We all know what we do not want…but…do we know what we DO want?
I am Kahuna.
I will not lie- I have always enjoyed the strange nature of things that go on in the ether, but, for the first part of my life on this planet and in this lifetime, while it was that I was very curious about the weirdness, I was terrified of it at the same time that I was curious about it. The bottom line, all of my life, and even sometimes now, I had a fear, not of going to hell, but of letting my parents -particularly my mother – down.
Fast forward to the Now , and with the help of my Maestro, I realized what I feared was that my mom would so dearly be hurt (which she won’t admit to being but I know that she was), and that she might not love me anymore. I feared that my challenge to what was right and correct and true to her would be what made her not love me. I was terrified that she would judge me for who I am now, for what I like now, for who I Love the most right now…but, that did not happen. What happened was that my mother, in all of her motherliness, actually did what I, myself, have had to do, for what seems like a very long time, but really is not – I did that thing called “accepting my kids for who they truly are,” and nurtured that energy within them.
Essentially, I became the mom I did not have. This is not stating that her as my mother was not the best that I could ever have (because now that I think about it, she was actually trying to protect me. All water signs live through a belief that we have to fear everything…please, keep reading…), because without my mom and all of her religious belief, lots of things that did not happen in my life that could have happened were never realized. What was realized, over time, was that there was nothing that I was taught that was not of some sort of good learning for me.
What I learned was that my mother’s way of love for me was very black and white (and it had to be, because I am, by her own stating so, her “wild child”), was cut to the chase and held no secrecy, at least in terms of the absoluteness that is a mother’s love. What I was shown by the Maestro (as well as my oldest) most recently was that what my mom taught me were the lessons of growing out of those expectations and into my own vision of my life, of what would be contained there, of who would be allowed in it, and how much I was willing to see to it that I would remain who I am – this mom, this “Pineapple,” this Me who is the Me who I love so very much and who my Hanai Ohana would be remiss to know that I chose to change to please other people. I know who matters. If change is required, I will know who is the reason why some changes need to happen for me.
I always felt my mom did not like me as a person. I was wrong. I had felt that way all my life, like if I changed one thing about her conjured version of “me,” that I would lose my mother’s love.
This was, and still is, a primary fear for us all – that our parents will be so disappointed in us and as who we truly are or that we are not doing things their way, that ultimately, we fear losing their love. This does not address the idea that some of us (again, including me), still live in that energy and don’t even know it. The feeling denotes that somewhere within us, we do not have (or think we don’t have) the earliest, most…”spot-welded” moment, where every single one of our sensations, bodily and emotionally, can be recalled, and we can feel everything from that moment as though it were right now. In that moment are snippets and snapshots of it, and of every other one that was also spot-welded in our psyches, that prove through our digging for the truth, that we won’t lose the love of those most important to us and in our lives.
This is the defining moment of who we know as mom or dad and of who they are, specifically and in those roles, in our lives. This is the time that the emotional temperature gauge is set, when we are children, even though we do not realize it. It is also the time in our lives that we, at least in my opinion, have initially brain-mapped ourselves into the energy of the reality, to our little tiny brains, that is “mom” and “dad.” In my life, my recollection of this is so dearly planted, and at times the memories so very painful, and why? Because I could not identify with her role in my life as much as I could my dad’s (he is kind of a brainiac).
I was Daddy’s little princess, and I did not become Mommy’s little girl until I was in 2nd grade. Sure, she might tell you differently, but, this is my remembrance of how it came to be that I would know my mom in her role as mom, and my dad in his role as that person, and how it affects our abilities of communicating what it is that we are trying to utilize in our very most important relationships.
When we are not able to speak our own truths, it is because, I think, of the reward system planted in our heads as children. In my lifetime, as a child, one parent was more encouraging, and the other was the disciplinarian. On the one hand, I was encouraged by both of them to excel in my gifts and talents and the use of them, and on the other hand, I was confused all the time because everything was cause for their God to punish me and that I would end up being sent to hell.
This is how my mother did her mothering for a time – via the fear of God, which I now understand was something that she was able to use as her means of scaring me enough to behave properly (WRONG way to do it, namely if you want your kids to even think to remain with the belief system they grew up with).
I always felt like I was being judged very harshly by her and that most of the time she was picking on me. The realest thing to me then was my own fear of her judgment, but now, I understand that it was not that she was judging me, but that she was still trying hard to get her own parents to at least show her a tiny bit of love that came without condition by trying hard to be the disciplinarian mom (like my grandmother – a Sagittarius – fire, action, catalytic…there is no way my mother, even now, could be a fire sign mom because she is water). She used the phrase “constructive criticism” a lot, which told me that I was a damaged person and would never be right, never be smart enough, good enough, and this equated to my also believing that I had to prove that I was worthy of her SHOW of love.
The way that this always presented itself to me was not what she expected or perhaps had hoped for.I am sure that she thought that what she was doing, because it is how she was shown love by my grandparents (which was without a whole lot of a show of affection…how could they? My Kupuna had six kids!) She did not know until I came around just how difficult it was for her to show affection to others. I am sure that she tried a whole lot to bring herself to that point of that show for me, but, I was not shown this and at a very young age it seemed as though I was more akin to a family pet, perhaps even a show pony. Little did I know or could I have even comprehended that it was not that she did not love me, because I know very well that she did and does. It was that she did not know how to show it properly, and it was because she was not shown it by her own parents the manner that she needed to see it. I know this by her manner of speaking about her own youth, and most of what she says is laden with the energy of discipline as being my grandparents’ ability to love all of their children.
While discipline is a form of Love, it cannot be the only form, because if it is, it will be the only kind that is correct, recognizable and even acceptable.
Think about it.
Love, whether you want to think so or not, is very black and white
What I mean by this is that we know when the measure of love that we need is being given to us or withheld from us. What we do not know is the reason why, but, based on how we were each raised will be the way that we form the opinion that will also form the habit which typically happens that represents the energy that we have been presented with as or not as “Love.”
We are rarely truly clear on things. We don’t want other people to hurt, and we also do not want to hurt. We try so very hard to not hurt them by censoring ourselves when we think we need to, and then when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, and we are each in that mode of guardedness, we find ourselves right back at square one, right back to that place where there is confusion, where there is miscommunication, where the hurt is contained.
We also and dearly, the very each of us, cannot believe that anyone else truly and absolutely Loves us. After we have confirmation of this one thing, lots of folks try to find a flaw in it, try to find where it is that we are going to screw things up, where they might not love us anymore because they found out that we are not perfect, that we are merely humans, and that truly, we are as much an imperfect creature as anyone else would be. When it is truly that other people are seeing us, and we are seeing them through the eyes of Love, we are able, NOT to look past the things intentionally done to cause harm, but, instead, to see the truth of them in black and white.
And indeed..inherently and embedded in all Human Beings is this capacity to Love, in black and white, without any bullshit. This is when it is the real thing.
The Truth of Others, in black and white
Our perception of others is based on the things that we have experienced with them, through them.
When we feel a little bit of reservation about people (which, make no mistake, we always do all the time, where strangers and those who have hurt us in the past are concerned), we are, without realizing so, prompting ourselves to seek further answers, to look for a different truth that matches what it is that we are believing.
When we cannot make sense of the truth that we are experiencing (and not one of us has the right to call someone else’s truth about themselves or their experiences “wrong” just because it is not the same as ours is…please – keep reading…) and we are not able to grasp why it is that we are going through something, you can bet that the black and white energy of that situation is going to make itself known to you. This is not my rule. This is the rule of reciprocation, the rule that could be thought of as a transaction, like when you go to the grocery store and you exchange money for goods.
It is this same sort of energy tangibly, but different, because the exchange is ethereal energy rather than tangible things.
That is also where we end up a little bit confused – the idea that we are able to exchange energies, even across great distances. We are able to hone in on the truth of others, if it is that we are particularly close to those others. It is not something that can be avoided, really, if it is that we are that close in energies. It is actually a gift, our abilities towards knowing when those within our Hanai Ohana are hurting, are in turmoil, are in need of some sort of special, loving energy. This output of energies is also the thing that we can learn to utilize in terms of when to just maintain our distance so that our loved ones can recharge themselves (solitude – we all need it from time to time). We all have that need – to recharge. When those closest to us request, whether they do so kindly or sharply, a need for solitude, it is wise to honor it.
It is wise to honor their need in that time for one reason – they have been black and white, most likely, and most likely when they have not been, it is because they do not realize that this is their desire. In black and white terms, we all are in need of this sort of thing, and when we are not given this we lash out and we make things difficult, but mostly for ourselves where they are concerned.
What is also black and white but not quite something that we think about in terms of other people, is the sensations bodily that we feel when we are not sure of the answers that someone else is giving us in terms of who they are in relation to us and our energies. This is when what comes out of our mouth might or might not be believable, and it is not them perceiving what we are saying incorrectly, but our own cue as to us having to learn to discern what is our energy versus what is someone else’s.
When we are particularly close to one other person, as is the case between myself and my other half, it can be confusing in that we cannot discern between what is our own versus what is the others’ and sometimes, it is neither. Sometimes, the things that we feel and sense are the cues coming from the ether, from that place in the cosmos that reaches into our psyche and shows us what we are made of. It is that place that tells us when we are in need of repair, or in need of repairing something that we have done that caused damage to another person. It is within our own symbolism of the visions that we all end up having, the very ones that look like a memory that we would rather not look at again which holds the key to healing that part of our selves, and ultimately our lives. Without this sort of awareness, we float in the sea of confusion until we have created a means by which we are able to, through our own symbolism, understand what it is that we are receiving as a message from the Universe.
Usually the messages from the Universe, while they might scare us, they serve a purpose. That purpose is, through a process of thought born in the brain (and in the case of ANY human female – it is called Critical Thinking…bear it, ladies – we are not biologically able to think in a logical manner. We are emotional beings. Prove me wrong….but I am betting you won’t be able…don’t get ass hurt. Just deal with it and learn about how to think critically. I’ll teach you….) and is totally our own creation, so that we can understand that Love is black and white, on all levels, and that no matter what, we are not able to change it because it has to be allowed to grow.
Once we have looked at the black and the white, we will find there inside of that energy, the truth that is there and is ours.
Truth, while it is ever changing, is also static until we have created better and more believable truths, and truths which feel good and not like we are somehow the world’s biggest fool for wanting to simply just be who we are, truthfully, in black and white….
Where is it in your own life, and in your own thoughts, that you are not practicing the black and white nature of Self-Love and Self-Care, the sort that makes each and every one of us pause for thought, and not pausing for thought of the detrimental sort (we beat the shit out of ourselves over the good opinions of other people, all the time), but pause for thought that has become the truth that we are unaware of as being our own, created through our own means and measure, and the very truth that we do not realize til right this moment that we have been living in.
Please believe your own good, black and white, loving truth about you.
And think, too, about the answer to this question – is your truth about yourself the truth, period? If it is not, can you think of what it is that would make you believe what is someone else’s worn out and outdated truth, perhaps even of the you that you once were?