We can only change ourselves

Life would be easier for us all if we just accepted that we cannot change other people

A big fat lesson in my lifetime has been that I can only change myself. Try as I might have, over and over again, I could not ever change another person. It was me who had to change, and me who still has a lot to learn in the area that is getting my way. I know…that sounds pretty awful, the idea that I would write that I want my way. Who doesn’t?

Who doesn’t want their way, all the time, and namely when it comes to making other people see who we are, or see who they are in regards to who we each are? Who are we to judge another person and the way that they are, versus the way that we are, and expect them to do what we know we would not and cannot change? We cannot change other people, and it is futile for us to believe we can. If there is one thing that I have learned about a man these past almost 25 years is that when it comes to the lives and the ways of being that is anyone else who is not us, when it comes to them doing anything for us at all, it is best, it is wise, it is for your best interest that anyone at all learns the truth in the FACT that change is best left to the people who might not realize that change needs to be.

And that is where the bitch of it all is at – while we are, on our own, powerful enough to change who we are that is to our own benefit, and therefor making it also beneficial to others that we have, on our own, begun the changes needed (because no one wants to hang with anyone who can be considered an Overlord of Doucheland). If we can see in someone else the reactions to our words and our actions, and we can have the experience of bristling at their words and their actions, somewhere within us each there is the molecule that is the energy which represents the need for us to grow, willingly, out of the safety net of “usual.”

“Usual”

Usual is that word that, in my opinion, means “same old,” “boring,” or “not quite ready to give up the old for the new.” I am a Pisces. Usual prompts me to start sounding like those sportscaster guys who like to say “Come on, man!” and makes me think of things that are getting old and stale. “Usual” means sterility, and life is not sterile, even though there are people who believe that “the usual” is the best option because in thinking of “the usual” we know that there is no change there, at all, and none willingly being brought to the table by anyone.

I get bored with “the usual,” and for a long time I was expected to be the “usual” type person who just settled into life once the kids were born. Nope. It was because of those three kids that I knew I had to change myself if it were that life would change for them. I will not say that life has always been a pain in the ass for them, but I can and will say that there are no other three kids on this planet who have seen and gone through what they have and who have been, in a short five years, been made almost fearless in the idea that they know who they are, and they are daring in that energy, daring in the thought that anyone will tell them that they are wrong for simply being who they are. They are not axe murderers, and they are not sicko pervs, and they are not kids who are not well behaved, not well mannered, not loving or giving. They are amazing kids, really, and while I know that any mother will say these things of her own kids, I have to say now that after I have watched them go through a lot of loss, a lot of heartache, a lot of watching me go at it verbally with their father (over the things that I chose to change in me, which did not prompt the same in him…meaning that his astro chart is true and right…) a lot of watching me cry over what their grandparents were not and still are not willing to see…a lot of bullshit, really….my three children are stellar. And there is not a person alive who will be able to tell me that I am wrong.

The things that they have seen changed them, made them more able to deal with things that their own father still cannot. The things that they have gone through caused them to be a lot more willing to see both sides of anything, to be able to discern what they can from things that are unclear to their young psyches. The things that these three kids have seen in this last set of five years is enough, in my opinion, to give reason for any kids to turn to drugs, sex, suicide, but they did not fail to those things. Sure, the thought has crossed their minds, I am sure, and there HAVE been times when I wanted to smack the piss outta the oldest (because prescription opiates ain’t no joke…but still, he is alive and well and knows what his pain is about…good boy…Mama is proud of you, boy), times when the girl should just have left her hair alone (because Mama knows what it is like to NOT get the attention that I needed, and if pink and blue hair is your way, then so be it, baby girl…I still Love you enough for my heart to explode), times when the little one should have been put on medication for anxiety over not knowing what would happen next (and yet, here you are, in all your 9-year old-ness, funny and still able to make your mother wonder about you and just exactly how intellectually superior you truly are…that’s my boy hahahahahahaaaa) – the three of them have all outgrown the stereotypes, have all made a mockery of what they typically should have done, but didn’t.

It all happened this way, I believe, because they learned very early on that they cannot change their dad, but that I am more prone to change when it comes to their emotional security (they know I give a damn about it). They have always known that there is not a lot that I will not do for them, because of them, by them, and that, no matter what, the changes that I have willingly made had them and their very emotional health and stability in mind and at heart. They have always known that no matter what, and no matter what happens to me, that I have always made them the center of my attention. There is nothing in the world that can change that. Not one person will ever make me angry with them enough for me to forget who I am to them and what it is that they need from me.

You cannot change other people, ever, so don’t even try to

At this very moment, I am suffering a crushing blow, to my pride, my ego, and my level of who I truly am. The things that I would not put up with I am suddenly putting up with because of these three kids. And really, it is nothing to the person who is doing the crushing, nothing to them that this is really, truly and terrible pain that I, apparently, have to go through. It is not enough that I have suffered much for this person to understand what, exactly, this does to me, and I doubt that their little time in the fray is doing anything to them, because apparently this is meant, and I have to, again, suffer such an indignity.

Yet, in it all, I know that there is really not a lot I can do about it. I cannot change this person, at all, and they are going to do whatever it is that they can to make me know that no matter what, that which I have already been through with them is apparently not enough, and again, I have to suffer, and this time, it is real. This time it cuts me to the bones, the very ones where my soul is. This time, it is the madness and the suffering that I have already done enough of, that no matter what I am told, it still will hurt, because of the actions that have been already taken in the past.

It is times like these that make me wishful for better, wishful for things that I am deserving of, because this is not one of them. The idea that I am not enough for this one thing just creates in me the things that I have worked so hard to not have to deal with, and the issue is not anything other than that I cannot change them, and on my end, I cannot change further for them, for their benefit, and I am not going to even try to. I am expected to just be okay, but I am sitting here, right now, tears rolling down my face because again, I am expected to just accept what is there and in front of me.

Some things, I cannot change, and at this time, the one thing that apparently I am not good enough for is the idea that my heart has been broken to the point where I am not sure that I want to try anything at all, anymore.

But still…

I Love You all

Rox

 

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About ReverendRoxie22

Visit my website! www.reverendroxie22.wix.com/losangeleskahuna View all posts by ReverendRoxie22

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