This was supposed to be a totally different piece, but after these last few days, I am thinking that we all need to be reminded of a few simple and basic truths…
It was a text I had received which followed a text just like it, but the compelling thing is that the text about which I am writing and the text that sent me into this ….tirade…came from a college-aged lesbian couple which had recently become ugly, rife with domestic violence and emotional abuse and, of course, tinged with the sickening drama caused by addiction.
Basic truths are those things that we all tend to forget about when it is that our Egos have chosen for us to be afraid of things that we do not want to deal with. One of those things that I do not want to deal with at this point is anymore drama, and the thing about it is that I already know that the drama I am dealing with is somehow meant to show me things that I do not want to look at. One of those things is that for the majority of my lifetime, I have always loved being with and around people, but the truth is that I am a very private person with a few people who I call “close friends,” and the best part about that is that they all know who they are. Yet, I am not wanting to write about that, because that is not what today is for. Today is the way that it is because today we are all being faced with the harshest truths of our lives.
It is a harsh truth that not a lot of people are happy these days, and they are not happy because they are all seeking things outside of themselves to make them happy. One of those things that people think makes them happy but in reality is making them miserable is hanging on to people and relationships that are not working and are not working because they either never worked or the people involved in the relationship have outgrown one another. Sometimes it is that one person in the relationship grows so much that the other person feels alienated, and the truth about that is that growth happens, and it happens, sometimes and for other people, without us.
That’s right. I said it, now deal with it.
Sometimes, what we think is the best thing for us is really the very worst thing, and it is the very worst thing, not because we do not want to accept it, but because we will try very hard to change other people to accept it to our benefit so that we can make sure that we have a place in their lives.
What I want to know is if people know that there will always be a place in someone’s heart, then why is it that people need and feel entitled to a place in anyone else’s life? It is not helping anyone, not even you, if you think and believe for one moment that being there and present and silently making believe that somehow hanging around where it is that you know you do not belong is going to make anything any better for anyone at all, even you? I JUST saw someone today who asked me, NOT what I know about their situation, and not what I can do about it for them, but why it was that these things were happening in their lives when all they want to do is Love someone.
The only thing that I could tell her was that there comes a time when we have to be able to clearly see where it is that we have been, to be willing to see the things that we have put ourselves through and more, the things that we have said and done in the past in relation to certain other people and to know, for sure, where it was that we need to decide – do we stay and try to make other people change for our ego’s calm, or do we do the right thing, the thing that we know and have known we are supposed to do, so that we do not have to go through the pain, again and again, because the pain is what brings us back to the place where we are right now?
I knew she would not listen to me, because every time this person comes to me – which is a whole lot – it is the same thing : She wants to be a particular person in the life of her ex-girlfriend, but the ex-girlfriend got tired of being abused, so the ex-girlfriend came to me to ask me how it is that she can make it clear to this person who does not listen, the reality that is that they can no longer be together? It was without hesitation that I told this young lady that the choice was hers, has always been hers, to be whole, but that the choice has got to include her own willingness to heal without her ex being there to hold her hand. The ex-girlfriend wants only the best for the person who keeps coming to me, and while I have relayed these things to them both, I must tell anyone who will ask that no matter what you want to believe, when a thing has reached the end, and when the lessons that were meant to be learned have been seen to, and you have chosen to look away and think and believe that you know better than Spirit knows , then you DESERVE the hurt you have right now.
It is not the other person’s fault that you hurt, because you are choosing it. You are choosing to keep on running back there and you are choosing to see only your damned sorry ass self in the entirety of things and it is without regard OR respect for them, the other person, that you have NEVER had. You cannot believe that you are going to be who changes them, that won’t ever happen, and it won’t happen for you because you are not willing to allow things to happen for them. You are being foolish and selfish and you are not seeing that in reality, you are impeding their growth, which is, in turn impeding your own.
You want to keep on running back. You want to make this person think that it is their responsibility to make you feel better about how badly you have been behaving, for likely a lot of years, all without regard as to how you have behaved. Your behavior is that of a child having a big fat tantrum, of stomping his or her feet, of behaving in a petulant manner ALL THE TIME and without regard for much else other than HOW YOU feel. Are you at all aware of the work that your ex-girlfriend and I have had to do to even and only scratch the very surface of the damage that was put in place there by the actions that you BOTH took when shit hit the fan? Probably not, because you just texted me again to find out if your ex had come back to planet Earth and seen the light that you are somehow the only person on the earth who is right for them.
I want to know if it occurs to anyone at all the thought in one’s head that tells us that we know the end has come and that the only thing we are doing in hanging on is trying to control other people so that we can hide there in our own misery in that place where we think we are safe and good in the arms of this person who wants nothing to do with us? I want to know when it was made okay that people have the very nerve to not listen to someone else and still demand to be listened to AND to be seen to? I want to know why it is that there are people who feel that they are SO important in the scheme of things that is the lives of others that when the answers you are given are the ones that are the correct ones but are also those which do not fit in to your end result, that you will elect to make life for others grandly miserable because you keep on screwing up.
You keep on screwing up by NOT listening to anyone, even your very self, in that part of you that reminds you daily, with each argument, with each little ding to the heart and soul of you, with each rage-filled tirade, with each tear that falls, that somehow things are not okay, not only in your own life but also in the lives of those who depend on you for your emotional support. You want people to support your growth, but you also want people to do things your way and if you have not figured things out yet, you have to work toward getting things to be your way. You want to behave as though what your ex-girlfriend wants is not as important as what you want, and the reality is that your ex has a better handle on what you need, and what you need is her absence.
It is the absence that was already there prior to you beginning to lambaste her at every turn that caused your ex-girlfriend to heal and grow, and then you came along and wanted things to be your way. You cannot have your way. You had your way. You want to be the star in the middle of her universe and you want to be the ONLY one in her life who is also female and attractive. That cannot be – the earth is populated with a whole lot of beautiful women and I don’t know what turnip wagon you fell off of that makes you believe that you are the last beautiful person on the planet, but you are not, and it is not what you look like that makes you ugly.
What makes you ugly is the weight of your mistrust coupled with the past mistakes that only your ex was willing to be honest about, and it was I who encouraged her, who encourages anyone to always be honest, because being truthful rather than sneaky never requires an excuse once you get caught in the truth. That doesn’t even sound right. What makes you ugly is the idea that every time your ex even speaks to you, you behave as though she has been hopping from bed to bed, with every thing beautiful and LGBT that she can, and you want her to believe that you Love her when in reality you want to own her and that is just not possible.
I am the one who has put her up to telling you the truth, who puts anyone up to telling anyone else, the truth, and the truth is that you …YOU need to check yourself, and you need to be the one to be strong enough to let her go for the moment and go out into the great big world and learn how to NOT hang on to people who are simply just not good for you. I hear it all the time, from some of my actual close friends even, this same story. This is a heartbreak that is universal, the one that tells us that we are no longer wanted, but most of the time we are no longer wanted because what we were supposed to do, we did, and to stay in a place where we no longer need to be seems pointless and drains us of our energies.
If you see yourself in this story, and you are compelled to blame someone else for how you feel, and you are in the mindset that one day, they will change because you are that well worth it for them to have to deal with your shit again, I will invite you to please contact me because there are some basic truths about how you being an ass for long periods of time has caused people to think of you as already gone from their lives. If you love someone, and they don’t want to be with you because of things that YOU have done, let alone that they have done, it is wise for you to heed them, to respect what they need, because if it were the other way around?
Yeah…you would …WOULD want them to just back the hell off of you, let you breathe, let your grow, and consider the possibility that everything becomes possible once it is that you can take responsibility for the things that you did in relation to the thing that broke your heart.
I have news for ya, cookie…while it is that she may have broken your heart, you are who stays that way, and hell no – she doesn’t care, because she listened to the things that her soul told her, yes, about you and about the things that you did and the things that you were and are capable of, and more, the things that she knows you are not yet able to do. That’s right, sweetie – you are not all the shit you think you are, and you are not better than your ex, and you are not the only one who has been hurt, but you are the only one who feels she is entitled to the life of a person who only wanted to love you from the beginning.
If there is one thing that this healer cannot stand it is someone who is so presumptuous in their idealized thoughts about anyone else that you will assume that you know what is best for her and according to only what you want.
I must end here right now, because the more that i think about this mess, the more I want to cry because I have a client who is now beside herself for having listened to her heart and soul, told you that she is bad for you, and you stay. You stay there like a dried piece of turd on a green lawn, white and hard and behaving like people do not know what you are.
This is bullshit. Please kokua me and your EX and Get over yourself.
For the rest of you…and you, too, oh, she who chooses blind ignorance to the glaring harsh truth…
I LOVE YOU ALL !
- Facing the truth about our relationship with “Stuff” (revgallagher.wordpress.com)
- 213. Relationships Take Effort From Both People (toinspirefromwithin.com)
- Alan Hart: Are We Stupid? (thetruthseeker.co.uk)
- Prompting (themanaoblog.wordpress.com)