Category Archives: leaving an abusive relationship

It doesn’t even matter


The things which we no longer have are the things which no longer matter. The hurt which remains is there to teach you something about you.

“I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.” (Linkin Park’s “In the End”)

I lost my house in Helendale in July of 2008. While it hurt a bit, I cannot lie and say that the world was over with for me, because it wasn’t. I realized quite early on afterwards that it was meant to be like this. It was meant that I would no longer be in that place for the purpose of my having to begin the process of shedding what was once real to me.

What was once real to me was not for me to become very attached to, because in becoming attached to it all, I would suffer the worst hurt ever, which would be the stinging blows to the pride within me that would tell me that somehow, I deserved to lose everything that I thought mattered to me. And again, I cannot lie – the house, while it mattered to me a little bit, the idea that I lived where I lived mattered to me a whole lot.

Where I lived was a huge source of pride for me, but here I am, years later, and I realize that what was the source of pride was not what I thought it was, but rather and only the illusion of what was, versus what it became. What it became was a monster of proportions so huge and so…untamed…that for at least one person who used to live in that house, the loss of it was something that they’d felt on levels that not a lot of people would feel if they were not so attached to that tangible item.

And really, that is truly what any actual standing building that a person or a group of people would live inside of and call home. It is not the actual building, but what it represents. For me, the house represented a place where memories would be made, with neighbors who were some of the most pleasant people I had ever known.

Yet, here I am, seven years later, almost, and things have changed markedly.

I no longer care about the house that I no longer owed a lot of money on. The only memories that I have of that place that can be called good and real are the ones of my kids, of my hula halau, of the treasure called friends who, when I thought about it, are two of the very best people I know and two people who I love immensely. While I no longer own all the vehicles, no longer have access to the golf course, the lakes, I have what can never be taken from me.

I have me.

I have this me.

Losing something as big as the family home is not something that I hadn’t been through at least once in my lifetime, and that is probably why I was okay the day that I have to pack up my entire house, without the help of certain others, and leave that life behind. The reason that life had to be left behind and the reason why that life and the loss of it no longer matters is because even in all of that loss, the one thing that was gained by me was not just “this me.”

I gained, through the losses, the reality of two people who, no matter what, have always been there for me (Hi April…Hi Tim…I Love You Guys!) Through that loss, I regained and revived and recreated hula to become what, for me and a lot of people like me, it was meant to be, which is not a Polynesian review show, but medicine. I gained, through that hurt, a new lesson to work through and to turn into The Sisterhood of The Soul, and through that group of healer women who are also my cousins, have created what is the beginning of things as they ought to be.

And that is not the only loss that I gained from, really. I gained the bravery to confront my abuser, to tell him that we are done and that within but a very short time here now, it will be on paper. I gained the knowledge that even as I have been the very one to have to learn to heal me, without the hurt of feeling like my own blood relations skipped out on me when things got to be really too much for me to deal with, I gained the right to call myself a strong, Stand Alone Human Being.  This does not mean they all skipped, because the ones who mattered the most never did. It just seemed that way at times.

Seriously…in the end, it doesn’t even matter

When we are able to get past the hurt, and when we are able to look at the dragons which once invaded our waking life and our sleeping dreams, and when we can see things from a new perspective, this is when things that we thought mattered no longer matter as much. It is when we realize that we have learned what we are meant to learn from any given situation that our lives will begin to blossom.

For instance, not too long ago, I was very upset with my parents, and it was over something that was a source of pride for me. I won’t go on with what it was all about. I will just state here that the last time that hurt visited me was yesterday, and when I say the last time, I mean exactly that.

I mean that no matter what it is that I want to do for them or for anyone else, the one person who I need to do the most for is me. This is not my telling anyone that you have to be selfish, because being selfish is very counterproductive.

What I mean is that, once we let go of the grip that we have on certain ideals, on certain things that we think we have to have be a certain way, on things that we believed mattered for so long and which really do not matter in the manner that they once mattered, we are, at that point, in a stage of growth. The sooner that we really wrap our heads around this, and the sooner that we accept this one thing, the sooner we will find out the reason that we hurt for so long.

Vice Grip

Lots of us like to have a vice-grip on things that we ought to not have said grip on. When we choose the energy onto which we will hang we have to remember that there are good reasons to hang onto it, and then there are all the other reasons. 

We each have our own reason for hanging on to the energy, or, on the other side of that, allowing the energy to have its vice-grip on us.

There are times when this grip is welcomed, when it is needed and when it is pleasant, and then there are all the other times.

There are times when it is that we do not want the vice-grip loosened, when we would rather bathe our own selves in that energy because it is so very welcoming and so very…much a part of us…that to release it would cause our own energy field a whole lot of havoc…then, there are all those other times.

It is all those other times that we need to help ourselves understand why it is that we want to believe that we are meant to hang onto it.

Recently, one of those two very good friends ended his own struggle with a vice-grip energy that was not an energy that would have helped him grow into the person who he is becoming. It took us months to realize that what he was seeking had been so easily attained that once it was that he was able to allow this vice-grip to no longer have him in that bind of hurt, things just seemed to be much lighter for him. He’d have never made it through the same lesson one more time. It would have wrecked him for the rest of his life in many more ways than only one.

On my part and in my life, even as there is a very lovely vice-grip energy that I am lucky to have whenever I can get it, there is the other side of that, which is the side and the thing which prompted this writing today.

Too many teachers of the Divine seem not to tell their charges that things will be harsh before they are not, and the harshest lessons of all are the ones which come from the people who have been in our lives for years and years. On my part of all of this other side of the energy stuff, my biggest challenge over the course of my life has been trying hard to get my blood relations, at least a lot of them, to take me seriously, to have some semblance of respect for at least how I feel, let alone who and what I am, and to take some measure of self-control when speaking of things that at one time meant something to me and which, at this time, I realize, don’t even matter to me as much as I thought it all did.

Why? Because I know that I am not meant for those things, at all, and until I woke up this morning, it did not dawn on me that what I was being taught has been learned, and that what I did not want to accept was accepted a long time ago in that, I am a healer, a writer, a scientist, a spiritualist…and no where in all of those things does anyone read the word “marketing person.”

Even though that is what I used to be, and in some ways still am (someone has to promote me and my girls…we do fine doin’ it all on our own), in that capacity, the one that I started out with their offerings, I am no longer.

That me no longer fits this me’s life and this me’s needs and this me needs things to be a lot more organized for this me to be satisfied with life in that respect. This does not mean that I have no respect for what this set of people are doing. It means that I no longer have to voluntarily obligate me…this me…to their bidding, even as I easily and readily lend myself to their success.

That You is not This You

You know very well that not one of us, at least not without the help of someone experienced in past life regression, can go back in time, at least not for real. We can visit there, and we can take a few moments there, but you have got to admit that even though right now, for myself included and to a limited extent, might suck beyond all which else that sucks, you have to admit that you would so much rather be this version of you than that other you.

That other you was weak in many areas of your own life, and that other you was someone who, from time to time, you did not even like very much. That you did things that this you would never dream of doing, because this you has built a wall of integrity that cannot be demolished by anyone but this you.  This you loves who you are becoming, and that old you..well, that you no longer exists.

That You no longer exists

Believe me or not, the reason that for some of us, life seems to be very difficult right now is because many people don’t realize that the reason things do not work like they once did in the past is because you are now this version of you, and this version of you cannot do things any longer that the old version of you used to do. 

That might be a little hard for you to wrap your head around, and it takes time to ease into the new you, but once it is that you have done just said such easing into things, you will find that you cannot do things like you used to do them. You will find that it is hard to fit into your old lifestyle, with the same type of people who used to be the people who you would do anything for.

You will find out that even though this you requires a little more than the old you did, once you get the hang of it, you will not look back, ever, and neither will you want to. You will learn that there are times which require you to return to pieces of that old you, but in those times you will be beside yourself with wonder because even using some of what was you, even in that instance, it is the new and improved you. 

I cannot lie – I would love nothing more than to no longer live where I am right now, but, the fact of the matter is that, the old me – she is who used to live in that big fat house on the golf course in the desert, and she is who would be hurt by the words that she is reading right now, and that me would pretend that anything else offered in the way of a new place to live would be just fine, even though that me, on the inside, would be dying a death of the ego on many levels.

This me, however, has been actively looking for that new place where new memories, with all of the right people, are going to be made, and this me, while she can be markedly impatient for good things to happen, knows, just because she is this me, that the perfect house where all of these great things will happen is just waiting to tell me that it is the right one for us. This me might be a little on the strange side (a little?), but this me loves me, and this me takes no shit from anyone when in regards to this me and what this me knows is right for me. 

In the end, our losses are meant to teach us to become the best versions of ourselves. Our pain is not meant to live on forever, and is there to make us aware that we are in need of some “me maintenance.” Our past hurts are meant to remind us that we have been through what we needed to go through in order to get to the person who we are becoming, and the people who we are each becoming are meant to go through this crap called loss, pain, hurt, all so that we can recognize what they are and more, recognize the things that are NOT meant to hurt us. 

Me and This Me need to get things moving right along for the day… please make sure that you know what is worth having a vice-grip on, and more, what you will allow to have a vice-grip on you.

I Love You All !


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The Battle

It is at the time we feel the weakest that really, we are our very strongest

If you asked me what my greatest battle is at this moment, it is that while every other part of my life seems to be falling into place, the part that can be called “financial” seems to be the one where I have always had the biggest blockages, not only now, when I have a clue (and when I need more clients), but always, even when I was younger (and it seemed that all would always be well with me because I am a big thinker…apparently the world is still very scared of thinking big. I am not.), and now I am learning not only the value in bartering, but also, in the things that I know have never worked in the past being more and more attractive to me to use in the Now than they were useful to me at the time they were in manifest.

However, I do not want to talk about something so sensitive, because really, I am very sensitive about my income because it all hinges on what other people can pay, and right now, there are not a lot of us on this planet who can pay a whole lot for really very much at all. Instead, I want to talk about the idea that we have always known that whatever did not work in the past might work now (because we also know at this point that if we can see our “choices” as “options” that even merely the change in the word, even though it means the same thing, is a change in the energy which surrounds that word.), and more, the ideas that we have now are able to be tried, but that maybe, just like the stuff that we have to battle with now that has always been there for us to battle, period, that the things we came up with in the past were created in the past so as to understand and use in a current “Soul Battle.”


Inner battle. The battle with the Self. Warring on the Astral Plane …no matter what you want to call it, it is all the same. When we have come to that place called “rock bottom” and we have found ourselves fighting back tears and wrong assumptions and one day, we are given the energy from Spirit that tells us, through other people, that what we have gone through we did not and will not go through it all alone – this is when we know that we have been engaged in a battle royale with someone else, and not in a physical sense.

Not in a physical sense

Our biggest battles are normally fought with ourselves, but always, the way that it happens is that someone else brought to us the idea that whatever it was that we put energy toward was not what their ideal of that same thought energy was, and therefore a battle ensues. The battle of the egos, that is, and the battle for nothing more than just being able to be thought of as “sane.” And I know a whole lot about that sanity thing, because having been through a lot myself, I should be anything but completely in my right mind right now. The battles that we are given are ours for the choosing, and sometimes we choose the right ones, and sometimes we choose the worst ones, and sometimes we choose on behalf of someone else, and that is when we are at our highest best.

The Battles we fight should be thought of as the fire which refines us

I write a lot about how the fires of life are what make us who we are. It is through all of the battles that we go through, mostly the ones that we go through with ourselves, about how we should go about something that make us the nuttiest. What I mean by that can be well exampled by a marriage that has gone very, dearly wrong and one which those within that boundary have found themselves at a loss for the right words to tell the other.

The Overlord of Doucheland

A woman can be married for almost twenty years, and in that time span can be told, or actually, bullied by her husband, not for the right to call himself the head of the household, but for what he perceives as being his right to lord over the woman, because in his mind, he is the powerful overlord, but in the minds of many, many people, he is not more than merely the Overlord of Doucheland.

Without giving regard to her status as “full on human being,” she, too, like the property, becomes part of that property. While he fills his days and nights with his own perceived and overblown arrogance, she is there, waiting for some sort of clue that she is a valid human being. While she knows that she technically IS a valid person, it has become so dearly her position to let him have his way (because we all know how douchey sumbitches get when they can’t have their way – they become large,petulant toddlers having constant tantrums) so as to NOT upset HIS balance of things, that somewhere in the chain of events of years gone by, she was forgotten as being completely human.

So, many years go by, and said wife makes friends, and those friends, she finds out, also have the same issues at their houses with their own Overlord of Doucheland and it dawns on them at that point that they are totally NOT alone in their pain. They find out that there are others on the planet who are like them, and they seek these others out, only to find out one thing: they are all very tired of the overlords, tired of living in Doucheland, and really, they are done with it.

Yet, the Overlords, they have no intention of letting their one prized possession go, because without these woman-things, they have no one in their own midst and their own minds who they think they are better than. When it is that the women in these situations finally have had absolutely enough and they tell these wannabes that they, the women, are pau hana, or done working, with the Overlord’s crap, it is when all hell breaks loose and suddenly the overgrown toddler throws an overgrown tantrum. (In some houses the Overlord is not a guy but a very clueless, full-of-herself and wants nothing that is not in HER plans, douchey woman who can then be referred to as a “manchick.”)

And this goes on and on, for years, in lots of homes. No one realizes it until they get to that point where they either try to save the Overlord one more time, or, finally, they choose to save themselves. It is when these people choose to save themselves that these moronic spouses of theirs get REALLY ugly, with their words, and sometimes, with the violence which can ensue. And the violence is all a measure of control and fear, until one day, the prized possession no longer cares, because they’re tired of being afraid all of the time, and by my stating that they no longer cares, it is not because they do not care that they threatens them or man handles them, but that they no longer care what others think of them anymore.  Eventually, basically, and one day, the opinion of other people no longer matters because, eventually, we all figure out that at the end of the day, when our heads hit our pillows, it is only ourselves and the grand Universe there with us.

It can be dangerous, physically, (Been there. Done that.) and sometimes, it warrants our needing to seek an outside opinion (again, been there, done that…) and even some help to get us through where we have been, what we have seen, when it all catches up to us, and it is through the outside help (mine’s name was Angela…yeah…peculiar that her name was Angela, right? NOT) that finally, when the dust and the bloodied self of the Soul have stopped aching enough to have clarity about anything, this is when we know that we are meant for other things and NOT for being in servitude to another human being, and namely, not an abusive spouse. 

The battle in this situation was my own, and there are two women on this planet who know it well, and no, one of them is not my therapist even though both of them, because of me, should be easily able to earn their PhD in Psychology. These are my two best girlfriends, both of who could also be and have been the woman in this story. Together (outside help and opinions) we thought ourselves through and out of the situations we found ourselves in.  I will be the last person on the planet who will tell anyone that they don’t have to worry about abuse or being abused, because I know different. That is beside the point. There are reasons that we all go through what we go through, and all of it is learning, all of it is meant to refine us through the fires which we are forced to walk across, or go backwards in to the jaws of the deaths we have already gone through.

What being bullied and abused has taught me to this point

I have learned through those who have been close to me and also less than kind to me for years and years and years that I am one who will choose her battles and who will never NOT choose them again.  I am one who likes the challenge brought by the words being said to me “I don’t think you can do this. You are not good enough at it…” and also one who will not ever back down from being bullied by anyone, ever again, and it is not because I wanna fight, but because I am not afraid to make it known that while I might be a skinny little twerp, I am a powerhouse in the soul.

What the bullies in my life taught me was that I am not one who should be ashamed of merely being me, for real, without apology, because they believed, maybe, at one time, that who I am, for real, is a threat to them. The only time I am a threat, when anyone is a threat, is when we are made that way by them so that they can have a reason to feel threatened by anyone. It is another way of their controlling us by their stating that we are being threatening. Anything at all that seems like it hurts, hurts, but sometimes, what hurts does so with grand purpose.

With Grand Purpose

I have many friends and acquaintances whose life stories can be thought of as nothing short of miraculous that they made through their own battles  alive. So many things in our lives claim us for long periods of time and when we choose to think of them only as being a pain in the okole, that is when they are only a pain in the okole. When we decide that one day, we would like to not be in the positions that we have found ourselves in, we also decide at that time to allow Spirit in and let her do what She will with us.

The pains we suffer are with grand purpose, are meant to teach us what we do not want to go through and more, who we are in relation to ourselves.

The Battles we fight are ours to choose, so choose wisely.

You are learning how to be who you are, for real. Stop fighting who you are for the sake of making someone else feel better. It is not worth it. You will never not be you. They will never not be them, and sometimes, you always being you, and they always being them is enough to make anyone decide that the battles which will ensue (because really, we ALWAYS know who we WILL fight with, and more, who we will be in permanent fight mode with, forever, sometimes.)




Operation SoulShine

Foran Toy Drive


When Prompted for seemingly no reason at all, by the inner whims of the Soul, it is not just a coincidence, but Divine Correspondence

There is a group of people on this planet with whom I share much on this plane and one of those things is DNA and a same familial matriarch. I had, for a long time,  spent my lifetime on this planet and in this awareness trying hard to get them to love me without condition. I could go on and on, and I could say things that would make them look really bad, but that is not how I roll.  In fact, anymore now, I will sooner not talk to them, just so that I do not have that opportunity to say things judgmental about them. It is just not okay for me to do that anymore, to anyone, and I try very hard not to. It is just an easier thing for me to not have contact with people like that, because if I have contact with people who have made it their mission, or so it seems, to look for everything about me that anyone will judge as “bad,” you can bet, without a doubt, that I am going to get and to be very fierce for a very long time.

These days, my fierceness in energy is meant to light the torch on the Path that others now follow, on their own and without fear or shame of who they are. My fierceness does not include, for the most part, my going out into my own world, sullying other people for the things that they said about me or how they felt about me without a good enough reason or for a reason that I gave to them because of what I have said or have done about or to anyone.

I was washing the dishes

It was but a few hours ago that I was prompted with the thoughts of what I had been told months before, about things that I had been called, things that had been said of me, that may still get said of me. It had been a long time since that thought was in my head, and I am not one to take promptings like this anything but seriously. When I have not thought about someone for a long time, namely when it is a group of people who, at least some of them, knows that they hurt me, badly enough for it to have affected me well into adulthood, and suddenly, while I am doing the dishes, there they were, it is not a thought that I thought all on my own. I was prompted by Spirit.

The thoughts, and the people who made those thoughts possible, and the things that they’d said in and out of my presence are what were there for a moment and all at one time. For me to have had issues with what was said for a very long time and from the time that I was a small child is telling as to what kind of world we live in and have always lived in. For many years I tried to get them to just accept me, but always I would, not very long later and afterwards, hear things being said about me or that were said about me, and none of it was nice and most of it was very damaging to me. I carried that weight with me forever.

That is, until this morning, when I was washing the dishes and the thought of two in particular came to my mind, with the third being the person who I was being prompted to ask a question of.

And as always, this person did not let me down. They couldn’t have, because they also know that I am one who deals in the ugly truth far better than I do than when someone tries to save me from harsh words. When it is that harsh words are the only things that you can recall, it is harsh words that you will always and only recall. I won’t sit here and repeat them, because then I have to live through all of it again, and because I was only prompted this morning, the wounds are still there, but at least now, for sure, they will heal.

We are prompted when we are ready to grow from something

It is not as though we are going to be told outright when we are about to grow a bit, or that we have grown. In my case, it was that I have grown and more, that I have outgrown the beliefs set in me by people who really haven’t any real idea of who I am. I might be one of the weirdest people that anyone knows, but I am also as equally loving. I may not be the first person who some people might think about when thinking in terms of “not in her right mind,” but I have, unless someone was just trying to be a douche bag about things, never been called selfish, ever.

Because I knew these things about me, and because I knew that I am not a bad or an evil person, and because I knew and know that what my beliefs are are not subject to judgment or by vocal opinion by anyone, I also knew that when I asked the person I was prompted to ask, that I would not get anything but the truth and lovingly so.  I was right.

In fact, it was their choice to tell me that what anyone else says about me, coupled with the idea that they told someone in common to us both that unless and until that other person has the guavas enough to ask me personally about the things that I believe, that they have no right to judge, and that if their problem with me is because of one of my parents, that it is not my weight to bear, even as bear it, I did, for many, many years, and that it never was.

It was a relief for me to ask, actually. I readied myself for the typical things that the person I was prompted to ask these things of when in regards to certain things that I ask of them, and always, as they know, I appreciate the truth rather than the soothing that normally, people will look for. No, this person to whom I was prompted toward has always known that I would rather hurt than to have to hear one more pretty thing that, even though it would have been the truth, would have not been what I had expected.

So, you can imagine my own delighted surprise to have heard their answer, that really, what had been said and thought of me was very dearly and only judgmental, that the person who the one who I was prompted to ask was speaking to, told them that they do not know me, have never known me or my siblings, and that the real issue was not with me, but more, with what they thought of one of my parents. While it does not take the sting away, and while it will never ever give me all those years back when I really thought that those people with whom I share blood relations with never knew me well enough to have an opinion of me, the prompted one’s words helped lift the dead weight of what someone’s harsh judgment had left me with for the entirety of my lifetime until this very moment.

Sometimes, it is because we have to go through what we have to go through in order for others to come to the conclusion that it was not anything other than their arrogance that causes so much pain for people

No one ever had to tell me that I was not evil, that when I was but a child, that no adult, no matter who they were in my life, had the right to behave as though since it was that I was related to both of my parents, that the one in question is the very reason why anyone in that group who placed that weight on me indeed placed it on me. No one, not even my siblings, will ever know what it was like to be that child, because it was me who, later, made sure to it, through my antics as a teen, which made it possible for these people to say of my brother and my sister that at least my parents could hope for those two because I was just like the one parent who they hated was like. And I still am very much like that parent in that I will not ever allow a person to be awful, for any reason, to any three of my kids, or even to the ones my children have brought into my life and who consider me their other mom.

There was never a good or a real reason why I had to be the target of all the emotional sins placed on me by a group of people who may well have loved me, but did so with conditions and to the extent that was all for show, in my opinion. There was nothing other than the very real energy of my never being completely part of them, and all because of the fact that these people never much liked one of my parents. There was always that feeling that no matter what, I would have to TRY to get them to even think of me in human terms, let alone related to them, because of a whole lot of reasons, but none of them ever made sense and still do not make sense. My thought of a few of them now is that they really, dearly need to stop judging people, because it has taken a lot within me to NOT spill what I know about them. Of course, I wouldn’t, because that is just not how I roll.

Yet, that is what all these years that were imbibed with all the pain and the ongoing soundtrack in my head that repeated to me, in their voices, that I was not good enough, or that I was stupid, or that I would never amount to anything in my life, or that my parents at least had two good kids that were not screwed up. Neither of my siblings will know what it was like to have to deal with these people and not have an adult backing them, particularly one more than the other, because she, herself, was a little girl, and I, at that time in her life, one of those who could be called one of “the adults in her life.” She knows well that there was, and still is, no matter how mad I might be at her, not one person on this planet who will get away with saying untrue things of her, as long as I am within ear shot. I will, no matter what, and this applies to ANYONE who I love enough to go to bat for, never deal with an untrue thing about anyone, ever.

Careful what you say, please, namely in the company of children, as they might grow up to do good things in the world, and might just forget about all the ugly things that you said of them when they were just little kids

I get very upset when I hear ANY adult telling ANY child to shut up. Telling someone to shut up, unless they are just running away at the mouth and only making things worse for the sake of being  made worse, is the most ultimate way to show sincere disrespect, namely if you are wrong. The reason why some men feel like they can tell a woman to shut up is not because she is running away at the mouth, but perhaps because she is not being given her RIGHT to defend herself against her words,  and also, because she might have a point and more than that, HE might be found out to be WRONG.

This is the thing that I was told forever, even today, and was the thing that did not do more than prove me correct in that it is not that anyone was trying to make a situation better for everyone involved, but so that taking sides would be easier. It is not that I was told to shut up, but the reason behind being told to shut up. It is not the respect that is there and evident, but the disrespect that cannot be hidden because it is bigger than the surface respect.  You see, when you grow up thinking that people respect you, and it was because they ‘showed’ it to you, and you are older now, and you really DO know what is the truth of respect, you, meaning me, end up getting very upset when the reality that has been given does not match the reality that is for real.

My reason for that part of this writing is that it takes a little bit of respect for the person who any one of us is thinking to belittle, and that respect appears to be fear, because fear, when instilled in the right amounts, will absolutely bring about an energy that looks like respect, when for real, it is not respect in any other way than forced. It is forced because of the idea that if we do not respect people who share our memories with us will not recall it either, and in my case, it was not their not recalling, but their recalling and making it seem as though somehow,  no matter what I said or did, I was somehow a bad person. And as that bad person, I was always told to shut up.

So, I spent my life shutting up, being assumed a bad person, not really taken seriously at all, and being pitied, by a group of people who still, to this day, are no where near anywhere aware of how I really am. And it is really okay by me, because being related to people does not guarantee that we will get along, or that those relations will somehow trump the truth. The truth was always what I wanted, but I was not given the truth. Instead, I was given a laundry list, albeit silently and through the mechanism called omission of the truth, of conditions that I had to live up to, by almost all of them.

To this day, I have not really lived up to any of them other than that I have respect for them because somehow, at least one of them knows who I am, and that one person made the difference for me.


It was the prompting by Spirit that would not let this go, the part that is remembering, even if only one last time, so that what is not right could be at least settled, so that those who hurt and caused hurt could be released from that hurt on both sides through all of this letting go of that energy.

Today was a big giant hairy spider deal for me, because the fear of responding to a prompt by Spirit will always augur what is the truth, no matter if it is an ugly truth or a truth that, like I waited a lifetime for, would be the most beautiful truth in the world. And it was. It lifted me, and made me feel like I had ribbons of delight wrapped around my soul, because for more than 40 years, I lived with only half the truth and I lived with the pain brought by that half truth.

Though I know that what was given to me today will never take away the years that I pined for their acceptance, it makes it so that now, I can move forward, and should I see them anytime soon, I can greet them with the neutrality that comes from not knowing someone else, that comes from the hope that maybe we will see things in one another that we never knew was there because we simply took for granted the idea that who we are and what we believe is the truth of anyone else is only what we know from our experiences. Not experiences with them only, because they are also part of that on their own. Experiences that takes away from them, and falsely gives to you.  By “falsely gives to you,’ I mean that you get what you felt like you wanted and needed, and you didn’t care that it took anything away from anyone else. How they feel or felt about me is irrelevant to what I learned to feel about people in general, and that is truly, trust must be earned, and worse than that, sometimes, it is never given, no matter what.

The person who I was prompted to ask this of was gracious, is always gracious enough and mindful of my own scars and heart, and did not take sides, just like they know I would not. Had it not been that they were able to put in their own two cents when the chance rose for them to, I might not have a thing at all to write about.

And the prompting to get in fast contact with her is why.

Never assume that what you are thinking, seeing, hearing, or knowing, at any given time, no matter what it is, and especially if it is out of the blue, like this time was for me, that it is NOT by Spirit.

Spirit…she is a tricky dominatrix whose love for her earth bound children is so wide and real that to ignore things like prompting is like holding the winning lottery ticket and doubting your own eyes for what they see.

Do not shun the prompting…it might be the difference between darkness and light…




Society sees crying and a show of emotions as a sign of weakness. Yet, in the world of the domestically abused, sometimes, tears are all we have.

The fact that my Sun sign is in Pisces makes it so that when I feel something, some sort of energetic or volatile pull on my emotions, if I am presented enough with all the facets and all the stuff that will take prior to said such emotional happening happens, if it is that the thing at hand is emotionally strong, I will likely end up in tears over it. This is not to say that I am not already an incredibly emotional person who feels every little nuance in a situation, but it is to say that personally I know that when we cry we are not only feeling what we have to feel at that given moment, but we are getting rid of toxicity that was not ours to begin with. This is the very reason that I tell anyone with whom I should have contact in regards to the issue of being physically assaulted for the very first time – that they NEED to cry.

Tears are a gift. Even though we end up with puffy eyes and our sinuses end up being very clogged from all the draining of our emotions, when we cry we very literally release the toxins which were built up within us throughout the time that we were only experiencing the emotional part of being abused. And of course the emotional part is way harder to get over than the physical bruises, but what only an actual formerly beaten person will tell you is that the emotions you feel after that initial attack will leave a person feeling an entirely new set of toxicity, and it is this level of toxicity that will compound the idea that you have already gone through all sorts of emotional stuff and now here is  yet one more thing to have to deal with that you know you never cared to deal with but are now very well in the middle of it.

I know this monster well because this monster is the one that lives in the back of the closet of my mind, taunting and haunting me with the mental images, not only of my bruised,  battered and broken self, but also and more importantly, the illuminated and bigger-than-it-really-is image of that angry face, the gritted teeth, the wild look in his eyes, and that illusory background of anger that he said was caused by me.

Let it be well known right at this moment that the first time you were abused, no matter what way it happened, that at that moment you were changed, forever. At that moment you were stripped of trust in others. At that moment your entire world became enmeshed and laced with a fear that is foreign to you, a fear that now lives in you because someone else placed it there and did so with force.

At that very moment in time, you became someone who you no longer knew, at least not the way that you did prior to that one very intense moment. You became the thing that you told yourself that you would never be – your spouse or partner’s victim. The very word “victim” makes people think that you are somehow weak, that you should have had more back bone and above all, the thing that a lot of people will tell you but have no clue is NOT the truth is that they would never let it happen to them.

I am so sorry, folks, but abusers are not the type to tell you when they are going to toss you around physically, and abusers are not going to clue you in to when they have totally lost their mind and are now going to go ape shit on you and physically harm you. There is no abusive person on the planet who is also going to tell you what they are up to and there is no mental health expert who will make me believe that they are the very ones who will unwittingly tell you that they are going to physically harm you. It just won’t happen that way. The way that physical abuse begins is at that point where the abuser cannot “break” you or your spirit, and if you are one of the luckier ones then you will know that a broken spirit is never up to those trying to break it and it is very much a case of if you will allow them that leeway – I allowed that leeway, but you don’t have to.

You never have to let someone else tell you that they are going to physically harm you even though they will say it a whole lot. You never have to believe that you are not worth someone else’s good effort at showing you that you are somehow the effort to be with someone who will not treat you like property. You never have to do a whole lot of things, and at the point where fist meets the eye or the jaw or the ribs, the notion that you do not have to do anything that you do not want to do flies out the window along with your sense of normalcy.
And it is your sense of normalcy that gets shaken and your sense of normalcy that becomes diluted with someone else’s version of “normal.”

Getting hit is not normal. Being told that you are all what someone else tells you that you are is also not normal and what is further not normal is the fact that in a whole lot of cases, many of us will allow this, out of fear or whatever the hell else it is that you can think of, to become the color of “normal” for an abuse victim because this is the “normal” that their own abusers grew up with. It is never normal for anyone to have to fear what another person  might do, because what they “might” do they ultimately and one day end up doing anyway. To tell an abuser that you are leaving them and that they need to deal with it is just inviting them to conjure ways of hurting you further.

In fact, it is evidenced that once a woman reports the abuse to authorities or when she chooses to leave him the abuse victim is neatly placed in a more dangerous position than she already was. Hence, the reason that I am all for provisions made to the abused through nonprofit agencies and government providers. When it comes to abuse and the leaving of our abusive partners it is the paper trail which matters and not only how the abuses made you feel. The reality is that the abuse is not done once you leave and the propensity and possibility of it still happening and more harshly once you are gone is real. More abused women are killed after they have left their abusers and not while they are stuck in the middle of the madness they have been forced to call their lives.

This, folks, is the reality that becomes that of an abused person, and the statistics you read and hear about are real. The textbook descriptions of what we go through are not real because these explanations do not give credence to the idea that bruises and bones take time to heal, that spirits crushed need time to become revitalized, and further, there is no textbook that adequately explains what it is that all abused people go through. And what we go through is quite a lot.

Hence, the reason that it is good to cry, the reason that when it all first starts it is good and needed to feel and explore those emotions and deal with them as best we can at the beginning of things without the benefit of therapy. In fact, to allow the tears to flow is therapy. It helps rid us of our sadness and our grief, helps to ease the bewilderment, and most of all, allows us to feel whatever emotions that we are feeling at the time it all comes to the head that, in most cases, ends up happening and it does not matter how long it took for your attacker to start in on you with the verbal and emotional abuse because at the onset of those things happening it is but a matter of time before the physical abuse begins.

So please, by all means, do yourself a favor and cry.

Sadly, you earned it…

I Love You All

"The Greatest of These is Love…" (1 Corinthians 13:13)

The greatest gift another can receive from us is our Love

I just finished writing my other blog  and find that the one thing that survivors of domestic abuse are very unsure of is being able to Love fully again.

Let me tell you one thing, folks – no one is not ever capable of not Loving completely, no matter what or who. We were designed with the capacity to Love, with the capacity to give that Love, and it does not matter how many times we are beaten, literally or figuratively, the one fact that remains and will always remain is that no matter how much we want to believe that we are not lovable, no matter how many times we tell ourselves that we will not ever trust another person again for as long as we each live, there is not one person on the planet who is void of the ability to Love.

The Ability to Love

We, at one point, believe that we are not lovable, believe that we are somehow the only person on the planet who is not getting the Love we deserve and the one person on the planet who was meant as the poster child for who has been abused. NO ONE NEEDS to be abused, but it happens a whole lot, and in the time that it takes for someone to beat out of us the idea that we do not need Love from many sources we are at the point where we believe there is no return.

When speaking of Love, there is no such thing as a point of no return – Love is always returned, maybe not by the person who we try to Love and who we want to Love us, but from the rest of the planetary Tribe we are all an important part of. And when it comes to that point, it is the time that we find a way to involve ourselves with something outside of ourselves so as to give to the world the thing that lives within us.


There is no gift quite like it

This time of year we are bombarded with mail and emails and pop-ups and people at our door who are soliciting donations for various causes. And of course I would encourage anyone to give what they can, but when you can’t give something tangible, give something that you can give all the time, without needing to stand in line to pay for it, and give something that is guaranteed to come back to you.

We are convinced by others that we are not worthy to receive what it is that we need, and if we believe this we end up with nothing, or what seems like nothing, but there is always our inborn capacity for Love.

Give of your Self – find a cause to support...

In all the years that I have been in this marriage with this now dying man, I never really understood why it was that I felt like I was not doing enough. The truth was that I was doing plenty for him and nothing for me. When the first AIDSWalk that he knew about my participation was about to start, he gave me so much grief for it and badmouthed me to the point of not being able to think straight. Then one morning I woke up and looked at him and saw that it is not because he is a homophobe, not because he is choosing ignorance over common sense, that we was like this, but because it was something that he was not willing to know more about, and what he was not willing to know more about was the idea of giving of one’s self through time and effort.

To people who have no cause to support, theirs is a world which is black and white, cut and dry, and there is no such thing as being able to give without also expecting to receive something tangible in return. This man knows that though I love my tangible goodies, I am someone who Loves and Loves giving intangible gifts. It is no wonder that I do what I do for my job – I Love people, and I Love communicating with people, and I Love to give people things that they can feel but cannot touch.

In short, I Love to Love others, and my Life is about giving it freely to those most in need of it. It is my cause, to be here in this Life to Love others by teaching them and including them in how they heal from the brokenness of their own lives so that they can go on with Life with their heads and hearts vibrating in unison, lending to the greater Whole of Life itself.

If what you have been through in Life has taught you anything at all, I hope that it is the knowledge that you are Loved, are lovable, and that you have a lot of Love to give, not just to one person, but to the world at large. By joining a cause, you give yourself an avenue through which you can work out your imbalance of wanting to Love but not being able to or wanting to show it or give it to the person to whom you entrusted your Self to and then later found that you judged them incorrectly. Where you feel like there is nothing, there is something and that something is Love and the nothing that you feel is just there to remind you to get out there in the great big world and start giving it away…

You can do it. You can be your own cause until another one comes along that needs your brand of Love!!

I Love You All!!

(Rev. Roxanne Cottell is a Freelance Writer, Speaker and Spiritual Counselor residing in Southern California. For inquires regarding the Ka Wahine ‘Ui dance program for survivors of domestic abuse,or any other inquiries. send an email by clicking this link . Her latest book, “Goddesses, Priestesses and Queens” can be purchased at and  

Learning to Trust again, to Love again takes a lot of Soul Work

“It’s like the wind…I can’t see it, but I can feel it…” (Victoria Kristine White)

It is a rare occasion when I will quote another person’s words, but it was this young woman named Victoria,a woman with whom I am only familiar in a Facebook kind of way. Yet, her post this evening sent my being stuck for words a bit of a kick in the ass, and I know what it is that I wanted to tell you all, and yes, it relates to all that we have, as survivors, been through.

Regaining our sense of trust in others begins with our own ability in our sense of Trust, not only in ourselves, but also with the Soul, with the Spirit which guides us and with the idea that everything in the world, other than what you see materially, begins with a thought, and this does include those things which can be counted as ‘intangible.’ It would be cliche’ for me to write something about Christmas, but in trying to keep with the whole  holiday spirit, I guess this would be an attempt at my reminding people that we cannot know how to give anything to anyone until we can first give ourselves a chance to grow. If we do not allow ourselves to grow, we will not be able to heal, and if we cannot heal, we cannot trust, and if we cannot trust, we can never really truly know how to Love again, no, not even ourselves. While this is a very ugly thought, it is the truth of the matter.

It took a lot for me to trust, as well it should have, because trust is the thing that is the hardest for people to rebuild within themselves. Mistrust is where doubt is created, and the first person we doubt is never someone else, but only ourselves, and we project it out onto other people, this feeling that we cannot let go of, at least not right away. It is too hard to let go sometimes, because we know that the risk is too great. Risk is what got us into the messes that we found ourselves in and it will be the trust that we will rebuild within that will help us to climb out of the despair that has enclosed us in a shell that might look like us, might act like us, might technically be us, but it is so not who we really are.

First, you must remember

The first thing that you must remember is that you learned how to mistrust people and that just as you learned how to do that, like much else, you will have to relearn trust. It is a sad truth that abuse survivors end up going through more than we bargained for when all is said and done, but the beautiful part in all of this is that you get to pick how you want to come back, and you get to practice talking to people, practice not talking about you so much that you give away more than you even have for yourself. It took me these last three  years to come back to me, to know and to reinvent me, and it has been a bitch of a time doing so, but it has also been a great time that offered me the opportunity to grow into this outrageous, fiery, passionate person who is full of Spirit and is deeper than the very recesses of the Soul within. This is who I am. This is who I have always been, and I Love Me, just as you should also be so inclined to Love You.

“…don’t you even worry pretty darlin’, ’cause you’ll find Love again, I Know…” (Tesla, “Love Song”)
The thing that I am asked all the time by other survivors of domestic violence is if I am scared to Love another person, and to that question I simply explain that I never lost Love for people and that Love is the thing that will carry you through everything and anything and will always be the thing that you will find will heal you faster and better than everything else.

When a person is abused by another person who has promised to Love them and that person chooses to fracture the trust that an abuse survivor has built up, it is hard to imagine that there is any Love there at all, but there is, and the Love that remains is the Love which has always been within ourselves. If we continue to believe that the Love we deserve is outside of us, we will always be chasing it, and we all know what happens when we chase something or someone – they run. They run like fire burns old newspaper – fast. The reason that we chase is because there within us is the person we were the last time we thought we had to go out into the world to find what already lived within us. We were made from Love, which means that we do not have to chase it because it exists within us and never will die.

Love does not die, even the shattered remnants of what it was that we were told and shown was Love from someone who themselves could not fathom Love because to them Love equals ownership. Love and trust are not borne out of a need for someone else to control who we are – yes, I said need. We seek the approval from someone outside ourselves to validate us, and all we get is the version of ourselves that someone else wanted or wants and is never really the person who we know we are, and the person who we know we are is the best person we can hope to even think to be because it is ourselves in our truest essence. There is nothing quite more beautiful than a person – a woman – who knows who she is and who is confident in herself, who Loves all of herself, even her quirks and the little things makes us who we each are.

It is not only the Romantic sort of Love that I am telling you about

Love is the highest form of respect that anyone can show another person. It was a long time before I could even think to tell anyone that I Loved them, but these days, after a whole lot of work on myself, it is a daily thing for me to tell someone that they are cared for, that even if it seems that they are unlovable, that I Love them, and when I say it, I mean it.

Yet, being able to tell another person you Love them takes a lot of trust. You must trust that you can give that piece of your Self away and you must trust your Self not to get hurt when they do not say it back – not everyone is comfortable or feels safe saying that they Love someone, anyone, and even if they don’t say it, you know it because like Ms. White posted, Love is very much like the wind- you cannot see it, but you can surely feel it, and that is what matters the very most. It is important that we realize this about us, that we are able to Love, and that we are able to Love from the moment that we are brought into this life. Because someone else takes away the Love that we have for them, chips it away by being horrible to us, it does not mean that the Love within us dies. Love does not die. It is like Light – you can have all the darkness in the world and it can engulf you, but once the tiniest sliver of Light is shone, there is no more darkness. This is what Love does.


Love illuminates our Selves, and with that illumination we are able to Light the world with the flame within which is our true selves. Once we have illuminated who we are and once it is that we have seen, through that illumination, our own flaws and imperfections is when we can know within that we have reached a point where we never thought we would ever be again. While there will still be much work to do, and while it will be that no one but us can reclaim that piece, it is a freedom like no other to no longer fear that we are not able to Love or to be Loved.

Being someone else’s victim hurts in many ways, but being able to come back to who we are is like water for a thirsty person. Love drenches us in its healing nature and brings to the surface the ugliness that we have allowed to rule us and it sets the standard for who we want to be and who we want to grow into. Being abused makes us shrink into ourselves, makes us believe that this is all we will ever be – defeated, bruised, Spiritually maimed and scarred in the soul. Yet knowing that scars mean that healing has taken place is the salve that brings us back to Life, back to who we are, and makes us know that everything is going to be alright.

If we can believe that we can trust ourselves to do anything, then we should also believe that we will be able to Love again, in every way imaginable, and that what we asked for in the past has come and gone and now we can Love the person we have grown to become. We can take the ugliness, the hurt, the anger and the pain and turn it into the beautiful thing that we have become. We can turn someone else’s trash and the rubble of what was and what became of us in to a beautiful piece of art, original and raw and primal and screaming from the inside, out.

We can choose to be who we are and we can choose to Love who we have become, and we can do all this all on our own. Yes, it will take time, and yes, you will cry like a woman in mourning, and yes, you will feel cleansed and brand new. One day you will wake up and just know….

One day, you will just know…it is like the wind…you know it is there, and you know it because you can see the evidence in the birds which fight it in flight, and even though you cannot see the wind, you can feel it.

So, too, is the nature of Love. You know it is there. You cannot see it.

You can feel it.

I Love You All …

(Rev. Roxanne Cottell is a Freelance Writer, Speaker and Spiritual Counselor residing in Southern California. For inquires regarding the Ka Wahine ‘Ui dance program for survivors of domestic abuse,or any other inquiries. send an email by clicking this link . Her latest book, “Goddesses, Priestesses and Queens” can be purchased at and

A long, dark night of the Soul – the Pandora’s Box of Spirit

Being abused in any manner and by any person is awful…it is the Dark Night of the Soul…

I like to think that I have a pretty good grip of reality at present time. Self discovery happens to us when we very least expect for it to, and in the lives of those who can call themselves “survivor,” it is nothing for us to be able to reach back into the past where it was dark and ugly and recall the times in our lives when it seemed like life was one long dark night of the Soul.

Dark Night of the Soul

We all go through times when it seems that there is nothing in life that will permeate the darkness of our Selves. In the case of those of us who have suffered needlessly at the hands of another, whether it is your spouse, other family members, a friend or perhaps a coworker or employer – anyone, really – the dark night can last for years and years and we end up spiraling into the miry stickiness of not being able to see any light in the soul whatsoever, including the proverbial light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. It seems at that point that we are so alone and so very deep into the darkness that we cannot see our way out of it.

Abuse victims and survivors know well the conditions of our lives warrant that much of it is meant as a dark night, as a time when we are meant to rise above what it is that we have been through and to feel every little bit of the pain that seems as though will never end. The Dark Night of the Soul is meant to help us stretch ourselves to the limits so that we can emerge brand new, like a baby chick emerges from an egg and how a butterfly stretches itself out of its cocoon.

Being a survivor of such travesties means that you have been through this dark night, that you have made it through it and that you are better and stronger for the experience. This is not to say that it is ok that you had to go through all of what you or I did, and neither is it to say that you deserved any of it, but only that we go through what we do because there are things about ourselves that we do not know, that we need to know, and experiencing tragedy – namely tragedy which no one else hears about until one of us opens our mouths and says something – is the only way that we will ever learn it.

We begin to see in our mind that what we are at the time we are being treated like garbage that even as our fear is what has kept us safe,  it is our soul which cries. We did not know that this person with whom we have forged a bond would be so terrible to us, and we hope upon everything that it is a phase and that it will pass, and it never does, and we sink deeper into the depths of our darkness. We wish for the light, but the light is far in the distance and not reachable by us. No matter how much we try, we can never seem to get out of the blue feeling which permeates our lives. We feel like we have opened the gates of hell, have opened and peered into Pandora’s Box, and now, because of our actions we are made to pay, Karmically, for things that we could not have ever imagined as being part of our everyday lives.

It is that feeling one gets when they see a card reader and the card pulled is the Death card, only at the time we are not aware that this particular card denotes change and not actual death. It is like waking up in the middle of the same bad dream for months on end where all you want to do is be able to sleep and then wake up and look forward to something, anything, being easier to deal with than what is the normalcy in an abuse victim’s daily life. The Dark Night of the Soul is meant to teach us, to mold us, to help us shed the unwanted and unneeded pieces of our Selves that were placed there by someone else’s need to control you.

I know this. I lived it. I still live it, but the coughed up pieces of lung tend to help ease me. However, we are not all privy to an early widowhood, not all strong enough to take legal action, not who we are for real, enough to carry us through whatever it is that Spirit is trying to help us grow through.

The Cold Loneliness of the Dark Night of the Soul

Abuse survivors look back to where they have been and can see where it was and more, WHY it was that they chose to stop the maddening cycle of self abuse, and we look back and take a long pause, long enough to stare into the eyes of the child we were and realize that the time we’d spent in our own private purgatory was spent not realizing that everyone experiences turmoil and that what we’d been through was much like our very own personal experience with the Devil himself.

Well meaning loved ones remind us that “there are always plenty of fish in the sea” of Life, that we will meet another person, one who will turn the hurt into the scar that proves we have healed, and then we take a look at who we have become and accept that we never needed anyone else – all we really needed was ourselves and our ability to make it through this, the Dark Night of the Soul.

It takes but one moment for us to change our lives by changing our perspective of things. 

It is hard to imagine that someone in the throes of what can be thought and assumed as being the “end” result of an overblown ego that there is a way out and that the way out is not a physical way out, at least not at the beginning when we think and believe and know that being hurt is not something that we can deal with for a long time, that we should never have been hurt to begin with, that what we are going through or what we have been through was somehow for our own benefit. Maybe it’s a bad way of putting it but at the moment is the only way that comes to mind, that we were chosen to experience such a horrible Dark Night of the Soul at the hands of another for a reason and a purpose – our higher purpose.

Yet this is where the fear in us prompts us to try hard to see ourselves out of a situation that we did not ask to be placed in but that we very dearly need a way out of. The first thing that abuse survivors need to understand that just like smoking cigarettes or becoming addicted to pills, addicted to anything, really, so, too, have we become addicted to wanting to get from our attackers that which we know we will not – approval, real Love, support, caring and the things that all those dreams of love and happiness are made of. We go through the usual feelings of guilt and shame, and then one day we find ourselves tired of the guilt someone else gave to us and sick to death of feeling the weight of shame that does not belong to us. We find ourselves restless and at that point are fully aware of the fact that this mess has become ours to clean up, starting with our very selves.

We see to it that as our soul ails, it is not without that which it needs to become, again, the thing that it was meant to be in each of us.

That one thing is whole…we pine to become Whole again, and the only way to get to Wholeness is to travel the Path we have chosen as our own, even through the Darkest Nights of the Soul…

I Love You All !!


(Rev. Roxanne Cottell is a Freelance Writer, Speaker and Spiritual Counselor residing in Southern California. For inquires regarding the Ka Wahine ‘Ui dance program for survivors of domestic abuse,or any other inquiries. send an email by clicking this link . Her latest book, “Goddesses, Priestesses and Queens” can be purchased at and

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