All of us, to a certain point, end up not having in our lives the things that have always been there. Most of us want to believe that those things which once served us are being taken from us when really, they are being excused from us to make room for the new and the better…
I know a whole lot, perhaps too much, about losses.
I have managed to lose a whole lot, or so it would seem. If I were asked the question of what it felt like just a short ten years ago …of what it feels like to lose everything – the house, the cars, the friends, the hula studio…the everything – I would not be sitting here writing this. Instead, I am pretty sure that I would be crying over what now can only be thought of as the equivalent of “spilled milk.”
Yes, I know – that is a very… ridiculous way…of putting it, and really, it is putting things mildly but, at the same time, there are reasons as to why it is that there are a whole lot of us on this planet who are currently going through what tangibly truly are losses, BUT – the losses cannot be really thought of as that if you can wrap your head and your human being-ness around the idea that when the Goddess needs us to make room in our lives for better things, and we are so very well inclined as creatures, not only of habit but of personal comfort level, to cling to the things that we want to believe will still serve us in every manner it is meant to (typically in the tangible manner).
The signs of these things that we want to think of as a loss (because that is what they really are…but keep reading because I also can see them as a gain, as well), come in bunches. I know that when I lost everything, it was all tied to something that I wanted to think I had but now know that I did not have, for a very long time, and that I am building now, which is trusting one other person with who I am. Who I am is sooooo not what I was living as. Who I was living as was the proverbial country club wife, complete with awesome (and some of them phony) friends with lots of money and lots of gossipy stories, a shitload of vehicles, a bigger shitload of everything else, and also…a shitload of insecurity, NOT only in the monetary and income producing sense, but, in the confidence in all of those things as well as the security that is meant to be a part of being someone’s wife. While I thought I had all of those things, the truth is that the biggest lies were the ones that I told myself.
I told myself that I needed that house, and those (most of them are gone but maybe two or three) friends, and that community (which, by the way, I still love, in a sick, mad sort of way…sort of…) and all of the trappings that came with what one could assume was living “the life.”
Yup…you bet your okole…for a while I had EVERYTHING that a person would need to have whatever it is that they could think of as being “it all.” It all became nothing to me, eventually, and eventually, I would believe that I needed more, and more because, of all things, I had to keep up, at least I thought, NOT with other women, NOT with my friends, but with the ideal that the person who I share kids with had about what it meant for his property (me) to be what could be called a “model wife and mom.” I thought for the very longest time that I was a failure at these things, and these things, really, were the things that I was primed and raised to become. So, when it was that I was told by this person, again and again, that I was an utter failure, into my life came “friends” who I now can live without – self-loathing, insecurity, and a lack of confidence.
And really, that is what he meant to do, because these were the things that were his reality. I did not realize then what I am so very well aware of right now, which is that I was the very epitome of those things and that there would not be a person alive on this planet who had the tiniest modicum of common sense who would NOT see that I was STELLAR at both. Yet, at that time, the only person whose opinion of those things…well, it was not the right person who I needed to believe it. The right person who needed to believe it was already BEING those things, and for the very life of me, I did not know then what I do know now…
What I do know now is that there is nothing in this lifetime that is the truth of me unless I make it that way. Of course, when you are being abused, you do not know what you are doing outside of trying hard to make the abuse stop. Also and included in trying to make it stop is the madness of trying to make one’s own self better in the eyes of other people so that one could and would be, hopefully, acceptable by others, namely the person who one would share kids and parenting responsibilities with. Apparently, no one told the person who I ended up imprisoned by that his definition of a model wife and mother does not grace the pages of Hustler magazine, does not like being referred to as “mine, bitch,” and who really held no kind of worth OTHER than what HE said, which was that of nothing more than a whore…really?
Of course, there were other things that I had to think about at that time, and not one of them was about who I would end up growing old with (found that person…yay me). What was happening and what I did not know then and what I do so dearly and truly know now, is that the exiting of my former life and lifestyle in the manner that it all happened and continues to happen were all meant for one thing, even though a lot of other things were also learned…
FUH-LUSSSSSSSSSSH went my life as I knew it…and with good reason and purpose
The reason, I know now, that I lost EVERYTHING that was normal and “everyday” to me is because there were newer, better, more applicable and better fitting things and people who were on their way to me, and I, on my way to them. It all came packaged in the loss of my former life, which I now can refer to as being a past life (hey…it ain’t all lived in the middle ages…) (seriously).
In order for me to know what it was like to tangibly seem to have nothing, but in the emotional and spiritual sense, have almost all of whatever “it all” could be thought of, I had to…HAD TO let go of my life as I knew it so that I could build the life that I am currently starting to live now. You see, when I say it, when I teach it, when I think it…that in order for us to have more, we have to let go of what is no longer of learning purpose to us…I mean that if we have to lose whatever might seem real to us, so that we can know what IS real, we have to lose it all….it…all…in its entirety. While there are still shards of what was in my midst, I know that as time passes, it all will go where it is meant to go, which is no where near me, because I also know that there are things and ways of being and people who, without the illusion of the void of all those things in my life, The Mother Goddess cannot…CANNOT NOT…fill the void left by the release of those things with the things and the people and the situations which will fit so much better and in more ways than only one.
It was not that I did not believe in this concept, but that I did not understand that, all along, I had been living in this manner and in this one instance, where I would lose everything in my life that made…seemed to make…sense to me, I was not losing anything, really, but rather and only gaining.
As strange as it might seem, I have come to the knowing that what I once perceived as being my losses are actually my gains.
What I lost in the tangible manner is replaceable, but what I learned about the tangible nature of things is invaluable in that I would not know who I really am if I had not lost everything. If I did not go through the loss of my very Self as a person through the marriage to a person who is so not my kind of person (and neither am I, his), I might not have the reality of the kind of person who I am or the reality of the kind of person who is right and exact in the Soul for me. I might not know that I am not country club, but more along the lines of rock n roll club. I might not know that I do not need a luxury sports car. I might not know that I do not need to be the best at anything other or more than simply being just Rox. I might not know that I am fine and good just as I am and I would certainly not know what it is like for one other person to be completely crazy about me as really and truly just me.
I would not know what it is like to care as much as I do, not only about one other person, but about my very self, because for a very, very long time, I was without the proof that I guess I needed in order to know that one thing. Not only that, I would not have become the person who I am meant to be and the person who would come into being and who is now the one who is out in the world, not hiding herself, who is being all the Kahu that she can be, and not giving one, two, or three shits about who thinks what about it…any of it. If who I am for real bothers other people so much, I know now that it is not my bother, because I am not bothered by who I am, even though I know that there are people who are. That is not mine to correct, because it might not be a mistake (and may well be keeping me from harm), and that is not mine to try to turn into something that I can accept – because whatever is someone else’s is not mine, will never be mine, sort of like my former life as an abused wife.
The reason that it all hurts, confuses us, pretty much sucks…
There is not a person alive who does not know what is loss, but there are a lot of us who do not realize that in the going with the flow of things, there is a kindness and a beauty to the pain. The pain that we feel, that we live through, that we experience is meant to teach us, to hone us, to make us brilliant by the walk through the fires of life. Yet, we don’t know this when everything that sucks is going on, because the reality is that The Mother Goddess needs for us to be distracted by the things that suck. Like all good moms want (and I promise I know this one for SURE…), The Mother Goddess wants for us all to be happily surprised. Far be it from any of our thoughts to think that just like a human mom, The Mother Goddess is NOT trying to harm us when we have to go through the things that we go through. Quite the opposite, in fact.
I never thought that I would be this happy, that I might feel so absolutely and completely free from the bounds of what other people expect of me, but I am. The beauty part of this is that, that one other person also knows that this is the truth of me because they know what it is like to be bound in that same manner. Neither of us wants the other to go through those things, so we choose, through our learned lessons from the past lives we lived apart from one another, to not make the other hurt. We each know that it is the worst thing in the world for the soul to feel like it is bound by the things that someone else…someone who is supposed to want what is best for us but really is only in it for THEIR personal and tangible gain, no matter what that gain might have looked like to them…expects.
If I were not this me, that other person would not be a reality for me, and believe it when I say that it is like night and day for me, to have nothing in this tangible world to call my own, but in my world as a soul, I am happy as it gets, because this one other person is there, making it tangibly known to me the reason why it had to be that I would go through what I have been through. The loss of what is supposed to be one of the very most important relationships in life is the lesson that I was taught about who I really am. Graduation day for the School of Loss launched me into the Doctorate program of the University of The Soul’s Dept. of Self-Love studies. This is so totally not about you being able to snag “The One,” but rather and only to let you know that you have to be The One before the entrance of The One into your life, in whatever area of life it is that you are meant to shine in for anyone else – be it an employer, a best friend, The One… as well and especially as for yourself.
When we really do love who we are, it becomes the tangible reality of ours that someone will show up to make us know that the truth by which we are opting to live is the real one because it is the one that we, ourselves, created.
…now, it is time to create the rest of that Happily Ever After for myself, my kids, the Maestro, the world as I know it is now and for real…
I Love You All !
Visit my website to book a wedding with me, book a three or five-card tarot or Hawai’ian Mana Card reading, spiritual life coaching sessions, Medicine Dance Hula, or find out about drunk hula lessons for corporate events… Read The Mana’o Blog, The Ghetto Allegory, or my personal online journal, “Just Rox 22“… follow me on Twitter…sample “Medicine Dance”… and always…live graciously and with much gratitude…aloha… ROX
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