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That which we are not aware of

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In terms of being aware, it is not what we are absolutely aware of that we need to hone, but that which we are unaware of and that we are creating that we need to learn…

Awareness: having knowledge of something and especially of something not generally known or apparent (from Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary,1973, pg 78)

Until we are aware of something, we are unaware.

Yeah, I know…duh… 

The reality is, though, unfortunately, that we humans can be severely unaware of what is happening with our own selves, and lots of times it is not a bad thing, even though those lots of things might actually be very, very tough to deal with, let alone live through. At this moment in our shared lives we are finding that there is a LOT of stuff that we are going through, that perhaps a lot of us have denied through the mechanism of being awful in terms of how it is that we feel about ourselves and our abilities.

And let me tell you what – every one of us is going through something right now. I am sure that if you bothered to look at the less than rosy things in your life (you know…the things that take you away from having to deal with the things that you would rather not? Yeah…I’m onto ya…keep reading), you might not be able to see it right away, but in that garbage is what it is, at the bottom of it all, you are learning. And you are not learning to do something OTHER than become aware.

Awareness is that thing that we want, but is something that reveals the truth, not only about other people, but mostly about ourselves. While it is that we do not want to look at the ugliness that exists within the confines of our lives, what we are not thinking about is what is not apparent but is absolutely there for us to find. We are so hard on ourselves, so hard on who we are for real, that we do not buy into what others say about us that is good – we prefer to keep ourselves humble, so to speak, and keep ourselves at a level that is not the level that we each know we need to accept ourselves as being at.

This is not easy to do when we are looking at our tangible realities and finding there the things that scare the hell out of us the most. This is what this things called awareness brings us – the ability to see, perhaps even with our physical eyes, that which is unapparent to us on the physical level.

That which is apparent to us on the physical level is not all that there is to ‘see’

If I tell someone who I am coaching that there are things that they are not aware of, and things that they, themselves, cannot see, it is actually a very good thing that some of them cannot see what it is that anyone else can see and appreciate.

Sometimes, duh is better

Sometimes, it is better that we cannot see these things about us, because in doing so, we will either become so comfortable in the idea that we are changing things for ourselves that we become complacent in our efforts and end up not evolving, or, we will find ourselves so very…filled with un-belief…about the great things that we are being told, that we will over-analyze what we have been told is the truth about us as presented to us by someone else. We will make it so that within that goodness, we will find something that will invariably go ‘wrong.’ We are so much more readily available to believe the ugliness that is said about who we are, far and long before we will even think to accept what is not apparent to us and is actually both true and good. We will essentially mind-fuck it into oblivion, and we will end up continuing to believe the awful things that others have said about us and to us.

The thing about that sort of things is that, when others tell us what they feel is ‘wrong’ with us, what they are actually doing is reflecting how they feel about themselves and showing us, through the mirror who they are, what is really not completely okay about themselves. I am reminded of a mother who cannot find one good thing to say about her adult kid. When finally she does, somehow, because it is her habit and it is her way of keeping her kid a kid, she jacks things up by “balancing” the good things that she’d said by reminding her kid that somehow, they are not the best person on the planet, and why don’t you listen to mommy more?

Well, why would anyone want to listen to someone who never encourages another person to be all that they can be and do so without all of the (ahem) ‘constructive criticism’? (I am sorry, but, that is not a real thing, by the way – how can criticism ever be constructive? It is way, way destructive…keep reading…) It is not that they have a bad thing to say to us or about us, at least for the most part. It is that they are not happy with themselves, or they feel like they are entitled to our changing who we are so that they can feel better about themselves through the mechanism of reflecting their own ‘bad’ onto someone who is essentially ‘good.’

This is the truth. I did not make this up.

On this planet we share the air with people who have been told their entire lives that, because they are not willing to conform to someone else’s level of comfort, that somehow, they are ‘bad.’ What else is the truth is that not one of us has to accept what is someone else’s bullshit when it comes to things like who we are to anyone, namely and mostly ourselves. The damage that is caused by people not thinking before they speak, or perhaps not thinking at least about how it would feel if they were to be told the same things that they habitually say to others…that damage is huge and that damage lasts as long as it takes for a person to raise their level of awareness, at least to the point where what is being said cannot be proved as true.

It is only true if we choose to believe it.

At that point, we make their truth, our truth. At that point, we are living and being the person who they see and who they have a problem with. At that point, what we are doing is anything other than being true to ourselves. We are taught for our lives long that other peoples’ opinion is the truth of us and really, the truth of us is created by and through us. Other people are just tools in that creation. They are there with their cutting words and their biting assumptions, there with words but without a clue. They are there to make sure that they get what they need into our ears and our psyche, and there to help us choose what they are in terms of what it is that they bring to us.

Choosing who they are vs. allowing them to choose for us who we are

In the last paragraph, I wrote that we get to choose who they are in our lives. To make sure that things are more clear for you, let’s see these people as actual tools in a toolbox.

Now, realize that I have almost zero clue about what tool is useful for what job and that for the most part, I am using this only as an example. Inside of a toolbox there are several different tools. Each of those tools has a different purpose.  Each of them does different things, even though lots of them might look a whole lot alike.  Some are exactly alike but are a different size, meaning that even as they might look like something else, they are outwardly and essentially the same, but do not have the same purpose.

NOW…let’s look at the other side of this…the side where you call a guy to repair something.

That guy knows his stuff, and here you are, questioning that guy about his stuff. You sit there telling that guy what he should do according to you, and all the while, that guy is the one who is going to, without your help, either fix what needs to be fixed or leave the repair job, and all because you have shit to say about something that you called on him for. Because you do not know what this guy has already gone through earlier in his work day, you are taken aback when he tells you that you can fix it yourself, and you are offended by him when he hands you his tools and tells you to do it yourself (since you know better than the expert).

…the difference being…

In one instance, we are who, in our DIY manner, chooses who is and who is not a tool for us. We choose who will sharpen us through their words and their sordid thoughts about us. We choose who will strengthen us by their measure of trying hard to make us weak every chance they get. We determine what tool will be best for what job and what part of us needs to be made whole. When we are the one doing the choosing, we are managing who we are through whatever means it is that other people bring to us. In other words, we are not believing what others say of us that is not that great and who are choosing their stuff to measure against our stuff and we are finding out the truth through them without them realizing it.

In the other instance, when we call out someone else about their stuff and we believe them, we are allowing them to create for us an awareness that is not our own, and we are telling them that, because they have a problem, and since they are more willing to see what they think we are not able to do versus the reason why they called us out or upon us for whatever reason they have, we are letting them be in control and we are allowing them into that sacred place of wholeness that only we can see to. This is not to say that we do not, from time to time, in our actual abodes, not in need of someone to come and actually fix stuff for us. It is saying that when it comes to the home that is our peace of mind, the last thing that someone …anyone…needs is one more person telling us that they have a better way of doing things and why are we not doing things their way?

When it comes to that point is when we have to choose who they are to us…are they a tool? Are they someone in need of our specific help with themselves? Are they someone in need of specific help with themselves and who would rather not fix who they are – they would rather tell other people how said other people are not able to do what it is that we are all able to do, so long as we do it ourselves and without believing the things that people tell us is the truth of us.

Basically, the way that we become aware of the things that we are not topically aware of is simply trhrough observance, through listening, through paying attention to the things that others are telling us is the truth of who we are. What you will notice is that everything that they have to tell us about us is typically about them, as well, and when they tell us what they tell us, it is a reflection of themselves, not of us. We are not taught this way. We are taught to believe other people. We are taught to not trust us. We are taught to be beholden to the opinions of other people, and we are not taught that the only opinion of ourselves that truly matters comes from ourselves.

The hardest part of all of this awareness stuff is not that we have to look at what other people think of us. It is that we have to learn to accept that which is GOOD about us and learn to stop accepting what is bad about us according to other people.

The late Dr. Wayne Dyer said it best… “What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.”

The Truth…it completely rocks…namely when it is that we are the creators of our own…

Live Aloha…

I Love You All… ROX



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Forcing Change


The Eclipsed Libra Moon

We all know about change. We all know that a lot of us on this planet hate going through changes. The Full Moon in Libra tomorrow (4/4/2015) brings with it the balance that we all need to live. What it also brings with it is the promise of that which is no longer useful to us, is outdated, is not a good thing for us to have in terms of our own personal evolution become no longer a part of our collective experience as human beings on Earth.

That picture of the rubble is right here in sunny Southern California, in that famed and fabled place that a whole lot of movies and one song in particular has made famous – the San Fernando Valley of Southern California. That is a photograph of the afterward of the Northridge earthquake which happened in January of 1994.

At that time I was living here in P-Town, and at that time I was carrying Jeremy, my oldest who is now 21. At that time I was still convinced that I was something that I now know without a doubt that I am so, so very NOT! (I’m sorry, but I don’t do church, guys…figure it out).

At that time, I did not realize what was happening and at that time I knew, because of Jeremy, that a LOT of change was about to take place. The change that I needed mostly was the change that would have been brought with my no longer being physically abused, which did happen, but is also what made the emotional abuse that much more difficult on me.

The change that I needed the most, in fact, did not come to my brain until that baby who, at the time of the Northridge quake, was not even born into this consciousness until that same March, was 18 years old.

The changes needed came to me in 2012, which was when I chose to no longer be someone else’s victim and instead chose to become my own Survivor.  While it was not that the moon was eclipsing that night, what was eclipsing was the idea that the things that were no longer needed by me were being revealed, in the most ugly possible way that they could be.

It was not that anyone outside of me needed to change for me, but instead was that I needed to choose the change that needed to be.

At that time, and on that date, the moon was in Virgo, which is the nit-picky and cleansing energy that makes us do what we need to do in order that we can be the best at who we are. That is what Virgo is all about – organizing all of our tangibles, so that our intangible thoughts can rest.

At this time, though, we have the sun in Aries, with the moon in its opposing sign, which is Libra, the guy in the zodiac who is responsible for balancing things out, making things right, so that life can be at its balanced best. This time though, we have all this other planetary stuff going on, and it is stuff that is adding to the power of this already powerful moon and the lunar eclipse happening tomorrow…on a very numerologically powerful day, namely for someone like me, who is Hawai’ain. (4/4/2015 = the number 4 is sacred to us Maoli folks…you have two 4’s and 2+0+1+5 = 8…another two 4’s…anyway…)

All this other planetary stuff going on = all this other earthly change and shaking up of things going on…

In order to understand what I am talking about, you might want to check out Dr. Loretta Standley’s website, and look at the links which will take you to the generational and global forecasts. I am not able to do more than tell you all what it’s all about, and if you want a deeper explanation of all of this weirdness, my best suggestion is to go and look at what she has to say – she is very good at this planetary other stuff going on.

Anyhow, we have to think about the things that are going on in our personal worlds and apply that same thing to the grander world at large that we all share and all live in.

The things that are GOING TO happen will change our lives for the better, even though the things that happen could end up being of the cataclysmic sort for some of us. When I say that your foundation will be shaken, I beg you to please not freak out about it, because really, the things that are about to change are the very things that NEED to be changed because without that change, the things that we each and all desire to be in our lives cannot happen.

We cannot expect all these new things and all this new change that is upon us to happen where there is stagnancy and the opposite of growth.  It is like Einstein said a very long time ago in that, we want different results from the same things that we do and that we think will solve our problems, but we are so crazy with the idea that we can hang on to what is old and not useful, sometimes for sympathy reasons, that we have no room for what is new and needed.

And the people who are like this are the ones who bitch about it the most. This is not to say that some folks who hang on to tangibles are by any means the same folks who hang on to old hurts they way that they hold on to an old vinyl 45…it ain’t the same…I think you get what I am saying.

When I say that Libra is the sign of balance and harmony, I mean just that, but you have to also think about what else is going on in the heavens in order to see how it is that Libra is going to work through all of this change. Libra is the peace maker, but there are other guys up in the sky who are the guys who are GOING TO DEMOLISH all that which is no longer needed for all of us and in all of our lives.

Whatever is holding you back…

If you can think less about the astrology of all of this, and focus more on the human being side of this where we are all going to be affected by this, you can think in terms of things that you can no longer wear because they don’t fit, or they are tattered and worn (even though you love all of them), or have gone the way of the freecycle and now are someone else’s to love and to wear.

In that same manner, I am sure that there are parts of your life, of your personality, of you that you know need to no longer be the way that they are.

For some of us it means that we have to rethink our entire way of doing things. For others, it means that we have to rid ourselves of things that no longer serve us. For us all, though, it means that we are about to get what we have asked for, or, what we were askin’ for. For all of us, we are about to witness things happening with and to people who we would never dream those things happening to anyone, and it is all meant.

Some of us will go through a lot of material change, but for the most part, what this full moon is about to bring us to is the light out of the darkness, even if we are not ready for it.

…and if we are not ready for it…

It won’t matter. Spirit does not work in the manner that is “when I’m ready to, then I’ll do it,” by any means. I know that there are a lot of you reading this who think that you are in control of everything, but I have news for ya – you’re NOT, and that is – that thought and that energy, whether you want to believe it or not, also about to change.

Some of us have already started feeling the changes as they approach, and in like manner we have chosen to just go with the flow, because we know that to fight it only makes the pain of change that much more painful.

I suppose that I am writing this today to all of you who really want to think that you can escape the fate of change. You can’t.

You cannot continue in the moldy way you have been doing things. You cannot keep on going through your own lives bitching all the time about what you don’t like, and if you think I am kidding, then you are going to find yourself bitching through the entire process of the change game.

You do not realize that you really have no choice, because the Mother Goddess has this thing that She does that we all have to do, because if we don’t do it, we are going to end up dead- inside, first, followed by the body, because when you think in terms of “everything outside of us and in our own reality is also inside of us,” you find a better picture of the reality of your reality.

The Reality of Your Reality

It really is this simple – what you see in your reality is shaped by your perception of what you are looking at.

Say you have a mountain of work to do and the work has to do with you going through mountains of stuff that you no longer need, stuff that is kept because of an emotional attachment to it, even if the thing you think you are not attached to itself holds no emotion within it for you. The fact that you spent money on it is the emotional attachment for you.

That you are emotionally attached to things is one thing, because we are all emotionally attached to more than we care to admit to being. However, that you might not realize how it is that you are emotionally attached to things that you might not have even bothered to think about for a long time is what is going to change for us all here within but a matter of a few days to a few weeks.

A global emotional enema

More like a Universal emotional enema. This weekend’s full moon is about uprooting the weeds in our lives, and making room for new things to grow there, namely our very selves.

We cannot grow if we are not willing to hurt, and lots of people do not know real hurt because they are emotional douche bags.

I know a whole lot of people who had the energy of being awarded with the Massengil Award of Excellence more than one time and for longer than they should have been the way that they might still be. I say “might still be” because I no longer have contact with these people because they do nothing in terms of knowing what it means to give room to others to be all the good, jacked up human being that they can be.

And those people…the ones who don’t give room for jacked up people to be jacked up yet loving people…those people will be the very ones who will feel these energies the strongest, because these are the people who have the very most ego to quell, and these are the very kind of people who have, for CENTURIES, made life really crappy for people who are not just like they are.

Those who judge will be judged, and those who do bad things in secret will have light shed on their doings. Those who do only for themselves under the guise of doing for others will be found out for the creepy people who they really are, and those who I have left out and are the others on the list of Massengil Award recipients will just have to deal with being on that list.

That list, I hear, is very long.

For too long the entirety of the planet, for generations and eons and centuries, has had this very ugly energy about it and surrounding it, the sort that is exclusive, and the sort that makes it so that regular people like me and you feel sometimes like Spirit hated us enough to make us have to work for our living rather than having it inherited to us. And if we are due for an inheritance, the things that hurt and the things that seem like they are taking forever at this time are happening because the Mother Goddess is trying to make you understand how you should NOT be.

It is not okay to show off, and the Mother Goddess and the current planetary energies are making sure that you understand this. You don’t need that much attention, namely if you are not that cool, and namely if you think that you must be worshiped in order for you to be any sort of good human being.

Good human beings do not need other human beings to worship us. Good human beings know already that our reward is not in the tangible things, even though sometimes that is exactly how those very rewards will show up.

I suppose that what I am writing about today is not meant for those of us who consider ourselves jacked up yet loving human beings.

I suppose that I am writing for the benefit of the Massengil Achievement Award recipients, the ones who like to show off and put their own perceived greatness in the faces of others.

I suppose that I am writing to warn all of the “better than you because I said so” types that they are about to find out that no, you are not, and you are about to find that out in likely the harshest ways that the collective of you can recall.

I suppose, really, that I am telling all of us that the harshness of change is meant to be, and that this time that change is on the globally felt scale.

It wise to retrofit your ego before you end up like that building in the picture

I Love You All !



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When we are in the midst of things that are not making us feel better about things and we are feeling very uncomfortable, it is time for us to take stock of who it is that we are at the moment versus who we used to be.

Being confined to a set scheduled work week is something that I find I have always been very dearly uncomfortable with. It is not because I do not like to work (truth is that I LOVE my work), but rather and only that I do not like confinement, and when I am feeling confined at all, I tend to get a little bit testy.

You see, there are times when “confinement” is not really confinement, and in those times where  it might seem like we are confined to one thing or another, and when it is that we have chosen to see whatever that one thing is as anything BUT being confined, the very word “confinement” takes on a new color – the one called “maturity.” Sometimes we have to deal through our own soul’s immaturity in some manner so that we can see through it and to the light that is the evolved manner we end up as being.

Yet, no one ever tells anyone (and no one ever means it unless they are a teacher of all things strange and weird and not exactly mainstream) that when we are growing and we know we are, that that growth, in some ways, is going to be very uncomfortable, and the un-comfort comes from the familiar things and ways of being that a whole hell of a lot of human beings don’t realize or perhaps even understand that evolving to one’s own higher self takes work, time, tears, and lots of un-comfort.


There are a lot of ways that the word “uncomfortable” can be thought as. My thought is that when we are in the middle of a thing that is making us have to wait, making us crazy with impatience and making us think thoughts about things that we would rather not deal with (when in fact we know we are supposed to deal with it all so that we no longer have to deal with it anymore…duh), this is when we are being taught directly by Spirit about what it is that we have been not acknowledging.

Now, not acknowledging things does not mean that we are ignoring them, really. It means that we are just not caring enough to have to deal with it or look at it and in that energy we choose instead to just not bother with that one thing.

But it is precisely that one thing that will continue to bother, continue to be the thing that we would rather not deal with and be the thing that we would hope to the Goddess would just sort of vanish and not be around. If you have been reading this blog for any amount of time at all, you will figure out one thing about it, and that one thing is that in our lives, there is nothing that will not be taught, that we will not be presented with, that will not be in our faces, again and again, over the course of our lifetimes, that, if we are meant to learn it, learn it we will.

And if we choose to not learn it by ignoring that whatever it is exists, we will also find that when it is time for that thing that we refuse to learn to just not be there anymore, that one thing will be the only thing that will present itself in the manner that we have not wanted it to for likely a very long time.

Our own discomfort with our un-comfort is sometimes unbearable.

The fact is that we have all been taught to not look at, not see to, not bother with, not acknowledge all those things that hurt us, that make us cry, make us grit our teeth so as to hold back the bitter and biting tears which, for a lot of us, need to fall from time to time. If they don’t fall, you will not realize the one truth that is apparent to the majority of us and that is that we are all human beings just being who we are.

Who we are is sort of a big fat deal

Of course, there are a folks who will not ever believe this, and that is okay, because those people are the very ones who should be reading this right now because those people are the very people who seem to think that what other people say about them is the truth, namely if it is the sort of thing that is not that flattering.

There are some folks who refuse to believe this because they believe that they are not good enough to have anyone say such things about them. The bottom line is that all human beings have the potential for greatness.In that greatness we have many options that point us in the direction that we are, as guided by Spirit and the very essence of that Spirit which resides within us, meant to be going.

Thing is, while we are growing up we are molded in the image of what is comfortable for those who are raising us into the human being that they want us to become. That is okay, but the other thing is that, whether we like it or not, our children or the kids who we raise have that thing called free will. Free will is that thing that we are all born with.

When we use our free will, we are doing as we are meant to be doing.

There are lot of people on this planet who want other people to believe that there is no such thing as free will. It is that particular group of people who, themselves, were taught and believe that while people do indeed have free will, there are only certain folks who we share the air with who are allowed to exercise it.

The un-comfort comes from our not wanting to let other people down, even if those other people are the sort who would never bother to think that somehow, they are letting anyone else down with who they are, are letting someone else down by not giving that other person the availability of their own free will choices when thinking in terms of relating to anyone else at all. That is really what happens here, when we think about it, when it all comes down to the idea that our un-comfort comes from ourselves in that we want to think that somehow, we are able to save everyone else from having to make uncomfortable choices.

We must learn to accept that we cannot help everyone, because sometimes, everyone needs to simply get a clue

In my life there are people who I am very willing to help. It is because those who are most willing to help themselves are also those who are most willing to help others if they can. This is the utmost highest form of unconditional love – helping others who cannot possibly even try to help us in return, and our not expecting to be helped back for the things that we do out of kindness and out of the Soul of Aloha.

Even as it is the most wonderful thing to be able to help others, namely those who cannot do anything in return for us, there comes a time when we must choose to be our own hero and see in front of us, NOT the opportunity to help someone else, but the opportunity to refer back to who we were. We must  realize that who we are is no longer that person, and take things from that vantage point, rather than the vantage point that makes us tired, that makes us want for something that is not up to us to try to make happen for anyone else without their knowing so.

It is in their knowing so that we come unhinged, as it is also that point where, rather than the soul within us rising up to take notice and take the opportunity to see, it is the ego self who rises to the occasion and it is through that reckoning that we will see, for sure, who we are trying to help more – this other person (because we actually care about their well-being) or our sometimes energy-vampiring ego-selves who need the pat on the back for thinking the thought that we would help anyone else at all and that we would also receive lots of attention for having done so.

When we are in a state of un-comfort, we are in a state of learning about what we have evolved, or perhaps devolved, to.

Change is not subject to our automatically being turned into the super heroes we are meant to become in this lifetime. Hell no.

What we are all given to being given is that we are brought through others all of these things that we need to learn about ourselves. Other people, no matter who they are, mirror for us the people who we are, the people who we are becoming, or the people who we no longer can recognize as being.

When someone makes us uncomfortable, our inner selves tell us so. When we are in the company of people who are meant to be part of our soul tribe, again, we are told by the very soul within us that this person or these people are our tribe and that they have been gifted to us by the very Mother Goddess Herself.

When we take notice, consciously, that we are being shown anything at all, it is time to celebrate because it is within that energy of knowing that we are granted the greatest gift of all…

…the gift of evolving to our higher selves, one uncomfortable situation, person, thing …at a time…

I Love You All !


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Thanks for reading !! Aloha ! ROX


It doesn’t even matter


The things which we no longer have are the things which no longer matter. The hurt which remains is there to teach you something about you.

“I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.” (Linkin Park’s “In the End”)

I lost my house in Helendale in July of 2008. While it hurt a bit, I cannot lie and say that the world was over with for me, because it wasn’t. I realized quite early on afterwards that it was meant to be like this. It was meant that I would no longer be in that place for the purpose of my having to begin the process of shedding what was once real to me.

What was once real to me was not for me to become very attached to, because in becoming attached to it all, I would suffer the worst hurt ever, which would be the stinging blows to the pride within me that would tell me that somehow, I deserved to lose everything that I thought mattered to me. And again, I cannot lie – the house, while it mattered to me a little bit, the idea that I lived where I lived mattered to me a whole lot.

Where I lived was a huge source of pride for me, but here I am, years later, and I realize that what was the source of pride was not what I thought it was, but rather and only the illusion of what was, versus what it became. What it became was a monster of proportions so huge and so…untamed…that for at least one person who used to live in that house, the loss of it was something that they’d felt on levels that not a lot of people would feel if they were not so attached to that tangible item.

And really, that is truly what any actual standing building that a person or a group of people would live inside of and call home. It is not the actual building, but what it represents. For me, the house represented a place where memories would be made, with neighbors who were some of the most pleasant people I had ever known.

Yet, here I am, seven years later, almost, and things have changed markedly.

I no longer care about the house that I no longer owed a lot of money on. The only memories that I have of that place that can be called good and real are the ones of my kids, of my hula halau, of the treasure called friends who, when I thought about it, are two of the very best people I know and two people who I love immensely. While I no longer own all the vehicles, no longer have access to the golf course, the lakes, I have what can never be taken from me.

I have me.

I have this me.

Losing something as big as the family home is not something that I hadn’t been through at least once in my lifetime, and that is probably why I was okay the day that I have to pack up my entire house, without the help of certain others, and leave that life behind. The reason that life had to be left behind and the reason why that life and the loss of it no longer matters is because even in all of that loss, the one thing that was gained by me was not just “this me.”

I gained, through the losses, the reality of two people who, no matter what, have always been there for me (Hi April…Hi Tim…I Love You Guys!) Through that loss, I regained and revived and recreated hula to become what, for me and a lot of people like me, it was meant to be, which is not a Polynesian review show, but medicine. I gained, through that hurt, a new lesson to work through and to turn into The Sisterhood of The Soul, and through that group of healer women who are also my cousins, have created what is the beginning of things as they ought to be.

And that is not the only loss that I gained from, really. I gained the bravery to confront my abuser, to tell him that we are done and that within but a very short time here now, it will be on paper. I gained the knowledge that even as I have been the very one to have to learn to heal me, without the hurt of feeling like my own blood relations skipped out on me when things got to be really too much for me to deal with, I gained the right to call myself a strong, Stand Alone Human Being.  This does not mean they all skipped, because the ones who mattered the most never did. It just seemed that way at times.

Seriously…in the end, it doesn’t even matter

When we are able to get past the hurt, and when we are able to look at the dragons which once invaded our waking life and our sleeping dreams, and when we can see things from a new perspective, this is when things that we thought mattered no longer matter as much. It is when we realize that we have learned what we are meant to learn from any given situation that our lives will begin to blossom.

For instance, not too long ago, I was very upset with my parents, and it was over something that was a source of pride for me. I won’t go on with what it was all about. I will just state here that the last time that hurt visited me was yesterday, and when I say the last time, I mean exactly that.

I mean that no matter what it is that I want to do for them or for anyone else, the one person who I need to do the most for is me. This is not my telling anyone that you have to be selfish, because being selfish is very counterproductive.

What I mean is that, once we let go of the grip that we have on certain ideals, on certain things that we think we have to have be a certain way, on things that we believed mattered for so long and which really do not matter in the manner that they once mattered, we are, at that point, in a stage of growth. The sooner that we really wrap our heads around this, and the sooner that we accept this one thing, the sooner we will find out the reason that we hurt for so long.

Vice Grip

Lots of us like to have a vice-grip on things that we ought to not have said grip on. When we choose the energy onto which we will hang we have to remember that there are good reasons to hang onto it, and then there are all the other reasons. 

We each have our own reason for hanging on to the energy, or, on the other side of that, allowing the energy to have its vice-grip on us.

There are times when this grip is welcomed, when it is needed and when it is pleasant, and then there are all the other times.

There are times when it is that we do not want the vice-grip loosened, when we would rather bathe our own selves in that energy because it is so very welcoming and so very…much a part of us…that to release it would cause our own energy field a whole lot of havoc…then, there are all those other times.

It is all those other times that we need to help ourselves understand why it is that we want to believe that we are meant to hang onto it.

Recently, one of those two very good friends ended his own struggle with a vice-grip energy that was not an energy that would have helped him grow into the person who he is becoming. It took us months to realize that what he was seeking had been so easily attained that once it was that he was able to allow this vice-grip to no longer have him in that bind of hurt, things just seemed to be much lighter for him. He’d have never made it through the same lesson one more time. It would have wrecked him for the rest of his life in many more ways than only one.

On my part and in my life, even as there is a very lovely vice-grip energy that I am lucky to have whenever I can get it, there is the other side of that, which is the side and the thing which prompted this writing today.

Too many teachers of the Divine seem not to tell their charges that things will be harsh before they are not, and the harshest lessons of all are the ones which come from the people who have been in our lives for years and years. On my part of all of this other side of the energy stuff, my biggest challenge over the course of my life has been trying hard to get my blood relations, at least a lot of them, to take me seriously, to have some semblance of respect for at least how I feel, let alone who and what I am, and to take some measure of self-control when speaking of things that at one time meant something to me and which, at this time, I realize, don’t even matter to me as much as I thought it all did.

Why? Because I know that I am not meant for those things, at all, and until I woke up this morning, it did not dawn on me that what I was being taught has been learned, and that what I did not want to accept was accepted a long time ago in that, I am a healer, a writer, a scientist, a spiritualist…and no where in all of those things does anyone read the word “marketing person.”

Even though that is what I used to be, and in some ways still am (someone has to promote me and my girls…we do fine doin’ it all on our own), in that capacity, the one that I started out with their offerings, I am no longer.

That me no longer fits this me’s life and this me’s needs and this me needs things to be a lot more organized for this me to be satisfied with life in that respect. This does not mean that I have no respect for what this set of people are doing. It means that I no longer have to voluntarily obligate me…this me…to their bidding, even as I easily and readily lend myself to their success.

That You is not This You

You know very well that not one of us, at least not without the help of someone experienced in past life regression, can go back in time, at least not for real. We can visit there, and we can take a few moments there, but you have got to admit that even though right now, for myself included and to a limited extent, might suck beyond all which else that sucks, you have to admit that you would so much rather be this version of you than that other you.

That other you was weak in many areas of your own life, and that other you was someone who, from time to time, you did not even like very much. That you did things that this you would never dream of doing, because this you has built a wall of integrity that cannot be demolished by anyone but this you.  This you loves who you are becoming, and that old you..well, that you no longer exists.

That You no longer exists

Believe me or not, the reason that for some of us, life seems to be very difficult right now is because many people don’t realize that the reason things do not work like they once did in the past is because you are now this version of you, and this version of you cannot do things any longer that the old version of you used to do. 

That might be a little hard for you to wrap your head around, and it takes time to ease into the new you, but once it is that you have done just said such easing into things, you will find that you cannot do things like you used to do them. You will find that it is hard to fit into your old lifestyle, with the same type of people who used to be the people who you would do anything for.

You will find out that even though this you requires a little more than the old you did, once you get the hang of it, you will not look back, ever, and neither will you want to. You will learn that there are times which require you to return to pieces of that old you, but in those times you will be beside yourself with wonder because even using some of what was you, even in that instance, it is the new and improved you. 

I cannot lie – I would love nothing more than to no longer live where I am right now, but, the fact of the matter is that, the old me – she is who used to live in that big fat house on the golf course in the desert, and she is who would be hurt by the words that she is reading right now, and that me would pretend that anything else offered in the way of a new place to live would be just fine, even though that me, on the inside, would be dying a death of the ego on many levels.

This me, however, has been actively looking for that new place where new memories, with all of the right people, are going to be made, and this me, while she can be markedly impatient for good things to happen, knows, just because she is this me, that the perfect house where all of these great things will happen is just waiting to tell me that it is the right one for us. This me might be a little on the strange side (a little?), but this me loves me, and this me takes no shit from anyone when in regards to this me and what this me knows is right for me. 

In the end, our losses are meant to teach us to become the best versions of ourselves. Our pain is not meant to live on forever, and is there to make us aware that we are in need of some “me maintenance.” Our past hurts are meant to remind us that we have been through what we needed to go through in order to get to the person who we are becoming, and the people who we are each becoming are meant to go through this crap called loss, pain, hurt, all so that we can recognize what they are and more, recognize the things that are NOT meant to hurt us. 

Me and This Me need to get things moving right along for the day… please make sure that you know what is worth having a vice-grip on, and more, what you will allow to have a vice-grip on you.

I Love You All !


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Intolerably, Indignantly Righteous

Learning that we are right is one thing. Being a righteous ass hat about it is completely another thing all together.

I learned a few very important lessons this week from more than only one person. In fact, now that I am not an emotionally driven freak about many things, and now that I have had my opportunity to stop myself from getting overly righteously passionate about certain areas of my own life, I have learned that there are times when we are expected to become indignantly righteous about things, and also and more importantly, times when it is upon us each to shut the fuck up and simply just listen.

Just shut the fuck up and LISTEN

Sometimes, we need to shut our mouths, and sometimes, we need, without getting too much in our own way, to stay out of peoples’ business when they are busy trying to make us know something that may well be one of the very most important things that we will ever learn, even and especially when we think we are the bastion of being absolutely and unfailingly right. Sometimes we need to just stay quiet, and sometimes we really just need to listen because in that act of simply listening, we will….WILL…end up learning at least that, more than much else, not only are we not always right, but also, we might be traversing the planet unaware of a few truths that, really, if we would just STOP being so righteously indignant about how right we are and realize that while we are right, that there may not be a wrong, and in fact may well be two ‘rights.’

This new calendar year brought with it the ending of things. Even as it is a new start to a lot of things, and while it might well be that a lot of us who are not that …evolved… might have just followed suit in that they would start their resolutions right away, for the most part, the beginning, unlike the blog about the end being the start of the beginning and how it tells us, basically, that the circle of Karma that we started so as to become a stand alone type human, the end for some people is not the same thing as it will be for those who are in the light of Spirit and squarely in the middle of our own evolution of soul and self.

By this I mean that, no matter what, we are watching our balance become what it is that we have intended for it to become, and in that watchfulness, we have forgotten that while it is great and awesome for us to know this, we have to learn to not only balance it all out, but more, we have to also learn to walk in our proverbial new shoes.

New Shoes

If you have never seen someone who has never worn a pair of high heeled shoes finally wear a pair of them, then you do not know that it takes time and practice to learn to wear them, let alone walk in them. This is the same thing that is happening now in our lives – we are all being expected to wear these new things about ourselves, these new lessons learned, the things that we learned throughout the last year, and most of all, how it was that we fared through it all.

We fared through it all as best we could. We did what we thought we were meant to do, and we tried hard to not lose ourselves in the process, and not realizing we had done so, we lost ourselves anyway, because that is what we were meant to do, supposed to do, and not one of us liked it. Not one of us likes what it is that we are in the middle of right this moment. Not one of us can comprehend much more than what it is that we, ourselves and on our own, have actually been through.

While it applies to plenty of people, there are a very few of us for whom all of this madness which ensued and which we each and all still are trying hard to take stock of the chaos who have not been able to keep our heads squarely on our shoulders. However, there are those of us who, for whatever purpose they have, who are choosing to hang on, NOT to the lesson that was born of all of this, but more, unfortunately, the righteous indignation we have suffered and which was brought about through our own hands, our own thoughts, and the one thing that those people who are thinking in this manner are NOT thinking about is that this is NOT the time to stand there, in all of that righteous indignation, hanging onto whatever it is that you, yourself, cannot change.

You only have the power, no matter what the hell you think, to deal with you. I could have remained angry about something that I came to accept not but a week ago, in fact, a week ago today, about someone who I thought might have had my best interest at heart, only to come upon the truth of what I have always known – that there are people within my own circle of souls who have not been, who will not ever be, someone who is not so righteously, albeit quietly and even covertly, arrogant that they would do what they thought they might be able to in order, not that I would lose my gifts, but that they would – my gifts – be seen as “less than” what they are, by anyone at all.

When it is that we are upon such a truth as that, the sort that is not only thought provoking but, as well, quite life changing in terms of who we know is “for” us and who is not, while it might have been that, at one point in time, we would have become ass hurt over something like it, at this time in our lives, we are, if we are more evolved and have chosen to go through what we have in order to learn, not bothered by it as much as we might have been in the past. And this is only an example of what it is that has been given to us as a gift of the Mother Goddess.

Do not mistake righteous indignation with our knowing, righteously, where it is that we need to become Stand Alone in our power, in our energy…

The biggest thing that I have noticed is that there are people who are righteously indignant about things with only their air of arrogance in play, and then there are those of us who, while all of the madness was happening in our lives and we were not-so happily plodding through it, knew then, when the madness began, what it is that we know now, are staring straight and squarely in the eyes of it, and are more inclined now than ever we have been to do something about it all.

Where it is that we are so very overwhelmed is where it is that we have to look at the reason why. It doesn’t mean that we are somehow more flawed, but instead means that there are parts of ourselves, as our outer and tangible lives will tell us, that we either need to put away, or, give away, or more importantly, through that act of giving away, let go. There are also things that are telling us that we are lacking in certain areas, but that the lack is not really a lacking of anything but rather and only a place where it is our kuleana, our responsibility, to create what must be placed there.

While most of us knows this, there are still many who are living in the arrogance, inside of the energy which is protection through ignorance, or perhaps protection through becoming defensive when in reality there is not a need to defend what we are not understanding, but rather and only a need for us to have at least some clarity about what it is that we believe is the major malfunction of our lives.

Too many people want to blame others on what it is that we, ourselves, have to see to. It is not someone else’s fault if you, yourself, have chosen to stay locked in the pattern that you find yourself stuck in. In fact, most folks who have a clue are more inclined to tell those closest to them that yes, they have things that they want to see to, things that they know they have to do, including this Kahu, that, unless and until it is done, there is no more of anything coming to us but more chaos, more confusion, more of the bullshit that not one of us can claim truthfully that we like.

Of course, getting through all of the chaos also depends on how much time we have everyday.

In a lot of peoples’ lives, the one thing that we each have very little of, because we are the masters of our own existence, is time. It is a funny thing to me to think that we believe we can just simply create time to get it all done. Once it is that the very lot of us decides, like a very few minimum of us has chosen, to look first at ourselves and where it is that we are not completely okay with what we are looking at, and once it is that we claim that we are the owners of that chaos – only then will the clarity and the cognition that we need in order to see to it all, for once and for all, begin to come to us.

It is my own opinion that it is not time that we need, but clarity. It is not time that is going to make this all happen, but our own clarity of thought about where, tangibly and intangibly, all of our stuff should go. Someone very close to me knows what this is all about, to have nothing but complete say so over what is their life, and to have it together in their head, and to see it all in the visions that come to them, and to think that they do not know where they will have time to do this. It is not that easy just shitting another hour out of an already very busy life, let alone day. They are not the only person with this issue.  We will each find that in those closest to us are the very proverbial keys to the kingdom of clarity, and if we are good enough and strong enough, not only to them, but to ourselves, they will gladly school us on some things that we do not realize are not apparent to us, if only and simply for the fact that really, we have no clue what is the truth and reality of anyone else unless and until they allow us that much energy.

Yet, even in this day and age of weirdness and things not of this world are more accepted than they have been in a long while, too many people do not believe that what we want, no matter what it is that we want, is already ours and in manifest. Too many people want to be righteously angry with people in their lives and some want to hang on to that old energy that is not releasing themselves, all on their own, by being kind to themselves, want to blame someone else for the madness that is apparent. For the very life of them each they cannot figure out why it is that things seem to be looking up for a majority of people close to them, and that they are somehow stuck in whatever pot of shit stew they are in.  This is not saying that everyone who is currently in a pot of shit stew is there because they are not willing to look at the mess. This is saying that there are people who just, even as they know it is the best thing for them, cannot let go.

The Righteously Indignant Nature of Arrogance

For most of our lives we have been taught that we have to fight things that we don’t like. Lots of the time those things that we don’t like are not even part of our awareness on a daily basis. We humans are silly and are so because we know better than the way that we sometimes behave. I know someone who is, for all the right reasons, very upset right now. In fact, the whole scenario between this person, another one very close to me, and another person, brought out of them each the one thing that only one of them, at least to my knowledge, has really learned anything about, and that one thing is called forgiveness.

I am not talking about forgiving someone else, but one’s very self. 

Indeed, there comes a time in all of our lives that we can no longer bear the weight of our own indignation, of the very stagnant energy that is the same ol’ thing happening, again and again, in our lives, and we either get tired of it continuing to happen, or finally, one day, we stand up, realize that we are stand alone, and in that energy, we release those who hurt us the most, which in turn releases us as well.

You don’t have to believe what you have just read. You can continue to hang on to that energy that is being righteously angry with others, or, you can come to terms with the part that you have played in the mess that has been created of your own life and you can take the chance to make things happen for you, rather than to you.

It’s like Dorothy never realizing until she woke up that she had the power to change the status of her wanting to go home. All she had to do was realize it.

I Love You All …


Visit my website , read my teaching blog, come and hang out with me at bandbacktogether.com…yup…I’ve written a few books, teach hula as both Medicine and as some of the funniest luau entertainment that a group of employees has ever had the opportunity to take pics of the higher ups learning hula from me…yup…at company parties…of course, I also marry people…I do LOTS of stuff…because I’m just Rox, and that’s how I roll…follow me on Twitter…but above all…smile and laugh a lot – folks will either think you are talkin’ smack about ’em…or you’re crazy ! Either way, it’s just you being you !! Aloha!

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“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. It’s just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head…” (… Metallica’s “Enter, Sandman“)

To be what I am these days…a healer… is somewhat, at least in my life and in my mind, something that could be called somewhat of a miracle. The reason that I can say this is because it took me a very long time to get past all of the things that I grew up learning as a Preacher’s kid. There has always been a very real, very dearly permeating belief in our society that unless you follow one mainstream belief or another, you are either a fake, or you are soul-less, or, my favorite, you are an evil demonic entity and will end up going straight to hell when you pass from this lifetime and into the next.

This line of thinking comes from a place of fear. If I had to break it down some so that it could make a little more sense, I would have to state that the reason that so many people fear the idea that what I believe is wrong is mainly so that, in some cases, the ones who are saying that what I do is wrong does not have to be wrong – and hell yes, this is wrong thinking. Fear motivates us to do things, things that make us feel safer, but in doing so, what we are really doing is keeping ourselves motivated to keep up the madness of being afraid of something that we cannot call the outcome for. This could apply to anything at all. Some people laugh at what I call my irrational fear of spiders, but it is not really a spider, per se, that I fear, but is instead my not knowing what kind of spiders would be able to take me out of this lifetime with one little bite anywhere on my person.

So, let’s take the spider and turn the spider into something that is in my life right now that is scaring the crap out of me. There is something that I MUST do within the next few weeks, because if I don’t do it, the reality is that I am GOING TO have to face more of this …garbage… that I have been choosing to deal with all this time rather than doing the thing that should already have been done, and it dawned upon me yesterday that the reason that I have stalled all this time has to do with fear.

My experience with this particular fear is that it is real, it has been there for two and a half decades, and while it is that, on the top of things I have always known that there is one thing that I have to do in order that everything else which this one thing hinges on can happen. Imagine being in line somewhere to do something very cool, and you get to the front of the line, and there, right in your face is the biggest little spider you have ever seen. The web stretches from one wall to another, and the only way through the web and onto the other side of the line where the fun is is literally to step through the web.

Note that I wrote that the spider is little, meaning that once we get to the front of the line, we can elect to kill the spider and this would not only let us through to the other side where we have waited patiently to be for a long time, but it has the potential to allow others to do the same in following suit and squishing the spider, or, at the very little least, knocking him out of his web or tearing his web down so that you can at least buy time and get to the other side. As easy as this sounds, for people who are not that crazy about spiders, this would be the very most fear-inducing, terrifying thing to have to do.  In this same manner we humans do everything within our power to not have to change things about ourselves so that things that are outside of ourselves and things which we really have no control over can also and at least begin to show us other parts of it so that maybe, just maybe, if we cannot get over our fears, we can at least get through them enough to get to the other side of them, even if it is not all the way.

Our lessons in life are based on what I have been told and makes a whole lot of sense to me- our fears. Whatever it is that we do not want to face and which will help to get us further along on our Path has nothing to do with the physical and outside representation of what we symbolize our fear as. What we fear is not outside of us, but inside, and inside is where we also feel the most terror from those things. I had a terrific fear of not belonging, of not fitting in, and mostly, not only of not being accepted but more, NOT being rejected, by my family, and these ugly things happened over and over throughout the course of my lifetime. It took me a few of these last couple of days to face the fact that I am not going to “fit in” everywhere. In Hawai’ian families, it seems that this is unheard of, but the more that I have taken a step back and looked at it, I realize now that it has not one thing to do with what I have been told all of my life, because if what I have been told all of my life was the truth of all of us, I would not be sitting here telling you all that “family” is a universal term and applies to anyone at all. It is not just a Hawai’ian thing, because if this were truth I would not have felt so rejected and unloved by MANY people in my family, at least one side of it, and more, I would not have had to deal with the weight of their rejection.

I had to face the fear of not belonging, and when I started to do that, I found out that it was not they who were wrong in anything other than being horrible to me. I was who was being wrong in assuming that family is only blood and that no matter what, while it might be true that they love us, they don’t always like us.

Family, as I have proved to myself, is not always what they appear to be, and really, we, as humans, have the ability and even the right and privilege to create our own family from the group of people who we share the most in common with – our friends.  It took me some time to change my rigid thoughts about this, change how and what I took as being the only truth about family, and thought about all the things that being a family entails. When I looked at it that way, I figured out one thing, and that one thing is that no matter where any of us is on this planet, no matter what, Spirit ALWAYS gives us people to share with, to be with, to love and to live with, and lots of times, there is no blood between us, only love.

It is stated that only love can kill the demons, and this is the truth, because really, the other side of being lonely is being able to stand alone in our power. When we stand alone in our power, things are limitless, life is beautiful, and nothing but truth remains, and sometimes, when this happens, the thing that remains is what needs to no longer be present in our lives in the very manner that those things are present in our lives at this time.  If we can see the things that scare the hell out of us as a learning tool and not as the monster that we have been feeding with our fears all this time, and we take into consideration how long it is that we have been feeding this monster with our insecurities, we would be able to also take apart the monster and see why it is that it has been controlling one or more parts of who we are for far too many years already.

Thing is…what we don’t think or believe is really broken within us, we also do not bother to do anything about, and this is the thing that not a lot of us think about when we are stuck in an energy of fear that has weighted us down for possibly very very many years. We are so inclined to adjust ourselves to accommodate the fears rather than take a few minutes to think about things and take a few more minutes to think more about what would really happen if we were, instead of accommodating that fear, more willing to change what that fear means to us.

What my current fear means to me is that I have to learn to face something that is about me, but is not contained within me only, and I have to face the proverbial dragon, because in doing so, I release me from the many years of trying hard to accommodate it without also realizing until yesterday that it has been nestled in the accommodation of this fear that has allowed it to become what it is now.

What it is now is not more than merely an impediment, but, as impediments go, sometimes the changes of them are big and life changing (which this already has the energy of the life changing aspect of it even as I write this), and what may well be the fear within the fear is that we do not want to have to stretch to those life changes. One of those life changes is being able to stare down our own dragons, no matter how we have to do that, in order that our life’s mission can be seen to. In my own case, it is not the release, only, of certain people in my life, but more, their energies of wanting to control. And really, it is not really a release where I have to make them leave my life forever (okay, so one is, but who is counting?), but more a release of my energy of wanting them to be happy, a release of them by me, not physically, but energetically, so that they have the chance to go and learn and grow.

If they come back, fine, if not, then it is yet another thing that I must face and is meant to be this way. Period.

On the one hand, I feel a tremendous weight has been, through the releasing of certain energies which are given through certain people, lifted, even though I feel the void left there. The void is meant to be refilled by what fits better there, by what, energetically, is either exactly like my own energy, or, at the very little tiniest least, is complementary to it. Where it is that one “loss” is a release so those people can learn to grow more into their own selves, the mere thought of the other, while it will and has already started giving me the freedom which is entailed within it, is the one that scares the shit out of me the most, and for what? That’s easy… because I also fear fighting, and with this one thing I have to gear myself and my inner Warrior chick for the greatest, most emotionally heavy battle that I have ever “fought” in all of my almost 45 years traipsing the crust of the earth.

And I know that I at least have to keep this energy, the one that tells me the things that will happen if I DON’T do it. It is the things that are guaranteed to happen in my life -things that I will not like-  that scare me if I don’t do it. Sometimes, namely when it comes to my fears, there are things that I really would love to have my own “cake and eat it” moments, and this one thing is one of those things.

I would love nothing more than to be able to just sit back, ask for what I really would prefer to have happen, and then not worry about it, and I would ask it this way because of all of the things that I have already endured with this one thing that prompt me to realize that on an emotional level with this one thing, I am as exhausted as a person can get. I am tired of looking at it, mulling over it, trying to understand it, trying to just release it spiritually so that it can be released physically but doing so with a vice grip of what I want to happen and ONLY to happen.

Things don’t happen as we want them to – they happen as they need to, and they show up in this fashion as well – as a need that will be filled according to what we need to know we are able to do.

I have known for many years that I can actually do what it is that I know has to be done. The reason that it has to be done is not only for the actuality of this one thing, but more, because without it, I do not get past the fear I have, and without it, others within my tribal soul family may also not get what they need from me, all because of this one thing.  This one thing that I have to do requires the energy of my intention to do it, which, by my own account of things that have nothing to do with this and everything to do with a belief in the power that comes from being afraid and then finally choosing to do something about it to no longer be afraid, the energy behind this choice may well be all that is needed for the thing that I actually WANT to happen. Either way, I know, deep inside of my Soul, that the thing that I HAVE TO do will somehow beget the thing that I have been waiting for since January of 2009. Not too many people know what this is, and it is with good cause…

…because they, too, know that when we choose to do one thing, it begets, as I just wrote, something else, and sometimes, that something else is the actual thing that we waited for, looked for, wanted, needed, desired, or was the dismissal of things that we chose to no longer wait for, no longer wanted, needed, desired…it works both ways and in tandem.

It is through the release of our innermost fears that allow us the greatest freedom. Releasing the fears allows us to be able to fill the void with useful energy and not heavily weighted energy.

We have to think about what we are really doing – losing, or releasing?

Think about it…




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Click here to go to my website – “…just Rox…”


Reader Question : “WHY ME?” (Bruddah, why NOT you?)

We have all been there, and sometimes I still go there, to that place where we throw our hands up into the air, look to the sky and sometimes tearfully ask “WHY ME?”



I get emails from a lot of people wanting to know if I can tell them what their future holds for them. When I explain to them that that is not how all this psychic stuff works, I am met with sometimes angry people calling me a fraud, and when what I tell them has the possibility of happening happens, it is almost an automatic thing for them to call on me and ask me why it is that their lives suck so badly. When I tell them, and actually and also remind myself, that it might not be that life is sucking so badly as much as it is that they are not paying close enough attention to the things at hand that are drawing for them the route to the next place they have to travel on the Path and remind them that when we first started all of this trekkin’ on the Astral thing, that it was not going to be easy and that they would be shown things they did not like, LONG before they would be rewarded with the things that they welcome… they become calm, even as they might not be happy, because suddenly, all the things that caused them to look to the sky to begin with make a little more sense.

You have to deal with the uglies to get to the things that matter

I say it a lot, again, mostly to myself and usually within earshot (or eyeshot online) of those who are seeking what is their own purpose and mission in life, that the Path that we each travel, while it is a solitary one, is not traveled without guidance or without the company of similar others, and sometimes, that guidance is doled out by people like myself. All the time I find that I must remind some of my students that they are going to have to face their demons and they are going to have to take their own lives into their own hands, decide if they are ready to save themselves or if they are still more inclined to stand in their Jesus Christ pose (goodness I Love that song…Soundgarden, in case you were curious) and martyr them on behalf of others who would never even bother in the same manner.

You guessed it – they don’t realize that they can finally let go of trying to make sense of everyone else’s crap and give time to their own crap. And as usual, because they have been doing the things that they have been doing for pretty much their whole lives,  it seems like a preteen being fitted for her first training bra – very uncomfortable. To them it doesn’t seem like it is the right fit. They are not used to not being there for themselves in the way that they are there for other people. They tell me that the way they were raised is to do for others first, sacrificing everything they are for the benefit of other people, saving nothing for themselves and when they get to that point of “WHY ME,” they really are wondering what the hell happened and more, why does it keep happening and I am too glad to tell them why, even if they are not exactly, at that point, crazy about me telling them.

So, to the youngster who tearfully, and then angrily, and then quizzically and loudly asked me “WHY ME?” …well, kiddo, I have a question for you, and that question is “Why Not You?”

Why NOT You?

Why not you? Why not the idea that Spirit and all of and in all of her Wisdom and Power and Glory would choose you to battle through what you are battling through, simply and only because Spirit truly knows what you need, who you are, what you are made of and what you want? We never really know what we want. Most of the time we merely have an idea of what we want, but outside of that, it is only Spirit who has the clue about it and not us.

We think we know what we want, but the truth is that what we think and see and know about ourselves is not as grand and deep as any one of us would like to believe.  We are “surface bound,” the most of us, even those of us who are professionally weird – there is not one of us on this planet who knows totally what we want and for that matter, what we do not want. What you have found yourself caught in the middle of, kiddo, is called a choice, and as far as I can recall, back to my youth, when I, myself, was but a youngster of 23 years old, thought I knew what I wanted – that is, until it was presented to me the thing that I really wanted and when I realized that what I wanted was literally right there in front of me and at that time, I could not have it, but also, at that time, I refused, with a big giant vengeance even, to believe that I would never see that person again…this is how, and more, WHEN, I now realize,  know that my lessons in Spirit and my livelihood were starting to form themselves.  And yep…that situation and that thing that I wanted?

No lie….it happened, and I was right, and I am right when I tell you, young one, that you may want to practice broadening your awareness…so, when you are done reading this, send me that email…anyhow… (check me out…all..momming someone else’s kid and stuff lol)

At that age, we never know what the hell we really want, but when something is presented to us that we cannot resist, and we know that it is ours, as long as we are willing to put in the work involved ON OURSELVES, no matter how long it takes, we are working toward that one energy.

We are never not working toward it, even when it seems that nothing is happening. I promise you that something is ALWAYS happening, and while it may not seem too believable right now in anyone’s head, it is when things suck the most that we are not only learning the most, but also pushing ourselves further toward the thing that we want to see happen. Think about it – recall back to the blog about being in neutral but remaining in a positive neutral state. In that writing there are things that were written that tell us all that when we want something so badly and we are thinking and believing that what we want we will never have (because we are so damned impatient) – this is when we need to form a neutral thought and a thought that is not really positive in its manner as much as it is neutral. The positive energy from the whole neutral thing is NOT for the thing we want, but for ourselves, because all human beings are prone to protecting ourselves, even and namely when the thing that we are manifesting actually means a whole lot to us.

Please do not get me wrong – the neutrally positive thing was not presented to me until but a few weeks ago. Yet, once it was that I had learned (very quickly, mind you) just how dearly important learning this one thing was, once I learned it, it was ON! Once I learned it and practiced it (and am still practicing it) the entirety of my own life lessons suddenly became clear to me, and that one thing that I wanted began to make a whole lot more sense to me…to the point where I am not trippin’ on things anymore the way that I did just a mere few weeks ago.

The reason why it seems that all of our lessons are so …ugh…okay most of our lessons….anyway….is because for as long and as far back as each of us can recall, the reason that we did not go headlong into the fray of things where that one thing is concerned is simply because we did not know that the things that we are faced with that seem like they suck (okay so they DO suck) are the things that we never wanted to deal with but are the things that NEED to be dealt with, because in dealing with them we find the key to the things that we really feel like we are desirous of having in our lives.  

I have maintained, for as long as I have been doing my job as Spiritual teacher and healer, that all of those who learn from me must also learn better and more from their own selves.  The lessons that we are taught sometimes hurt, in fact, most of the times this is the truth. But always, unless it is our time to transition out of this awareness, we make it out alive and well and seemingly with a new glow to us because at that moment and from those lessons…that “OMG” moment….we know a little more about who we are and what we are all about.

It also shows us, most importantly, what we are really made of and how much we think of ourselves, and mostly, it shows us that we are worthy of that one thing. While I will not lie to anyone and tell a soul that there is not one more important thing that I am now thinking neutrally about, I will state that daily, in that energy, just like I saw what was my own instance of “Yay me” not too long ago, I also sense that same “yay me” about this one thing. While this one thing is no way near as important as the last “yay me” thing is, I can say honestly that it is up there in importance and at least in the top ten list of things that are important to me at this time in my life.

So, basically, to that young person who asked me that question and then threw your hands up in the air as though doing so would make this all a little easier to comprehend, the things that you are going through are not without cause and purpose. Our life lessons never are without cause or purpose, because those lessons lend to YOUR Divine purpose. We all have one of those, you know…a Divine Purpose. Just as it is our duty to learn all we can about who we are and our place in this lifetime and in this awareness and on this planet, it is our gift, to see the beauty in the excrement of Life. (think about how many diamond wedding bands have been found while a braver soul than I have gone digging through the “remains” of Fido’s day and you will have a VERY good example of this)

Yes. Gift. Gift because digging through the ugliness of life causes us to stop along the way and put down the shovel so as to look a little more at the pile in front of us, the one made up of all the hurt and all the pain, of all the heartaches that others brought to us and that we, alone, had to deal with. Think about the gold that you found in all of that wreckage and how it is that, sometimes, Spirit sends to our side people with other tools we can use or that they will use to help us dig through the crap., and know now that as much as will be the thing that you so desire is the gift in and of itself, that these others who have shown up are as much the gift  as anything can or ever will be.

Sometimes, it is through those others presenting us with these gifts of theirs that is the thing that we do not realize we are seeking out. It doesn’t mean that we have a chance to put down our shovel and take a break. it means that we have company on the way there. Sometimes that company is welcomed, and sometimes that company is another teacher who we might not even much like. The fact remains that you are learning, and you are growing, and all of the Why Me moments are meant for you NOT to ask me or anyone else what it is that I think of what is going on, but is meant for you to ask YOU that very thing.

I know this makes sense to you…

Aloha….I Love You All…



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