Tag Archives: Person

It doesn’t even matter


The things which we no longer have are the things which no longer matter. The hurt which remains is there to teach you something about you.

“I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.” (Linkin Park’s “In the End”)

I lost my house in Helendale in July of 2008. While it hurt a bit, I cannot lie and say that the world was over with for me, because it wasn’t. I realized quite early on afterwards that it was meant to be like this. It was meant that I would no longer be in that place for the purpose of my having to begin the process of shedding what was once real to me.

What was once real to me was not for me to become very attached to, because in becoming attached to it all, I would suffer the worst hurt ever, which would be the stinging blows to the pride within me that would tell me that somehow, I deserved to lose everything that I thought mattered to me. And again, I cannot lie – the house, while it mattered to me a little bit, the idea that I lived where I lived mattered to me a whole lot.

Where I lived was a huge source of pride for me, but here I am, years later, and I realize that what was the source of pride was not what I thought it was, but rather and only the illusion of what was, versus what it became. What it became was a monster of proportions so huge and so…untamed…that for at least one person who used to live in that house, the loss of it was something that they’d felt on levels that not a lot of people would feel if they were not so attached to that tangible item.

And really, that is truly what any actual standing building that a person or a group of people would live inside of and call home. It is not the actual building, but what it represents. For me, the house represented a place where memories would be made, with neighbors who were some of the most pleasant people I had ever known.

Yet, here I am, seven years later, almost, and things have changed markedly.

I no longer care about the house that I no longer owed a lot of money on. The only memories that I have of that place that can be called good and real are the ones of my kids, of my hula halau, of the treasure called friends who, when I thought about it, are two of the very best people I know and two people who I love immensely. While I no longer own all the vehicles, no longer have access to the golf course, the lakes, I have what can never be taken from me.

I have me.

I have this me.

Losing something as big as the family home is not something that I hadn’t been through at least once in my lifetime, and that is probably why I was okay the day that I have to pack up my entire house, without the help of certain others, and leave that life behind. The reason that life had to be left behind and the reason why that life and the loss of it no longer matters is because even in all of that loss, the one thing that was gained by me was not just “this me.”

I gained, through the losses, the reality of two people who, no matter what, have always been there for me (Hi April…Hi Tim…I Love You Guys!) Through that loss, I regained and revived and recreated hula to become what, for me and a lot of people like me, it was meant to be, which is not a Polynesian review show, but medicine. I gained, through that hurt, a new lesson to work through and to turn into The Sisterhood of The Soul, and through that group of healer women who are also my cousins, have created what is the beginning of things as they ought to be.

And that is not the only loss that I gained from, really. I gained the bravery to confront my abuser, to tell him that we are done and that within but a very short time here now, it will be on paper. I gained the knowledge that even as I have been the very one to have to learn to heal me, without the hurt of feeling like my own blood relations skipped out on me when things got to be really too much for me to deal with, I gained the right to call myself a strong, Stand Alone Human Being.  This does not mean they all skipped, because the ones who mattered the most never did. It just seemed that way at times.

Seriously…in the end, it doesn’t even matter

When we are able to get past the hurt, and when we are able to look at the dragons which once invaded our waking life and our sleeping dreams, and when we can see things from a new perspective, this is when things that we thought mattered no longer matter as much. It is when we realize that we have learned what we are meant to learn from any given situation that our lives will begin to blossom.

For instance, not too long ago, I was very upset with my parents, and it was over something that was a source of pride for me. I won’t go on with what it was all about. I will just state here that the last time that hurt visited me was yesterday, and when I say the last time, I mean exactly that.

I mean that no matter what it is that I want to do for them or for anyone else, the one person who I need to do the most for is me. This is not my telling anyone that you have to be selfish, because being selfish is very counterproductive.

What I mean is that, once we let go of the grip that we have on certain ideals, on certain things that we think we have to have be a certain way, on things that we believed mattered for so long and which really do not matter in the manner that they once mattered, we are, at that point, in a stage of growth. The sooner that we really wrap our heads around this, and the sooner that we accept this one thing, the sooner we will find out the reason that we hurt for so long.

Vice Grip

Lots of us like to have a vice-grip on things that we ought to not have said grip on. When we choose the energy onto which we will hang we have to remember that there are good reasons to hang onto it, and then there are all the other reasons. 

We each have our own reason for hanging on to the energy, or, on the other side of that, allowing the energy to have its vice-grip on us.

There are times when this grip is welcomed, when it is needed and when it is pleasant, and then there are all the other times.

There are times when it is that we do not want the vice-grip loosened, when we would rather bathe our own selves in that energy because it is so very welcoming and so very…much a part of us…that to release it would cause our own energy field a whole lot of havoc…then, there are all those other times.

It is all those other times that we need to help ourselves understand why it is that we want to believe that we are meant to hang onto it.

Recently, one of those two very good friends ended his own struggle with a vice-grip energy that was not an energy that would have helped him grow into the person who he is becoming. It took us months to realize that what he was seeking had been so easily attained that once it was that he was able to allow this vice-grip to no longer have him in that bind of hurt, things just seemed to be much lighter for him. He’d have never made it through the same lesson one more time. It would have wrecked him for the rest of his life in many more ways than only one.

On my part and in my life, even as there is a very lovely vice-grip energy that I am lucky to have whenever I can get it, there is the other side of that, which is the side and the thing which prompted this writing today.

Too many teachers of the Divine seem not to tell their charges that things will be harsh before they are not, and the harshest lessons of all are the ones which come from the people who have been in our lives for years and years. On my part of all of this other side of the energy stuff, my biggest challenge over the course of my life has been trying hard to get my blood relations, at least a lot of them, to take me seriously, to have some semblance of respect for at least how I feel, let alone who and what I am, and to take some measure of self-control when speaking of things that at one time meant something to me and which, at this time, I realize, don’t even matter to me as much as I thought it all did.

Why? Because I know that I am not meant for those things, at all, and until I woke up this morning, it did not dawn on me that what I was being taught has been learned, and that what I did not want to accept was accepted a long time ago in that, I am a healer, a writer, a scientist, a spiritualist…and no where in all of those things does anyone read the word “marketing person.”

Even though that is what I used to be, and in some ways still am (someone has to promote me and my girls…we do fine doin’ it all on our own), in that capacity, the one that I started out with their offerings, I am no longer.

That me no longer fits this me’s life and this me’s needs and this me needs things to be a lot more organized for this me to be satisfied with life in that respect. This does not mean that I have no respect for what this set of people are doing. It means that I no longer have to voluntarily obligate me…this me…to their bidding, even as I easily and readily lend myself to their success.

That You is not This You

You know very well that not one of us, at least not without the help of someone experienced in past life regression, can go back in time, at least not for real. We can visit there, and we can take a few moments there, but you have got to admit that even though right now, for myself included and to a limited extent, might suck beyond all which else that sucks, you have to admit that you would so much rather be this version of you than that other you.

That other you was weak in many areas of your own life, and that other you was someone who, from time to time, you did not even like very much. That you did things that this you would never dream of doing, because this you has built a wall of integrity that cannot be demolished by anyone but this you.  This you loves who you are becoming, and that old you..well, that you no longer exists.

That You no longer exists

Believe me or not, the reason that for some of us, life seems to be very difficult right now is because many people don’t realize that the reason things do not work like they once did in the past is because you are now this version of you, and this version of you cannot do things any longer that the old version of you used to do. 

That might be a little hard for you to wrap your head around, and it takes time to ease into the new you, but once it is that you have done just said such easing into things, you will find that you cannot do things like you used to do them. You will find that it is hard to fit into your old lifestyle, with the same type of people who used to be the people who you would do anything for.

You will find out that even though this you requires a little more than the old you did, once you get the hang of it, you will not look back, ever, and neither will you want to. You will learn that there are times which require you to return to pieces of that old you, but in those times you will be beside yourself with wonder because even using some of what was you, even in that instance, it is the new and improved you. 

I cannot lie – I would love nothing more than to no longer live where I am right now, but, the fact of the matter is that, the old me – she is who used to live in that big fat house on the golf course in the desert, and she is who would be hurt by the words that she is reading right now, and that me would pretend that anything else offered in the way of a new place to live would be just fine, even though that me, on the inside, would be dying a death of the ego on many levels.

This me, however, has been actively looking for that new place where new memories, with all of the right people, are going to be made, and this me, while she can be markedly impatient for good things to happen, knows, just because she is this me, that the perfect house where all of these great things will happen is just waiting to tell me that it is the right one for us. This me might be a little on the strange side (a little?), but this me loves me, and this me takes no shit from anyone when in regards to this me and what this me knows is right for me. 

In the end, our losses are meant to teach us to become the best versions of ourselves. Our pain is not meant to live on forever, and is there to make us aware that we are in need of some “me maintenance.” Our past hurts are meant to remind us that we have been through what we needed to go through in order to get to the person who we are becoming, and the people who we are each becoming are meant to go through this crap called loss, pain, hurt, all so that we can recognize what they are and more, recognize the things that are NOT meant to hurt us. 

Me and This Me need to get things moving right along for the day… please make sure that you know what is worth having a vice-grip on, and more, what you will allow to have a vice-grip on you.

I Love You All !


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How everything old becomes new again

At this time of the year, we all look forward to changes that we exact on our own. Thing is, no one realizes why it is that we yearn for change…it isn’t just what you think it is

I like saying that when life gets messy, and when we least expect it, it is also by life that we are handed a proverbial brand new piece of paper upon which to tell our new stories. You see, life is not one long boring string of events either experienced with a collective of people versus being experienced alone. Technically, we experience life on a collective level and our experiences and our opinions of those experiences are what are different.

Think about it for a minute and let it soak into your brain. Every thing that we go through, that we know, that has happened is experienced differently by every single one of us, even though there might be a whole lot of us literally looking at the same thing, at the same time – we are all going to collectively have that same experience, but at the same time, we are not. We are not because we are different than one another, even though, again, we are not.

Yup. That really is a lot to think about, and a lot to digest given that the majority of us have gravitated toward those who are most like us. In my case, it would be other weirdos, and other artistic types, and the people who seem to be misunderstood by the majority of the whole of us.  While it is that there are people in my own tribe who are going through almost the same things that I am, at the same time, what they experience and what I experience and how we each handle those things will be different.

Yet, that is not what I am here and writing about today. Today, I wanna take those things up there and tell you about how we take what we know and do with them what we will according to what bothers us. What bothers a majority of us is that there are a lot…a LOT of old ways of being, of doing, of getting where we want to get, and no one ever questions it, ever. And why? Because we have been taught another person’s ways. This is okay, by the way, because we are not born knowing what we know – we are only born with the ability to learn what it is that we will know.

The reason that we do a lot of things is out of the respect that is not really respect.

The respect that is not really respect

I think I am over all of the painful garbage that I feel like I have relived this last year. Yet this has given me a better insight into what it is that we believe we are doing when we choose to allow the growth that we have asked for. I know that I have, more than one time, heard, out of my mother’s mouth, that in order to learn anything, in order to get through anything, in order for a lot of things, we have to allow ourselves to be patient, have to let in the hurts that we do not want to let in (okay, not in those words but you know what I am saying), that we have to face what it is that ails our souls.

While it is that I know that there are bits and pieces of wisdom in those things, they are not things that I have never known, are not things that I am not aware of and are not things that I know do not need to be acknowledged. I have always known these things. These things have been drilled into my brain since I was a kid, and these are the things that are the basic and bare minimum of what it is that we need to know if we intend to make it through our lives by the seat of our souls.

The reason I brought my mom up is because I know that there is not one person on this planet who did not listen to their mother when they were a little kid. In my case, it was the fear, literally, of her jealous God, a fabricated fear of a curse that someone else said existed…fear, basically, is what has, or used to, govern every thought, every action, every damned thing in my life. I was afraid to disrespect my parents for fear that I would get “good leekenz” and more, that God would punish me and send me to hell with a quickness. I learned to respect my elders, but only because I feared them so dearly. When I got older, I started seeing things my way, the way that I had been told would send me to spend the rest of my days at Club Hades.

Fear is what governs us, whether we want to believe it or accept it – it is what brought us to where we each are right now in our lives. If I were not scared to not be able to dance hula ever again, I would never have started the hula school I started back in 2002, in the most unlikeliest place where anyone would think it would survive, and it did survive, for almost ten years.  If I were not scared to not have friends or love in my life through my soul family, I would not make sure to it that even though I have some serious crap happening in my own life right now, that I would not tell them that I am still alive and that things will be back as they were when the time and the soul of it is all back to balanced.

Fear is the thing that many people my age were raised up with, and fear, to this day, is the thing that too many of us are blocked in our lives with. Fear is why we each have a bitch to pitch, and it is not that we are afraid to not succeed, but that we are scared to death that we are as powerful as we tell everyone else that we are…everyone, that is, but the people who raised us to be who we are in the here and the Now.  It is not that they are the problem, inherently, but that what they taught us, even though it is and always was something from Love and has always been useful, at this point, some of it no longer applies because it can’t apply.

We have been through too much and have seen and experienced too much, so much so that we have other, more meaningful memories that speak to us still, that tell us that who we are is the reason that we go through specifically what it is that we do. It is like knowing for many years who it is that we are meant to be with, and suddenly, one day, that person reappears to us, out of nowhere, it seems, and it is almost as though no time has passed. Then when we come back to reality, we realize that we are married, that we have our own kids, that we might have step-kids, a spouse, and always, what we also have is the “what if?” And it is the “what if” that really makes us think that there is no chance for anything like that again.

I beg to differ, and this is where it is that “old school” meets “new thought” by the same people who were made scared to even bother with a brand new thought – us.

When old school meets the new version of us

We know that it is time to release the old way for our own way when what we have been taught really no longer makes any kind of sense to us. While they might make perfect sense on the top of things, overall, what we used to believe (old school) might apply, but most of it will not (new thought).

It is not that those rules and ways of being are no longer valid, but that they no longer, in part or in whole, apply to who we are. Those things might apply, universally, but the mechanics of that way versus our own new way, may not meet in the middle. Think about it for a minute. Just a few hours ago I spent some time on the phone with a person who I grew up with, who means a great deal to me, and with whom I share MANY awesome familial memories. The conversation was about how it is that sometimes, the things that point us in a certain way do so in order that when the time is right for us to realize in manifest everything that we have thought about and desired in our lives we would see it.

It caused the other person to pause. I could hear it in their voice – this was really and dearly something to think about. It was not that there could not be this thing that we had talked about, at least not right at this moment, that is. It was more about the fact that nothing, not even a partnership between two people, could literally last forever. It is physically impossible. Yet, it also opened up something that this person never, at least in my own opinion and given that I have known them my entire life, really had – hope.

Before I told them what I told them, it was all about “it can’t happen,” and when I gave them my thoughts about things, that picture of “it’s never going to happen because of…” changed. What I gave to them was a new thought which was spawned by the hopelessness that I am very personally aware of that is given to things that we are taught by others and that those others want people to believe, without a shadow of a doubt and without the ability toward reasoning, something to possibly look forward to.

NOW, while I told this person what I think will happen is one thing, and I know that the way that I come to this information is not fail safe because always these messages come to me in the form of pictures, words and 80’s hair band songs (quit laughing). All the while, throughout the years, when I would think about this person with whom I had given my thoughts to, when I thought about a certain thing that pertained only to this person, I would hear a song by the Scorpions, and the only thing that would happen to my thoughts at that point, before I started really studying these gifts I have, would be that I would think that this other person just really like that band. And that much is the truth – that they liked that band.

Then, after one thing happened, recently even, that one song made a lot of sense to me and voila- I no longer hear it playing over and over in my head without knowing the reason why I hear it. I know now, and to an extent I also know that I am right on it.

If  I had chosen to stay safe in the place where I believed that these were just stupid little annoyances, and did not pay attention, not only to my own thoughts, as well as the things I have been taught by new teachers in these last 7 years, I would not be who I am, and I would not be able to do these things that I do.  And all of this came from the idea that what is old school is still valuable, but it must also include what is new for us.

It is not now, nor shall it ever be “out with the old,” but…

I will say that right now, it is high time that we each thought about implementing what we have deduced from the things we have been through, and apply it to ourselves, blending together the old school with the new thought. Really, it is the only way that we, as a species, will survive with one another and without warring over trivial things.  To believe that who we are is not subject to learning and changing, not to accommodate others, but so that we can accommodate each of our singular paths and is also the same sort of thinking that would cause a person to go crazy from that very thought.

The thought that things will never change is what makes things NOT change, but the idea that with every thing that we have, everything that we have been through, and all of the lessons that we have learned throughout the very course of our collective lives is ridiculous (on the lower end of things) and really quite dangerous (on the higher end of things) and is so because of the idea that humans are not static in that people believe the things that we tell ourselves, namely when it is that we feel like nothing is ever going to change.

And all of us KNOWS better than to think that things just will not change. It is not that we know that they won’t, but that we, as a whole, have chosen to be “safer than sorry” when it comes to the things that mean the most to us. We are sick and tired of getting our hopes up only to have them crash to the ground and in to a million tiny little pieces. The thing that not one of us thinks about when it is that we are about to go into a giant tizzy fit is that right at this very moment, things are as they are, but there are other moments that are GOING TO happen, and in those moments we can think, too, that there is more to look forward to than only what we have in our midst at the present time.

At the present time it seems that collectively we are all with the sensation of having our panties in a wad, and all of us wants dearly to pull the wedgie out already.

What we are not realizing is that maybe they really are not in a wad, and that perhaps it is that we are wearing a thong????


Kinda puts it all into perspective for you, doesn’t it?

Learn to embrace the new by never allowing the old to completely be the thing that guides you.  Take what you have been taught and add it to what you have learned.

Really, this is how EVERYTHING old becomes new again.

I Love You All !




The photo depicted is the artwork of one Mr. Randy Jay Braun, also, and known and loved the world over as being “Hawai’i’s Camera Artist.”

I beg dearly to differ, because his artwork is known and loved GLOBALLY…he is EVERYONE’S Camera Artist.

The Website Address to see the rest of his gallery collection can be seen by going to www.randyjaybraun.com 


Perspective is NOT Opinion

Let us get this much officially straight, shall we? Your perspective of things makes it possible for you to form an opinion

I am about to pitch a bitch here, and what a bitch it will be! Earlier today I was told that my perspective of things is very cloudy. Of course, you all know I had to ask this person how they define the word “perspective.” The way that it was described to me sounded way more like the definition of opinion.  One of my biggest issues with other educated people is that they believe that their perspective which formed their opinion about anything is that what they think is fact, to them, IS fact, when indeed it is not FACT!

And this leads me to the real reason behind why I would want to write something about these two things today, because the two go hand in hand. In order to have an opinion about anything, a person HAS TO HAVE a perspective about it and that perspective, if it is to be at least appreciated by anyone has to be based more on the idea that one person’s education is bigger than anyone else’s, thereby making the person who knows the actual and factual meaning of these two words.

The perspective that we gain from anything is formed inside of us, but it is unable to “be” without something to perceive and to ponder. To observe things in the manner that is “with the eyes of the soul” means that we need to be able to not form an opinion, because the opinion, while it is not a mechanism of the Ego unless we let it be that way, is protected by the ego, because it is our opinion about what we see that other people get to have from us. Yes, I said it – the opinion is, when we feel like our opinion is fact and everyone else has to agree with it, largely ego-based. 

Well, really, it is the ego part of us that will compel us, merely from the opinions that we form that become a fact for and related to our personalities and our preferences. You see, much of what we think is opinion based. Think about it, let it soak in for a sec and you will see what I mean. Think about a conversation you have had recently where you and someone else had a difference of opinion, and both of you got heated over it, for no other reason than that your feelings about whatever it was that you were discussing were more in the spotlight than were the facts about the things being discussed. It is not the facts about anything that people get over excited about. It is the opinions that we each hold about those facts that make us be how we are about things.


Perspective is the medium which this Kahuna chick makes her mark on the world with, and I am very good at seeing things from all sides, making me very capable of telling people how to go about having a new perspective about anything at all.  That I do this is one thing, but the entirety of the whole does not rest on my prowess with most forms of written, bodily and verbal communication between people – it rests completely on the perception that someone else would have of the things that I do.

One person could have the perception that I really do know what I am talking about, that I may be of some sort of help to them, at least from the point of view of someone who would like to think about things more broadly.  Another person might take what I have to say or write to them the same way but also might question how I came to the eventual idea that I came up with. Yet, another person, even before I start with that person, might have had a very bad experience in the past with someone else who says that they do the thing that I do, and for that person I would have to prove a whole lot, all based on the past sins of another healer.

But you all already knew this much, that people normally will go with what they have already seen and gone through with someone else and will judge people and their motives from the last time they went through something with anyone, good or bad.  What it is that any one of us believes about anything at all is based, completely, on past experience, no matter who it was with and no matter what the outcome. This is how national brands end up being national brands, because of the perspective that anyone has with that brand.

…and when the brand fails?


It is from one’s perspective that one’s opinion will be formed. Let’s look at that national brand example for a moment.

Say you like one kind of toilet paper, and it is one that you have used for a long time. Then one day, because of something “corporate,” your same old butt-wipe is not the same beloved kind that you have always purchased and trusted. You try it a few more times, believing, or at least wanting to believe that maybe it was a batch that just did not end up the way that it always had and with great hope you venture into the discount retailer, once again, to purchase what it is that you always have, only to be let down again.

You were able, after plenty of years using that same brand, to trust on it to be what it was meant to be, to do what you knew and always believed that it would, to discern that something just was not right. Within that one tiny moment you came to the thought that what it is that you have always used and always depended upon to never change, suddenly changed, and now, even though you know it is only toilet paper, you have come to not trust that brand anymore. You know that they cut costs and because of it, you are not able to use their product anymore because it is not the same and it is not what your preference is.

Soon after, yes, over something as trivial seeming as ass-wipe, you form an opinion, and believe it or not, it may well be an opinion which is a hard one for you to accept, even as it is your own. This comes from your pattern of belief in things and also, because it is toilet paper, while it should not be a big giant deal, again, because it is toilet paper, it sort of IS a big giant deal. Yet for real, and no matter how you care to look at it, this is really how this happens, how our perception shapes our opinion.

I am sure there are MANY times in your life where you could see where it was that your own perception of anything at all was able to help you form an opinion that was not only important, even as outwardly it might have seemed trivial, but may even have been something that would cause you to look elsewhere for what it was that you needed to see and believe and yes, judge as either good, or perceptively other than good.

Opinion…where our perception and our egos meet and tryst

For the very life of the whole of us, there seems dearly to be the need, collectively, even now when we are all really getting spiritually aware and growing like the beings we are meant to be, for others to view our opinions as being more important than facts, or feelings, with the latter being the bigger issue than the former. Our opinion of anything or anyone is NOT fact, and is totally NOT the opinion that all of us has.

We have been told that opinions are like assholes in that, everyone has one, but what we have not been taught, ever, most of us at least, is that our opinion is a personal reflection of our feelings and is NOT the same for everyone. This is the ego part of it, when we fight like hell with people over opinion rather than facts. My thought is that no one really needs to argue, but people who feel like their opinion about anything at all and who want to inject that opinion into the thinking and the realities of other people and expect that it will be theirs as well…well, we are not even thinking in terms of what the truth is.

The truth is…

There is no real rule that people have to agree with anyone else at all, and the truth of this statement is that it is my opinion of things, and not the reality. The reality is that there are still a lot of people who believe that their opinion is the fact, and the only fact in that is that it is their opinion and nothing more than that. 

If we could loosen our grip on what is our truth (which can totally be and usually is our opinion of things) as being also the collective truth, we and our overblown egos would find out that it really is not all about us in the sense that while it is that we are basically the same, we are markedly different. There are people in all of our lives who have strong opinions about anything and everything. The reason that it is said that the two things that no one should ever discuss in any company are religion and politics is because BOTH areas of thought and life are very personal matters.

To believe in anything is a matter of personal preference and personal opinion. My Born Again parents cannot begin to understand, or even think, let alone believe that their oldest does not pray to the same jealous God that I was raised with. Oh hell no I do not, because it is a matter of my own personal opinion that any religion that makes it seem like women are not as bad ass as any man is, is also NOT the religion for me.

My very traditional thinking baby sister, even as I had a HUGE part in raising her and helping her to become who she is at this point, and I, do not agree on the idea that a natal chart will guide a person, if they have an inkling of a mathematical or astronomical and …AND scientific clue in their bodies, FAR better than will any blinded-by-hellfire-and-brimstone threats will ever.

And my kid brother? He and I are such different people that for him to think anything OTHER than that his older sister is a bit out there it would shock me to the core – you cannot change the stripes of a tiger, much as you cannot change the style of belief of others. This is the way that he thinks.

The point is that in all of what might be their opinion of who I have grown up to be, that their opinions of the things that I do and who I am do not matter in the life that is my own. It is difficult for them, for anyone to grasp the idea that anyone would be brought up “in the church” and would, when the time and the Mother Goddess saw and sees fit, outgrow beliefs that maybe, we never really believed at all. When it was that I started to outgrow the shell of conformity that had been there and placed there by people who, in my opinion, believe out of a fear of what they believe WILL happen if they do not repent (nothin’ wrong with it, mind you…it is and likely was not ever for me, but how is a little kid supposed to say so and NOT be scared that their parents will not love them?) .

This is the thing that not a lot of people realize when they are looking at someone else – that opinion is not fact, and unless we familiarize ourselves with who they are and get to know them a little better than we assume what our opinion (call it judgment because that is what it is) tells us is the truth, we are always going to walk the crust of the earth proverbially kissing the ass of an angry jealous God who seems more intent on trying to hurt us and condemn us and possibly even have a bunch of really giant idiots nail us to a cross just to prove that there is nothing that is out of that particular god’s control, not even the slaying of the innocents.

I used religion as the example because it is a very touchy subject. No one wants to have what they have believed forever and 6 days already as being a fairy tale. Sure, I know there are people who have “historical proof” that the Bible is the truth, but there are other truths, and some of them come from the mysteries of life itself, are found no where in any religious book, and are the same for all of us.  When it is that we are believing in anything at all, it is not up to someone else to tell us that since it is that they cannot find what backs anyone else’s truth, much as they can run to that big giant formidable looking book for their truth, that whatever it is that anyone else believes as the truth, no matter what, is a lie, because “it is not the gospel truth.”

And you know what? It doesn’t HAVE TO BE the “gospel truth,” because what no one is willing to think about  when they are in your face and yelling at you about how you will go to hell if you breathe wrong, is the idea that it was Spirit (they call Her “God almighty”) who reached down from whatever it is that they deem as being “Heaven,” sat right there with the prophets and the scholars and every one else at that time, and literally wrote the Bible. Yet, when you tell these same people that there are texts which are older, you are met with angry words, hatred, and everything else that these same types will preach about to anyone else ….wrong answer, guys…seriously.

We fight with others about what our opinion is because to us, our opinion is the truth…and our truth is the very truth, but only for us

Again, I will repeat it – the reason that people fight with others over things that are largely based on opinion is because it is what we have believed for so long, and how foolish would we feel if someone else’s truth was actually the historically proven truth versus a buncha guys on PBS telling us that what they are looking at IS the truth!

This is the reason that I tell you all that opinions are EGO BASED. We are so busy trying to prove our opinion is better than anyone else’s, and we are not willing to see it as anything OTHER than the damned truth, even if it is a little outlandish to think about. We do not like our comfort about anything to be anything other than what it was when it was presented to us by well meaning, yet as clueless, other believers, usually the adults in our lives. What it was when it was presented to me was nothing short of terrifying.

To be a child and to “know things before” they were revealed to me freaked me out, scared the hell out of me and made me wonder why God…at least the God that I was raised to fear…would make me be alive if all he wanted to do was allow people to be harsh with me, to cruely tell me that if I didn’t stop giving the truths as my tiny little child brain got them, to make me think that somehow I was to be the example of what to hope to never be when you want God to Love you, that I would end up burning for the rest of eternity in a hell that some pastor had handed down to him through the ages.

Yet this is what it was like for me.

My opinion now, though, is that I don’t have to fear that ugly God who wants to teach me a lesson in being a bad, bad girl. I no longer have the ability to judge a person based on how many times a day they end up on their knees, simultaneously fearing a God who they worship, all in the name of not having to deal with the ‘what if’ part of the nature of that particular way of believing in anything outside of ourselves.

What we perceive as the truth will be our truth, but it might not be someone else’s. The opinion that we form based on that perception is the part that we have the free will to either go with or go further into examination with so as to have a better and more factual opinion about. Either way, whatever it is that you do and happens for you is yours alone, and just as much as people have the right to believe what they judge as the truth for them, they also have the right to take anyone else’s opinion as agreeable or disagreeable, and we do not have the right to judge them for being able to make that choice. 

Never forget that perspective is NOT opinion. 

One is truth, and the other is truth that is ours alone…



Eventually the bubble DOES burst

It is a false sense of security that creates the ugliness that we don’t want to see.

When I first started out my day I was met, by my own energy even, by the remnants of what can only be called the fruition of bullshit caused by the false sense of security which is brought about by trying to hide the truth. I work with a whole lot of people, and the one thing that I see in them all is this sense within them, even the very evolved students, that tells them that they have to hide their activities, their likes and dislikes, their everything so that they do not have to suffer what they might think as being the injustice of someone else’s judgment.

I am the first one who will say that when it comes to judging other people, it is best not to, for the simple truth that no one alive likes being judged, at all, but we all do it – each and every one of us does it. It takes practice to learn not to. This I know from experiencing learning not to be judgmental. There is another side of being judgmental, the side that tells us that we need to be as nice as we can be about anything at all, especially and including when it comes to our friends and the people about whom we care the very most. We have what I refer to as being “mama eyes,” meaning that until we are ready to face the disappointment brought with judging people as being a lot better than they really are, we will always and only see what we want to see, and sometimes what we want to see, we want to see it so badly that the shininess from our own thought about a person will be what blinds us to the truth.

The truth of things is that there are a lot of people right now who think they are getting away with something, and maybe that is how a lot of people have been for a long, long time, and even I know that it is not that easy to change our own dirty ways, namely when it is for the best, not only for us, but for everyone in our lives. My biggest thing right now is that if we are meant to do one thing, with one set of people, then it is that one thing that will get done, and there is no way to manipulate the energies otherwise. Whatever is meant to happen is going to happen and there is not a damned thing that anyone can say or do about it otherwise. At the moment, I am starting to see a few of my people in a pit that they cannot get out of, and for the life of them it is almost as though they all had this certain set of outcomes that they knew would happen, but not any one person on the face of the planet can tell the future and be absolutely as accurate as they say they are. I know that I am not, as well, I also know that there are a lot of people who do not trust what it is that they know is their truth.

Once we can each trust our selves, we can then go forward and trust others, but until then, what we end up doing is we end up building an impossible set of expectations that only we can see, and in that set of expectations we can only see what we want there for our very selves, without anyone else in  mind, and that is wrong – Wrong, wrong, wrong! It is wrong because when we have those expectations the only person we have in mind at that time is ourselves.  While it is time that we ALL started venturing into the self-care part of life and living, it is NOT time to make it so that other people suffer because of our selfish ways.

Please, do not get me wrong and more than that, do not get all ass hurt over the things that I write here that you can see yourself as being part of. I am included in all of these things that I write about, and while it is that I know there are some of you reading this who do not look past your god damned selves when someone else is talking to you, the fact of the matter is that if you are reading this and CAN see you in it, and you DO feel like I am pointing you out, that is not a ‘me’ thing – that is a ‘you thing’ and I really have nothing to do with it. What you are experiencing is your ego telling you that you have to feel like an ass.  And in that manner, your ego is doing its job, but the problem is that the ego is a shameless little parasite who likes to have all the attention, all the glory, all the accolades, all the respect, all the hurt, all the pain, all of it, no matter what it is, and THAT is why the bubble of pretend safety bursts.

The Bubble of Pretend Safety

Ever noticed how when someone’s ego is SO bloated, that the ONLY person they see in their sphere of awareness is themselves, even though they say what they will about other people and how they want to protect them? And too…Notice how when you need their input, or hell, even their GOOD energy, they are no where to be found? Whether people, anyone, really, understands that this is when the bubble bursts, when we are at our lowest point and it seems like the people for whom we did much, suddenly, for one reason or another, somehow are just POOF – gone, and it is not that you cannot get in touch with them, but that they have taken it upon themselves to keep you right where they need you.

Right there, in the proverbial medicine chest of the soul, between the last apology you were given and the next time you have to be strong on their behalf, like aspirin for a person with a hangover. I say it a whole lot, the idea that as a healer, I am not anyone’s personal aspirin bottle, not anyone’s soul-pain reliever. To think that a person who is like me is somehow okay with being treated like this, and all over what?

Yeah, good question and one that I really haven’t any answer to because at the moment I am stuck between a place where I belong, and a place where the people who I care about the most on this planet are, and the twain do not meet. This is not to say that I want to call them out, even though that is what this might appear as. In fact, the truth is that I want people to realize that there are ways to do what it is that they NEED to do without hurting other people. That is the problem with the entirety of mankind – we all believe that somehow, when someone does not hurt, someone else has to hurt. While that may be somewhat truthful, it really doesn’t need to be this way.

It is called being honest with people, number one, and number two, it is called having the balls to be able to deal with disappointing people when it comes down to it and to do so without being demeaning toward them. This is the challenging part of it, the not demeaning them, because all of us has that parenting ability that tells us that we have to attack someone else when they are not doing what we think they should be doing, when in reality, attack is not what is needed. Love is what is needed because contained in that measure of Love is also the needed devices for healing.

The bubble bursts when the actual truth is found out. The actual truth is the thing that we all want to hide from someone else because we are afraid to hurt them. The actual truth about me, about a lot of people who know me and I, them, is that we want NO ONE to hurt and we want all of what they want that is good for them and their lives to be the thing that happens. When we are willing to be more able to see past what we want, and we are not scared of the truth and are willing to look at it head on in the face and see it for what it and we really are, this is when the healing starts.

It’s like the idea that we don’t need to be hostile to anyone else, and we are because it feels good, but only feels good to us. It’s like the idea that we want to love one other person, but we have said so many hurtful things to certain others, things that we know we would have to account for, and we are not trusting that other person who we confided in enough to believe that what we have been told is private and meant only for our ears.  This is what being judged for so long does to people – it makes them mistrustful of others, even those who we are supposed to trust and know that we can. When too many things happen at one time, and we are in the middle of it all is when what happens between everything and everyone else becomes something other than what it is supposed to become.

If we could just let go of our fear of hurting people at the onset of anything, we would find out that we have the capacity to hurt others, even unwillingly, and that if we have hurt a lot of people in that same manner that maybe the issue is not everyone else, but ourselves. We have to be smarter than the last stupid thing we did, all of us, and this is not only for those reading this but also for the author.  Eventually the bubble that we kept ourselves safe and secure in, bursts, because of the weight of the bullshit that is trying hard to not get out of that bubble. We would sooner wrap ourselves in the cloak of hiding things than to see the light of day as it comes screaming through at us through the cracks in the blinds.

Eventually, the things that we tried to hide, more from ourselves than from the rest of the world, come out and does so with a vengeance. We want to believe that we are clever enough to keep people from breaking through what is the thing that kept us safe, or that we thought kept us safe, but the truth is that we are no safer inside of that bubble than we are outside of it. When the bullshit gets to be too heavy is when we begin to notice within ourselves that we have to change something about us, that the rest of the world cannot be shut out as much as we want it to be, and that indeed, the ones who were there for us when we needed them the most might actually need us, more than we want to believe, and we are, at that moment, realizing that no, we are not able to help them because we are still so afraid of being helped, ourselves.

Needing to be helped does not mean you are weak, and asking for that help means that you are not as stupid as you have been told you are. It means that you had the brains enough in your head to realize that it is only a bubble, and if the bubble doesn’t burst, as it get more altitude, it simply loses momentum.

Then it comes floating down to earth, flat and useless, like it is when it is not flat…it is still useless when thinking in terms of hiding the bullshit.

Stop shielding your truth from the rest of the world, because you don’t know who you are hiding your truth from, and more than that, you don’t realize that the one person who you are hiding your truth from is yourself.

…yet still…



We can only change ourselves

Life would be easier for us all if we just accepted that we cannot change other people

A big fat lesson in my lifetime has been that I can only change myself. Try as I might have, over and over again, I could not ever change another person. It was me who had to change, and me who still has a lot to learn in the area that is getting my way. I know…that sounds pretty awful, the idea that I would write that I want my way. Who doesn’t?

Who doesn’t want their way, all the time, and namely when it comes to making other people see who we are, or see who they are in regards to who we each are? Who are we to judge another person and the way that they are, versus the way that we are, and expect them to do what we know we would not and cannot change? We cannot change other people, and it is futile for us to believe we can. If there is one thing that I have learned about a man these past almost 25 years is that when it comes to the lives and the ways of being that is anyone else who is not us, when it comes to them doing anything for us at all, it is best, it is wise, it is for your best interest that anyone at all learns the truth in the FACT that change is best left to the people who might not realize that change needs to be.

And that is where the bitch of it all is at – while we are, on our own, powerful enough to change who we are that is to our own benefit, and therefor making it also beneficial to others that we have, on our own, begun the changes needed (because no one wants to hang with anyone who can be considered an Overlord of Doucheland). If we can see in someone else the reactions to our words and our actions, and we can have the experience of bristling at their words and their actions, somewhere within us each there is the molecule that is the energy which represents the need for us to grow, willingly, out of the safety net of “usual.”


Usual is that word that, in my opinion, means “same old,” “boring,” or “not quite ready to give up the old for the new.” I am a Pisces. Usual prompts me to start sounding like those sportscaster guys who like to say “Come on, man!” and makes me think of things that are getting old and stale. “Usual” means sterility, and life is not sterile, even though there are people who believe that “the usual” is the best option because in thinking of “the usual” we know that there is no change there, at all, and none willingly being brought to the table by anyone.

I get bored with “the usual,” and for a long time I was expected to be the “usual” type person who just settled into life once the kids were born. Nope. It was because of those three kids that I knew I had to change myself if it were that life would change for them. I will not say that life has always been a pain in the ass for them, but I can and will say that there are no other three kids on this planet who have seen and gone through what they have and who have been, in a short five years, been made almost fearless in the idea that they know who they are, and they are daring in that energy, daring in the thought that anyone will tell them that they are wrong for simply being who they are. They are not axe murderers, and they are not sicko pervs, and they are not kids who are not well behaved, not well mannered, not loving or giving. They are amazing kids, really, and while I know that any mother will say these things of her own kids, I have to say now that after I have watched them go through a lot of loss, a lot of heartache, a lot of watching me go at it verbally with their father (over the things that I chose to change in me, which did not prompt the same in him…meaning that his astro chart is true and right…) a lot of watching me cry over what their grandparents were not and still are not willing to see…a lot of bullshit, really….my three children are stellar. And there is not a person alive who will be able to tell me that I am wrong.

The things that they have seen changed them, made them more able to deal with things that their own father still cannot. The things that they have gone through caused them to be a lot more willing to see both sides of anything, to be able to discern what they can from things that are unclear to their young psyches. The things that these three kids have seen in this last set of five years is enough, in my opinion, to give reason for any kids to turn to drugs, sex, suicide, but they did not fail to those things. Sure, the thought has crossed their minds, I am sure, and there HAVE been times when I wanted to smack the piss outta the oldest (because prescription opiates ain’t no joke…but still, he is alive and well and knows what his pain is about…good boy…Mama is proud of you, boy), times when the girl should just have left her hair alone (because Mama knows what it is like to NOT get the attention that I needed, and if pink and blue hair is your way, then so be it, baby girl…I still Love you enough for my heart to explode), times when the little one should have been put on medication for anxiety over not knowing what would happen next (and yet, here you are, in all your 9-year old-ness, funny and still able to make your mother wonder about you and just exactly how intellectually superior you truly are…that’s my boy hahahahahahaaaa) – the three of them have all outgrown the stereotypes, have all made a mockery of what they typically should have done, but didn’t.

It all happened this way, I believe, because they learned very early on that they cannot change their dad, but that I am more prone to change when it comes to their emotional security (they know I give a damn about it). They have always known that there is not a lot that I will not do for them, because of them, by them, and that, no matter what, the changes that I have willingly made had them and their very emotional health and stability in mind and at heart. They have always known that no matter what, and no matter what happens to me, that I have always made them the center of my attention. There is nothing in the world that can change that. Not one person will ever make me angry with them enough for me to forget who I am to them and what it is that they need from me.

You cannot change other people, ever, so don’t even try to

At this very moment, I am suffering a crushing blow, to my pride, my ego, and my level of who I truly am. The things that I would not put up with I am suddenly putting up with because of these three kids. And really, it is nothing to the person who is doing the crushing, nothing to them that this is really, truly and terrible pain that I, apparently, have to go through. It is not enough that I have suffered much for this person to understand what, exactly, this does to me, and I doubt that their little time in the fray is doing anything to them, because apparently this is meant, and I have to, again, suffer such an indignity.

Yet, in it all, I know that there is really not a lot I can do about it. I cannot change this person, at all, and they are going to do whatever it is that they can to make me know that no matter what, that which I have already been through with them is apparently not enough, and again, I have to suffer, and this time, it is real. This time it cuts me to the bones, the very ones where my soul is. This time, it is the madness and the suffering that I have already done enough of, that no matter what I am told, it still will hurt, because of the actions that have been already taken in the past.

It is times like these that make me wishful for better, wishful for things that I am deserving of, because this is not one of them. The idea that I am not enough for this one thing just creates in me the things that I have worked so hard to not have to deal with, and the issue is not anything other than that I cannot change them, and on my end, I cannot change further for them, for their benefit, and I am not going to even try to. I am expected to just be okay, but I am sitting here, right now, tears rolling down my face because again, I am expected to just accept what is there and in front of me.

Some things, I cannot change, and at this time, the one thing that apparently I am not good enough for is the idea that my heart has been broken to the point where I am not sure that I want to try anything at all, anymore.

But still…

I Love You all




When Prompted for seemingly no reason at all, by the inner whims of the Soul, it is not just a coincidence, but Divine Correspondence

There is a group of people on this planet with whom I share much on this plane and one of those things is DNA and a same familial matriarch. I had, for a long time,  spent my lifetime on this planet and in this awareness trying hard to get them to love me without condition. I could go on and on, and I could say things that would make them look really bad, but that is not how I roll.  In fact, anymore now, I will sooner not talk to them, just so that I do not have that opportunity to say things judgmental about them. It is just not okay for me to do that anymore, to anyone, and I try very hard not to. It is just an easier thing for me to not have contact with people like that, because if I have contact with people who have made it their mission, or so it seems, to look for everything about me that anyone will judge as “bad,” you can bet, without a doubt, that I am going to get and to be very fierce for a very long time.

These days, my fierceness in energy is meant to light the torch on the Path that others now follow, on their own and without fear or shame of who they are. My fierceness does not include, for the most part, my going out into my own world, sullying other people for the things that they said about me or how they felt about me without a good enough reason or for a reason that I gave to them because of what I have said or have done about or to anyone.

I was washing the dishes

It was but a few hours ago that I was prompted with the thoughts of what I had been told months before, about things that I had been called, things that had been said of me, that may still get said of me. It had been a long time since that thought was in my head, and I am not one to take promptings like this anything but seriously. When I have not thought about someone for a long time, namely when it is a group of people who, at least some of them, knows that they hurt me, badly enough for it to have affected me well into adulthood, and suddenly, while I am doing the dishes, there they were, it is not a thought that I thought all on my own. I was prompted by Spirit.

The thoughts, and the people who made those thoughts possible, and the things that they’d said in and out of my presence are what were there for a moment and all at one time. For me to have had issues with what was said for a very long time and from the time that I was a small child is telling as to what kind of world we live in and have always lived in. For many years I tried to get them to just accept me, but always I would, not very long later and afterwards, hear things being said about me or that were said about me, and none of it was nice and most of it was very damaging to me. I carried that weight with me forever.

That is, until this morning, when I was washing the dishes and the thought of two in particular came to my mind, with the third being the person who I was being prompted to ask a question of.

And as always, this person did not let me down. They couldn’t have, because they also know that I am one who deals in the ugly truth far better than I do than when someone tries to save me from harsh words. When it is that harsh words are the only things that you can recall, it is harsh words that you will always and only recall. I won’t sit here and repeat them, because then I have to live through all of it again, and because I was only prompted this morning, the wounds are still there, but at least now, for sure, they will heal.

We are prompted when we are ready to grow from something

It is not as though we are going to be told outright when we are about to grow a bit, or that we have grown. In my case, it was that I have grown and more, that I have outgrown the beliefs set in me by people who really haven’t any real idea of who I am. I might be one of the weirdest people that anyone knows, but I am also as equally loving. I may not be the first person who some people might think about when thinking in terms of “not in her right mind,” but I have, unless someone was just trying to be a douche bag about things, never been called selfish, ever.

Because I knew these things about me, and because I knew that I am not a bad or an evil person, and because I knew and know that what my beliefs are are not subject to judgment or by vocal opinion by anyone, I also knew that when I asked the person I was prompted to ask, that I would not get anything but the truth and lovingly so.  I was right.

In fact, it was their choice to tell me that what anyone else says about me, coupled with the idea that they told someone in common to us both that unless and until that other person has the guavas enough to ask me personally about the things that I believe, that they have no right to judge, and that if their problem with me is because of one of my parents, that it is not my weight to bear, even as bear it, I did, for many, many years, and that it never was.

It was a relief for me to ask, actually. I readied myself for the typical things that the person I was prompted to ask these things of when in regards to certain things that I ask of them, and always, as they know, I appreciate the truth rather than the soothing that normally, people will look for. No, this person to whom I was prompted toward has always known that I would rather hurt than to have to hear one more pretty thing that, even though it would have been the truth, would have not been what I had expected.

So, you can imagine my own delighted surprise to have heard their answer, that really, what had been said and thought of me was very dearly and only judgmental, that the person who the one who I was prompted to ask was speaking to, told them that they do not know me, have never known me or my siblings, and that the real issue was not with me, but more, with what they thought of one of my parents. While it does not take the sting away, and while it will never ever give me all those years back when I really thought that those people with whom I share blood relations with never knew me well enough to have an opinion of me, the prompted one’s words helped lift the dead weight of what someone’s harsh judgment had left me with for the entirety of my lifetime until this very moment.

Sometimes, it is because we have to go through what we have to go through in order for others to come to the conclusion that it was not anything other than their arrogance that causes so much pain for people

No one ever had to tell me that I was not evil, that when I was but a child, that no adult, no matter who they were in my life, had the right to behave as though since it was that I was related to both of my parents, that the one in question is the very reason why anyone in that group who placed that weight on me indeed placed it on me. No one, not even my siblings, will ever know what it was like to be that child, because it was me who, later, made sure to it, through my antics as a teen, which made it possible for these people to say of my brother and my sister that at least my parents could hope for those two because I was just like the one parent who they hated was like. And I still am very much like that parent in that I will not ever allow a person to be awful, for any reason, to any three of my kids, or even to the ones my children have brought into my life and who consider me their other mom.

There was never a good or a real reason why I had to be the target of all the emotional sins placed on me by a group of people who may well have loved me, but did so with conditions and to the extent that was all for show, in my opinion. There was nothing other than the very real energy of my never being completely part of them, and all because of the fact that these people never much liked one of my parents. There was always that feeling that no matter what, I would have to TRY to get them to even think of me in human terms, let alone related to them, because of a whole lot of reasons, but none of them ever made sense and still do not make sense. My thought of a few of them now is that they really, dearly need to stop judging people, because it has taken a lot within me to NOT spill what I know about them. Of course, I wouldn’t, because that is just not how I roll.

Yet, that is what all these years that were imbibed with all the pain and the ongoing soundtrack in my head that repeated to me, in their voices, that I was not good enough, or that I was stupid, or that I would never amount to anything in my life, or that my parents at least had two good kids that were not screwed up. Neither of my siblings will know what it was like to have to deal with these people and not have an adult backing them, particularly one more than the other, because she, herself, was a little girl, and I, at that time in her life, one of those who could be called one of “the adults in her life.” She knows well that there was, and still is, no matter how mad I might be at her, not one person on this planet who will get away with saying untrue things of her, as long as I am within ear shot. I will, no matter what, and this applies to ANYONE who I love enough to go to bat for, never deal with an untrue thing about anyone, ever.

Careful what you say, please, namely in the company of children, as they might grow up to do good things in the world, and might just forget about all the ugly things that you said of them when they were just little kids

I get very upset when I hear ANY adult telling ANY child to shut up. Telling someone to shut up, unless they are just running away at the mouth and only making things worse for the sake of being  made worse, is the most ultimate way to show sincere disrespect, namely if you are wrong. The reason why some men feel like they can tell a woman to shut up is not because she is running away at the mouth, but perhaps because she is not being given her RIGHT to defend herself against her words,  and also, because she might have a point and more than that, HE might be found out to be WRONG.

This is the thing that I was told forever, even today, and was the thing that did not do more than prove me correct in that it is not that anyone was trying to make a situation better for everyone involved, but so that taking sides would be easier. It is not that I was told to shut up, but the reason behind being told to shut up. It is not the respect that is there and evident, but the disrespect that cannot be hidden because it is bigger than the surface respect.  You see, when you grow up thinking that people respect you, and it was because they ‘showed’ it to you, and you are older now, and you really DO know what is the truth of respect, you, meaning me, end up getting very upset when the reality that has been given does not match the reality that is for real.

My reason for that part of this writing is that it takes a little bit of respect for the person who any one of us is thinking to belittle, and that respect appears to be fear, because fear, when instilled in the right amounts, will absolutely bring about an energy that looks like respect, when for real, it is not respect in any other way than forced. It is forced because of the idea that if we do not respect people who share our memories with us will not recall it either, and in my case, it was not their not recalling, but their recalling and making it seem as though somehow,  no matter what I said or did, I was somehow a bad person. And as that bad person, I was always told to shut up.

So, I spent my life shutting up, being assumed a bad person, not really taken seriously at all, and being pitied, by a group of people who still, to this day, are no where near anywhere aware of how I really am. And it is really okay by me, because being related to people does not guarantee that we will get along, or that those relations will somehow trump the truth. The truth was always what I wanted, but I was not given the truth. Instead, I was given a laundry list, albeit silently and through the mechanism called omission of the truth, of conditions that I had to live up to, by almost all of them.

To this day, I have not really lived up to any of them other than that I have respect for them because somehow, at least one of them knows who I am, and that one person made the difference for me.


It was the prompting by Spirit that would not let this go, the part that is remembering, even if only one last time, so that what is not right could be at least settled, so that those who hurt and caused hurt could be released from that hurt on both sides through all of this letting go of that energy.

Today was a big giant hairy spider deal for me, because the fear of responding to a prompt by Spirit will always augur what is the truth, no matter if it is an ugly truth or a truth that, like I waited a lifetime for, would be the most beautiful truth in the world. And it was. It lifted me, and made me feel like I had ribbons of delight wrapped around my soul, because for more than 40 years, I lived with only half the truth and I lived with the pain brought by that half truth.

Though I know that what was given to me today will never take away the years that I pined for their acceptance, it makes it so that now, I can move forward, and should I see them anytime soon, I can greet them with the neutrality that comes from not knowing someone else, that comes from the hope that maybe we will see things in one another that we never knew was there because we simply took for granted the idea that who we are and what we believe is the truth of anyone else is only what we know from our experiences. Not experiences with them only, because they are also part of that on their own. Experiences that takes away from them, and falsely gives to you.  By “falsely gives to you,’ I mean that you get what you felt like you wanted and needed, and you didn’t care that it took anything away from anyone else. How they feel or felt about me is irrelevant to what I learned to feel about people in general, and that is truly, trust must be earned, and worse than that, sometimes, it is never given, no matter what.

The person who I was prompted to ask this of was gracious, is always gracious enough and mindful of my own scars and heart, and did not take sides, just like they know I would not. Had it not been that they were able to put in their own two cents when the chance rose for them to, I might not have a thing at all to write about.

And the prompting to get in fast contact with her is why.

Never assume that what you are thinking, seeing, hearing, or knowing, at any given time, no matter what it is, and especially if it is out of the blue, like this time was for me, that it is NOT by Spirit.

Spirit…she is a tricky dominatrix whose love for her earth bound children is so wide and real that to ignore things like prompting is like holding the winning lottery ticket and doubting your own eyes for what they see.

Do not shun the prompting…it might be the difference between darkness and light…



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