Tag Archives: Darkness

The Wreckage that We are at Times


The propensity that we have towards not feeling our own pain and believing that we can handle our lives without feeling it is what today’s post is all about.

You can all call me a whiny bitch all you want. I know the truth.

I know that I am strong and resilient, and I also know that there are going to be things that happen that will test my resolve, as things have for the last month, and will mess with my composure, and at the same time, show me not only what I am made of, but what others are also made of. I found out that I am not made of sugar and spice, but rather  a collective of memories that I keep having to live through everyday, just so that I can get through them and over it all.

What I am, right this moment, is someone who is a ball of jumbled emotions. I am, or at least can be, very adept at not feeling what I am feeling at any given moment. I have been that way for a long time. No matter what, though, this time, and these emotions are not going away if I do not acknowledge them. 

And Goddess-bless certain people for trying to lift me out of my mood…I have been made aware by my Spirit Mother and Sisters that I have to feel them, because if I do not feel them, I cannot know how to help anyone else deal with them. This is not my copping out, and is not my being a martyr – this is simply my being the constant Shaman in training, the very one who willingly traverses the Path of the Black Flame. (And yes I do realize that that is also the title of a magazine published by the church of Satan but..it is surely not the same thing…please…keep reading…)

I am realizing one thing – when it is that we are supposed to go through a lot of bullshit, the Universe will serve us up with a ton of it, and no matter what it is that we are thinking we can do to avoid a lot of things that we do not want to deal with, deal with those things we will. I am writing SPECIFICALLY about myself in that, if there is a person on this planet who (a) does not like watching other people suffer, (b) would rather be the one to absorb it all for anyone else, and (c) is learning that in my wanting to do for them what it is that they are learning, I am not learning. What I am not wanting to learn is how to navigate my silly Pisces okole out of this madness.

There are a lot of people who will tell you that if there is one person who has the ability to bounce back from the bullshit that seems to have always plagued my life, it is me.

However, when I look back into the years that I have been able to do the escape artist thing, I find that I have done myself no favors at all, in fact, and those non-favors have led me to have to seek help from other healers. Once it is that I can get past all of the things that broke my heart, no matter who were the ones who’d done it (and mind you I do know that PLENTY of them meant no harm…), no matter how much I do not care to face yet one more little tiny bit of bullshit, face it all, I must. 

Face it all…

I am reminded of the …cute…nature of Disney character “Dory” from “finding Nemo,” with her famous mantra being “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.”

There is not a Pisces on this planet who does not know what this is like – the idea that in order to survive the insanity of the ocean of emotion, we have the choice to keep swimming.  In nature, fish have no other real defenses, not even the big scary ones, and it is the reason that most of them swim away from danger. I mean, even in a fish bowl, a fish will try to swim away from something that it senses will hurt it. Try it at home if you can, and you will find out that I am right – stick your finger into a bowl with a goldfish in it, and while that creature will, at first, be curious about the thing that has just come into its watery abode, once it is that it finds out it cannot eat it, said goldfish will swim as far away from your finger that it can, just so that it can remain safe. This is natural for them, to swim from what it is that appears or they sense to be not food or to be some sort of predator coming for it.

Using this same analogy, if it is that we stick our finger in the fishbowl too much, and once in every while we actually touch the gills of the fish in the bowl, eventually that fish is going to chafe, and eventually that fish is going to have a very different response to its own curiosity – and that response is called fear. We fear that which we know is not comfortable, and we fear that which we have no idea about, and we fear whatever it is that we have denied long enough so that we could, at least for a little while, not have to fear those things. Yet, we forget that we have to go through all of that shit, have to deal with the things that we are not exactly too thrilled about having to do.

And yes, I have indeed have had very much enough of that thing called “all this bullshit.” I have had enough of all the hurt and the heartache, to the point where now, if I do not face it all, I will be dealing with more and more of this manifestation of physical pain in lieu of facing the inner demons of simply just not wanting to hurt anymore. It is one of those things that, unless you are me, are my twin flame, are particularly close to me in any manner, you are not going to have the reality of this thing that I am experiencing. This thing that I am experiencing is called pain.

Pain is the indicator light

We human beings ascribe attributes of non-human things to ourselves. I like using a car for my own. Because I have had a lot of difficulties lately with my own vehicle, I can truly say that my Wonderbucket and I, at this moment, have the same issues. The differences are obvious – it is a car. I am a person. It is not running, and I am still breathing. However, my vehicle ran the distance until she was tired, and my vehicle worked hard for me even though I knew that sometimes, she just needed to be parked under a shady tree for a day or two, and always, my vehicle did not let me down. While she may never run again, my vehicle, no matter what, will always be the place that I am able to find solace.

Not only is my vehicle out of commission, my ambulation has been hampered – knee injury…happened whilst performing a labor of Love and a labor of Love which I would do, again and again, and would not bat an eye at it if I ended up, every time, injuring my knee. That I have an injury is one thing – it happens to the best of us. That I have a knee injury specifically is the thing that makes me shudder a little bit in that, hula is danced from the knees and the feet, and through this injury, I have been shown exactly how much not only my legs and my ability to walk, dance, move about, actually mean to me and more, how much my life is not the same, albeit temporarily, without my Medicine Dance.

I have learned a whole lot about myself, and the one thing that I have learned as of this moment is that we all have that point at which we can take no more. Even as this might be true, while we can take no more is one thing, but that what other people are bringing to us that we can take no more of we HAVE TO be able to tell the difference between what is meant to hurt, and what is an attempt that, through our emotional guidance, we are not privy to having to deal with any of it, if that, at any moment, is what we are finding ourselves having to do so as to not have to absorb any more pain, no matter what.

Other people who do not know us and who do not care about what their actions have done to our lives as a whole are, regardless of what we want to think is the truth, also learning. But, I am finding that these are the sort of people who will, without even batting an eye, place the blame of their actions of shittiness onto the people who they have created wreckage for. I am reminded of those who deem themselves “in charge” of anything that has no meaning for anyone other than them. I am reminded of people who take their “manager name tag” and shove it in the faces of the people who they think they are superior to. These are the people, by and large, who have created the very most havoc in my life and in the lives of those particularly close to me. These are the people, I have to believe, want to believe, will try to exact it as being believable even if only to myself, do not know have already, for themselves, started the loop of Karmic grief.

Karmic Grief

This is the part where I give you the cosmic “aaaaahhhhhhh,” and the part where I remind us all, namely myself, that things that suck and feel like they will end our lives as we know it are temporary. 

Don’tcha just hate it when some damned spiritual person comes along and reminds us that everything we are going through is temporary? I am one of those spiritual types and right now I dislike very much reading my own words, but, I have to read them, because I have to believe them, because if anyone wants all of this burdensome bullshit to be over with, it is me (and a few others very close to me). The thing that I like calling “Karmic Grief” is the other side of this pain that collectively, many of us are feeling right this moment.

I would love to tell you that they get theirs when we want them to, but that is not what happens. What happens is that they get theirs when it is most pertinent to the thing that they are exacting now. This means that if someone in your life, regardless of how close you are to them, and more so if you cannot stand them, has harmed your heart and soul in any manner at all, no matter how much we want to see them suffer what it is that we are suffering, it will not come to them until it means something to them that whatever it is that they are putting us through they too will go through.

For instance, there is a woman I know of who likes to behave like a man, and it is proved by the way that she treats men. I am not going to sit here and tell anyone that I can tell you how or when her karmic grief is going to get her, but what I will state is that, without a doubt, it is coming for her, and she will be helpless to do a thing about it when it does. If she does not learn from the havoc that she has wreaked onto at least myself and one other person, then she will end up going through that same measure of grief again and again until she learns that she is not allowed to make peoples’ lives hard and practically ruin them just because she has that material power to do so.

Material power is different than soul power, because material power is finite, while soul power is infinite. (Think about it) Using one’s material power (physical, real or imagined, bullying in one way or another) is easier than going with what your soul is telling you to do. It is your soul’s power that prompts any one of us to ultimately look at the pain and feel the compulsion to deal with it, even though we know that it is going to suck…badly. Using our soul’s power makes us focus on ourselves and not on the things that we see in other people that we, ourselves, cannot “fix” for ourselves. When we cannot “fix” something is when we are being told that what we are faced with is something that we have to deal with, that we cannot turn from, and that ultimately will make us far stronger than the weakness that we are feeling right now in the material. This does not change things for any of us, at least not topically. What it does do is gives us an option – to face (soul power)…or not to face (material power).

In the time that we go through what we will go through when we opt to go with our souls and get through things from the soul, out, we will, for sure, blame otehrs for how we feel, even though the blame for our feeling any way is not what they are responsible for. They are responsible for bringing the pain to us. Our kuleana with that pain is to heal ourselves from it. This does not, at all, make things at all different. They are still who brought the pain. We are still who must feel it and work through it. This does not excuse the pain if it were done on purpose (refer to the thing about me, one other person, and that “manager pin” worn on the sleeve). What it does, believe it or not, is gives us leverage. It does this through the mechanism of them thinking they have hurt us, which they have, and our begging them for mercy, which sometimes we do, and our eventually realizing that we never needed them to give us mercy. We needed them to show us the next lesson.

That’s it. Really. That’s it. In relegating them to this position of merely bringing us the lesson, we take from them the one thing that they hope, like all people like this would be, would be the thing that they need to keep control over us in some manner. When we remove from them, through our choosing to see things through the eyes of the soul rather than the material and we understand what it is that, materially, we mean to them. They actually need us – we never need anyone else to make us feel powerful by their ability to take from us what they think and assume makes them feel more powerful and is ours- material, or otherwise. Empowerment does not come from denying others their power. It comes from respecting them even when they are at their weakest, period. If they do not respect you and never did, that is a them thing, not a you thing…keep reading.

It is not our place to wish bad things onto anyone. It is not our place to want them to hurt like we do, but wish it upon them we will (I can think of four right now…two bitch boys and two manchicks). This is when we end up creating that karmic circle for ourselves, all over again. The lesson, at least for me, in part, I know, is that I have to stop wishing certain peple would suffer, because in doing so, I have to suffer. Right now, the suffering that I am doing is all mine, make no mistake, but it is not because I want suffering for anyone (at least not for real). It is, rather and instead, because that is how I roll. I do not like to suffer, but I will suffer if I am meant to. Learning means that sometimes, we have to go through pain. I am in pain in more ways than one. A lot of us are.

It is not something that will make any of us feel any better about what it is that is right here and now. Karma is not meant to be that way. Karmic grief is not up to us to exact, and if we are lucky we will be somewhere nearby when it all starts for these certain others, for no other reason than to have a sense of confirmation and closure to the pain.

If we are lucky, the Universe will show us glimpses of things being made right and will make it so that we are no way, and in the right energy, the one who is blamed for the karmic grief of others. Understand now that there is a difference between feeling grief, and grieving. The grief about which I am writing and that we feel is to be thought of as our having to deal with a lot of bullshit. But, grieving over things is totally different. We feel grief when others bring it to us, but, we grieve over things, not only that we have lost, but that we seem not to understand the reason as to why it is those things which hurt us are so very hard for us to deal with.

So, if it is that you are experiencing the wreckage that has become your own life, take heart in a few things:

  1. While it might seem very…naive…of me to state so, and even while I, myself, am having a very dearly hard time dealing with even my own words about this shit, whatever it is that you are experiencing and is making you feel grief, it is temporary.
  2. You are not the circumstances of your life. You are a human being. You are worthy of Love and self-acceptance for that alone. You are not required to proverbially beat the shit out of you just because the world seems to have a different idea about it.
  3. The things that mean the most to us might not be the things that we need for this time in our lives, and this also applies to people and the way that we are treated by them, no matter who they are. They might not be able to handle whatever it is that you are dealing with, and in like kind, they will go away and return another time.
  4. Where there appears to be a “hole in the soul” is actually space for something new.

When it seems as though we are not getting what it is that we want, we have to look at the other side of it, to the things that we need. Maybe we need to learn to just live without certain things and people in our lives. I don’t know. I don’t like doing either of those things. But, if it means that I will,eventually, be better and stronger for having done so, then I suppose that which I thought was lost was never mine to begin with.


Medicine Dance Book Cover Front Draft RJB

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The darkness is scary, not because it is darkness, but because of what is in it that the Light reveals. 

We all have a shadow, all of us. There are even elements of our Shadow within our Light and it is meant to be this way for one singular purpose – balance. Without the darkness we float along the ether not realizing that we need to come down from the clouds and that we should opt to come down willingly rather than wait to be knocked down . It is the ego self that makes it this way, because the ego wants nothing to do with the pain that it causes for us. It is the ego within that tells us that we have to hide from the light when in the presence of our own darkness.

The presence of our own darkness

it is not the presence of our light that scares us, but the presence of our darkness that is revealed by our light that hurts. It hurts because for a long time we have tried to wear only the lighted smile, and have only tried to carry the weightlessness that is the Love and the Light as One. We recognize the light, and we adhere to it, and we do so thinking that we have no darkness.

I am sorry, loves, but just as nothing can be hidden when the light is there, neither can that which be called “darkness” exist without our being afraid of it being exposed by our own light.

More than a lot else, we are more ashamed of what we are not aware of, of that which the light reveals that we are either not believing is there, do not want to believe is there, or really, we just do not realize that it is there, this thing called the Darkness. We cannot be fully aware of who we are without our darkness. Where it is that a person has been told they are way too vain is someone else not acknowledging, at all, that they are as vain, if not worse. It is the same with a person who is addicted to something, or an activity, or yes, even a substance, and who points out the things that another is addicted to and by. Where it is that we might not have a drug addiction, the moment that we point it out in someone else, we know, right at that moment, that we, too, are addicted to something.

It happened to me…and probably you, too

I will not lie to anyone about it, but I know that part of my darkness is my vanity. While I am not one who wears any make-up, I am one who has an issue with one stinking little gray hair poking its way through the black madness that I have the nerve to call hair. If my hair is not all one uniform color, and yes, I am aware that it is my age and nothing more than that which makes the grays poke out of my skull, I will refuse to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone who I have not seen in a few weeks until I have dyed it all. I am not one to pay much attention to fashion trends but when I wear something “trendy” I have gotta be the only one in the room who is wearing it.

I am not one who bothers with the attention given to what is on the outside of me, but when it comes to my large vocabulary and my penchant for using big words, regardless of the company I am in at the time, I like using big words. I do this because I like to pretend sometimes that I embody the phrase “All brains and this, too.” Yes, it bothers me sometimes how vain and arrogant I can be about (of all things) my ability to be the world’s greatest word snob anyone knows. It bothers me sometimes that I will stop and look at my reflection but only to see if I have anymore gray hairs. It bothers me that what my darkness is happens to be the same thing that I am able to just point out, in anyone, no matter what, and always, I know that i am correct.  I know when I am in the presence of other snot-nosed women who think they know better than everyone else, who think, by the very degrees that hang on our walls, that somehow, we are just the best things with brains and walkin’ on two legs.

I hate admitting it, but it is the very truth of me. I like being very intelligent, and for a time it was that intelligence that also was my crutch and my darkness. Because I was told for many years that I was brilliant and bright, intellectually, that when I was younger I did everything I could to dumb myself down so that I could fit in, and when I got older, and sometimes even to this day, depending upon exactly what it is that is being discussed, I did and do everything within my power to make it known that I am not a stupid woman.

Yet, this does not mean that I have to allow that part of me be the only thing that is awesome. And it is awesome in a dark and imposing way, because I know that if I were not this version of me, it would be that hauntingly intelligent, big giant IQ that would be the fodder for the ego’s growth. Well, none of us needs help, really, growing our egos. We all need help understanding it more than much else.

The Ego is the part of us each that makes us think that no matter what, we have to be better than someone else.

No, we do not. We cannot. The reason that we cannot is that we are each and all awesome, period. I am not awesome playing any musical instrument, but my friends, most of them, are, and in likewise kind, my musical friends would much rather read my writing than help me write anything – they are not writers, but I am, and I am not a musician, but they are. This is our light, respectively. They bring beauty and love to me in the manner that is warming to my hula soul. I bring to them a different thought about the brainy chick and about how I apply my brain to their life situations. Together, while I am not musically inclined, I am beauty-inclined in that I appreciate their beauty in the music that is their light borne of the darknesses that they each have in their lives. In kind, it is with my words that i am able to tell them, through poems, through my blogs, through my simply emailing them and venting, what is the condition of my soul and pour out onto them the things that are making me hurt.

If it were that I was way more egotistical and arrogant about the reality that is my love for words, or, if it were that they were somehow more inclined to think that maybe I can hang with things on my own and without their input, thereby not reciprocating back to me the energy that is healing on the soul level from and by them, not one of us would be able to well understand one another, namely on the soul level, because we would only be doing what it is that we each do for the gain of the glory given to us by others. But it is not like that, at all. It is a beautiful thing to know that my musicians love me as much as I love them. It is a beautifully glorious thing that we all relate to one another on the level that is all and only the soul. It is a grandly gorgeous thing that because we have this understanding of one another that even when we are not being our top-notch selves, we are being true to who we each are and also true to who we are within the boundary of the soul family we created with one another.

Learn to embrace your darkness

I talk to a LOT of people. It is my job in this lifetime. Through those people I am able to see my own darkness, able to bring them to a place where they are allowed to be who they really are without making up a good enough reason for being this person. The one thing that I notice first and fastest is that on some level, they feel like they are responsible for the things that other people say and do in regards to them. They fall into a melancholy state and are not aware of the fact that they are carrying a weight that is not theirs. The moment they realize this is one thing, but the moment they accept it and believe it is an entirely other thing all together. They learn that who they are is not what they have done, but that what they have done is how they ended up where they are at any given moment. When they accept that they are not perfect and that only they have the right to judge themselves is when they also begin to accept that sometimes, things are just going to be the way they are, no matter what. It is the acceptance of the darkness and not only the light that comes into play for them.

Don’t fear the Darkness

We need to not shun our dark places, because in our dark places we always  will be required to return to the light within us each. It is never the darkness that kills our spirit or our inner flame, but rather the fear of the light which will shine on those places and reveal parts of us that we are not that proud of.  What no one thinks about is that all of us has a shadow side, and all of us has stuff about ourselves that we are not really too thrilled to have as a truth.

At the same time, while it is that we are going through the things that are our darkness, we can feel safe in the idea that the darkness is being revealed because of the light. The light will never let anything not be seen that needs to be seen, and no matter what we do or try to do in trying to hide things, they will, no matter what, come out. Better to let them come out to breathe, to see the light, to be part of you and who you are becoming than to hide it all, there beneath the surface of what is and hiding in the mask that is “what is not.”

There is much fear in the darkness, because it is where things hide. It is when the light is allowed to seep into the cracks in our resolve and break through the barriers of who we think we are to the truth of who we are that through the pain caused by who we are not and have never been that we can utilize our darkness.

So, you see, it is not the darkness that we truly fear as much as the light who we are is and shines on those places we fear being and showing the most. Embrace the darkness.

You cannot recognize what is the light without the darkness.




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