Starting from 1

Sometimes it seems that the only thing we can do is to start over. When this happens, and keeps on happening is when we really need to consider doing things over again, if for no other reason than that we have no other alternative.

As a writer I am well aware of the tiny little bits of fear that any one of us who writes has when we are embarking on a new writing project. It is not that we are scared to write, but that we do not know what to write. Indeed, a clean sheet of paper is both beautiful and scary all at one time. No one I know who is also a writer will tell me or anyone else that I am wrong about this. The fact of the matter is that our words are like our kids, and because we care about them so dearly, what ends up on that paper matters a whole lot. Like our kids we want to dress up our words so that people will take notice, will bother to read them more than one time and most of all, will love what those words say.

But I am not talking about the words, or the sheet of paper in terms of writing. I am using it as an example to make clear to anyone reading this that just like I will delete, tear up, incinerate anything that does not meet what standards I have for just about anything, I will also look at what is in front of me exactly as it is and see there only that only one of two things can happen with that mess or those words – I can either fix it and hopefully save what is there and build on to it, or, I can start over.

The hardest thing to do sometimes is to just begin again

No one likes starting over again, because starting over again means that somewhere along the lines we skipped a step. This is only partially true, and is only partially true because for the most part all beings like second chances.  When the do over hurts, though, and when we are hesitant to start is when we also know that we really would benefit from the change.

Humans, we do not like change, at all, and this dislike for something that is always going to happen is the reason that so many of us seem to be stuck on pause for a lot of the time. It isn’t that this is the truth. It is that we are paying attention more to what others are having come into their lives that causes us to look at our own and see what is not there rather than what is so there and blatantly so.  I say and write much about the nature of relationship, about how it is that we need dearly to be very clear when stating our own needs, not only to others, but our selves.

Yep – you read it correctly. There are a lot of us who are still more inclined to do for others that which we would not even do for ourselves. And we are doing this stuff for people who also would never do this same thing for us. We wonder more than we do not about why it is that we hurt so badly, and part of the reason is that we have overextended ourselves on behalf of other people. We are so worried what other people think of us, think of who we are, that we are not worried about what we think of us. There comes a time in our lives, more than one time, really, where we are given options and none of the options are good ones. This is when I liken our lives to a brand new sheet of paper.

A brand new sheet of paper upon which to begin authoring a brand new story called “Life”

Let’s not kid ourselves – sometimes, life just sucks, and it is then when it sucks that we have to decide if we are okay with it sucking so badly. If we are fine with what goes on, again and again, and we are okay with the absolute insanity that is doing things over and over again for nothing to change, then this writing is not for you. In fact, if it is that you find yourselves doing and saying and seeing and hearing the same things, over and over again, it is not only that you and other people are already pau hana with it, but that even your Guides are coming to you through others to make it known to you that you have gotta start paying attention to what you think of your life.

If you don’t pay attention to what is not that great in your life, you will not know what is really great in your life, and not about others, but about you. If you don’t take the time to do for yourself as much as you are willing to do for other people, you will be robbing yourselves of what it is that we all so badly need. What we need are things like being able to handle being let down, just like we need to be able to handle NOT being let down. (Yes – NOT being let down). We need to be able to deal with people not liking us or wanting to spend time with us, and more than that, we need to be able to deal with them wanting to do both! If we are not able to deal with the uglies in life, how the hell are we going to be able to deal with things when they are not so ugly? The reason I ask?

Dealing with the ugliness of life

You may find it difficult to fathom, but we humans have a tougher time with the afterward part of the niceness of life. This means that there are a lot of us who, for a long time now, have had the luck of nothing but niceness. After a long time of nothing but niceness, and after a long time of our only being met with that niceness, we get used to ONLY the niceness. It is when the niceness takes a turn and things begin to get ugly that we see how it would have served us to just go through whatever it was that hurt us at the time that it was hurting us. We are so prone to the rose-colored life, so much more open to it than we are to the reality of dealing with equally balanced niceness and ugliness, that we actually take away from our own selves the ability to maintain balance.

We are born with the ability to cope, but are not born with the experiences it will take for us to be able to cope.  I am brought to the thought of kids who are given too much, too soon, who are never told “no,” and whose parents cannot cope with the spoiled children they now feel compelled to complain about. I am brought to the thought of people who, when they have been handed everything in their lives, either by parents or others who are just too inclined to NOT deal with a child having a snit right now, or because said children would bully people to get what they want from others, and am brought to this thought because I know a whole lot about the nature of bullies. I was bullied a lot.

The one thing that remains to be truth and fact about a bully is that a bully stops at nothing, not even physical assault, to get their way. The worst sort of bully is the sort who will grow up and become a bully who refuses to see things any other way than their own. By this I mean that throughout history, the biggest bullies were the very ones who held so much perceived power that once it was that they’d been shown, by their own hand even, that they were not all they thought themselves to be, it becomes ugly. This is where most domestic violence starts – when the attacker has placed themselves so high upon their own pedestal that when the day comes and their victim finally stands up and starts to live their life as a survivor. I know this animal, quite well and not happily so. It is the fear of inadequacy that most abusers do not deal with, because ALL abusers seem to believe that they are above a whole lot, but the one thing they think they are is above reproach, that they are somehow not prone to being corrected when they are wrong.

It is not most of the time that these types are wrong, but ALL of the time.  Yet they rarely ever know this and it is not only because no one tells them that they are wrong, but that they do not know how to be wrong and how to cope with it at the same time. MANY people on this planet are JUST like this. I know it personally, because I was forced to be this and was so forced by someone who took it for granted that a ridiculous piece of paper with their last name attached to my first name somehow and suddenly made me like a pet who must obey. I was bullied with everything this man could bully me with.

Then one day I figured that it was all up to me and that I had to make a choice between continuing to believe what was his truth of me and according to him, or THE truth that I knew to be all mine and solely created by me. I had to take the option to live my way or to ingest a whole bottle of his pain medication. I had to choose to save me and to let him suffer the injustices set out by him at me but that ended up affecting him more than it will ever affect me, ever again.

It can’t, because I know my truth. It can’t, because I have been confirmed of my truth by others. It can’t, because I won’t let it, and it can’t, simply because I have already set out on the path of this part of my life, and he is nowhere or anywhere in it. At all. At least not in the manner that he was to begin with.  Does he “get it?” Probably not. The real question should be, “How much do you care, Rox, if he gets it?” The only answer is “not a lot, if at all,” and it is NOT only because of one particularly way gnarly cool thing which I am calling a very important milestone in my life that happened about a month ago (completely goo here, folks lol), but also because I am the creator of my life. No one else has that ability and neither the capacity to build my life for me.  No one knows me like I know me.

No one knows how I personally deal with crisis, just like I am not privy to know how other people deal with it.  It is not my purpose on this planet to judge others, to tell them how they need to do things my way or that they need to only pay attention to being nice and wonderful to everyone. It is my shared purpose to let people, singularly and in communities, know that things that are not of the highest energy are more easily gone away than is the hard fight that it will take in order to raise us, collectively, to a place where things just seem to be what they are meant to be and not what they stagnate as being. It is yet another shared purpose, of which I have many and with many different types of people, of mine to become the example of what it means to be someone’s other half, to be someone’s best friend and confidante, to be the one person who anyone at all can rely on, if for anything at all, for the truth. It is my shared purpose with other women like me, to embark out into the wild world, to set the standard of what it is that we, as humans and the bearers of generations to come, should aspire to. It is my purpose, on my own, yet so not alone, to be the prime example of that which can be called Unconditional Love.

I would know none of these things had I not experienced the nastiness that was my life, a life which came rife with hurt, with people walking all over me, with things that broke me, that shattered my heart and made me hurt all the way down to the very bones of the soul within me. Had I not chosen to go headlong into the fracas of pain, every time I chose to, I would not be able to tell anyone that indeed, there is always another side.

We just have to be willing to walk over the hot coals of emotional pain, through the icy coldness of rejection, through the tumultuous nature of other people, period.

It is our willingness, not to suffer, but to learn, that makes it so that we have a chance, again and again, to Start from 1.

Yes…a chance, toward greatness, toward healing and most of all, toward love and peace within.



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