We are more inclined to believe what ugliness is said of anyone at all. No one likes being hated on, gossiped about, and our nasty secrets being told.
For the majority of my life I have been the target of gossip, of people saying horribly ugly things about me and spreading what may well be true, but is really only part of the truth. I have heard more horrid things about me that have not ever been confirmed as my way of being and that were said by people who do not know more about me or who or how I am these days. If I had a nickel for every ugly thing that I have heard about me that I know is being said or was being said in the most hurtful and hateful ways, I might be sitting pretty and never have to work again.
We like it when people have nice things to say about us. When people have nasty things to say about us, though, we come unglued and some of us want to settle a score in the most violent of ways that it surprises me the amount of crap that we know is not the truth, somehow circulates. We want to be loved, to be said great and awesome things about, and we want this from everyone we encounter. This is not something that is abnormal, the need for humans to feel like we belong. There is that other side, the side that we know we would rather continue to avoid because that other side is cold, lonely and no one has a thing to say about us that is positive.
I learned a long time ago that trying to gain a better edge in certain circles is fine, but that more people than not will do anything at all, even spill our nastiest stuff, just so to look better than someone else. We don’t bother asking the person about whom we spill these secrets. In fact, we don’t even bother to put our own selves into the position or ask ourselves the question, not only about how we might feel if it were us being talked about, but more importantly, if what we have heard is the very truth. While it might be the truth, before we even think to go out about our merry way, talking behind someone’s back (just because we can), my first thought is that we should engage the brain prior to working the jaws.
Some people love to gossip. It takes a long time to no longer think only about how the things that we hear and then go out and about and share might affect someone else and not how we believe that it might make us look like a more worthy person than who we talk about. Sometimes gossip is wonderful for us, not because it helps us learn the truth of us, but because it hurts us, which causes us to immediately react or respond. Reacting is what the people normally want – I know this. I was a promoter. I know the value of what can be called “good” gossip. I also know the power and the viral nature of the spreading of what is “bad” gossip. “Bad” gossip is the sort that promoters and PR people are supposed to turn into a press release, is the sort of thing that spawned the phrase “damage control.”
Yet, I am not talking about indie bands or anything musical at all. I am talking about real everyday life where we have to manage getting through the barrage of half-truths and straight up lies about us, about anyone. It is in our daily lives where we must practice to create the good truths and it has to be that we practice them NOT so that other people will have “good” truth to go spread about us, but only so that we, by our own knowing it anyway, can know and have the truth that we know IS the truth.
It takes strength to live with both sides of the truth about ourselves
Let’s think about something for a sec, shall we? Think about the last time you and someone else had a falling out, and think about the things that caused it, and think about the idea that they held onto that which they believed was their truth, and you held on to what you knew was your own and then when you thought about it later on, you realized that you were both being truthful. This does not mean that there will be no “right” or “wrong,” because remember – this is a proverbial falling out, so there is GOING TO BE one of you who is the antagonist, and the other, protagonist, and to each other, you will be either, or.
Think about it again – in EVERY situation, there usually is a right and a wrong, and in those same situations, there is also the possibility that us and the other person are both right and both wrong. The way that this works is that given in any situation that emotional output is high, namely when it comes to things that are personal, the person feeding us their vitriol may be right in that they may technically be telling the truth, and at the same time, we also might be technically telling the truth. However, the wrongness comes when we are willing to allow them to use said wrongness to make us feel badly about anything, and vice-versa.
The wrongness is when we feel like or they feel like omitting the obvious and apparent truth that is there and real and in our faces. The wrongness is when we decide that the technicalities involved in these truths are made subject to our forgetting that even as we are technically right, we might also be morally and spiritually very, very off.
As well, in every situation, as was stated above, emotions normally run very high and not because of anything other than that we humans like being right because being right makes us feel energetically better, and when we are right we ooze with an air of self-importance.
Oozing with self-importance
We humans like to feel important. If we thought back to when we were in high school and wanted to hang out with the “cool” kids, and we did all we could in order to be part of their clique, and recall, too, when we believed we were being rejected we could each see what that shows us regarding our own personal sense of worth. High school is where gossip abounds, where truths are what we make of them, and where we have no clue about what it means to be mindful of others. How can we? Here we are, all hormonally driven, all trying hard to be cool, to listen to what we know we have to do in order to graduate, and then there is the social part of it, which, at that age, IS the most important part.
If I had my way, I would make it so that these kids were taught about the importance of mindfulness. If we could teach our kids to be mindful of how other people are made to feel when we believe that we have to make them feel badly so that we can feel like we are somehow more powerful than they are, we would be able to seriously get a whole lot closer to having peace in our lives. School is not only where we learn what has to be learned in the technical sense, but is also where we learn to be who we are with other people. It is where we find out about what we like and who we want to be with. It is where the world can come to a crashing halt and the train ride on the Crazy Train can start. Unfortunately, when we are young and that train starts rollin’, if we are not taught about the reality of being hurt as well as being hurtful, then that train does not stop.
And sometimes, it runs us over.
It runs us over
Yes. I am talking about teens and their amazing ability to make more of something than anything really deserves to be. When I was in high school, a girl who I knew and always liked (because she was way cool and had way cool hair) got pregnant. I think her name was Helena. Anyhow, the reason that I recall her so well is because even though this girl was shamed, was called every bad name that a high school senior girl could be called if she got pregnant, she still was able to get through it. I did not realize then what I realized when my sister went to that same high school, and in her senior year told me about a girl who she knew who got pregnant and how everyone made it a point to make this young girl know exactly what horrid and nasty things her classmates were saying about it.
It made me think about Helena, about how she stood her ground and even though some of what was being said probably hurt her, she was determined to finish high school, walk with us during the ceremony, not caring one way or the other what people said of her. I don’t know what ever happened to Helena. I do know that her strength and her ability to do what she knew she had to, even while people were sometimes lying about her and who the father was. Helena knew the truth. Helena knew herself, even though she was but a very young person about to go through a very, very adult thing.
I think about that time in my life and think, too, about all the things that I went through that were very pressing. I think about how a lot of things were more pressing for me in my life as I got older, and I realize now that it was not that I did not believe my own truth but that I was willing to try hard to watch out that I did nothing to make someone else’s (ugly) truth about me what people saw. In that energy – the avoidance of their truth – through my deflecting and ignoring and just plain old not investigating why it was that they would say what they did, I invited that which I did not want into my life, into my life.
Live Your Truth
We cannot change Truth, even the kind that is ugly and sucks, but we can live the truth that is beautiful and is ours (like the ugly one is ours, too). When we live from our Truth we are living in the energy of the Divine. Our Truth – anyone’s Truth – is Sacred. It is Sacred to each of us. It defines who we are and makes us able to see our real selves. Without the Truth that is beautiful we can do nothing for the Truth which is less than beautiful. Other people give to us the energy that is both the beautiful as well as the Truth that needs to be transformed from ugly to beautiful. We decide what we will do with both what is their truth as well as our truth.
We cannot deny the things that are ugly about us, cannot deny what it is that other people see in us.
However, we can learn to use what is their truth about us so that we do not have to be in that energy that is the ugliness caused by the hurting that we do over the things that other people bring to us for whatever reason it is that they will choose to do or say what they will. We cannot control what other people think, say, or do. We can control ourselves and our reactions.
I must state again that I am in no way saying that everyone else who is not you is a liar. I must also state that in the truths that we wish were lies there is truth there that, like a vaccination, have contained within it the virus called pain that, like the flu, must be allowed to run its course. There is value in the going through the pain of the truth of others, promise in the idea that if we can hang with their truth, that our own truth is going to be that much sweeter when we realize and accept both truths as one whole truth applicable to who we are at the moment.
When someone presents us with their truth and it is ugly, our most common reaction is that we end up hurt by it, then mad. If we decide to take into consideration that whatever it is that anyone sees and that is alive and well within anyone else is the key to our ability to gain a better self-knowledge and a better, more positive energy for ourselves and everyone who we share our lives with.
Because I know these things, and because I also know what is the truth of me as given to me by people who used their egos and insecurity to expose mine in the most hurtful way possible (ugh…family…I love them, but that love is from a distance…I am sure that we are all better off for it. I am not for them and neither them for me…but the love is what matters) I know where it is that I need the most work. Even though the things that I have heard, have put myself through (in my own head, that is) and because I know that everything comes to an end and new things begin, it was that much easier for me to take the truth as other people saw it in me.
Whether they can see past their own damned arrogance at the idea that what they see in me also exists in them is not my pu’olo to carry, but theirs.
It is far easier for us to see in others what we believe they need to work on, than it is to realize we also have those same issues. It is way easier to judge, I suppose, what we want to call weakness in others, not realizing that the reason we can see it there is because we, ourselves, are as weak, if not weaker.
One day, the weight borne by us that is the judgment of others becomes twice as heavy for them to carry as it was for us.
And it is like this because when they pointed it out in us, we were made to carry their weight.
Now, while they do not have to carry our weight, they have to carry their own PLUS the weight of the shame they created for themselves through calling you on your “bad” truths, all while minimizing theirs.
No…really…think about it. Think about all that time that you carried all that heaviness created by the pain that you endured and survived from, and accept, right at this moment, that all along, you were right where you needed to be, eyes wide open and willing accept whatever it was that came your way.
Karma…she is a harsh teacher, and one who makes us bear the weight of the lesson through the pain that people kept sticking their fingers in.
Now they need to get said same finger out of their noses and go look in the mirror and point it at themselves…
…boogers and all…
I LOVE YOU ALL !
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