…no, really…you DON’T have to fight it out

Thinking past our own selves and our own opinions and assumptions is not easy. We expect that others will be able to relate to us from our perspective, and not their own. This is where a whole lot of misunderstanding in communication between human beings is born – from our chosen cluelessness.

We wonder sometimes why it is that we fight with others, why it is that the people who we most love are the ones who we fight with over something as small as not being able to understand or relate to what they are saying to us, either for real or with their body language. Where people like I am concerned, it is not only the spoken word and neither only the body’s language that is telling me and anyone like me the truth of a person, but also is their energy, even from a distance.

Being someone who sometimes, herself, chooses to be clueless, and for no other reason than to save myself from having to intuit the pain, sometimes effortlessly, from others, I know what it is like to be on one end of the pain, as well as the other. And pain is not easy, comes in many different forms and from many different sources. It is unavoidable.  Each of us has felt pain and each of us has caused pain. The problem is not that we have had or have caused someone else to have pain, but that once it is that it has been initiated, it is almost a sickness that every single last one of us on the planet has caused pain, and then chosen to cause more pain by choosing to fight each and every single little “ego battle” that comes our way. In reality, we do not have to choose every single one of them It is not that we can choose none of them, because without things that suck, we do not learn what does not suck.

We can choose to not fight, but that would be boring, wouldn’t it?

Yep, it’s true – we get to choose all of our own battles, and the thing about humans who are only beginning the long and dusty trek to enlightenment is that lots of us know this is the truth, but lots of us also love the fight, love the drama that comes from the fight, and most of all, because they are only starting on the path, ensure that, through manipulation, hurting another’s feelings, through any means we can think of, we would rather cut someone else down to size, not realizing that the reason we would do such a thing is because we would rather be right, would rather win, would rather do anything at all than just be kind.

Again, we see here that the most of us have been taught, have been trained, and have been raised to see our differences, and our similarities are played down. We are more inclined, because we have each been trained to scrutinize the energies of others that is not the greatest energy (their darkness, that is) and have taken on the thought as truth that in each of our lives we have to be better than someone, and if we cannot be better than someone else, we will bully them, verbally abuse them, do everything we and our arrogance and our egos tell us to do, just so that we don’t have to believe that we are less than them on some level.

We would rather fight, be right, and to hell with anyone else, as long as we are right, or at least not totally wrong. This is a mechanism of the Ego. The Ego is there to protect us, but most of the time we allow it to run amok, stomping all over the souls of others, and then when we are finished gnawing on their raw nerves, and we are over the reason that the fight ensued to being with, we have the very nerve to expect these other people to not be affected by their antics, to not be hurt by the thing that they said or did, to not be human about what we had just gone through with them and on their behalf and without our spoken permission.

How we unwittingly allow others permission to be awful to us

When we get butt hurt because someone else said something unkind and they were completely clueless about it, and we end up in a fight with them over it, this is giving them permission to our ability to control who we are. When someone else gives their opinion and their judgment about who we are, and we get hurt by it, and we dwell in that hurt, they are in control of how we feel. No, it is not easy to not let the things that other people tell us not hurt us if it is meant to hurt us. It is, however, very worthwhile to stop giving into their energy of pain and wanting to not be alone in that pain.

Think about every time you and someone else got into a tiff and how you felt when you came away from it. Some of us, when the tiff is a well placed one, come away with a feeling like a piece of us somehow is no longer there and that the person who we fought with somehow took it from us. This is also true for the other person involved, even if they are the catalyst and the reason for our having been at odds with them over anything at all.  Fighting with others over opinions, over miscommunicated words, over things misunderstood are all things that, when we reach for clarity or perhaps deeper meaning for the energy provided by these events, is draining and takes away our energy.

Seriously…the way that we allow it is to give in, not decide if the battle is worth fighting and just jump on into the fracas and let it roar! We allow these others who do this through means of our believing that what they think of us is the truth of us.  What we believe is the truth of us is within us, but also within those who we mirror and who mirror us in return. When we get angry over frivolous things and things of a nature that are not in agreement with what our own belief about anything is is when the not-fun starts.

If you fight or argue over someone else’s opinions about anything at all, or about who they are in your thoughts, and without how they might feel about it, while you might not be essentially wrong for your opinions, you are wrong for trying to impose it on someone else’s free will

Most of the time, when we are in the middle of trying to get our ego’s point across, the last thing on our minds at that time is that when we try to manipulate other people toward what is our end result, and we try hard to make them want to be a part of what we see as our own version of right versus wrong, and really, anything else, we are tampering with something that we should be more inclined to have a giant amount of respect for, simply and only because we, ourselves, would expect the same.

You have read, heard, thought, at least a million times that you would not want someone else trying hard to make you do for them without them doing for you, the things that you need, much like they need, for the furtherance of their goals and the life that they are manifesting. Maybe they are somehow a part of your life because of marriage, or maybe because of your career. Either way it doesn’t matter as much as does the idea that there is a lot of hubris, collectively, still, and that this is where a whole lot of us get things so jacked up that a lot of times it seems as though we can do nothing to repair the damages.

It is the exaggerated pride, the hubris within each and every one of us that, at least for those of us who are not willing to call themselves on it, causes us to think that we are meant to take their crap and deal with it as though it is the only crap and the only way to deal with things.  It took me a very long time to not defend what is the opinion of other people that is about me versus what is my belief about me, a lot of time to learn to be empathetic and see, or try to see, where it was that anyone else is coming from.  It takes anyone at all a whole lot of time to not defend ourselves against what other people are assuming is the truth of us.  There is not one person who I know who does not like being shown when they have done something good or right.

Conversely, I have yet to meet a human being who is willing to NOT fight with someone else, willing to not hurt another person, or willing simply and only to listen without judging them after that someone else has been found to have said something offhand. It is in that judgment of someone else where we are in error.

It is when we are meant to learn to differentiate things, that what we are taught to do is to judge people and to form a belief that is not truly our own. I recall being a little girl and hearing it said that the reason I was not in many activities other than hula was because of the person who dictated what I was meant to like but only and according to her. If that person were taught how to do more than what the adults in her life taught her (“do what I tell you to do and not what you think you want to do.”), which was to conform no matter what – it was literally that she had to do as she was told, even if she wasn’t any good at it, or else she would end up being disciplined for it.

In this manner we are taught, as children, to trust by learning what the adults in our lives tell us we should rather than what it is that our soul tells us and what our own senses tell us is the truth. If I had been allowed to follow my soul, it would not have been that I had learned how much I loved to dance until I was in middle school and then in high school when I joined the dance program. We are told what we like and what we want to do, or, rather, a majority of us were raised this way.  Seriously, the words “I don’t want to have her do anything that I myself would not want to do.” This is why there is so much fighting between people – because we are not willing to let them be who they are and we start this nonverbal teaching lessons of how to judge people nonsense from a time when humans are in the womb. It is seen in the vicariousness of the football dad, the arrogance of the cheer mom, and in the manipulative thoughts turned into words from a stage mom.

These are all examples of people in our lives when we are very young who have any kind of say so and who take control of someone else’s destiny through imposing on them their will and their likes and what they are comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be a parent. It can be anyone who is responsible in some manner for teaching us to think on our own. It is like being that kid in math who is not understanding how to figure out what is in front of them, NOT because they are stupid, but because they need to be shown another way to figure things out. My second grade teacher did this to me – she called me stupid because I couldn’t figure out how she came up with the same answer that I did. “How could it be wrong?” I recall asking her.

“It doesn’t matter! You are too stupid to do it the right way!”  These are words that no one forgets, not because they are the truth, but because they were the truth of my second grade teacher at the time who just did not realize that I could not do the math HER way. When I showed her how I came up with what I came up with, she was still so angry with me that she failed me, because “I am the teacher and I can do that if I want to.”

This same line of thinking applies when we are talking about defending what I call “Self Beliefs.”

Self- Beliefs

We can think of them as being the ultimate selfie, because it is the picture that we have in our minds of ourselves. When we are willing to fight with someone else, not only are we one another’s mirror, but we are also one another’s catalyst for checking on ourselves so that we are not prone to walking the crust of the earth like we are somehow cool when really, we are not that cool at all ! haha

Like my 2nd grade teacher did me no favors when she called me stupid, we are not doing anyone else any favors when we decide that since they are not the way that we want them to be, and that since we cannot manipulate them, that they are somehow wrong and that they are the biggest sinners in the world of all things “self.”

Our Self Beliefs are the picture that we have of ourselves that is in our thoughts and in our Spirit and that we are in charge of. These Self Beliefs are those things that, as adults, we have to try hard to overcome so that we can grow. If a person has had it so that the whole time that they have graced the face of the planet, other people have been shaping who they are and we are believing what they are saying about us and to us and we do not think for and to ourselves that we are who matters when it comes to what we think about us, then that person will, like I still have a few issues with, have limiting beliefs about themselves.

Limiting beliefs are those things that tell us that we, on our own, are not strong enough to make it without the “love” of the spouse who no longer wants to be around to take the verbal and emotional abuse. Limiting beliefs are those beliefs that others have helped us form that tell us that we deserve to be lonely, by their leaving us by ourselves when we might need them the most. Limiting beliefs are those things that, every time we want to do something or maybe try something new, we fear the failure that we have not even experienced but somehow are positive that we are such sucky people that we cannot ever be anything BUT sucky.

Once it is that we buy into and start living these beliefs is when we have to really stop, even in the middle of tears, and ask ourselves why it is that we believe all the bad things and none of the good that we KNOW is the truth. Such as the idea that women have to keep up with the televised model of beauty, that men are not completely straight if they should choose to do things that do not include burping or farting publicly, or behaving like a chauvinist pig. If we have been told that this is the truth, and then shown so, it is of little wonder as to why it is that we have millions of young girls in high school worried about what they look like and if their butt is Kardashian big enough. It is why we have closeted young high school football stars coming out of the closet at school and hoping upon hope that the news doesn’t get to his parents for fear that his father will beat the gay (and the happy) out of him because he is not the person who his dad tried making him be and who he is not.

At some point in time in each of our lives, we decide that judging people for what and for who they are not is somehow okay. At some time in our lives we realize that what we see in others that bothers us also lives within us and that what we saw there bothered us so much that we had to control the situation by pointing out in someone else what we were NOT so that we could maintain our control over what they thought about us for real.

At some point, we all must decide to Love ourselves, to stop being so hard on ourselves for what someone else’s truth turned us into and be grateful that long before we leave this consciousness we still have the chance to be who we are and to share that with everyone else.

At some point, winning is no longer as big of a deal as is knowing that what might be someone else’s truth does not have to be and should NOT be what is ours.



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About ReverendRoxie22

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5 responses to “…no, really…you DON’T have to fight it out

  • TBS


    Thank you.

    In this manner we are taught, as children, to trust by learning what the adults in our lives tell us we should rather than what it is that our soul tells us and what our own senses tell us is the truth.

    At some point, we all must decide to Love ourselves, to stop being so hard on ourselves for what someone else’s truth turned us into and be grateful that long before we leave this consciousness we still have the chance to be who we are and to share that with everyone else.

    Beautifully strong.

  • Casey

    Sometimes being who we are does lead to conflict…accidentally.

    I read this excerpt the other day:

    “While authenticity in a relationship makes possible joy and intimacy, it also leads to some conflict. To be assertive involves a willingness to risk dissension knowing that some conflict is necessary to build a significant relationship of equals. To be assertive also involves becoming vulnerable in significant relationships. Without that vulnerability, one cannot experience the joy of enduring love … Still, when we dare to be vulnerable, even with trusted friends, we sometimes get hurt…

    …No matter how well we phrase assertion messages, people seldom like to receive them … We warn our students, “When you send a well-worded assertion message, don’t expect an accolade. Anticipate an attack or some other form of defensive response.”

    That’s from People skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts by Robert Bolton

    I have had this experience with people most of my life – when I’ve spoken up, conflict happened. I’ve learned, with some people anyway, how to work better with the conflicts that ensued with being authentic. With some people, I can’t. It’s all good.

    As a former codependent, I have to learn to speak authentically, to say what I can and can not allow in my life, what I do and do not want in my life, the behaviors I will and will not tolerate. This is a HUGE step for me, to be able to identify, declare and maintain my boundaries and the vision of healthy relationship I want in my life. Fighting is certainly not anything I’d like, but conflict does happen when needs clash and I’m willing to risk a fight in order to have the truth spoken and needs at least declared. I think when we keep our truth and what we need hidden from others because we are afraid to speak up about it for fear of conflict, everybody loses.

    I’m going to do my best to express myself in assertive, but gentle ways (I have a ways to go on that) but I do not want to be anything BUT authentic. I’ll risk a fight to speak my truth.



    • ReverendRoxie22

      Dearest Casey:

      It is the most elegant of warriors who can, without reserve, defend themselves, be who they are, speak their own truth, be authentic, and who does so without the intention of offending others and who weighs the risks involved. I bid you much luck and many blessings on this Path you have chosen, for it is one which can be labeled as arduous.

      Once it is mastered, there is nothing quite more beautiful than having had the courage to speak one’s truth and not so much not try to offend as much as try more to do so with kindness, with the entirety of the whole in mind. On that, we all have much to learn.

      Thanks so much for your comment

      • Casey

        “I bid you much luck and many blessings on this Path you have chosen, for it is one which can be labeled as arduous. ”

        Thank you for your kind reply. I’m finding this to be true. I know where I want to go. I also know the internal obstacles I have faced and still have to master. I still get trapped by Ego, sometimes, but I’m learning not to stay trapped. I don’t want to be how I was, that is for sure, because that way was more harmful, to me and those I’ve loved.

        I’ve listened to Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication book on CD. One thing I do know is that there’s usually always a transitional period where we finally realize we have our unique needs, but don’t yet know how to negotiate getting them met very well. To use an analogy of my own, it’s like we suddenly discover we have wings, though we had them all our life. We use them pretty awkwardly at first. We’re unaccustomed to them so we end up having to take time to practice using them. And sometimes we knock into things while we learn. We might cause harm to ourselves, to others, especially if they have just recently discovered they have wings too, you know? But then, as we can in skill and confidence, we can learn to take flight. We can soar and dive gracefully and not hurt ourselves and importantly, give other birds the space to fly. Maybe, in time, we can learn how to interact with other birds in such a way that it’s like an aerial dance. Have you ever seen a flock of like 100 birds almost moving in unison? It’s an amazing choreography of dazzling flight. They manage to not knock into each other. How do they do it? Well, they’ve been practicing flying since their baby birdhood. They always knew they had wings, you know?

        Well, anyway, that’s kind of how I see it. We have things called needs we’d been taught to ignore since childhood. Some never realize they have them. Some do eventually find out and learn how to negotiate getting them met.

        Most conflict is a matter of an inability to identify what these needs are and/or not knowing how to get them met.

        So…I’m learning I have needs. I’m learning I want to get some of them met. I’m learning I don’t need all of them met. I’m learning I can meet most of them by myself, but those I can’t, or when my needs conflict with others, I need to think about how to negotiate to have them met so that it’s a win-win for everyone.

        It’s not easy. But I’m willing to learn.

        Thanks again for the dialogue. It helps me to articulate these things.


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