I can’t lie to anyone, and anyone who knows me also knows this about me. I have one of those things called a guilty conscience, namely when it comes to things that other people are going through. I reach out with the best intentions. Sometimes, I am confused and confounded, not just by my own self, but actually by the world and its grief. I thought it was not supposed to still be this way, but, it is. And it is the words, again, in my world, that I am hearing right now…I know what are my own Truths. My internal guidance system, that thing within us all that guides us to our lessons or away from turmoil, should we choose it that way, tells us our core truths.
Our core truths are there regardless if we want to believe the energy or not – the truth is one thing…unchangeable.
The Unchangeable Truth
At the moment, I am dealing with a Truth that I really don’t want to deal with, because the bottom line is that it is not my Truth. It can be anyone else’s truth at all, but, I know, for sure, that the things that were said of me and to me are not the Truth. What is the Truth is the very opposite of those things. At this moment, this is exactly how I am dealing with this – by knowing what is the Truth, and in knowing so, at least on some level, I am somehow set free from the bounds that tried to keep me in that energy that is someone else’s Truth about me – to them it can be true. To me, it will never be. It can be, as I have already stated, anyone else’s truth at all, but, in my core, and because of all that I know I have done and been through, it is not mine, and it never has to be.
I am who calls it in terms of my own Truths. For the most part, I am very big on tangible Truths. A tangible Truth is a Truth that I have witness to my being this way. I am this way for a good purpose, because for too long in my life I have been doubted, called names, and a whole host of other wonderfully horrid things. The unfortunate part is that for a long, long time -almost 47 years….I believed it all. I know better. I probably always have. However, in the grander scheme of things, the way that we are taught to be accepted by others, all those years ago, simply just is WRONG. I am living proof of this.
I am not the same me who I was just five years ago. This is the Truth.
There are plenty of Truths, and all of them may or may not be believable. The things that I was told earlier are not believable. If they were, I might be hurting lots more than I am right this moment, but right this moment, the pain, while I cannot stand it, is teaching me something. Whatever it is will reveal itself in time. For right now though, I am planning on just sticking with what I DO know as being the absolute Truth that is Mine.
While I might not be happy about it, what I am is very strong in the idea that no matter who thinks or says what they will, about anything concerning me, I know the actual Truth.
Tomb? Womb? What has the Truth to do with either of these other than the absoluteness of the Cycle of Life?
Here is where all of this….other peoples’ Truth…comes in…
The word that I had heard was “tomb,” and not but a day and a half later, I started seeing and hearing the word “womb” all over the place. It was said to me the other day at the weirdness store that I frequent, was told to me by a cousin who just gave birth, was studied this past week in terms of what I am learning at school in my Abnormal Psych class…the word “womb” has been in my head for a reason, and I am sure that this blog and the thing that I have learned, even though the way that I had to learn was not the nicest way, is that we can see our lives, even when they are shitty, even when things are not going our way and mostly absolutely when things seem like they are never going to be able to be turned around for us, either as a tomb that is going to encase us in the miry goop of turmoil, or, as the womb, which is dark, cramped and probably not very comfortable. Either way, this is the truth.
We can see our Turmoil as a chance to see the opportunities that we do not realize are lurking, and have the chance to be rebirthed into a new life of our own Creation.
Or, we can see our turmoil as being the thing that directs our lives, makes things happen or not happen, is the core Truth of us. It is not. The more that we think this way, the more that we bring into our lives the thoughts and the manifestations that will always and only bring us that which we fear the most, no matter what it is. What we are not realizing at all times is that the majority of the time, it is not an actual thing, life event, other person, that makes our lives tumultuous and filled with turmoil. It is the way that we are perceiving them, and yes, I DO know that for a very long set of years, I was encased in a cocoon of pain, and it was pain that I was not meant to carry, but to learn from. Our perception of things as being unable to be corrected by our own brilliance is what stops us. We do not realize that we are bigger than we think we are. We are more powerful when we are at what we perceive as being a point of weakness. We prove how strong we really are.
It took me a long time to accept it but, the truth of the matter was that, even as I was not the one who was solely responsible for anything that happened to me and by action and words of others, my part in all of it was that I allowed myself to believe that I was powerless to do a thing to keep me protected. I felt, because of what I believed, that I have been the one who has had to explain themselves. No I don’t. I am my explanation, and everyone knows this about me. This is also why I am …numb.
I am not powerless. This is what I learned from all of those years of being abused, of being told who I am by other people who really have no idea of who I am. While I was in turmoil, I was not powerless, and when a person is being abused, the one thing that that same person will feel is powerless, no matter who says what to them, no matter who tries to teach them to feel empowered simply for being alive and breathing – we are the ones who make it possible that we are also the very ones who willingly believe all of the ugly things that happen to us are because we deserve them to happen.
Again….one of those things that is not the truth. Yet, no matter how much any one of us wants to experience a different Truth, the bottom line is that we will not ever be able to do that unless or until we are also and willingly able to grasp on to the idea that the things that people have said to us throughout the course of our lives might have been the truth about us a long while ago, but, people change. With those changes, people grow. When we grow, we outgrow what was the very truth of us a long time ago, and we realize that we are not the person who we were all those years ago.
In fact, once it is that we can wrap our heads around a few things, mostly things that we are not able to accept, this is when the healing begins.
The truth in healing begins when we are able to see things from a different perspective, able to know that the reason why anything we have to let go of, lose or go away from us are meant to do a few things – to bring to us the same thing again, only made more refined, or, something better. The Universe always and only grants us with the things that we need, and once it is that we have learned what we are supposed to learn, this is when the actions that are meant to happen, happen, and while we might not like those actions, the truth is that sometimes, we need them to happen. We need them to happen because we need to make room for other, perhaps better things, or the same things but more refined. It is tough, I know, to wrap our heads around this but, at the moment called “Now” it is really all I have to give to me….
We need them to happen because without them happening, we will not learn, grow, and if we do not do either of these things, we will surely feel it. We will know it on a level that we would rather not, and most of the time, that level is where we believe we are supposed to stop. What no one who is trying hard to become more enlightened knows or wants to believe is that growth is not easy. It is not easy, it is not kind and it is not for those who are not willing to learn about themselves.. .so as to better who they are, with the inclination towards their going out into their own world to make their world a better place, but not only for themselves, but for those who are closest to them.
The only reason that things get worse is because we are not looking at the energy that is behind it all.
The Energy That is Behind It All
I refuse to believe that who we are is not meant to be the most important person in our own lives. This is something that I learned about me, about one other person, who knows that they are important, but, given the current situation, no one can blame them for feeling like they are not.
What is the subject of this writing is that ultimately, we, ourselves, are the very ones who choose between the tomb, or the womb. It is simple physics at the quantum level: that which we focus ourselves on, happens. This is not my rule. This is science. Whatever it is that we focus on the most is the thing that happens.
Sure, we might have all the right intentions in the world, but, even the best intentions are never going to materialize if we doubt ourselves, doubt our abilities, doubt our strength.
At the moment I am doubting my own strength, believing that I will not be the same once the smoke clears and things can be seen for what they truly are right this moment. Right this moment everything is an ugly, shitty, hurt-filled mess, and it is not only me, or this other important person, or any one person in particular. It is the very all of us.
Collectively, we are in this tomb of our own creation caused by our well-deserved feelings of terror and peril and exhaustion at the emotional and spiritual levels, and one that is very dark with thick walls, surrounding us with this feeling and making us believe that we will not make it out of this shit alive.
I beg to differ.
And I do so because I am not one who any longer, I have found, can truly, after the thing that happened to one other person, and the thing that was begat from the thing that happened to one other person, state that collectively, we have entombed ourselves in this very thick wall of grief. It is with very good reason -it is because we are, collectively, at a loss. When we are in the midst of the feeling of the emotional nature and fire within us is when we are there and present and in the very pain of the moment. We do not realize how tired we are. We have been industrialized to the point and belief that who we are depends on what we do (I know …I get it….I do so much reading, all the time, that I am shocked that I can still see…if there is one thing that I voraciously Am, it is being someone with a keen, stealthy mastery of words. I am never without my words…they soothe me).
When I find myself to feel as I do right this moment, which is in a very …busy….yet pronounced, energy of pain… I have no place else to put this other than into as many words as I can. I promised myself that the next time something big and painful happened in my life, that I would not be afraid to at least express myself in the manner that I have always. But, this time, there is more to it than meets the eyes. Even my own.
What this is is the representation of my present self as being in the Womb.
In which, I realize now, after having spoken with Gator, that I have eluded to this tomb that I have been in since I was a child for far too long. The pain is too much. I feel a nauseating mixture of grief and anger, both at the same time, as well as a deep, abiding warmth that I can only call Love.
And I am quite numb at the moment.
It is simply Spirit’s way of soothing an ache that I have mourned for the last…call it twelve weeks…
A Violent Rebirthing for Us All…
I am not talking to anyone specifically, even as I am addressing my pain as best I can without thinking that this is somehow my doing.
Stuff ain’t easy right now, for a lot of us. I know that doesn’t make it any easier reading it but, if you made it this far, and you are still alive, it means that you still have something to do while you are here. It means that you have purpose and that you have meaning in this lifetime and that you are meant to be here. When I tell people – anyone at all – that the ugliness that we are all feeling at this time is everywhere. We are each and all, on some level, entombed in the pain of right Now.
I know that I am.
I always am.
And I am because I am so very materially limited in my ability to help others right this moment, and not only one person, but a few, and hell yeah – it hurts like hell.
It hurts like …Tequila can fix it (but I won’t let it ever again), and hurts like “What the hell? HUH?”. It hurts like ….ouch.
All the way around.
I have been in this pain for twelve weeks now.
In twelve weeks I have been in a minor car accident (second one within a year’s time), twisted my knee that is on the tail end of the mend, have had to endure more of the shit that I already endure in this house (and I spend a LOT of time outdoors…yep…I am asking it, too… “how in the FUCK? is THAT happening?”…good question…anyway…), make certain that my schoolwork is done and my grades do not suffer, deal with three sick people almost all the time, and of course, suffer slings and arrows in many of my own very important relationships…the ones that matter to me the very most.
In all of them, I am sure that we each and all have been in so much pain, for so long now, that at this juncture in our collective lives, it is coming to the surface – figuratively, and literally. If we each and all looked at one another, we would see there, in the faces of our global family, this pain of loss, of grief, of exhaustion, and all of us just keep on plugging away. We do it because I have a saying, and every person on this planet who I share a dear closeness with and know me best know that I am fond of saying and repeating that where there is breath, there is hope.
It might seem a strange thing to say, and might even border on being very much a new age thing, but it isn’t. It is just something that I have always believed. I have always believed, no matter how much we tend to think otherwise, that that which is supposed to live will breathe until it is not supposed to. You cannot imagine how many times, and neither from how many people, I have heard from, wanting to just no longer breathe anymore….and how dearly saddened I am that this is their Truth. I cannot deny another’s Truth. I cannot state that I do not place emphasis on outcome where my own life is concerned, because I do, much as we all do. Yet I also cannot let go of my own Truth which is indeed where there is breath, there is Hope.
Knowing this is the only way to really understand how it is that what we are going through at any given time in our lives, does not define who we are, to anyone at all, and it should not ever define us to ourselves. We are who and what we are on purpose – Divine purpose. We are not here by some flaw, or by accident, but with purpose, and that purpose is so that through digging into the shit pile of pain, we find that diamond there. We find what it is that is relevant and true and filled with Love that is the very Truth of us. When we realize that the tomb is only where your old behavioral patterns of self are left, and in their wake are birthed, little by little, these versions of our own selves as our Truest Selves. We can think of our lives as being our tomb. We might even have something in our lives that would cause us to have a place to see it as this.
However…you can also choose to see it as the womb from where you will be rebirthed. You don’t realize, really, that you have been going through the throes of violence from the birth of Self that your Soul called in, and not because of anything other than that. You do not understand this pattern, but in the future you will be able to see it, and you can call it and you can allow one part of your Self to die in it while it allows a new version of that part to come shining through, like a butterfly in a cocoon.
This is what I am calling my …mailbox…that I call this house – it is the womb. As of this moment, it is my Womb.
I don’t know how else to feel right now.
I don’t want to talk about it.
This is not really talking about it …the thing that is making me numb at the moment…
…but more about what I am feeling as being the collective angst, and experiencing it on that level, so that I can stay numb from what is here and Now and in my own personal world…