There is a lingering collective belief that the loneliness that we each feel must mean that we are supposed to be alone…
I am shocked at how many times in a day I get an email, normally from a middle-aged woman, who wants to know why it is that she cannot seem to hold on to a man – any man. When I reply to them with the reason, most of them don’t like my answer. Most of the time, my answer is the same – it is a question, and that question is “why do you believe that?”
The things that I am told that I can repeat here simply astound me. It hurts my eyes to read, over and over and over again, that basically, we believe that we are not good enough to be loved by just one person, let alone everyone else in our lives. And we wonder why it is that we have such an issue with what we look like…duh…because we have been conditioned for a long time to believe that the most beautiful ones among us are who get the best mates, and we believe that the only thing that matters to any man is what we look like. That is not giving anyone any credit for being anything other than another biological creature. Of course, looks do count, but they are not everything. And furthermore – STOP LYING about looks not counting. You are a biological creature even as you are a thinking and reasoning human being…looks COUNT!
First of all, I have a problem with a person who tells me that looks don’t count. It makes me wonder how it is that the person who will say this will also look at themselves in the mirror and live with that lie everyday. Of COURSE it matters…what, are you one of those people who will even lie to yourself and say to you that you walk up to people and tell them that you wanna talk to them to see what kind of personality they have? You can take that and stick it where the sun does not shine…seriously.
ANYway…the thing that prompted me to write about this today was an email that I had received, after I had talked with Dannie about this very thing that I am writing about right now.
This very thing
The very thing that I am writing about is that feeling of loneliness that seems to strike us right out of the blue. You know it well – it is that feeling that somehow you are not whole on your own, that there is someone out there who you will find and that they will make you whole.
No, they will not make you whole – the wholeness comes from having found one another and from doing for you what you should. I am talking about when it is that it seems like you are so unbearably lonely that somehow the Mother Goddess wanted You to be the one child who is that person who is sorta the wallflower, the one who waits on the sidelines while watching his or her friends and siblings laughing and having a great time with the one who they love.
I promise you right now that the weirdness about that lonely feeling is that it is not really a completely lonely feeling but it is a very heavy one – almost like you are missing a piece of you, and some of us are not even attached to anyone and have not been for a long while. The reason I bring that up is because those of us who can deal with the oneness of being by one’s self – we know that there is someone out there who is right for us. We also know that we are able to make the choice of what is right for us and what is not, and when we feel like that…that lonely feeling that is not loneliness for real…it, no matter how it feels, is not a bad thing.
In fact, once you read about why I would say something like that you are going to find out that for real…it is a really, really COOL thing!
Somewhere, out there…
Think about the last time you really thought about being alone versus being lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind, while being alone is a choice and a state of being. I have been lonely, but right now I choose to be alone. It is a lot easier to deal with things when there is nothing but all kinds of things that need to be seen to.
However, there is also that place that all humans come to in life and that place is not a fun place to be. It is when we feel like we will never be anything but alone, and not by choice, when the loneliness sets in. Whether you believe me or not, it is actually a very good thing to feel that way, as long as you are also willing to believe that when you feel that way it is your soul telling you that there is work to be done, and while it is that your soul and Spirit are working together to bring you what you need, you have time to work on yourself.
Remember the distractions that I keep writing about? Self work is one such distraction. This is when we have the absoluteness of who we are at that moment and can pinpoint exactly where it is, through questioning ourselves, that we feel the loneliest at. Lots of times we humans will defer to the idea that we need someone in our bed with us at night. While that is a nice thing to have, it doesn’t always stay nice and it is in those times when we feel this way that we have to remember that we are doing work on ourselves.
The reason that I emphasize working on ourselves is because when it comes to having one person in our lives who we can depend on to be there to support us, we have to know what it is that we want out of them. We cannot just be wanting to get down and dirty with someone, because that really does leave us wanting for something more and something that is real. If we do not know what it is that we want for real and if we are not ready to face our own dragons on our own, then how on earth is it that we can expect to keep someone else happy if we are not able to keep US happy?
Inner work is something that is ugly and harsh, because we have to be willing to see who we are for real, because who we are for real is not someone who needs to be hurt more, not someone who needs to forget about us! This is why a whole lot of different kinds of relationships just do not work – because we, as humans who are not willing to work on ourselves in order that we can be at our best when the time comes for anyone at all to enter into our lives are also not willing to see through any eyes that are anyone else’s but ours. We can see who we are, and we can love who we are, but this does not mean that everyone else will. Too often we are given to the whims of the ego which tells us that in order to be happy, we need someone else to make us happy.
I mean really….do you want to keep on giving up that power to other people?
The inner work
The inner work is what we deny. We deny it because we don’t like to think that we are anything other than fine as we are. We are, but if we want to have people in our lives, we have to be willing to work on us FOR us. We cannot keep walking the planet with the expectation that people will love us just because we are people, just because we are us. That is such a crock of crap that to believe it …well, if you believe that you are perfect like you are, take a look around you and see if there are other people there with you who do not feel like they have to be there.
There is nothing quite more maddening than to believe that we are perfect, because then we have to keep up with that model of perfection that someone else set for us. The inner work that I am writing about is not about other people – it is about ourselves. If we care more from our soul about ourselves, then we will care, too, about the people who we draw to our lives. If the people who we draw to our lives are not the sort of people who we would want to spend a significant amount of time with, in a group or alone, and we mirror each other, and we don’t like what it is that we see in those other people, then damned skippy there needs to be some working on the self before the entrance of …well, just keep reading haha…
You wouldn’t NOT get your hair done for prom or for a wedding, would you?
No, you wouldn’t. In fact, you would be neurotic about not having hair that is just not right. Using this example for the thing that I am leaving for last, I will say that when it comes to things in our lives that mark other things happening, no one wants to be unprepared for it, in any manner at all. It would be like watching a bride walk down the aisle with curlers in her hair. It would be like looking at a prom picture and seeing that the young couple has no bow tie and no shoes on. It would, to say the very least, be quite awkward to be horribly unprepared for one of the most important days in your life.
In that same manner then, we see that our own compulsion toward being unprepared is what takes us by surprise when in reality it shouldn’t. We know when we are not ready for something, know when we cannot handle the responsibility that comes with being with other people. We know that we have the tendency toward awkwardness when it comes to getting out in the world to meet new people. That is all fine and good, but there are other things involved when we are meeting new people.
Just like we judge them at first glance, they also judge us. Sometimes their judgment of us is harsh, and sometimes it is glowing, but all the time we should be prepared. All the time we should know how to be polite, and all the time we should already be in the mindset that is one of respect, one of behaving in a dignified manner and one that does not put people off. Unfortunately there has been a very long bout, namely with the women on the planet, at least until recently, of ignorance. The ignorance comes from having watched a whole lot of generations before ours take things too personally, take things as though the things that are being said or assumed are somehow the truth, even when we know that it is not the truth.
What we believe about ourselves is usually not our own. We have been shaped by the past, and we live there daily until, one day, we decide that we need to make friends because it is so horridly lonely not having any friends. Then one day comes along and we find that we might like to have a companion. Problem is, when we get that companion, we think they belong to us. What is worse is that a whole lot of us women have watched our mothers and our grandmothers be at the beck and call of men, have watched a whole lot of them “mom” the men in their lives. These are men, not little boys – they don’t want a mama – they want a woman in their lives, and for the life of us we, some of us, that is, still think we know better.
Here is the reason for the inner work, the reason for what you think is loneliness that is not loneliness…
…okay, so it doesn’t have to be loneliness. You can think of it in terms that are a lot nicer than that.
The reason for the inner work, and the reason that you think you are lonely is not what you think. It is not only because you should want to be the best version of you that you can conjure.
When you are out there, beneath that starry sky, all by your lone self, talking to the stars, or the Mother Goddess, or just talking, and you wish upon the stars for that one special someone – that is why you are lonely.
It is not because you are alone, but really, you have gotta believe that, once you get to a certain point in your own self’s evolution, and you start seeing to it that you are the best you that there could be, you cannot believe for one moment that Spirit would allow it so that you would not have someone there for you, someone who is perfectly as imperfect as you are, who likes the same things you do, who looks at you at your very worst and still tells you that you are the hottest thing on the planet, at least to them, do you?
That lonely feeling is not really something that no one likes to think about, but the truth is – and bear with me because this whole writing will be something that will take some thought after you have read it all – that the lonely feeling is not only a call by Spirit for you to do your inner work, but to do your inner work because whoever it is that She knows is exactly what is your heart’s most desired wish is on their way to you.
Reread that and absorb it and let it sink in because I know that it is hard to believe, but it is the truth. That lonely feeling, once you can get past the idea that you are not lovable and that Spirit wants you all to herself, is, again – after you have bothered to do the work – the clue that you need that will tell you that that one person is on their way to you, and more than that…ready for this?
…they also feel that very same way you do, have been asking Spirit for You, specifically, and have also been told, by anyone else at all, that maybe right now is the best time to work on you, because in working on you, the other person is also working on them, and when you are both ready for one another, there is not one thing on this planet that will be in the way of that. It will just be, because it already IS.
Again…working on yourself has a lot of hurt in it, make no mistake. NOT working on yourself will cause you to lose out on a lot more than you think.
Take the time to be your best….because someone, somewhere, is as lonely as you are, right this moment, and hell yeah – I will say it again…they may very well be who you are looking for, too !
I LOVE YOU ALL !
Book your nuptials early for Valentine’s Day !!