Tag Archives: heartache

The Birthing of Our (evolved) Selves

In our lives at this time seems to be a whole lot of turmoil, but there is a beauty to this all, really.  We have to remember one very important thing about all of this harshness that almost everyone on the planet is going through right now, and that is that the bigger the ugliness in our lives, the bigger the beauty that is on its way.

*****

I am a huge believer in the strength of human beings. I am this way because I know that my own life has called upon me to become the strongest person in it, as it is with every single on of us. MANY of us right now are experiencing things that are as mind blowing to us, not for anything else than that, while it is that we KNOW that we are loved, by Spirit, by others, and by our very selves, the things that are crazy right now, and the things that seem to break our hearts are meant to show us that those energies are not needed, that they must be vacated in order that the big, beautiful things which are headed our way can be used in our lives the moment that they arrive.

And we wait for these things to happen to us, not realizing that we are co-creating our lives with the Goddess, and we get frustrated by what it is that we have little power over. We forget that we are always being taught, especially those of us who are in the “trades of the realms,” and yes, I am remarkable at brain farting when it comes to this one thing.  Because I teach, sometimes I forget that I am being taught what I will be teaching, and sometimes the lessons that I am being taught are also to show me which segment of society I will be working with next. Sometimes, too, I am being taught because without my thinking about things the way that I should be, I have given some sort of painful something to someone else. We all know that Karma don’t play…

…and speaking of Karma…nope…that’s NOT what is going on, at least not on the whole of things

The whole of things is that, yes, there are a whole lot of folks dealing with paying their karmic debts, BUT, there are a whole lot of others who are shedding their old selves for their new selves. Many light workers are now being forced from homes they have been in for many, many years, and many of us are growing out of or already have grown out of relationships that just no longer fit who we are and probably never did. There are a lot of us who are all of a sudden quitting jobs that have given us the greatest comfort in knowing was there and doing things that are in such opposition with who people thought they were for so long that it seems to not make sense.

But really, it makes a whole lot of sense.

If you thought about the things that you asked for about six months ago, I am almost positive that you were not very clear on what it was that you really needed, as well as wanted, and I only say that because I know that when I need something or want something, in my own desperation, I cry out to Spirit, telling Her what I need, and I forget to also tell Her that when She is blessing me with what I need, to please do so in the manner that is most gentle, most effective, will leave less pain in its wake and most of all, that is permanent and that the outcome be positive for all involved.

The fun part is that all of us does this. There is not one person alive on this planet who does not trip out when things begin to pile up in our lives, not one of us who automatically looks to Spirit for some much needed reminding that we are safe and well in the arms of the Goddess. No one can lie to me and tell me that always, they do this, because always, while we remain as enlightened beings, at the same time, we are equally as flesh and blood as we are enlightened souls, and at the same time we are prone to all of the things that those who come to us for our thoughts and our energies are. While there are some of us who are better at hiding these things, the majority of people, yes – myself included, freak out, at first, when the shit hits the fan.

You know when your life is about to change when it is that several piles of shit hits the fan, all at one time, it seems, and at that same time, it seems that there is little, if any, relief from it. If it seems that there is little, if any, relief from the madness, it is at that point when one must ask one’s own self what the similarities in all of the challenges are, what, really, is old and worn out, and who else it is in our midst, who also may well be being taught the longest, harshest lessons of all, and they are the lessons of our own evolution on a personal, yet very, very powerful, level.

The other side of the ugliness

Yes, of course there is a bright side to this all. My own lessons these last months were all about self-worth and who it is in my own life who values me and who I am, just as I am, and on the other side of this, who is still being quite douchey about things. In these last few months I have learned a whole lot about myself, and most of all, I have learned that, to a select few people, I mean the world, have brought to them the thing that was missing in their lives, and really, I had no clue about these things until I thought about it and realized that what was missing for them was also missing for me.

Another thing that light workers tend to forget is that at the moment, we have a whole lot of expansion happening for us all, meaning that the things that we thought about anything are changing for us, are expanding so that the reality of the bigness that is going on now will be accommodated. In my case it is about my family of origin versus the family which I created being melded in with the family who is my soul tribe. It is also about my work in this world and how it is that my words affect masses of people, all at one time, and that perhaps and rather than only sharing the painful things, to also include in those words also the lovely things which are birthed from that pain. I had to learn to trust people, had to learn to be able to rely on one other person without also allowing what went on in my own life before that person emerged into my life to not affect things with that one person.

I had to learn who my family within my family is, and while it hurt me for a whole lot of years to feel like I had been exiled from my own people, the truth is that even as there is DNA which matches, there must be a match of energies, a match of things unexplained and a match of likes, dislikes, and yes, of course, Love and what Love is to anyone at all. I had to accept, even as recently as yesterday, that really, just as much as some relatives are not my favorite human beings, I may also not be their favorite, either, and this is all fine and good and yes, it was asked for.

I had to learn that there was more to my job than only met my human ability to see. I had to depend on my gifts for most of these last months to get me through some of these things that still, to this day, blow my mind at how easily it was that I had forgotten that even though sometimes, the things which are in our midst are presented in human or tangible form, they require a spiritual and intangible energy to make them better, or, make them no longer be present in our lives if they are not needed or wanted there.

I had to learn that not everyone was lying to me about me, that really, there are a lot of people who love me, just the way that I am, all the way down to my shoeless-most-of-the-time feet, and I had to learn to accept that this is how they really felt, that they loved me as this me, and that for me to not be this me would hurt them to their very core. I had to learn to believe that either way, what I was being told, what I am still being told, is the truth of other people, that it might well also be my own truth, but that the truth that I do not like, I do not have to live and make my own truth.

Mostly, I had to learn to be patient with Spirit, to learn that She has everything set in motion the way that it is for a very specific reason, and whether or not I am right about the reason, or the energy, or the anything, the one thing that has been a challenge for me is waiting for the good things. If it isn’t apparent to anyone, even though I am jovial, outwardly expressive in a manner that can only be called or labeled as “mad cap,” on the inside of my psyche there is still that kid who sometimes feels like she is still the last one to get a piece of birthday cake and a scoop of ice cream, and the bitch of it all is that in that energy, it is my own birthday. And once again I am faced with the challenge to either accept what others have to do and must get done long before my part in their stories become apparent to them, because once I began to learn patience, which I am still learning, I also began to “see” their own stories silently told to me in the way that they expressed their own pain and their own heartaches, their own joys, their own energies.

This time in our lives is meant to refine us, to make us excited for the things that we asked for to come to fruition for us. Now is not the time that any one of us needs to throw our hands in the air and tell Spirit that we quit – not at all. In fact, if you are going to throw your arms in the air in frustration, then express THAT and not that you quit because really, you can’t quit. You can’t quit because you asked to learn whatever it is that is hurting you right now, and you can’t quit because you are almost where you need to be in terms of who you are and mostly, you can’t quit because the reality is that there are a lot of us right now who are in the same energy that you are, and most of us are seeing this part of all this turmoil as one thing…

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through the Universe…

Being blessed in our lives with anything is great, but if we quit, we have to go through the things that we don’t like going through all over again. If we quit, we don’t get to get to the point in our growth which will also be the fruits of the labors of pain that we may have gone through for a long time. In my case it has been most of my life for me, and lots of people believe that I need to toughen up  and learn to take it like a man…to those people…I’d like to say that there is no one in your mind right now else who you would be saying this to, and if you have the very nerve to give that sort of advice to anyone at all and to do so without truly knowing who they are, you might not realize that there are those among us who are VERY tough, who are more inclined to not have to always be tough on the physical and seen-with-human-eyes level, and if this is the way that you think…well…

My dear…you need to check yourself before you further wreck yourself.

Stop telling people how they can improve your way. Take your own advice and improve upon yourself…

…not because I said to, but because that is your lesson…

I Love You All !

ROX

RJB_NEW_PO_AO..MEME

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JUST IN! A Message from Spirit

Take heed and heart – the Divine within has been calling us all out…a Message from Spirit for us all…’auhea wale ana ‘oe…pay attention, yeah ?

*****

 

I know it seems as otherwise, but I am telling you all that the things that you are going to read here, while they might not make sense to you right now, they will make sense to you in time to come.

There are a lot of us going through more than we thought we would, and it is with great reason and good cause. There is an incredibly huge amount of loss happening, continuing to happen, and at an alarming rate. There are things that we each have collectively experienced, but from our own point of view, meaning that, from time to time, we will not fully understand who we are in measures of what it is that we perceive as our place in the lives of others, let alone in this lifetime. We cannot distinguish, at this moment, what is in the future, but we can get there on our own, with a little help from our Soul Family, with a lot of help from the ‘Aumakua, and with complete faith that Spirit has our backs and does so in the form of others who have been there, others who are there now, others who are there for us in the most complete manner that we cannot wrap our heads, hearts and hope around. Yet, it remains that every single one of us, even as it does not appear as such at the moment, are geared, primed, and headed for our own measures of intended, and soon, manifested greatness.

We are the ultimate proof of our own power, the absoluteness of the All That Is and the epitome of Perfected Imperfection that really, this is what makes us all the same, even as we are all and each uniquely different from one another. That part doesn’t matter, because our lives are dearly enmeshed, not only on the physical plane, but more importantly, in places and realities where, if we knew how great that level of Self was, we would be astounded in one manner, feeling foolish in another manner, and completely awestruck at just how important we each and all are.

If we knew just exactly our places in the lives of others, and we could accept our own level of imperfection, being always at its level best, we would understand, too, the importance of who we are and how we are and more important than that, what we are, even if what we are is not what we want to be – what we are is what we are, and the only people who can exact a difference in that manner is our very selves. We have become so dependent on our material worth, on our tangibilities rather than what it is that we are sensing on another level, that we want to believe that what we see with our physical selves is far greater to our soul than what is felt on levels that not a lot of us can explain.

Once it is that we have finally and with great joy accepted who we are right in this moment in time, this is also when the realities which we are not consciously aware of will come to us, effortlessly, and almost as though those impressions have come to us literally on the wings of angels, because really, sometimes that is how it happens – when we cry out to Spirit from within, and when we bother with ourselves on the level that is the same amount of deep caring and love that we say that we have for others, we realize that we are finite in body, but that we are boundless, unlimited and able in every other way. These are the things that we all take for granted. These are the things that we push aside and out of our own awareness all for the love of things we can hold tangibly, all for the things that we can look at and feel with our five senses, not realizing that we are far more than only this tangible reality.

We like to think that we are the only beings in the Universe, but how can that be when there is an infinity in the cosmos that we have not yet seen, known, heard of, can imagine being real? We like to believe that in our arrogance we are the only game in town, but our issues and our challenges prove to us that this is not the truth, because if it were the truth we would not be where we are right now, which is boldly measured and irreverently challenged by a cosmic ruler that is teaching us what we have, for many lifetimes, refused, not to learn, because we are born with the ability to believe, but more, what we have just not accepted as being our own truth, and a truth that we keep denying, even as we have done our very damnedest best to create it. We want others to believe our truths and want them to accept what is met as being their truths, which are also the truths that we are inclined to point out, no matter what it is that we think we are doing, but we are hard pressed to open ourselves to our own truths.

When it is that we need to depend on anything at all, depend on the truths that you have created, that you have shared as your own with others, and make certainly sure that what it is that you are giving away as that truth IS your truth. People tend to see through the bullshit, and people tend to not want to give in to us as much when it is that they can decipher that it is the truth of ourselves that they seek, even and as much as we seek it ourselves. When we feel compelled to look at another’s truth, and we are compelled to judge them from that place, and we feel the need to make it known to them and anyone else that our opinion of them is not that great, we want the world to see only what is not good, rather than our choosing insted to see there what is the good, what is the love, what is the thing that keeps us all going, what keeps us all alive, and that is all and only Love.

We must Love who we are in order to be who we are, and right now we are all who we are meant to be at this point and time in our loveliness, this time in our evolution collectively and on the individual level. We are here for a purpose that is Divine, and like all things that are meant, that are created and molded and given to us each as the gift of the Goddess are also as Divinely and timed and planned, so, too, are the truths which we are compelled to give silently and without our knowing so, about ourselves, and which is the one thing that we sense in others, and is a thing that we all need to tap into and touch upon or else we are left to the whims of the imagination run amok. We allow who we are to delve into places unknown, and in doing so are the catalyst for the unfolding and eventual blossoming of the whole self, as it is meant to be seen, as it is meant to be shared, not only with the world, not only with the Divine, but mostly, with our very selves.

It is within ourselves where this Divine intelligence lives, and within ourselves where it is that we are alive and well and knowing fully that who we are as we are is meant to be. We are meant to be these people who we are now, and in this consciousness we are also meant to draw to us the people who are there and now and who, by the very grace of the Goddess, are there, sharing with us who we are for the purpose of a shared mission. We share our lives with people for this purpose, with this energy and with this big love within that is meant for us to know, for sure, that we are here on purpose, and that Spirit has a thought in Her that is for us to crawl slowly like we have had far too much to drink, and sometimes for us to run like hell away from something that we might need, and sometimes, we are just meant to sit and ponder what is happening in our lives, all the time, and to pay attention to the things which visit us, delight us, enrage us, give a pause to think about why it is that we think that somehow, if we are not so great, why do we have a divine purpose?

Because we do, that’s why, and Spirit doesn’t have to tell us what it is, why it is, when it will fully mature – all we need to do, all we need to ponder, all we need, period, is to know that whatever it is, it is meant, and whatever it is, it is purposeful, and whatever it is, it is meant to hone us to the brilliance that we have always been, to remind us that we are not just people, but people with a mission, and one that is shared, and that all that we go through, all the things that we have and have not, all and everything that we know, is meant, even if it sucks and hurts and seems as though it has taken from us the thing that made us who we are. We make us who we are. Nothing outside of us makes us who we are. Nothing that we can hold, unless we are so blessed by Spirit and told so, tangibly, is anything more than the result of the power and can be seen only as that – as the ultimate proof that indeed we are the most powerful people in our own lives, so why are we worried about so many things that we might believe are the most important things in our lives?

Because as sentient beings we have been allowed to learn our lives long that we are empowered by our selves, through our selves, and within our selves, and the moment that we are in disbelief of this one thing is when we also begin to notice what are the limits that maybe we have imposed upon ourselves so that we would better be able to learn the things that we do not want to learn, in the most compassionate way that the Mother Goddess can provide, even when it means a significance of loss so grand that on our human own, we cannot comprehend, and when it is that we cannot comprehend the why, and we do not want to think anymore about the how, it is at that point that we know, based on all the other things in the past that we should be looking at, worked out for us.

The past cannot be changed, but it can be referred to, and in grand form we look back there and only point to and out those things that broke our hearts and made us hurt, all the way down the to bones of our souls. We cannot ever take away the measure of the pain from the losses we end up going through, but we can gauge the way that we have evolved through how well we make it through them.

We cannot measure what is someone else’s loss according to how we are measuring our own, so without a thought, we choose to judge who we are in relation, not to them, but to their experiences, and we end up judging those who, we do not realize, love, unreasonably, the human potential to harm others. We should not be learning further the power that is in hurt, for it is within this power that we are able to create pain for others, and no one needs that. Instead, we should be otherwise inclined to do only what does the least harm, and what makes the least chaos, and what is, in fact, a form of Love from Spirit that can only come from hardship, that can only come from the lessons that we alone must learn, even as we are in the company of those we love the most.

I suppose that I wrote this particular thing today because of all of the major losses, because of all of the things that we are each and all going through, and it all makes us feel so very all alone, and while I know that this does not take the sting of anything away from any one of us, I do know that when I write in this manner, when it is that the message that is being given comes to me in a hot instance, and when it is that we are all grinding our proverbial teeth, readying ourselves for the thing that comes next, we are empowered. We are empowered because of who and what we are, not what we have, not who we know who we might perceive as being empowered by some outer eminence that only they have contained within themselves.

We are all great, and we are all prone to moments of clarity through the measures of pain and heartache that we all end up going through. Mostly, we want to crawl inside of our inner hiding places, and we want to stay there in that warmth of darkness, of not having to deal with the things that our lives, as storied as they may be, give to us. We want to pretend like the things that shatter us, no matter what those things might be, are never going to allow us to have the completion and the wholeness that we each and all crave. It is in our losses where we gain, at least the most of us, and some of our losses cannot be gauged in human terms – only spiritual ones, because those are the very ones which count the very most.

No, I am not talking about when someone leaves our lives through means not our own or perhaps means not ready for. I am talking about things that take us away from our own ability to be reasonable, to not think in terms of what it is that our imagination is giving us in terms of who we are. Who we are is infinite, and the moment that we wear this on the outside rather than only hiding it from the rest of the world for fear that what it might seem to judge us for, this is when we are in the energy of the infinite, the energy that is wholeness, Divine on every level and where it is that finally, we are living from the middle of our soul rather than the platform of our ego selves.

Nope….this isn’t a writing that was honed throughout the week, but is a message from the Divine that reminds us all that yes, indeed, we hurt, on many levels, and for a whole lot of very, very, very good reasons. The people who hurt the most right now do not need to hurt the most, but it is the only way that they can get through what it is that they are faced with.

…the rest of us?

Yeah…we need to not forget that who we are, all the way to the bones of the soul, is infinite, and that the things which are outside of us are not.

This has been a public service announcement from Spirit…

I Love You All

ROX

Soul With Teeth Shark1

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You can’t fix shattered

In all of life there are many tangible things which can be repaired, but only one intangible thing is almost impossible to repair once it is shattered. That one thing is Trust.

*****

We are not born trusting others.  At the time of our birth, we are not but as primal as is any other creature in all of mammalia. We are, essentially, just like the creatures of the forest and of the jungle – we are animals. We have to be taught trust, just like we have to be taught anything at all. We must have evidence that there is a reason to trust, or to not trust, and through it all, we have to still live in the outer world. No one knows what it is like to have that trust breached until it happens, and then the rest of our awareness becomes tainted with mistrust. We begin to question our own thoughts, and our own validity in so far as who we are and what it is that we need, from others, and more, from ourselves.

If there is one thing that I have a hard time dealing with that is mine alone to deal with, it is being able to trust others not to hurt me, being able to take them on their word that who I am matters. This is not something that just happened to me overnight. It took the almost entire 44 years that I have been on this planet for me to garner the energy that is mistrust. Yet, that mistrust, over the years, has served me very well, namely lately, when there is so, so much happening in my life, and all of what is happening is good. Because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I have a hard time thinking, sometimes, that other people do not have my best interests at heart, at least as much as I know I have theirs, and sometimes, it very dearly hurts me to my core.

And it is in the core middle of us all where this resides, this energy of mistrust, the memories that caused it all to solidify, and the things that hurt us, still.  Trust is hard, make no mistake, and any more now, lots and lots of us are breaking out of that mistrusting energy, and it is because we have been also given the evidence of what is not trust versus what is our truth.

Let’s look at the energy that is trust for a moment, shall we? There are a million and one things in this lifetime that would cause us to mistrust anyone at all, just as much as there is a whole lot of evidence that would tell us that we can trust certain things and people and energies. My own issues with trusting other people not to hurt me comes from a lifetime of my being hurt by others. It is not their fault. They don’t know, and didn’t know, at least a lot of them, that I hurt so badly. There were those few, though, who knew what they were doing, who knew just how to make me hurt, make me cry and make me ultimately not trust them. I still don’t trust them. I cannot trust a person who willingly hurts me, and I will not trust a person who is malicious enough to make that hurt substantial, and all of it, mind you, has been substantial.

My trust issues stem from a lifetime of being emotionally abandoned by people who were significant in  my life. Whether it was a caretaker, or a relative, or the person who fathered my children, it didn’t matter when the time came and they proved themselves as being untrustworthy. Being able to trust someone is tantamount in any kind of relationship. Being able to depend on others to live up to everything they tell us that they will do is a rarity anymore. Too many of us want to speak our truth, but we don’t want to know how that truth is going to affect someone else. We expect people to take us for our word, and then some of us do everything doable to push the line and break that trust, just to see how far we can go with our own garbage.

It bothers me a lot that too many people still want to say things to make people feel better for the moment, but when proving time comes and we want them to live up to their words, they have every excuse as to why it is that they cannot, will not, and may never be able to. People tend to bite off more than they can chew, namely where matters of the heart are concerned. Matters of the heart seem to be the one place in life that people fail others, miserably. I have been told many times that I cannot produce enough results for certain others to trust my words. Then when I come through with exactly what I said I would, it is still not enough and at that point it is an automatic thing for me to do what I can to make what I said I would do happen. I do so, not to please them, but because my level of integrity is what it is, and in my world, it is one of the most important traits that anyone who I share my world with has got to have. Period. Yes, I expect at least as much as I offer…again…period.

Every abuse survivor knows this energy, the energy that is feeling like we have to prove ourselves to even the most unworthiest of people. Every one of us knows what it feels like to know that we are telling the truth, to know that whatever it is that we have promised that we are doing our very highest best to get done, and all it takes is one douchey person to crush that energy within us. You can sit there and tell me all you want that it is the other person, and while I will know this to be the fact and the truth, it will not make me think otherwise about me and my efforts. I am always going to, until I have learned to stop trying harder, try harder, and it is not because of someone else needing that instance of my own evidence brought to them to prove that I am every bit as trustworthy as I tell and prove to anyone else that I am. It is because I am me.

I hate second guessing myself, but when a person has been met, told, experienced nothing but the disappointment in outcome by others after what could be thought, sometimes, as a herculean effort to make others see who I am for real and that what it is that I say and do for anyone is golden. On the other side of that is the person who may or may not have realized that this is what I will do, that I will second guess myself and it is not because of anything that they did directly but rather and only the energies produced by whatever it was that was happening at the time, perhaps in their lives, or my own life, or a mixture of both.

Then there are those people who, for whatever reason they may have, do things to test us, who try hard to make things difficult for us, just because they can, and just because they, themselves, hurt so much. Pain is the indicator that a violation has occurred, and pain is the thing that all of us are trying to not have to deal with, yet deal with it we must. I know emotional pain, so well, in fact, that I have turned the utilization of that pain to teach others how to heal their own lives from the emotional pains they have suffered. Pain is the indelible marker for where we have been. It is the thing which, unlike a goal towards which we propel our very selves, makes us run and want to hide from the world. I have experienced so much emotional pain throughout the course of this lifetime that in this lifetime I chose to turn it into my work in the world.

I did it- my pain – because I can trust my pain to be the realness that I have been told that I have within me. I do what I do in the world and in my line of work because I am an expert on not only how we end up with the pain that has been served up to us on a tarnished silver platter, but more, how we can, right this moment, use that energy to heal ourselves and take us to the next level of awareness.

This is what mistrust by others and given to others can do for us – it can make us see ourselves for real. There are not a lot of people who know or accept just exactly the realness of who I am, of where I have been in this lifetime, and what I have been through.  There are very few people who know the depth of who I am and even fewer who I know I can trust with me.  It took me a whole lot of time to get to where I am right now emotionally, and still, it is not enough to reverse the energy that is mistrust for others and their motives. I always think that people are trying to get the best of me, and when I think that way, it becomes my truth. This is not the truth that I like wearing. It is simply due to the tattered pieces of what was once my reality, and the evidence that people like hurting others, because that is where their own misguided power lies – in that ability to make life hard in an emotional and spiritual sense for someone else.

This starts when we are children. When we are promised by the adults in our lives that we are going to have something, that they are going to provide both tangibles and intangibles for us that we can count on. When a child is told one thing and that one thing is not clearly stated as to what it will be, automatically we are thrust into a place within where we are not sure of ourselves, because someone else made sure to it that, even as we are so dependent on them for everything, they did not care enough to make sure to it that their words are made truth for that kid. As time passes, and those promises and words broken continue to happen, those things that creepy people bring to our lives are reinforced by it all.

People wonder why it is that I have a hard time with the words of others, and I shouldn’t, but I am willing to admit that I do.  It is, because of all of the things that have been a part of my own awareness and all of the crap that I have had to endure, and everything else that constitutes as being the daily living of humans, difficult for me to allow others into my privacy of my Soul.

Yet, when I do, it is because they have proved themselves to me, have proved that how I feel means something, and it means that they have an empathetic part of them that understands what it is like to have trusted people with themselves and their very core being, and have been able to get through it unscathed, even though the memories may well be the thing that broke them, as well.

I trust that peoples’ reactions and responses to what I put forth are their truth. However, I have a hard time with people telling me that I am somehow the reason why anything will befall them, as if I have that kind of power or control over what it is that they are thinking. I tend to cling to the bad things I have told, the things that others have responded to me with that cut me to the core, and it is because other people are not very sure of my own intentions, and my own intentions are not what they are thinking they are. When I say that I don’t need help, I mean I do not need it. When I am merely stating something, it is just a statement. If it is my intent to hurt someone, it isn’t as though I say nothing about it – I am not afraid to tell others how I feel, and I am not scared to let them know when they have offended my soul.  It doesn’t happen much, and most of the time it comes from someone who means something to me, the infraction of the soul that is unbeknownst to them.

Most of the time, it is nothing against me. Most of the time it is their own fear of my abandoning them, and most of the time, as it would be for me with them, I, too, am scared to death of being emotionally abandoned, of being rejected, of just plain old not being good enough. This is the truth that I was given my whole life, and is the truth which daily I find myself figuring out is not the truth, that it was the truth of many people who just figured that I was a little kid, that I would grow out of the hurts and the heartaches, and that one day I might be able to grow from it all.

Trust. It is the most intangible thing on the planet, and is what we need to be able to have with and for other people. If we have no trust, and we cannot trust the reactions that others have with and for us, and we cannot feel safe in the idea that we are loved wholly and completely by others, then, too, we cannot also believe that we, ourselves, are trusting who we are enough to be able to know what is our truth and discern what is not our truth that could be that of others’. It is when we deny who we are with ourselves that this becomes a problem. I know who I am, to me and in my life, and I know who I am to others and in their lives. Now, the bitch of it all will be no longer allowing what was someone else’s truth of me from a time in the past where, really, it was not my fault, and it was surely not my problem, because adults in the lives of children can be the worst perpetrators of mistrust on the planet and in our close relations.

I know that I can trust the people who mean the most to me. I know they have my best interests at heart. Sometimes, those people pay the toll for those who have hurt me and continue to try to hurt me, but it’s all good…I lived through them, and I will continue to do so, and more, because so is the nature of life on this planet with other humans. Humans can be assholes, make no mistake, but all of us with eyes in our heads to read these words have been there, have even done that in terms of being the asshole.

Sometimes, the most appropriate reaction is a response, not to anyone else, but to and for ourselves.  And really, this is something that all of us needs to practice…not furthering the mistrust within us, but learning to discern who is hurting us purposely, and who is not. I know who is trying to hurt me, at all times.

More than that, I also know who is not.

I will state right now that I have learned, and have learned well, what it is to hurt, and I will state right now that indeed, I do know what it is to take that hurt and all that is entailed within it, and have turned it into something that can only make me better as time passes by. I know that along my own path that I will end up being hurt, and that I will suffer more losses, and that, too, I will be lied to, but this does not mean that I am going to revert to living in the truth that may well actually be someone else’s truth about me. They are fine and good to have that truth.

…because I will always have mine…just like you, too, will always have what is your own absolute and beautiful truth that is yours.

I Love You All

ROX

1MANA_O_BLOG Drunken Hula Meme


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