here in now, and knowing that if the choice to not be brave is not there yet, that nothing blocking our path will change, because we have chosen, at that time, to study why it is, through our own self reporting, by journaling or speaking to one’s own self and soul, that we know we are or are not ready, are or are not brave enough to face the demons which live within our own selves. Being brave is very different than wearing a mask of bravado. Bravado is part of the ego’s arsenal, while bravery is born in the Soul. Bravado is the thing that is needed when encountering others who are also wearing that same mask, but for no other reason than that on their part, they need their mask, because their mask hides their fear and their mask makes it easier for anyone at all to “be” brave in the face of anything dangerous to our ego-selves.

Bravery, though, is that thing in our souls that makes us check ourselves, makes us think before we do anything, and bravery is the only thing in this lifetime that makes us have to make a choice – the choice that is on many levels….as Shakespeare asks “To Be, or not To Be?” and in this case it also includes “To Do, or not To Do,” and “To Change, or not To Change…this is the question…” and is the question that we each have been asking ourselves for weeks now, in terms of what it is that we see ahead of us, that we know is there and that we know we will have to work towards having. In those decisions we find that we have already torn apart the answers and the part that we do not understand being why they are the answers. We find that we have been brave simply by choosing to acknowledge that certain shitty things are part of our lives at the present moment. We have acknowledged that there is a part of life right this moment that is daunting, that has the energy of the giant spider that resides in the closet of our memories and sticks like glue next to the monsters and dragons that are there, as well.

Spiders and Dragons and Monsters, oh my !

We all have fears, and some of those fears are produced by this thing that I have been told is called our “cellular knowledge.”

Cellular knowledge, loosely defined, is the thing that makes us have a fearful reaction, or a good reaction, and we do not know why we are having that particular reaction. Basically, this knowledge is housed in our cells, is knowledge, at least to my own understanding and in terms of how it was explained to me by my Auntie Kalei, and of course, Mama No, and then confirmed by my past class in biological psychology as well as my own private research of how the brain does what it does….cellular knowledge is knowledge that is inherited, at the cellular level, and points to our past, even anciently. What we are afraid of and what feels like it is primal and within us is an example of this thing called cellular knowledge.

Our cellular knowledge is where I have found, through researching it, the part of us that is terrified of things that are alive and well within our Twelfth house (astrologically, it is where all of our secrets, all of our fears, all of our karmic lessons “live.”), the part that our ego-self does not want the rest of the world to know exists within us. Many of us only can see it as a harsh challenge overcoming that which is housed within their twelfth houses, particularly if their natal sun (sun sign) is in the 12th house. This does not mean anything other than that these are the lessons which we are here to learn, and this is the karma that needs to be balanced, and now is the lifetime that you have the chance to overcome those fears and to ultimately squish the spiders which live in the closet of our minds.

Unfortunately, most folks don’t do the work, are not interested in changing things that ultimately will be for the betterment of their lives as they once knew it. Sure, the things that are there and are shitty and just do not feel okay are the very things that have come calling on the each of us to stand up and be brave, to look at it all and make sure that whatever it is that seems like it is eating us alive is really only pointing at the thing that we keep on not looking at and that we are terrified to deal with. I know this particular dragon very well. It is the very dragon that has haunted me, with the prodding of the monster that is sitting next to it, that is also pointing at the damned spider that I thought I squished.

What a lot of us are not thinking about is that most of the time, it is in the darkness that these ugly things come to us and scare the hell out of us. When we are children, we are left comforted by a tiny little thing called a night light. Lots of us have a memory of that very night light being the one thing that, in the darkness, only made us more afraid. On the top of things we knew that, because of our cellular knowledge, it is the shadow cast upon the wall in our bedroom that made those monsters and dragons and spiders look so big and scary. We knew they were not the reality, and even if they were, we knew that there was at least a shoe to take care of the spider. Yet, we chose always to stay beneath the covers, not having to look at the landscape that was our bedroom at night, not having to acknowledge that we were very scared of what the shadows on the walls showed us.

Then we got older, and taller, but that little kid who was terrified by those shadows still lives and is alive and well and afraid, dearly afraid, of the shadows that she sees there, ominous and glowering in the darkness and casting onto the walls in the hallways of our minds the evidence of our fears and what it is that keeps us from investigating and finding out the very truth of things.

The very truth of things is that sometimes, it takes a lot of harshness for us to finally want to address things that we have not wanted to, perhaps not for many, many lifetimes. The bottom line is that once it is that we have at the very least acknowledged that something needs our attention, it is at that very moment that we understand one very important thing…

Humans CAN fly….

Humans can fly. Maybe not in the sense that the owl in the photo does, but, none the less, we can and are able to stretch our spiritual wings, able to lift ourselves above any situation, if for nothing more than to just get the view of the truth as it really is at any given time. The truth is, by and large, and for the most part, very ugly. The truths that we love are born of the truths that we cannot bear to look at. The truth of me is that I am terrified of most people, for no other reason than that I have been given the instance, over and over again, of people who are dark in the soul, people who are under the influence of the shadow cast by the demons in the closets of their own existence.

If we realized that we are able to rise above the excrement, that we are given this…bird’s eye-view…of what it is that we are faced with, and if we can simply just tear it all apart, so that we can pinpoint where it is that the terror within us lives, we are able, at that moment to either be brave, or work on becoming brave, so that we can, when the demons rear their heads again, stare them in the face, knowing that the danger they pose is a danger that we have self-imposed on ourselves. This is not saying that no one has a real fear of what it is that we each and all have experienced. It is to say, though, that since it is that we are who give these demons their power, we are also the ones who can destroy them with that same power.

Once it is that we have realized our own power in terms of acknowledging what truths are there, and once it is that we have decided that we will take on our demons, that we will slay our dragons, that we will squish our spiders with the gigantic slippah of the truth, we realize that the monsters that live there are the very sort that Bug Bunny coiffed in so many cartoons.

Let this be the monster who stays….he’s got fabulous hair …and he makes us laugh hysterically, even as at the same time, we are terrified of him.

Our terror keeps us grounded, but, our bravery allows us to fly…

Don’t be so scared of what it is that was placed there, for whatever reason we had when we placed it all there….we placed it there, meaning that we are the only one who has the power to remove it all…

…one spider at a time…one slippah at a time….

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That which we are not aware of

Betty Sun_Jet Li_Fearless_Mana_O_Blog

In terms of being aware, it is not what we are absolutely aware of that we need to hone, but that which we are unaware of and that we are creating that we need to learn…

Awareness: having knowledge of something and especially of something not generally known or apparent (from Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary,1973, pg 78)

Until we are aware of something, we are unaware.

Yeah, I know…duh… 

The reality is, though, unfortunately, that we humans can be severely unaware of what is happening with our own selves, and lots of times it is not a bad thing, even though those lots of things might actually be very, very tough to deal with, let alone live through. At this moment in our shared lives we are finding that there is a LOT of stuff that we are going through, that perhaps a lot of us have denied through the mechanism of being awful in terms of how it is that we feel about ourselves and our abilities.

And let me tell you what – every one of us is going through something right now. I am sure that if you bothered to look at the less than rosy things in your life (you know…the things that take you away from having to deal with the things that you would rather not? Yeah…I’m onto ya…keep reading), you might not be able to see it right away, but in that garbage is what it is, at the bottom of it all, you are learning. And you are not learning to do something OTHER than become aware.

Awareness is that thing that we want, but is something that reveals the truth, not only about other people, but mostly about ourselves. While it is that we do not want to look at the ugliness that exists within the confines of our lives, what we are not thinking about is what is not apparent but is absolutely there for us to find. We are so hard on ourselves, so hard on who we are for real, that we do not buy into what others say about us that is good – we prefer to keep ourselves humble, so to speak, and keep ourselves at a level that is not the level that we each know we need to accept ourselves as being at.

This is not easy to do when we are looking at our tangible realities and finding there the things that scare the hell out of us the most. This is what this things called awareness brings us – the ability to see, perhaps even with our physical eyes, that which is unapparent to us on the physical level.

That which is apparent to us on the physical level is not all that there is to ‘see’

If I tell someone who I am coaching that there are things that they are not aware of, and things that they, themselves, cannot see, it is actually a very good thing that some of them cannot see what it is that anyone else can see and appreciate.

Sometimes, duh is better

Sometimes, it is better that we cannot see these things about us, because in doing so, we will either become so comfortable in the idea that we are changing things for ourselves that we become complacent in our efforts and end up not evolving, or, we will find ourselves so very…filled with un-belief…about the great things that we are being told, that we will over-analyze what we have been told is the truth about us as presented to us by someone else. We will make it so that within that goodness, we will find something that will invariably go ‘wrong.’ We are so much more readily available to believe the ugliness that is said about who we are, far and long before we will even think to accept what is not apparent to us and is actually both true and good. We will essentially mind-fuck it into oblivion, and we will end up continuing to believe the awful things that others have said about us and to us.

The thing about that sort of things is that, when others tell us what they feel is ‘wrong’ with us, what they are actually doing is reflecting how they feel about themselves and showing us, through the mirror who they are, what is really not completely okay about themselves. I am reminded of a mother who cannot find one good thing to say about her adult kid. When finally she does, somehow, because it is her habit and it is her way of keeping her kid a kid, she jacks things up by “balancing” the good things that she’d said by reminding her kid that somehow, they are not the best person on the planet, and why don’t you listen to mommy more?

Well, why would anyone want to listen to someone who never encourages another person to be all that they can be and do so without all of the (ahem) ‘constructive criticism’? (I am sorry, but, that is not a real thing, by the way – how can criticism ever be constructive? It is way, way destructive…keep reading…) It is not that they have a bad thing to say to us or about us, at least for the most part. It is that they are not happy with themselves, or they feel like they are entitled to our changing who we are so that they can feel better about themselves through the mechanism of reflecting their own ‘bad’ onto someone who is essentially ‘good.’

This is the truth. I did not make this up.

On this planet we share the air with people who have been told their entire lives that, because they are not willing to conform to someone else’s level of comfort, that somehow, they are ‘bad.’ What else is the truth is that not one of us has to accept what is someone else’s bullshit when it comes to things like who we are to anyone, namely and mostly ourselves. The damage that is caused by people not thinking before they speak, or perhaps not thinking at least about how it would feel if they were to be told the same things that they habitually say to others…that damage is huge and that damage lasts as long as it takes for a person to raise their level of awareness, at least to the point where what is being said cannot be proved as true.

It is only true if we choose to believe it.

At that point, we make their truth, our truth. At that point, we are living and being the person who they see and who they have a problem with. At that point, what we are doing is anything other than being true to ourselves. We are taught for our lives long that other peoples’ opinion is the truth of us and really, the truth of us is created by and through us. Other people are just tools in that creation. They are there with their cutting words and their biting assumptions, there with words but without a clue. They are there to make sure that they get what they need into our ears and our psyche, and there to help us choose what they are in terms of what it is that they bring to us.

Choosing who they are vs. allowing them to choose for us who we are

In the last paragraph, I wrote that we get to choose who they are in our lives. To make sure that things are more clear for you, let’s see these people as actual tools in a toolbox.

Now, realize that I have almost zero clue about what tool is useful for what job and that for the most part, I am using this only as an example. Inside of a toolbox there are several different tools. Each of those tools has a different purpose.  Each of them does different things, even though lots of them might look a whole lot alike.  Some are exactly alike but are a different size, meaning that even as they might look like something else, they are outwardly and essentially the same, but do not have the same purpose.

NOW…let’s look at the other side of this…the side where you call a guy to repair something.

That guy knows his stuff, and here you are, questioning that guy about his stuff. You sit there telling that guy what he should do according to you, and all the while, that guy is the one who is going to, without your help, either fix what needs to be fixed or leave the repair job, and all because you have shit to say about something that you called on him for. Because you do not know what this guy has already gone through earlier in his work day, you are taken aback when he tells you that you can fix it yourself, and you are offended by him when he hands you his tools and tells you to do it yourself (since you know better than the expert).

…the difference being…

In one instance, we are who, in our DIY manner, chooses who is and who is not a tool for us. We choose who will sharpen us through their words and their sordid thoughts about us. We choose who will strengthen us by their measure of trying hard to make us weak every chance they get. We determine what tool will be best for what job and what part of us needs to be made whole. When we are the one doing the choosing, we are managing who we are through whatever means it is that other people bring to us. In other words, we are not believing what others say of us that is not that great and who are choosing their stuff to measure against our stuff and we are finding out the truth through them without them realizing it.

In the other instance, when we call out someone else about their stuff and we believe them, we are allowing them to create for us an awareness that is not our own, and we are telling them that, because they have a problem, and since they are more willing to see what they think we are not able to do versus the reason why they called us out or upon us for whatever reason they have, we are letting them be in control and we are allowing them into that sacred place of wholeness that only we can see to. This is not to say that we do not, from time to time, in our actual abodes, not in need of someone to come and actually fix stuff for us. It is saying that when it comes to the home that is our peace of mind, the last thing that someone …anyone…needs is one more person telling us that they have a better way of doing things and why are we not doing things their way?

When it comes to that point is when we have to choose who they are to us…are they a tool? Are they someone in need of our specific help with themselves? Are they someone in need of specific help with themselves and who would rather not fix who they are – they would rather tell other people how said other people are not able to do what it is that we are all able to do, so long as we do it ourselves and without believing the things that people tell us is the truth of us.

Basically, the way that we become aware of the things that we are not topically aware of is simply trhrough observance, through listening, through paying attention to the things that others are telling us is the truth of who we are. What you will notice is that everything that they have to tell us about us is typically about them, as well, and when they tell us what they tell us, it is a reflection of themselves, not of us. We are not taught this way. We are taught to believe other people. We are taught to not trust us. We are taught to be beholden to the opinions of other people, and we are not taught that the only opinion of ourselves that truly matters comes from ourselves.

The hardest part of all of this awareness stuff is not that we have to look at what other people think of us. It is that we have to learn to accept that which is GOOD about us and learn to stop accepting what is bad about us according to other people.

The late Dr. Wayne Dyer said it best… “What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.”

The Truth…it completely rocks…namely when it is that we are the creators of our own…

Live Aloha…

I Love You All… ROX

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Point Blank

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Sometimes we need to be point blank with others, not only so that we can get things done, but more, so that not only they know what are our boundaries, but more, so that we will know and respect what boundaries we have set that others need to respect.

If there is a lesson that we should all be happy to learn, even if it hurts us to learn it, it is a lesson in respecting other peoples’ boundaries.

Now, I am not saying that making friends online is a bad thing, because I have a whole LOT of friends who I see online more than I do in the real, and of course, as we all do, I have PLENTY of online pals, too. Make no mistake, the connections we make online are as real as any connection we make with anyone at all in the real. To think otherwise is to try too hard to want to believe anything other than this one truth.

This one truth is something that a whole lot of people do not seem to get, that there are people who willingly are our friends, and that is where it stops, that is where it will always stop, and that is not a line that anyone needs to or should cross. Crossing it bleeds of disrespect, not only for another person’s privacy, but more, for who they really are.

We can push and prod and try hard to change this, this fact that what we want with anyone else is fine and good, but in terms of wanting more than we can have, and to push the issue further only shows another person that the one thing that we do not have, due to our own feeling of need or want or whatever, that the respect they are receiving that any and all humans should receive is not something that is being honored.

Honor is something that not a whole lot of people, sadly, know a thing about. To honor someone is to make it known by them and to them that who they are means something to anyone at all, but mostly, respecting who they are and everything that they need is the one thing that not too many people seem to have any regard for. I get it when we are in that thought that we have to…HAVE GOT TO…know someone, and I get it in terms of our own thinking that the message we are getting from a mere picture is something that ought to be taken as the truth.

Out truth and what it is that we want to believe may well be not what is the actual truth of another person.

For instance

Think about someone who is way interested in another person, but that other person has relayed to them that friends is all they will ever be. The person who does not accept this as their truth is not wrong in feeling as they do, but, when said person pushes and pushes, even as the person of interest has declined, this is when even the nicest “pushing” from that person is going to start becoming a problem.

It will become a problem not only for the person of interest (because they would have to continually repeat themselves with no promise that the person in pursuit of them will stop), but more, it will cause the person pursuing to try harder, and when we try harder and already know what the answer is…let’s just say that madness WILL set in.

Pushing anyone for anything is like telling them that what is their truth is not a good enough reason for anyone to just knock their crap off. Most sane human beings will take the hint and simply either deal with what is someone else’s truth, or, they will, as I just mentioned, continue trying hard to change someone else’s truth.

Trying hard to change what is anyone else’s truth is not an easy thing to do. Trying to make someone else see things through your eyes and from your perspective does no one any good at all if there is not that thing called respect. Pursuing anything or anyone at all who has already set the ground rules for any sort of relationship of any kind and that you might have just chosen to not think about what you are doing to that other person is not cool.

Where am I going with this?

Lately, and because I am trying to expand my network to include people who can help me, and I, them, no matter how big or small that help might be, I am running into a whole lot of those folks who seem to think that somehow they have a connection with me in terms of…ugh…we shall call it whatever it is that could also be thought of as being somehow an invitation for more than what it is that is there, that has been presented and that is the very truth of me and everything that I am really all about.

There are VERY few people on this planet who know, for real, who I am and what I am really about. Those few people know, very well, what my boundaries are, and with those few people, there seems, really, to be almost no boundaries. There is nothing that I will not do and that which is within my own power for each of them. They each and all know who they are. In terms of knowing who I am and what I am all about, they get it.

They understand that in order to be a part of my soul tribe, that as much as I respect their boundaries, they’ve gotta respect mine (and they do…Goddess bless each and every one of them for doing so…I Love you guys…thanks). It is not something that I have had to repeat to them, not something that was not understood by them and by me, and not something that is ever an issue that cannot be seen to in the manner that, should those boundaries be crossed, is done with love and regard for all of who I am…and it is very vice-versa with the each of them.

Then there are those ones who are brand new…the sort who want to tell me all these things so that I might well be impressed by the idea that on their end, there is some sort of connection that they have had with my picture. A picture is one thing, but to have a connection with anyone at all requires time, requires patience, requires love of the self, requires respect on a level that is not out loud, but assumed and presumed is just there. It also requires the ability to accept that which we might not like or want to hear, even as what we will hear is that other person’s truth.

That other person’s truth

When a person tells us something, it is up to us to get the hint.

Period.

If we are not willing to hear what they have to say to us, and we are not willing to take from them what is their truth and we are more willing to only see what is our own truth, and we continue to push and push for something that we know we cannot have (but yet we will continue to push) we can guarantee that eventually, and sooner than later, the pushing that we do WILL push back at us, and we might not be able to deal with the emotional after-effects caused by the things that we KNEW better than to continue doing.

Yet, continue doing as they will, they will do, and there are only a few things that we can do to make it known to them that we mean business, that they continually step over the line with us.

Perhaps it is that they cannot help themselves – human beings are like that. When we see something that we feel like we need, or we feel like there is something there that is not there, that is when we have to check ourselves, before we wreck ourselves. I mean, I get it…I totally get the idea that there are things and people in this lifetime that we would absolutely love to have in our lives. We are all like that, but, the difference between us and those who seem not able to accept our boundaries is marked.

It is marked in that all humans can sense emotional pain in others, and like all good humans will do, we want to find out what it is that we can do for anyone else in terms of helping them get through their pain, if not get out of it. You see, for us to want to help people not have a lot of pain is one thing. That is what I do for my work in this lifetime – help other people figure out ways to deal with their emotional pain and turn that emotional pain into a work of art, sometimes literally.

Sometimes, those who we would like to help only have one thing on their mind, and that one thing is simply to get us to change our mind about something that we might not be humanly able to do. I deal with this one everyday. I deal with people who just seem unable to accept the idea that whatever it is that is in their own heads and may well be a lovely thought, might not be what is in anyone else’s head and might not be that same lovely thought.

When we have bothered to take other people for their word and their word being that thing called “their truth,” is when we are ready to face other, more beautiful truths, and truths that we might not well have been able to deal with accepting for a long time, even though for a long time we knew that what we were seeing in front of us was the very truth of another person.

It is not now, nor has it ever been, neither will it EVER be anyone else’s business to try to stop us from having what is our own truth, and neither will it be one of those things that is acceptable to me, to anyone like me, to anyone period, to feel like that truth is not something that is accepted as well as respected by others.

Not accepting the truth of other people, namely when that truth is something that they hold near and dear to themselves, is like telling them that we think their truth sucks, and it sucks because we don’t like it.

Just because we don’t like it, it does not mean that we have the right to try to manipulate them to see things our way. It does not give us the right to plead our case to them, hoping they will understand why we do not share the same way of feeling our energy, but all the while, underneath it all, there is always that energy that tells us that what it is that we are feeling at any given time is somehow us lying to ourselves.

Ummm…whatever…keep on thinkin’ that way, cupcakes, and you are going to find out the business end of someone else that might not be the thing that you thought it was…seriously…

This is what happens when we decide that we do not want to accept another person’s truth about anything, but namely about ourselves and our place or our lack of place in their lives.

There is nothing more maddening for anyone, namely a light worker, than to have to repeat ourselves, over and over again. In terms of light workers, it is that we know, for real, whether you believe me or not, what the underlying motives are in anyone else (kinda cool how we sense energy like that, right? Riiiiight) If we are employed ‘in the realms’ like I am, and we are able to feel and sense our way through another person’s energy, we will try hard to not offend them but…make no mistake…when we are offended, the human being in us takes over the Spirit within by which we lead our very lives.

That’s when it is lights out, baby…

You can take my words as truth, or not, and it won’t matter – I will still be this me, and I will still not acknowledge a person who seems to believe that no matter what, my truth is not what I tell them that it really is. In this instance, my truth is exact, is absolute, and not now, and I must go ahead and say…IF EVER…will that truth change.

I am not one to exchange what (or WHO) is the most important to me, for anyone.

I said it…deal with it.

And I Promise you, each and all, that when I say something, I mean every word that I say. Again…there is a very small group of people on this planet who know this and understand this, because it is also the way that they roll.

If you cannot accept what is my truth, then I invite you to roll your ass on out of my awareness. I cannot get much more point blank than that, much as no one else can, either.

I promise…my truth is not going to change…for anyone…unless, of course, the person for whom it must change is me.

And that is a truth that some people are invited to simply choke down like a gallon of Nyquil on a hot day in the Mojave desert in August…

I Love You All

ROX

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You cannot hide from the Karma You have Created

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People who have created a false power for themselves through tangible means are the same people who owe the biggest karmic debts. 

A tax offset is a fancy term for what the IRS uses to tell anyone at all that the reason their tax refund has been made smaller or is nonexistent is because somewhere along the line of government “help,” somehow, in the eyes of the agencies who claimed that money, a person has either not paid a debt in terms of students loans (all clear here), child support payments (again..all clear), and lots of people now know, too, unemployment compensation debt owed on what the state of California calls fraud.

This is not my stating that anything on my end of things was fraudulently had, because from my vantage, and because I know the story in completion, it is not fraud. However, to the state of California, it IS fraud and they wanted that money.

So, they took it. Of course, I now have to file certain paperwork with the IRS, because I am not the party who created a reason for an offset. Of course, as per usual, the person who did create it – that person cannot believe it. That person refuses, flatly, to call the treasury department to find out that I am correct. What this person does not realize is that, where the government and debt are concerned, if you owe them they are going to get what they are owed.

The last time I wrote about Karma it was about how we create it through our intention. This time it is about being the person who thought they were going to get away with every ugly thing that they wanted to see happen, with everything that they did in order to create a false sense of power for themselves through tangible means, with everything that they did that was not backed by the purity of thought.

You see, I am sitting here with a smirk on my face, when really, I should be damned angry that this…person…has refused to do what I have suggested and call the phone number that I was given by a family member. The reason that this other person will not call is NOT because they know that there is no way that I would lie about this, but because of one thing – they aren’t right.

Aren’t right

I was on the phone the other day with my good friend Gator. We were discussing things that are happening to this other person and her words are ringing in my ears right now, because her words are the very truth. Her words told me that the thing that this other person was exhibiting were not only things that point to mental illness, but that the illness is the tangible proof, not only for me, but for that other person, too, that karma is being paid…and not by me.

Arrogant people already aren’t right in a lot of ways, but the one way that they are not right is in the assumption that there is nothing that they have done that would cause them to owe any kind of karma debt. We find this is not the truth through Bernie Madoff, who rightly was served up his karma bill the moment they found him guilty of all of the white collar crimes the man committed. When it is that things outside of ourselves have control of our inner world, and when it is that we are more dependent upon the tangible things more than we are inclined to go to our inner resources to get our answers, we experience false power, even though we believe it is real power.

And when we are talking about arrogant people, the only answers they care about are the ones that they believe will serve them more than will the very truth of things. In this instance, the very truth of things is that this is not my Karma debt to worry about, and it is not my ego that needs to accept my error, and not me who has to atone for anything, at all.

Do I expect that other person to man up and deal with it properly? No. No I do not, because this is someone, even for as many years as this person has known me and has had the opportunity to see what it looks like to be stand alone, upright, with nothing to hide and nothing to sweat, has refused to see things in a manner that is directly from the soul. This person does not trust intangible things, and this is a person for whom the phrase “show me MY money” should be tattooed on to their forehead.

Please don’t get me wrong – I enjoy what money can do for me. However, I also know that there are things that can replace money in terms of getting tangible items, and I know that an outer resource like money is but a tool by which a life is built, but more than anything else, in reality, while money carries the energy of power, that power is finite because once the money is gone, there is no more power being derived from it.

This is the thing that many people are not willingly learning, that money is a tool, that it does not give anyone any power, and that without it, those who want to believe that they have any real power will be shown, in no uncertain terms, that the thing that they thought they were and that at least one person I know very well is now experiencing is a direct result of the nature of their intent at the onset of the unreality of tangible things carrying power for any person at all.

Yet, money and power and the like is not what I am writing about. I am telling you all that if you think that what you did a long, long time ago will never catch up to you, and whatever it was that your purest intentions were at the time you made that choice, think again.

When we set out to right things in a manner that not a lot of people would think is the right way to do things, and we feel like we have to make excuses as to why it happened, and when we cannot accept that what has happened is our being blatantly told by the Mother Goddess that we have a debt to make right, and we have not bothered to make those things right within ourselves, we will pay a debt that we will not see coming at us, and if we are not accepting a lot of other things that a lot of other people have told us is the truth, our pain from that truth is going to be HUGE.

When we cannot see ourselves as someone who is not owed, who is not entitled, who is not all of those overblown ego things, and we have, over the years, chosen to hurt other people for the things that we knew were not right, knew were not their things to have to deal with, knew that, at the time of the thing that caused the debt, our intention was different than the words coming out of our mouths, we cannot understand why it is that suddenly, we are having a down turn in our own thought about how powerful we truly are.

You are not powerful, neither empowered, if what you have done, are doing now, intend on doing, is meant to do good things for you while not also serving a higher purpose for others. You are not powerful if you believe that, when you had your pretend power (money), you could do and say anything to anyone at all and they would, because you thought you were powerful, do anything for you, because you had money, and you had the thought in your head that you were untouchable. You are not now, nor have you ever been, anywhere near as powerful as you think you once were if you have used bully tactics to get what you wanted. Spirit does not appreciate the shake down and more than that, Spirit will not tolerate it.

Eventually, all of that false power, and all that you have said to others that was meant to hurt them, all that you did that was not the most well-intended and backed by a real sense of integrity, every single damned thing that you knew was not the right way to do things, all catches up to you.

An abuser will end up losing everything that he thought gave him power through the manipulations and the bullying, perhaps not through having only to deal with those things themselves, but more, through the very people who they actually abused.

Whether or not those people retaliate in the manner that most would is irrelevant, and the only relevant thing involved there is that the victim of the abuser eventually WILL end up the victor, because the bottom line is that it was not the intention of the abused to rile the abuser. On the other side of that is the abuser believing that they are untouchable in terms of what their victim can do to them in the manner that they’d done to their victim.

What any abuser never understands and likely will never understand is that the energy that they have put out into the Universe is what brings the lesson back to them – NOT the person who they were bad to. While these abusers will do and say and threaten all they can and all they want to, they do not see the thing that they are creating for themselves.

They are creating for themselves a falsehood, a lie that they are somehow the most important person, that they alone are deserved of the good things in life, even as they were the largest, moronic and gaping asshole that even they, themselves, knows. They do not realize that Spirit, while it is that, at that moment, when fist hits face, is watching, is giving this person every chance She can so that the abuser does not have to suffer what Karmic fate they create for themselves.

Yet, create that fate they end up doing, and by the time that it all starts to really take tangible place, those who are wrong end up not knowing what the hell it is that has happened. They will, if they do not understand the way that energy works, continue to do the same things, again and again, and lots of them never learn, and end up coming right back to another lifetime to go through it all over again. NO matter how much I remind a lot of people of this one truth, they still ignore it as though it does not apply to them somehow.

Karma is the great debt collector, and no matter how much running and hiding anyone does, it will catch up to you.

Yes, I am suggesting that everyone and anyone really and truly think about what you are willing to go through because you cannot see past your own god damned high and mighty self, to the point that you are willingly hurting people because you cannot accept that maybe this time, it was not someone else, and maybe this time, you are who has to pay up, even if you don’t want to. Even if you don’t feel like it. Even if you try hard to get out of the thing that you have created all on your own.

You can’t escape your own Karma.

I said it.

Deal with it.

I Love You All !

ROX

Soul With Teeth Shark1

 

 

 


You can’t fix shattered

In all of life there are many tangible things which can be repaired, but only one intangible thing is almost impossible to repair once it is shattered. That one thing is Trust.

*****

We are not born trusting others.  At the time of our birth, we are not but as primal as is any other creature in all of mammalia. We are, essentially, just like the creatures of the forest and of the jungle – we are animals. We have to be taught trust, just like we have to be taught anything at all. We must have evidence that there is a reason to trust, or to not trust, and through it all, we have to still live in the outer world. No one knows what it is like to have that trust breached until it happens, and then the rest of our awareness becomes tainted with mistrust. We begin to question our own thoughts, and our own validity in so far as who we are and what it is that we need, from others, and more, from ourselves.

If there is one thing that I have a hard time dealing with that is mine alone to deal with, it is being able to trust others not to hurt me, being able to take them on their word that who I am matters. This is not something that just happened to me overnight. It took the almost entire 44 years that I have been on this planet for me to garner the energy that is mistrust. Yet, that mistrust, over the years, has served me very well, namely lately, when there is so, so much happening in my life, and all of what is happening is good. Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I have a hard time thinking, sometimes, that other people do not have my best interests at heart, at least as much as I know I have theirs, and sometimes, it very dearly hurts me to my core.

And it is in the core middle of us all where this resides, this energy of mistrust, the memories that caused it all to solidify, and the things that hurt us, still.  Trust is hard, make no mistake, and any more now, lots and lots of us are breaking out of that mistrusting energy, and it is because we have been also given the evidence of what is not trust versus what is our truth.

Let’s look at the energy that is trust for a moment, shall we? There are a million and one things in this lifetime that would cause us to mistrust anyone at all, just as much as there is a whole lot of evidence that would tell us that we can trust certain things and people and energies. My own issues with trusting other people not to hurt me comes from a lifetime of my being hurt by others. It is not their fault. They don’t know, and didn’t know, at least a lot of them, that I hurt so badly. There were those few, though, who knew what they were doing, who knew just how to make me hurt, make me cry and make me ultimately not trust them. I still don’t trust them. I cannot trust a person who willingly hurts me, and I will not trust a person who is malicious enough to make that hurt substantial, and all of it, mind you, has been substantial.

My trust issues stem from a lifetime of being emotionally abandoned by people who were significant in  my life. Whether it was a caretaker, or a relative, or the person who fathered my children, it didn’t matter when the time came and they proved themselves as being untrustworthy. Being able to trust someone is tantamount in any kind of relationship. Being able to depend on others to live up to everything they tell us that they will do is a rarity anymore. Too many of us want to speak our truth, but we don’t want to know how that truth is going to affect someone else. We expect people to take us for our word, and then some of us do everything doable to push the line and break that trust, just to see how far we can go with our own garbage.

It bothers me a lot that too many people still want to say things to make people feel better for the moment, but when proving time comes and we want them to live up to their words, they have every excuse as to why it is that they cannot, will not, and may never be able to. People tend to bite off more than they can chew, namely where matters of the heart are concerned. Matters of the heart seem to be the one place in life that people fail others, miserably. I have been told many times that I cannot produce enough results for certain others to trust my words. Then when I come through with exactly what I said I would, it is still not enough and at that point it is an automatic thing for me to do what I can to make what I said I would do happen. I do so, not to please them, but because my level of integrity is what it is, and in my world, it is one of the most important traits that anyone who I share my world with has got to have. Period. Yes, I expect at least as much as I offer…again…period.

Every abuse survivor knows this energy, the energy that is feeling like we have to prove ourselves to even the most unworthiest of people. Every one of us knows what it feels like to know that we are telling the truth, to know that whatever it is that we have promised that we are doing our very highest best to get done, and all it takes is one douchey person to crush that energy within us. You can sit there and tell me all you want that it is the other person, and while I will know this to be the fact and the truth, it will not make me think otherwise about me and my efforts. I am always going to, until I have learned to stop trying harder, try harder, and it is not because of someone else needing that instance of my own evidence brought to them to prove that I am every bit as trustworthy as I tell and prove to anyone else that I am. It is because I am me.

I hate second guessing myself, but when a person has been met, told, experienced nothing but the disappointment in outcome by others after what could be thought, sometimes, as a herculean effort to make others see who I am for real and that what it is that I say and do for anyone is golden. On the other side of that is the person who may or may not have realized that this is what I will do, that I will second guess myself and it is not because of anything that they did directly but rather and only the energies produced by whatever it was that was happening at the time, perhaps in their lives, or my own life, or a mixture of both.

Then there are those people who, for whatever reason they may have, do things to test us, who try hard to make things difficult for us, just because they can, and just because they, themselves, hurt so much. Pain is the indicator that a violation has occurred, and pain is the thing that all of us are trying to not have to deal with, yet deal with it we must. I know emotional pain, so well, in fact, that I have turned the utilization of that pain to teach others how to heal their own lives from the emotional pains they have suffered. Pain is the indelible marker for where we have been. It is the thing which, unlike a goal towards which we propel our very selves, makes us run and want to hide from the world. I have experienced so much emotional pain throughout the course of this lifetime that in this lifetime I chose to turn it into my work in the world.

I did it- my pain – because I can trust my pain to be the realness that I have been told that I have within me. I do what I do in the world and in my line of work because I am an expert on not only how we end up with the pain that has been served up to us on a tarnished silver platter, but more, how we can, right this moment, use that energy to heal ourselves and take us to the next level of awareness.

This is what mistrust by others and given to others can do for us – it can make us see ourselves for real. There are not a lot of people who know or accept just exactly the realness of who I am, of where I have been in this lifetime, and what I have been through.  There are very few people who know the depth of who I am and even fewer who I know I can trust with me.  It took me a whole lot of time to get to where I am right now emotionally, and still, it is not enough to reverse the energy that is mistrust for others and their motives. I always think that people are trying to get the best of me, and when I think that way, it becomes my truth. This is not the truth that I like wearing. It is simply due to the tattered pieces of what was once my reality, and the evidence that people like hurting others, because that is where their own misguided power lies – in that ability to make life hard in an emotional and spiritual sense for someone else.

This starts when we are children. When we are promised by the adults in our lives that we are going to have something, that they are going to provide both tangibles and intangibles for us that we can count on. When a child is told one thing and that one thing is not clearly stated as to what it will be, automatically we are thrust into a place within where we are not sure of ourselves, because someone else made sure to it that, even as we are so dependent on them for everything, they did not care enough to make sure to it that their words are made truth for that kid. As time passes, and those promises and words broken continue to happen, those things that creepy people bring to our lives are reinforced by it all.

People wonder why it is that I have a hard time with the words of others, and I shouldn’t, but I am willing to admit that I do.  It is, because of all of the things that have been a part of my own awareness and all of the crap that I have had to endure, and everything else that constitutes as being the daily living of humans, difficult for me to allow others into my privacy of my Soul.

Yet, when I do, it is because they have proved themselves to me, have proved that how I feel means something, and it means that they have an empathetic part of them that understands what it is like to have trusted people with themselves and their very core being, and have been able to get through it unscathed, even though the memories may well be the thing that broke them, as well.

I trust that peoples’ reactions and responses to what I put forth are their truth. However, I have a hard time with people telling me that I am somehow the reason why anything will befall them, as if I have that kind of power or control over what it is that they are thinking. I tend to cling to the bad things I have told, the things that others have responded to me with that cut me to the core, and it is because other people are not very sure of my own intentions, and my own intentions are not what they are thinking they are. When I say that I don’t need help, I mean I do not need it. When I am merely stating something, it is just a statement. If it is my intent to hurt someone, it isn’t as though I say nothing about it – I am not afraid to tell others how I feel, and I am not scared to let them know when they have offended my soul.  It doesn’t happen much, and most of the time it comes from someone who means something to me, the infraction of the soul that is unbeknownst to them.

Most of the time, it is nothing against me. Most of the time it is their own fear of my abandoning them, and most of the time, as it would be for me with them, I, too, am scared to death of being emotionally abandoned, of being rejected, of just plain old not being good enough. This is the truth that I was given my whole life, and is the truth which daily I find myself figuring out is not the truth, that it was the truth of many people who just figured that I was a little kid, that I would grow out of the hurts and the heartaches, and that one day I might be able to grow from it all.

Trust. It is the most intangible thing on the planet, and is what we need to be able to have with and for other people. If we have no trust, and we cannot trust the reactions that others have with and for us, and we cannot feel safe in the idea that we are loved wholly and completely by others, then, too, we cannot also believe that we, ourselves, are trusting who we are enough to be able to know what is our truth and discern what is not our truth that could be that of others’. It is when we deny who we are with ourselves that this becomes a problem. I know who I am, to me and in my life, and I know who I am to others and in their lives. Now, the bitch of it all will be no longer allowing what was someone else’s truth of me from a time in the past where, really, it was not my fault, and it was surely not my problem, because adults in the lives of children can be the worst perpetrators of mistrust on the planet and in our close relations.

I know that I can trust the people who mean the most to me. I know they have my best interests at heart. Sometimes, those people pay the toll for those who have hurt me and continue to try to hurt me, but it’s all good…I lived through them, and I will continue to do so, and more, because so is the nature of life on this planet with other humans. Humans can be assholes, make no mistake, but all of us with eyes in our heads to read these words have been there, have even done that in terms of being the asshole.

Sometimes, the most appropriate reaction is a response, not to anyone else, but to and for ourselves.  And really, this is something that all of us needs to practice…not furthering the mistrust within us, but learning to discern who is hurting us purposely, and who is not. I know who is trying to hurt me, at all times.

More than that, I also know who is not.

I will state right now that I have learned, and have learned well, what it is to hurt, and I will state right now that indeed, I do know what it is to take that hurt and all that is entailed within it, and have turned it into something that can only make me better as time passes by. I know that along my own path that I will end up being hurt, and that I will suffer more losses, and that, too, I will be lied to, but this does not mean that I am going to revert to living in the truth that may well actually be someone else’s truth about me. They are fine and good to have that truth.

…because I will always have mine…just like you, too, will always have what is your own absolute and beautiful truth that is yours.

I Love You All

ROX

1MANA_O_BLOG Drunken Hula Meme


Mirrors Cannot Lie

If we want to know what is the truth of us, all we have to do is pay attention to how others are reacting to our words, our actions, and even the energy that we cannot stop from broadcasting. Other people are our mirrors, and what we see in them depends completely on us.

Our ability to handle the truth lives within us. We might not like a whole lot of the truths that we are told to us about us and by others, but we cannot change their minds or their thoughts about how they perceive us. We alone are who are responsible for what it is that they have seen and that causes their perception by them of us. It is made clear to us who we are through them and to them in the reactions that they have to sometimes something as small as the mere mention of a person’s name. Think about it. I know that when someone tells me that their first name is the same name that is the one of my kids’ dad, my blood boils, and my sense of self-containment seems to go by the wayside.

What else also gives us a clue as to who we are in the lives of other people is if their reaction, rather than response to us, is not particularly favorable. We know when the damage is so bad that what we have said or done to someone else, namely if it was for our own personal gain, that just the sight of us makes them very angry. Women are great at doing this to men. We are great at taking advantage of society’s role as baby-sitter when it comes to things being fair between men and women. While it might seem that I am picking on my own …let’s call them my “coven” (that is so not what they are, but they know what I am talking about), the truth is that there are a LOT of us who still need DEARLY to just let things be, let go of the past, and simply move on.

It isn’t about our not being the only (insert cool thing here) in peoples’ lives, but only about our own selves as being present and aware in our own lives so that we can also be present and aware of who we are in the lives of others. Too, too many people like to take what their version of a story is, broadcast it to everyone in their own inner circle, thinking that we are getting away with anything at all, when in reality, all we are really doing is damaging ourselves.  For the very life of us we cannot let go of things that have hurt us. I won’t bullshit ya – while I don’t broadcast anymore, the details and the ugliness of what I have gone through, at least not here or anywhere public, I will say that there are times, recently even, where I have had to let anyone at all know what it is that the baby daddy said or did or threatened me with, if for nothing other than to merely just release the little bit of bad energy I had for the man at the time.

Yet, and apparently, I am sort of strange because, while it is that this person hurt me dearly, I also am one who is not willing to live in that energy of what was, not one who has chosen to remain to hang on to that hurt that was given to me, just so that I can have some sort of little moronic thing to hang over his big fat empty head. I could sit here and tell you all about the nasty things he has said to me and more, the ugly things that he physically brought to my awareness, and the terrifying energy that was my life not very long ago at all, but for what? I certainly don’t care to live in that energy and never wanted to. This leads me to the question of why it is that  so many people seem to think it is that holding a grudge is somehow going to help them get over it. It won’t. It will prolong the foolishness, and it will only hurt the person who is hanging on to whatever it is that they think and see as being an infraction to their soul that was somehow something that they, themselves, had no part in.

The reality is a whole lot different than that. It is like a woman who has had her heart broken by someone, and rather than moving on to healing and wholeness and the opportunity to actually have Love again, said woman chooses to make life difficult on others, rather than giving in to the acceptance of things as they are, learning to deal with them as best she can, and eventually moving on, only seeing what was her reality in the past as no longer being anything but a memory. Really, that is what those horrible things need to be – JUST a memory and more or less the “trophy” to having survived it. I say a whole lot about being a survivor, and in becoming one, it is not the best way to get there by holding dearly to the heaviness that was the energy of that pain from that time. 

To hang on to the energy of that pain only prolongs that pain. To live inside of that thought, never thinking to release one’s own self from that energy is like handing someone with a penchant and an affinity for violence a very sharp bladed knife and then pointing them to the jugular, bending one’s neck in the direction it would need to be in order to make a clean and effective cut. Pain is a heavy energy. It is where our Spiritual muscles are made what they are supposed to be, which is strong. I can speak for a few people in my own inner circle when I say that it was not until the moment that these people, through their own devices, came to the conclusion that the only person hurting from the past and also from the actions and words they had imparted onto others that were meant to hurt them eventually only and karmically came back to haunt them and make them also pay their Soul’s debt.

The same can be said of people who lose everything and who cannot stop ruminating about what it was that they’d lost, and can be said of people who have been made to look foolish, all by the things that they have exacted themselves, and the same thing can be said of people who feel that everyone on the planet owes them for whatever it is that they, themselves, have brought into their lives and that they have made the people in their lives incredibly miserable by having done and said.

There is never any healing that will take place that will be permanent when we believe that in order to make things right, we have to make them even, and on that note, there are a lot of options that we have at our disposal at making things right and even, and most of the time, we choose the ones that will quell the fire of the good emotional stuff rather than the  bullshit that will end up hurting other people. Yes, indeed, hurt people hurt other people, and those hurt people who hurt other people need badly to get a clue, need badly to take a long look at the patterns in their own lives and realize that the thing that they are seeking is contained in all of these people who they have hurt.

These people are called our mirrors, and always, rather than believe what is there in the mirror, we would rather shatter the mirror.

Our Mirrors Will Never Lie To Us

Think of the people in your life as being mirrors. Whatever it is that is their response or their reaction to what we have offered them in terms of words, actions or energy is what they are mirroring back to us. If we are being ridiculous, we will get that energy from others that we are being ridiculous. If we are being threatening, we will be met with the equal energy of others feeling like we have threatened them and in kind those others will respond to our energetic response.

If we have the energy that we are on the attack, it will be that same energy which we will be getting in return, no matter what. It may not be from the person or the people who we sent this to, but it will, regardless of what we want to believe, be returned, and really, this is one of those things where we will be helpless to do a thing about it.  We are truly not able to do anything about what another person perceives is the actuality of who we are when we are enraged, when we are not willing to allow other people to be who they are all the time, but mostly when they are being the person they are when they are around us.

It is like those times when a victim decides that he or she wants to survive, and that is the energy that is presented to everyone else, but namely to their attacker or abuser. It is like those times when said attacker gets to the point where he or she is not only too tired to continue their tirade, but more, they have become weary of not being loved in the manner that they wish they could be, at which time, for certain people, because of certain events and energies that still preside, even and only in the memories of those whose lives they impacted, it is too late.

…and really, what that says to someone like me is that you probably don’t deserve people in your life who you are just going to manipulate to bend toward your own will and your own way, and all so that you won’t lose out on what you might want to believe is the only thing that you can call your own. What you can call your own is the energy that causes people to stay the hell away from you, because the heaviness of it all doesn’t allow them to be who they are for real, all the time, when they are with you or near you.

You see, what you are doing right now is creating the reflection from others that is unfavorable, and with your own two physical eyes you can see what their inner world in regards to you really is.  This is the thing that, here I go again with this abuse survival thing, ALL abusers cannot see, for any reason, because they are choosing to remain ignorant to the things that they have brought to their victim, their families, and their circle of friends and acquaintances, in the manner that is their telling people why they did what they did, or better than that, why it is that THEY are the victim. One always knows an abuser by their energy. I zero in on it. It is almost as though I do not have a choice in the matter anymore, and it is with very good reason.

It is not only to keep me safe from harm, but more, it is to show me what I have risen above.  What I have risen above is a whole lot in terms of knowing the heaviness that is the energy when I am confronted, even unbeknownst to me, by someone who has been bad to their loved ones. And really, they are not loved by these abusive people, but in their own minds, these people are owned, and once the ownership of them is over with, this is when the energy of release begins.  Thing is, we cannot, ourselves, “call it” when it comes to how, and through which sort of energy, that release will be. We do not have the right to control others. We only have the right to do that for ourselves.

An abuser knows when the release of energy begins, because what replaces the energy of fear, through the energy of release, is the energy that is triumph. No abuse survivor willingly will be in the presence of their abuser, and it is not only because their abuser is a person who makes the person who rose above the abuser’s bullshit is right in their thought that this moron makes them want to hurl, but more, it is because the survivor no longer can see themselves in the reflection of the person who hurt them so badly. Once it is that the abused person realizes and accepts where they have been, accepts that they have to move on in order to heal, and accepts that they have to do these things on their own, this is when the energy that holds the attacked is released. Upon realization that I had been lied about, not only to friends, family and acquaintances, but also to the police, my therapist on more than one occasion (yes, I had a therapist…”had”), and even some of my very closest confidantes, I was able to make the right choice to no longer or ever be so blindsided by my own thoughts about the good in people and to just let them get away with being bad to me.

And, at that time in my life when I chose correctly, he was the very mirror of the pain that was being suffered on the inside of me. However, now is different, and it is because I chose to no longer be the reflection of whatever it was that he projected to me. I had to grow up, very fast, the very first time that he put hands on me, and silly me, I believed that just staying quiet and saying nothing and thinking that maybe it was normal and that all women went through that happened everywhere and that it would only be one time. It didn’t. It wasn’t only one time. It was not that he chose to stop being the moron that I know he still is, but that I knew that there was a truth to me that was all my own, and that no one would be able to hamper other than me.

I refused to see what was in the mirror that no longer had to be the truth of me, and it was at that point that I shattered the mirror, shattered what was someone else’s truth about me, and thereby forged, for myself, a new Path, and one which has become gloriously gorgeous in many ways and continues to do so.

Yet, without caring enough to look at what was staring at me in the face and no longer being scared to look, let alone take action on my own behalf, I would not be able to sit here, today, and tell you that while you cannot change other people, you can, and should, think about the idea that you can and are able to change what mirrors are yours.

I Love You All !

ROX

PoetryInMotionMeme1


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