Category Archives: domestic abuse

It Scares You, Doesn’t It?


What would you do if challenged to help, for real, using only who you are and what you do? What would you do if you were given the chance to be there, for real, for anyone at all and actually mean it?

We humans like believing that we help everyone we can. While this might be tangibly the truth, what is also the truth is that the underlying energy of the reason why we want to help others is not what we even think about.

The truth is that when we help someone else, we are also helping ourselves.

Work with me for a moment, will you? Let me take you someplace that not a lot of Professional Weirdos are willing to take anyone who ought to want to go to those proverbial places that we all want to visit but are scared to death to do that.

Yes – scared to death. We are terrified of doing right by others, because we do not know how to feel okay with ourselves without also feeling guilty for having felt like that (truth), and on the other side of that, others are scared to help because those others, even while they will not admit it, are doing things solely for the purpose of being thanked and knowing that they were depended on, meaning that to some degree and specifically if they do not realize this, was all about controlling someone else through measures of instilling guilt, shame, self-loathing, into the person who they are claiming they want to help.

And the most …not thought about…part of all of this helping others and the manner which we are doing it, and the reason why we each and all particularly have in terms of helping others. I can say right now that there was a time, a long time ago, that I would help damned nearly anyone who ever came to me for my help. Little did I realize that sometimes, those people were not playing fairly, using my words against others as though that is what my intention was when I began to work with them. When what I told them was used against the person who they were trying to be with, and also worked against these particular clients’ plans other than what I was hoping they would do (which was simply to heal themselves and learn from the harsh things going on in their lives, but they didn’t), I became very upset, to the point of rage. No one needs that.

There were times that I wanted to help them so that they could help me not feel guilty for not putting myself, my beliefs, my values and who I am aside, for not dumbing myself down, for not failing me, but in those times, I reminded myself that being manipulated to help someone else, by that someone else, was not going to help my cause of helping people help themselves be better at being who they really are. I reminded myself that I cannot help everyone, because the truth is that not everyone is able to be helped. You see, that is the part of being able to see one’s own self from a third person point of view – the ability to see where it is that perhaps we might need to work on ourselves. I get a lot of emails asking me about my reasons for doing things for other people and other groups of people, asking me why it is that I do not demand pay for these things from some of these groups, and the truth is that the groups in question are typically not groups of adults, but groups of kids whose parents are not able to help them in the same manner that someone else’s mom whose mission in life is imparting the truth onto the populace.

The only thing that I can say to these and in answer to these questions is because kids need all the help that they can get, because they are kids. I then ask these people if they recall being a kid, at any age, and how at all times they were terrified of everything, and usually I will remind them that the reason they are asking me that specific question is already they are revealing their fear to me. They are revealing that since they do not understand my own reasons as to why I charge certain people a certain rate, and others, I do what I do for the love of my work – that since it is that they would not do the same thing, that they will judge someone like me who has no problem doing what she can with what she has been given if it means that just one more person on this planet learns something.

The reason that anyone is afraid to help is, I think, also rooted in the fear that we will be asked to help others, others who we might not want to help at all, and into play comes that ego-self reaction of feeling obligated to help when really, we might not be able to help someone else, not because we do not want to, but because we are not the right type of healer for them. No one likes letting anyone else down, and really, no one is obligated until and unless they obligate themselves to whatever it is that they have named their cause for the moment. My cause for the moment is, as I have already mentioned, to do what I can with what I have been given so freely, to those who need what I can do…yes, sometimes I do this shit for free. Deal with it.

We have been guilted for generations to help others, ALL others, just because we have been told that we have to do this. No, we do not. You would not help a group of people who form groups of people who seek out the weak and vulnerable among us so that those in that group could further their cause, would you? Of course you wouldn’t. However, you would do something for someone like yourself, someone who you could relate to and someone who you could possibly have a pretty good effect on the lives of both you and the person who you have chosen to help, simply because when we help, we are doing what we are all supposed to be doing with what it is that we do anything at all with. We are not here to be ultra cool and groovy, creating these lives filled with love and wonder, and keeping it all to ourselves, at all. We are not here to decide who is and who is not worthy of our help, for the simple fact that when we need to know, need to learn, need to have that instance of what is part of the purpose we are in this lifetime, and our part in our mission with the tribe of souls on this planet in this lifetime, so that we, through that effort and the use of those gifts, will not only be able to help others who we can help, but more, to teach us the reality that is “judge not, lest first ye shall be judged,” and to also know who are the least of us, who are those who deserve to know what is our inner state of giving, and those who we will learn the very most from, even if we never, ever meet them face to face.

This is what is our collective, global mission – we are in place to be of good service to and for one another, but never to be in servitude, which is what a whole LOT of people feel like they are doing when they are asked to do anything for anyone else. This is not the truth, and no you are not obligated to do anything out of your not wanting to feel guilty. You are not supposed to help if you feel obligated, but go and help anyone who the sacrifice, if that is what you must see it as, will be worth the value of the reward in energy that you, yourself, will create for you, for those others in need. Don’t think of it as being something that you just cannot get into, because service to all of humanity is different than being enslaved by the grind caused by the thing that you have been told all of your life is actual charity. Charity is NOT you giving things and money away for free to strangers (okay, so, technically it is BUT…I think you know what I am saying). but you taking the time to care about other human beings who you are trying to make things a little better for.

It does not make you a patsy, or a sucker, and it does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you very strong to know that on some level, even a tiny little one, you have helped to at least make the thought that you helping is somehow going to score you brownie points with your mother’s god and so that he will not strike you down for not doing what you were told by your unenlightened and controlling pastor who may well be getting a kick back from all of the campaigning that you are doing on behalf of the church he is not giving credit to the congregation for having done a stellar job in terms of caring for the global flock. (Yup, I have issues with church and organized religion…like I make it a secret or something)

I suppose that my point today is that you are meant to help others, without guilt and without feeling guilty if you do not or cannot help with certain others – that is not your fault, and you are not here to save the world. You are here to beautify your world with others like you and who live within that world, for no matter how long a time they are there, so that together, you can, with them, become your purpose, serve your mission with them and with others like them, for a common cause, which typically is not ever a bad cause, really. In my case, it is helping those who are just like me…moms with kids, women who have survived the bad moon rising of domestic violence and emotional abuse, parents who want every kid within their reach to have the best chance at a great life, all created by their own dreams and their own hands….and most of all, those who, by the very grace of the Goddess, have the ability to reach out to the world, to teach it how to live in harmony with itself, to learn to live without apology, and to Love without condition, to live within the bounds of our own personal level and energy of integrity, and to be the shining example of keeping hold and never letting go of each of our own born-into-it Kuleana, our personal responsibility, as handed to us by the Goddess, cultivated within us through the desire to see good in the world as it really is…organic…

….but mostly, to never lose sight of the one thing that should be the prize that all of our eyes are upon, at all times…

…the ability to fully Be Love, and by that measure to Be, In Love… Being, In Love, is not the sort that you might think when you see that term. It is nice to be In Love with one other person who you share so very much in common with (Hi Maestro…Muah). Yet, to Be, In Love, means to always live within a presence of Love within the confines of one’s own life, to Be in the Love that is within one’s own self and for one’s own self, and to know that even when things suck, we have the option to Be, In Love, or to be in turmoil from not ever thinking that the most loving thing that we can ever do for ourselves is to do what we do for those whose mission in life is the same as ours…I just said what it is….I’ll say it again…


Nike says Just do it…

Spirit says Be, In Love…so just do it – Be, In Love…

Big Mahalos for Reading and Sharing…Aloha Kakou…

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You cannot hide from the Karma You have Created

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People who have created a false power for themselves through tangible means are the same people who owe the biggest karmic debts. 

A tax offset is a fancy term for what the IRS uses to tell anyone at all that the reason their tax refund has been made smaller or is nonexistent is because somewhere along the line of government “help,” somehow, in the eyes of the agencies who claimed that money, a person has either not paid a debt in terms of students loans (all clear here), child support payments (again..all clear), and lots of people now know, too, unemployment compensation debt owed on what the state of California calls fraud.

This is not my stating that anything on my end of things was fraudulently had, because from my vantage, and because I know the story in completion, it is not fraud. However, to the state of California, it IS fraud and they wanted that money.

So, they took it. Of course, I now have to file certain paperwork with the IRS, because I am not the party who created a reason for an offset. Of course, as per usual, the person who did create it – that person cannot believe it. That person refuses, flatly, to call the treasury department to find out that I am correct. What this person does not realize is that, where the government and debt are concerned, if you owe them they are going to get what they are owed.

The last time I wrote about Karma it was about how we create it through our intention. This time it is about being the person who thought they were going to get away with every ugly thing that they wanted to see happen, with everything that they did in order to create a false sense of power for themselves through tangible means, with everything that they did that was not backed by the purity of thought.

You see, I am sitting here with a smirk on my face, when really, I should be damned angry that this…person…has refused to do what I have suggested and call the phone number that I was given by a family member. The reason that this other person will not call is NOT because they know that there is no way that I would lie about this, but because of one thing – they aren’t right.

Aren’t right

I was on the phone the other day with my good friend Gator. We were discussing things that are happening to this other person and her words are ringing in my ears right now, because her words are the very truth. Her words told me that the thing that this other person was exhibiting were not only things that point to mental illness, but that the illness is the tangible proof, not only for me, but for that other person, too, that karma is being paid…and not by me.

Arrogant people already aren’t right in a lot of ways, but the one way that they are not right is in the assumption that there is nothing that they have done that would cause them to owe any kind of karma debt. We find this is not the truth through Bernie Madoff, who rightly was served up his karma bill the moment they found him guilty of all of the white collar crimes the man committed. When it is that things outside of ourselves have control of our inner world, and when it is that we are more dependent upon the tangible things more than we are inclined to go to our inner resources to get our answers, we experience false power, even though we believe it is real power.

And when we are talking about arrogant people, the only answers they care about are the ones that they believe will serve them more than will the very truth of things. In this instance, the very truth of things is that this is not my Karma debt to worry about, and it is not my ego that needs to accept my error, and not me who has to atone for anything, at all.

Do I expect that other person to man up and deal with it properly? No. No I do not, because this is someone, even for as many years as this person has known me and has had the opportunity to see what it looks like to be stand alone, upright, with nothing to hide and nothing to sweat, has refused to see things in a manner that is directly from the soul. This person does not trust intangible things, and this is a person for whom the phrase “show me MY money” should be tattooed on to their forehead.

Please don’t get me wrong – I enjoy what money can do for me. However, I also know that there are things that can replace money in terms of getting tangible items, and I know that an outer resource like money is but a tool by which a life is built, but more than anything else, in reality, while money carries the energy of power, that power is finite because once the money is gone, there is no more power being derived from it.

This is the thing that many people are not willingly learning, that money is a tool, that it does not give anyone any power, and that without it, those who want to believe that they have any real power will be shown, in no uncertain terms, that the thing that they thought they were and that at least one person I know very well is now experiencing is a direct result of the nature of their intent at the onset of the unreality of tangible things carrying power for any person at all.

Yet, money and power and the like is not what I am writing about. I am telling you all that if you think that what you did a long, long time ago will never catch up to you, and whatever it was that your purest intentions were at the time you made that choice, think again.

When we set out to right things in a manner that not a lot of people would think is the right way to do things, and we feel like we have to make excuses as to why it happened, and when we cannot accept that what has happened is our being blatantly told by the Mother Goddess that we have a debt to make right, and we have not bothered to make those things right within ourselves, we will pay a debt that we will not see coming at us, and if we are not accepting a lot of other things that a lot of other people have told us is the truth, our pain from that truth is going to be HUGE.

When we cannot see ourselves as someone who is not owed, who is not entitled, who is not all of those overblown ego things, and we have, over the years, chosen to hurt other people for the things that we knew were not right, knew were not their things to have to deal with, knew that, at the time of the thing that caused the debt, our intention was different than the words coming out of our mouths, we cannot understand why it is that suddenly, we are having a down turn in our own thought about how powerful we truly are.

You are not powerful, neither empowered, if what you have done, are doing now, intend on doing, is meant to do good things for you while not also serving a higher purpose for others. You are not powerful if you believe that, when you had your pretend power (money), you could do and say anything to anyone at all and they would, because you thought you were powerful, do anything for you, because you had money, and you had the thought in your head that you were untouchable. You are not now, nor have you ever been, anywhere near as powerful as you think you once were if you have used bully tactics to get what you wanted. Spirit does not appreciate the shake down and more than that, Spirit will not tolerate it.

Eventually, all of that false power, and all that you have said to others that was meant to hurt them, all that you did that was not the most well-intended and backed by a real sense of integrity, every single damned thing that you knew was not the right way to do things, all catches up to you.

An abuser will end up losing everything that he thought gave him power through the manipulations and the bullying, perhaps not through having only to deal with those things themselves, but more, through the very people who they actually abused.

Whether or not those people retaliate in the manner that most would is irrelevant, and the only relevant thing involved there is that the victim of the abuser eventually WILL end up the victor, because the bottom line is that it was not the intention of the abused to rile the abuser. On the other side of that is the abuser believing that they are untouchable in terms of what their victim can do to them in the manner that they’d done to their victim.

What any abuser never understands and likely will never understand is that the energy that they have put out into the Universe is what brings the lesson back to them – NOT the person who they were bad to. While these abusers will do and say and threaten all they can and all they want to, they do not see the thing that they are creating for themselves.

They are creating for themselves a falsehood, a lie that they are somehow the most important person, that they alone are deserved of the good things in life, even as they were the largest, moronic and gaping asshole that even they, themselves, knows. They do not realize that Spirit, while it is that, at that moment, when fist hits face, is watching, is giving this person every chance She can so that the abuser does not have to suffer what Karmic fate they create for themselves.

Yet, create that fate they end up doing, and by the time that it all starts to really take tangible place, those who are wrong end up not knowing what the hell it is that has happened. They will, if they do not understand the way that energy works, continue to do the same things, again and again, and lots of them never learn, and end up coming right back to another lifetime to go through it all over again. NO matter how much I remind a lot of people of this one truth, they still ignore it as though it does not apply to them somehow.

Karma is the great debt collector, and no matter how much running and hiding anyone does, it will catch up to you.

Yes, I am suggesting that everyone and anyone really and truly think about what you are willing to go through because you cannot see past your own god damned high and mighty self, to the point that you are willingly hurting people because you cannot accept that maybe this time, it was not someone else, and maybe this time, you are who has to pay up, even if you don’t want to. Even if you don’t feel like it. Even if you try hard to get out of the thing that you have created all on your own.

You can’t escape your own Karma.

I said it.

Deal with it.

I Love You All !


Soul With Teeth Shark1




Seeds We Have Sown

…and it was given life through breath, by Christ, as He spoke and stated “Life is as the soil upon which we scatter seed. We sleep and we rise, and the seeds begin to sprout and grow, and we haven’t any power over this – the soil and seed do what is intended. The soil does what is intended, as does the seed…” (Mark 4:26-28, NA translation)

Yeah yeah…I know…it is strange for me to use reference that is biblical, but for this blog post it was appropriate because overnight I have found that there are things that too many of us are not willing to think about in terms of what it is that we are proliferating into this consciousness. I am reminded of people who cannot see past their Ego’s wants rather than what the Soul needs. Sometimes, it is the Soul that calls us out and tells us that we have been this person who we are for way too long, that we have to reassess who we are and our place in life and more than anything else, we have to let go of those things which are tearing us apart on the inside.

The problem with this is that, while a lot of us know that we should let go of the things that hurt us, that pissed us off, that made us feel like we actually had or perhaps still have a lot of work to do on ourselves, there is still a population of people who are more inclined to delve into the darkness that is their own, which is fine, but who don’t accept that their darkness has interrupted the lives of other people. They don’t want to see what it is that they have caused someone else – anyone else – and so they ignore it. Or, if they do not ignore it, they choose to ONLY live in the energy that they want to believe is the only one that is available to them, when in reality, it is not.

These are people who have bothered, without much thought and absolutely with way too much emotion (and not the mushy gushy kind, either), and have recklessly chosen for others, as well as themselves, the things that would visit anyone’s life at all. Manipulation is what this is called, and the more proliferate the energy of manipulation it is that we send out into the Universe, the more we will, without even realizing it, bring into consciousness, through other people responding to that energy, EVERYTHING we think about. The part that these manipulating people do not realize is that EVERYTHING we think about in terms of other people and what we believe to be the truth of what they have caused us (which, a lot of times, we know it is NOT the truth), when we want to make it so that we are the victim (good luck with that because if this is how you feel this is all you will EVER be…I said it, so deal with it) and are willing to lie about things, it is a guarantee that we will also and ultimately go through those very same things that we put someone else through for our own selfish gain, or the things that we accused them of having done to us. (The truth, guys…there is NOTHING like it…Truth rules if you can hang with it)

EVERYTHING we think about becomes our reality…so please, be careful of your thoughts and your energy

If you wanna see the evidence of this energy thing and how our thoughts become things, the easiest way to do that is to look at the way the people who you spend the most time with is affecting them. If you have children, you will see this energy in them, and it will manifest as either joy or trepidation. Having worked with a whole lot of kids of parents where one was abusive toward the other, I have seen this manifested in a whole lot of ways, and the one way that is the more prevalent is that of fear.

If we plant the seeds of control in people, and we are not aware of exactly what we are doing to ourselves, we will find out, not in the nicest ways, that we have done so, and have done so without thought and with absolute malice. The evidence is there, in the energy of the children whose lives have been marred by the constant energy of heaviness, of one parent trying to “outdo” the other in terms of making sure that they hurt whoever it is that they intend to. This comes out in our kids, because they watch all of this, and they absorb all of this, and unfortunately, they proliferate this energy. It becomes what they know as “normal,” and unless someone steps in and either tells them the truth of things, or better than that, becomes the example of that truth in the real reality of Life and of living, those children perpetuate that energy. They have a choice not to, but are not aware of that choice unless or until someone comes along and tells them that they have this choice.

Our kids and their having the choice “not to”

I sit here writing this with the beautiful thought in my head that even as I know that my own children have been through a whole lot in terms of what has happened and what they have seen me go through and more, seen me live with after the fact, my kids are well-adjusted, even as they have seen the horrific nature of abuse within a marriage. While I will not say here or ever that they are not damaged by what they have been witness to, I will sit here, proudly so, and state that they have made it through all the madness and have, by my prompting, learned well how to heal the heart ache.

Yet, not all parents are like this. In fact, a whole lot of parents cannot see the things that they are teaching their kids through their own action (or inaction) toward what has happened. I have a lot of people in my circle of souls who have kids who have watched their children’s own mothers lie about the same said kids’ fathers, and these fathers come to me asking me one thing – they want to know how it is that any mother could enforce the energy of hatred toward someone else, namely the other parent of the children who are not these mothers’ kids alone. Of course, my immediate response is a question of why it is that the mothers of their children hate them and what it was that started all of the planting of the wrong seeds?

The stories that I have heard are nothing short of nauseating. I have a hard time, not with the stories of the abuses that were imparted onto these gentlemen and the lies told about them to the authorities (and there are a whole lot more than only a few of these men, lemme tell you what…)about how these men who were once good enough to father these women’s children are somehow now the lowest scum of the earth. I would like to know what holier-than-thou horse these women came riding up on, because for someone like me – someone who really HAS been abused by the father of her children – to hear these lies, to hear the stories from the reporting police officers and to know through those officers that no such things have happened but that the mothers involved are DEMANDING satisfaction…lemme tell you what, folks…hearing that these people are trying hard to proliferate an energy of deception on the heads of innocent people…well, that just makes me really, really angry.

It is not because of anything other than those kids who, for the very life of them, have no idea that what they are being shown are the roots of where one of their parent’s Soul really are. It is the saddest thing in the world for me to look into the eyes of a child, even the older ones, one who has seen far too many ugly things, and to know what that child has gone through, and to know that it can never be undone and that the only thing that can make it better is that kid knowing that there are adults on this planet who can be trusted not to hurt them or manipulate them for same said adult’s ego’s needs and wants.

The planted seed of winning at any cost…even if you have to lie about it…

Yes…I am on a tangent these days, and it all points toward the collective energy of people – namely the children in our midst- who have been made to withstand the rigors of being the prize in the eyes of some people. Some people have no intention of being good to the other parent of their own kids, and this is wrong, and is wrong because there are always two parents involved in the proliferation of human life. I know – there are a LOT of parents who deserve what they are going through, and those are not the ones who I am writing about, and more, the ones who I am writing about know EXACTLY who they are…and yeah, guys…it is not cool to mess with your kids so that the other parent can hurt because you hurt. Get the hell over it already, because there is a big giant world out there waiting for us all and if you continue to fuck with this other person, the Mother Goddess WILL have Her way with you. (This is the absolute truth. Think about it. Karma doesn’t see anything other than the Soul debts created by YOU!)

And hell yes – I am talking to ALL those moms out there, the ones who I have described in this writing, and the ones who are so down on themselves and are down on themselves because of one thing – they cannot take back all of the shit they gave to one other person, and rather than just letting things go, rather than allowing themselves a second chance at whatever it is that they want to believe that they have lost, they continue the ridiculousness that is the constant grind of making the other parent’s life a living hell.

I am here to tell you all, right now, that the reality is that the other person who helped you bring those kids into this lifetime …that is all and only what your purpose was with that person. I know this. I am living this right now. There is nothing more maddening than feeling like you have to change the way that anyone at all else feels about you. Again, I know this monkey, and it is a monkey which took me about two and a half decades to release back into the wild. It is not mine to carry, the burden which was his that told him he needed to parent another adult, and the burden which is now, when this person who helped me bring these kids into this lifetime and his opinion of me no longer matter to me. They no longer matter to me because I found out both the truth of him, and more importantly, of myself. 

And it is this energy that is power, that is the strength, not only of the Mother, but also that of the Mother Goddess which is alive and well within every human female being on the planet, and the sad part is that there are a whole LOT of women on this planet who talk a good game about being a goddess like being, but who, for the life of them, have no clue what that is all about.

You see, goddesses don’t need human approval, and once it is that you can see yourself, ladies (and men, as gods, that is) as goddesses who have been sent to this lifetime to perform just ONE important act (in my case it was three…and yes, haha…all three are what I refer to as being “tequila babies”…let it go…that was not a bad thing to write lol) with one other person (which is the perpetuation of life through these children who we are meant to teach the RIGHT things) with this one other person who, in some cases, were ONLY intended for that one thing (to undo what was done to us through bringing into this world and through our teaching these kids a different way to believe things and do things and LIVE…duh).

When we hang on and it hurts, this is called a lesson in letting go, but when we hang on and we hurt the other person, this is what is called creating your own karma debt, lesson included in that energy, and there is NOTHING that any one of us can do to undo this energy other than GO THROUGH  IT and the more that we refuse to go through it, and the more that we put other people through this same energy that we have created for ourselves, the more likely it is that our own kids will have to undo this for themselves, and all because we could just NOT let go of our own anger, an anger which will seethe and eat at you for the rest of your human life.

I Promise.

And in reality, where it is that anyone who is this …derelict in their own personal nature and energy, you are not hurting anyone, at least not permanently, with your bullshit. What you are really doing is merely making that other person RIGHT.

Yup…think about that for a moment, and think about how weak willed you have been, and think about how much you have hurt anyone else at all, and then go and take a look in the mirror at yourselves, because the reality is that it was YOU who made you what you are at this moment, which, I am thinking, is nothing short of in possession of the ugliest soul ever, and all because you needed to not feel like such a god-damned loser all the time. No one made you stay in that energy, but you made it a project of yours to create this work of ugliness (because most lives, to me, are works of art…unless you continue to do as the Rolling Stones said and chose to Paint it Black…) 

Whatever it is that you, me, we set out to do in this lifetime that affects the lives of others, we will end up with. This is the reason that I tell EVERYONE who, in Spiritual conversation, comes to me with their inquiries, the reason it is so very important to let go of things and of people who we think owe us anything. You will never change them. That is theirs alone to do. You will never win because that is not what life is about. You will never see changes that you are not willing to go through the pain to enact, and you will always feel like you are not worthy of anything that your Ego tells you to take the shortcut toward having.


The only way to see your own sorry life as different, if ,in fact, you feel your life is as sorry as the collective energy is telling me that you are feeling it is, is to STOP blaming everyone else who you believe hurt you (and who may have but how long ago was it again that this happened? Yeah…shut up and get over it) and start actively seeking the healing that is yours and is your own personal responsibility, to your Soul, the Kuleana which you have created.

And shit yeah – STOP USING ABUSE AS YOUR EXCUSE IF YOU KNOW IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! When you do that, you piss people off…and not all people are going to be afraid of what you THINK you can do. I am oft challenged by people who want to tell me that I am wrong, and the only thing that I can think to tell them in return is simple…

We can test that theory if you like, but, you may end up walking away anything BUT the victor in a battle of wits that a lot of people are not prepared for. Yeah…I said it, deal with it.

Stop putting people on the Cross that is yours to bear.

Eventually, people read the rest of the crucifixion story and find out that Christ rose again in three days time.

You can’t rise again if you are too busy bearing a cross that was way too heavy a very long time ago…seriously, just let it all go and find out that you were never meant to be what you are now and that you have been who has kept on keeping up this madness which you, alone, also, have created.

Be Empowered by your creative nature, not weak willed and directed alone by your Ego…



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These photos can be seen (without the writing) by going to and visiting the “Women of Hula” page



Your time is now meant for YOU !

While we are well meaning in our endeavors with trying hard to help others, the time is now that each of us HAS TO worry about ourselves. Without self-care and being mindful of ourselves we are ineffective in our quest to help others heal.

I will be the last one who will tell someone else that doing things for other people is bad, because that is not the truth. The truth is that we are meant to help others. The problem is that in our quest to help others we more often times than not neglect to think about ourselves. And a lot of the time, it is to our detriment because what most folks who have chosen the healer’s path are not aware of is that there comes a time when what we are able to do with and for others has to also be for ourselves. An effective healer, regardless if whether or not that healing is for others or needed by us and for us, will never be as effective as we can be if we are bogged down and worn out from the energies that are given to us by others.

Worn down and worn out light workers need to learn to set boundaries

I am a light worker. I have been aware of this since a very young age and know well the constant feeling that I have to do something to help anyone else. I know that this alone is dangerous for me in regards to my own health on all levels in that there are a lot of people on this planet who really need the efforts and the energies of light workers in their lives, NOT to heal them but to teach them how to heal themselves AND to also teach them how not to become bogged down by all of the superfluous energies that some folks just do not want to deal with on their own. There is a stark difference between people who need to be healed and people who are able to heal themselves with the proper training. Sometimes, as healers, we need to step away from people, not because we don’t love them or because we are angry with them or anything ridiculous like that.

The simple fact is that sometimes we just need to step away so that we can catch our breath and make ourselves whole again. We make ourselves whole again by first recognizing that we are bogged down. Like, right now, it would not be fair for people like me to just take away our energy from others, because in doing so, at this very moment in time, and unless they are somehow misusing that which we give so freely, there is a great need for extra support in the manner and the realms of the healers and weirdos of the world. This is because there are a lot of crazy things going on in the cosmos that require a bit of strength on the part of the entirety of mankind because right now, there is a LOT happening up in the realms of the Universe.

At the same time, though, it is the perfect time for those who are learning the ways of Spirit and who are carving out their own path toward wholeness to let go of the idea that you all need training wheels, that you are in need of someone there to hold your hand the whole way through. It is not that we do not want to be there for those in our care as much as it is that the more we worry about those who we care the most about and do the most for, at some point we, the healers and weirdos of the world, end up tired. It is like when there has been too many hair products put into the hair and the hair becomes weighted and dull and even hard to the touch, and we know that we need to get some clarifying energies happening for us or else we also end up sick in the soul, which can end with us being physically sick as well.

We tend not to think about the idea that as healers, we also and sometimes need to be healed, and that healing HAS TO come from ourselves. When we take on the sicknesses of the body, the maladies of the spirit, we are automatically opening ourselves up to the energies that are making our charges sick.

The mistake we make as healers and light workers is that we believe that it is our job to be selfless to the point that we ourselves are physically ill.

When a light worker has become ill in the body, it means that they have either taken on the ailment of one of his or her charges, or it means that we have worn ourselves out. We wear ourselves out when we take on so many energies that are not our own and choose to be the messiah for all the people who come to us for our abilities to heal through our listening, to our energetically reading their bodies for the spiritual source of what it is that they come to us for in the first place. We cannot any longer be worried to the point where who it is that we are meant to help has now somehow made it so that their situation is now our worry.

When people become dependent on a healer or a light worker is when the reality of being powerful becomes evidently and also something that needs to be balanced. This is a difficult lesson for anyone to learn, for anyone to be able to perform, not for others, but for ourselves. We believe that we have the power of Christ and we end up martyring ourselves for other people. It is not that we do not want to help, but that sometimes, we just cannot. We become drained, ending up falling off of our own Path for the sake of other people. The hardest time that we have is the time that it takes for us to separate what we need versus what other people need from us.

When we think that we are responsible for what others learn and we take the idea to heart that since we are the healer, that we are the ones who are supposed to care to the point of our own ailment, and when we think that someone else needing us to heal them is our responsibility and where it is that those who come to us for our healing abilities take an unwitting advantage of us is when we feel drained to the point where we can’t even help ourselves.

As hard as it might be, take the time to NOT worry about anyone else but you

It is difficult for healers to NOT heal others, even when we are not feeling well. When a healer is not feeling well it normally means that at some point in our activities we have taken on too many other peoples’ stuff, have become so overly worried about things and situations which are not our own, have taken on way too much and now our physical self is telling our soul-self that we need to take some time out and that we need to create boundaries and that we have to stick to them. When a healer tells us that they have no time to help us, it is not something that is forever, but it is something that anyone who seeks our help needs to dearly think about.

If a person with whom we have much closeness decides that the only way that we can be healed is if we choose to take away from others, no matter who they are, the right to say ‘no’ and the right to remain well, this is not a person who is bothering to see what is in the lesson for themselves.  If someone keeps on bringing to us the thing that we know that they need to heal, and we are not willing to see it, and we are not willing to act on our own stuff, and we continue to pile our stuff onto them, we are not making ourselves or our situation any better. In fact, we are making it worse- worse than we can imagine it being, because we are not willing to see how we, ourselves, can help.

If we cannot bother to help ourselves, and we see where it is that we are, ourselves, not okay with what someone else is doing in their lives and in their healing, and we have the very nerve to tell anyone, namely them, that what they and we have been through is somehow only one person’s fault and there is no claim to the difficult energies involved and we are totally involved in a situation, we are not ever going to heal.

The reason is that we have not bothered to even want to learn to heal. Our first ‘patient’ is always our very selves. If we cannot see in our own selves the sickness that is there and in others, and we can only option ourselves to point out their sins without also acknowledging our own, we are not anywhere near being able to heal anyone else, because through our ego we cannot see how it is that this same energy within us as being the sickness in someone else.

And sometimes it is not a sickness at all, but really is a manner of being that is alive and showing through in someone else that bothers us to the point where we would think that somehow, it is fine to point it out in someone else – anyone else – and that is so not okay. Not one of us has the right to judge. Not only that, but we cannot effectively be any good to anyone else if the only thing that is in our line of sight is the ugliness in other people. My theory is the same as anyone else’s would be, and that theory is that if you can recognize ANYTHING in anyone else, good or not, it also exists in you in some way, shape or form.

If you can see jealousy in another person, it is also in you. If you can see hatred in someone else, and that hatred causes you to be very angry, it also exists in you. if you can see insecurity, addiction, arrogance, loathing, anger, rage, anything, really, no matter what it is, it also is alive and well within you.

There comes a time when you have to save yourself before you can think to try to even help anyone else at all

There comes a time when any healer must pay attention to what they need for themselves. There comes a time when any healer needs to step back from something, stop taking on the energy that is depleting them, stop being a martyr and stop allowing the ego to continue to make you believe that somehow you are the only saving grace for anyone else or in particular at all. No matter what, we know when we need to stop trying to help other people, when that help becomes something that is important to our ego (so that it doesn’t make us feel guilty – that is where most of the idea that we are responsible for other peoples’ feelings comes from) but is a detriment to our entire self.

There comes a time when a person has to stop and think about everything they have gone through on behalf of someone else and just STOP. There comes a time when there is no more guilt to be laid on someone else, a time when what we go through personally has gotten to the point where who we are and what we believe crosses the line between being helpful and being helped in our own depravity, when we will stop the madness that we suffer on someone else’s behalf and when we are more willing to save ourselves rather than try hard to be the savior for anyone else at all.

We can only do so much for anyone.

We can only be brow beaten to the point where what is bothering someone else to the point of them blaming us becomes old and ineffective. When we feel like we have to fight with anyone just so that we can justify the pain we are willing to be in (because someone else won’t do what we want them to do on our behalf) and when we know that we have been made to look like a fool, when we know and can anticipate fighting over anything at all (when in reality there should be no fighting) and when we have to suffer through more than the normally expected amount of bullshit – this is the very big “duh moment” for anyone at all. Healers and light workers are very bad at setting boundaries, at least those of us who are relatively new in our abilities.

Too often we are more willing to believe that somehow what we are willing to do on behalf of anyone else is somehow the right thing to do. It is not always that way. Sometimes it is to our detriment that we will offer up our soul and our self to anyone just to make them feel better about anything. When we get to the point where it is that we think we are the only answer, or that we have the only right answer, or that someone else has to change because we want them to, and we end up making ourselves bat-shit crazy over things that, in the Bones of the Soul, we know that we will not win, this is when the healer within needs to go outside of themselves to seek energy healing from others.

And really, it never needs to be this way, at all, because in all of this weirdness that has become my very life’s blood and work, the one thing that I had the hardest time learning to do is to NOT rush to anyone’s side just because I am able to do what I am able to do. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I always should rush to someone else’s aid.

Healers need to learn to keep some of our energy for ourselves.

Stop fretting over the things that cannot be changed by you for anyone else. You cannot change anything for anyone else, and by no means can you change ANYONE else, either. They have to want to do it on their own.

And more than that, sometimes, the fight that we fight is the indicator that things, as they are, are not okay, that they might never be okay again.

Again…it will be the healer within who will point the way for any one of us.

We need to be able to see the “duh” before we have to live in the middle of it.

Just sayin’…




Operation SoulShine

AJ Foran, Toy Lady of Helendale

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Chick Wisdom Will Never Fail Us…

For all the things that we each go through, there isn’t anything as awesome as the Wisdom which comes from Being a Chick!

Making use of the feminine wiles is not for the faint of heart!

There are a lot of lessons that we learn each day. Some of them are good and make a positive impact. Some of them suck ass but still make a positive impact. All of them are needed. None the less,when it comes to having those conversations with the air, and when we feel like once again we have screwed things SO up that there is nothing that we can think of to make them be better or even different, into the brain comes something which I have termed as being “Chick Wisdom.”

Chick Wisdom

You can call it a woman’s intuition, or your can call it a Divinely Purposed “thing” that all women seem to possess (and hell, some of us even use it!), but I prefer to call it Chick Wisdom.

Yeah, this post is specifically for the girls and women of the world, namely for those of us who haven’t yet been through enough to know how to effectively bounce back from things which may, at the time they are happening, piss us off and break our hearts, but really, all we were doing was learning.

None of us can have any sort of Wisdom without having to go through a few things in life. Things in life aren’t always all bad. When we hear about the lessons that we learn most of the time we are prone to believe that what it is that we had to go through was somehow bad. If you learned from what you went through, and you know that you cannot do whatever it was that you did, you learned. If your heart ached but the ache dulled and then you woke up one day refreshed and feeling better than you have in a long while, you learned. If you went through shit, and experienced shit, but you are still in the mindset that all it was was shit, then you didn’t learn shit. It is that simple. Really.

You can try to get your point across, but if it is that your words befall deaf ears, and you continue to push and try and do what you think you have to in order to feel better, then you ain’t learned a thing.

When we are compelled more to think before we speak or act, think about how a certain thing will affect another person and we are more inclined to impose onto them not only our opinion but also the energy that tells them that no matter what, you are right and they are not, you are not utilizing your own method of the chick in you trying hard to scratch the surface of the issues which are yours and yours alone. While there are other people in your life who might make you miserable, the idea that they are who is responsible for how you feel is preposterous and it is so because you are choosing to let these things happen and choosing to let their shit be your shit, too. And that only makes you feel like a dumbshit, really.

Take it from a professional part-time dumbshit…utilize that Divine Chick Wisdom 

Every single one of us has moments where we lose our clarity and fall victim to our own dumbshit tendencies. I do it a lot. I am sure that I am not the only one who does, but I might be one of the few who will own up to it. Doesn’t matter – we cannot go on through life being a dumbshit, and more, we cannot go on through life trying to not be a dumbshit all the time.

What we can do, however, is we can acknowledge that we have been a dumbshit, can bother ourselves with the idea that we are only human and then can use our Inner Chick to guide us through the maze of madness caused by life.

Survivors of domestic violence and emotional abuse sometimes suffer from a largess of dumbshit tendencies, and the truth is that we are only human, and that our own tendencies toward making bad judgment calls and even worse decisions will take over if we are not allowing ourselves to simply just accept that we are not going to always get things right, that we are prone to making choices that might not be the best ones we have made. The beauty of this is that if we know that we are going to screw things up, then we should know, too, that the bigger the dumbshit thing we do, and the more work it takes to come back from that thing, the wiser we will be for the effort and more, for the dumbshit thing that we did.

You are human. You are going to make all kinds of mistakes. Deal with it. Learn from it.

That way the next time you have the opportunity to be all the dumbshit you can be comes to you,  you will have had enough experience to know the difference between doing a dumbshit thing and using that Chick Wisdom you worked so hard to develop.

It isn’t that hard to make bad decisions. It is only hard when we cannot accept that we did. You were born for a reason, and that reason was to learn throughout the course of your life, yes, even and especially as at one time the victim of someone else, and then eventually, your very own Survivor!!

…and no one who survives anything terrible can possibly be a dumbshit ALL the time, can they?

Nah…I didn’t think so either…

I Love You All!!

The Path of Letting Go

We are never told that there will come a time in our lives when we can just simply let it all go and heal…
We cannot heal according to the whims of others, only from a place within our own selves will healing begin.

While I would love to sit here, pining away at all of the ugly things which have befallen my life these last two decades, and more, while the things that I didn’t have control over as a child I now have control over, and tell a victim on their way to survivorhood that they just need to get over it, I know personally that it just is not that easy. There are things which happen to people that, for one reason or another, it seems, they have a very difficult time healing from. I am no different. It took me a very long time, not to get over what this person who I married half my lifetime ago has said and has done to me, but more, what it was that I blamed my mother for not having a clue about or worse – simply turning a blind eye to.

And let me set the record straight for you all right now – it is never going to be up to the people who were the adults in our lives at another time in our lives to make things right within us or for us. We are not ever guaranteed a thing in life, no, not even that the person who our parents choose to be our caretakers when we are children. I was a very angry child to a mother who, for what it is worth, knew what was happening to me, at least the part that she thought of as being “discipline,” that is, but not the verbal or psychologically abusive stuff. And in her defense I must say right now that there are a lot of people on this planet who still believe that corporeal punishment is a very good thing. It isn’t. I Know this, because I lived through it and was only alerted to the thing that happened to me so very long ago very recently.

I cannot tell another person when their time to let go of their hurts from the past will come to them, cannot tell another person when is the right time to just allow the healing to start – I mean the real healing – because that part is all of our own and on our own. No one can tell us how or when we will, but I want you all to know that eventually, with time, lots of tears, much rage, and a pounding anger which will either subside and we will learn from it, or, conversely, we will not accept it and will not allow it to just fade away from our lives and we will choose to carry on with it as though it was meant to be a part of our own Selves, and while it may seem odd that I might say so, for some people, that anger is what fuels their healing which means that their anger is the truth of them.

We cannot tell other people how they should deal with their own history, for that belongs to them and only to them, and most of the time I have been known to see the truth on the Scenic Route of Life, choosing to go through all the motions and whether I want to think about it or even believe it, savor each and every moment so as to garner what learning that I can from it all.

It is your Path, Walk it…

Just as any other Path we take, so, too, is the path to healing along the Path to Enlightenment. We do not ever realize that what we each go through is meant as a learning tool for us all, and along the way we do what we will to cope.

When we choose to walk the Path of Enlightenment, we are choosing to Know what we are made of, and through the tears and the surety of heartache, and over the course of time that it will take for us to Know our own Selves very well and well enough to realize when it is that what we needed to know, we know, we also walk the Path to healing.

No one said it would be easy.
But as all else that is meant to be had through pushing through it and dealing with it, so, too, is the Path to Healing a hard Path to walk…but, it is the Path which we all eventually will choose.

That is the time when we Know that we can finally let go of the monsters in the closet, the time that we can take the hand of the younger version of ourselves, the child who will Live within us all, the Soul of us, and Walk the Path we chose in this lifetime…

When that time comes, we Know that we chose the right Path and we can finally see the reason that we were so hurt, and more, we can see how it came to be that somehow, we made it through it all and now here we are, better, smarter, stronger and with a conviction of heart and soul, both which can only be had through the birthing of our newer Selves through the Pain that caused us to have to go back to a time where things seemed right because someone else told us things were, only to later be the very person who, through no fault of your own, would also be the one meant to Enlighten others of your own Path and where it took you and more, where it is leading you now.

It is your Path, so walk it, and do so in the Light of Peace and of Love.
When you are ready to, you can call it the time to Let it All Go and Breathe Again, or maybe, if you are like me, perhaps breathe for the very first time…

Let Go…it will only hurt for a little while!!

I Love You All !


Society sees crying and a show of emotions as a sign of weakness. Yet, in the world of the domestically abused, sometimes, tears are all we have.

The fact that my Sun sign is in Pisces makes it so that when I feel something, some sort of energetic or volatile pull on my emotions, if I am presented enough with all the facets and all the stuff that will take prior to said such emotional happening happens, if it is that the thing at hand is emotionally strong, I will likely end up in tears over it. This is not to say that I am not already an incredibly emotional person who feels every little nuance in a situation, but it is to say that personally I know that when we cry we are not only feeling what we have to feel at that given moment, but we are getting rid of toxicity that was not ours to begin with. This is the very reason that I tell anyone with whom I should have contact in regards to the issue of being physically assaulted for the very first time – that they NEED to cry.

Tears are a gift. Even though we end up with puffy eyes and our sinuses end up being very clogged from all the draining of our emotions, when we cry we very literally release the toxins which were built up within us throughout the time that we were only experiencing the emotional part of being abused. And of course the emotional part is way harder to get over than the physical bruises, but what only an actual formerly beaten person will tell you is that the emotions you feel after that initial attack will leave a person feeling an entirely new set of toxicity, and it is this level of toxicity that will compound the idea that you have already gone through all sorts of emotional stuff and now here is  yet one more thing to have to deal with that you know you never cared to deal with but are now very well in the middle of it.

I know this monster well because this monster is the one that lives in the back of the closet of my mind, taunting and haunting me with the mental images, not only of my bruised,  battered and broken self, but also and more importantly, the illuminated and bigger-than-it-really-is image of that angry face, the gritted teeth, the wild look in his eyes, and that illusory background of anger that he said was caused by me.

Let it be well known right at this moment that the first time you were abused, no matter what way it happened, that at that moment you were changed, forever. At that moment you were stripped of trust in others. At that moment your entire world became enmeshed and laced with a fear that is foreign to you, a fear that now lives in you because someone else placed it there and did so with force.

At that very moment in time, you became someone who you no longer knew, at least not the way that you did prior to that one very intense moment. You became the thing that you told yourself that you would never be – your spouse or partner’s victim. The very word “victim” makes people think that you are somehow weak, that you should have had more back bone and above all, the thing that a lot of people will tell you but have no clue is NOT the truth is that they would never let it happen to them.

I am so sorry, folks, but abusers are not the type to tell you when they are going to toss you around physically, and abusers are not going to clue you in to when they have totally lost their mind and are now going to go ape shit on you and physically harm you. There is no abusive person on the planet who is also going to tell you what they are up to and there is no mental health expert who will make me believe that they are the very ones who will unwittingly tell you that they are going to physically harm you. It just won’t happen that way. The way that physical abuse begins is at that point where the abuser cannot “break” you or your spirit, and if you are one of the luckier ones then you will know that a broken spirit is never up to those trying to break it and it is very much a case of if you will allow them that leeway – I allowed that leeway, but you don’t have to.

You never have to let someone else tell you that they are going to physically harm you even though they will say it a whole lot. You never have to believe that you are not worth someone else’s good effort at showing you that you are somehow the effort to be with someone who will not treat you like property. You never have to do a whole lot of things, and at the point where fist meets the eye or the jaw or the ribs, the notion that you do not have to do anything that you do not want to do flies out the window along with your sense of normalcy.
And it is your sense of normalcy that gets shaken and your sense of normalcy that becomes diluted with someone else’s version of “normal.”

Getting hit is not normal. Being told that you are all what someone else tells you that you are is also not normal and what is further not normal is the fact that in a whole lot of cases, many of us will allow this, out of fear or whatever the hell else it is that you can think of, to become the color of “normal” for an abuse victim because this is the “normal” that their own abusers grew up with. It is never normal for anyone to have to fear what another person  might do, because what they “might” do they ultimately and one day end up doing anyway. To tell an abuser that you are leaving them and that they need to deal with it is just inviting them to conjure ways of hurting you further.

In fact, it is evidenced that once a woman reports the abuse to authorities or when she chooses to leave him the abuse victim is neatly placed in a more dangerous position than she already was. Hence, the reason that I am all for provisions made to the abused through nonprofit agencies and government providers. When it comes to abuse and the leaving of our abusive partners it is the paper trail which matters and not only how the abuses made you feel. The reality is that the abuse is not done once you leave and the propensity and possibility of it still happening and more harshly once you are gone is real. More abused women are killed after they have left their abusers and not while they are stuck in the middle of the madness they have been forced to call their lives.

This, folks, is the reality that becomes that of an abused person, and the statistics you read and hear about are real. The textbook descriptions of what we go through are not real because these explanations do not give credence to the idea that bruises and bones take time to heal, that spirits crushed need time to become revitalized, and further, there is no textbook that adequately explains what it is that all abused people go through. And what we go through is quite a lot.

Hence, the reason that it is good to cry, the reason that when it all first starts it is good and needed to feel and explore those emotions and deal with them as best we can at the beginning of things without the benefit of therapy. In fact, to allow the tears to flow is therapy. It helps rid us of our sadness and our grief, helps to ease the bewilderment, and most of all, allows us to feel whatever emotions that we are feeling at the time it all comes to the head that, in most cases, ends up happening and it does not matter how long it took for your attacker to start in on you with the verbal and emotional abuse because at the onset of those things happening it is but a matter of time before the physical abuse begins.

So please, by all means, do yourself a favor and cry.

Sadly, you earned it…

I Love You All

You cannot make other people "get it"

Too often, the abused turn to people who cannot understand the depth of the issues

I won’t bother to “out” the person who chose to run his mouth today about an issue that is really not a huge thing. I also will not go on to tell anyone who it was whose fracture of peace that was hard worked for almost wrecked, just because that person felt a little bit disgusted by the remnants of what someone else did. While I get it…really, I do…it – the ‘it’ that caused this havoc today, and surprisingly no, the “problem” has not seeped into my marriage to this person, was such a minor thing that it really is making me wonder if who in the lives of the abuse survivor and survivors-in-training are really listening to the people who are going through the mess called domestic abuse?

If you don’t listen, you won’t have a clue

This is not meant to insult anyone reading this, but if you are a loved one of someone who is being emotionally abused and you are not listening to what it is that they are telling you and if you are willing to compare your own childhood with your own abusive father to what it is that your loved one’s children go through, please stop. Though the technical similarities are there, I know, for a fact, that no two situations are alike, so please stop behaving as though you know how to fix your loved one’s problem because, no, you do not know.

You want to be there, and that is fine, and you want to help, and that, too, is fine. What is not fine is the idea that you think that what you yourself have been through in any way at all somehow validates that you know better than the victim does. Again – no, you don’t, and there is no more bigger an insult that someone who goes through the abuse can receive. You cannot begin to know what is happening, are not qualified to give advice, can never fix things for them because the bottom line is that you do not know what to do and your attempts a trying to get your loved one through their time of heartache, though appreciated, may only serve them with more grief.

Believe me, I know this one personally. If I didn’t, I would not have anything to write about today.

You cannot make things better by making your abused loved one feel like he or she is not doing enough to get out of the very volatile situation by making a phone call to the nearest shelter or even to the police.

From experience I can say that yes, calling the proper authorities when your loved one is being physically harmed is the best thing that you can do for them. Yet, when there is only an exchange of words, and this is not to tell anyone that verbal abuse is less damaging than physical abuse (because it is lots worse on the victim, and yes, I know this one, too), there really is nothing that calling any authority, any shrink, any person will do to help. And please, spare me the “they don’t want help. If they really wanted out, they would get out.” To those who would think and believe this, let me give you the biggest “go fuck yourself” that you have ever had.

You do not know what it is that abused people go through, even after their abuser is not in their lives. You do not know how to make it go away, and you can suggest all you want what you THINK you would do, but you are not in the situation and you cannot try to make an abused person get into your head when most assuredly it is YOU who needs to get into theirs.

To suggest that any abuse victim or survivor LIKES being told who they are, what they do, blah blah blah, is just adding huge insult to permanent emotional injury that the abused person has to heal from all on their own, and your adding your two fucking cents to a matter that you know nothing about, that you have not researched and that you are basically clueless about only pisses your loved on off. You are not helping the problem. You are adding to it, and you are quietly being placed on that list of people who abused them as well. Watch your mouth and your ass, because you do NOT get it and if you say horrible things to them about their life situation, you are just as creepy and clueless as is their attacker. You know nothing when it comes to what other people go through, and you will remain to know nothing as long as you continue to flap your fucking jaw muscles about an issue that you have some very real feelings about but not an ounce of real knowledge. Knowledge is key in these kinds of things, and without a scrap of even knowing at least your own part in their pain, again – you are no longer a part of the solution but have, without realizing it, become a part of the problem instead.

Way to go, hero!

…and arguing with an abused survivor or with someone in the middle of their crap over what YOU think they should do is like a sin against God and mankind

The term STFU completely applies here, because getting up in the proverbial ass of someone whose life is in utter turmoil is just like telling them what to do. Telling them what you would do if you were in their situation is a bad thing. You do not know what the hell we go through, so shut your sorry ass up and no, you WOULD NOT do all those things that you are telling your loved one to do. Stop turning them into your newest science project in societal bullshit. You do not know what you would do. You are telling your loved one this because you are not in the middle of the same pot of shit soup that they are in and you keep making it seem that they are somehow indebted to you for being the foremost expert on something that is foreign to you.

If you have not been hit by someone who outweighs you at least by 100 pounds, shut up. If you have not been bullied by someone who outweighs you by at least 100 pounds, shut up. If you have not been afraid of someone who outweighs you by at least 100 pounds because you have a memory of what happened to you and you cannot go through that shit again, please, shut the hell up, really. You cannot glean from television or the internet enough knowledge to get your ass out the door in terms of and in regards to having been abused in some way, shape or form.

Again, please, shut up. You do not know what the fuck you are talking about. Unbeknownst to you, and I am just telling you this as a favor to you – you, not so coincidentally, do not know it all, and no, your fucking big fat graduate degree does not make it so that you know more than a survivor or victim of domestic abuse and family violence. While you may know a lot more about whatever it is that you studied, unless you studied psychology and at least have a passing interest in the thinking of the abused…shut…the…fuck…up…today.

One more time…

You want to know how to help your loved one? That’s easy – shut the fuck up and listen to them, because that is what all abuse victims and abuse survivors really do need, just someone to listen, to not judge them, to not put their own two cents in about how they feel about the abuser – talking about the abuser to the abused only places the attention and your attention on something that you do not need to further etch in the abused person’s head.

Shut your foolish ass up and fucking listen. Listening will give you the opportunity to really know what it is, even in a very tiny way, what it is that they have gone through, what we have all gone through, and what a lot of us always go through, even after the abuser is no longer in our lives.

The very best thing that you can do for your loved one if you really want to help them is to simply just be there and to listen, because anything else you tell them will fall on deaf ears, as their entire lives are lived on the idea that they must always look over their shoulder, must always sleep with one eye open, must always have that sixth sense that tells us that we have to be careful…

Since we know that we have to be careful, perhaps, too, you might also want to be careful as well.

Wouldn’t want to be the cause of yet another fight, or worse, another bruise caused to your loved one because you had shit to say, now, would you?

I Love You All…(yes, even you idiots with no idea of what you are advising to your loved ones)


(Rev. Roxanne Cottell is a Freelance Writer, Speaker and Spiritual Counselor residing in Southern California. If you want to exact change and cause a Stir, you can contact Roxanne by clickinghereHer latest book, “Goddesses, Priestesses and Queens” can be purchased at and

What you Give…

In a time when having little to none at all, it seems a bit of a task to give, but in reality, it is the only way to get back to You

Biblically, it is said in the book of Matthew that “the meek shall inherit the earth.” Depending upon how you interpret biblical meaning is what will make this a meaningful post to you, namely if, like I was feeling this time last year, you feel like you have nothing left to give. The best thing that someone who is learning to heal on their own can grasp and wrap their head around is not some weird fad diet, not cosmetic surgery, nothing tangible, but instead, is the very simple and inborn gift that we each have to give.

Because I was raised up in the church (in other words, was force fed the hellfire and brimstone yet Unconditional Love of God … and found out later on in life that sometimes, being force fed something as great as Unconditional Love is what is best for us because it matters in regards to our larger Life Purpose) and because I am a Hawaiian person, my Life was meant as a testament to the healing properties of giving Love. However, for someone who has never willingly accepted being a statistic for data compiled for reasons of collecting information about spousal abuse, it is hard to give.

Hard to Give

Once it is that a person has been subjected to the whims and the madness of another, another who promised never to do the horrid things that no person should ever have to go through, you begin to learn very fast that what you have you have to keep, no matter what it is. You begin to think this way because the simple fact is that an abuser will do what they have to and basically whatever it is that they want to in order to keep their victim too afraid to be their true selves. In my case it was that my husband wanted a trophy wife, and he wanted a wife for other people to look at but not a wife that would be allowed to have her own thoughts and her own life and her own Self. Though he swears that he never took anything away from me (because what he took was intangible), the proof that he did is that here I am 20 years later, and I am about to re-embark on a journey into connecting with the world at large and have started my ascent back into the world of entertainment, of being with like minded musicians and artists, both well known and on their way to being well known, (or perhaps only worried about the music itself, as long as someone hears it and likes it) who are on a mission to rebuild the world, one person at a time, beginning with their very selves.

Sound familiar? It should.

Our Very Selves

All abuse survivors know that what they have been through is not and was not ever their own fault. It is not the fault of an abuse survivor to take responsibility for their bruises or their fractures, not their responsibility to have to deal alone with their own disbelief, their own heartache, the mess that has been made of their lives. We know without doubt that we are meant for a bigger purpose, that we are here to suffer, at least we know this to an extent if we are lucky enough to have people in our lives who know us well, so that we can go out into the world and help to heal it. This is not to say that we accept our lot in life, because no one with a brain in their head would ever agree to being treated like property, but rather is to say that each of us has a compelling story to tell and that our story was never meant to be a secret. What we go through is shameful, but of that shamefulness is borne the strength, and more, the willingness to go on in Life and to be a part of change and charity.

We are forced for long periods of time to be a very tiny, very closed off piece of the puzzle of Life that once it is that we release ourselves back into the fray we have no idea what we want to do in the grander scheme of things, even though we are aware that what we have gone through is a testament to survival, to the undying human spirit, to being whole again. We end up getting back into the world, not really aware that there are still people out there who want to hurt us, and we end up ending up with those people.

Then one day we get a clue and we figure out all on our own that being a person who will go out into the world and hurt others because we have been hurt is not the way to go. We go through the rebound thing, sometimes not with other people but with things. In my case, and because my old man always made sure to it that I knew that the reason that I ended up with anything “label” is because he bought it for me, I was the one who spared no expense on “pretty things.” There was no brand new Victoria’s Secret bra that I did not own, and there was not a pair of shades expensive enough that I did not want. I was a glutton for pretty things, a glutton for glory, if you will. Once all my things were gone, and about a year after I began seeking my own Spirit and its Cause, I realized the reason that John came into my life. He was brought to me to show me that though I loved the pretty things in life, I Loved more the things of an intangible nature. He showed me what and who I am not, and more, led me to the rediscovering of Who I have always Been.

I say a lot about our intangibles, and it is because our intangibles are permanent for us. Our intangibles are those things in our lives, those ways of being, which compel us to be there for one another, no matter how big or small a scale it is. To a certain and limited extent, it is actually a good thing that he came into my life and stayed, even though the way that I was brought back to me should never happen to anyone, it came the way it was supposed to and came with my having realized now that the pretty things in Life were always mine and that no one had to give anything to me as I’d already had what I needed, which in turn, to this point after realization, has brought me some very, very pretty things (thanks, April, for the very pretty shoes, girl!! I hope you like your gift as much!!).

Everything is with purpose, even the things that seem to make no sense to us, especially our suffering and learning through that suffering.

What You Give

Some folks are more prone to throw money at a thing, but there are others on the planet who LOVE to DO for cause. I am one of those people who very much like to raise money for causes, whose lives and day jobs are dependent on the giving nature of human beings and for the need we have to be of good service to one another. For more than twenty years I have fought the undying fire within me to do something big and grand and do it for the Love of being with other people. My husband told me, even though I never believed him, that people are horrible, that they will try to take what you have and then some, and that people in general cannot be trusted. And if there is anything that any abuse survivor knows well it is that sickening feeling of not being able to trust others. The ability to not trust others, by the way, is a natural reaction. It is the fight and the flight within us all. The difference between the human animal and the rest of mammalia is that we humans are able to reason.

With that ability to reason and to discern what others are up to we have also been blessed with an ability, namely when you have been forced into a situation which calls for our natural ability to sense a bad thing, to see in others that which can be called “good.”

When we find that “good,” we want to look at it and admire it and call it ours. What we are not realizing at that point, the point when we want to call it ours, is that it IS ours and it is also our right to claim it. We find at that point that it was never what we were given up to that point of realization, but instead has always and only been what it is that we have given to another, given to a situation, given, really, to ourselves. No one asks to get beaten up physically, but it happens to the best of us, and one way or another, we learn from what it is that we have been given. Some of us never learn, but most of the time, we figure it out, and once we do, we never unlearn.

One thing that we all eventually learn is that it is never what you have got, it is only ever what you give.

Find a cause to give your Love to. Find a reason to be happy, to be on fire, to have the will to never look back at what has happened and only look forward to what you can imagine.

Love is My Cause

Love is my Cause. I support a lot of causes, from AIDS and illness to, of course, making sure the world knows that violence among spouses is never a good thing, to the bringing out in the Goddesses in training the beauty which cannot be purchased at the make up counter, and yes, of course, to those whose lives are lived in the throes of danger so that our right to express ourselves stays intact.

When the beginning of 2009 came, and I sat with my head in my hands, in tears because my house and my pretty life were gone, with as much of a quickness that the tears came, so, too, did the thought in my head come to me that I needed to travel a Spiritual Path to wholeness, that I needed to find that piece of myself, all over again, that begged for the opportunity to give and to be who I am through the use of my gifts and the use of my communication skills and my penchant, simply, for desiring to make my own Prayer of Jabez kick some serious ass…and you know what?

It worked, like a charm, the idea that since it is that like all Pisceans, I, too, wanted to swim in the big ocean of Life instead of staying like the rest of the guppies and settling for a nice home life with a set schedule and the same old, same old, everyday of my life. I wanted to be a part of the changes happening, and I wanted to bring people together again, like I did when my hair and my attitude were both bigger than my heart even though my heart knew back then what it wanted me to do. Even then I knew I was meant to exact some sort of change in the way that people do things and who they do those things for, but until New Year’s Eve 2011, I had no real idea of what it was that I was supposed to do. I just knew that it was big and that no matter what seemed to stand in my way, there was and will always be a way and that maybe that block in the road is meant to be there so that I can find another way to do things.

And yup, that is exactly what all the blocks in the Path were twenty years ago. Twenty years ago I was the rocker’s fantasy chick…all hair, legs, and attitude (and of course it helped that I am one of those island chicks…something about an island chick and a rocker guy that just…well, you know…lol) but these days, I am the rocker and rocker in training’s best friend in so far as causing a stir, putting asses in seats, making sure that the reason that any of us are here and breathing is to be of service to the rest of the species.

SO, with that said, it is time to get on out there and scream your own name, and to do it for your favorite Cause.

What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Yeesh! Get your asses out there and change the world already!!

I Love You All !!


(Rev. Roxanne Cottell is a Freelance Writer, Speaker and Spiritual Counselor residing in Southern California. If you want to exact change and cause a Stir, you can contact Roxanne by clicking hereHer latest book, “Goddesses, Priestesses and Queens” can be purchased at and

"The Greatest of These is Love…" (1 Corinthians 13:13)

The greatest gift another can receive from us is our Love

I just finished writing my other blog  and find that the one thing that survivors of domestic abuse are very unsure of is being able to Love fully again.

Let me tell you one thing, folks – no one is not ever capable of not Loving completely, no matter what or who. We were designed with the capacity to Love, with the capacity to give that Love, and it does not matter how many times we are beaten, literally or figuratively, the one fact that remains and will always remain is that no matter how much we want to believe that we are not lovable, no matter how many times we tell ourselves that we will not ever trust another person again for as long as we each live, there is not one person on the planet who is void of the ability to Love.

The Ability to Love

We, at one point, believe that we are not lovable, believe that we are somehow the only person on the planet who is not getting the Love we deserve and the one person on the planet who was meant as the poster child for who has been abused. NO ONE NEEDS to be abused, but it happens a whole lot, and in the time that it takes for someone to beat out of us the idea that we do not need Love from many sources we are at the point where we believe there is no return.

When speaking of Love, there is no such thing as a point of no return – Love is always returned, maybe not by the person who we try to Love and who we want to Love us, but from the rest of the planetary Tribe we are all an important part of. And when it comes to that point, it is the time that we find a way to involve ourselves with something outside of ourselves so as to give to the world the thing that lives within us.


There is no gift quite like it

This time of year we are bombarded with mail and emails and pop-ups and people at our door who are soliciting donations for various causes. And of course I would encourage anyone to give what they can, but when you can’t give something tangible, give something that you can give all the time, without needing to stand in line to pay for it, and give something that is guaranteed to come back to you.

We are convinced by others that we are not worthy to receive what it is that we need, and if we believe this we end up with nothing, or what seems like nothing, but there is always our inborn capacity for Love.

Give of your Self – find a cause to support...

In all the years that I have been in this marriage with this now dying man, I never really understood why it was that I felt like I was not doing enough. The truth was that I was doing plenty for him and nothing for me. When the first AIDSWalk that he knew about my participation was about to start, he gave me so much grief for it and badmouthed me to the point of not being able to think straight. Then one morning I woke up and looked at him and saw that it is not because he is a homophobe, not because he is choosing ignorance over common sense, that we was like this, but because it was something that he was not willing to know more about, and what he was not willing to know more about was the idea of giving of one’s self through time and effort.

To people who have no cause to support, theirs is a world which is black and white, cut and dry, and there is no such thing as being able to give without also expecting to receive something tangible in return. This man knows that though I love my tangible goodies, I am someone who Loves and Loves giving intangible gifts. It is no wonder that I do what I do for my job – I Love people, and I Love communicating with people, and I Love to give people things that they can feel but cannot touch.

In short, I Love to Love others, and my Life is about giving it freely to those most in need of it. It is my cause, to be here in this Life to Love others by teaching them and including them in how they heal from the brokenness of their own lives so that they can go on with Life with their heads and hearts vibrating in unison, lending to the greater Whole of Life itself.

If what you have been through in Life has taught you anything at all, I hope that it is the knowledge that you are Loved, are lovable, and that you have a lot of Love to give, not just to one person, but to the world at large. By joining a cause, you give yourself an avenue through which you can work out your imbalance of wanting to Love but not being able to or wanting to show it or give it to the person to whom you entrusted your Self to and then later found that you judged them incorrectly. Where you feel like there is nothing, there is something and that something is Love and the nothing that you feel is just there to remind you to get out there in the great big world and start giving it away…

You can do it. You can be your own cause until another one comes along that needs your brand of Love!!

I Love You All!!

(Rev. Roxanne Cottell is a Freelance Writer, Speaker and Spiritual Counselor residing in Southern California. For inquires regarding the Ka Wahine ‘Ui dance program for survivors of domestic abuse,or any other inquiries. send an email by clicking this link . Her latest book, “Goddesses, Priestesses and Queens” can be purchased at and  

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