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Allowed to Fly

The Mana'o Blog_ Like The Soul Released from its Cage

Every person on this planet has the duty to grow from the inside, out. When we have accepted what is before us, even though we might not like it, it is like we have been allowed to spread our wings and fly

The last year has been a bitch.

All of us has been through a whole lot, and even though it was all harsh, it was all there and in place and took place for all sorts of reasons, with the one most important reason being that when we are in the middle of growing our souls, and we are not aware that this is what is going on, we are more inclined to see the current things happening in our lives as being nothing more than one more thing that we did not need to happen for us.

Yes…for us

For us.

It rarely occurs to others that the throes of things that suck and have visited our lives and seem like they are taking forever to leave our lives has everything to do with the idea that as humans, we have been taught, as well as it is inborn, to hold onto things, even if they are not good for us or no longer hold any purpose for us – we hang on to things in our lives, even the bad things, because those things mean something to us.

They mean something to us for the one reason that no one tends to really and truly think about, and that one thing is that everything that gets in our faces, so to speak, and continues to get in our faces are in our faces because they are showing us something. Typically, what those things are showing us are things that we have not wanted to face, have not completely been able to wrap our heads around. All we can see, and all we can feel, and all that we can understand is that we are at a loss, even though, in many ways, our losses were instead the gains that we have no idea they are. What we are gaining is not just a better understanding of what it is that we have been through and why we have gone through it all, but more, so that we can see, through those things that are no longer there, the thing that has been left there.

We can call it a void, but that is such a negative way of saying that we are taught what we are taught the way that we need to learn it all – Spirit does not make mistakes, she only makes sure that the things we are meant to learn and that are pertinent to the things that we are here and purposed with imparting through our own life’s teachings, we learn. Not everyone is like I am – I LOVE to learn. As sick as it sounds, once it is that a certain harsh lesson has come to me and once it is that I have gone through that lesson, it is not unlike me to revisit, at least in my thoughts, the things that I went through, picking it all apart to find the diamond in the excrement, find the treasure in the proverbial dumpster behind the thrift store.

What learning through doing does for us

I say a whole lot about bravery and how it requires us to be afraid on some level. It is bravery that helps us make choices that otherwise, we would not. It is bravery that allows us to know what is the truth of any situation, and bravery that, within that situation, makes it so that we are more able to see the truth of ourselves. Bravery does NOT require any measure of bravado, because bravado is not the truth – bravado is simply bravado and bravado is the thing that has brought many strong nations to its knees. I am not talking about bravado.

I am talking about knowing that you are scared to death of something that is in the here in now, and knowing that if the choice to not be brave is not there yet, that nothing blocking our path will change, because we have chosen, at that time, to study why it is, through our own self reporting, by journaling or speaking to one’s own self and soul, that we know we are or are not ready, are or are not brave enough to face the demons which live within our own selves. Being brave is very different than wearing a mask of bravado. Bravado is part of the ego’s arsenal, while bravery is born in the Soul. Bravado is the thing that is needed when encountering others who are also wearing that same mask, but for no other reason than that on their part, they need their mask, because their mask hides their fear and their mask makes it easier for anyone at all to “be” brave in the face of anything dangerous to our ego-selves.

Bravery, though, is that thing in our souls that makes us check ourselves, makes us think before we do anything, and bravery is the only thing in this lifetime that makes us have to make a choice – the choice that is on many levels….as Shakespeare asks “To Be, or not To Be?” and in this case it also includes “To Do, or not To Do,” and “To Change, or not To Change…this is the question…” and is the question that we each have been asking ourselves for weeks now, in terms of what it is that we see ahead of us, that we know is there and that we know we will have to work towards having. In those decisions we find that we have already torn apart the answers and the part that we do not understand being why they are the answers. We find that we have been brave simply by choosing to acknowledge that certain shitty things are part of our lives at the present moment. We have acknowledged that there is a part of life right this moment that is daunting, that has the energy of the giant spider that resides in the closet of our memories and sticks like glue next to the monsters and dragons that are there, as well.

Spiders and Dragons and Monsters, oh my !

We all have fears, and some of those fears are produced by this thing that I have been told is called our “cellular knowledge.”

Cellular knowledge, loosely defined, is the thing that makes us have a fearful reaction, or a good reaction, and we do not know why we are having that particular reaction. Basically, this knowledge is housed in our cells, is knowledge, at least to my own understanding and in terms of how it was explained to me by my Auntie Kalei, and of course, Mama No, and then confirmed by my past class in biological psychology as well as my own private research of how the brain does what it does….cellular knowledge is knowledge that is inherited, at the cellular level, and points to our past, even anciently. What we are afraid of and what feels like it is primal and within us is an example of this thing called cellular knowledge.

Our cellular knowledge is where I have found, through researching it, the part of us that is terrified of things that are alive and well within our Twelfth house (astrologically, it is where all of our secrets, all of our fears, all of our karmic lessons “live.”), the part that our ego-self does not want the rest of the world to know exists within us. Many of us only can see it as a harsh challenge overcoming that which is housed within their twelfth houses, particularly if their natal sun (sun sign) is in the 12th house. This does not mean anything other than that these are the lessons which we are here to learn, and this is the karma that needs to be balanced, and now is the lifetime that you have the chance to overcome those fears and to ultimately squish the spiders which live in the closet of our minds.

Unfortunately, most folks don’t do the work, are not interested in changing things that ultimately will be for the betterment of their lives as they once knew it. Sure, the things that are there and are shitty and just do not feel okay are the very things that have come calling on the each of us to stand up and be brave, to look at it all and make sure that whatever it is that seems like it is eating us alive is really only pointing at the thing that we keep on not looking at and that we are terrified to deal with. I know this particular dragon very well. It is the very dragon that has haunted me, with the prodding of the monster that is sitting next to it, that is also pointing at the damned spider that I thought I squished.

What a lot of us are not thinking about is that most of the time, it is in the darkness that these ugly things come to us and scare the hell out of us. When we are children, we are left comforted by a tiny little thing called a night light. Lots of us have a memory of that very night light being the one thing that, in the darkness, only made us more afraid. On the top of things we knew that, because of our cellular knowledge, it is the shadow cast upon the wall in our bedroom that made those monsters and dragons and spiders look so big and scary. We knew they were not the reality, and even if they were, we knew that there was at least a shoe to take care of the spider. Yet, we chose always to stay beneath the covers, not having to look at the landscape that was our bedroom at night, not having to acknowledge that we were very scared of what the shadows on the walls showed us.

Then we got older, and taller, but that little kid who was terrified by those shadows still lives and is alive and well and afraid, dearly afraid, of the shadows that she sees there, ominous and glowering in the darkness and casting onto the walls in the hallways of our minds the evidence of our fears and what it is that keeps us from investigating and finding out the very truth of things.

The very truth of things is that sometimes, it takes a lot of harshness for us to finally want to address things that we have not wanted to, perhaps not for many, many lifetimes. The bottom line is that once it is that we have at the very least acknowledged that something needs our attention, it is at that very moment that we understand one very important thing…

Humans CAN fly….

Humans can fly. Maybe not in the sense that the owl in the photo does, but, none the less, we can and are able to stretch our spiritual wings, able to lift ourselves above any situation, if for nothing more than to just get the view of the truth as it really is at any given time. The truth is, by and large, and for the most part, very ugly. The truths that we love are born of the truths that we cannot bear to look at. The truth of me is that I am terrified of most people, for no other reason than that I have been given the instance, over and over again, of people who are dark in the soul, people who are under the influence of the shadow cast by the demons in the closets of their own existence.

If we realized that we are able to rise above the excrement, that we are given this…bird’s eye-view…of what it is that we are faced with, and if we can simply just tear it all apart, so that we can pinpoint where it is that the terror within us lives, we are able, at that moment to either be brave, or work on becoming brave, so that we can, when the demons rear their heads again, stare them in the face, knowing that the danger they pose is a danger that we have self-imposed on ourselves. This is not saying that no one has a real fear of what it is that we each and all have experienced. It is to say, though, that since it is that we are who give these demons their power, we are also the ones who can destroy them with that same power.

Once it is that we have realized our own power in terms of acknowledging what truths are there, and once it is that we have decided that we will take on our demons, that we will slay our dragons, that we will squish our spiders with the gigantic slippah of the truth, we realize that the monsters that live there are the very sort that Bug Bunny coiffed in so many cartoons.

Let this be the monster who stays….he’s got fabulous hair …and he makes us laugh hysterically, even as at the same time, we are terrified of him.

Our terror keeps us grounded, but, our bravery allows us to fly…

Don’t be so scared of what it is that was placed there, for whatever reason we had when we placed it all there….we placed it there, meaning that we are the only one who has the power to remove it all…

…one spider at a time…one slippah at a time….

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It Scares You, Doesn’t It?

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What would you do if challenged to help, for real, using only who you are and what you do? What would you do if you were given the chance to be there, for real, for anyone at all and actually mean it?

We humans like believing that we help everyone we can. While this might be tangibly the truth, what is also the truth is that the underlying energy of the reason why we want to help others is not what we even think about.

The truth is that when we help someone else, we are also helping ourselves.

Work with me for a moment, will you? Let me take you someplace that not a lot of Professional Weirdos are willing to take anyone who ought to want to go to those proverbial places that we all want to visit but are scared to death to do that.

Yes – scared to death. We are terrified of doing right by others, because we do not know how to feel okay with ourselves without also feeling guilty for having felt like that (truth), and on the other side of that, others are scared to help because those others, even while they will not admit it, are doing things solely for the purpose of being thanked and knowing that they were depended on, meaning that to some degree and specifically if they do not realize this, was all about controlling someone else through measures of instilling guilt, shame, self-loathing, into the person who they are claiming they want to help.

And the most …not thought about…part of all of this helping others and the manner which we are doing it, and the reason why we each and all particularly have in terms of helping others. I can say right now that there was a time, a long time ago, that I would help damned nearly anyone who ever came to me for my help. Little did I realize that sometimes, those people were not playing fairly, using my words against others as though that is what my intention was when I began to work with them. When what I told them was used against the person who they were trying to be with, and also worked against these particular clients’ plans other than what I was hoping they would do (which was simply to heal themselves and learn from the harsh things going on in their lives, but they didn’t), I became very upset, to the point of rage. No one needs that.

There were times that I wanted to help them so that they could help me not feel guilty for not putting myself, my beliefs, my values and who I am aside, for not dumbing myself down, for not failing me, but in those times, I reminded myself that being manipulated to help someone else, by that someone else, was not going to help my cause of helping people help themselves be better at being who they really are. I reminded myself that I cannot help everyone, because the truth is that not everyone is able to be helped. You see, that is the part of being able to see one’s own self from a third person point of view – the ability to see where it is that perhaps we might need to work on ourselves. I get a lot of emails asking me about my reasons for doing things for other people and other groups of people, asking me why it is that I do not demand pay for these things from some of these groups, and the truth is that the groups in question are typically not groups of adults, but groups of kids whose parents are not able to help them in the same manner that someone else’s mom whose mission in life is imparting the truth onto the populace.

The only thing that I can say to these and in answer to these questions is because kids need all the help that they can get, because they are kids. I then ask these people if they recall being a kid, at any age, and how at all times they were terrified of everything, and usually I will remind them that the reason they are asking me that specific question is already they are revealing their fear to me. They are revealing that since they do not understand my own reasons as to why I charge certain people a certain rate, and others, I do what I do for the love of my work – that since it is that they would not do the same thing, that they will judge someone like me who has no problem doing what she can with what she has been given if it means that just one more person on this planet learns something.

The reason that anyone is afraid to help is, I think, also rooted in the fear that we will be asked to help others, others who we might not want to help at all, and into play comes that ego-self reaction of feeling obligated to help when really, we might not be able to help someone else, not because we do not want to, but because we are not the right type of healer for them. No one likes letting anyone else down, and really, no one is obligated until and unless they obligate themselves to whatever it is that they have named their cause for the moment. My cause for the moment is, as I have already mentioned, to do what I can with what I have been given so freely, to those who need what I can do…yes, sometimes I do this shit for free. Deal with it.

We have been guilted for generations to help others, ALL others, just because we have been told that we have to do this. No, we do not. You would not help a group of people who form groups of people who seek out the weak and vulnerable among us so that those in that group could further their cause, would you? Of course you wouldn’t. However, you would do something for someone like yourself, someone who you could relate to and someone who you could possibly have a pretty good effect on the lives of both you and the person who you have chosen to help, simply because when we help, we are doing what we are all supposed to be doing with what it is that we do anything at all with. We are not here to be ultra cool and groovy, creating these lives filled with love and wonder, and keeping it all to ourselves, at all. We are not here to decide who is and who is not worthy of our help, for the simple fact that when we need to know, need to learn, need to have that instance of what is part of the purpose we are in this lifetime, and our part in our mission with the tribe of souls on this planet in this lifetime, so that we, through that effort and the use of those gifts, will not only be able to help others who we can help, but more, to teach us the reality that is “judge not, lest first ye shall be judged,” and to also know who are the least of us, who are those who deserve to know what is our inner state of giving, and those who we will learn the very most from, even if we never, ever meet them face to face.

This is what is our collective, global mission – we are in place to be of good service to and for one another, but never to be in servitude, which is what a whole LOT of people feel like they are doing when they are asked to do anything for anyone else. This is not the truth, and no you are not obligated to do anything out of your not wanting to feel guilty. You are not supposed to help if you feel obligated, but go and help anyone who the sacrifice, if that is what you must see it as, will be worth the value of the reward in energy that you, yourself, will create for you, for those others in need. Don’t think of it as being something that you just cannot get into, because service to all of humanity is different than being enslaved by the grind caused by the thing that you have been told all of your life is actual charity. Charity is NOT you giving things and money away for free to strangers (okay, so, technically it is BUT…I think you know what I am saying). but you taking the time to care about other human beings who you are trying to make things a little better for.

It does not make you a patsy, or a sucker, and it does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you very strong to know that on some level, even a tiny little one, you have helped to at least make the thought that you helping is somehow going to score you brownie points with your mother’s god and so that he will not strike you down for not doing what you were told by your unenlightened and controlling pastor who may well be getting a kick back from all of the campaigning that you are doing on behalf of the church he is not giving credit to the congregation for having done a stellar job in terms of caring for the global flock. (Yup, I have issues with church and organized religion…like I make it a secret or something)

I suppose that my point today is that you are meant to help others, without guilt and without feeling guilty if you do not or cannot help with certain others – that is not your fault, and you are not here to save the world. You are here to beautify your world with others like you and who live within that world, for no matter how long a time they are there, so that together, you can, with them, become your purpose, serve your mission with them and with others like them, for a common cause, which typically is not ever a bad cause, really. In my case, it is helping those who are just like me…moms with kids, women who have survived the bad moon rising of domestic violence and emotional abuse, parents who want every kid within their reach to have the best chance at a great life, all created by their own dreams and their own hands….and most of all, those who, by the very grace of the Goddess, have the ability to reach out to the world, to teach it how to live in harmony with itself, to learn to live without apology, and to Love without condition, to live within the bounds of our own personal level and energy of integrity, and to be the shining example of keeping hold and never letting go of each of our own born-into-it Kuleana, our personal responsibility, as handed to us by the Goddess, cultivated within us through the desire to see good in the world as it really is…organic…

….but mostly, to never lose sight of the one thing that should be the prize that all of our eyes are upon, at all times…

…the ability to fully Be Love, and by that measure to Be, In Love… Being, In Love, is not the sort that you might think when you see that term. It is nice to be In Love with one other person who you share so very much in common with (Hi Maestro…Muah). Yet, to Be, In Love, means to always live within a presence of Love within the confines of one’s own life, to Be in the Love that is within one’s own self and for one’s own self, and to know that even when things suck, we have the option to Be, In Love, or to be in turmoil from not ever thinking that the most loving thing that we can ever do for ourselves is to do what we do for those whose mission in life is the same as ours…I just said what it is….I’ll say it again…

 

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The Wreckage that We are at Times

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The propensity that we have towards not feeling our own pain and believing that we can handle our lives without feeling it is what today’s post is all about.

You can all call me a whiny bitch all you want. I know the truth.

I know that I am strong and resilient, and I also know that there are going to be things that happen that will test my resolve, as things have for the last month, and will mess with my composure, and at the same time, show me not only what I am made of, but what others are also made of. I found out that I am not made of sugar and spice, but rather  a collective of memories that I keep having to live through everyday, just so that I can get through them and over it all.

What I am, right this moment, is someone who is a ball of jumbled emotions. I am, or at least can be, very adept at not feeling what I am feeling at any given moment. I have been that way for a long time. No matter what, though, this time, and these emotions are not going away if I do not acknowledge them. 

And Goddess-bless certain people for trying to lift me out of my mood…I have been made aware by my Spirit Mother and Sisters that I have to feel them, because if I do not feel them, I cannot know how to help anyone else deal with them. This is not my copping out, and is not my being a martyr – this is simply my being the constant Shaman in training, the very one who willingly traverses the Path of the Black Flame. (And yes I do realize that that is also the title of a magazine published by the church of Satan but..it is surely not the same thing…please…keep reading…)

I am realizing one thing – when it is that we are supposed to go through a lot of bullshit, the Universe will serve us up with a ton of it, and no matter what it is that we are thinking we can do to avoid a lot of things that we do not want to deal with, deal with those things we will. I am writing SPECIFICALLY about myself in that, if there is a person on this planet who (a) does not like watching other people suffer, (b) would rather be the one to absorb it all for anyone else, and (c) is learning that in my wanting to do for them what it is that they are learning, I am not learning. What I am not wanting to learn is how to navigate my silly Pisces okole out of this madness.

There are a lot of people who will tell you that if there is one person who has the ability to bounce back from the bullshit that seems to have always plagued my life, it is me.

However, when I look back into the years that I have been able to do the escape artist thing, I find that I have done myself no favors at all, in fact, and those non-favors have led me to have to seek help from other healers. Once it is that I can get past all of the things that broke my heart, no matter who were the ones who’d done it (and mind you I do know that PLENTY of them meant no harm…), no matter how much I do not care to face yet one more little tiny bit of bullshit, face it all, I must. 

Face it all…

I am reminded of the …cute…nature of Disney character “Dory” from “finding Nemo,” with her famous mantra being “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.”

There is not a Pisces on this planet who does not know what this is like – the idea that in order to survive the insanity of the ocean of emotion, we have the choice to keep swimming.  In nature, fish have no other real defenses, not even the big scary ones, and it is the reason that most of them swim away from danger. I mean, even in a fish bowl, a fish will try to swim away from something that it senses will hurt it. Try it at home if you can, and you will find out that I am right – stick your finger into a bowl with a goldfish in it, and while that creature will, at first, be curious about the thing that has just come into its watery abode, once it is that it finds out it cannot eat it, said goldfish will swim as far away from your finger that it can, just so that it can remain safe. This is natural for them, to swim from what it is that appears or they sense to be not food or to be some sort of predator coming for it.

Using this same analogy, if it is that we stick our finger in the fishbowl too much, and once in every while we actually touch the gills of the fish in the bowl, eventually that fish is going to chafe, and eventually that fish is going to have a very different response to its own curiosity – and that response is called fear. We fear that which we know is not comfortable, and we fear that which we have no idea about, and we fear whatever it is that we have denied long enough so that we could, at least for a little while, not have to fear those things. Yet, we forget that we have to go through all of that shit, have to deal with the things that we are not exactly too thrilled about having to do.

And yes, I have indeed have had very much enough of that thing called “all this bullshit.” I have had enough of all the hurt and the heartache, to the point where now, if I do not face it all, I will be dealing with more and more of this manifestation of physical pain in lieu of facing the inner demons of simply just not wanting to hurt anymore. It is one of those things that, unless you are me, are my twin flame, are particularly close to me in any manner, you are not going to have the reality of this thing that I am experiencing. This thing that I am experiencing is called pain.

Pain is the indicator light

We human beings ascribe attributes of non-human things to ourselves. I like using a car for my own. Because I have had a lot of difficulties lately with my own vehicle, I can truly say that my Wonderbucket and I, at this moment, have the same issues. The differences are obvious – it is a car. I am a person. It is not running, and I am still breathing. However, my vehicle ran the distance until she was tired, and my vehicle worked hard for me even though I knew that sometimes, she just needed to be parked under a shady tree for a day or two, and always, my vehicle did not let me down. While she may never run again, my vehicle, no matter what, will always be the place that I am able to find solace.

Not only is my vehicle out of commission, my ambulation has been hampered – knee injury…happened whilst performing a labor of Love and a labor of Love which I would do, again and again, and would not bat an eye at it if I ended up, every time, injuring my knee. That I have an injury is one thing – it happens to the best of us. That I have a knee injury specifically is the thing that makes me shudder a little bit in that, hula is danced from the knees and the feet, and through this injury, I have been shown exactly how much not only my legs and my ability to walk, dance, move about, actually mean to me and more, how much my life is not the same, albeit temporarily, without my Medicine Dance.

I have learned a whole lot about myself, and the one thing that I have learned as of this moment is that we all have that point at which we can take no more. Even as this might be true, while we can take no more is one thing, but that what other people are bringing to us that we can take no more of we HAVE TO be able to tell the difference between what is meant to hurt, and what is an attempt that, through our emotional guidance, we are not privy to having to deal with any of it, if that, at any moment, is what we are finding ourselves having to do so as to not have to absorb any more pain, no matter what.

Other people who do not know us and who do not care about what their actions have done to our lives as a whole are, regardless of what we want to think is the truth, also learning. But, I am finding that these are the sort of people who will, without even batting an eye, place the blame of their actions of shittiness onto the people who they have created wreckage for. I am reminded of those who deem themselves “in charge” of anything that has no meaning for anyone other than them. I am reminded of people who take their “manager name tag” and shove it in the faces of the people who they think they are superior to. These are the people, by and large, who have created the very most havoc in my life and in the lives of those particularly close to me. These are the people, I have to believe, want to believe, will try to exact it as being believable even if only to myself, do not know have already, for themselves, started the loop of Karmic grief.

Karmic Grief

This is the part where I give you the cosmic “aaaaahhhhhhh,” and the part where I remind us all, namely myself, that things that suck and feel like they will end our lives as we know it are temporary. 

Don’tcha just hate it when some damned spiritual person comes along and reminds us that everything we are going through is temporary? I am one of those spiritual types and right now I dislike very much reading my own words, but, I have to read them, because I have to believe them, because if anyone wants all of this burdensome bullshit to be over with, it is me (and a few others very close to me). The thing that I like calling “Karmic Grief” is the other side of this pain that collectively, many of us are feeling right this moment.

I would love to tell you that they get theirs when we want them to, but that is not what happens. What happens is that they get theirs when it is most pertinent to the thing that they are exacting now. This means that if someone in your life, regardless of how close you are to them, and more so if you cannot stand them, has harmed your heart and soul in any manner at all, no matter how much we want to see them suffer what it is that we are suffering, it will not come to them until it means something to them that whatever it is that they are putting us through they too will go through.

For instance, there is a woman I know of who likes to behave like a man, and it is proved by the way that she treats men. I am not going to sit here and tell anyone that I can tell you how or when her karmic grief is going to get her, but what I will state is that, without a doubt, it is coming for her, and she will be helpless to do a thing about it when it does. If she does not learn from the havoc that she has wreaked onto at least myself and one other person, then she will end up going through that same measure of grief again and again until she learns that she is not allowed to make peoples’ lives hard and practically ruin them just because she has that material power to do so.

Material power is different than soul power, because material power is finite, while soul power is infinite. (Think about it) Using one’s material power (physical, real or imagined, bullying in one way or another) is easier than going with what your soul is telling you to do. It is your soul’s power that prompts any one of us to ultimately look at the pain and feel the compulsion to deal with it, even though we know that it is going to suck…badly. Using our soul’s power makes us focus on ourselves and not on the things that we see in other people that we, ourselves, cannot “fix” for ourselves. When we cannot “fix” something is when we are being told that what we are faced with is something that we have to deal with, that we cannot turn from, and that ultimately will make us far stronger than the weakness that we are feeling right now in the material. This does not change things for any of us, at least not topically. What it does do is gives us an option – to face (soul power)…or not to face (material power).

In the time that we go through what we will go through when we opt to go with our souls and get through things from the soul, out, we will, for sure, blame otehrs for how we feel, even though the blame for our feeling any way is not what they are responsible for. They are responsible for bringing the pain to us. Our kuleana with that pain is to heal ourselves from it. This does not, at all, make things at all different. They are still who brought the pain. We are still who must feel it and work through it. This does not excuse the pain if it were done on purpose (refer to the thing about me, one other person, and that “manager pin” worn on the sleeve). What it does, believe it or not, is gives us leverage. It does this through the mechanism of them thinking they have hurt us, which they have, and our begging them for mercy, which sometimes we do, and our eventually realizing that we never needed them to give us mercy. We needed them to show us the next lesson.

That’s it. Really. That’s it. In relegating them to this position of merely bringing us the lesson, we take from them the one thing that they hope, like all people like this would be, would be the thing that they need to keep control over us in some manner. When we remove from them, through our choosing to see things through the eyes of the soul rather than the material and we understand what it is that, materially, we mean to them. They actually need us – we never need anyone else to make us feel powerful by their ability to take from us what they think and assume makes them feel more powerful and is ours- material, or otherwise. Empowerment does not come from denying others their power. It comes from respecting them even when they are at their weakest, period. If they do not respect you and never did, that is a them thing, not a you thing…keep reading.

It is not our place to wish bad things onto anyone. It is not our place to want them to hurt like we do, but wish it upon them we will (I can think of four right now…two bitch boys and two manchicks). This is when we end up creating that karmic circle for ourselves, all over again. The lesson, at least for me, in part, I know, is that I have to stop wishing certain peple would suffer, because in doing so, I have to suffer. Right now, the suffering that I am doing is all mine, make no mistake, but it is not because I want suffering for anyone (at least not for real). It is, rather and instead, because that is how I roll. I do not like to suffer, but I will suffer if I am meant to. Learning means that sometimes, we have to go through pain. I am in pain in more ways than one. A lot of us are.

It is not something that will make any of us feel any better about what it is that is right here and now. Karma is not meant to be that way. Karmic grief is not up to us to exact, and if we are lucky we will be somewhere nearby when it all starts for these certain others, for no other reason than to have a sense of confirmation and closure to the pain.

If we are lucky, the Universe will show us glimpses of things being made right and will make it so that we are no way, and in the right energy, the one who is blamed for the karmic grief of others. Understand now that there is a difference between feeling grief, and grieving. The grief about which I am writing and that we feel is to be thought of as our having to deal with a lot of bullshit. But, grieving over things is totally different. We feel grief when others bring it to us, but, we grieve over things, not only that we have lost, but that we seem not to understand the reason as to why it is those things which hurt us are so very hard for us to deal with.

So, if it is that you are experiencing the wreckage that has become your own life, take heart in a few things:

  1. While it might seem very…naive…of me to state so, and even while I, myself, am having a very dearly hard time dealing with even my own words about this shit, whatever it is that you are experiencing and is making you feel grief, it is temporary.
  2. You are not the circumstances of your life. You are a human being. You are worthy of Love and self-acceptance for that alone. You are not required to proverbially beat the shit out of you just because the world seems to have a different idea about it.
  3. The things that mean the most to us might not be the things that we need for this time in our lives, and this also applies to people and the way that we are treated by them, no matter who they are. They might not be able to handle whatever it is that you are dealing with, and in like kind, they will go away and return another time.
  4. Where there appears to be a “hole in the soul” is actually space for something new.

When it seems as though we are not getting what it is that we want, we have to look at the other side of it, to the things that we need. Maybe we need to learn to just live without certain things and people in our lives. I don’t know. I don’t like doing either of those things. But, if it means that I will,eventually, be better and stronger for having done so, then I suppose that which I thought was lost was never mine to begin with.

#LiveALOHA

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The New Moon

1NewMoonAries2015_TMB

The moon is one thing that we all have in common every day and night. We look to the sky to seek her soft, comfortable glow. Little do too many of us realize the powerful energy available to us when the moon is new.

The Moon.

Like the Sun behind the darkness of rain clouds, we can guarantee that even if we cannot see her there in the night time sky, She is still there. The moon can be  thought of as “mother,” and the Sun “father.” In our birth charts they are the first two and probably the most important two, along with the rising sign (our game face), of all of the signs and planets and positions in our birth charts.

Yet, there is another part of this…weirdness, another part that lots and lots of people don’t understand.

Yes, the reason that you feel the way that you feel right now IS directly related to the moon, the phase it is in, and…

…what sign your moon sign is in.

You see, whether you want to believe me or not, and whether you want to absorb the idea that every one of us is affected by the moon, her phases and the rest of the planets is not on me to decide.

You can decide that I am full of garbage, and decide that you hold the ultimate fate that you will meet one day, and you can choose to think that I am somehow off of my rocker but I am telling you the truth when I say that we are dearly affected by the moon and the phases that she goes through every month.

“Moon Time”

Women are inextricably connected to the moon and her phases. Our bodies follow the cycle of the moon, and we are dearly affected by it when the energy of the moon changes. The energy of the moon changes when the sign of the moon changes. When the sign of the moon changes, whatever is our personal lunar sign is affected by the qualities of whatever sign the moon is in.

Right now the moon is in fiery Aries. Folks with their moon represented by a fire sign and dependent upon which fire sign it is in will determine their feelings and how those feelings are presented outwardly.

What also affects us is when the sign the moon is in transitions into the next sign. In my case, this last change of signs really messed with me, but because I chose this time to ponder through feeling what I was feeling, and because I chose to make it so that I would be consciously aware of what I was feeling and why, I came up with the reason why I trip out when specifically the moon changes from a water element moon to a fire element moon. Particularly when the moon changes from dreamy Pisces, to action oriented Aries.

When the moon hits your Soul, never mind your eye…

The planets and their energies are all directed by gravity, but you all already know this. The Earth’s gravitational pull is what determines how far or near the moon appears to be during its phases. Again, you already know this.

What you might not know is that, every single day of our lives, we are affected by the moon and the planets and what signs and houses they are in astrologically. For instance, I was born with my lunar sign as Taurus, the bull. Taurus is a fixed, feminine (receptive) sign. The moon rules our inner selves, our emotional selves. When the moon is in a water sign, depending upon which sign and the planets and all that other good, weird stuff, determines my attitude as drawn out emotionally.

The moon is in a masculine (outward and the world can see it) sign in Aries right now. Aries is a cardinal sign, and cardinal signs are about action. Aries is the sign of action, of gettin’ things done, and Aries, for the most part, plows through things, most of the time without thinking about it. Aries is about “Me, myself, and I” (thanks Dr. Standley). Taurus is about leisure and comfort, about the beautiful things in life and how we love and cherish them. Taurus is a fixed sign, and “n the moon,” is the most stable sign emotionally.

When the moon is in a water sign, most of us who have Taurus as our lunar sign will be fine and dandy, again, dependent upon which water sign it is in, and if I had to choose it, I would have to go with Scorpio, because it, too, is a fixed sign (meaning that it will do things this way, feel things this way, think about things this way, and dammit – we ain’t budgin’), and also, Pisces, because it is mutable (meaning that those with a Pisces moon…a Pisces anything, in that house or planet that it sits in, are not totally set on one way and one way only…keep reading…).

When it comes to the Cancer moon, because it is a cardinal sign, my Taurus seems a bit uncomfortable, or maybe it is that my inner Bull does not like the emotional currents of the Cancerian moon.  Wherever it is in my chart, your chart, everyone’s chart that Cancer resides is what makes all the difference in the world.

My Cancer resides in my 12th house. The 12th house scares people because that is where our secrets and everything Karmic is that we have to learn is at. Cancer represents home, hearth and family. If you have read anything by me as presented in my music blog, you would know why I would say that I have never been the most favored in my family, at least on one side of it, and yes, it helped shape who I became.

When the moon is in the sign of Cancer, every little emotional “thing” that affects me about the home, the hearth, nurturing, the family, “mother”…all of it comes crashing into me because the moon in our chart shows us emotionally, who we are. (Again, mine is in Taurus – the most stable sign for the moon to be in, which is a very good thing given my Pisces sun and Leo rising, and hell yes my 12th house in Cancer – the 12th house is ruled by my Pisces).

What the moon is doing when it changes both phases and signs, and wherever it is that our sign is positioned will tell us how we are being affected and why. I just told you about the Cancerian moon, sort of, and here is where I was going with that…

Whatever house it is that the actual moon is in at any given time will absolutely affect us emotionally in whatever house that sign is in. Cancer is ruled by the moon.

When the moon is in Cancer, my 12th house lights up like a Las Vegas billboard and everything within that house that the moon is shining its glow on will be revealed, meaning that all of my secrets and hurts and karma stuff is going to be in my face and I am going to feel every bit of it, given that how we feel is directed by the moon, its phase and the sign that it is in, and also the house, or area of life, it is in in my birth chart.

This does not mean that for those three days that the moon is in a certain phase and sign that I am no longer a lunar Taurean. It means that whatever sign the moon is in, not only will the house that the sign is in will be shed light on, but also, my bull will take on shades of, in this case today, April 18, 2015, the ram, Aries.

That the bull is a fixed sign is one thing, but that the new moon in Aries wants to forge ahead with the things that are near and dear to the Taurean moon in my chart is not a mistake. Right now, I am contemplating where it is that I would like for my hula halau (Dance studio) to be in operation.

For the last five years I have been figuring out what my halau is about (healing from the soul, out), and for the last year, I have been figuring out if I want to continue with the private healing sessions (umm…not primarily, no…how will I get paid only doing this Hula thing that way?), or do I want to go back to group lessons for lunch time sessions (ummm…that’s okay but lately I have not been doing that at all so this means that it is likely time to just restructure that or simply just not have that anymore…remains to be seen), or, if I want to do both of those things AND teach like I have always taught, which is once or twice a week, during the week, for two or three hours split into two days or two or three hours once a week (Probably the latter…again…wait and see…).

What you have just read is not only my Bull (astrologically known as the CEO) thinking, but, the new moon in Aries (the go-to sign…and also the sign of war) getting impatient with me and my Bull for not making things easier so that we can get a move on with it already (this would be the fish in the Sun as Pisces, being a safe little goldfish when really, she is a Shark and needs to be reminded of that…which is the Aries New Moon’s job…)

“What’s your point, Rox?”

My point is that during the new moon phase, and depending upon the sign which the moon is in at the time will determine the things that we are more inclined or not inclined to do and indeed EVERYTHING that is emotionally tied to those inclinations). Right now the moon is in Aries, and as I have already stated, Aries is the sign of action, because it is a fire sign. Fire signs represent action.

Since the Bull in my chart is the CEO, and the fish in my chart is the real me, and the game face in my chart is Leo, the lion (duh…ever seen my hair? There’s a reason my mom used to tell me to brush my hair because I LOOKED LIKE A BABY LION…think about it) and since all of these things point to my creating new ways to implement things in terms of my working life (my moon sits in my tenth house of public life in a career way, my game face in first house allows me to hide the terrified me in Pisces sun when speaking publicly about the terrors of emotional abuse).

Since it is a fiery new moon in Aries, the only thing that all of these things is pointing to is that I need to continue forward, be brave in the face of the naysayers, and not give a shit about what others think of me and my Medicine Dance, my being a teacher of all things “weirdness,” my writing things that I write, and mostly, my being who I really am through it all and in spite of other things.

Of course, there are other things in my chart that will implement this lunar Arien energy right now as it is helping my sometimes “thought-lazy” bull get her okole up to do what she is best at, is helping my stuck-in-an-aquarium-and-convinced-it-is-a-goldfish-but-is-really-a-shark Pisces sun, and making my Leo rising (the high priestess, NOT the queen, at least in this instance) that much more compelled to not only strive for that which She has always striven for (excellence), but to also absorb that which she has earned in terms of knowing one’s self enough to not be taken by it when the moon hits her soul like sometimes it will…

…and sometimes, it will hit the soul like a brick hitting a brittle window and crashes through the rose-colored hue that not a lot of people are willing to try to crack because the Pisces is both the goldfish and the shark, and the Pisces is who will take it all in and for the most part, take it all wrong. The lioness only seeks to be seen.

The Bull?

You can think of her as the one who, solidly grounded in her strength, is the driving force which the Aries new moon pushes to succeed, even in the face of difficult circumstances.

I Love You All

Aloha… ROX 

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Waking up is hard to do

lion-waking-up

The last few weeks that have passed have shown us a side of ourselves that no one really cares to deal with. The reason the collective whole of us has been having a collective snit is simple – waking up to who we each and all truly are isn’t easy. In fact, waking up is hard to do.

I have said it more than once, and lately, have said it more than once a day. Those of us who are manifesting who we are for real are having growing pains. I know this one personally, as does any one of those closest to me. Some of us are not aware of this one thing, this thing that we are doing, this thing called waking up to our higher selves.

I could sit here and say that it was but one phone call this morning, but I would be full of crap in doing so. It was after that one phone call that a barrage of texts came to me, which are still happening right now as I sit here writing this and looking at the indicator light on my cell phone that is telling me I’ve been contacted.

We are being shown who we are, shown where our and also that our  greatness lives within us, and some of us, like me, for example, ain’t buyin’ the idea that maybe, for real even, we ARE that awesome.

Ummmm…hello? 

Believe it or not, we are THAT awesome. Think about it – you, me, everyone on this planet has the very same options open to us at birth. This is the truth. This is not something new. Thing is, we are not the ones, at birth, even though, paradoxically, we are always the ones, even at birth, who are ultimately in charge of what happens in our lives. The fact is that each of us, at birth, has that thing called free will at the same time that we are as vulnerable as any infant would be.

This is where a lot of us parents have it wrong, and have, for generations, had it wrong in that, we impose onto our kids the things that we want them to do, of course, for their own good, because we see in these little tiny people who call us mom or dad, the potential that is there due to another thing called the seed of greatness.

The seed of greatness is that thing within us all that we each have and is the option, when we are ready, to choose to sow in the soil of our lives.

While I know that it is hard to think about a five year old having the potential toward greatness when said five year old is out in the yard digging holes in the dirt and playing with bugs and possibly eating worms and her own boogers, what we do not see and what we do not know unless said child tells us, is what said child is thinking.

The seeds of greatness in said child might be in science as someone who finds a way to take dirt and turn it into fuel or energy or even self-producing organic fertilizer…no one knows that because we teach our kids, unfortunately, to be seen, not heard, and to make us proud.

Proud of what? Proud that they were born, and proud that here we have in our midst these tiny little lives that, if we are not more aware of it, we also have the very power to wreck, or at least put off, their chances at greatness created by their own efforts?

Parents are the very ones who set kids up for the fall and we do it through our placing demands on them without realizing that that is what we are doing. Of course we just want the very best for them, and in wanting this, we do like parents do and we start molding for them the structure that they will need in order to make us proud.

Note that I wrote “make us proud” and not “make their lives phenomenal through their own efforts and sense and ability toward creativity and creating that life.”

It is time, folks, for the majority of those of us who have procreated to take a look at our own involvement with our kids’ lives and take into account all of the barriers that were presented to us and know, right away, that what we are seeing there and right this minute is NOT the end of things, really. They ARE kids, and they are OUR kids, meaning that even now, even if they are our adult kids who no longer live in our care, we still CAN do something…”parental”…at this time.

It’s called being supportive of their efforts and knowing that they are doing their best.

Period.

Yeah…but what about us…you know, the ones who were once those kids and are now no longer in need of our mommies to make sure we don’t get lost in the supermarket?

Guess what?

We are always those very kids. I say so because if it were not the truth, the things that we know impede us and slow our growth are the things that we have to get through and have to no longer believe in order to continually evolve as we are meant to…well, those things, those issues, those ways of being would cease to be an issue or a way of being and would still be those things but those things would become options for us to choose instead of things that we have to evolve and grow from.

Essentially this means that we have to understand that the things that we have grown comfortable with, the things that we thought we could depend on and the things that we thought would always be there and be a given, just as we evolve, also evolve, and when those things evolve we experience growth.

The growth that we experience shows up in our lives as pain, as things that make our daily living a pain in the ass, are things that get up in our faces, make us feel like a useless turd and make us question everything that we think we know is the truth of us when in reality, there is so very much more than what we think is there.

We think we are nothing, but really, we are everything in the world and more. We think we are failing in life, but what we are actually seeing in front of us dressed up as failure is actually an opportunity dressed up as such. When we think we are losing anything at all, we have to bother with the question of “what is it that I am being shown and why?”

What shows up as a challenge is actually there to show us what we do not need anymore…or simply just does not fit in the manner that it once did…

…or that needs to be applied elsewhere, even though essentially, elsewhere could mean applying it to something that we would rather do than something that we have convinced ourselves that we have to do.

What this means…well…it means a lot. When things mean a lot, you know I have a story to tell you…so, here we go…

Once Upon a Time…

At one point in my life, I wanted to be a professional dancer. I had my sights set on the New York City Rockettes. At another point, I wanted to be a licensed mental health therapist. Yet, all the while, I knew, deep in the bones of my soul, that neither of these things were going to happen, for the simple fact that I was not meant for these two things.

While it is that technically I did grow up to become both a dancer and someone in the counseling trades, I am not, have never been a New York City Rockette, and even though I have a college degree and though I am very good at what I do, I am not technically the sort of therapist whose name is preceded by and neither titled “Dr.” anything.

Yet, this does not mean that I did not grow up to be just those two exact things – a dancer, and somewhat of a counselor, titled by the letters “Rev,” and no letters following my last name with “PhD.”

That I am one and not the other is one thing, but that the reason that many “professionals” in any industry at all fail to see anything other than what is my label placed there in any manner by anyone at all is quite another.

What most folks don’t realize is that it is never a title that makes anyone good at what they do, but rather and only their track record, and yes, who they really, truly, essentially are in terms of being a human being type person.

Yet, even the track record being anything at all meaningful with what it is that any one of us does with our time and our talent becomes irrelevant when the time is upon us that we must grow, that we must look toward who we are versus who we have been told we are, who we have assumed that we are, who we think we are, even when the outer signs and clues continually tell us that change is happening, is upon us, is going to happen, with us, for us and by us, and we are not aware that this is what is called waking up in the spiritual sense.

Waking up in the Spiritual Sense

The entire human population of this planet is evolving and for the very life of us, too many of us are not catching on to the idea that this is going to happen and it is going to happen to us all, even if we want to believe that we can fight it and that it is going to happen to us all namely if we are seekers of truth.

Seekers of truth are those of us who are not thinking about all of these things that we are each going through in terms of our having asked for something better, different, more attuned to who we are. For years all I wanted to do was to prove to people that I was talented and smart, that I could do the things that I said I could and more, and more than much else, I really and only wanted people to take me seriously.

No one really took me seriously, and to this day, no one really does unless they are part of my daily awareness. It may well have to do with the idea that I am quite an outgoing personality, not bothered by what a whole lot of people think of me anymore. I really only care that the things that I do in this world are the things that I am meant to do, that I am supposed to be doing, that I was born to do and that none of it does anyone in my world and who had any part of my world for a very long time can still not understand me.

But, anymore now, I am more likened to accept that there are people on this planet who will not ever understand me, who will never ever be able to wrap their heads around the work that I do and more than that, they don’t want to, and really, I am not in any position to try to make it clearer to them who and what I am.

Apparently, they have been ignoring it for as long as they have for the purpose of not having to understand me so as to not bother the truth that they have taken as their own.

This is all fine and good.

The reason that I wrote all of that is because I needed to write all of this part now – whenever it is that there seems absolutely no way out of something, this is when it is wise to think about everything that has transpired in our lives to this point and see there, through our own recount of events, the things that are tying together all of the other things that might not be telling any of us what is in store for us next.

This means that, when I thought I wanted to be a Rockette specifically, it was that I was being told by my soul that one day, part of my own life, in a professional manner, would have something to do with art and movement.

When I thought I wanted to be a shrink, it was actually that I was being told that somehow, I would be in the trades of helping people with the way that they think,so that they can modify their thoughts to accommodate who they are, while still living somewhat the life that they are building, so that one day they can live the life that they have been building from the ground up for the majority time they have been in this lifetime and in this shell of a body.

I know, I know…it seems hard to believe that all of this time, you have been doing what it is that you do, not thinking in terms that maybe what you do is not conducive to who you are growing to become, and all the while, every one of us worried, fretted, thought the worst, including me. (I AM comprised of flesh and blood, people, even as we are all and also comprised of the moon, the stars and the universe…)

It is hard to believe that the things we have done for years no longer serve us, and if they do, they’re no longer what they were for us, meaning that, again, those things are evolving.

It is hard to believe that when we each and all asked for a better life, that while we went through and a whole lot of us are right in the middle of the turmoil, that we would not also think that we would have to deal with these sorts of frustrations.

It is hard to believe that when we are preparing for our highest and best life possible, that we end up having to see, go through, feel, know the things that we would rather not.

We have to learn the things that we would rather not, so that when the things that we would rather know finally make its way to us, we will know without a doubt that what it is that we are building toward, and what it is that we used to have as part of our awareness of our very truest selves, we would also know that we have learned a whole lot, that we have had the things that we wanted all along and that no matter what, we would have had to also experience the things that we have so that we would know the difference.

The difference between what, you might want to know?

The difference between what it is that is the very essence, the very song and the very energy of your Soul, and what, essentially, it was that you have been doing all this time in order to know what it is that is NOT…and this is what is known, what folks who work in the weird have been calling and telling people without outright telling them they are doing, that everywhere, even as much as it sucks and is very, very nerve racking and scary…waking up to one’s own higher self, so as to one day wake to being the epitome of one’s own highest and best self.

You have been waking up and finding out who you are for real.

Who you are for real is not contained within a label, not contained within anything that any one of us does, and is only and will always only remain in the idea that all along, we all know and knew what it is that we are meant for, and it is nothing short of brilliance and greatness.

I Promise…

I Love You All !

ROX

BLOG MEME FOR JUSTROX hula shoot

 

 

 


Things Unsaid

When learning things regarding our lessons, there are things that cannot be said for the simple reason that if it is said, it cannot be learned. 

When I started college, my initial “thing” was to study Behavioral Science so that when I chose to grow up into the teacher that I did not know I was meant to be (and that is SO not what I imagined it to be), I would be able to not only help other people retrain their brain to think right (and thereby act right), but more, I would be able to stand in front of a gallery of young college students and teach them what I know about our behavior and why we are so prone to trippin’ out all the time over things that we ought not be trippin’ about.

It didn’t happen that way.

I had NO CLUE that, indeed, I was meant to become a teacher of things, but not of things contained in actual academic texts, and neither of things, at least in the manner of speaking in terms and about things…academic…but rather and only in terms of bigger, more important things…things like daily walking the healing Path, and daily living a Spiritually led life. Little did I know that I would be able to use what I know and what I learned in college to further the actual teaching that I would do, which is not just right here every week, but out in the real world of souls which, in case none of you have looked at things in the manner that I constantly look at them, not everyone is going to end up in college, and not everyone is going to be able to discern for themselves what it is that is their “trip” in terms of what they’re trippin’ on.

Teaching People How Not To Be Trippin’

My work in this world became evident to me a couple of years ago, when I was on the phone at one point with the lovely April, and then at another point, the equally as lovely Dannie. One of them said that hula would be mine forever, but that it was not going to be what it had always been for me but would become SO much more than what ANY Kumu Hula could imagine, and she was right. The other said that if I thought that everything I knew at that point, and now, everything I know plus everything that I employ daily as a means for helping others learn, was meant to be contained and locked within the confines of the conventional classroom, I had another thing comin’ (yeah yeah shut up…I love my leather clad mahus…get over it lol).

Where one told me that I would never stop dancing OR teaching hula, the other told me that it would be through not only what I’d learned in college, but more, what I’d learned through all the crap that I had gone through for so long and that seemed normal to me. Even though I knew that the things that I had been witness to, things that I had experienced in my life even to that point, in my mid-30’s, were some of the most … horrific experiences… in terms of emotional toll taken, when it was that I was told these things and because of all of the things that shook my very core and shook the trust in others right out of me, I knew that I could trust my two best friends. I knew that I could trust them because they’d both been telling me things, sometimes outright, and sometimes in a veil of mystery.

A Veil of Mystery

*Clears Throat* …ahem…students…welcome to class today. This part of this writing is addressing those who I am actively teaching, those who are feeling like they are at their wit’s ends with my telling you each that the things that you want to know, versus the things that you need to know, combined with the things that I know and the things that I cannot tell you are what this is all about today.

Yep…don’t I know it? I know that many of you cannot stand the idea that there have been more than only a few times that I have said to the each of you that the thing that you are asking me to tell you is the very thing that you are learning about and that because you are learning that one thing, I am not able to tell you what you want to know that you already know that I do know, and you know that I know because I told you that I know.

And indeed, I have a problem with this one thing, too, and yes, my own teachers, to this day, STILL tell me the VERY SAME THINGS that I tell all of you – that if I knew I could tell you what it is that you are meant to be learning, I would. If I knew that what you are learning was something that I would not have to reexperience myself, that I would have to go through again, that I would have to deal with even though I had already gone through it, I would. If I knew that you were not as close as you are to where you are meant to be with this one thing, I might give you a hint, but I cannot just tell you what it is that you want to know because of one thing…

One Thing…

Yes, you read that right – if I tell you what you have asked me to tell you, have had a tantrum over not knowing and have told me that you don’t care if you have to learn it and that you will learn it and use the information that I give you as Cliff notes, not only will I have to relearn that same lesson but not for the same reasons that you, yourself, are learning it, but it will likely suck for me way, way more than it did the first time because – yes, I’ve already been there, I’ve already done that, and in sharing my cheat sheet with anyone at all, it is like my telling Spirit that I need to retake the test.

Think about when you were in high school and that one teacher with a hard on for NOT telling any of us what we wanted to know and realize that this is the very same thing, only it is not a grade you are working toward to get out of high school, but rather and only the armor needed to get through the next lesson you will learn in relation to the one that you are learning and that I cannot tell you what you want me to tell you.

The reason that we are met with difficulties in our lives, and the reason that things seem to come crashing down onto us at the most inconvenient times in our lives, and the reason that you secretly will wish my brain to collapse, dry, shrivel up into a walnut in my skull is so that we can master that part of our lives. Unlike the grading scale in conventional school and typical learning, being taught to navigate your life from the Soul out, and more – mastering it all – is hands on. This means that you don’t get to have a book, and you don’t get to have extra credit, and nothing that is familiar to you in terms of how you have learned things in the manner that is learning in the traditional sense – none of that will be of any good purpose for you when it comes to lessons in coping, lessons in growing, in acceptance, in Loving who you are. And really, THAT is what it is that seems to be SO difficult about all of this weirdness that you are all learning, not only about me, but more importantly, about you.

The reality is that in this lifetime we need some sort of guidance, some of us more than others, but not because some of us are more duh than others, but because all of us are learning something different at the same time. What I am learning is not what you are learning, but this does not mean that there is not anyone else on the planet or even within my own awareness who is also not learning the same thing, perhaps, as any one of us would be at any given time at at all.

The Karmic Thing About Teaching

Yes…there’s that word that you all love to hate – Karma, Karmic, whatever – and you hate it because every time I use it, you KNOW that there is something that you are going to learn whether you want to or not, and that what you are learning, I already know about, and that I am not able to tell you how to get out of. It just has to be done and I cannot tell you because really, if I tell you what you are learning about, I will have to go through that lesson of NOT telling you.

It is like when a mother is teaching her kid to behave – at first, we might tell that kid about what they are doing that is not okay to do, and then when they do it again and again, we want to trip out on them and tell them how to do that one thing that we know will keep them out of the spot they are in at the moment. Yet, every parent knows that the kid will not listen, will not do what he or she has been told will get them out of the spot they’re in. Most parents will go out of their minds about that one thing, will try, over and over again to get that kid to do things they need to do in order to get out of that spot.

In the same manner, students of many different spiritual paths will end up that same way. I know this. I was this student and more times than not am still this student, and like a rock-headed human being, I have a snit, and I beg and plead and ask and to no avail – still, I must learn, and still, my teachers, like I will not, do not budge.

So, kiddos, that is why I cannot tell you more than I tell you, why I will not allow you, as my charge, to not learn, because that is my place in your life – teacher. And I am a damned good one. I was told so…by my own teachers…and yep, haha….it was one of those things that I was not allowed to be told and that I had to learn…

I Love You All !

ROX

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Impatience

Impatience. It is that thing that irritates us all. We are more inclined to want to believe that our impatience is because someone else made us be that way. This is not the truth. We are impatient because we know that better things await us…far better than what we are seeing to right this moment. 

I will be the last person to tell anyone else that they need to be patient. I mean, I will state now that I have been known to tell others, mainly coaching clients, that it would pay off a bit if they could garner the energy that is patience.  And if you think for a moment that I do not listen to myself and apply what I tell anyone who I am teaching anything, you have another thing coming, because always, before I apply anything that I am teaching, I try it out first – you cannot know if something will work or even be part of another’s healing if you, as a healer, are not personally aware of the outcome. I am one of those healers who, no matter what I am teaching anyone at all, truly knows what I am teaching people and it is because I always try before I have anyone else apply what it is that I am offering them as a method of self-healing.

However, I do have the tendency to grow into a very impatient person when it seems that things are not doing what they are supposed to be doing, and more, when it feels like I am doing a whole lot for anyone who is just NOT getting it in terms of learning. That is where I am right now, with myself, because apparently I have not yet learned to be fearless when it comes to doing things that I just would rather not do. I am like every other human being on the planet – I want things to be easier for me, and really, I have the right to want that, because I know that my whole life to this point, no matter who thinks or says what, I have had a hard time with a lot of things. My life has been a struggle. Emotionally. The thing that I know will make it be less of a struggle is what I am having a hard time with right now, even though I know…KNOW…that once it is that I do what I have to do, that struggle will be over with.

Yet, still, I am impatient and more than that, I am, in a manner that I do not understand, afraid to do this one thing. There are other options, but they are as appealing as this one thing. The difference between all those options and this one thing?

This one thing guarantees that, in the physical sense, I will be freed, permanently, from the last thing that is keeping me, at least in my opinion, from a lot more good things that are already in place. And it is fucking with my patience, everyday, and more, it will, if I do not do SOMETHING soon, begin fucking with my physical health, and hell no I don’t want that…but, there is that thing…that fear of the unknown…it is there because my whole life I have only had the instance of being told that something bad will happen if I do something as selfish as this one thing. I know I am not selfish. I know that I am not bad, but given everything already, with very few (but VERY VERY IMPORTANT) other happenings in place that have caused me to think about what is more important? My level of impatience at this moment, or the idea that doing that one thing will make things (I want to believe) a whole LOT better…because the balance, the pono, will be restored.

This is not my saying that I am always impatient. It is rather and only my saying that there are things that are …I don’t know what to call it all or describe it all as…making me want for the things that are already here, that I know are on their way to me, and all of them are great things. The thing that I believe is making me very impatient right this moment is that I know what I know, in the sixth sense kind of way, and I can see it all, feel it all, sense all of it, and every bit of it makes me giddy with excitement akin to that of a school girl.

Then there is the other side of that giddiness – the side that tells me and that inner school girl that there are still dishes to wash, beds to be made, people to see off to wherever it is that they are intended to go and to be, and all of it is going to take my working on it all, because all of it directly affects me and my life, and most of all, my level of patience, and, as well, my level of fairness in terms of what others need from me as a healer.

And really, I am very well aware of the fact that I indeed need to take a day off from other people and pay attention to me more, because none of this impatience with other people will ever go where it is meant to if I am sitting here ALWAYS doing my work in the world and never taking a break from it, even for one day. This is not my saying that I do not take breaks. It is more like me saying that it is time that I and quite possibly many others like me to start looking at ourselves and seeing there why it is that at this moment, a collective of us are brewing in a shit-pot of impatience, and a lot of us are looking at what everyone else is having materialize in their lives and the majority of us are like those kids at our own birthday parties being made to wait for a piece of cake that was made for us, because it is our day, and we are being made to wait, or so it seems, for everyone else to get theirs. When we finally get ours, we are able to drink our cake that was made for our day…through a fucking straw, which disappoints us and makes us impatient for better things…and it can go on and on like this for weeks at a time.

Sometimes, at the end of those long, dragged out weeks, and after a lot of working with people who we wouldn’t even really have much to do with if they didn’t need our help, we find ourselves drained and wanting for more of the things that as healers, we totally need, and right now, in my own life, I am aware of what it is that I need exactly, and more than that, I know very dearly and completely what it is that I no longer need and what is taking what seems like forever for those things, ways of being, situations and yes, people, to no longer be here.

And really…the ONLY thing that I continually ask is NOT when it is gonna be over with, but why it feels like whatever I was meant to learn has been learned, and that the thing that is making this drag on and on is indeed me and my fear of doing things the way that I know I should do them.

Doing things the way that I know I should do them has not been done because of one thing – I am scared to death of creating a Karmic energy that I cannot reverse.

Yet, I am not sure what I am more afraid of – that the Karma could be created through the balance that is needed, or that deep down inside of my soul I will have to live with what it is that I know that I HAD TO do, and still have to do, but the unknown part is what keeps me at bay. Being kept at bay, for someone like me – someone who actually LIKES to get things done so that they do not have to be dealt with any longer – causes me a whole LOT of impatience.

It gets tiring, in the manner that is almost like dragging a dead weight behind me, a weight that is strapped to me with a vice grip of knots, and then I, in that vision, look down and realize that the weights are not actually tied to me, physically, but that they are tied to the belt loops on the jeans that I am wearing when I have this vision.

The thing is that indeed, I know that I could break free of this…weightedness…but the way that I have to do so could cause me to be exposed to things that, with my pants proverbially down, could really be not that great. Yes, I know…the pants down thing is temporary, but if most folks know how many times I have had to suffer the embarrassments that I have had to in the past, have had to endure with my soul exposed like it has been, you might also understand why it is that these days, there are not a lot of people who I trust when I am in the middle of this energy where it seems that my choices for gettin’ things done are…ugh…and ugh-er, and I am just as far past done with so many things that, in choosing to NOT do what I have been afraid to do for a long time…well, it seems like all I am really doing is running in circles that have only purpose in terms of keeping me at bay longer.

Running in circles, the only thing we get is dizzy

Sometimes, I know that I feel like the only thing that I am doing is running around, again and again, in circle after circle, only to end up right here, like I am right now, feeling like this is it for me…the grand un-pleasurable experience that is being made to wait for things that you know are meant to be, not only the way that you want them to be, but also the very way that you have been shown, through your own visions and with the help of some deep, dear meditation, what awaits.

Yet, when does the time come when we are no longer waiting for whatever it is that we are being taught is finally learned? When does it seem as though somehow, the reason that we are running in circles is not because of anything other than being scared that what we do will cause things to become harder in the long run for us.

We could end up very dizzy, and not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense, and when that happens there are so many ways, due to the energies that we emit, that in our thoughts there will be the one thing that we ignore, the one thing that we know we have to do, and the one thing that we have to trust, even though we cannot call what will happen should we do what we know we ought to and want to, is ourselves. Instead, we trust the karmic return on what we know we needed as being stronger than the reason that we know we need what it is that we need, what it is that we know is making us impatient and most of all, what it is that is making us so not be who we really are.

Impatience with a situation will certainly make a person not be their best highest selves

Perhaps I am here today having the biggest, yet quietest, tantrum that I have had in a very long time, but to say the very least, I believe that once in a while, we are all permitted, even expected, to have them. I am frustrated, really, with the idea that maybe what I am dealing with is NOT only the physical reality, but more like maybe something on the other side of the veil perhaps is playing with me, daring me to do things and fail in my trying to not do things the way that I have done in the past, because in the past things were done without a lot of thought, without a lot of concern for things that could happen.

So, I suppose today’s blog is more like me telling you that when it comes to things that we know we need, things like patience, things that will make things better for everyone involved, and we know that this is the truth, and the thing that stops us in our tracks is something that we also know is the truth, it is of tantamount importance that we weigh what means more to us.

I am not one who does not know what is and is not important to me or my life. Yet, it is the unknown part of all of this, the outcome, essentially, which, on one end it is needed because in doing what I need to do, what I want to do, what I may well have to do, it will cause more than only myself to be at peace and to live at a level that I am meant to. On the other hand, I also know that this is a lesson in no longer fearing what I should not, which is the power that I have been gifted with to make things pono.

I would like to know about some of your own experiences with impatience and feeling the weight of a decision that must be made in the manner that you know it has to be, and then going ahead and making the right decision for everyone involved. Feel free to comment…just be nice when you do

As far as this choice I have to make?

I’ll let you all know next week when I write the next post of #TheManaoBlog

Until then….I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

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