In all of life there are many tangible things which can be repaired, but only one intangible thing is almost impossible to repair once it is shattered. That one thing is Trust.
We are not born trusting others. At the time of our birth, we are not but as primal as is any other creature in all of mammalia. We are, essentially, just like the creatures of the forest and of the jungle – we are animals. We have to be taught trust, just like we have to be taught anything at all. We must have evidence that there is a reason to trust, or to not trust, and through it all, we have to still live in the outer world. No one knows what it is like to have that trust breached until it happens, and then the rest of our awareness becomes tainted with mistrust. We begin to question our own thoughts, and our own validity in so far as who we are and what it is that we need, from others, and more, from ourselves.
If there is one thing that I have a hard time dealing with that is mine alone to deal with, it is being able to trust others not to hurt me, being able to take them on their word that who I am matters. This is not something that just happened to me overnight. It took the almost entire 44 years that I have been on this planet for me to garner the energy that is mistrust. Yet, that mistrust, over the years, has served me very well, namely lately, when there is so, so much happening in my life, and all of what is happening is good. Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I have a hard time thinking, sometimes, that other people do not have my best interests at heart, at least as much as I know I have theirs, and sometimes, it very dearly hurts me to my core.
And it is in the core middle of us all where this resides, this energy of mistrust, the memories that caused it all to solidify, and the things that hurt us, still. Trust is hard, make no mistake, and any more now, lots and lots of us are breaking out of that mistrusting energy, and it is because we have been also given the evidence of what is not trust versus what is our truth.
Let’s look at the energy that is trust for a moment, shall we? There are a million and one things in this lifetime that would cause us to mistrust anyone at all, just as much as there is a whole lot of evidence that would tell us that we can trust certain things and people and energies. My own issues with trusting other people not to hurt me comes from a lifetime of my being hurt by others. It is not their fault. They don’t know, and didn’t know, at least a lot of them, that I hurt so badly. There were those few, though, who knew what they were doing, who knew just how to make me hurt, make me cry and make me ultimately not trust them. I still don’t trust them. I cannot trust a person who willingly hurts me, and I will not trust a person who is malicious enough to make that hurt substantial, and all of it, mind you, has been substantial.
My trust issues stem from a lifetime of being emotionally abandoned by people who were significant in my life. Whether it was a caretaker, or a relative, or the person who fathered my children, it didn’t matter when the time came and they proved themselves as being untrustworthy. Being able to trust someone is tantamount in any kind of relationship. Being able to depend on others to live up to everything they tell us that they will do is a rarity anymore. Too many of us want to speak our truth, but we don’t want to know how that truth is going to affect someone else. We expect people to take us for our word, and then some of us do everything doable to push the line and break that trust, just to see how far we can go with our own garbage.
It bothers me a lot that too many people still want to say things to make people feel better for the moment, but when proving time comes and we want them to live up to their words, they have every excuse as to why it is that they cannot, will not, and may never be able to. People tend to bite off more than they can chew, namely where matters of the heart are concerned. Matters of the heart seem to be the one place in life that people fail others, miserably. I have been told many times that I cannot produce enough results for certain others to trust my words. Then when I come through with exactly what I said I would, it is still not enough and at that point it is an automatic thing for me to do what I can to make what I said I would do happen. I do so, not to please them, but because my level of integrity is what it is, and in my world, it is one of the most important traits that anyone who I share my world with has got to have. Period. Yes, I expect at least as much as I offer…again…period.
Every abuse survivor knows this energy, the energy that is feeling like we have to prove ourselves to even the most unworthiest of people. Every one of us knows what it feels like to know that we are telling the truth, to know that whatever it is that we have promised that we are doing our very highest best to get done, and all it takes is one douchey person to crush that energy within us. You can sit there and tell me all you want that it is the other person, and while I will know this to be the fact and the truth, it will not make me think otherwise about me and my efforts. I am always going to, until I have learned to stop trying harder, try harder, and it is not because of someone else needing that instance of my own evidence brought to them to prove that I am every bit as trustworthy as I tell and prove to anyone else that I am. It is because I am me.
I hate second guessing myself, but when a person has been met, told, experienced nothing but the disappointment in outcome by others after what could be thought, sometimes, as a herculean effort to make others see who I am for real and that what it is that I say and do for anyone is golden. On the other side of that is the person who may or may not have realized that this is what I will do, that I will second guess myself and it is not because of anything that they did directly but rather and only the energies produced by whatever it was that was happening at the time, perhaps in their lives, or my own life, or a mixture of both.
Then there are those people who, for whatever reason they may have, do things to test us, who try hard to make things difficult for us, just because they can, and just because they, themselves, hurt so much. Pain is the indicator that a violation has occurred, and pain is the thing that all of us are trying to not have to deal with, yet deal with it we must. I know emotional pain, so well, in fact, that I have turned the utilization of that pain to teach others how to heal their own lives from the emotional pains they have suffered. Pain is the indelible marker for where we have been. It is the thing which, unlike a goal towards which we propel our very selves, makes us run and want to hide from the world. I have experienced so much emotional pain throughout the course of this lifetime that in this lifetime I chose to turn it into my work in the world.
I did it- my pain – because I can trust my pain to be the realness that I have been told that I have within me. I do what I do in the world and in my line of work because I am an expert on not only how we end up with the pain that has been served up to us on a tarnished silver platter, but more, how we can, right this moment, use that energy to heal ourselves and take us to the next level of awareness.
This is what mistrust by others and given to others can do for us – it can make us see ourselves for real. There are not a lot of people who know or accept just exactly the realness of who I am, of where I have been in this lifetime, and what I have been through. There are very few people who know the depth of who I am and even fewer who I know I can trust with me. It took me a whole lot of time to get to where I am right now emotionally, and still, it is not enough to reverse the energy that is mistrust for others and their motives. I always think that people are trying to get the best of me, and when I think that way, it becomes my truth. This is not the truth that I like wearing. It is simply due to the tattered pieces of what was once my reality, and the evidence that people like hurting others, because that is where their own misguided power lies – in that ability to make life hard in an emotional and spiritual sense for someone else.
This starts when we are children. When we are promised by the adults in our lives that we are going to have something, that they are going to provide both tangibles and intangibles for us that we can count on. When a child is told one thing and that one thing is not clearly stated as to what it will be, automatically we are thrust into a place within where we are not sure of ourselves, because someone else made sure to it that, even as we are so dependent on them for everything, they did not care enough to make sure to it that their words are made truth for that kid. As time passes, and those promises and words broken continue to happen, those things that creepy people bring to our lives are reinforced by it all.
People wonder why it is that I have a hard time with the words of others, and I shouldn’t, but I am willing to admit that I do. It is, because of all of the things that have been a part of my own awareness and all of the crap that I have had to endure, and everything else that constitutes as being the daily living of humans, difficult for me to allow others into my privacy of my Soul.
Yet, when I do, it is because they have proved themselves to me, have proved that how I feel means something, and it means that they have an empathetic part of them that understands what it is like to have trusted people with themselves and their very core being, and have been able to get through it unscathed, even though the memories may well be the thing that broke them, as well.
I trust that peoples’ reactions and responses to what I put forth are their truth. However, I have a hard time with people telling me that I am somehow the reason why anything will befall them, as if I have that kind of power or control over what it is that they are thinking. I tend to cling to the bad things I have told, the things that others have responded to me with that cut me to the core, and it is because other people are not very sure of my own intentions, and my own intentions are not what they are thinking they are. When I say that I don’t need help, I mean I do not need it. When I am merely stating something, it is just a statement. If it is my intent to hurt someone, it isn’t as though I say nothing about it – I am not afraid to tell others how I feel, and I am not scared to let them know when they have offended my soul. It doesn’t happen much, and most of the time it comes from someone who means something to me, the infraction of the soul that is unbeknownst to them.
Most of the time, it is nothing against me. Most of the time it is their own fear of my abandoning them, and most of the time, as it would be for me with them, I, too, am scared to death of being emotionally abandoned, of being rejected, of just plain old not being good enough. This is the truth that I was given my whole life, and is the truth which daily I find myself figuring out is not the truth, that it was the truth of many people who just figured that I was a little kid, that I would grow out of the hurts and the heartaches, and that one day I might be able to grow from it all.
Trust. It is the most intangible thing on the planet, and is what we need to be able to have with and for other people. If we have no trust, and we cannot trust the reactions that others have with and for us, and we cannot feel safe in the idea that we are loved wholly and completely by others, then, too, we cannot also believe that we, ourselves, are trusting who we are enough to be able to know what is our truth and discern what is not our truth that could be that of others’. It is when we deny who we are with ourselves that this becomes a problem. I know who I am, to me and in my life, and I know who I am to others and in their lives. Now, the bitch of it all will be no longer allowing what was someone else’s truth of me from a time in the past where, really, it was not my fault, and it was surely not my problem, because adults in the lives of children can be the worst perpetrators of mistrust on the planet and in our close relations.
I know that I can trust the people who mean the most to me. I know they have my best interests at heart. Sometimes, those people pay the toll for those who have hurt me and continue to try to hurt me, but it’s all good…I lived through them, and I will continue to do so, and more, because so is the nature of life on this planet with other humans. Humans can be assholes, make no mistake, but all of us with eyes in our heads to read these words have been there, have even done that in terms of being the asshole.
Sometimes, the most appropriate reaction is a response, not to anyone else, but to and for ourselves. And really, this is something that all of us needs to practice…not furthering the mistrust within us, but learning to discern who is hurting us purposely, and who is not. I know who is trying to hurt me, at all times.
More than that, I also know who is not.
I will state right now that I have learned, and have learned well, what it is to hurt, and I will state right now that indeed, I do know what it is to take that hurt and all that is entailed within it, and have turned it into something that can only make me better as time passes by. I know that along my own path that I will end up being hurt, and that I will suffer more losses, and that, too, I will be lied to, but this does not mean that I am going to revert to living in the truth that may well actually be someone else’s truth about me. They are fine and good to have that truth.
…because I will always have mine…just like you, too, will always have what is your own absolute and beautiful truth that is yours.
I Love You All