It is at the time we feel the weakest that really, we are our very strongest
If you asked me what my greatest battle is at this moment, it is that while every other part of my life seems to be falling into place, the part that can be called “financial” seems to be the one where I have always had the biggest blockages, not only now, when I have a clue (and when I need more clients), but always, even when I was younger (and it seemed that all would always be well with me because I am a big thinker…apparently the world is still very scared of thinking big. I am not.), and now I am learning not only the value in bartering, but also, in the things that I know have never worked in the past being more and more attractive to me to use in the Now than they were useful to me at the time they were in manifest.
However, I do not want to talk about something so sensitive, because really, I am very sensitive about my income because it all hinges on what other people can pay, and right now, there are not a lot of us on this planet who can pay a whole lot for really very much at all. Instead, I want to talk about the idea that we have always known that whatever did not work in the past might work now (because we also know at this point that if we can see our “choices” as “options” that even merely the change in the word, even though it means the same thing, is a change in the energy which surrounds that word.), and more, the ideas that we have now are able to be tried, but that maybe, just like the stuff that we have to battle with now that has always been there for us to battle, period, that the things we came up with in the past were created in the past so as to understand and use in a current “Soul Battle.”
Inner battle. The battle with the Self. Warring on the Astral Plane …no matter what you want to call it, it is all the same. When we have come to that place called “rock bottom” and we have found ourselves fighting back tears and wrong assumptions and one day, we are given the energy from Spirit that tells us, through other people, that what we have gone through we did not and will not go through it all alone – this is when we know that we have been engaged in a battle royale with someone else, and not in a physical sense.
Not in a physical sense
Our biggest battles are normally fought with ourselves, but always, the way that it happens is that someone else brought to us the idea that whatever it was that we put energy toward was not what their ideal of that same thought energy was, and therefore a battle ensues. The battle of the egos, that is, and the battle for nothing more than just being able to be thought of as “sane.” And I know a whole lot about that sanity thing, because having been through a lot myself, I should be anything but completely in my right mind right now. The battles that we are given are ours for the choosing, and sometimes we choose the right ones, and sometimes we choose the worst ones, and sometimes we choose on behalf of someone else, and that is when we are at our highest best.
The Battles we fight should be thought of as the fire which refines us
I write a lot about how the fires of life are what make us who we are. It is through all of the battles that we go through, mostly the ones that we go through with ourselves, about how we should go about something that make us the nuttiest. What I mean by that can be well exampled by a marriage that has gone very, dearly wrong and one which those within that boundary have found themselves at a loss for the right words to tell the other.
The Overlord of Doucheland
A woman can be married for almost twenty years, and in that time span can be told, or actually, bullied by her husband, not for the right to call himself the head of the household, but for what he perceives as being his right to lord over the woman, because in his mind, he is the powerful overlord, but in the minds of many, many people, he is not more than merely the Overlord of Doucheland.
Without giving regard to her status as “full on human being,” she, too, like the property, becomes part of that property. While he fills his days and nights with his own perceived and overblown arrogance, she is there, waiting for some sort of clue that she is a valid human being. While she knows that she technically IS a valid person, it has become so dearly her position to let him have his way (because we all know how douchey sumbitches get when they can’t have their way – they become large,petulant toddlers having constant tantrums) so as to NOT upset HIS balance of things, that somewhere in the chain of events of years gone by, she was forgotten as being completely human.
So, many years go by, and said wife makes friends, and those friends, she finds out, also have the same issues at their houses with their own Overlord of Doucheland and it dawns on them at that point that they are totally NOT alone in their pain. They find out that there are others on the planet who are like them, and they seek these others out, only to find out one thing: they are all very tired of the overlords, tired of living in Doucheland, and really, they are done with it.
Yet, the Overlords, they have no intention of letting their one prized possession go, because without these woman-things, they have no one in their own midst and their own minds who they think they are better than. When it is that the women in these situations finally have had absolutely enough and they tell these wannabes that they, the women, are pau hana, or done working, with the Overlord’s crap, it is when all hell breaks loose and suddenly the overgrown toddler throws an overgrown tantrum. (In some houses the Overlord is not a guy but a very clueless, full-of-herself and wants nothing that is not in HER plans, douchey woman who can then be referred to as a “manchick.”)
And this goes on and on, for years, in lots of homes. No one realizes it until they get to that point where they either try to save the Overlord one more time, or, finally, they choose to save themselves. It is when these people choose to save themselves that these moronic spouses of theirs get REALLY ugly, with their words, and sometimes, with the violence which can ensue. And the violence is all a measure of control and fear, until one day, the prized possession no longer cares, because they’re tired of being afraid all of the time, and by my stating that they no longer cares, it is not because they do not care that they threatens them or man handles them, but that they no longer care what others think of them anymore. Eventually, basically, and one day, the opinion of other people no longer matters because, eventually, we all figure out that at the end of the day, when our heads hit our pillows, it is only ourselves and the grand Universe there with us.
It can be dangerous, physically, (Been there. Done that.) and sometimes, it warrants our needing to seek an outside opinion (again, been there, done that…) and even some help to get us through where we have been, what we have seen, when it all catches up to us, and it is through the outside help (mine’s name was Angela…yeah…peculiar that her name was Angela, right? NOT) that finally, when the dust and the bloodied self of the Soul have stopped aching enough to have clarity about anything, this is when we know that we are meant for other things and NOT for being in servitude to another human being, and namely, not an abusive spouse.
The battle in this situation was my own, and there are two women on this planet who know it well, and no, one of them is not my therapist even though both of them, because of me, should be easily able to earn their PhD in Psychology. These are my two best girlfriends, both of who could also be and have been the woman in this story. Together (outside help and opinions) we thought ourselves through and out of the situations we found ourselves in. I will be the last person on the planet who will tell anyone that they don’t have to worry about abuse or being abused, because I know different. That is beside the point. There are reasons that we all go through what we go through, and all of it is learning, all of it is meant to refine us through the fires which we are forced to walk across, or go backwards in to the jaws of the deaths we have already gone through.
What being bullied and abused has taught me to this point
I have learned through those who have been close to me and also less than kind to me for years and years and years that I am one who will choose her battles and who will never NOT choose them again. I am one who likes the challenge brought by the words being said to me “I don’t think you can do this. You are not good enough at it…” and also one who will not ever back down from being bullied by anyone, ever again, and it is not because I wanna fight, but because I am not afraid to make it known that while I might be a skinny little twerp, I am a powerhouse in the soul.
What the bullies in my life taught me was that I am not one who should be ashamed of merely being me, for real, without apology, because they believed, maybe, at one time, that who I am, for real, is a threat to them. The only time I am a threat, when anyone is a threat, is when we are made that way by them so that they can have a reason to feel threatened by anyone. It is another way of their controlling us by their stating that we are being threatening. Anything at all that seems like it hurts, hurts, but sometimes, what hurts does so with grand purpose.
With Grand Purpose
I have many friends and acquaintances whose life stories can be thought of as nothing short of miraculous that they made through their own battles alive. So many things in our lives claim us for long periods of time and when we choose to think of them only as being a pain in the okole, that is when they are only a pain in the okole. When we decide that one day, we would like to not be in the positions that we have found ourselves in, we also decide at that time to allow Spirit in and let her do what She will with us.
The pains we suffer are with grand purpose, are meant to teach us what we do not want to go through and more, who we are in relation to ourselves.
The Battles we fight are ours to choose, so choose wisely.
You are learning how to be who you are, for real. Stop fighting who you are for the sake of making someone else feel better. It is not worth it. You will never not be you. They will never not be them, and sometimes, you always being you, and they always being them is enough to make anyone decide that the battles which will ensue (because really, we ALWAYS know who we WILL fight with, and more, who we will be in permanent fight mode with, forever, sometimes.)
I LOVE YOU ALL !