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It doesn’t even matter


The things which we no longer have are the things which no longer matter. The hurt which remains is there to teach you something about you.

“I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.” (Linkin Park’s “In the End”)

I lost my house in Helendale in July of 2008. While it hurt a bit, I cannot lie and say that the world was over with for me, because it wasn’t. I realized quite early on afterwards that it was meant to be like this. It was meant that I would no longer be in that place for the purpose of my having to begin the process of shedding what was once real to me.

What was once real to me was not for me to become very attached to, because in becoming attached to it all, I would suffer the worst hurt ever, which would be the stinging blows to the pride within me that would tell me that somehow, I deserved to lose everything that I thought mattered to me. And again, I cannot lie – the house, while it mattered to me a little bit, the idea that I lived where I lived mattered to me a whole lot.

Where I lived was a huge source of pride for me, but here I am, years later, and I realize that what was the source of pride was not what I thought it was, but rather and only the illusion of what was, versus what it became. What it became was a monster of proportions so huge and so…untamed…that for at least one person who used to live in that house, the loss of it was something that they’d felt on levels that not a lot of people would feel if they were not so attached to that tangible item.

And really, that is truly what any actual standing building that a person or a group of people would live inside of and call home. It is not the actual building, but what it represents. For me, the house represented a place where memories would be made, with neighbors who were some of the most pleasant people I had ever known.

Yet, here I am, seven years later, almost, and things have changed markedly.

I no longer care about the house that I no longer owed a lot of money on. The only memories that I have of that place that can be called good and real are the ones of my kids, of my hula halau, of the treasure called friends who, when I thought about it, are two of the very best people I know and two people who I love immensely. While I no longer own all the vehicles, no longer have access to the golf course, the lakes, I have what can never be taken from me.

I have me.

I have this me.

Losing something as big as the family home is not something that I hadn’t been through at least once in my lifetime, and that is probably why I was okay the day that I have to pack up my entire house, without the help of certain others, and leave that life behind. The reason that life had to be left behind and the reason why that life and the loss of it no longer matters is because even in all of that loss, the one thing that was gained by me was not just “this me.”

I gained, through the losses, the reality of two people who, no matter what, have always been there for me (Hi April…Hi Tim…I Love You Guys!) Through that loss, I regained and revived and recreated hula to become what, for me and a lot of people like me, it was meant to be, which is not a Polynesian review show, but medicine. I gained, through that hurt, a new lesson to work through and to turn into The Sisterhood of The Soul, and through that group of healer women who are also my cousins, have created what is the beginning of things as they ought to be.

And that is not the only loss that I gained from, really. I gained the bravery to confront my abuser, to tell him that we are done and that within but a very short time here now, it will be on paper. I gained the knowledge that even as I have been the very one to have to learn to heal me, without the hurt of feeling like my own blood relations skipped out on me when things got to be really too much for me to deal with, I gained the right to call myself a strong, Stand Alone Human Being.  This does not mean they all skipped, because the ones who mattered the most never did. It just seemed that way at times.

Seriously…in the end, it doesn’t even matter

When we are able to get past the hurt, and when we are able to look at the dragons which once invaded our waking life and our sleeping dreams, and when we can see things from a new perspective, this is when things that we thought mattered no longer matter as much. It is when we realize that we have learned what we are meant to learn from any given situation that our lives will begin to blossom.

For instance, not too long ago, I was very upset with my parents, and it was over something that was a source of pride for me. I won’t go on with what it was all about. I will just state here that the last time that hurt visited me was yesterday, and when I say the last time, I mean exactly that.

I mean that no matter what it is that I want to do for them or for anyone else, the one person who I need to do the most for is me. This is not my telling anyone that you have to be selfish, because being selfish is very counterproductive.

What I mean is that, once we let go of the grip that we have on certain ideals, on certain things that we think we have to have be a certain way, on things that we believed mattered for so long and which really do not matter in the manner that they once mattered, we are, at that point, in a stage of growth. The sooner that we really wrap our heads around this, and the sooner that we accept this one thing, the sooner we will find out the reason that we hurt for so long.

Vice Grip

Lots of us like to have a vice-grip on things that we ought to not have said grip on. When we choose the energy onto which we will hang we have to remember that there are good reasons to hang onto it, and then there are all the other reasons. 

We each have our own reason for hanging on to the energy, or, on the other side of that, allowing the energy to have its vice-grip on us.

There are times when this grip is welcomed, when it is needed and when it is pleasant, and then there are all the other times.

There are times when it is that we do not want the vice-grip loosened, when we would rather bathe our own selves in that energy because it is so very welcoming and so very…much a part of us…that to release it would cause our own energy field a whole lot of havoc…then, there are all those other times.

It is all those other times that we need to help ourselves understand why it is that we want to believe that we are meant to hang onto it.

Recently, one of those two very good friends ended his own struggle with a vice-grip energy that was not an energy that would have helped him grow into the person who he is becoming. It took us months to realize that what he was seeking had been so easily attained that once it was that he was able to allow this vice-grip to no longer have him in that bind of hurt, things just seemed to be much lighter for him. He’d have never made it through the same lesson one more time. It would have wrecked him for the rest of his life in many more ways than only one.

On my part and in my life, even as there is a very lovely vice-grip energy that I am lucky to have whenever I can get it, there is the other side of that, which is the side and the thing which prompted this writing today.

Too many teachers of the Divine seem not to tell their charges that things will be harsh before they are not, and the harshest lessons of all are the ones which come from the people who have been in our lives for years and years. On my part of all of this other side of the energy stuff, my biggest challenge over the course of my life has been trying hard to get my blood relations, at least a lot of them, to take me seriously, to have some semblance of respect for at least how I feel, let alone who and what I am, and to take some measure of self-control when speaking of things that at one time meant something to me and which, at this time, I realize, don’t even matter to me as much as I thought it all did.

Why? Because I know that I am not meant for those things, at all, and until I woke up this morning, it did not dawn on me that what I was being taught has been learned, and that what I did not want to accept was accepted a long time ago in that, I am a healer, a writer, a scientist, a spiritualist…and no where in all of those things does anyone read the word “marketing person.”

Even though that is what I used to be, and in some ways still am (someone has to promote me and my girls…we do fine doin’ it all on our own), in that capacity, the one that I started out with their offerings, I am no longer.

That me no longer fits this me’s life and this me’s needs and this me needs things to be a lot more organized for this me to be satisfied with life in that respect. This does not mean that I have no respect for what this set of people are doing. It means that I no longer have to voluntarily obligate me…this me…to their bidding, even as I easily and readily lend myself to their success.

That You is not This You

You know very well that not one of us, at least not without the help of someone experienced in past life regression, can go back in time, at least not for real. We can visit there, and we can take a few moments there, but you have got to admit that even though right now, for myself included and to a limited extent, might suck beyond all which else that sucks, you have to admit that you would so much rather be this version of you than that other you.

That other you was weak in many areas of your own life, and that other you was someone who, from time to time, you did not even like very much. That you did things that this you would never dream of doing, because this you has built a wall of integrity that cannot be demolished by anyone but this you.  This you loves who you are becoming, and that old you..well, that you no longer exists.

That You no longer exists

Believe me or not, the reason that for some of us, life seems to be very difficult right now is because many people don’t realize that the reason things do not work like they once did in the past is because you are now this version of you, and this version of you cannot do things any longer that the old version of you used to do. 

That might be a little hard for you to wrap your head around, and it takes time to ease into the new you, but once it is that you have done just said such easing into things, you will find that you cannot do things like you used to do them. You will find that it is hard to fit into your old lifestyle, with the same type of people who used to be the people who you would do anything for.

You will find out that even though this you requires a little more than the old you did, once you get the hang of it, you will not look back, ever, and neither will you want to. You will learn that there are times which require you to return to pieces of that old you, but in those times you will be beside yourself with wonder because even using some of what was you, even in that instance, it is the new and improved you. 

I cannot lie – I would love nothing more than to no longer live where I am right now, but, the fact of the matter is that, the old me – she is who used to live in that big fat house on the golf course in the desert, and she is who would be hurt by the words that she is reading right now, and that me would pretend that anything else offered in the way of a new place to live would be just fine, even though that me, on the inside, would be dying a death of the ego on many levels.

This me, however, has been actively looking for that new place where new memories, with all of the right people, are going to be made, and this me, while she can be markedly impatient for good things to happen, knows, just because she is this me, that the perfect house where all of these great things will happen is just waiting to tell me that it is the right one for us. This me might be a little on the strange side (a little?), but this me loves me, and this me takes no shit from anyone when in regards to this me and what this me knows is right for me. 

In the end, our losses are meant to teach us to become the best versions of ourselves. Our pain is not meant to live on forever, and is there to make us aware that we are in need of some “me maintenance.” Our past hurts are meant to remind us that we have been through what we needed to go through in order to get to the person who we are becoming, and the people who we are each becoming are meant to go through this crap called loss, pain, hurt, all so that we can recognize what they are and more, recognize the things that are NOT meant to hurt us. 

Me and This Me need to get things moving right along for the day… please make sure that you know what is worth having a vice-grip on, and more, what you will allow to have a vice-grip on you.

I Love You All !


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Home – it’s not where you think it is

If you feel like you want to go home, or have the energy of being homesick, of the thought that you just want to go home, it is totally NOT what you think it is

I grew up in a town called Covina. It was the grandest time of my life. I had lots of friends, most of whom I still am very close with. I have lots of memories, most of which were with those very friends, and lots of them still live in or around that area. I cannot tell you how many times I have been wistful for home, how many times I have been back to Grantland Drive, just to take a look at my childhood home, a home that looks nothing like it did when I last called it “my house” back in 1990.

Normally, when I take that drive down Grantland, it is an event which leaves me breathless, leaves me longing for something that, until now, I could not pinpoint. You see, too many of us still have not been able to make the choice to separate what is in our thoughts from what is in our reality. This is a lot of the reason why a whole lot of people suffer from the emotional stuff they suffer from. When I figured out that I was suffering…actually longing…for some semblance of what my ideal of “home” is, it was with sadness and relief. Sadness, because I had the best time in that house on Grantland, with those people in that neighborhood. To this day I still can see me and my friends, running up and down Grantland Drive when we were just little tiny kids. I see us now, as adults, and now our kids hang out. Now, we have those same worries that our parents had when we were our kids’ age.

Home is a lot more than just an address and a zip code

A lot of us at this time are longing for home, but the reality is not that we are longing for a specific zip code, a specific house, a specific set of friends. The home that we long for is with people who are just like us, people who we include in our lives for no other reason than that we have a sameness of soul energy with them. We meet these people all the time. Sometimes these people re-enter into our lives through means of social networking (Jimmy, do you even KNOW how long I looked for you? Aye YUH, bruddah!!).  Sometimes, we meet these people through other people, and while they might essentially be “new” to us, to our souls, it is as though we were only waiting for them to show up in our lives in this lifetime (Hey…April, Dannie, Noreen, Scott, Albert, Michelles 1 and 2, Ilyene….need I go on? Hi guys ! Love you!) And LOTS of times, our soul family never really leaves, but we take absence from them like they do us, even though it is not really that they are gone but are just off and doing what they are supposed to be doing (Hey…Dora…Alan…Lisa…yeah, hi guys!…oh man…HEY TOFILAUS!!! yup…you guys, too ! )

Home…it is where our heart is, and is also where our souls are most comfortable. It is where like souls live and where our soul family is created, meaning that “Home” is no where else but within us all.

We know who our Soul Tribe is

Upon meeting in this lifetime, and it has happened a whole LOT lately, not only for me, but for us all, the trickling in of the people who are either now in our lives or now back in our lives, and they are here with purpose and with good reason – because we have to carry out our combined, collective mission. Let that sink in for a bit and think about all the people who you have encountered in these last two years and you will see what I am saying here, and, as well, you will also know who they are and more than that, based on who you all are as a combined unit, you will also see how it is that you will carry out your combined mission with these people.

I know and have known who my soul family people are. They are the ones in life who have been labeled and judged harshly, the ones who have had to pick themselves up and dust themselves off and who have had to actually do the work involved where their own specific healing is concerned. Healing, to someone like me, is an undertaking that is not for the faint of heart or soul. I say this because when we are healing ourselves we have to think like a doctor and have to be rational, not about what we need to do for ourselves, but what no longer serves us. When we figure out what no longer serves us, we have the painful thing that we have to do which is to let go of those things, those people and the pain. These are things that we totally and dearly hang on to, even when we know that they are not good for us or even that what they served our lives with has been met.

When we finally let it all go is when the pain sets in and the pain sets in because we are not able to see what was detrimental in our hanging on. We can only see the Love that we felt. The Love does not die, neither does the memory, and if that memory is a good one, it is harder for us to think of it as being something that no longer serves us. Good memories always serve us well, that is, unless and until we are longing so dearly for that time and that exact same energy- this is when carrying it becomes a burden.

It becomes a burden because our ego will not allow us to believe that we are readying ourselves for a better, newer “home” energy, that where we were as kids, while it was nice, was small potatoes compared to where we are headed and never does it cross our minds that even though we are not those kids anymore, we are still very much those same people, just a lot older with a lot more time under our feet.

Think about the people in your life right now…what is it that you see there?

This is the one thing that was brought to me years ago, by a woman who a few people regard as being our Soul Mother. Her name is Noreen. Noreen is a Wicca Practitioner and one of the very best teachers I have ever come to know and to love. It was roughly five years ago that this lovely creature told me that the one thing that I have to hang on to, even though I had to let them go, is my family. To this day she has, in total Noreen form, NOT eluded to me what it is that I am looking for. She did this for a reason, and today I know that reason – it is because I needed to remember who I was back then so that the Mother Goddess could show me who these people are now.

The way that we are shown is easy – we are immediately drawn to them, and we also know that they are as drawn to us, for whatever reason there may be. In some cases it was an instant physical attraction, and others, the re-entry of like souls on this same path with us who were there in those times in our lives as our friends and confidantes. Still others we feel an immediately kinship with. These people, I have found, are those who are part of our tribe, part of our Soul Family.

Our relatives in contrast to our Soul Family

Please, do not get me wrong – I love many people within my extended family still, and while the family unit which I was spawned into drive me crazy, I must let you all know that I am as equally crazy about them as I am made crazy by them. Make no mistake.  Yet, even within that tiny little unit, there is something there that needs to be seen to, and I have seen to it.

Actually, Mother Goddess…Spirit…She has seen to it. She has seen to it because She is who has prompted me to seek others like me. She has sent to my life those people who mean the most to me who are not my kids or my tiny little family units. She has brought to me those who I will need to help me carry out my purpose, who are there now and have a similar, if not the exact same mission that I have, through means that, collectively, we serve, together, without realizing that this is what we are meant for and that this is what we should be doing.

It is not to say that our mission is the same as our daily work, even though our mission is connected to the work we love the very most and work which involves music, Love, passion, dance and that familial vibe.

You will know who these people are by the way that you are energetically affected by them. You will know who they are because even though you might not have the same talents or gifts on the physical plane that they do, you will find that those very talents and gifts will be complementary to yours.  I am a dancer. Most of my friends are somehow connected to music or the indie music scene and industry. I dance, and they play music. Dancers need musicians because dancers need music. Musicians do not need dancers, but enjoy the idea that the thing they make (music) is able to spark the fire of the Divine within their friends who dance.

The Point

All of this talk about dancing and musicians and soul families…it is meant to show you who you are currently “going home” with or to. Home is not a place outside of you, but inside.  It is that place where you feel loved, safe and accepted, and there really is only one place on the planet that is the same for us all, even as the facets of that place might be very, very different.

That place is in your soul, where these new people, and some of the best from another time in our lives, live, love and are.

The point is that the feeling of homesickness that you have right now means that there is someone else out there also feeling this way, and if we are lucky, there are a few someone elses out there who are also waiting to meet us on this plane, or perhaps reconnect with us. These people are meant to bring with us the grand measure of Love and acceptance that only you and yours can specifically bring to the world, and those things that can only be brought BY you all, because of that fire that is the passion for all that we each do.

Another cool thing that happens is…

I wanted to save the best part of all this homesickness feeling stuff for last. OKAY, now, I have already told you all about people coming in and leaving or whatever, but the one thing that none of us thinks about when we feel like this is that someone else, somewhere else, is also feeling this way and that when we feel this way, not only is someone else also doing this, but it also means that someone else, somewhere else, is actively looking for us, too.

Read that again, absorb it and let it sink in and then think back to the last time that you felt this way and how long it was after the feeling passed was it that you met someone who you are very near and dear with now.

Ahhhh…there it is….the collective thought that is “nuh uh!”

Oh…yes huh…that is what this is about. When we long, it means someone else is doing the same longing. When we are lonely, and when it is mixed with that longing (it always is), it means that instead of feeling lonely we need to be more aware. It does not mean to actively look for them, but it does mean to be excited about it, because somehow they are finding their way to you.

Again…absorb all of that. You are reading it correctly. When we ask, pray and wish for things to be in our lives, always, those things have to come to us by way of Spirit and through other people. Even when we tell Spirit that we are lonely, that we want to be held, that we want for or desire anything at all, I promise you that Spirit hears it. The thing that we humans do not realize is that when we are longing for those arms, for that pal, for that person, that while we wait, we are given that thing that I have said and written a whole lot about which, no matter how much you do not want to think it is the truth, actually suck – they are called distractions.


They have a purpose, our distractions, and normally it is that we are distracted by things and activities and even people so that whatever it is that we are learning that is appropriate for everything that is at the moment, we will learn. Spirit does not want us unprepared for the entrance of these very important people coming to our lives. I won’t lie to you – it took me a very long time, a lot of tears, MANY adult sized tantrums that could rival a very large, obnoxious two year old, and it was all when I felt like I was so very alone in this lifetime that in my petulance, I cried out to the Goddess – “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU MAKE ME THIS ME AND THEN ALSO MAKE ME BE ALL BY MYSELF? WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT? !!”

Ha! Just reading it makes me giggle, out loud even, because in my own experiences with this, when I was impatient, it was always me who screwed things up with people, and they were always people who were meant to come to my life for the shared mission. It is never until we understand what it is that we actually need, and more, why we need it, that we learn who these people are. We want to meet our Twin Flame, and we do not realize that sometimes, in our overly emotional lonely state of current being that we are not looking for our Twin and that maybe we already know them and maybe they are already part of our lives and that it is possible that we are not to be romantically involved with them and that the ONLY thing they are meant for is to be with us as family and to carry out that one mission that is shared.

Does this mean that you are never going to meet that one special person? Nope. It means that you need to pay attention to the things that you are asking for of Spirit, and really think about it, past your own temporary loneliness, to the thing that you know you are meant for, the thing that your Soul is here to share in manifesting with the entirety of the whole of your Soul Family.

Does this mean that you are going to eventually be romantically involved with your Twin Flame? It doesn’t always mean that. In fact, the purpose of a Twin Flame in this reality is, as I am and have been mentioning for a while now, is NOT to get jiggy with ’em, but to get out there in this world and do what you are supposed to do with them for the world and the grander populace of Souls among us. And should you hook up and hit it off, cool beans…if not, no big…it IS a gigantically HUGE world and there are a LOT of other people here…just be patient.

That is what a Twin Flame really IS all about. It is NOT that you will be with them on a certain level or in a manner that is what you have been told (am I the ONLY one who is making people know that a Twin Flame relationship is NOT always going to be a romantic one and that it does not have to be?) or that you have read. (Although, typically, it usually IS and most of the time it is in manifest or perhaps even in another realm…) While it is nice that it happens that way, and again, normally it does, but there are those times when it doesn’t. Don’t trip…it is about the shared mission, NOT about gettin’ some squeeze…yeesh !

Does this mean that you need to look at everyone you pass on the street, does it mean that you have to act like a psycho, does it mean that you have to really do anything OTHER than continue as you are? Oh hell no! In fact, if you do any of these things what will happen is that you will push all of what is meant to come to you further way, because excited or not, you will be, in a way, telling Spirit that you do not trust that She knows what She is doing. I promise you that She does NOT jack things up – we do.

Do like the Beatles said…”Let it Be”

I will close today with the most important part of this all, and that is to please, just let things be. I recently told a friend of mine, when querying me about something that he says he had a hand in screwing up, to just please let things be. If it is that the person who he was asking me about is his Twin Flame and they are meant to be together on this plane, there really is not a lot that he or even they can do to change it. The only thing either of them can do is say yes, or no, to one another. Either way, they are both right.

When we have the longing energy of wanting to return home, and we just feel as lonely as we have in a very long time, remember the last time that you told no one (it is never No One…it is always your guides and ultimately Spirit who hears us…well, them and our closest best friends, that is) that you were lonely, that you wanted arms around you, that you were desirous of people who are like you are…remember that you were heard, and that when there are other people involved in the desires of the soul that it takes time, and more, it takes some very harsh lessons that almost all involve releasing the old to make room for the new.

Yup…letting go hurts..a lot, but remember that we asked for new…and we will get new, but we have to release the old, first…



Copy of 1TheShamansPrayer RJB


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