We have been taught for the entirety of our lifetimes that we have to have proof of our worthiness and lots of times we believe that it is material proof that makes us worthy or not of another’s time and heart. This is wrong. Way wrong. It isn’t material worth but more what we have in limitation.
I don’t want this to sound like I am whining, because I am doing anything but whining. This week which has passed has given me a whole lot to think about, and it isn’t like I needed more of it. I already have a whole lot to deal with, but don’t we all?
I have thought endlessly about how much importance a lot of us still place on our material worth, how much we believe that people are only interested in us because of what it is that we can give to them materially. Maybe I am a selfish twit, or perhaps I am just being one of THOSE Pisceans, but bottom line, folks – it is NOT your money, your things, your ability to bring material things to people, at least not all of us. Nope. To a lot of people it is not things that matter, but time. You see, each of us is only allotted enough time in our lifetimes to do what we have to do. Normally, the things that we have to do are NOT get up, go to work, do our daily routine only, but learn from what it is that we think we are lacking in our own lives so that we can see the truth of those things.
Where it is that we think we are saving ourselves from having to deal with the bullshit that is in front of us at this very moment, what is happening in reality is that we are being given, again, that one pain in the ass lesson that we are just refusing to learn, or more, refusing to give time to, because in our own thoughts, it just isn’t important enough to us. Never mind that it might be important to someone else, never mind that we know what it is that we have to do – if we are not comfortable, we are just not going to budge.
Lemme tell you something about the idea of not budging – it does not work. If you choose to sit in the miry goo of what it is that is in front of you, is in your face, is making you do things to avoid having to face it, you will have to go through it over and over again. I say it all the time, but some folks just want to avoid it. I am one of those folks, I will admit, but at the same time I would rather try harder to face it, to deal with it, to not run from it. I would rather put forth the effort to get through it rather than get around it. In that effort there is something else that is far more important than throwing material things at people – that one thing is time.
Time, like effort, is priceless
I hear myself say it at least one time a day, everyday, to at least one person. I said it to someone this morning, and all they did was stomp off. I am not sure that they are even thinking about the things that I said, but I am sure that they have no idea the immediacy of what it is that needs to be done, the pressing nature of their spending their time with people, even people they would rather not, because unless they spend that time, the thing that any one of us truly wants is NOT going to happen and will not happen for one reason – we didn’t take the time.
When we choose to avoid a situation, and we are not willing to look at things from the thought in our head that is empathetic, that is having some semblance of realizing that what we are doing might be saving our own selves is taking away from someone else, and that someone else may well be a very important someone else in our lives. In my case, those very important people call me “Mom.”
Yes, I know…they are not meant to stay with us forever, but when the shit hits the fan one might assume that they come out of that thought that tells them that their time does not matter to us, and it really does, especially when it is that their time seems to be more importantly spent with people who are not us. I am not talking about a boyfriend or a girlfriend, because we all know how fleeting that is when people are not old enough to have had the lunations in their lives to know who they are for real. I am talking about the idea that what they do and give to other people – that is important to us, the parents, as well.
When you come from where I came from, and you have always had to fight with people just to hear them tell you, so that you can hear it, that you are important to them (because it is nice to hear) and when it is that you ask anyone at all, when it comes down to the very part of the story where you and anyone else is going back and forth about things, and you have, because it is your duty to, given until it hurts, sometimes literally, pardon my saying so – but hell yes… a person totally expects that that very same energy be returned in some manner that is not anyone else telling us that while we are right, they are more right.
It is not about who is more right, who has done more, what anyone else needs to do for themselves. It is about striking a good balance so that people and their feelings do not get hurt. It is about not hurting someone else by not giving them what it is that we are so willing to give other people. We can use the excuse that things are too negative, that we don’t want to deal with that energy, but what no one seems to get is that very same energy stays until we face it. When I say “face it” I DO NOT mean getting in someone else’s face and blaming them for how we feel.
I mean that we look our own specific dragon in the eyes and ask it why it is that we are compelled to not deal with it, not tame it or at the very little least, not just back off of us every now and then. I mean that we take the time for someone else, even as we are unwittingly taking the time for ourselves to fortify our own lives with that facing of our dragons presented to us by other people. We would rather run the other way rather than take the time out to hurt a little, to get a little upset, just so that we can sit in that energy that is someone else’s and that we do not want to face.
Hell yes, it takes time, effort, heart and soul to own up to it when we hurt other people. It takes all these things, too, when we , ourselves, hurt. It takes a lot of heart, a lot of soul, and a whole hell of a lot of balls to deal with the things that we do not want to. We might think it is a futile waste of time to have to deal with other peoples’ drama. We might believe that we did not create the drama, and therefore we also do not have to deal with it. But deal with it, eventually, we must. Just because we are not present, physically, when the drama ensues, it does not mean that the drama has nothing to do with us.
In fact, whether we are there or not – it does not dawn on us that we might actually BE the reason for the drama, and that our taking the time, putting forth the effort and giving a little bit of our selves and our souls to that drama might just exactly be what needs to happen. We cannot ever know what is in store for us and that we totally need in order to move to the next level of things if we are not willing, let alone think we are able, to do so. I know that I say much about doing for one’s self, and really, that is what I am doing now, too. We want things to be different, but are more willing to wait for them to be that way, leaving things to manifest on their own. We don’t realize that things we want are always in manifest, but when we take the time to ignore the dragon sitting in our face and who is now patiently waiting for us to call it out so that it can be tamed, we really are taking away from no one else but ourselves.
Yeah yeah…I have no place to talk…but talk I will
I may be a sinner in the church of running away from things I don’t want to deal with, but all of us, at one point in our lives gets tired of running, gets tired of things just happening the same way, over and over again. Eventually and one day, while we are not looking for it to happen, it happens – that old dragon catches us and does not eat us. In fact it holds us up so that we can see ourselves, and it tells us that all that time we ran that all we needed to do was take the time and make the effort to tame it, to own it and to make it our own so that the next time another ugly thing seems to want to chase us down and eat us, we will know for sure that we can do like we did with the dragon that did not eat us.
I am not ashamed to tell anyone that there are always going to be reasons why I will avoid things, why I will do whatever I can in order to not have to face doing something that will suck. Does this mean that I will never face those things? Absolutely not. It means that I am either just not ready for them yet, or, worse than that, I simply am too scared to have to go through what I know I will have to go through in order for me to not have to deal with it anymore.
Why might I, of all people, do this? That’s easy – because I dearly value my own time and I absolutely push forth my most heart-filled effort, namely when it is for someone else, and especially when that someone else has hurt me. I have issues with self-worth when it comes to others, when it comes to my needing a receipt for proof that I am worthy of their time, of their love and of space in their lives. My thought and my ego’s thought, too, are that if I am able and willing to give those things to anyone that I need to also be as important. And hell yes I want proof. I want people to do as much for me as I am willing to do for them and on behalf of them. Yeah yeah…I know…can’t expect shit outta anyone.
But I do. And it hurts. And I want it to be different, but I cannot change anyone, ever.
Yet there is still that part of me that says I am good enough for the time that should already have been spent, just taking the time to help me, to NOT ask me if I need anything and then just bail out, like always. I have ALWAYS had abandonment issues, and it is totally because I have been emotionally abandoned and left to fend for myself since I was a child. This is why time is such a dear commodity for me – because to this day it is the only thing that I can offer people, because I really haven’t much else TO give anyone. Hell yes it would be way easier to be able to throw some money at a problem, hope that it goes away, and when it doesn’t, be there wondering why and knowing that at least I have at least the means to at least go somewhere myself, just to get away.
But here I sit, thinking and sitting on this pain, and not because of what was said this morning, but because I know that every minute that I spend on someone else is also a minute that I spend that I do not get to have back. This is the thing about humans – and it is really very sad, but the truth is that rarely do we realize the weight of the thing that someone else so dearly needed until it comes to us and we realize at that moment that what we did NOT do on behalf of not only someone else, but our very selves, has come to meet and stare at us like the proverbial dragon we keep running from.
Time. Effort. These two things are things that are finite and these are things that we give freely to people, and sometimes we end up hurting other people who we don’t mean to hurt in the process, and it is a process that we have decided that their sacrifice of their time with us is a good things and a given, because we think it is. We do not think about the things that other people go through, and we are more inclined to save our f*cking selves, which is what we are supposed to do, but at the same time we are also supposed to strike a balance.
In this case, there is no balance. Only one person’s way, times three, and it ain’t workin’. Call me selfish- I don’t care and you are probably right. But I am right, too, in that I know that time is something that is precious, that it slips away from us and we forget that there are other people involved, that perhaps those people might want us to do something for them that they would have the choice to think about when others of us do not have that option or that luxury.
When it is that we expect other people to do things for us, and they do them, and then we have the very nerve to tell them that because of someone else, they will not be able to at least acknowledge and hang out for longer than it takes to take a dump in the morning. It hurts like all hell to listen to it, to have to accept it, to have to eat the pain it causes, and more than anything else, it hurts to think that the other person or people cannot or will not think about us when they are making the choices that they will make.
The next time that you ask anyone to do something for you, and you have the very nerve to expect that they can just give and give and give and give, shut your mouth and tell your f*cking ego to take a backseat, namely when it is that the person with whom you are having a heated exchange actually means something to you. You might learn that they don’t want anything material from you. You might find out that what they want from you really depends on how much they mean to you versus how much what you don’t want to deal with means to you. That is how I take it, always. I take it as I am not worth the time and the effort it will take, even though I do it on the daily, for someone else to believe that we mean anything at all to them, that our pain is somehow something that will be of importance to them.
While I cannot say that I expect my pain to be of importance to anyone else, really, I can say that this hurts, like a bitch even.
No big…yeah right…
I Love You All…