Impatience. It is that thing that irritates us all. We are more inclined to want to believe that our impatience is because someone else made us be that way. This is not the truth. We are impatient because we know that better things await us…far better than what we are seeing to right this moment.
I will be the last person to tell anyone else that they need to be patient. I mean, I will state now that I have been known to tell others, mainly coaching clients, that it would pay off a bit if they could garner the energy that is patience. And if you think for a moment that I do not listen to myself and apply what I tell anyone who I am teaching anything, you have another thing coming, because always, before I apply anything that I am teaching, I try it out first – you cannot know if something will work or even be part of another’s healing if you, as a healer, are not personally aware of the outcome. I am one of those healers who, no matter what I am teaching anyone at all, truly knows what I am teaching people and it is because I always try before I have anyone else apply what it is that I am offering them as a method of self-healing.
However, I do have the tendency to grow into a very impatient person when it seems that things are not doing what they are supposed to be doing, and more, when it feels like I am doing a whole lot for anyone who is just NOT getting it in terms of learning. That is where I am right now, with myself, because apparently I have not yet learned to be fearless when it comes to doing things that I just would rather not do. I am like every other human being on the planet – I want things to be easier for me, and really, I have the right to want that, because I know that my whole life to this point, no matter who thinks or says what, I have had a hard time with a lot of things. My life has been a struggle. Emotionally. The thing that I know will make it be less of a struggle is what I am having a hard time with right now, even though I know…KNOW…that once it is that I do what I have to do, that struggle will be over with.
Yet, still, I am impatient and more than that, I am, in a manner that I do not understand, afraid to do this one thing. There are other options, but they are as appealing as this one thing. The difference between all those options and this one thing?
This one thing guarantees that, in the physical sense, I will be freed, permanently, from the last thing that is keeping me, at least in my opinion, from a lot more good things that are already in place. And it is fucking with my patience, everyday, and more, it will, if I do not do SOMETHING soon, begin fucking with my physical health, and hell no I don’t want that…but, there is that thing…that fear of the unknown…it is there because my whole life I have only had the instance of being told that something bad will happen if I do something as selfish as this one thing. I know I am not selfish. I know that I am not bad, but given everything already, with very few (but VERY VERY IMPORTANT) other happenings in place that have caused me to think about what is more important? My level of impatience at this moment, or the idea that doing that one thing will make things (I want to believe) a whole LOT better…because the balance, the pono, will be restored.
This is not my saying that I am always impatient. It is rather and only my saying that there are things that are …I don’t know what to call it all or describe it all as…making me want for the things that are already here, that I know are on their way to me, and all of them are great things. The thing that I believe is making me very impatient right this moment is that I know what I know, in the sixth sense kind of way, and I can see it all, feel it all, sense all of it, and every bit of it makes me giddy with excitement akin to that of a school girl.
Then there is the other side of that giddiness – the side that tells me and that inner school girl that there are still dishes to wash, beds to be made, people to see off to wherever it is that they are intended to go and to be, and all of it is going to take my working on it all, because all of it directly affects me and my life, and most of all, my level of patience, and, as well, my level of fairness in terms of what others need from me as a healer.
And really, I am very well aware of the fact that I indeed need to take a day off from other people and pay attention to me more, because none of this impatience with other people will ever go where it is meant to if I am sitting here ALWAYS doing my work in the world and never taking a break from it, even for one day. This is not my saying that I do not take breaks. It is more like me saying that it is time that I and quite possibly many others like me to start looking at ourselves and seeing there why it is that at this moment, a collective of us are brewing in a shit-pot of impatience, and a lot of us are looking at what everyone else is having materialize in their lives and the majority of us are like those kids at our own birthday parties being made to wait for a piece of cake that was made for us, because it is our day, and we are being made to wait, or so it seems, for everyone else to get theirs. When we finally get ours, we are able to drink our cake that was made for our day…through a fucking straw, which disappoints us and makes us impatient for better things…and it can go on and on like this for weeks at a time.
Sometimes, at the end of those long, dragged out weeks, and after a lot of working with people who we wouldn’t even really have much to do with if they didn’t need our help, we find ourselves drained and wanting for more of the things that as healers, we totally need, and right now, in my own life, I am aware of what it is that I need exactly, and more than that, I know very dearly and completely what it is that I no longer need and what is taking what seems like forever for those things, ways of being, situations and yes, people, to no longer be here.
And really…the ONLY thing that I continually ask is NOT when it is gonna be over with, but why it feels like whatever I was meant to learn has been learned, and that the thing that is making this drag on and on is indeed me and my fear of doing things the way that I know I should do them.
Doing things the way that I know I should do them has not been done because of one thing – I am scared to death of creating a Karmic energy that I cannot reverse.
Yet, I am not sure what I am more afraid of – that the Karma could be created through the balance that is needed, or that deep down inside of my soul I will have to live with what it is that I know that I HAD TO do, and still have to do, but the unknown part is what keeps me at bay. Being kept at bay, for someone like me – someone who actually LIKES to get things done so that they do not have to be dealt with any longer – causes me a whole LOT of impatience.
It gets tiring, in the manner that is almost like dragging a dead weight behind me, a weight that is strapped to me with a vice grip of knots, and then I, in that vision, look down and realize that the weights are not actually tied to me, physically, but that they are tied to the belt loops on the jeans that I am wearing when I have this vision.
The thing is that indeed, I know that I could break free of this…weightedness…but the way that I have to do so could cause me to be exposed to things that, with my pants proverbially down, could really be not that great. Yes, I know…the pants down thing is temporary, but if most folks know how many times I have had to suffer the embarrassments that I have had to in the past, have had to endure with my soul exposed like it has been, you might also understand why it is that these days, there are not a lot of people who I trust when I am in the middle of this energy where it seems that my choices for gettin’ things done are…ugh…and ugh-er, and I am just as far past done with so many things that, in choosing to NOT do what I have been afraid to do for a long time…well, it seems like all I am really doing is running in circles that have only purpose in terms of keeping me at bay longer.
Running in circles, the only thing we get is dizzy
Sometimes, I know that I feel like the only thing that I am doing is running around, again and again, in circle after circle, only to end up right here, like I am right now, feeling like this is it for me…the grand un-pleasurable experience that is being made to wait for things that you know are meant to be, not only the way that you want them to be, but also the very way that you have been shown, through your own visions and with the help of some deep, dear meditation, what awaits.
Yet, when does the time come when we are no longer waiting for whatever it is that we are being taught is finally learned? When does it seem as though somehow, the reason that we are running in circles is not because of anything other than being scared that what we do will cause things to become harder in the long run for us.
We could end up very dizzy, and not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense, and when that happens there are so many ways, due to the energies that we emit, that in our thoughts there will be the one thing that we ignore, the one thing that we know we have to do, and the one thing that we have to trust, even though we cannot call what will happen should we do what we know we ought to and want to, is ourselves. Instead, we trust the karmic return on what we know we needed as being stronger than the reason that we know we need what it is that we need, what it is that we know is making us impatient and most of all, what it is that is making us so not be who we really are.
Impatience with a situation will certainly make a person not be their best highest selves
Perhaps I am here today having the biggest, yet quietest, tantrum that I have had in a very long time, but to say the very least, I believe that once in a while, we are all permitted, even expected, to have them. I am frustrated, really, with the idea that maybe what I am dealing with is NOT only the physical reality, but more like maybe something on the other side of the veil perhaps is playing with me, daring me to do things and fail in my trying to not do things the way that I have done in the past, because in the past things were done without a lot of thought, without a lot of concern for things that could happen.
So, I suppose today’s blog is more like me telling you that when it comes to things that we know we need, things like patience, things that will make things better for everyone involved, and we know that this is the truth, and the thing that stops us in our tracks is something that we also know is the truth, it is of tantamount importance that we weigh what means more to us.
I am not one who does not know what is and is not important to me or my life. Yet, it is the unknown part of all of this, the outcome, essentially, which, on one end it is needed because in doing what I need to do, what I want to do, what I may well have to do, it will cause more than only myself to be at peace and to live at a level that I am meant to. On the other hand, I also know that this is a lesson in no longer fearing what I should not, which is the power that I have been gifted with to make things pono.
I would like to know about some of your own experiences with impatience and feeling the weight of a decision that must be made in the manner that you know it has to be, and then going ahead and making the right decision for everyone involved. Feel free to comment…just be nice when you do
As far as this choice I have to make?
I’ll let you all know next week when I write the next post of #TheManaoBlog
Until then….I LOVE YOU ALL !