Tag Archives: law of attraction

A Higher Calling …What’s Yours?

triple goddess blue and purple

Do you know the reason why you are going through everything that you are going through right now?

The truth will, or maybe will not, surprise you.

The truth is that at some point in your life, you asked, from the middle of your soul, for things to be different for you, and you might have even believed that you were deserved of better things. You might have watched something called The Secret and after watching it, you might even have gone out and tried out what you saw and perhaps even manifested something for yourself.

The truth is that what you are going through, and the idea that it is in your life, is NOT something only that you have manifested into being, but, is also a lesson that you have called into being and that lesson is connected to what you do and what you do in this lifetime is connected to who you are and your mission and purpose in this lifetime. I say it a whole lot, specifically to those who I coach through my Awareness training – all of everything that we go through, specifically if it harms us and makes us hurt in the soul and is something that seems to have been part of who we are from the time that we were kids…that is what your Divine Purpose is…your Divine Purpose Is your Higher Calling.

What Is Your Higher Calling?

The way that I figured out was my Higher Calling was to step back from my own life and see what the running theme of every lesson that I have learned to this point, and mainly the lessons that hurt me, very dearly, and the ones that somehow I end up using as an example in my work in this world.  Case in point – when I thought about who I wanted to coach, after some thought and time, I figured out that it is not the “how” that we are going to get something done, but rather and only why.

You will not know what is your calling just by the simple means by which you have chosen to do things in the past. You will get there better by figuring out why you want to pursue what it is that you cannot get out of your head. Whatever it is that you are thinking about, even if it is your current job and you have come up with things that you would like to implement in terms of what you do in your duties….that is you answering the Higher Calling of what your purpose is. 

Your purpose in connected to the thing that you have to go through, and by “go through” I mean the things that you have had to deal with and that hurt your soul. 

As much as I hated going through everything that I have gone through over the course of my life, and as much as I can understand why it is that some folks – even those closest to me – do not realize the reason why I do not do things in the manner which the rest of the world does – I went through those things, unbeknownst to me, because I had to. 

Yes…had to

In fact, when we all can’t find a way out of the things that we feel like we have to go through, it is because we have to go through them in order to level up to the thing that we want to happen for us, or, at least will get us that much closer to that thing. We have to get through things that suck because that is what is required of us to rise up to where we need to be. Where we need to be is up to us, which is the most confusing thing to us all if it is that we have been taught that the only way that we can get what we want is to beg your mom’s big scary god guy for it…I know all about that one and how it is that it does more damage than much else.

triple goddess hula

…and really, the way that we know that we are “leveling up” is because we will, at those times, look out into the nothing, or up into the sky through the ceiling, and ask the question, through tears or through the proverbial gnashing of teeth….a one word query:

“WHY????”

It is because I know that the reasons that I have for doing anything at all is not connected to how I intend to make those things happen, but rather and only why they need to happen in my life. Once it is that we are very clear on the reason why we want something in our lives, the how just happens. Bear in mind that the “how” does not happen to us -but is already in place. The how is connected to how we technically and tangibly make things come into our being. So, when I state that we need to know why we want something, someone, somewhere …anything….at all..in our lives…the best, fastest way to get those things there is to know why  we are passionate about that one thing.

Knowing how to do anything is “of the body,” and in order to create anything, we have to know why we are so passionate about anything. I am very passionate, not only about people becoming healed and whole again, but, very dearly passionate about what I do in terms of revealing the Truths of our own inner selves, lives and worlds and that is only and all about who we are in relation to our Purpose….also and better known as A Higher Calling.

A Higher Calling

We are not born knowing what our purpose is.

Believe it. It is the truth.

Not one of us knows what our purpose is. We have to sort of figure it out on our own. There is nothing that someone who can be considered a “guru” can charge enough to make it so that you do not have to go through what you have to go through. Adding to that, there are a lot of “gurus” on this planet who want to make us believe that we do not know what our purpose is and that we will not know what it is until our life is passing before our eyes in the minutes prior to our crossing over. (Been there. Done that. I survived it…and at that point in my life, I thought I knew what my purpose was and was arrogant about it…please keep reading…)

Our purpose and finding it out is NOT something that is meant for us to guess til we leave our bodies. Our purpose is embedded in the things that we go through, the things that we got through, the things that we will still go through. At every juncture in our lives, and at every turn that brings us to a place that feels like harm (and typically is), those are the times that we are being made better, stronger, tougher, clearer, higher purposed..with each and every heart ache.

We go through everything we do so that we can go out into this world and let the world have our words in terms of how we survive the things that we do. Some of us begin early in life, with major losses, and many of us continue to go through things from the time that we are children. I was one of those children. I was not allowed to do a whole lot of things, was not allowed, for the most part, to have what is known as an original thought.

This is the reality that a whole lot of us go through – the idea that we think thoughts that are ours and original, but, as children, our parents censor us …and it is not their fault that they are doing this – they are being parents.

I get it.

I am certain that all of us who are called “mom” or “dad” gets it.

It is at the times in our lives when we hurt the most is when we are supposed to pay the most attention, but we don’t, and we don’t because at those times we are very dearly in an energy of heightened emotional stuff. The emotionality of things is where the gold is in all of our lessons, but we do not know this. We are taught, instead, that we are supposed to express our emotions, and we do. What we are not taught is what to do with those things that we have learned from those times that hurt us the very most – we are not taught why we go through things that hurt so bad.

I can only speak for myself when I state that the way that I have chosen to utilize the pain and every horrid thing that I have experienced is simply to research it, study it, link it to neuro-cognition, learn to use it to teach others how to learn what is their purpose and more, to create the way that the world will benefit from the goodness borne of the things that have shattered us in a gazillion tiny, cutting pieces.

Think of it in terms of this – it is at the very lowest times in our lives that we are being made perfect in our imperfections, and in those imperfections are created the future. The times in our lives that hurt us, that spot weld the things that we learn from and the people who we learn them from in our heads, hearts, souls and memories – even though those times and those things sucked – they taught us.

They taught us in the most hurtful ways, and they taught us in the way that only we would be able to learn – from our own lives. They taught us who we were not by giving us constant reminders of the things that hurt us, things that are not who we are and not what we are about and those things are thrown in our faces, everyday, day after day, until we end up figuring out that all along, what we were asking for was there for us, but was not obvious and neither was it made that way – obvious.

The Harm that Refines

Yeah….

You read that correctly – the harm that refines us.  It is like firing metal to make it a blade and like sandblasting the crud that collects around tiled inner perimeter of a pool caused by an owner just not paying attention to the crud, and when the crud is gone, there in its place is the restored manner which those surfaces are supposed to be, and they are the same surfaces – and sometimes they are made better.

Thinking in these terms we can also see that when we are doing what we are supposed to be doing, even including the things that made us suffer through all of these things that we go through. We can see that in these times in our lives, we somehow, through it all, made it fine and made it out alive. And that realization is also part of all of these things, because that realization is meant to give us guidance in terms of who we are and who we are, as we each and all ought to know, is connected to our very Divine Purpose.

We are all here for a purpose that is Divine and is created by us long before we are imparted into this lifetime. Our purpose is the thing that makes our soul sing, and makes our lives feel like even though they might be difficult, they are worth the everyday push towards our highest best selves, our higher calling…

What are you dealing with right now in your life? What are you doing everyday to make it at least feel a little less scathing?

What have you determined is your Higher Calling?

What, my friends, is your Higher Purpose?

Think about it…

#LosAngelesKahunaRox22

#TheCrabAndTheFish22

.@LAKahunaRox22

 

Advertisements

…like the planter who tills the Soil…

The cultivation of our lives depends upon how we are willing to see and also work with the things in our midst that we would rather not have to deal with.

“…upon us all a little rain must fall…”  This is the last lyric in the song written and performed by Led Zeppelin and titled The Rain Song. It speaks volumes to a whole lot of us for a good reason – because really, in our lives, a little rain has to fall and has to give us the catalyst to at least think about things in a different manner, to see them all through a different lens, and from those two things which can be now seen through a different lens, we can also see how the thing that seemed to hamper our plans no longer is as ugly, foreboding, nasty, painful, disgusting, something we just don’t want to deal with, etc., etc., becomes the very thing that will be what is needed – the seed, if you will, of what is to become.

Becoming. It is something that we are all prone and privy to. But in order for our becoming to …well, become… we have to go through a few things, and those few things are the things that we think will be too much for us to deal with.  Reread that, and see that I wrote think will be too much to have to go through and deal with. This is what we humans do not like very much at all – pain, and things that we just don’t want to deal with.

Right now, in my life, there is one thing that I just DO NOT want to deal with, and it is for no other reason than that, really, I am DONE WITH IT, and really, the Guides need to get up off of their asses already and help me, you, all of us with this – all of our collective yet separate “one thing left.” There are some who have said it would be easy, but that is not the truth, because anything at all where other people are involved is never easy – this is what makes being human so awesome, our ability to hone in on the energies of other people. Once in a while, we happen upon an energy that seems to be immovable, seems to be akin to a light pole in cement and that the only thing, like the light pole in cement will only be moved from that cement with heavy equipment, so, too, will it take some heavy duty guavas for us each to face these things that we each call ourselves being done with.

Believe it or not, our Guides DO indeed get lazy. Seriously. Mine are, at this moment, somehow seemingly on vacation or something, even though I know what the current “as above, so below” thing at the moment is what it is (freakin’ gnarly is what it is). Yet, if there is one thing that I am really horrible at, it is giving up hope. There are a few people who know this, personally, that when I am looking toward something and I have something in my thoughts and I really, really want to see it happen, I am unstoppable. However, at those times, namely when I happen upon what it is that I am looking for, I know that it is in those times that I have been guided by something that is outside of me. Right now there are a LOT of us who are, for one reason or another, in complete and utter turmoil.

The turmoil seems endless, as though someone forgot to turn of the faucet and flooding our lives are these…things…people…thoughts…ideas…whatevahs…that are like a blob of glue that someone allowed to fall onto the living room carpet and which has dried, is stuck, and it seems as though it is going to either be forever, or not at all, that the blob will be no longer there, or that it is harder than hell to get the now-dried up blob to be removed from the place it was left.

There are many dried blobs in our midst, and the thing about the blobs is that they ended up there, somehow, and because of that much knowledge, that they got there somehow, we should also have the knowledge, and believe that knowledge, that tells us that the blob is removable, but that it is going to take some work and some effort. In my case, I know this. I know this very well and there are things and beliefs that I have held onto for long enough for me to still believe them, or at least be scared a little bit to do what I have not yet thought about. If that makes no sense to you, reread it, because always, no matter what, where there is a will to change things, there will always surface the way that may not have seemed so obvious previously, but that is, none the less, one more option.

Options

Options. While in the dictionary definition of this word it means almost the same thing as choice, the two are markedly different. I have explained this again and again, how the two words, while maybe the same thing, carry a different energy within them. Having an option means that there is more than one way to go about a thing, but having choices means that there is a limit. Options are limitless, and choices, even the way that the word makes at least me feel, is restrictive.

However, that is aside of the point in this writing. The point here is that we have lots of options to us all, that there is more than only one way to deal with something, and normally we humans only see that one obvious option without also recognizing that there are other ones. Regardless of the others, to each of them there is going to be a small amount, or perhaps a very large amount, of pain, of not wanting to deal with a thing or two,  of trepidation and of the fear of not knowing the outcome. And really, that is where this all comes from – the outcome that we want versus the one that we actually need. Normally, what we want is not what we need, and sometimes, we get what we both need AND want, but it is not without a bit of effort, without a bit of failure, without some tears, gnashing of proverbial teeth, of things that we would rather just not deal with.

I am no exception to this. In fact, in more ways than only the impatience part of things, I am really no exception to this.

There are going to be times in our lives when we will be faced with things that scare the shit out of us, that make us want to run for cover and not have to look at what it is that we maybe are not really scared of as much as we are tired of it.  If any of us would take a moment to see exactly how far we have each come at this point, we would see how the patterns which we have always had in our lives are playing out and how they will play out. This is not something that can be changed, at least not the way that we think it should or can. This is something that, because of these patterns and because of their absoluteness, we must learn to either deal with them head on, or, work with the energies which are provided by the pattern.

Planting the seeds of our Selves via the ever-constant pattern

If we each were to look back on our lives and look at the gigantic events which visited us, and we could pinpoint those events, while the events themselves might not be exactly the same things that happened throughout the course of our lives, the one thing that WOULD be the same is the pattern.  While it is that we cannot change it, we can do other things within it. That is what this pattern thing is all about.

It is like the farmer who plants his crops and who knows when it is the right time to clean the field in which to plant his seeds, and knows when it is time to plant the seeds, and when to water, weed, and tend to the plants which sprout from said seeds. The farmer just knows that there is a lot of work involved in, not so much growing his crops, but more allowing the soil to do what it is supposed to do for the seeds, and what the sun is supposed to do for the plants, and for the water to do what it is meant to do for the roots of these plants.

In that same manner, we, too, are the ones who are meant to care for the things that we see in manifest, before they manifest, and if that means that we have to weed our lives of people, of activities, of things that no longer serve a purpose or things that are not lending to the greater whole of the entirety of us, then that is what that means. While it might a huge pain in the okole for us to have to deal with the weeds which visit us in the manner that is rage, that is sorrow, that is depression, that is anything that appears to have no purpose, in the end, regardless of the result we want versus the one that we need, everything that is meant to be will happen for us.

And that is like money in the bank

I Love You All

ROX


Getting what you most desire requires patience

There is a whole lot said these days about the Law of Attraction. But there is not a whole lot said about what happens in the in-between time when we are waiting for what is in manifest to become real. 

So, so much is said these days about how great the Law of Attraction is. And this is the truth – when we know what we want, and we know that we cannot do our lives without that thing, those people, that situation, we also know, at least a lot of us know, that it will …WILL take time, and a lot of patience. We human types are not very awesome in the “have some patience” department. In fact, while it is that, for generations, we have been taught to reach for the highest levels of satisfaction that we could, these same people who taught us that it is right and good for us to be all who we can be are also the people who, while telling us this, did so with negative energy.

This means that what should have come out of their mouths as something inspiring, came out, instead, sounding more like a warning, like if we did not follow what they did, who they were, what they wanted, that somehow, who we were, what we did, and what we wanted would pale in comparison. What may have been right for our parents, or their parents, and really anyone who is not us, is not always going to be the same things that we want. In some cases, it will be the very polar opposite. No one taught them this, that we each have the right to be who we are so that, when it comes right down to it, we each can be who we are meant to be when we are meant to be that person. This is lost on a few generations, the ones which had it so much better in a lot of ways than we do. This is not to say that we have it bad, but it is to say that in the grander scheme of things, in the idea that we are to make a life for ourselves so as to brighten the lives of the many, we were not taught a few things.

When it is that you have what you need as provided by someone else, and it seems that the rest of the world believes, too, that the someone elses have it locked, and these someone elses tell people that theirs is the only way that things will work, and then things work, it gives anyone at all a reason to never pause to wonder if there were a better way, or perhaps if there is something more suitable in terms of anything and everything, so as to give to ourselves that thing that is needed in order to get anywhere at all.

It is not the drive toward the goal, and neither is it that we so dearly and badly wish that we could have things be different. In fact, when thinking in terms of what is making it seem as though things are crawling at a snail’s pace, it is nothing other than that we are being impatient for an outcome that we have not allowed ourselves to remain focused on.  Think back to when you were a little kid, and everything you saw on television in commercials that were geared toward you, you wanted it, all of it, and then one day you saw this one thing that you just HAD to have. You go with your mom to the store and there is that way cool thing. You have salivated over it and wanted it and everytime you saw that commerical, the only thing in your head was having that thing, and one day, seemingly out of the blue, your mom got it for you.

This is called focus, and the more that it is like that of that child you once were, the better you will learn that what you want in your life is not farther out of your reach than is how willing you are to remain childlike in your focus, to remain with only the thought in your head that you will end up with that one thing and that as soon as you have that one thing you know that you will feel like the biggest person on the planet. You feel that way NOT because of what you have in your hands and at your disposal, but because you know that you got exactly what it was that you wanted and that you somehow, with and by the grace of Spirit and every bit of patience and even more thinking, not about NOT having that one thing, but never not having it.

Focus, not frustration

The reasons we get frustrated are many. The thing that frustrates us the most comes from us, and it is that thing called impatience. We all get impatient about different things, and we all have different reasons for our impatience, but the frustrations that we all feel from whatever it is that we want in our lives and which is not yet “in the real” in our lives is for a lot of reasons. One reason is that we might feel our lives suck, which, really, they actually might, and another is because we are so needy for things to happen the way we want them to that we are not realizing that Spirit is making things like this.

Yes, Spirit. She is a funny trickster, really, in that the Mother Goddess likes…LIKES to take us all on the scenic route to anything, even the ugly things in life. Wherever we are in our lives at this point is meant to teach us what we have to know about what we don’t know yet. Reread that – what we are learning now is so that as we walk each of our singular paths, even if we have company, we learn, not only to deal with what we are dealing with, but more, so that when we get to where it is that we are manifesting right now, through that frustration we will unearth things within us that are not worthy of whatever it is that we are striving forward to.

If you thought about it in a distant kind of way, we would see the pattern, the machinations of what it is that is truth in manifestation. There is truth in the idea that what we want, we want for a reason, and no matter what our reason is, if there is someone else involved, that which we so dearly and Divinely want will come to us, or, we will get something better, but it will not be without its price. When we vacate certain ideas and energies that we have held for a very long time, it is like we are proverbially cutting off a thumb in that we have to change our thoughts about things. In order to change our thoughts about things, we have to agree with ourselves to do so. When we agree with ourselves to do so, we are making a pact with the Goddess, and no matter what, the Goddess NEVER doesn’t collect.

While She is collecting, we are, in one way or another, hurting. We are hurting because the pain that is so dearly there to begin with is revealed to us in a manner that sometimes is not the way that we intended for it to happen. We try as we may to hide things, to get away with things, to take shortcuts and everything else that we can think of to avoid the pain, but in the end, it really just does not matter because by the time that you are through the turmoil, you have learned a lot about you. What you have learned about you and that was painful to you was that you had to look at you, perhaps for the first time in your life, and you had to say goodbye to something or some way of being that no longer served you or your Divine Purpose in this Lifetime.

The frustration is meant to be a catalyst, a thing that makes you want to get to where you want to be faster, but there is the thing involved in all of this that is we all have to pay the piper, all have to dance with the Goddess, all have to do what we have to do in order to get to where we are going, and all of that entails a little thing called looking at yourself. As it stands at this moment, not one of us is perfect. At all. As it stands at this moment, there are lots of us who are dreaming of the perfect life and the perfect mate and the perfect job and the perfect whatevahs, and we want it to fall perfectly and without any kind of crap getting into our way, into our lap.

The frustration, as sick and as odd as it sounds, is meant to be there, is meant to be the thing that you need so as to know what it is that you do not need, do not want, would never invite into your life. Things that frustrate us teach us about what we don’t want to experience again, about what hurts us to the core of us and how we do not have to hurt in a similar ways that we might be hurting right this moment. And that is the frustrating thing about all of this manifestation stuff, that we have to have patience and that we have to go through whatever it is that we have to in order that we will learn something.

I am taken to the thought that in our lives, we know that we are meant for better, that we are meant to seek out things that will thrill us and that will somehow fit into our lives.  There are so many of us who believe that since they arrived on this planet, that they are somehow entitled to EXACTLY what they want, and the bitch about that is – like Mick Jagger has been crooning for years – You can’t always get what you want.

And the lyrics are correct when followed by “…if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.” They are correct because even as we each tend to want to hang on to the idea that we know what is the best, not only for us, but for everyone else involved in our lives in any manner at all. What happens to us, in regards to being frustrated and there being other people in our lives is that we start seeing these other people getting in their lives what they want, and some of us who are a bit more douchey than others will, in all of their frustration, latch on to these people, believing that just being in their presence will somehow, via osmosis or something like it, ramp up the speed to what we want getting to us faster.

Now, imagine how frustrated you are going to be, or perhaps have already been, with these people when you see them getting theirs and you are there frustrated and angry because you think you have not gotten yours. The simple fact that, at that moment, you are being taught a lesson. I know this because I can see the lessons playing out daily in my world, of people wanting what they want but not seeing what is there for them to learn through these other people. What are these people doing and how are they going about getting what they want? What is their energy and what is their attitude? All of these things and more all play a part in manifesting our lives.

It is not easy not being frustrated, or impatient, or feeling like the kid at the birthday party – his or her own birthday party – who has been made to wait for their own piece of the birthday cake.  What is easy though, is paying attention to everything that you are not paying attention to. When it comes to that point and you want to throw a tantrum, stop yourself, and really look at, with your Spirit’s eyes, and see there what is NOT there that all these other people in your life are showing you. You will know how it was that they got to where they are now if you pay attention to everything happening around them. You will see that they have a certain air about them that is one of ease, one of trusting The All That Is and the greater energy that is universal.

You will see there that they have yet to let go of one thing about them, and that one thing about them is that they know patience, they know focus, and they know what to do with that energy that at one time was exactly like yours is – frenetic, harsh and seemingly slowing you down. And really, what seems like it is slowing you down is not really slowing you down. You are focusing on the thing frustrating you and not on the thing that you would rather have, which is whatever it is that you want in your life.

You will have to learn patience, but that comes with learning to focus, as the two go hand in hand. You will have to accept that what you want WILL take time, perhaps a lot of time, even a lot of years, but if you have learned what you have had to by this time, you won’t even see the thing that you are looking for coming to you and when it finally gets to you, it will be almost unreal, as though it somehow is a dream that you never want to wake up out of.

And once that happens, there is no turning back, and really, you won’t want to go backwards. In fact, you will be too happy to look forward because at that point you will have gained the proverbial keys to the kingdom.

And yes, it really is just that easy. Learn to be patient and then sit back, pay attention and watch what happens all around you.

Be prepared to be completely amazed at just how very dearly powerful you really are.

I Love You All

ROX

1WHOWANTSTOGETMARRIEDMEMEBENTON PIC RJB_NEW_PO_AO..MEME

RandyJayBraun.com

 


Making the case for every day of the year

“…Love is all around you…” (Tesla’s “Love Song”)

Often, right around this time of the year, the questions about love, about finding love, about all things love begin to be emailed, texted and chatted to and with me. Most of the time I am asked if I know when someone’s twin flame will show up, or if I know that anyone at all will find Love at all.

You can imagine the responses that I get in reply to the things that I send back to ANYONE at all about why it is that, at least to me, it should be Valentine’s Day everyday where love, for anyone, regardless of who they are in our lives, is concerned. Of course, when you are like me and your job in the world is to be the very conduit of Love and healing for just about anyone who I come into contact with, whose lives I happen to happen upon, for whatever reason it is that I have to be there at whatever time it is that I appear on the scene and in their lives, Love is the easiest thing in the world to do. To simply Love others is just who I am, is exactly what I do, and is how I navigate the open waters of Life.

Yet, we all seem to get a little too…ugh…right around now. Right now it is 3 days prior to Valentine’s Day 2014. Right now there is an entire population of men (and women, too) who are very dearly not looking forward to this coming Friday. And who can blame them? I mean, really – when you think about it, why is it that only one day a year are people more inclined to show, through measures of gift giving, of gifts of Love, when in reality, it is our job to Love people anyway, our job to be able to be empathetic toward anyone at all, walk a few feet in their proverbial shoes, and know, for sure, that they are worthy of this thing called Love? Why are we only so concerned with how big of a diamond you give to her, and why are you only concerned with wearing anything fun underneath those mom clothes but one time a year?

What the hell is wrong with a society which chooses to remain permeated and inundated with a token of Love, when in reality what we ALL need, no matter what kind of Love it is, is the real thing?

Because loving others means that we have to be real

Love, in all of its forms and energy, cannot ever be pretend. Think about it for a bit and you will know that I am right – ever tried, for years and years, to Love someone who was SO cantankerous, so, so, SO acidic in their own views of things, of life, of what love is supposed to be, that eventually, trying to keep up with THEIR ideal just seemed like it would be the wrong way and the wrong kind that was offered by you?  Is this the reason why I am not too very…I don’t know…not one of those people who is inclined to see things in the same way that anyone else would when it comes to things as big and important as loving anyone at all, no matter who they are, for whatever reason it is that they need it.

I learned a long time ago that loving anyone at all should not come with conditions. I had a lot of conditions placed on me for a lot of the time that I have walked the crust of the earth in this lifetime. None of what I was shown throughout that time, other than one instance, could be called or even named as being what is the truth of unconditional love. I think it is sort of a deal breaker when anyone says that “He/She better KNOW that I want one of those (insert lovely gift thingy here) or ELSE!”

Really? Are you kiddin’ me? You mean to tell me that all this time, I have had it wrong? I am not supposed to give or expect to receive back anything remotely even appearing to me to be the truth in Love as it is meant to be? You mean that I am not supposed to care about people, and I am not supposed to know their pain, not supposed to offer them what they need when they need it, and it is because of WHAT????? ARE YOU SURE????

NO ONE- and I mean NO ONE at all can or will convince me that Love, no matter what sort, is only meant for one day of the year. I will not ever believe that the only day of the year that we are required to show love to anyone else at all is February 14th. I have never believed this way. I have always been able to Love people, in the manner that they believe that I am there to, no matter what. I have always been able to see  the good in others, always been able to just deal with and digest the ugliness because I see others only through the eyes of Love. This is my purpose in life – to Love, and it should be so with all of us, because all of our singular purposes in this lifetime are tied to the energy called Unconditional Love.

Unconditional Love is NOT something that most folks want to believe that only Christ was able to give – I beg dearly to differ.

If your dog can do it, then what the hell is your problem?

Your dog…yes, your canine buddy (mine’s name is Kimo – he is the Killer Ninja Puff) has Unconditional Love down to a science. He knows that he is there but to Love, to trust and to have your companionship. You, as his human, give him the same thing. Your excuse as to why it is that you can’t give love to other humans like you do your dog is because you can’t trust humans like you can your dog. This is a problem. This is THE problem. Did anyone ever stop to think that the people anyone at all cannot trust in anyone at all’s singular life is mirroring to you at all the real thing that is underlying your own issues with other people? I mean it is really very simple – learn to trust you, learn to trust your intuition, learn to trust that you are good enough to be loved, and most of all, practice loving you.

The reason that a lot of people do not ever trust anyone else (and I get it, I really do) is because they cannot trust themselves. They cannot trust themselves to trust someone else, because in trusting someone else, they have to be able to let their guard down and let anyone else at all, in. They cannot trust that they will never not be hurt again. They cannot trust that they will be strong enough to handle the dings to their ego when other people tell them that they are not perfect. They cannot trust anyone to not only see them in their glowing light as much as they cannot trust them to also NOT only see their darkness.

People have a hard time trusting others because for forever and five years now we have been conditioned to only see what bad can happen, so we completely cut ourselves off from the good in others, good that is all for us, given by them. People have a hard time trusting because, yes, they, you, me , we all have been so hurt, so battered, our hearts broken into a tiny million pieces, over and over again, that it is of little wonder that we have not already completely wiped out the population of people on the planet. We have learned very well to hate, and we have learned well to judge others for who they are not. We have learned to see only what we think is wrong with someone else, not realizing the things that we see there in them also lives within us. We are so busy pointing out what someone else’s imperfections are that we cannot even begin to see it when someone else points ours out. That is when the hurt is the biggest, and it is not because they pointed it out, but because we refused to see it there when so clearly there it is.

If you could have just one wish

Think about it for a minute – if you could have one wish become true, you would pick something that would not be finite or tangible, but would give you what you needed in order to have that tangibility. If you could have what you thought you wanted right this moment, instead of bothering to look at you from the inside, out, and you could see there what it is that makes you unique and apart from everyone else, would that one wish still be the same, or will it have changed? And, will it have changed according to what is best for you, or would it change to be something that would accommodate someone else – anyone else – so that you would be more acceptable to them and according to what THEY want, not only from you, but from a lot more than only you.

When someone else tells us that they have certain demands and conditions that must be met (or else they will find something else to ‘fix’ us, or, they will simply find someone else who is, at least in their heads, more acceptable to their ego’s senses), that is not Love. I don’t know what to call it other than bullshit. I know what it feels like, though. Very well, I might add, the energy that is never being good enough for someone else and the energy that is telling someone else that unless I am worth a few freakin’ lousy dollars spent on flowers and a bunch of chocolates, that they are not worth my time. This is SO wrong, on SO many levels. No wonder why people think they have to score points with anyone at all, just to get them to take notice that the other person has taken notice.

That is SO manipulative and creepy, so wrong and so…abusive, on an emotional level, that I can barely stand it! I mean, don’t get me wrong, because really, I like presents, and all those other things that all women love. Yet, I am not going to put any sort of pressure on anyone, ever, to prove their worth to me – in terms of people, at least where I am concerned, you are either worth my time, or you are not. If you are worth my time, you will know it, because I am not shy about telling people exactly how I feel about them, no matter who they are.

If you are not worth my time, that, too, will be very obvious, because I don’t waste my time with people who don’t even bother to see me for who I am. This is not to say that because I might not say hello to you everyday, that I don’t want to be friends or that you are not one of my most favorite cousins. It is to say, though, that no one in my life is required to prove how valued I am by the show of trinkets. No one who I know and love, and no one who knows and loves me, is ever, or has ever been held to some secret pact made that says we have to prove anything to one another.

It just is. That is all there is to it. There are 365 days in a year, and every couple of years, 366. We can manage, I think, to find one thing about anyone at all that is love. And love is not only between two people, is not only romantic, and when it is romantic, it should also include a modicum of friendship, because that is where we first learn to love others – through our friends and the people who we have spent the most time with throughout our lives. Sometimes we find that there are things about them that we might not like, but the love does not go away, ever. It remains the same as it always was, and becomes bigger and more real as time passes.

When that happens, and you have been through the wringer more than one time, you begin to know, for sure, that everyday should be marked for Love between human type folks.  Love is something that is given in the form of energy, and yes, sometimes trinkets. Yet, to expect trinkets to be the ultimate show of Love is somehow lacking. Some people just don’t get it – opening a gift is great, but knowing, everyday of your life, that you are special…

…that is a gift in and of itself, every single day.

Love, everyday. Don’t put so much pressure on what is in the heart shaped box. Doing so may make it so that there is so much pressure that eventually the bubble bursts.

The only thing left will be the energy that is that of the goo brought about by too many expectations placed on one person who loves you every single day of the year.

Think about it. Seriously.

I would rather be someone’s reason to smile everyday, than someone’s reason anyone feels required to buy me something one lousy day a year….

That’s not Love. That’s a box of chocolates and flowers that will eventually die anyway. Yeah yeah… I know…it’s the thought that counts…

So, what are you really thinking about in terms of what Love really is?

Oooooh MAN! Y’all weren’t ready for THAT one, were ya?

Haha….yup, you know it ! I TOTALLY know what it is…and of course –

I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

RJB_NEW_PO_AO..MEME

Please visit RandyJayBraun.com to see the rest of the “Women of Hula” collection

WIsdomFromAWiseAssMeme

Come on…you know you wanna look at my author’s page haha


Like Christmas in February

There is not a whole lot more that is quite as delightful as knowing that all this time, you were right !

I won’t give anyone the reason why I feel like this. The people who need to know why I feel like this, know. (Okay, so I gotta tell April why but that is neither here nor there). I thought I was dreaming, but it turns out that I have been handed proof that we are powerful.

I will tell you all that this, proof, was twenty years in the making, that it took me quite by surprise the way that I was shown my own power of manifestation, by the way, and through whom, that proof showed up in my life as soon as – maybe two or three weeks ago, now? I don’t exactly recall when, I just know that that which was recently manifested has made me think about one thing – if I can manifest something as big, beautiful, life changing, gentle, important, into my life, I can manifest anything, really.

The best part is that you can, too. I know this. Because just as I was handed that proof, basically on a proverbial silver platter, I, too, served as being said same proof for someone who is fast becoming a very big part of this second half of my life, and really, I could not be happier. I am guarded, but that is to be expected, and it is because of all the other garbage that I have gone through just to get to the point where really, in my mind, I don’t know if I am coming or going – manifesting one’s own desires, in short, kicks ass.

Like a shiny new bicycle

All of the horrible stuff that we have all gone through has not been without a good enough reason. I know, I know…lots of hurt still swirling around in the cosmos, and I also know that as soon as we can face that demon of hurt, as soon as we can see, too, that the void we feel is slowly becoming a void no more, and once we can accept where we have been, we can guarantee that sooner than later, things will begin to change, and suddenly, we feel like a kid on Christmas morning when they first set eyes on that one thing they so truly, dearly, with everything in them, wanted.

I know that it is not impossible to have everything in your life that you want. I sit here, completely beside myself, not only on the idea that what has occurred began twenty years ago, but that my theory of thinking back to that time, that whatever it was that broke us back then, in the time that has passed by, we have, to this point, created the answer to the situation, and the only answer was that we each needed to believe that what we needed would be also what we wanted. You will have, in the time that has passed, either come up with the reason, or have manifested the only answer. I manifested the only answer. For a long time there were things about me that I believed, and they were not the nicest things to believe about one’s own self, but believe them I did.

Then two decades went by, and here I am, telling you all that while I know it is the absoluteness of the Pisces, that we believe, it does not only apply to the idea that yes, we believe in faeries and elves, monsters and demons, but we also have a gentle powerlessness that is simultaneously our own mechanism of empowerment. It was through my weaknesses that I made it this far and this long, through those things that were not quite perfect that the one wish of the Soul came screaming back at me. Loudly.  I will admit to wanting to dive headlong into the fray, but stopped myself, knowing and thinking that it may not be what I think, may not be what it used to be – I am glad I was right, because it was way, way better than even my ability as a pisces to believe the most ridiculous things.

Yet they are not ridiculous. It was no where near ridiculous, the thing that I wanted so dearly, the thing that I never dreamed was not too far from me. I wanted to cry, wanted to scream joyously at the very top of my lungs, and really, even as it was not a holiday, it sure felt like one.  I did not scream, but my soul did. 

Just like a kid on Christmas morning.

It is in the ugliness of life that the beauty is spawned from

We all have lost, so, so much, but I will remain glued to my thought that it is never for nothing. The things that we each have gone through for many years were meant to bring us to this point. At this point we must look back and piece together the things that are most memorable to us, good or other than good, think about and perhaps even dwell on not what it is that we want, but why we want it. Once we have the answer for the “why” we can go forward, remaining neutral to the things that we do not see in manifest.

I could not have been more delighted, really, and not for more than the proof that is the bigness of my own Soul. I am huge on the idea that who we are is reflected back to us through others. I am big on the idea that once it is that whatever is still there and is hurting us, that those things will be what are the catalyst for us all to seek our power, to find out that we are awesome at this Soul power stuff, and that as long as we all think like good little fish, believe that we have the power to bring to our lives at least something which represents the actuality of things, we also, at that point when we choose to believe this way, open wide the door for the actual situation that we see in our minds to also be as good and as big a possibility as anything would be.

It was my Gator who kept up after me to never just be walking my bull (Lunar Taurus here), who told me that I really needed to let my truth show and just let the shark swim in the ocean of un-reality. It was April who told me that the thing that I so wished for was upon me, that it would be with a lightning quickness and that when it happened that I would hear her saying this to me, and I did. It was my soul mother, Noreen, who, three years ago, told me that it would not be what I thought, the way that this played out, but that it would, by the time that it mattered, make all the sense in the world to me AND that I WOULD BE a VERY happy little land shark…

All of them were right. I am sitting here beside myself, wondering how on earth this all came to be. It was with a little help from my two Soul Sisters and our Soul Mother, with a lot of wild piscean imagination, and yes, a whole lot of pleading with Spirit to please take away the ache from what I thought was gone forever and never to be had again, at all.

How to have your own Christmas all year long

I won’t lie to you – manifestation takes great focus and a lot of patience, it takes a belief in the unbelievable being able to be. My friend Melody Fletcher, the one to whom I refer to as “The Snarky Puppy Chick,” and who lovingly responds always with ‘How are you, Feral (Kitten)?” She is also a part of this, as a teacher and a pal on the other side of the world, who told me, around the same time Noreen said it, about how I have no idea what was ahead of me, that I needed to believe that I could have that one wish.

I have that one wish. I saw it with my own two eyes, and no matter what anyone else thinks, again, I am a very happy Kahu right now, ecstatically so, even.

You can do this, too. I say this because of all of the people who I know, I am the person who I know is the one who may have all the high aspirations of getting what I want to have in my life, but am also the very one who was less inclined to believe in my own ways and powers of manifestation. I used to stare enviously at my dear friend Scott (hello bassist), at how fast his manifestations became reality. I asked him once how he did it, what was going through his head, and his answer was like magic – “Rox, you just don’t think it won’t happen- that’s how I do it and how it happens…” and he was right.

When I set out to manifest what I manifested, and when it came into being, I was, all at one time, taken back to every single conversation I’d had with every single person I’d had it with, regarding our power to manifest. I am likely one of the only Pisceans that anyone knows who refuses to throw caution to the wind, who is the doubting Thomas of all doubters, who, at one point in her life, had very little belief that I would have the luck that I have with this one very big, very important thing.

And yes, it is that big, that important, that life-changing. It may not be that way for anyone else, but for me, it is. I am not sure of what is way more awesome – that I manifested this to happen, or that I was powerful enough to manifest it. I didn’t need to pay anyone to teach me this. I only needed my Soul Tribe to be there for me, no matter what, so that when all else failed (and it failed a LOT…but with VERY GOOD REASON !), they would (and did…thanks April, Dannie and Noreen…all my guys…you guys are the BEST!) be there to help me piece back together my tattered soul, my broken and shattered heart, and the me who is still a very much younger me, still very much the one who, for the life of her, feels like a kid again.

When we least expect the greatness in life to reveal itself, it happens upon us in remarkable ways. When we think we want something else, it is with a swiftness that Spirit comes beckoning us to show us what we need, in the form that we need it, and most of the time, want it to be. What I needed was what I also wanted, and nothing else would be the same as that one thing. There were situations which could have been thought of as being what I wanted, but when I thought about it, it was not. In fact, it was the opposite. I could only hear April telling me to be patient, Dannie telling me to not cry because the Mother Goddess knows what is best for any of us. It was Noreen, who, in her beautiful, Cancerian mother-like ways who was and is always there to help me see what I could not or what I refuse to see, and Jimmy who never ever let me get the best of me. I will admit to being a woman who has some set standards, and many of those standards, I am remiss to say, made me think and do things that eventually only cracked me in the soul a little more.

Once I took heart and heed to what my fellow Seers could also see, and interpreted differently for me, things became crystal clear. Soon enough, the path became brighter and clearer than it had ever been for many years.

Then one day…

…Merry Danged Christmas ! In February even !

If you want something in your life badly enough, you have the power to make it be, and not only make it be, but make it be way, WAY better than you were willing to settle for. I know this, for sure.

I have living proof.

I am living proof.

I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

a072a-careofthesoulmemerjbpano1hula

My Soul Brother

Randy Jay Braun – Hawai’i’s Camera Artist

 

 

 


Full-Circle

We all know that when one circle is completed, that another has been fully ignited…

I see that I am not the only one for whom many circles have been made full over the last six months. We all have been waiting, and for the very life of us we know not what to do with this part of the winding down of certain things and of certain ways of being.

There is a whole lot of hopelessness at the moment. There are marriages ending, and there are people losing jobs, and hope, and what no one seems to think about (that is, unless you are somewhat the same way that any Professional Weirdo would be) is the fact that once one circle is made full, already underway is the starting of the closure of more than only that one circle. We humans like to think or believe that we have control of everything, but really, we don’t. We have less control over things than we care to accept.

Once we can accept things as they are, we begin to notice our own patterns, and when we can sense and notice our own patterns we can also sense when these circular endings and beginnings happen. I will not elaborate on too much of my very own recent circular endings, but I will say that after the past six years of my feeling like I have nothing and have nothing to give, I find myself very incorrect in that idea, because within that idea, as coupled as it is with the other idea that we have to also lean on our egotistical selves for our answers as well as our Soul Selves, in that idea are the seeds and the clues of what is next to become a part of our lives. At this point in our human lives, and after all of the nastiness that we each and all have been through to this point, we should be well equipped with all of the things that we need in our lives to handle it all.

There are a lot of us who are prepared, and many more who are not. Those of us who are not will find it very difficult to take me for my word on this when I say, to anyone, that the best is yet to be. If we are patient, we will know this, all the way down to the very Bones of our Souls.

The things in our lives that have left us feeling naked and open

We feel like we are all on stage somehow. Some of us are used to it, but too many of us are not, and we are in the spotlight via our own behest of it. We are seeing the things within us that we are not very proud of knowing about ourselves, but I must remind you all that whether or not you realize it as the truth, what you are seeing in front of you are either the remnants of what was and is no longer needed by you, or are the beginnings of a few things that you, yourselves, have asked Spirit for, and here they are…the fun part is that unlike any other time in our lives, whether we think it is the truth or not, they are ours and we created them and hell yes – even though a lot of us are not ready for the bigness of things to come, they are just about here.

It is because, for the most part and for the most of us, we have been readying ourselves now for about two decades. In that time we have evolved into the people who we are right now. If you think back twenty years you will understand one thing – you may not be that same person, but you have those same inclinations, and all of it is about Love of the Self and of the Soul within. For that long now, we have all burned, have all hurt, have all been proverbially gnashing our teeth because for that long, we have been learning and gearing ourselves to this point.

Up to this point, things seem as though they are really a mess

Things are this way and with good reason – because collectively we are not all on the same page and need to be. There are always going to be people who just refuse to wake up, refuse to see what it is that those among us who are dearly enlightened to the evolving of all of mankind on a global level. They are scared. They like the way things are, even though as they are right now, things kinda suck for a whole lot of people.

If it were that I believed that things were always meant to suck, that we are all bad people and we all deserve this garbage that we are all going through right now in some manner, I might not also be able to sit here believing that I am right when I say that if we looked at all of our lives, and thought about them in the singular sense, and thought, too, that the reason we are going through whatever it is that any one of us is experiencing, we would KNOW that it is all meant to be.

Yes.

Meant.

To Be, even.

My initial thought is that we have, for so long and throughout the recorded history of mankind, just accepted the idea that there are people who tell us what to do, and that there are people who are told what to do and that the majority of us are really very tired of pulling a heavy wagon that is not ours alone.  I am also thinking that it is about time that we each and all chose to be who we are, because, as I state, over and over again, who we are does not really change, at least at our core.

My greatest example is that I am always going to be me, but that over the years, I went from being the me who got me to this point in time to being who I am now, and that as time moves on, I will still evolve, while the core of me will always be a Pisces whose feet are firmly planted in the idea that I will never not be who I am. This is the same for all of us. Even though I will never not be who I am, how I feel is always subject to change to accommodate the conditions.

This is the same for anyone, everyone, really, and it is without reason that we should be fighting who we are. It is without reason that I should care more than I do about anyone who was bad to me throughout my life. The human being part of me wants them all to hurt like I did, but the healer tells me that my job and my lot in life is to be and to show compassion to every person and to impart to them the measure of Love that is the unconditional sort.

We do not get to choose who will come into our lives or when they will show up. Every person who graces us with their presence and we ,them with ours, is yet one more chance to get the point across to one more human being that there is a lot happening right now in the cosmos. We all know the drill – as above, so below. It makes me wonder why it is, sometimes, that if there is all this unrest and dissatisfaction with one another, why then are we still bothering with trying to save someone else when there is so much within each of our selves that needs to be seen to, healed, forgiven and let go of?

I’ll tell you why – it is because for centuries, we have been conditioned to believe that the most wonderful thing is to sacrifice, everything, even and all the way down to who we are. No one ever thinks that, no matter what – no  matter what your pastor says, no matter what your parents told you as a kid, no matter WHAT – you can never ever change the core of you or of who you really are, so why is it that so many of us are still trying to cram our circular selves into these societal square holes?

Societal Square Holes

From a time long before a whole lot of us were on this planet, it was the prevailing thought within the psyche of mankind that people are unruly, because people can reason, meaning that people can make choices. The ancient politicians had no means by which to keep their minions under control. Knowing this much gave them the edge they needed in order to create mass population control, through means of spiritual and religious manipulation and fear.

And yes, I am going to sound VERY judgmental, and it is not usually the way that I roll, but I must, at least this time, when I say that having grown up in a Hell fire and brimstone family that was “guided” by the God of fear and the very same God which seems to not be very loving at all. I grew up with these sorts of parents, the sort who, Goddess bless them both, and as much as I do very dearly Love them, remain, to this day, afraid of what the God they kneel to and practically beg everything from will do to them AFTER they are gone from this lifetime. Why would anyone want to believe in a deity who would turn them essentially into slaves? Why would anyone want to ‘worship’ a god that will turn you out into the hot coldness of this lake of fire I was raised to fear so dearly?

Because. Just like anything else, when fear is the tool used in order to guarantee complete control over anyone at all, it is what will rule your life. 

Fear cripples and stifles us

Humans…we fear a whole, whole lot of things, and most of the time it is not really an actual fear of things as much as it is a paranoia about things like whatever it is that we are afraid of being exactly what we want them to be, good or bad.

Fear, though most of the time it keeps us safe, it also cripples us. It makes us mistrustful of ourselves, and this mistrust causes us to mistrust everyone else and everything else, too. By mistrust, I do not mean that you cannot trust, materially, what others give to you, but instead is a mistrust in ourselves. Whatever it is that we feel about ourselves is what we will give out as the energy we have to give to other people. If we convey that we trust everyone, though, we get taken advantage of, dearly. The only way to counteract those things is to learn from them by going through what we have to go through. 

I HATE rejection, a whole lot, but I can deal with it, because I have been given a whole lot of it throughout the course of my almost 44 years.  I find, really, that a whole lot of people who do not like being rejected for any reason also are the very ones who employ tactics of rejection toward others, and also that these very same people who do like like rejection but feel privy to give it do give it in heaping amounts in the most ugly possible way that they can humanly think to.

Let me tell you something, folks – whatever, no matter WHAT it is, that you employ toward the giving of understanding of you to other people and that which hurts them, you will also experience those very same things, same emotions, same feelings of rejection and hurt. And you who are like this – you demand to know why it is that you feel the way you do. It is because you proverbially want your cake and eat it, too, but you want everyone else to feel like the kid at their own birthday party who is made to wait and to be the last one to get their piece…you know, when it essentially becomes a big messy bunch of melted goop that no one – not even a fat kid who loves cake – wants to eat . We expect people to accept us as we are, but we expect them to be their highest, finest selves where we are concerned (and ONLY we are concerned). We want Love and we want to feel secure in the idea that others Love us, but we, ourselves, want to continue being the Overlords of DoucheLand as much as we can muster being…all to avoid rejection by people who, we, ourselves, judged harshly enough to repel them.

For the life of us, we seem to not want to hurt, but we also do not pay attention to the patterns that create the circles of our lives so that we can know when it is that we might have to hurt (Yes, have to). It is these circular patterns which bring us back to where we need to be, not perfect, but as good as we need to be at the time that we need to be who we are at that moment. We cannot be the perfect picture nor model of perfection – our lives would be dull if we were all perfect. Imperfection allows us to be able to see ourselves in others, to notice how we are very much alike, even as we are each as unique as are the fingerprints we each have that belong only and exclusively to us.

We share our lives with people who are like us, and with those people we see our own selves as we pertain to them. Whoever they think we are in our lives is none of our business to try to change their minds about. Our business is merely to go on about learning who we are through the mechanism of Spirit called “Other People.” Sometimes what we see there will mirror exactly who we are, and in that moment we find that we are the epitome of imperfect perfection, which is as it should be.

You are at this moment in your own history because you wanted to be here and you wanted to have all of these things in your life, both good and yes, bad, as well.  You are here and now because you, on your own, without knowing so, created this moment, probably long before you realized that what you wanted when you wanted it that would not be exactly what you thought you wanted when you first wanted it, and here you are, in the now, and that which you wanted is upon you.

My only question is, no matter what you think of this moment and whether that opinion is good or bad…

You brought this moment to yourself.

Now, what are you going to do with it?

Hahahaa…yep…there I go again…making you think. 

I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

e4c5b-weddingsbyrevroxmeme

Please visit RandyJayBraun.com today !


We can only change ourselves

Life would be easier for us all if we just accepted that we cannot change other people

A big fat lesson in my lifetime has been that I can only change myself. Try as I might have, over and over again, I could not ever change another person. It was me who had to change, and me who still has a lot to learn in the area that is getting my way. I know…that sounds pretty awful, the idea that I would write that I want my way. Who doesn’t?

Who doesn’t want their way, all the time, and namely when it comes to making other people see who we are, or see who they are in regards to who we each are? Who are we to judge another person and the way that they are, versus the way that we are, and expect them to do what we know we would not and cannot change? We cannot change other people, and it is futile for us to believe we can. If there is one thing that I have learned about a man these past almost 25 years is that when it comes to the lives and the ways of being that is anyone else who is not us, when it comes to them doing anything for us at all, it is best, it is wise, it is for your best interest that anyone at all learns the truth in the FACT that change is best left to the people who might not realize that change needs to be.

And that is where the bitch of it all is at – while we are, on our own, powerful enough to change who we are that is to our own benefit, and therefor making it also beneficial to others that we have, on our own, begun the changes needed (because no one wants to hang with anyone who can be considered an Overlord of Doucheland). If we can see in someone else the reactions to our words and our actions, and we can have the experience of bristling at their words and their actions, somewhere within us each there is the molecule that is the energy which represents the need for us to grow, willingly, out of the safety net of “usual.”

“Usual”

Usual is that word that, in my opinion, means “same old,” “boring,” or “not quite ready to give up the old for the new.” I am a Pisces. Usual prompts me to start sounding like those sportscaster guys who like to say “Come on, man!” and makes me think of things that are getting old and stale. “Usual” means sterility, and life is not sterile, even though there are people who believe that “the usual” is the best option because in thinking of “the usual” we know that there is no change there, at all, and none willingly being brought to the table by anyone.

I get bored with “the usual,” and for a long time I was expected to be the “usual” type person who just settled into life once the kids were born. Nope. It was because of those three kids that I knew I had to change myself if it were that life would change for them. I will not say that life has always been a pain in the ass for them, but I can and will say that there are no other three kids on this planet who have seen and gone through what they have and who have been, in a short five years, been made almost fearless in the idea that they know who they are, and they are daring in that energy, daring in the thought that anyone will tell them that they are wrong for simply being who they are. They are not axe murderers, and they are not sicko pervs, and they are not kids who are not well behaved, not well mannered, not loving or giving. They are amazing kids, really, and while I know that any mother will say these things of her own kids, I have to say now that after I have watched them go through a lot of loss, a lot of heartache, a lot of watching me go at it verbally with their father (over the things that I chose to change in me, which did not prompt the same in him…meaning that his astro chart is true and right…) a lot of watching me cry over what their grandparents were not and still are not willing to see…a lot of bullshit, really….my three children are stellar. And there is not a person alive who will be able to tell me that I am wrong.

The things that they have seen changed them, made them more able to deal with things that their own father still cannot. The things that they have gone through caused them to be a lot more willing to see both sides of anything, to be able to discern what they can from things that are unclear to their young psyches. The things that these three kids have seen in this last set of five years is enough, in my opinion, to give reason for any kids to turn to drugs, sex, suicide, but they did not fail to those things. Sure, the thought has crossed their minds, I am sure, and there HAVE been times when I wanted to smack the piss outta the oldest (because prescription opiates ain’t no joke…but still, he is alive and well and knows what his pain is about…good boy…Mama is proud of you, boy), times when the girl should just have left her hair alone (because Mama knows what it is like to NOT get the attention that I needed, and if pink and blue hair is your way, then so be it, baby girl…I still Love you enough for my heart to explode), times when the little one should have been put on medication for anxiety over not knowing what would happen next (and yet, here you are, in all your 9-year old-ness, funny and still able to make your mother wonder about you and just exactly how intellectually superior you truly are…that’s my boy hahahahahahaaaa) – the three of them have all outgrown the stereotypes, have all made a mockery of what they typically should have done, but didn’t.

It all happened this way, I believe, because they learned very early on that they cannot change their dad, but that I am more prone to change when it comes to their emotional security (they know I give a damn about it). They have always known that there is not a lot that I will not do for them, because of them, by them, and that, no matter what, the changes that I have willingly made had them and their very emotional health and stability in mind and at heart. They have always known that no matter what, and no matter what happens to me, that I have always made them the center of my attention. There is nothing in the world that can change that. Not one person will ever make me angry with them enough for me to forget who I am to them and what it is that they need from me.

You cannot change other people, ever, so don’t even try to

At this very moment, I am suffering a crushing blow, to my pride, my ego, and my level of who I truly am. The things that I would not put up with I am suddenly putting up with because of these three kids. And really, it is nothing to the person who is doing the crushing, nothing to them that this is really, truly and terrible pain that I, apparently, have to go through. It is not enough that I have suffered much for this person to understand what, exactly, this does to me, and I doubt that their little time in the fray is doing anything to them, because apparently this is meant, and I have to, again, suffer such an indignity.

Yet, in it all, I know that there is really not a lot I can do about it. I cannot change this person, at all, and they are going to do whatever it is that they can to make me know that no matter what, that which I have already been through with them is apparently not enough, and again, I have to suffer, and this time, it is real. This time it cuts me to the bones, the very ones where my soul is. This time, it is the madness and the suffering that I have already done enough of, that no matter what I am told, it still will hurt, because of the actions that have been already taken in the past.

It is times like these that make me wishful for better, wishful for things that I am deserving of, because this is not one of them. The idea that I am not enough for this one thing just creates in me the things that I have worked so hard to not have to deal with, and the issue is not anything other than that I cannot change them, and on my end, I cannot change further for them, for their benefit, and I am not going to even try to. I am expected to just be okay, but I am sitting here, right now, tears rolling down my face because again, I am expected to just accept what is there and in front of me.

Some things, I cannot change, and at this time, the one thing that apparently I am not good enough for is the idea that my heart has been broken to the point where I am not sure that I want to try anything at all, anymore.

But still…

I Love You all

Rox

 


%d bloggers like this: