Tag Archives: Hurt

The Wreckage that We are at Times

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The propensity that we have towards not feeling our own pain and believing that we can handle our lives without feeling it is what today’s post is all about.

You can all call me a whiny bitch all you want. I know the truth.

I know that I am strong and resilient, and I also know that there are going to be things that happen that will test my resolve, as things have for the last month, and will mess with my composure, and at the same time, show me not only what I am made of, but what others are also made of. I found out that I am not made of sugar and spice, but rather  a collective of memories that I keep having to live through everyday, just so that I can get through them and over it all.

What I am, right this moment, is someone who is a ball of jumbled emotions. I am, or at least can be, very adept at not feeling what I am feeling at any given moment. I have been that way for a long time. No matter what, though, this time, and these emotions are not going away if I do not acknowledge them. 

And Goddess-bless certain people for trying to lift me out of my mood…I have been made aware by my Spirit Mother and Sisters that I have to feel them, because if I do not feel them, I cannot know how to help anyone else deal with them. This is not my copping out, and is not my being a martyr – this is simply my being the constant Shaman in training, the very one who willingly traverses the Path of the Black Flame. (And yes I do realize that that is also the title of a magazine published by the church of Satan but..it is surely not the same thing…please…keep reading…)

I am realizing one thing – when it is that we are supposed to go through a lot of bullshit, the Universe will serve us up with a ton of it, and no matter what it is that we are thinking we can do to avoid a lot of things that we do not want to deal with, deal with those things we will. I am writing SPECIFICALLY about myself in that, if there is a person on this planet who (a) does not like watching other people suffer, (b) would rather be the one to absorb it all for anyone else, and (c) is learning that in my wanting to do for them what it is that they are learning, I am not learning. What I am not wanting to learn is how to navigate my silly Pisces okole out of this madness.

There are a lot of people who will tell you that if there is one person who has the ability to bounce back from the bullshit that seems to have always plagued my life, it is me.

However, when I look back into the years that I have been able to do the escape artist thing, I find that I have done myself no favors at all, in fact, and those non-favors have led me to have to seek help from other healers. Once it is that I can get past all of the things that broke my heart, no matter who were the ones who’d done it (and mind you I do know that PLENTY of them meant no harm…), no matter how much I do not care to face yet one more little tiny bit of bullshit, face it all, I must. 

Face it all…

I am reminded of the …cute…nature of Disney character “Dory” from “finding Nemo,” with her famous mantra being “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.”

There is not a Pisces on this planet who does not know what this is like – the idea that in order to survive the insanity of the ocean of emotion, we have the choice to keep swimming.  In nature, fish have no other real defenses, not even the big scary ones, and it is the reason that most of them swim away from danger. I mean, even in a fish bowl, a fish will try to swim away from something that it senses will hurt it. Try it at home if you can, and you will find out that I am right – stick your finger into a bowl with a goldfish in it, and while that creature will, at first, be curious about the thing that has just come into its watery abode, once it is that it finds out it cannot eat it, said goldfish will swim as far away from your finger that it can, just so that it can remain safe. This is natural for them, to swim from what it is that appears or they sense to be not food or to be some sort of predator coming for it.

Using this same analogy, if it is that we stick our finger in the fishbowl too much, and once in every while we actually touch the gills of the fish in the bowl, eventually that fish is going to chafe, and eventually that fish is going to have a very different response to its own curiosity – and that response is called fear. We fear that which we know is not comfortable, and we fear that which we have no idea about, and we fear whatever it is that we have denied long enough so that we could, at least for a little while, not have to fear those things. Yet, we forget that we have to go through all of that shit, have to deal with the things that we are not exactly too thrilled about having to do.

And yes, I have indeed have had very much enough of that thing called “all this bullshit.” I have had enough of all the hurt and the heartache, to the point where now, if I do not face it all, I will be dealing with more and more of this manifestation of physical pain in lieu of facing the inner demons of simply just not wanting to hurt anymore. It is one of those things that, unless you are me, are my twin flame, are particularly close to me in any manner, you are not going to have the reality of this thing that I am experiencing. This thing that I am experiencing is called pain.

Pain is the indicator light

We human beings ascribe attributes of non-human things to ourselves. I like using a car for my own. Because I have had a lot of difficulties lately with my own vehicle, I can truly say that my Wonderbucket and I, at this moment, have the same issues. The differences are obvious – it is a car. I am a person. It is not running, and I am still breathing. However, my vehicle ran the distance until she was tired, and my vehicle worked hard for me even though I knew that sometimes, she just needed to be parked under a shady tree for a day or two, and always, my vehicle did not let me down. While she may never run again, my vehicle, no matter what, will always be the place that I am able to find solace.

Not only is my vehicle out of commission, my ambulation has been hampered – knee injury…happened whilst performing a labor of Love and a labor of Love which I would do, again and again, and would not bat an eye at it if I ended up, every time, injuring my knee. That I have an injury is one thing – it happens to the best of us. That I have a knee injury specifically is the thing that makes me shudder a little bit in that, hula is danced from the knees and the feet, and through this injury, I have been shown exactly how much not only my legs and my ability to walk, dance, move about, actually mean to me and more, how much my life is not the same, albeit temporarily, without my Medicine Dance.

I have learned a whole lot about myself, and the one thing that I have learned as of this moment is that we all have that point at which we can take no more. Even as this might be true, while we can take no more is one thing, but that what other people are bringing to us that we can take no more of we HAVE TO be able to tell the difference between what is meant to hurt, and what is an attempt that, through our emotional guidance, we are not privy to having to deal with any of it, if that, at any moment, is what we are finding ourselves having to do so as to not have to absorb any more pain, no matter what.

Other people who do not know us and who do not care about what their actions have done to our lives as a whole are, regardless of what we want to think is the truth, also learning. But, I am finding that these are the sort of people who will, without even batting an eye, place the blame of their actions of shittiness onto the people who they have created wreckage for. I am reminded of those who deem themselves “in charge” of anything that has no meaning for anyone other than them. I am reminded of people who take their “manager name tag” and shove it in the faces of the people who they think they are superior to. These are the people, by and large, who have created the very most havoc in my life and in the lives of those particularly close to me. These are the people, I have to believe, want to believe, will try to exact it as being believable even if only to myself, do not know have already, for themselves, started the loop of Karmic grief.

Karmic Grief

This is the part where I give you the cosmic “aaaaahhhhhhh,” and the part where I remind us all, namely myself, that things that suck and feel like they will end our lives as we know it are temporary. 

Don’tcha just hate it when some damned spiritual person comes along and reminds us that everything we are going through is temporary? I am one of those spiritual types and right now I dislike very much reading my own words, but, I have to read them, because I have to believe them, because if anyone wants all of this burdensome bullshit to be over with, it is me (and a few others very close to me). The thing that I like calling “Karmic Grief” is the other side of this pain that collectively, many of us are feeling right this moment.

I would love to tell you that they get theirs when we want them to, but that is not what happens. What happens is that they get theirs when it is most pertinent to the thing that they are exacting now. This means that if someone in your life, regardless of how close you are to them, and more so if you cannot stand them, has harmed your heart and soul in any manner at all, no matter how much we want to see them suffer what it is that we are suffering, it will not come to them until it means something to them that whatever it is that they are putting us through they too will go through.

For instance, there is a woman I know of who likes to behave like a man, and it is proved by the way that she treats men. I am not going to sit here and tell anyone that I can tell you how or when her karmic grief is going to get her, but what I will state is that, without a doubt, it is coming for her, and she will be helpless to do a thing about it when it does. If she does not learn from the havoc that she has wreaked onto at least myself and one other person, then she will end up going through that same measure of grief again and again until she learns that she is not allowed to make peoples’ lives hard and practically ruin them just because she has that material power to do so.

Material power is different than soul power, because material power is finite, while soul power is infinite. (Think about it) Using one’s material power (physical, real or imagined, bullying in one way or another) is easier than going with what your soul is telling you to do. It is your soul’s power that prompts any one of us to ultimately look at the pain and feel the compulsion to deal with it, even though we know that it is going to suck…badly. Using our soul’s power makes us focus on ourselves and not on the things that we see in other people that we, ourselves, cannot “fix” for ourselves. When we cannot “fix” something is when we are being told that what we are faced with is something that we have to deal with, that we cannot turn from, and that ultimately will make us far stronger than the weakness that we are feeling right now in the material. This does not change things for any of us, at least not topically. What it does do is gives us an option – to face (soul power)…or not to face (material power).

In the time that we go through what we will go through when we opt to go with our souls and get through things from the soul, out, we will, for sure, blame otehrs for how we feel, even though the blame for our feeling any way is not what they are responsible for. They are responsible for bringing the pain to us. Our kuleana with that pain is to heal ourselves from it. This does not, at all, make things at all different. They are still who brought the pain. We are still who must feel it and work through it. This does not excuse the pain if it were done on purpose (refer to the thing about me, one other person, and that “manager pin” worn on the sleeve). What it does, believe it or not, is gives us leverage. It does this through the mechanism of them thinking they have hurt us, which they have, and our begging them for mercy, which sometimes we do, and our eventually realizing that we never needed them to give us mercy. We needed them to show us the next lesson.

That’s it. Really. That’s it. In relegating them to this position of merely bringing us the lesson, we take from them the one thing that they hope, like all people like this would be, would be the thing that they need to keep control over us in some manner. When we remove from them, through our choosing to see things through the eyes of the soul rather than the material and we understand what it is that, materially, we mean to them. They actually need us – we never need anyone else to make us feel powerful by their ability to take from us what they think and assume makes them feel more powerful and is ours- material, or otherwise. Empowerment does not come from denying others their power. It comes from respecting them even when they are at their weakest, period. If they do not respect you and never did, that is a them thing, not a you thing…keep reading.

It is not our place to wish bad things onto anyone. It is not our place to want them to hurt like we do, but wish it upon them we will (I can think of four right now…two bitch boys and two manchicks). This is when we end up creating that karmic circle for ourselves, all over again. The lesson, at least for me, in part, I know, is that I have to stop wishing certain peple would suffer, because in doing so, I have to suffer. Right now, the suffering that I am doing is all mine, make no mistake, but it is not because I want suffering for anyone (at least not for real). It is, rather and instead, because that is how I roll. I do not like to suffer, but I will suffer if I am meant to. Learning means that sometimes, we have to go through pain. I am in pain in more ways than one. A lot of us are.

It is not something that will make any of us feel any better about what it is that is right here and now. Karma is not meant to be that way. Karmic grief is not up to us to exact, and if we are lucky we will be somewhere nearby when it all starts for these certain others, for no other reason than to have a sense of confirmation and closure to the pain.

If we are lucky, the Universe will show us glimpses of things being made right and will make it so that we are no way, and in the right energy, the one who is blamed for the karmic grief of others. Understand now that there is a difference between feeling grief, and grieving. The grief about which I am writing and that we feel is to be thought of as our having to deal with a lot of bullshit. But, grieving over things is totally different. We feel grief when others bring it to us, but, we grieve over things, not only that we have lost, but that we seem not to understand the reason as to why it is those things which hurt us are so very hard for us to deal with.

So, if it is that you are experiencing the wreckage that has become your own life, take heart in a few things:

  1. While it might seem very…naive…of me to state so, and even while I, myself, am having a very dearly hard time dealing with even my own words about this shit, whatever it is that you are experiencing and is making you feel grief, it is temporary.
  2. You are not the circumstances of your life. You are a human being. You are worthy of Love and self-acceptance for that alone. You are not required to proverbially beat the shit out of you just because the world seems to have a different idea about it.
  3. The things that mean the most to us might not be the things that we need for this time in our lives, and this also applies to people and the way that we are treated by them, no matter who they are. They might not be able to handle whatever it is that you are dealing with, and in like kind, they will go away and return another time.
  4. Where there appears to be a “hole in the soul” is actually space for something new.

When it seems as though we are not getting what it is that we want, we have to look at the other side of it, to the things that we need. Maybe we need to learn to just live without certain things and people in our lives. I don’t know. I don’t like doing either of those things. But, if it means that I will,eventually, be better and stronger for having done so, then I suppose that which I thought was lost was never mine to begin with.

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Them’s Fightin’ Words

 

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Every human being on the planet has within them a certain set of ideals, morals, values, and the like, and when someone crosses the line with any one of us, we end up angry, even wanting some semblance of revenge on them. When they “bring it,” it is like they have approached us with those things called “Fightin’ Words”

On more than only one occasion, I have been known to get very dearly angry with a person, usually another woman, and usually because of something she has said, or, more, something that said woman has said to someone else. It is not until that someone else, without their even knowing what my response will be to finding out what I did not know that they do know, which will elicit within me, within anyone, dependent upon the nature of whatever it is that is being told, some sort of emotional response.

The Energy of The Emotional Response, versus the Energy of the Emotional Reaction

Here I go again, with the “response versus reaction” thing. It is a very important thing that we each and all know that there is a huge world of difference between a response and a reaction.

Responding to something means that we have thought about whatever it is that we are supposed to think about. It means that we have stepped outside of our emotional selves, have become a third party observer to the thing that we, because we are human, have honed our skills for using a response or a reaction in any situation. Most situations, whether anyone wants to believe me or not, call for a response. Embedded in any response, regardless of how much we would much rather react, is the energy called logic.

Logic, very simply, is nothing more than sound reasoning. Sound reasoning is that thing that a LOT of people have no real clue about, or real clue about using, because they have only been taught to get good and egotistically angry. The reason that people get good and egotistically and arrogantly angry is because in all of the things that they have been told, or perhaps have found out through others, the one thing that they were never thinking about is the idea that maybe what has been said is wrong, that absolutely the thing that has set anyone off at all may well be someone else’s truth but is so not our own, that when we hear it, read it, talk about it, the thing that goes right into play IS the ego.

Now, we all know that the ego is NOT what we have been taught that it is . The ego, regardless of what you think it is, is more akin to the thing that I refer to as being “the game face.” Someone who I am very endeared to refers to this as our “mask,” and that person is correct in stating that when we leave our homes and go out into the coldness of the strange world in our midst, we – yes, women, too – bolt on our protective masks.

In donning said mask, we hide from the world what are our vulnerabilities. Women have a much easier time with just such a mask, because we women actually get to literally put our game face on everyday, if we are the sort who like to put our faces on everyday with what we will.

And me being who I am for real, even if I try to explain to them the reality that is not only NOT “putting on” one’s face, but also, the maintaining of the body beautiful in all manner that we can, from sleep and diet, to more spiritually inclined daily routines, all these women think about is that I told them all of this stuff about putting on one’s face everyday. It is like they want to believe that somehow, I am taking a shot at them, when in reality, given that I am very careful when dealing with another woman’s ego, I am merely telling them the truth.

That is where things turn into what are called “fightin’ words.”

Fightin’ Words

Depending upon how you, the reader, “hears” my voice when you read these lessons is what will determine your own reaction on every level. On every level we each and all need…NEED to check ourselves before we ultimately wreck ourselves, because I cannot use a better example of this lesson than to use any woman’s belief that she NEEDS to wear make up. I am sorry ladies, but that is not the truth. NO woman actually NEEDS to wear make up.

But a woman cannot tell another woman this, at least not in the “in your face” way that I have tried hard not to in this writing, because sometimes, humans, sometimes women type humans, don’t believe what is someone else’s truth about really anything at all.

Am I saying that women should not wear make up? Nope. I am saying that with a little bit of research, and a lot of learning to look past the mask we each wear, beneath the veneer of …stuff… that lots of us put on every morning is the realness, is the beauty that is only contained within that one person.

Yet, again, when something that we want to believe is challenged, it is automatic that we WILL go into fight mode, our ego out in the open, vulnerable to attack, even though it is the very thing within us which makes us believe that something as trivial as IF we wear or do not wear make up is a choice as opposed to the lie that we all have believed for too many years already – that any one of us actually needs to wear make up.

It is like any one of us human type beings needing to make certain that we are hurt, or mad, or feeling stupid, and in those emotional ways of being and sensing and feeling, we believe we are more inclined and more…justified… to strike at someone, so that they will hurt, and that they will have to have yet one more thing that they will have to deal with, and lots of us believe that we are right in acting on that one thing…you know, because that other person did something or said something that might make our ego feel a little more bruised than we are okay with.

I am not saying to think in terms of being a pansy-ass about things. I am saying to think about the other shoe, on the other foot, and think, too, about what it is that you are really doing or saying that you want to do, and understand that while I may never know the truth beneath it all, there is one other person who does know – and that person is you.

…and you DO know…I PROMISE you indeed know what is your own truth about what is prompting you to react to what are someone else’s Fightin’ Words

This is not my telling a soul that you are not allowed to be mad, hurt, whatever. This is me telling the world that each of us needs to think about why it is that we are really angry to begin with, why it is that we would want to do something or say something to anyone else that would make us think that we have made things “right”, especially when we think we have lost anything at all.

This is me telling anyone at all that when we operate from a place where we can only recall how foolish we felt or how hurt we were, that the last thing we need to do is lower ourselves to the level of tangibility, to the level that is going from the primal urge to want to get even, to the level that is making it seem as though somehow, we have won.

While it is that you may well be right in your energy, if it is that you are planning to do anything at all from a place that is for anything other than the reality of what is really happening, and we decide that we know what is best for someone else, that we are going to be the harshest lesson for anyone else at all, this is when we NEED to stop and think about the real reason behind it.

When we think we need to strike out at anyone, namely when there is really nothing actually or tangibly lost in a situation, we are wrong. Period. When we do those things that are born of that angry energy, of that energy produced by a dented ego, and we do something that we think is making things right, all we are really doing is serving our ego’s needs, and in serving our ego’s needs that are not the needs that make it whole again through means that are not vengeful, we are only serving ourselves a nice dish of shit soup called Karma that we have created through unbalanced energy of anger and vengeance.

Our ego’s needs are not what we want to believe that they are.

When the ego is large and in charge, we cannot see past it. When our ego is the thing that we have always operated from, and the only thing that we know to do is what we have always done, and a situation presents itself in the manner that will poke the bear, so to speak, and we believe that we are the ones who are going to be the ultimate teacher in a lesson we want to also believe that will control an outcome, and we want to think that somehow, we are justified…well, we shall say that it is like making certain for ourselves that whatever our real reason is behind any action at all is also something that we want to experience.

This is really the reason that I will tell any other human being at all that before they act upon an idea that they really think is a good way, not to do anything more than to get even with someone, or to make them hurt more, or to do something at all that gives us a shit-eatin’ grin because inherently we know that we did or want to do what it is that we have come up with that seems justifiable, we are wrong.

And more than that, imagine this if you will. Imagine that you have gone through something ugly with one other person, and then one day, someone else comes into the picture. While we might well be very happy that we have come into contact with this one other person, and while it is that we believe we are over what we also believe the last person did “to” us, and we act in the manner that we think is deserved by anyone else?

Ummm…I can say this much, and it is from experience – when we do things that we think or say are for one reason, and the reality is a completely other reason, and we want to make it known that no one gets to get one over on us AND get away with it, and we choose to make it tangibly so, even though we KNOW that all the time, Spirit has our back?

I don’t know…let’s play with more scenarios, shall we?

Would you like it if someone did to you what has happened to them? Would you like it if, while only thinking about your own perception of what you want to believe is the loss of face through someone else, you ended up losing what means the very most to you?

What if that which means the very most to you is another human being? What if it is that in your own deep-seated rage you are trying hard to get around the idea that, yes, someone else did you dirty, and someone else made you mad, and someone else did all these things to hurt you and that ultimately revealed who they are to you, that in all of these great ideas that you think are going to make everything better, you end up ultimately losing, because the reality of the other person who means nothing to you now was bigger to you – the getting even part, that is – than is what was born of that perceived loss?

The Baby Born of the Perceived Loss

Let me show you a few things here, before I leave you to ponder the last time you got into a tussle or even decided that you were right and that the only thing to do so you would not feel like you were some sort of great big dummy was to exact some sort of revenge.

Actually, it’s a few questions I would like you all to think about asking you, and I would like for you to do so prior to trying hard to make a reasonable excuse as to why it is that you feel the need to get revenge on anyone at all, namely if the anyone at all is someone who you are just not even dealing with anymore. And yes, there are LOTS of other ways to balance things back to normal, and none of it includes the luxurious decadence of getting your own revenge on anyone else, because really, vengeance is not ours. It is that of Spirit’s…please, read on

If you were in another person’s shoes, and you knew that the other person was already in a very bad way, and you still went ahead and did what you thought in your own human limited thinking, that what you will do will somehow make it known not to screw with you, if that were you, would you have the balls to go through what they are going through right now? Would you take it as being your lesson brought to you by Spirit, or would you take the easy way out and blame it on someone else, even if the way that things got to this point indeed included your hand?

If you were hurting and desperate, and you only had the sun in the morning to look forward to, and the rest of your life was nothing but a dark and lonely void, with you completely knowing that you have to get out of this lesson and learn it all on your own, and you did not have someone there to teach you what it is that is your own way and a way that does not bring hurt to anyone else, would you want to go through what it is that you might be thinking to give to anyone else at all?

If you lost what you, at one point, felt was the thing that made your life so much better, only to find out that it was anything but, and you could not look at your own place in all of the things that made things turn out as they are right now, would you want to have to deal with more, and more than that, do you really think you would be able to without also thinking that you might want to die instead? Could you handle knowing that the one tiny little thing that you felt would justify it all caused another person to act upon taking their own life?

Yes, I do know that fightin’ words are what they are, even though the words, when they are said by someone else, might not be what we think they are. It might well be that the other person is SO blinded by what it is that they think is right, that the person saying them is in such a desperate way that they will say what is their ego’s first thing to say.

If we do not bother to take the entire whole into consideration, including and especially the fact that when we are dealing with a whole LOT of humans who share the planet with us, we cannot go to that place that makes us believe that every person who we come into contact with is what we are, which is hopefully stand alone, strong, brave and filled with integrity.

Usually that is not the case, meaning that when it comes to the fightin’ words of others are the very things that can make or break us, even if we do not believe they can. Being made or broken is not the thing, but rather the catalyst. More than that, when we are waiting for the good things, good and tangible things, and we are still hanging on to whatever stupid bullshit that we are hanging on to in hopes that one day, we might be able to exact our revenge because we have not yet let it all go?

Yet we only think in terms of what will justify, for us, or at least we think, the most perfect means by which we will make our position known. But that is not balanced, and is instead, something other than balanced. Balanced means that no one leaves the situation feeling any worse. Justification through means we know are very hurtful is anything but “just.”

The thing is NOT getting even to relieve your own pain, but being able to justify within you if the other person’s words really have any affect on us in a personal, emotional way and in a way that truly will affect us in a physical manner on a daily basis. If the only emotion that you are feeling when you come up with your own solution is dependent upon the solution being the thing that teaches anyone else not to screw with you, I have news for you…

…that’s called revenge, and even I know how sweet it is…

However, sweet things have a tendency or at least the ability to make us sicker than we can imagine, sometimes chronically so.

Think about it

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ROX

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It doesn’t even matter

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The things which we no longer have are the things which no longer matter. The hurt which remains is there to teach you something about you.

“I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.” (Linkin Park’s “In the End”)

I lost my house in Helendale in July of 2008. While it hurt a bit, I cannot lie and say that the world was over with for me, because it wasn’t. I realized quite early on afterwards that it was meant to be like this. It was meant that I would no longer be in that place for the purpose of my having to begin the process of shedding what was once real to me.

What was once real to me was not for me to become very attached to, because in becoming attached to it all, I would suffer the worst hurt ever, which would be the stinging blows to the pride within me that would tell me that somehow, I deserved to lose everything that I thought mattered to me. And again, I cannot lie – the house, while it mattered to me a little bit, the idea that I lived where I lived mattered to me a whole lot.

Where I lived was a huge source of pride for me, but here I am, years later, and I realize that what was the source of pride was not what I thought it was, but rather and only the illusion of what was, versus what it became. What it became was a monster of proportions so huge and so…untamed…that for at least one person who used to live in that house, the loss of it was something that they’d felt on levels that not a lot of people would feel if they were not so attached to that tangible item.

And really, that is truly what any actual standing building that a person or a group of people would live inside of and call home. It is not the actual building, but what it represents. For me, the house represented a place where memories would be made, with neighbors who were some of the most pleasant people I had ever known.

Yet, here I am, seven years later, almost, and things have changed markedly.

I no longer care about the house that I no longer owed a lot of money on. The only memories that I have of that place that can be called good and real are the ones of my kids, of my hula halau, of the treasure called friends who, when I thought about it, are two of the very best people I know and two people who I love immensely. While I no longer own all the vehicles, no longer have access to the golf course, the lakes, I have what can never be taken from me.

I have me.

I have this me.

Losing something as big as the family home is not something that I hadn’t been through at least once in my lifetime, and that is probably why I was okay the day that I have to pack up my entire house, without the help of certain others, and leave that life behind. The reason that life had to be left behind and the reason why that life and the loss of it no longer matters is because even in all of that loss, the one thing that was gained by me was not just “this me.”

I gained, through the losses, the reality of two people who, no matter what, have always been there for me (Hi April…Hi Tim…I Love You Guys!) Through that loss, I regained and revived and recreated hula to become what, for me and a lot of people like me, it was meant to be, which is not a Polynesian review show, but medicine. I gained, through that hurt, a new lesson to work through and to turn into The Sisterhood of The Soul, and through that group of healer women who are also my cousins, have created what is the beginning of things as they ought to be.

And that is not the only loss that I gained from, really. I gained the bravery to confront my abuser, to tell him that we are done and that within but a very short time here now, it will be on paper. I gained the knowledge that even as I have been the very one to have to learn to heal me, without the hurt of feeling like my own blood relations skipped out on me when things got to be really too much for me to deal with, I gained the right to call myself a strong, Stand Alone Human Being.  This does not mean they all skipped, because the ones who mattered the most never did. It just seemed that way at times.

Seriously…in the end, it doesn’t even matter

When we are able to get past the hurt, and when we are able to look at the dragons which once invaded our waking life and our sleeping dreams, and when we can see things from a new perspective, this is when things that we thought mattered no longer matter as much. It is when we realize that we have learned what we are meant to learn from any given situation that our lives will begin to blossom.

For instance, not too long ago, I was very upset with my parents, and it was over something that was a source of pride for me. I won’t go on with what it was all about. I will just state here that the last time that hurt visited me was yesterday, and when I say the last time, I mean exactly that.

I mean that no matter what it is that I want to do for them or for anyone else, the one person who I need to do the most for is me. This is not my telling anyone that you have to be selfish, because being selfish is very counterproductive.

What I mean is that, once we let go of the grip that we have on certain ideals, on certain things that we think we have to have be a certain way, on things that we believed mattered for so long and which really do not matter in the manner that they once mattered, we are, at that point, in a stage of growth. The sooner that we really wrap our heads around this, and the sooner that we accept this one thing, the sooner we will find out the reason that we hurt for so long.

Vice Grip

Lots of us like to have a vice-grip on things that we ought to not have said grip on. When we choose the energy onto which we will hang we have to remember that there are good reasons to hang onto it, and then there are all the other reasons. 

We each have our own reason for hanging on to the energy, or, on the other side of that, allowing the energy to have its vice-grip on us.

There are times when this grip is welcomed, when it is needed and when it is pleasant, and then there are all the other times.

There are times when it is that we do not want the vice-grip loosened, when we would rather bathe our own selves in that energy because it is so very welcoming and so very…much a part of us…that to release it would cause our own energy field a whole lot of havoc…then, there are all those other times.

It is all those other times that we need to help ourselves understand why it is that we want to believe that we are meant to hang onto it.

Recently, one of those two very good friends ended his own struggle with a vice-grip energy that was not an energy that would have helped him grow into the person who he is becoming. It took us months to realize that what he was seeking had been so easily attained that once it was that he was able to allow this vice-grip to no longer have him in that bind of hurt, things just seemed to be much lighter for him. He’d have never made it through the same lesson one more time. It would have wrecked him for the rest of his life in many more ways than only one.

On my part and in my life, even as there is a very lovely vice-grip energy that I am lucky to have whenever I can get it, there is the other side of that, which is the side and the thing which prompted this writing today.

Too many teachers of the Divine seem not to tell their charges that things will be harsh before they are not, and the harshest lessons of all are the ones which come from the people who have been in our lives for years and years. On my part of all of this other side of the energy stuff, my biggest challenge over the course of my life has been trying hard to get my blood relations, at least a lot of them, to take me seriously, to have some semblance of respect for at least how I feel, let alone who and what I am, and to take some measure of self-control when speaking of things that at one time meant something to me and which, at this time, I realize, don’t even matter to me as much as I thought it all did.

Why? Because I know that I am not meant for those things, at all, and until I woke up this morning, it did not dawn on me that what I was being taught has been learned, and that what I did not want to accept was accepted a long time ago in that, I am a healer, a writer, a scientist, a spiritualist…and no where in all of those things does anyone read the word “marketing person.”

Even though that is what I used to be, and in some ways still am (someone has to promote me and my girls…we do fine doin’ it all on our own), in that capacity, the one that I started out with their offerings, I am no longer.

That me no longer fits this me’s life and this me’s needs and this me needs things to be a lot more organized for this me to be satisfied with life in that respect. This does not mean that I have no respect for what this set of people are doing. It means that I no longer have to voluntarily obligate me…this me…to their bidding, even as I easily and readily lend myself to their success.

That You is not This You

You know very well that not one of us, at least not without the help of someone experienced in past life regression, can go back in time, at least not for real. We can visit there, and we can take a few moments there, but you have got to admit that even though right now, for myself included and to a limited extent, might suck beyond all which else that sucks, you have to admit that you would so much rather be this version of you than that other you.

That other you was weak in many areas of your own life, and that other you was someone who, from time to time, you did not even like very much. That you did things that this you would never dream of doing, because this you has built a wall of integrity that cannot be demolished by anyone but this you.  This you loves who you are becoming, and that old you..well, that you no longer exists.

That You no longer exists

Believe me or not, the reason that for some of us, life seems to be very difficult right now is because many people don’t realize that the reason things do not work like they once did in the past is because you are now this version of you, and this version of you cannot do things any longer that the old version of you used to do. 

That might be a little hard for you to wrap your head around, and it takes time to ease into the new you, but once it is that you have done just said such easing into things, you will find that you cannot do things like you used to do them. You will find that it is hard to fit into your old lifestyle, with the same type of people who used to be the people who you would do anything for.

You will find out that even though this you requires a little more than the old you did, once you get the hang of it, you will not look back, ever, and neither will you want to. You will learn that there are times which require you to return to pieces of that old you, but in those times you will be beside yourself with wonder because even using some of what was you, even in that instance, it is the new and improved you. 

I cannot lie – I would love nothing more than to no longer live where I am right now, but, the fact of the matter is that, the old me – she is who used to live in that big fat house on the golf course in the desert, and she is who would be hurt by the words that she is reading right now, and that me would pretend that anything else offered in the way of a new place to live would be just fine, even though that me, on the inside, would be dying a death of the ego on many levels.

This me, however, has been actively looking for that new place where new memories, with all of the right people, are going to be made, and this me, while she can be markedly impatient for good things to happen, knows, just because she is this me, that the perfect house where all of these great things will happen is just waiting to tell me that it is the right one for us. This me might be a little on the strange side (a little?), but this me loves me, and this me takes no shit from anyone when in regards to this me and what this me knows is right for me. 

In the end, our losses are meant to teach us to become the best versions of ourselves. Our pain is not meant to live on forever, and is there to make us aware that we are in need of some “me maintenance.” Our past hurts are meant to remind us that we have been through what we needed to go through in order to get to the person who we are becoming, and the people who we are each becoming are meant to go through this crap called loss, pain, hurt, all so that we can recognize what they are and more, recognize the things that are NOT meant to hurt us. 

Me and This Me need to get things moving right along for the day… please make sure that you know what is worth having a vice-grip on, and more, what you will allow to have a vice-grip on you.

I Love You All !

ROX

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The Ego’s Unforgiving Ridiculousness

I’m not about to tell anyone that we do not need our Egos, because we do. LOADS of people haven’t a clue about what the Ego truly is, even though every single one of us has employed its ridiculousness on more than only one occasion. However, not so coincidentally, it is because of our egos that we are able to hang on to things that really, we need to forgive other people for so that we can move forward.

At this time, there is a plethora of human beings on this planet for whom the engagement of the Ego when thinking in terms of not just going into some sort of …heated exchange…with another human being, over anything at all, seems to be the habit, the …addiction… to the hormonal imbalance which is caused by our being able to go toe to toe in an emotional exchange more often than is needed.

Yes – hormonal.

If you think and believe for a moment that the things that are the constant thought in your head…and no, I am not talking about you being you…I am talking about you being you, then someone comes along and interrupts you being you, at a constant, which releases hormones and the like, into your physical body, at a constant, again…do not forget that…and you are not balanced at all times with a good teeter-totter of both negative and the corresponding positive thoughts, which produce the same within each of us, you will…WILL end up out of sorts.

This is called your body telling you that it is already overly filled with the bullshit that other people bring to you. This is called your body needing you to take notice that something is not right, and normally, no matter what, even if it is a hereditary thing you have goin’ on, all of that ego-negative-bullshit going on WILL take its toll. You are not required to believed a single thing that you read here, and you are absolutely allowed to ignore this, and if you do, I will not know, and that, too, is okay…

until…

Understand that, right at this moment, there is a lot of growin’ goin’ on and that, too, not a whole lot of people who are in the middle of the most horrifically painful spiritual growth spurt are aware that what is going on is their Souls are stretching, are growing so as to accommodate who they are for real. Too many people want to hang on to the things that are acceptable on the surface, things and ways of being which are not going to serve them any longer, and things that, for the very life of me, I do not understand why anyone would want to hold onto that crap!

LOTS AND LOTS of people…perhaps more than even I realize, are caught right there, in that crux between letting things go and moving on, and hanging onto things that they like believing keeps them safe, but safe from what? Growth? That’s not safe to hang onto things that hurt us without a purpose for hurting us. In fact, that isn’t even smart because when we hang on, it is like we somehow cannot rid ourselves of the pain because we are somehow addicted to the drama which we bring about from it, should we hang on to it for longer than is needed (YES- NEEDED).

Hiding from things that we know are meant to make us stronger than we have ever known ourselves to be, in ways that we cannot imagine only serves to weaken us. When we are able to face what it is that we fear (believe it or not, the one thing that MANY MANY humans fear is being loved for real, because they cannot see themselves as worthy of it…what-EVER…) we are then and at that point telling ourselves that we are tired of the things that hurt us and that if we should so choose to look at those things in a manner that is from a neutral place, a place that is not ourselves in physical form but ourselves in a soul sense, we will begin to understand a whole lot more than we thought we did.

We will understand that there is a thing called forgiving ourselves for not being able to let go of the things that have been breaking our hearts, over and over again, on purpose, even, and we will be able to see, too, that we are not bad, that we are worthy of our own Love, for ourselves, because too many of us give away the Love within us, thinking that the more that we give, the more we will get back. Yet, it won’t happen that way if we do not recognize what it is for real. More, it also won’t happen if we do not Love ourselves for real.

Just because someone else hurts your feelings by whatever means they will hurt them, and even if they are being vindictive about it and perhaps even meant to do it, this does not mean that we need to retaliate in the manner that they would expect. It means that right at that moment, we have the option to choose, not only what our response will be,  if we will even bother with one – because sometimes, no words, no response is the greatest, most healing thing we can hope for.

Now, I am not suggesting here, with this next thing, that it is okay to lie to anyone, not even if it is meant to save someone else for their own good, but, even what seems to be the most unforgivable thing is also warranted by and needs that energy, because without it, it stays right there, in the manner that it is, right this moment, which, really, if you stepped outside of your own way, you might be able to see what is there for real.

You might be able to know that, without it being said or even implied, that somehow, even though a lie isn’t cool, sometimes, it is the very thing which will instill in us that thing called a wake up call, and that wake up call is not about anyone else BUT ourselves. Yet, most of the time, most folks and their egos are way too arrogant to see it that way because they are still living in that hurt placed on them so long ago…in that hurt that might not have been placed there on purpose or for malicious reasons. It doesn’t make it right – it makes humans, human.

And for the record – nope, I am not writing about anyone or anything in particular, but rather and only a culminated thought about why it is that we humans tend to need what we need, and when it shows up in a manner that we don’t understand, or comes from a place where we least expect it – whether it is a lie, or perhaps some other thing that no one seems to understand – not only are we hurt, but it is doubly so. When finally it happens, we are at a loss but at a loss because we were not prepared well enough or on our own and through our own abilities to handle what it is, which is not what a lot of ego-driven people want to believe it is. At all.

We are, all of us, at least once in our lives, ego-driven

The Ego gets a very bad rap. It is like this because a long time ago a whole bunch of people decided that they would tell the world what the ego is. We have all been raised by a society which tells us that what we have tells the world who we are, but that is not the case these days. What we have, literally, is only our very selves. Sure, we all have other people in our lives, but, when it is our time to return to Spirit, we are by ourselves, and we are the ones who have left a lot behind, and sometimes what we leave behind is the residue of the hurt that we suffered throughout our lives, which is the hurt that we could not let go of even and up to that point.

It is the Ego which tells us that we should or should not protect certain aspects of who we are.

When the time comes that we are hurt, even egregiously so, it is our ego self that comes to the forefront. It is our ego self that either can hang with the hurt and can help us get out of the way of more harm and how to do that. Just as much as it is our ego self who, when it has been challenged, will puff its chest out, get mouthy and daring, saying things and doing things that will only serve to cause havoc and more damage. The bitch of it all is that it is not only damage to others, but most of all, that damage is something that we, ourselves, cannot and will not ever escape.

When first we practice to put a hurt on someone, namely when we are aware of ourselves doing it, it is at that moment that, too, we are also putting it on ourselves, that same hurt that we wanted someone, anyone else, namely and especially someone who we say that we love. This does not mean that we do not love them when we get angry with them, but when we get angry with them and choose to not forgive them is when the reality should hit home that if we want others to forgive us, then we have to practice it ourselves, both with others, as well as our very selves.

It is the same that thing I teach other people, this art of forgiving those who have wronged us. And believe me when I tell you that indeed, it is a true art form because the fact of the matter is that, as a whole, humanity does not like its truth, even a fabricated truth, fucked with.

We do not like our beliefs, do not like the things that we like, do not like our sheltered little lives fucked with, at all, and when it is that someone has come along, regardless of what their intentions were at the time of the failure and gives us a lesson in love that we are not ready to deal with, it shows.

This means that when we are told that something will happen on a given date, or that what we want to happen can happen, or really, anything at all in the manner that tells us that somehow, we are about to score huge, at the same time that we are made happy, we also need to be very keenly aware, as well, of the reason as to why we are happy.

We know that if we are happy because we thought we were lied to about a whole lot of things, only to find out that not the thing, but the timing of the thing, was not what we thought it would be, and we go on to say that we believe that the thing is GOING TO happen on this date, and it doesn’t happen…whether or not we can handle it in the manner that is telling us that we can deal with it, or whether we are telling the story of how we, alone, were wronged without also looking at the other things that maybe someone else was looking at, even as it is the same thing, we have some serious self-checkin’ that has to happen because without that self-checkin’ the thing that happens afterwards and until we do so is called self-wreckin’.

Self-Wreckin’

Self-Wreckin’ is that thing that all of us does, guaranteed. We are humans, and my experience with humans on the whole is that, while it is that we are way, way cool biological as well as ethereal specimens, given that we are born with the ability to reason, means that we also have the ability to be highly unreasonable. This is not to say that none of us who is evolved enough to know better won’t, for a few minutes now and again, find ourselves somewhat a bit devolved. It means that we are human and capable of being our greatest shot at being undone.

The only way that other people wreck us is if we allow it, and even then, when it is that we have one thing, one goal, one place that we see with our mind’s eyes that we cannot let go of because to us, that is the perfection of our own making, and that is the thing that we need to look at, in its face and not be afraid to let it go.

You see, I have lots of clients who do not understand this, lots of students who want to think past the teacher, which is fine, because I did that too, recently even, and yes, I had to face a hurtful truth that pissed me off and while it did not make me feel foolish, it indeed DID make me know that sometimes, when the lesson is taught and we have learned, the only thing left to do is vent out the feelings to a trusted person, and then finally just let it all go, including the person who caused the ache.

Our Ego-Self is the part of us that tells us that we have to protect who we are, but the problem with that is that sometimes, we go into parent mode and we want to save our own selves from the shock and the hurt that might end up becoming more than we can handle, that is, if we are not brave enough to face our own selves.

We can become brave, though, and we can face what we think we cannot, no matter what, or who, it might be. The only thing that we have to do is listen to the pining of our souls. If we listen to our souls, and we go headlong into the fracas brought by others, and in that messiness can find our place in it, we will also find there the freedom that we so crave, not just from the assholes who visit our lives so that we may learn the lessons that they bring to us, but more, from our very selves.

I Love You All !

ROX

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Visit my website , read my teaching blog, come and hang out with me at bandbacktogether.com…yup…I’ve written a few books, teach hula as both Medicine and as some of the funniest luau entertainment that a group of employees has ever had the opportunity to take pics of the higher ups learning hula from me…yup…at company parties…of course, I also marry peoplecoach individuals and groups…I do LOTS of stuff…because I’m just Rox, and that’s how I roll…follow me on Twitter…but above all…smile and laugh a lot – folks will either think you are talkin’ smack about ’em…or you’re crazy ! Either way, it’s just you being you !! Aloha! I Love You All! ROX


Things are meant to be this way right now

This past week brought us all something that we have waited for, called the Truth. While we may not like what has transpired, make no mistake – what we are experiencing is meant to be.

*****

Things are not fun right now and this is true for a whole lot of us. Many of us are being shown truths we have never wanted to look at head on, while others are being given the truth of things, and the truth of things are as ass backward from what we thought was there in the first place.  And no matter how any one of us feels about the things happening around us, in the lives of those who we care the most about, and most of all, within our very selves, it is not rocket science to think that even though much of this energy we are currently experiencing sucks okole, I have been hard-pressed to find anyone who does not agree that it sucks, but is needed.

There are severeal reasons why all of this ‘ugh’ is needed

A lot of us here on planet Earth have been so busy avoiding what it is that we do not want to grow toward, but like all else in nature, grow, we must. Growth hurts. Growth makes us cry, and makes us rage, and makes us go through things that we thought we were done with. While it is that certain people represent the things that hurt us, that give us pain, or conversely, give us a feeling of wholeness and renewed energy, all of us still have some stuff that we need to let go of, and whether we like it or not, we are, without restraint, letting go.

Letting go of things about who we are, or that we thought we were or maybe even still think we are, is painful. It is painful because on some level, we have to accept that things are, in some cases and in lots of ways, pau hana, meaning that we are done working on it, that maybe the others involved are not willing to change, not for us but for themselves, and we have to just accept it. It is hard to accept certain things, hard to deal with the way that some things have happened, and it hurts us to the very core middle of us. We have gone on like this for such a long time that the things that we have accepted, and the things that we have dealt with and lived with and just allowed to be as they are have called upon us to change – no, not the others, but ourselves.

We want so badly for other people, namely those who we love the most, not to hurt, not to hurt themselves, not to rob themselves of the goodness that is them, the goodness that is life that takes a bit of doing to deal with anyway, and when we find out that all this time we maybe were not wrong, but that we did more than we should have, gave more than we had, and did it all from Love, and no matter who they are, they did not step up. This does not include the things that we did not understand, or perhaps were not well enough informed about, but the things that we know so, so very much about, which are things that we have each not wanted to face, and are the things that have caused us to feel helpless for a very long time now.

Some of these things include other people, but at the bottom of it all it is simply our very selves we are facing. We are learning to accept that the things that we had hoped for with some folks just cannot happen for them, and we are very disappointed that it is like this. We cannot control what is the lessons and more, the way that other people learn. It might be that our method of learning is not what they can understand, and so we teach them from our point of view, showing them our perspective, and in that energy is the Love which is so needed by anyone, that when someone else, no matter who they are, fail to be all they can be, it hurts us, deeply.

I have gone through this all week, beginning last week, with people who I placed my hope for healing in, and all I can say about my own reaction to it all is that the learning that came this week to me would not have happened had I not gone through what I thought was the very end of my world. It wasn’t. The lesson that I specifically had to learn, I learned, and it was all about acceptance of things, about accepting that some people are not ready for the growth that, again, no matter what, will come to them. Lots of us see the growth and the pain from the growth as what it really is – temporary. Yet, for too many of us, that temporary ouch in and of itself (you know, it being temporary and all) seems, from their perspective, a little too inconvenient for their liking and their schedule and their social life. They seem to like things as they are, but the truth is that in reality, it is not that they like it or are comfortable with it, but that they really have no idea that they are learning something.

Some of us absorb the things that we learn in a sponge-like manner, and we take on these vile energies for the purpose of learning what is there, and more, what is not. What I thought would be the very end of things on one end turned out to be the opportunity to make things for someone else a little bit easier where I specifically am concerned. Where it was that I believed it to be the beginning of the end was actually the growth which I so badly needed, so dearly begged The Mother Goddess to grant me with, and here I am, a few days later, newly minted with thoughts that are not what they were just a few days ago.

Where it was that I believed the sins I had committed these last few weeks, sins which were misunderstandings more than they were anything intended as hurtful, it was actually my being taught the reality that is balance, that is the give and the take, that is the granting and the receiving. Had I not bothered to think in this manner, I might still be the torrid wreck that I was at the start of the week. Daily, the inner light within me glows a bit brighter, because with the release of the things that I thought were the truth, it turns out that there was a perfecting of my strength and a clearing out and a cleansing of what no longer is needed for me to grow, and most of all, the brilliance that I thought was no longer there became the things by which I knew that, for the first time in a very long time, perhaps even in my life, I found that while there is a lot of stuff that I have to get over and let go  of, that this includes things and thought and ways of being which really do not apply to me and neither to the people with whom I share the most time with, care about the very most, and have nothing but the deepest, truest energy of Aloha for.

This, I find, is my very truth.

The Truth Relived Through the Pain

We have always known the truth. Our Ethereal senses tell us what is the truth before our bodies kick in and confirm that truth for us.

Lots of us have had aches and pains and loads and loads of crap that we have been feeling as being the heaviest, loneliest, most awful energies we have ever had to carry within us, but right now, even as some of the things that we still can see physically are still there, we can and have been looking at them with a renewed sight. It is almost like we are seeing things for the first time. In my own sight are the seeds planted by me over the course of many, many years, and being the gardener that I am, I have tended what is there for the bulk of my time on this planet, and realize now that no matter what it is that I am looking at, that I am who planted all those seeds and now those seeds, over the course of many long years, have come to fruition.

Like any garden planted, always there is the threat of pests, and the threat of others trampling our flowers, taking our harvest, and we do not realize that what we have planted is showing us where it is that we need to deal with some things that maybe we may have overlooked. We wanted to let the weeds grow, because at first, the weeds mirrored what is another edible plant. We tended the weeds, not realizing that they were weeds, and when the flowers finally came into existence, we could not look at those weeds as anything other than what they are – not purposeful.

Yet, at the same time, when we think about those weeds, and the hopes that we had that they might not be what we knew they were the whole time, we loved that plant, not only in hopes that it would bear fruit, but more, just because it was ours, and just because it was part of our garden. We loved it as much as we did the rest of the crops, sometimes to the point of thinking that maybe we could replant it somewhere else. Yet, all along, we knew within us that it was just a weed.

This same thing can be applied to some of our behaviors this week, some of our expectations and some of the outcomes. It is not the people who are the weeds, but the things that they do and enact in our lives that are the things that we need to consider being what is really bothering us. It is not them, personally, but the things that they bring to our lives that, rather than seeing them as our only way out, are actually things that we need to learn to deal with, and a lot of the time, we would rather not. Of course we would rather not, because normally, the things that we are being taught are brought to us and into our awareness by those who we love and care about the very, very most. Sure, some of it is related to us and what it is that we need to learn, but the most of it is rooted in the things that we would rather not look at and not so much recognize, but have always known as the truth.

At this moment, like right now, I am going through this. I am going through this feeling that, once again, I am being made to feel like I am doing something SO egregiously wrong, so, so, so vile, and so something that will cut into the comfort of other people, that when I think about it, it makes me want to continue forward.  Even as I am in tears almost, over the things that I have had to listen to about how what I have to do and what I am going to do affects their social calendar, I care not one bit about it, because this is not something that I have not already been through, this week even, and it is fine with me.

As per usual, I am who will have to step up, throat exposed, while the rest of the world does what it has to, as well…but…you betcha…I ain’t scared of it.

In fact, because of it, it has given me something that no one but me, and such things as temporary strife, can…

…the reality that is empowerment…

I Love You All

ROX

1Mana Card Reading Meme RJB

The Loveliest Photography capturing the Loveliest Hula Wahine can be found by visiting www.randyjaybraun.com

Hawai’ian Mana Card Readings can be done for you by me, and all you have to do is send an email to ReverendRoxie22@gmail.com, with “MANA CARD READING” in the subject line,  and I will reply with all the details!


The Only Way to Get Through it is to Go Through It

We want to avoid the pain of life, but what we are not thinking about is that in everything that we are supposed to be learning, when the pain of our lives is present, the only way to learn from it and to get through it is to go through it.

No one that any one of us knows actually likes being in any kind of pain. We silly humans like to believe that we should never have to go through any kind of pain whatsoever. The problem with this is that, without pain, we cannot recognize what is not pain. The other problem is that Life is very painful at times and there is no way out of it other than ignoring it or dealing with it.  We can ignore it all we want, but it will still be there, reminding us that we hurt.

Really, that is what we are trying to avoid – more reason to hurt. What we are failing to understand or perhaps to accept is that the more we avoid it, the more evident it becomes that there is something not right with us. We can push it away, not deal with it for a little while, which is okay, but there are those among us who care not one tiny little bit to have to go through the lessons born through the pain which is never going to not be there unless and until we acknowledge that it exists within us.

Pain comes from anywhere and can be caused by anything at all. Pain is the reason that so many of us are angry, are depressed, are all those things that we see all those commercials of all those pharmaceuticals which every single one of them seems to cause more worry than relief. People who create those drugs like it that there are people who walk the planet and who are also in a chosen state of perpetual pain.  For those companies, no one in pain means that for them there will be no monetary gain.

Some of the pain we are feeling, each of us, and some of the pain that seems to carry on and that we CAN do something about, we write off as being just another little nuisance. I am not talking about the sort of physical pain brought about by injuries that anyone ended up with from something like a bad car wreck or something like that. I am talking about the pain that is emotional that, in an example, can be brought about by the feelings and the memories and the emotional energy that was created by the car wreck. While the physical injuries might have left a person permanently and physically damaged, the emotional injuries caused by the physical damage, whether anyone believes me or not, IS the pain that we can do something about.

I know…there are some people reading this whose pain seems so overwhelming that it might be a little bit of a lot of years that that particular pain, at the very little least, is whittled down to that of a dull and annoying ache. Please – don’t get me wrong..where it is that a parent has lost a child? That is a pain that I am sure will never leave a person. I am not talking about that. I am talking about the pain which has been brought to us via an event in our lives that has been brought to us and through us as well as other people by Spirit that we are meant to learn because that very and particular pain was meant to be a part of our life experience because without it, we cannot go on to fulfill the mission that we were sent here to complete.

The causes of our emotional pain varies between us. My own emotional pain, I knew, was not meant as only something that I had to go through for perhaps a past life Karmic debt, but more, so that I could take that negativity and the energy that was created by the abuse and turn it into usable positive energy. This is not something that is easily learned overnight, and it is not something that we can just not go through when the lesson and the pain of that lesson present themselves. You might find this a bit fantastical to think is the truth, but really, your lessons and your pain from those lessons is part of the thing that people, for many generations, have named as being “The Process.”

The Process

In healing circles, the words “The Process” are akin to the words “have patience.” Patience is that thing that we all know comes from having been impatient. When we are impatient for the results of why it is that we have gone through this painful period, and we get frustrated because the answers do not reveal themselves to us like we would prefer they did, this is when we are open and ready to receive who we are but the only way to do that is to actually open up ourselves to the Process and the things that are included in said same Process.

Within this thing called “The Process” are veiled versions of the pain that we have experienced to that point that mirror the original progenitor of the actual pain that, at the time, we may have believed would not be stored in our memories forever. Our processes don’t work that way. Humans are capable of recalling things that we do not realize we have been reliving, again and again, through the only memory that we have created by that one event. People who have been through the worst of what they can think to be the worst are masters at dealing with The Process. It is because through the things that we never wanted to look at having caught up with us, making themselves known, with an absoluteness, that we have to deal with these energies, have to go through what we have to go through or we will not ever learn anything, not only about what is happening that would make us think back about the truth of the pain, but more, how what we are refusing to learn applies to the here and the Now.

I am going to say it, and you will just have to deal with this next thing

I can think of but a scant few people who know that we are the ones who are the progenitors of the pain that we allow. Pain is a given, because life can be a pain in the okole. Even as it is this way, it is not that we are given or take on these pains, but that a whole lot of us want to hang on to them without trying to utilize the energies inherent in them. We want other people to see our pain, know our pain, and rather than our just being fine and dandy with the idea that someone cared enough to even inquire about it, we want to give these people the entire play-by-play and really, no one needs that.

When we do that, what we are really doing is validating that pain, making certain that we will never be rid of it if we should choose to give it too much power. You can think I am lying, or think that I am outta my gourd (which, really, I am, but it isn’t a bad thing), but this is the truth. This particular truth, I am saddened to say, is the very truth of (ugh) a multitude of women all over the planet who seem to want to believe that since, for generations, we have had to fight for our rights to be equal, that it is the fault of men everywhere, and this is not the truth.

These are the sort of women, and I am really getting somewhere with this, who, for the very life of them, cannot see, seriously, what they need to see that exists within themselves that they are seeing all around them, and perhaps even within their own relationships, not only with their partners, but with everyone they share any sort of time and emotions with. I say women because I am sure that when I was a much younger person, I, too, felt like things that were wrong in my life were somehow someone else’s doing.  This was not a lie, at least to me, that what I went through and that someone else had caused to happen, somehow, was them being out to get me.

It does not occur to us when we are young that we have to bear the Kuleana of how we feel about what happens to us and that which is presented to us, by us, but through other people.

It could be anyone, really, who we believe is only meant in our lives to be that one person who makes our life awful. This is not something that has to be permanent. This is something and a way of being that has potential to be permanent, but is also something that carries the option of our being able to do something about.  This is the thing that not a whole lot of women in particular understand, that not everything in their lives is brought to them by other people without a purpose, and lots of the time, those “other people” are the men in their lives.

If more of us would shut the hell up, listen to what whoever is saying what to them and rather than getting all okole sore, take the truth that belongs to someone else, namely if it is their life partner or spouse, and really take in what it is that this other person is telling them, they might find out, without a doubt or even a shadow of one, is either the EXACT same thing that they are feeling, or, is the very exact opposite to what we are feeling. Whatever it is that we are feeling inside, those closest to us will reveal it to us as their silent response that is the other person’s physical and mainly facial appearance.

 

The body and everything about it does not and cannot lie, ever. Our physical selves will tell people what is the reality of what our inner selves are going through. We can tell our friends and those closest to us that there is nothing wrong, and at first they may believe us, but the truth always comes out. Emotional pain is something that festers and reveals itself in ugly ways. Some of us go through a lot of anger, and all of us, no matter what, and without our knowing we are doing it, reveal the truth of us subconsciously through our actions.

Eventually, those actions become words, and those words become our reality through our breathing the breath of life into them, believing them and making them become real. It’s the truth. Think about it. Think about the last time that you thought something in a fleeting moment of perhaps desperation and suddenly that thing that we said that we might have forgotten having said is now alive and in our faces. For the most part we are not aware of this. We do not think about the things that we bring to our lives that bring us pain. When the pain arrives, we think about all of the people involved in everything that we have said, thought, and done, and rather than assigning how we feel about things at all – anything at all – the Kuleana of those things to our very selves and learning from the pain and going through it, we blame everyone else.

We, again, do not like pain and we would rather not have to deal with any at all, but that isn’t going to happen. Life is filled with pain and instead of thinking about how we will deal with the thing that causes it, we want to push the pain away and avoid it. We cause ourselves more pain by avoiding it, by pushing it away. We want to believe that the pain we feel is someone else’s thing to deal with, but it isn’t. It is ours. It will never not be ours. It will stay ours until we can face the demon we have named “Pain brought to us by other people.” While technically this is the truth, what is also the truth is that we give away our own power, to people who should not have it, and we keep giving it away in hopes that getting rid of it the way that we have always will be the right thing every time.

If you have not yet figured out that that is not the right thing to do, that the right thing to do is to face the pain and address it and have meaningful and serious intimate conversations not only with the pain, but more, with our own Selves, we will never know what is the absoluteness of truth that is our own. We create the energy for the pain through our words, through the things that we think and do and whatever the intent behind it all is. When we intend to hurt, we will hurt, and we have the nerve to blame others for that hurt that we called upon to teach us something. When we intend to heal, the Universe comes to us through other people who will show us what is possible if we are honest with ourselves.

Being honest with ourselves and knowing that everything in life has the same sort of ability to heal is how we start the ball rolling. When we choose to walk through the pain, hopefully for the last time, at least with whatever, at that time, is giving us any pain at all, is when the Process has begun. If we can manage to look at who we are when the pain sets in, we are half way to where we need to be. When we look in the mirrors in our lives, and we see there that which also lives within us, we can better utilize what is our own to make a big giant difference, not only in how we feel, but more, how we feel about who we are for real.

That alone is priceless.

I LOVE YOU ALL

ROX

1_OPSS_2nd_Annual_Benefit

 March 22nd in Long Beach, California, the 2nd Annual Operation Soul Shine Benefit Concert 

Proceeds to benefit The Monday Night Mission

and The Reservoir Dogs Sanctuary

Copy of 1TheShamansPrayer RJB

RandyJayBraun.com


Full-Circle

We all know that when one circle is completed, that another has been fully ignited…

I see that I am not the only one for whom many circles have been made full over the last six months. We all have been waiting, and for the very life of us we know not what to do with this part of the winding down of certain things and of certain ways of being.

There is a whole lot of hopelessness at the moment. There are marriages ending, and there are people losing jobs, and hope, and what no one seems to think about (that is, unless you are somewhat the same way that any Professional Weirdo would be) is the fact that once one circle is made full, already underway is the starting of the closure of more than only that one circle. We humans like to think or believe that we have control of everything, but really, we don’t. We have less control over things than we care to accept.

Once we can accept things as they are, we begin to notice our own patterns, and when we can sense and notice our own patterns we can also sense when these circular endings and beginnings happen. I will not elaborate on too much of my very own recent circular endings, but I will say that after the past six years of my feeling like I have nothing and have nothing to give, I find myself very incorrect in that idea, because within that idea, as coupled as it is with the other idea that we have to also lean on our egotistical selves for our answers as well as our Soul Selves, in that idea are the seeds and the clues of what is next to become a part of our lives. At this point in our human lives, and after all of the nastiness that we each and all have been through to this point, we should be well equipped with all of the things that we need in our lives to handle it all.

There are a lot of us who are prepared, and many more who are not. Those of us who are not will find it very difficult to take me for my word on this when I say, to anyone, that the best is yet to be. If we are patient, we will know this, all the way down to the very Bones of our Souls.

The things in our lives that have left us feeling naked and open

We feel like we are all on stage somehow. Some of us are used to it, but too many of us are not, and we are in the spotlight via our own behest of it. We are seeing the things within us that we are not very proud of knowing about ourselves, but I must remind you all that whether or not you realize it as the truth, what you are seeing in front of you are either the remnants of what was and is no longer needed by you, or are the beginnings of a few things that you, yourselves, have asked Spirit for, and here they are…the fun part is that unlike any other time in our lives, whether we think it is the truth or not, they are ours and we created them and hell yes – even though a lot of us are not ready for the bigness of things to come, they are just about here.

It is because, for the most part and for the most of us, we have been readying ourselves now for about two decades. In that time we have evolved into the people who we are right now. If you think back twenty years you will understand one thing – you may not be that same person, but you have those same inclinations, and all of it is about Love of the Self and of the Soul within. For that long now, we have all burned, have all hurt, have all been proverbially gnashing our teeth because for that long, we have been learning and gearing ourselves to this point.

Up to this point, things seem as though they are really a mess

Things are this way and with good reason – because collectively we are not all on the same page and need to be. There are always going to be people who just refuse to wake up, refuse to see what it is that those among us who are dearly enlightened to the evolving of all of mankind on a global level. They are scared. They like the way things are, even though as they are right now, things kinda suck for a whole lot of people.

If it were that I believed that things were always meant to suck, that we are all bad people and we all deserve this garbage that we are all going through right now in some manner, I might not also be able to sit here believing that I am right when I say that if we looked at all of our lives, and thought about them in the singular sense, and thought, too, that the reason we are going through whatever it is that any one of us is experiencing, we would KNOW that it is all meant to be.

Yes.

Meant.

To Be, even.

My initial thought is that we have, for so long and throughout the recorded history of mankind, just accepted the idea that there are people who tell us what to do, and that there are people who are told what to do and that the majority of us are really very tired of pulling a heavy wagon that is not ours alone.  I am also thinking that it is about time that we each and all chose to be who we are, because, as I state, over and over again, who we are does not really change, at least at our core.

My greatest example is that I am always going to be me, but that over the years, I went from being the me who got me to this point in time to being who I am now, and that as time moves on, I will still evolve, while the core of me will always be a Pisces whose feet are firmly planted in the idea that I will never not be who I am. This is the same for all of us. Even though I will never not be who I am, how I feel is always subject to change to accommodate the conditions.

This is the same for anyone, everyone, really, and it is without reason that we should be fighting who we are. It is without reason that I should care more than I do about anyone who was bad to me throughout my life. The human being part of me wants them all to hurt like I did, but the healer tells me that my job and my lot in life is to be and to show compassion to every person and to impart to them the measure of Love that is the unconditional sort.

We do not get to choose who will come into our lives or when they will show up. Every person who graces us with their presence and we ,them with ours, is yet one more chance to get the point across to one more human being that there is a lot happening right now in the cosmos. We all know the drill – as above, so below. It makes me wonder why it is, sometimes, that if there is all this unrest and dissatisfaction with one another, why then are we still bothering with trying to save someone else when there is so much within each of our selves that needs to be seen to, healed, forgiven and let go of?

I’ll tell you why – it is because for centuries, we have been conditioned to believe that the most wonderful thing is to sacrifice, everything, even and all the way down to who we are. No one ever thinks that, no matter what – no  matter what your pastor says, no matter what your parents told you as a kid, no matter WHAT – you can never ever change the core of you or of who you really are, so why is it that so many of us are still trying to cram our circular selves into these societal square holes?

Societal Square Holes

From a time long before a whole lot of us were on this planet, it was the prevailing thought within the psyche of mankind that people are unruly, because people can reason, meaning that people can make choices. The ancient politicians had no means by which to keep their minions under control. Knowing this much gave them the edge they needed in order to create mass population control, through means of spiritual and religious manipulation and fear.

And yes, I am going to sound VERY judgmental, and it is not usually the way that I roll, but I must, at least this time, when I say that having grown up in a Hell fire and brimstone family that was “guided” by the God of fear and the very same God which seems to not be very loving at all. I grew up with these sorts of parents, the sort who, Goddess bless them both, and as much as I do very dearly Love them, remain, to this day, afraid of what the God they kneel to and practically beg everything from will do to them AFTER they are gone from this lifetime. Why would anyone want to believe in a deity who would turn them essentially into slaves? Why would anyone want to ‘worship’ a god that will turn you out into the hot coldness of this lake of fire I was raised to fear so dearly?

Because. Just like anything else, when fear is the tool used in order to guarantee complete control over anyone at all, it is what will rule your life. 

Fear cripples and stifles us

Humans…we fear a whole, whole lot of things, and most of the time it is not really an actual fear of things as much as it is a paranoia about things like whatever it is that we are afraid of being exactly what we want them to be, good or bad.

Fear, though most of the time it keeps us safe, it also cripples us. It makes us mistrustful of ourselves, and this mistrust causes us to mistrust everyone else and everything else, too. By mistrust, I do not mean that you cannot trust, materially, what others give to you, but instead is a mistrust in ourselves. Whatever it is that we feel about ourselves is what we will give out as the energy we have to give to other people. If we convey that we trust everyone, though, we get taken advantage of, dearly. The only way to counteract those things is to learn from them by going through what we have to go through. 

I HATE rejection, a whole lot, but I can deal with it, because I have been given a whole lot of it throughout the course of my almost 44 years.  I find, really, that a whole lot of people who do not like being rejected for any reason also are the very ones who employ tactics of rejection toward others, and also that these very same people who do like like rejection but feel privy to give it do give it in heaping amounts in the most ugly possible way that they can humanly think to.

Let me tell you something, folks – whatever, no matter WHAT it is, that you employ toward the giving of understanding of you to other people and that which hurts them, you will also experience those very same things, same emotions, same feelings of rejection and hurt. And you who are like this – you demand to know why it is that you feel the way you do. It is because you proverbially want your cake and eat it, too, but you want everyone else to feel like the kid at their own birthday party who is made to wait and to be the last one to get their piece…you know, when it essentially becomes a big messy bunch of melted goop that no one – not even a fat kid who loves cake – wants to eat . We expect people to accept us as we are, but we expect them to be their highest, finest selves where we are concerned (and ONLY we are concerned). We want Love and we want to feel secure in the idea that others Love us, but we, ourselves, want to continue being the Overlords of DoucheLand as much as we can muster being…all to avoid rejection by people who, we, ourselves, judged harshly enough to repel them.

For the life of us, we seem to not want to hurt, but we also do not pay attention to the patterns that create the circles of our lives so that we can know when it is that we might have to hurt (Yes, have to). It is these circular patterns which bring us back to where we need to be, not perfect, but as good as we need to be at the time that we need to be who we are at that moment. We cannot be the perfect picture nor model of perfection – our lives would be dull if we were all perfect. Imperfection allows us to be able to see ourselves in others, to notice how we are very much alike, even as we are each as unique as are the fingerprints we each have that belong only and exclusively to us.

We share our lives with people who are like us, and with those people we see our own selves as we pertain to them. Whoever they think we are in our lives is none of our business to try to change their minds about. Our business is merely to go on about learning who we are through the mechanism of Spirit called “Other People.” Sometimes what we see there will mirror exactly who we are, and in that moment we find that we are the epitome of imperfect perfection, which is as it should be.

You are at this moment in your own history because you wanted to be here and you wanted to have all of these things in your life, both good and yes, bad, as well.  You are here and now because you, on your own, without knowing so, created this moment, probably long before you realized that what you wanted when you wanted it that would not be exactly what you thought you wanted when you first wanted it, and here you are, in the now, and that which you wanted is upon you.

My only question is, no matter what you think of this moment and whether that opinion is good or bad…

You brought this moment to yourself.

Now, what are you going to do with it?

Hahahaa…yep…there I go again…making you think. 

I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

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