Tag Archives: mother

In Black and White

zebra-stripes

We all know what we do not want…but…do we know what we DO want?

I am Kahuna.

I will not lie- I have always enjoyed the strange nature of things that go on in the ether, but, for the first part of my life on this planet and in this lifetime, while it was that I was very curious about the weirdness, I was terrified of it at the same time that I was curious about it. The bottom line, all of my life, and even sometimes now, I had a fear, not of going to hell, but of letting my parents -particularly my mother – down.

Fast forward to the Now , and with the help of my Maestro, I realized what I feared was that my mom would so dearly be hurt (which she won’t admit to being but I know that she was), and that she might not love me anymore. I feared that my challenge to what was right and correct and true to her would be what made her not love me. I was terrified that she would judge me for who I am now, for what I like now, for who I Love the most right now…but, that did not happen. What happened was that my mother, in all of her motherliness, actually did what I, myself, have had to do, for what seems like a very long time, but really is not – I did that thing called “accepting my kids for who they truly are,” and nurtured that energy within them.

Essentially, I became the mom I did not have. This is not stating that her as my mother was not the best that I could ever have (because now that I think about it, she was actually trying to protect me. All water signs live through a belief that we have to fear everything…please, keep reading…), because without my mom and all of her religious belief, lots of things that did not happen in my life that could have happened were never realized. What was realized, over time, was that there was nothing that I was taught that was not of some sort of good learning for me.

What I learned was that my mother’s way of love for me was very black and white (and it had to be, because I am, by her own stating so, her “wild child”), was cut to the chase and held no secrecy, at least in terms of the absoluteness that is a mother’s love. What I was shown by the Maestro (as well as my oldest) most recently was that what my mom taught me were the lessons of growing out of those expectations and into my own vision of my life, of what would be contained there, of who would be allowed in it, and how much I was willing to see to it that I would remain who I am – this mom, this “Pineapple,” this Me who is the Me who I love so very much and who my Hanai Ohana would be remiss to know that I chose to change to please other people. I know who matters. If change is required, I will know who is the reason why some changes need to happen for me.

I always felt my mom did not like me as a person. I was wrong. I had felt that way all my life, like if I changed one thing about her conjured version of “me,” that I would lose my mother’s love.

This was, and still is, a primary fear for us all – that our parents will be so disappointed in us and as who we truly are or that we are not doing things their way, that ultimately, we fear losing their love. This does not address the idea that some of us (again, including me), still live in that energy and don’t even know it. The feeling denotes that somewhere within us, we do not have (or think we don’t have) the earliest, most…”spot-welded” moment, where every single one of our sensations, bodily and emotionally, can be recalled, and we can feel everything from that moment as though it were right now. In that moment are snippets and snapshots of it, and of every other one that was also spot-welded in our psyches, that prove through our digging for the truth, that we won’t lose the love of those most important to us and in our lives.

This is the defining moment of who we know as mom or dad and of who they are, specifically and in those roles, in our lives. This is the time that the emotional temperature gauge is set, when we are children, even though we do not realize it. It is also the time in our lives that we, at least in my opinion, have initially brain-mapped ourselves into the energy of the reality, to our little tiny brains, that is “mom” and “dad.” In my life, my recollection of this is so dearly planted, and at times the memories so very painful, and why? Because I could not identify with her role in my life as much as I could my dad’s (he is kind of a brainiac).

I was Daddy’s little princess, and I did not become Mommy’s little girl until I was in 2nd grade. Sure, she might tell you differently, but, this is my remembrance of how it came to be that I would know my mom in her role as mom, and my dad in his role as that person, and how it affects our abilities of communicating what it is that we are trying to utilize in our very most important relationships.

When we are not able to speak our own truths, it is because, I think, of the reward system planted in our heads as children. In my lifetime, as a child, one parent was more encouraging, and the other was the disciplinarian. On the one hand, I was encouraged by both of them to excel in my gifts and talents and the use of them, and on the other hand, I was confused all the time because everything was cause for their God to punish me and that I would end up being sent to hell.

This is how my mother did her mothering for a time – via the fear of God, which I now understand was something that she was able to use as her means of scaring me enough to behave properly (WRONG way to do it, namely if you want your kids to even think to remain with the belief system they grew up with).

I always felt like I was being judged very harshly by her and that most of the time she was picking on me. The realest thing to me then was my own fear of her judgment, but now, I understand that it was not that she was judging me, but that she was still trying hard to get her own parents to at least show her a tiny bit of love that came without condition by trying hard to be the disciplinarian mom (like my grandmother – a Sagittarius – fire, action, catalytic…there is no way my mother, even now, could be a fire sign mom because she is water). She used the phrase “constructive criticism” a lot, which told me that I was a damaged person and would never be right, never be smart enough, good enough, and this equated to my also believing that I had to prove that I was worthy of her SHOW of love.

The way that this always presented itself to me was not what she expected or perhaps had hoped for.I am sure that she thought that what she was doing, because it is how she was shown love by my grandparents (which was without a whole lot of a show of affection…how could they? My Kupuna had six kids!) She did not know until I came around just how difficult it was for her to show affection to others. I am sure that she tried a whole lot to bring herself to that point of that show for me, but, I was not shown this and at a very young age it seemed as though I was more akin to a family pet, perhaps even a show pony. Little did I know or could I have even comprehended that it was not that she did not love me, because I know very well that she did and does. It was that she did not know how to show it properly, and it was because she was not shown it by her own parents the manner that she needed to see it. I know this by her manner of speaking about her own youth, and most of what she says is laden with the energy of discipline as being my grandparents’ ability to love all of their children.

While discipline is a form of Love, it cannot be the only form, because if it is, it will be the only kind that is correct, recognizable and even acceptable.

Think about it.

Love, whether you want to think so or not, is very black and white

Love is black and white.

What I mean by this is that we know when the measure of love that we need is being given to us or withheld from us. What we do not know is the reason why, but, based on how we were each raised will be the way that we form the opinion that will also form the habit which typically happens that represents the energy that we have been presented with as or not as “Love.”

We are rarely truly clear on things. We don’t want other people to hurt, and we also do not want to hurt. We try so very hard to not hurt them by censoring ourselves when we think we need to, and then when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, and we are each in that mode of guardedness, we find ourselves right back at square one, right back to that place where there is confusion, where there is miscommunication, where the hurt is contained.

We also and dearly, the very each of us, cannot believe that anyone else truly and absolutely Loves us. After we have confirmation of this one thing, lots of folks try to find a flaw in it, try to find where it is that we are going to screw things up, where they might not love us anymore because they found out that we are not perfect, that we are merely humans, and that truly, we are as much an imperfect creature as anyone else would be. When it is truly that other people are seeing us, and we are seeing them through the eyes of Love, we are able, NOT to look past the things intentionally done to cause harm, but, instead, to see the truth of them in black and white.

And indeed..inherently and embedded in all Human Beings is this capacity to Love, in black and white, without any bullshit. This is when it is the real thing.

The Truth of Others, in black and white

Our perception of others is based on the things that we have experienced with them, through them.

When we feel a little bit of reservation about people (which, make no mistake, we always do all the time, where strangers and those who have hurt us in the past are concerned), we are, without realizing so, prompting ourselves to seek further answers, to look for a different truth that matches what it is that we are believing.

When we cannot make sense of the truth that we are experiencing (and not one of us has the right to call someone else’s truth about themselves or their experiences “wrong” just because it is not the same as ours is…please – keep reading…) and we are not able to grasp why it is that we are going through something, you can bet that the black and white energy of that situation is going to make itself known to you. This is not my rule. This is the rule of reciprocation, the rule that could be thought of as a transaction, like when you go to the grocery store and you exchange money for goods.

It is this same sort of energy tangibly, but different, because the exchange is ethereal energy rather than tangible things.

That is also where we end up a little bit confused – the idea that we are able to exchange energies, even across great distances. We are able to hone in on the truth of others, if it is that we are particularly close to those others. It is not something that can be avoided, really, if it is that we are that close in energies. It is actually a gift, our abilities towards knowing when those within our Hanai Ohana are hurting, are in turmoil, are in need of some sort of special, loving energy. This output of energies is also the thing that we can learn to utilize in terms of when to just maintain our distance so that our loved ones can recharge themselves (solitude – we all need it from time to time). We all have that need – to recharge. When those closest to us request, whether they do so kindly or sharply, a need for solitude, it is wise to honor it.

It is wise to honor their need in that time for one reason – they have been black and white, most likely, and most likely when they have not been, it is because they do not realize that this is their desire. In black and white terms, we all are in need of this sort of thing, and when we are not given this we lash out and we make things difficult, but mostly for ourselves where they are concerned.

What is also black and white but not quite something that we think about in terms of other people, is the sensations bodily that we feel when we are not sure of the answers that someone else is giving us in terms of who they are in relation to us and our energies. This is when what comes out of our mouth might or might not be believable, and it is not them perceiving what we are saying incorrectly, but our own cue as to us having to learn to discern what is our energy versus what is someone else’s.

When we are particularly close to one other person, as is the case between myself and my other half, it can be confusing in that we cannot discern between what is our own versus what is the others’ and sometimes, it is neither. Sometimes, the things that we feel and sense are the cues coming from the ether, from that place in the cosmos that reaches into our psyche and shows us what we are made of. It is that place that tells us when we are in need of repair, or in need of repairing something that we have done that caused damage to another person. It is within our own symbolism of the visions that we all end up having, the very ones that look like a memory that we would rather not look at again which holds the key to healing that part of our selves, and ultimately our lives. Without this sort of awareness, we float in the sea of confusion until we have created a means by which we are able to, through our own symbolism, understand what it is that we are receiving as a message from the Universe.

Usually the messages from the Universe, while they might scare us, they serve a purpose. That purpose is, through a process of thought born in the brain (and in the case of ANY human female – it is called Critical Thinking…bear it, ladies – we are not biologically able to think in a logical manner. We are emotional beings. Prove me wrong….but I am betting you won’t be able…don’t get ass hurt. Just deal with it and learn about how to think critically. I’ll teach you….) and is totally our own creation, so that we can understand that Love is black and white, on all levels, and that no matter what, we are not able to change it because it has to be allowed to grow.

Once we have looked at the black and the white, we will find there inside of that energy, the truth that is there and is ours.

Truth, while it is ever changing, is also static until we have created better and more believable truths, and truths which feel good and not like we are somehow the world’s biggest fool for wanting to simply just be who we are, truthfully, in black and white….

Where is it in your own life, and in your own thoughts, that you are not practicing the black and white nature of Self-Love and Self-Care, the sort that makes each and every one of us pause for thought, and not pausing for thought of the detrimental sort (we beat the shit out of ourselves over the good opinions of other people, all the time), but pause for thought that has become the truth that we are unaware of as being our own, created through our own means and measure, and the very truth that we do not realize til right this moment that we have been living in.

Please believe your own good, black and white, loving truth about you.

And think, too, about the answer to this question – is your truth about yourself the truth, period? If it is not, can you think of what it is that would make you believe what is someone else’s worn out and outdated truth, perhaps even of the you that you once were?

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Un-comfort

futless

When we are in the midst of things that are not making us feel better about things and we are feeling very uncomfortable, it is time for us to take stock of who it is that we are at the moment versus who we used to be.

Being confined to a set scheduled work week is something that I find I have always been very dearly uncomfortable with. It is not because I do not like to work (truth is that I LOVE my work), but rather and only that I do not like confinement, and when I am feeling confined at all, I tend to get a little bit testy.

You see, there are times when “confinement” is not really confinement, and in those times where  it might seem like we are confined to one thing or another, and when it is that we have chosen to see whatever that one thing is as anything BUT being confined, the very word “confinement” takes on a new color – the one called “maturity.” Sometimes we have to deal through our own soul’s immaturity in some manner so that we can see through it and to the light that is the evolved manner we end up as being.

Yet, no one ever tells anyone (and no one ever means it unless they are a teacher of all things strange and weird and not exactly mainstream) that when we are growing and we know we are, that that growth, in some ways, is going to be very uncomfortable, and the un-comfort comes from the familiar things and ways of being that a whole hell of a lot of human beings don’t realize or perhaps even understand that evolving to one’s own higher self takes work, time, tears, and lots of un-comfort.

Un-Comfort

There are a lot of ways that the word “uncomfortable” can be thought as. My thought is that when we are in the middle of a thing that is making us have to wait, making us crazy with impatience and making us think thoughts about things that we would rather not deal with (when in fact we know we are supposed to deal with it all so that we no longer have to deal with it anymore…duh), this is when we are being taught directly by Spirit about what it is that we have been not acknowledging.

Now, not acknowledging things does not mean that we are ignoring them, really. It means that we are just not caring enough to have to deal with it or look at it and in that energy we choose instead to just not bother with that one thing.

But it is precisely that one thing that will continue to bother, continue to be the thing that we would rather not deal with and be the thing that we would hope to the Goddess would just sort of vanish and not be around. If you have been reading this blog for any amount of time at all, you will figure out one thing about it, and that one thing is that in our lives, there is nothing that will not be taught, that we will not be presented with, that will not be in our faces, again and again, over the course of our lifetimes, that, if we are meant to learn it, learn it we will.

And if we choose to not learn it by ignoring that whatever it is exists, we will also find that when it is time for that thing that we refuse to learn to just not be there anymore, that one thing will be the only thing that will present itself in the manner that we have not wanted it to for likely a very long time.

Our own discomfort with our un-comfort is sometimes unbearable.

The fact is that we have all been taught to not look at, not see to, not bother with, not acknowledge all those things that hurt us, that make us cry, make us grit our teeth so as to hold back the bitter and biting tears which, for a lot of us, need to fall from time to time. If they don’t fall, you will not realize the one truth that is apparent to the majority of us and that is that we are all human beings just being who we are.

Who we are is sort of a big fat deal

Of course, there are a folks who will not ever believe this, and that is okay, because those people are the very ones who should be reading this right now because those people are the very people who seem to think that what other people say about them is the truth, namely if it is the sort of thing that is not that flattering.

There are some folks who refuse to believe this because they believe that they are not good enough to have anyone say such things about them. The bottom line is that all human beings have the potential for greatness.In that greatness we have many options that point us in the direction that we are, as guided by Spirit and the very essence of that Spirit which resides within us, meant to be going.

Thing is, while we are growing up we are molded in the image of what is comfortable for those who are raising us into the human being that they want us to become. That is okay, but the other thing is that, whether we like it or not, our children or the kids who we raise have that thing called free will. Free will is that thing that we are all born with.

When we use our free will, we are doing as we are meant to be doing.

There are lot of people on this planet who want other people to believe that there is no such thing as free will. It is that particular group of people who, themselves, were taught and believe that while people do indeed have free will, there are only certain folks who we share the air with who are allowed to exercise it.

The un-comfort comes from our not wanting to let other people down, even if those other people are the sort who would never bother to think that somehow, they are letting anyone else down with who they are, are letting someone else down by not giving that other person the availability of their own free will choices when thinking in terms of relating to anyone else at all. That is really what happens here, when we think about it, when it all comes down to the idea that our un-comfort comes from ourselves in that we want to think that somehow, we are able to save everyone else from having to make uncomfortable choices.

We must learn to accept that we cannot help everyone, because sometimes, everyone needs to simply get a clue

In my life there are people who I am very willing to help. It is because those who are most willing to help themselves are also those who are most willing to help others if they can. This is the utmost highest form of unconditional love – helping others who cannot possibly even try to help us in return, and our not expecting to be helped back for the things that we do out of kindness and out of the Soul of Aloha.

Even as it is the most wonderful thing to be able to help others, namely those who cannot do anything in return for us, there comes a time when we must choose to be our own hero and see in front of us, NOT the opportunity to help someone else, but the opportunity to refer back to who we were. We must  realize that who we are is no longer that person, and take things from that vantage point, rather than the vantage point that makes us tired, that makes us want for something that is not up to us to try to make happen for anyone else without their knowing so.

It is in their knowing so that we come unhinged, as it is also that point where, rather than the soul within us rising up to take notice and take the opportunity to see, it is the ego self who rises to the occasion and it is through that reckoning that we will see, for sure, who we are trying to help more – this other person (because we actually care about their well-being) or our sometimes energy-vampiring ego-selves who need the pat on the back for thinking the thought that we would help anyone else at all and that we would also receive lots of attention for having done so.

When we are in a state of un-comfort, we are in a state of learning about what we have evolved, or perhaps devolved, to.

Change is not subject to our automatically being turned into the super heroes we are meant to become in this lifetime. Hell no.

What we are all given to being given is that we are brought through others all of these things that we need to learn about ourselves. Other people, no matter who they are, mirror for us the people who we are, the people who we are becoming, or the people who we no longer can recognize as being.

When someone makes us uncomfortable, our inner selves tell us so. When we are in the company of people who are meant to be part of our soul tribe, again, we are told by the very soul within us that this person or these people are our tribe and that they have been gifted to us by the very Mother Goddess Herself.

When we take notice, consciously, that we are being shown anything at all, it is time to celebrate because it is within that energy of knowing that we are granted the greatest gift of all…

…the gift of evolving to our higher selves, one uncomfortable situation, person, thing …at a time…

I Love You All !

ROX

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Thanks for reading !! Aloha ! ROX

 


Things Unsaid

When learning things regarding our lessons, there are things that cannot be said for the simple reason that if it is said, it cannot be learned. 

When I started college, my initial “thing” was to study Behavioral Science so that when I chose to grow up into the teacher that I did not know I was meant to be (and that is SO not what I imagined it to be), I would be able to not only help other people retrain their brain to think right (and thereby act right), but more, I would be able to stand in front of a gallery of young college students and teach them what I know about our behavior and why we are so prone to trippin’ out all the time over things that we ought not be trippin’ about.

It didn’t happen that way.

I had NO CLUE that, indeed, I was meant to become a teacher of things, but not of things contained in actual academic texts, and neither of things, at least in the manner of speaking in terms and about things…academic…but rather and only in terms of bigger, more important things…things like daily walking the healing Path, and daily living a Spiritually led life. Little did I know that I would be able to use what I know and what I learned in college to further the actual teaching that I would do, which is not just right here every week, but out in the real world of souls which, in case none of you have looked at things in the manner that I constantly look at them, not everyone is going to end up in college, and not everyone is going to be able to discern for themselves what it is that is their “trip” in terms of what they’re trippin’ on.

Teaching People How Not To Be Trippin’

My work in this world became evident to me a couple of years ago, when I was on the phone at one point with the lovely April, and then at another point, the equally as lovely Dannie. One of them said that hula would be mine forever, but that it was not going to be what it had always been for me but would become SO much more than what ANY Kumu Hula could imagine, and she was right. The other said that if I thought that everything I knew at that point, and now, everything I know plus everything that I employ daily as a means for helping others learn, was meant to be contained and locked within the confines of the conventional classroom, I had another thing comin’ (yeah yeah shut up…I love my leather clad mahus…get over it lol).

Where one told me that I would never stop dancing OR teaching hula, the other told me that it would be through not only what I’d learned in college, but more, what I’d learned through all the crap that I had gone through for so long and that seemed normal to me. Even though I knew that the things that I had been witness to, things that I had experienced in my life even to that point, in my mid-30’s, were some of the most … horrific experiences… in terms of emotional toll taken, when it was that I was told these things and because of all of the things that shook my very core and shook the trust in others right out of me, I knew that I could trust my two best friends. I knew that I could trust them because they’d both been telling me things, sometimes outright, and sometimes in a veil of mystery.

A Veil of Mystery

*Clears Throat* …ahem…students…welcome to class today. This part of this writing is addressing those who I am actively teaching, those who are feeling like they are at their wit’s ends with my telling you each that the things that you want to know, versus the things that you need to know, combined with the things that I know and the things that I cannot tell you are what this is all about today.

Yep…don’t I know it? I know that many of you cannot stand the idea that there have been more than only a few times that I have said to the each of you that the thing that you are asking me to tell you is the very thing that you are learning about and that because you are learning that one thing, I am not able to tell you what you want to know that you already know that I do know, and you know that I know because I told you that I know.

And indeed, I have a problem with this one thing, too, and yes, my own teachers, to this day, STILL tell me the VERY SAME THINGS that I tell all of you – that if I knew I could tell you what it is that you are meant to be learning, I would. If I knew that what you are learning was something that I would not have to reexperience myself, that I would have to go through again, that I would have to deal with even though I had already gone through it, I would. If I knew that you were not as close as you are to where you are meant to be with this one thing, I might give you a hint, but I cannot just tell you what it is that you want to know because of one thing…

One Thing…

Yes, you read that right – if I tell you what you have asked me to tell you, have had a tantrum over not knowing and have told me that you don’t care if you have to learn it and that you will learn it and use the information that I give you as Cliff notes, not only will I have to relearn that same lesson but not for the same reasons that you, yourself, are learning it, but it will likely suck for me way, way more than it did the first time because – yes, I’ve already been there, I’ve already done that, and in sharing my cheat sheet with anyone at all, it is like my telling Spirit that I need to retake the test.

Think about when you were in high school and that one teacher with a hard on for NOT telling any of us what we wanted to know and realize that this is the very same thing, only it is not a grade you are working toward to get out of high school, but rather and only the armor needed to get through the next lesson you will learn in relation to the one that you are learning and that I cannot tell you what you want me to tell you.

The reason that we are met with difficulties in our lives, and the reason that things seem to come crashing down onto us at the most inconvenient times in our lives, and the reason that you secretly will wish my brain to collapse, dry, shrivel up into a walnut in my skull is so that we can master that part of our lives. Unlike the grading scale in conventional school and typical learning, being taught to navigate your life from the Soul out, and more – mastering it all – is hands on. This means that you don’t get to have a book, and you don’t get to have extra credit, and nothing that is familiar to you in terms of how you have learned things in the manner that is learning in the traditional sense – none of that will be of any good purpose for you when it comes to lessons in coping, lessons in growing, in acceptance, in Loving who you are. And really, THAT is what it is that seems to be SO difficult about all of this weirdness that you are all learning, not only about me, but more importantly, about you.

The reality is that in this lifetime we need some sort of guidance, some of us more than others, but not because some of us are more duh than others, but because all of us are learning something different at the same time. What I am learning is not what you are learning, but this does not mean that there is not anyone else on the planet or even within my own awareness who is also not learning the same thing, perhaps, as any one of us would be at any given time at at all.

The Karmic Thing About Teaching

Yes…there’s that word that you all love to hate – Karma, Karmic, whatever – and you hate it because every time I use it, you KNOW that there is something that you are going to learn whether you want to or not, and that what you are learning, I already know about, and that I am not able to tell you how to get out of. It just has to be done and I cannot tell you because really, if I tell you what you are learning about, I will have to go through that lesson of NOT telling you.

It is like when a mother is teaching her kid to behave – at first, we might tell that kid about what they are doing that is not okay to do, and then when they do it again and again, we want to trip out on them and tell them how to do that one thing that we know will keep them out of the spot they are in at the moment. Yet, every parent knows that the kid will not listen, will not do what he or she has been told will get them out of the spot they’re in. Most parents will go out of their minds about that one thing, will try, over and over again to get that kid to do things they need to do in order to get out of that spot.

In the same manner, students of many different spiritual paths will end up that same way. I know this. I was this student and more times than not am still this student, and like a rock-headed human being, I have a snit, and I beg and plead and ask and to no avail – still, I must learn, and still, my teachers, like I will not, do not budge.

So, kiddos, that is why I cannot tell you more than I tell you, why I will not allow you, as my charge, to not learn, because that is my place in your life – teacher. And I am a damned good one. I was told so…by my own teachers…and yep, haha….it was one of those things that I was not allowed to be told and that I had to learn…

I Love You All !

ROX

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