“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. It’s just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head…” (… Metallica’s “Enter, Sandman“)
To be what I am these days…a healer… is somewhat, at least in my life and in my mind, something that could be called somewhat of a miracle. The reason that I can say this is because it took me a very long time to get past all of the things that I grew up learning as a Preacher’s kid. There has always been a very real, very dearly permeating belief in our society that unless you follow one mainstream belief or another, you are either a fake, or you are soul-less, or, my favorite, you are an evil demonic entity and will end up going straight to hell when you pass from this lifetime and into the next.
This line of thinking comes from a place of fear. If I had to break it down some so that it could make a little more sense, I would have to state that the reason that so many people fear the idea that what I believe is wrong is mainly so that, in some cases, the ones who are saying that what I do is wrong does not have to be wrong – and hell yes, this is wrong thinking. Fear motivates us to do things, things that make us feel safer, but in doing so, what we are really doing is keeping ourselves motivated to keep up the madness of being afraid of something that we cannot call the outcome for. This could apply to anything at all. Some people laugh at what I call my irrational fear of spiders, but it is not really a spider, per se, that I fear, but is instead my not knowing what kind of spiders would be able to take me out of this lifetime with one little bite anywhere on my person.
So, let’s take the spider and turn the spider into something that is in my life right now that is scaring the crap out of me. There is something that I MUST do within the next few weeks, because if I don’t do it, the reality is that I am GOING TO have to face more of this …garbage… that I have been choosing to deal with all this time rather than doing the thing that should already have been done, and it dawned upon me yesterday that the reason that I have stalled all this time has to do with fear.
My experience with this particular fear is that it is real, it has been there for two and a half decades, and while it is that, on the top of things I have always known that there is one thing that I have to do in order that everything else which this one thing hinges on can happen. Imagine being in line somewhere to do something very cool, and you get to the front of the line, and there, right in your face is the biggest little spider you have ever seen. The web stretches from one wall to another, and the only way through the web and onto the other side of the line where the fun is is literally to step through the web.
Note that I wrote that the spider is little, meaning that once we get to the front of the line, we can elect to kill the spider and this would not only let us through to the other side where we have waited patiently to be for a long time, but it has the potential to allow others to do the same in following suit and squishing the spider, or, at the very little least, knocking him out of his web or tearing his web down so that you can at least buy time and get to the other side. As easy as this sounds, for people who are not that crazy about spiders, this would be the very most fear-inducing, terrifying thing to have to do. In this same manner we humans do everything within our power to not have to change things about ourselves so that things that are outside of ourselves and things which we really have no control over can also and at least begin to show us other parts of it so that maybe, just maybe, if we cannot get over our fears, we can at least get through them enough to get to the other side of them, even if it is not all the way.
Our lessons in life are based on what I have been told and makes a whole lot of sense to me- our fears. Whatever it is that we do not want to face and which will help to get us further along on our Path has nothing to do with the physical and outside representation of what we symbolize our fear as. What we fear is not outside of us, but inside, and inside is where we also feel the most terror from those things. I had a terrific fear of not belonging, of not fitting in, and mostly, not only of not being accepted but more, NOT being rejected, by my family, and these ugly things happened over and over throughout the course of my lifetime. It took me a few of these last couple of days to face the fact that I am not going to “fit in” everywhere. In Hawai’ian families, it seems that this is unheard of, but the more that I have taken a step back and looked at it, I realize now that it has not one thing to do with what I have been told all of my life, because if what I have been told all of my life was the truth of all of us, I would not be sitting here telling you all that “family” is a universal term and applies to anyone at all. It is not just a Hawai’ian thing, because if this were truth I would not have felt so rejected and unloved by MANY people in my family, at least one side of it, and more, I would not have had to deal with the weight of their rejection.
I had to face the fear of not belonging, and when I started to do that, I found out that it was not they who were wrong in anything other than being horrible to me. I was who was being wrong in assuming that family is only blood and that no matter what, while it might be true that they love us, they don’t always like us.
Family, as I have proved to myself, is not always what they appear to be, and really, we, as humans, have the ability and even the right and privilege to create our own family from the group of people who we share the most in common with – our friends. It took me some time to change my rigid thoughts about this, change how and what I took as being the only truth about family, and thought about all the things that being a family entails. When I looked at it that way, I figured out one thing, and that one thing is that no matter where any of us is on this planet, no matter what, Spirit ALWAYS gives us people to share with, to be with, to love and to live with, and lots of times, there is no blood between us, only love.
It is stated that only love can kill the demons, and this is the truth, because really, the other side of being lonely is being able to stand alone in our power. When we stand alone in our power, things are limitless, life is beautiful, and nothing but truth remains, and sometimes, when this happens, the thing that remains is what needs to no longer be present in our lives in the very manner that those things are present in our lives at this time. If we can see the things that scare the hell out of us as a learning tool and not as the monster that we have been feeding with our fears all this time, and we take into consideration how long it is that we have been feeding this monster with our insecurities, we would be able to also take apart the monster and see why it is that it has been controlling one or more parts of who we are for far too many years already.
Thing is…what we don’t think or believe is really broken within us, we also do not bother to do anything about, and this is the thing that not a lot of us think about when we are stuck in an energy of fear that has weighted us down for possibly very very many years. We are so inclined to adjust ourselves to accommodate the fears rather than take a few minutes to think about things and take a few more minutes to think more about what would really happen if we were, instead of accommodating that fear, more willing to change what that fear means to us.
What my current fear means to me is that I have to learn to face something that is about me, but is not contained within me only, and I have to face the proverbial dragon, because in doing so, I release me from the many years of trying hard to accommodate it without also realizing until yesterday that it has been nestled in the accommodation of this fear that has allowed it to become what it is now.
What it is now is not more than merely an impediment, but, as impediments go, sometimes the changes of them are big and life changing (which this already has the energy of the life changing aspect of it even as I write this), and what may well be the fear within the fear is that we do not want to have to stretch to those life changes. One of those life changes is being able to stare down our own dragons, no matter how we have to do that, in order that our life’s mission can be seen to. In my own case, it is not the release, only, of certain people in my life, but more, their energies of wanting to control. And really, it is not really a release where I have to make them leave my life forever (okay, so one is, but who is counting?), but more a release of my energy of wanting them to be happy, a release of them by me, not physically, but energetically, so that they have the chance to go and learn and grow.
If they come back, fine, if not, then it is yet another thing that I must face and is meant to be this way. Period.
On the one hand, I feel a tremendous weight has been, through the releasing of certain energies which are given through certain people, lifted, even though I feel the void left there. The void is meant to be refilled by what fits better there, by what, energetically, is either exactly like my own energy, or, at the very little tiniest least, is complementary to it. Where it is that one “loss” is a release so those people can learn to grow more into their own selves, the mere thought of the other, while it will and has already started giving me the freedom which is entailed within it, is the one that scares the shit out of me the most, and for what? That’s easy… because I also fear fighting, and with this one thing I have to gear myself and my inner Warrior chick for the greatest, most emotionally heavy battle that I have ever “fought” in all of my almost 45 years traipsing the crust of the earth.
And I know that I at least have to keep this energy, the one that tells me the things that will happen if I DON’T do it. It is the things that are guaranteed to happen in my life -things that I will not like- that scare me if I don’t do it. Sometimes, namely when it comes to my fears, there are things that I really would love to have my own “cake and eat it” moments, and this one thing is one of those things.
I would love nothing more than to be able to just sit back, ask for what I really would prefer to have happen, and then not worry about it, and I would ask it this way because of all of the things that I have already endured with this one thing that prompt me to realize that on an emotional level with this one thing, I am as exhausted as a person can get. I am tired of looking at it, mulling over it, trying to understand it, trying to just release it spiritually so that it can be released physically but doing so with a vice grip of what I want to happen and ONLY to happen.
Things don’t happen as we want them to – they happen as they need to, and they show up in this fashion as well – as a need that will be filled according to what we need to know we are able to do.
I have known for many years that I can actually do what it is that I know has to be done. The reason that it has to be done is not only for the actuality of this one thing, but more, because without it, I do not get past the fear I have, and without it, others within my tribal soul family may also not get what they need from me, all because of this one thing. This one thing that I have to do requires the energy of my intention to do it, which, by my own account of things that have nothing to do with this and everything to do with a belief in the power that comes from being afraid and then finally choosing to do something about it to no longer be afraid, the energy behind this choice may well be all that is needed for the thing that I actually WANT to happen. Either way, I know, deep inside of my Soul, that the thing that I HAVE TO do will somehow beget the thing that I have been waiting for since January of 2009. Not too many people know what this is, and it is with good cause…
…because they, too, know that when we choose to do one thing, it begets, as I just wrote, something else, and sometimes, that something else is the actual thing that we waited for, looked for, wanted, needed, desired, or was the dismissal of things that we chose to no longer wait for, no longer wanted, needed, desired…it works both ways and in tandem.
It is through the release of our innermost fears that allow us the greatest freedom. Releasing the fears allows us to be able to fill the void with useful energy and not heavily weighted energy.
We have to think about what we are really doing – losing, or releasing?
Think about it…
I LOVE YOU ALL !