Tag Archives: impatience

Willingly, Walk…

firewalk

The only way to heal from anything at all is to run headlong into the proverbial fire and willingly walk through it to the other side

If there is anything at all that I dislike, more than anything else, it is waiting for something that I know is going to happen, to ultimately happen. Of course, every human being on the planet is always waiting for something, and really, the waiting that I am writing about is the sort that we wait for what seems like a lifetime. In my case, it is the end of one part of my life that will, when it happens, bring to a stop a whole lot of other things that somehow have the same sense of energy attached to it. I totally understand the idea that some things have to happen for other things to happen, it doesn’t mean that on the way to those other things happening that we will not end up having human being type moments, and the sort that reintroduce to us, sometimes through the same people or situations they’d come to us in the first place, to the pain through the harm that most people seem just to put in the back of their minds until later when they think they can deal with it.

Later, I find, rarely, if ever, comes.

Waiting until later is not an option

Okay, so that is not entirely the truth. We can always wait until “later” to fix the things within us that are bothering us all the time, or we can just choose to not believe that we can do anything about those things at all and through that choice will continue to experience things that do not resemble change that we can witness in our own lives and in our own selves.

This is not something that I just made up a few minutes ago, but is rather and only something that came as a realization to me over time that told me that this time, when I felt the pull of the Universe beckoning me in certain directions, and when it was that those directions that I have been pulled in landed me somewhere familiar but was also harmful I started to believe that in order for us to experience the changes that we so dearly seek out, the first order of change has to be within.

Okay, so I didn’t just figure that one out.

I already knew that one. I suppose that the thing that I figured out is that even when it is that we believe that everything that we need in order to further our own selves is in order, there is always that chance that we have missed a step, have overlooked something, or, in my case, simply just do not want to deal with those things any longer. I just do not want to deal with people who like to harm others, and I just can no longer tolerate the harsher energies of them, but in order to not feel the energy at a constant, I have to willingly feel the energy of right now.

The energy of right now tells me that I am almost “there,” even though I am not really that sure about where exactly “there” is, even though, too, the “there” that I have arrived at up to this point has been magnificent, has not been the sort of “there” that was not welcomed and was and is indeed the “there” that is the most “welcome home” feeling I have ever known.

The “there” in that one very uniquely special and particular manner is good, great, awesome like nothing else, is rock solid, is what it was meant to become to this point, there are other “theres” that I have come to recently, and, as well, those are as nice and needed and almost as reassuring as the welcoming energy is and that was already described a few sentences ago.

It is the rest of the “theres” that, while I am not having trouble with, at least not at the level where I know that I am stopping my own flow, the part that I am having trouble with is the not knowing when the end result will be, because always, and with exception to the first “there” in this set of “theres” that you have thus far read about, there is always going to be that measure of having to prioritize what is seen to next.

I will be honest with anyone at all when I say that the reason the next “there” that I need to get to is not more than it is right now is not for any other reason than that really, I just have hoped for so long that it would just simply roll out of my life like a turd rolls downhill, but, nope…looks like I have more work to do with it, and I am fine with it, even though I have been working with it rather than working on it.

One does not work with the flames across which they will walk; they work on them so as to make them as hospitable as possible, given that it will be their bare flesh on the soles of their proverbial feet that will literally feel the majority burn. Too many people will tell others that it is all left up to mind being over matter at any given time, but when it comes to the things that matter the most to us in terms of what we no longer want in our lives, care and time must be taken, just as much as care and time must be taken in order that we have other, more pleasant things in our lives to look forward to.

It takes times for a home to be situated in the manner that the residents prefer so as to make it as welcoming to them as it can be, even as the home itself is new to them, their own waking lives are not.

It takes time for someone whose entire life has been marred by emotional harm from others to be able to poke their heads out of the hiding places they have created within them so as to breathe in the daylight and to know that they are not alone, and time to actually learn to trust themselves to trust other people. I know this one personally. It takes time for anyone at all who has gone through anything at all to not think in the manner they thought that may well have brought them to this place where they are now.

This place where I am now

I could sit here and tell anyone at all the dramatic story of my life to this point, but I am bored with telling it. More than that, I am sick and tired of reliving the crap that I went through just to get to this point.

Believe me when I tell you that strange things happen in my life all the time, but that I could not have seen my life at this point being how it is right now and in the manner that it is right now is the strangest thing of all.

I am ecstatic and thrilled for many areas of my life, because those areas are working like somehow, to this point, this is what I was meant for, these are the people who are meant to be with me at this point, and this is the way that things are going to be from now on. I could sit here and think only about those things, which would be really nice if that were possible. And really, it is possible, but, just as much as those things are possible, to deny the things which need my attention simply because those things are possible is careless and reckless and most human beings cannot just turn a blind eye from the things that they know need their attention.

While it is that we all know that certain things absolutely need our attention, there is that thing about us all that makes it so that we would rather NOT look at those things or work on those things and sometimes, the work is NOT about making those things tangibly change but is about accepting that change is happening now and happening whether or not we are ready for it to be that way.

You see, when the Mother Goddess needs us to be all we are able to be, versus all that She knows we are already, She presents us with a lesson. Right now, my lesson is NOT about what people think of me and not about what I can do for anyone else and is all and only about my being able to accept things as they are slowly…sloooooowly….coming into being.

Thing about all that is that I have accepted things like they are for so long now that I have to now retrain my brain to not be so tolerant of the things that I have been through and that I have allowed into my life through that measure of tolerance of people who believe that because of one factor or another, they are somehow allowed to be …icky.

Icky People and Karma

I know how Karma works. It is all about the intention. It is the reason why any teacher of weirdness will tell anyone at all to be careful what they wish for because they might get that one thing. The other thing that no one ever thinks about is that every thought we think carries energy, and if the strength of emotion behind that thought is pure and regardless if whether that thought is perceived as “good” or “bad” is how anyone at all creates their own Karma.

I have written a whole LOT about Karma and the way that I know it works. What no one thinks about though is that when we are teaching anyone about Spirit, most of us do not think, too, that we need to explain this karma thing a little bit better than we have been, and the way that we have been explaining it for too long already is that “what comes around goes around,” and there are a shit  load of (ahem) “religious types” who like to put it in our faces that when we piss God off, we stand to go through hell-fire and brimstone and that is that.

(What an awful, shitty,pansy-ass way of manipulating people.)

Reality is that, as I have stated in the past numerous times, whatever it is that we truly and dearly want for someone else, no matter what it is, we will end up with that, for sure, but also, for real, we WILL END UP FOR SURE ALSO HAVING TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE WHAT WE HAVE WISHED ONTO SOMEONE ELSE…of course, there are those times when we are trying to balance things and in balancing things we have to do things that we have to do, because really, there is no other way about doing things.

We are not really told, at least not point blank, that in order to walk the walk, we not only need to heed our own talk, but, we also have to truly be willing to walk that walk, meaning that we HAVE TO walk through the fires that burn us to our very core selves before we can rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

We have to be able to tell others what it was like for real, what happened in our lives that would bring us to this point where we are on our feet but feel like we are on our knees and begging for mercy when in reality, the only thing that we actually have to do is stand up and become stand alone.

Can’t walk if you are in the crawling position.

In order to walk one must be able to stand.

In order to stand, one must have the strength to brave the coals beneath your feet, looking only at the end of the fire walk, to the ocean which waits on the other side.

Once it is that we stand and walk, we also allow a change in perspective. Once we have a change in perspective, and once the paradigm within us regarding anything at all has changed, we can begin seeing where it is that we ultimately will be in the very near future so long as we willingly walk the path of fire.

So do yourself a favor…get up off of your knees…you have no one to beg anything of…

…stand…and walk…willingly

I Love You All !

ROX

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Impatience

Impatience. It is that thing that irritates us all. We are more inclined to want to believe that our impatience is because someone else made us be that way. This is not the truth. We are impatient because we know that better things await us…far better than what we are seeing to right this moment. 

I will be the last person to tell anyone else that they need to be patient. I mean, I will state now that I have been known to tell others, mainly coaching clients, that it would pay off a bit if they could garner the energy that is patience.  And if you think for a moment that I do not listen to myself and apply what I tell anyone who I am teaching anything, you have another thing coming, because always, before I apply anything that I am teaching, I try it out first – you cannot know if something will work or even be part of another’s healing if you, as a healer, are not personally aware of the outcome. I am one of those healers who, no matter what I am teaching anyone at all, truly knows what I am teaching people and it is because I always try before I have anyone else apply what it is that I am offering them as a method of self-healing.

However, I do have the tendency to grow into a very impatient person when it seems that things are not doing what they are supposed to be doing, and more, when it feels like I am doing a whole lot for anyone who is just NOT getting it in terms of learning. That is where I am right now, with myself, because apparently I have not yet learned to be fearless when it comes to doing things that I just would rather not do. I am like every other human being on the planet – I want things to be easier for me, and really, I have the right to want that, because I know that my whole life to this point, no matter who thinks or says what, I have had a hard time with a lot of things. My life has been a struggle. Emotionally. The thing that I know will make it be less of a struggle is what I am having a hard time with right now, even though I know…KNOW…that once it is that I do what I have to do, that struggle will be over with.

Yet, still, I am impatient and more than that, I am, in a manner that I do not understand, afraid to do this one thing. There are other options, but they are as appealing as this one thing. The difference between all those options and this one thing?

This one thing guarantees that, in the physical sense, I will be freed, permanently, from the last thing that is keeping me, at least in my opinion, from a lot more good things that are already in place. And it is fucking with my patience, everyday, and more, it will, if I do not do SOMETHING soon, begin fucking with my physical health, and hell no I don’t want that…but, there is that thing…that fear of the unknown…it is there because my whole life I have only had the instance of being told that something bad will happen if I do something as selfish as this one thing. I know I am not selfish. I know that I am not bad, but given everything already, with very few (but VERY VERY IMPORTANT) other happenings in place that have caused me to think about what is more important? My level of impatience at this moment, or the idea that doing that one thing will make things (I want to believe) a whole LOT better…because the balance, the pono, will be restored.

This is not my saying that I am always impatient. It is rather and only my saying that there are things that are …I don’t know what to call it all or describe it all as…making me want for the things that are already here, that I know are on their way to me, and all of them are great things. The thing that I believe is making me very impatient right this moment is that I know what I know, in the sixth sense kind of way, and I can see it all, feel it all, sense all of it, and every bit of it makes me giddy with excitement akin to that of a school girl.

Then there is the other side of that giddiness – the side that tells me and that inner school girl that there are still dishes to wash, beds to be made, people to see off to wherever it is that they are intended to go and to be, and all of it is going to take my working on it all, because all of it directly affects me and my life, and most of all, my level of patience, and, as well, my level of fairness in terms of what others need from me as a healer.

And really, I am very well aware of the fact that I indeed need to take a day off from other people and pay attention to me more, because none of this impatience with other people will ever go where it is meant to if I am sitting here ALWAYS doing my work in the world and never taking a break from it, even for one day. This is not my saying that I do not take breaks. It is more like me saying that it is time that I and quite possibly many others like me to start looking at ourselves and seeing there why it is that at this moment, a collective of us are brewing in a shit-pot of impatience, and a lot of us are looking at what everyone else is having materialize in their lives and the majority of us are like those kids at our own birthday parties being made to wait for a piece of cake that was made for us, because it is our day, and we are being made to wait, or so it seems, for everyone else to get theirs. When we finally get ours, we are able to drink our cake that was made for our day…through a fucking straw, which disappoints us and makes us impatient for better things…and it can go on and on like this for weeks at a time.

Sometimes, at the end of those long, dragged out weeks, and after a lot of working with people who we wouldn’t even really have much to do with if they didn’t need our help, we find ourselves drained and wanting for more of the things that as healers, we totally need, and right now, in my own life, I am aware of what it is that I need exactly, and more than that, I know very dearly and completely what it is that I no longer need and what is taking what seems like forever for those things, ways of being, situations and yes, people, to no longer be here.

And really…the ONLY thing that I continually ask is NOT when it is gonna be over with, but why it feels like whatever I was meant to learn has been learned, and that the thing that is making this drag on and on is indeed me and my fear of doing things the way that I know I should do them.

Doing things the way that I know I should do them has not been done because of one thing – I am scared to death of creating a Karmic energy that I cannot reverse.

Yet, I am not sure what I am more afraid of – that the Karma could be created through the balance that is needed, or that deep down inside of my soul I will have to live with what it is that I know that I HAD TO do, and still have to do, but the unknown part is what keeps me at bay. Being kept at bay, for someone like me – someone who actually LIKES to get things done so that they do not have to be dealt with any longer – causes me a whole LOT of impatience.

It gets tiring, in the manner that is almost like dragging a dead weight behind me, a weight that is strapped to me with a vice grip of knots, and then I, in that vision, look down and realize that the weights are not actually tied to me, physically, but that they are tied to the belt loops on the jeans that I am wearing when I have this vision.

The thing is that indeed, I know that I could break free of this…weightedness…but the way that I have to do so could cause me to be exposed to things that, with my pants proverbially down, could really be not that great. Yes, I know…the pants down thing is temporary, but if most folks know how many times I have had to suffer the embarrassments that I have had to in the past, have had to endure with my soul exposed like it has been, you might also understand why it is that these days, there are not a lot of people who I trust when I am in the middle of this energy where it seems that my choices for gettin’ things done are…ugh…and ugh-er, and I am just as far past done with so many things that, in choosing to NOT do what I have been afraid to do for a long time…well, it seems like all I am really doing is running in circles that have only purpose in terms of keeping me at bay longer.

Running in circles, the only thing we get is dizzy

Sometimes, I know that I feel like the only thing that I am doing is running around, again and again, in circle after circle, only to end up right here, like I am right now, feeling like this is it for me…the grand un-pleasurable experience that is being made to wait for things that you know are meant to be, not only the way that you want them to be, but also the very way that you have been shown, through your own visions and with the help of some deep, dear meditation, what awaits.

Yet, when does the time come when we are no longer waiting for whatever it is that we are being taught is finally learned? When does it seem as though somehow, the reason that we are running in circles is not because of anything other than being scared that what we do will cause things to become harder in the long run for us.

We could end up very dizzy, and not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense, and when that happens there are so many ways, due to the energies that we emit, that in our thoughts there will be the one thing that we ignore, the one thing that we know we have to do, and the one thing that we have to trust, even though we cannot call what will happen should we do what we know we ought to and want to, is ourselves. Instead, we trust the karmic return on what we know we needed as being stronger than the reason that we know we need what it is that we need, what it is that we know is making us impatient and most of all, what it is that is making us so not be who we really are.

Impatience with a situation will certainly make a person not be their best highest selves

Perhaps I am here today having the biggest, yet quietest, tantrum that I have had in a very long time, but to say the very least, I believe that once in a while, we are all permitted, even expected, to have them. I am frustrated, really, with the idea that maybe what I am dealing with is NOT only the physical reality, but more like maybe something on the other side of the veil perhaps is playing with me, daring me to do things and fail in my trying to not do things the way that I have done in the past, because in the past things were done without a lot of thought, without a lot of concern for things that could happen.

So, I suppose today’s blog is more like me telling you that when it comes to things that we know we need, things like patience, things that will make things better for everyone involved, and we know that this is the truth, and the thing that stops us in our tracks is something that we also know is the truth, it is of tantamount importance that we weigh what means more to us.

I am not one who does not know what is and is not important to me or my life. Yet, it is the unknown part of all of this, the outcome, essentially, which, on one end it is needed because in doing what I need to do, what I want to do, what I may well have to do, it will cause more than only myself to be at peace and to live at a level that I am meant to. On the other hand, I also know that this is a lesson in no longer fearing what I should not, which is the power that I have been gifted with to make things pono.

I would like to know about some of your own experiences with impatience and feeling the weight of a decision that must be made in the manner that you know it has to be, and then going ahead and making the right decision for everyone involved. Feel free to comment…just be nice when you do

As far as this choice I have to make?

I’ll let you all know next week when I write the next post of #TheManaoBlog

Until then….I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

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