There seems to be a whole lot of fighting happening going on, and none of it with other people. It is all with ourselves. We are fighting to hang onto what was, when really, all we need to do is see all of what we think we are losing in a completely different way.
I hate to lose, and I hate feeling like I am losing. I dislike very strongly the idea of going into something and having the absolute possibility that things will not go as I have planned for them to and as I am comfortable with.
That is the silly thing about learning – it is dearly uncomfortable, but there is something else to all of this learning that a whole lot of us tend not to see. We don’t see it because we are caught in a bubble of whatever it is that we want to think we are all about in terms of certain things that we do, in terms of certain things that we think we are, in terms that we, ourselves, have set as being the truth of us.
I am not saying that what it is that you are believing is the truth of you is somehow not the truth of you, but what I am saying is that we all end up with the opportunity to create a new truth for ourselves and a truth that will not only benefit us in the near future, but the truth that we create that coincides with the truth that is already there – this is where we are right now, and for the very life of us, there are a whole lot of us carbon based life forms called ‘humans being’ who just seem not able to see through the things and the matters that are somehow engulfing us with all kinds of different sorts of negative energies.
Let me tell you a story…
If there is anyone who will tell another person that there are people who can go to online college and pass, as well as they can also go to traditional on-campus college and do extremely well, it would be every person who has ever told me this about myself. I have a little confession to make – while I am already a degree holder, the degree that I hold is what is known as “non-transferable,” meaning that the credits that I have already earned cannot be transferred to the school of my choice (University of La Verne, folks…keep reading…).
When I first set out to return to behavioral science studies, I thought I had it set, and thought that there was nothing that would stand in my way in terms of earning my Doctorate.
I was wrong.
At first I was a bit dismayed, because I spent a lot of time and a lot of money on that first set of degrees. Had it been explained better to me, and had I understood what I was being told when I first started my educational soujourn, I might not be sitting here telling you all this story. What happened was startling to my own ego-self, because I’d earned enough credits to have a Bachelors in Behavioral Science.
That degree is useless in terms of transfer credits because the school I attended was a private school, and the school I wanted to go to does not honor those credits because it is public, and those credits and my credits do not get along. In fact, I have been hard pressed to find a school in California which will honor them.
Upset as I was, I knew that my heart’s greatest desire was NOT only to be called “Professor” or “Doctor” anything, but was more about the opportunity to pass on my knowledge of the way that humans being tend to behave and to have a very good understanding of it all and have enough of that understanding to be able to teach others how to use it, and teach others to use it very, very well. I knew that, based on the way that I have been taught in all areas of The Weirdness, and based on the way that my teachers of The Weirdness were very thorough in the way that they explained everything to me, I know that I will be just as stellar at it.
…even that didn’t make it any better.
I spent a few years earning those degrees, and to hear that they are basically useless for the course of study that I am now in…well, it didn’t make it any easier for me to have to think about. I spent a lot of money in loans that I am still dealing with. I spent a lot of time on my computer working toward something that really, the only thing that I was able to get out of it was, of course, a teaching credential, but, a lesson in the things that I am meant to be doing. I believe that there is a certain set of humans on this planet who were born to have to deal with many, many transitions throughout the course of our lives, and when we are transitioning, we are in a state of transformation, and in a state of death on one end, and rebirth on the other, far better end.
The way that I saw all of this going back to school thing, a few years ago, was not the way that I see it all now. The way that I saw it was that I spent a lot of time making the Dean’s list, and I spent a lot of time doing school work, and I spent a lot of time doing what I needed to do in order to make and maintain the grades that I got. It was, to say the very least, very, very easy for me to be a student. Little did I realize that in order for me to do the things that my heart desired and still desires to do, I would have to have some sort of human contact. In order to become what it is that I am now becoming – Professor, Doctor – whatever…it would likely serve me very well to be able to study how it is that those people with those titles do their job.
My point is that sometimes, where we have been in our lives is only indicative of the path we are on and is not absolute, even though our comfort requirements might want it to be just that. We don’t know what we are meant to be doing with what we have been doing for a long set of years until we are forced to not be doing it in the manner that we have always done it.
Sometimes, we are not meant to be the counselor, but rather the teacher to those who will counsel. That is sort of a big fat deal, because in that energy are the possibilities that we might come upon a discovery of some sort while in the course of doing what it is that we are meant to be doing, namely if we are very good at it. In that time, there is room for scientific discovery, room for happening upon a newer, better way of doing things that we have always done, and in that time, it will be by our hands and our efforts and level of creativity which will lead us in the charge.
I know what it feels like to feel like you have to start all over again. I am doing it now, in my own life, by starting all over again at an Associates at the local community college, and why?
Because it has to be this way
If it is not this way, it cannot be the way that it is supposed to be. The way that I am thinking and believing that this is supposed to be is that if I am to be any sort of Professor of the collegiate sort, I probably need to be in the classroom with the sort of people who I am meant to impart these things to. I cannot know them and all about them just from the manner that is what my college aged son and my high school senior daughter bring to me in terms of their friends and their associates. It has to come from me, this method of understanding the masses. Without me, I have nothing. I cannot depend on what it was that I used to do. I cannot depend only on the things that I have always done. I have to stretch myself and see beyond what it is that is materially there and I have to actively be a part of the thing that I am studying to be a part of.
With this simple and gentle realization, I have come to terms with the idea that even though it might topically feel like I have wasted a lot of time and a lot of money, the truth is that I didn’t, because the truth is also that I had to do what I did in terms of my education so that I would at least have that experience of what it was that I chose to take the easy way out through. While I was intending upon teaching back then in 2006 when I did my first degree program, it was not the sort of teaching that I truly wanted to do or am even cut out for. I had no real intention of teaching high school, and simply because I cannot relate with them in the manner that is ‘teacher and student.’ I would and do relate to them as “Grace’s mom,” and that is how that has to be. I do not relate to high school kids in any other manner than as a mom with kids in high school. Relating to people who are adults, but young adults, I can relate to, because I have been there, and really, the word “adult” is the key word here, at least for me. My daughter’s friends have their own mothers. I am not everyone’s mom, even though to that set of her friends, that is how they see me.
Again…On the other side of that is the me who can and does relate, not only with college aged people, but also with people who are my age – the professors, the other non-traditional students, and of course, those people who keep the place running efficiently. I did not realize that when I was in school the first time, that while it was that I was actually, in the soul-sense, working toward this part of my own lessons in life, I was preparing for now, where once again, I am a student.
There is a small group of people who I am very close with, and for a few of those people, I am writing this because there is nothing in what is going on right now in all of our collective lives that somehow, as sick as it might seem and as confusing as it is, is not intended toward the best, most awesome end result.
You see, we are, all of us, in some manner, teachers. We know so much about what it is that we do that we have become very stuck to the way that we have learned our trades, as well as carry them out, to the point where really, wherever it is within the scope and the boundaries of those trades, we have become the very best at what we do. I can say this confidently, and I know that there are a few of you who are reading this and who know who you are that you, as well, have this very right, even a duty, not only to live this but to know and believe it.
Given the things that are in our faces at the moment, it might seem very hard to fathom that even through all of this ugly shit we are being made to sift through, one thing remains – we still, each and all of us, have the fire within us, have the drive, and knowing you each as well as I know you, there really is not a lot that will stop any one of us from doing what we do, because we love it, because we are the best at it and most of all – there is no one else on this planet who can do what we do, just like we do.
Thing is, everything evolves, including us and everything about us, and if what we are going through and what it is that we ‘do’ stays unevolved, we will get no where near where it is that Spirit needs us to be.
I promise that, not but a few weeks ago, I was right there, right where you are, thinking that I have to start all over again.
Think of it NOT as starting over, but starting from right here…
No one tells us this – that we do not have to start over, that we can start right from here and even though things are a bit messy and perhaps even outrageously chaotic, there is no rule that you have to follow that tells any one of us that we have to start over. That is not an option for a whole lot of us. What is an option is to choose to think of it in the manner that is starting from right here, right where we each and all are and right where it is that we are being called to be creative in our manner of thinking and in our manner of doing what it is that we are supposed to do. Far be it from any one of us to think that the way that we have enclosed ourselves in the traditional does not make us just look at the other side, where things seem scary and unconventional and not doable right in this present moment.
Right in this present moment is where the seeds are, and all we have to do is nurture the seeds, and like all things that are planted, if we nurture those things and do not get in our own way by tearing apart everything to look for what could potentially go wrong, we will…not might…not maybe…but WILL realize what it is that we have been growing toward and because of all this time.
You cannot imagine that I wanted to start from scratch, but, once it was that I realized that I know my shit in terms of human behavioral patterns and how we get to be such jumblefucks, I also realized that it was NOT starting over. I realized that I am rather and only starting from right where it is that I am, which really, in terms of this one thing, is that place called “rock bottom.” And really, it is not like I have never been right here in the past, and really, this is a Karmic thing, a cosmic “do over,” and a place in time where I have been essentially given another shot at that one thing that I know that I am so very good at.
We cannot know what it is like to have to become all that we are meant to become if we are not also willing to see things from the ugly side of consciousness and take it all in, digest it all and decide which thing we will choose as a first option. I chose, like I am sure many of you will now choose, to see the things that suck right now and the things that scare the shit out of us as being the thing that is most needed. Right now it feels like you might be digging through dog shit to find the gold when really what is there are diamonds. While thinking about this might seem very messy (because it is), when the work is done, the work is done, and never will you have to deal with this without a heads up again. This is not my rule, this is just the way that the Universe works.
We are only required to do what we must to satisfy things that have to be done. Everything else is an option, yet we are not taught that way. We are taught that everything has to be done, that everything is required, that we are not supposed to stray from the things that we have been told is the truth and the only right one way. We are taught that to stray from what the world wants to see is to sin against everything decent and holy.
Whoever taught us that is wrong. We do not have to do all things the way that we are taught. We are allowed, by our birth, to do things in the manner that is the most beneficial to us and ultimately to the world around us leading to our being somehow required for change in terms of global things. When we think about the things that we have to do and we think that those things are constantly taking away from us what we have been told is the only one right way, we limit ourselves. If I believed everything that I was taught, and told, and made to believe, I might not be sitting here writing this, and I might not be doing what I need to do in order that I can teach at the college level.
This applies to the majority of us.
When we limit what it is that we think is our place in this world and we limit what we know to only being what it is to everyone else on the planet, we limit who we are. When we are willing to see past what is not there, see past what it is that we do not know will or will not work, this is when we are also growing. I have said it a million times in the past, to a lot of people, have written it in many blogs and even my books – growth hurts, but it is so worth it when we realize that all the time that we thought our lives were being taken away from us, what was really happening was that we were being shown another way to become the thing that we are, only way way better.
When we know that we are at that level in what we know personally is the highest level best, and we have people coming to us to ask us to help them, we have what are known as “the seeds of greatness.” When we have the seeds of greatness, we have to plant them somewhere, and my only thought there is that no matter where it is that you plant them, plant them now, right here, where you stand, and don’t bother with thinking that you have to start over…
…because what you are actually doing is starting from right here and right now…
I Love You all…
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