Everything in consciousness begins and ends
As a society, here in America, we have made an art of trying hard not to die physically, not to age, at all, not to “get old”and most of the time, if not all of the time, it is at this same time that we build our outer selves up without regard to the inner self, that we will go through another sort of death. The death of and simultaneously to the Ego. It is not what you might think it is in that, when there is an “ego death” it merely means that you have been given hints and clues and sometimes in a lot of cases told by those who love us the very most that we need to check ourselves because on the outside it appears that physically, we have wrecked ourselves.
However, there can never be any sort of death to anything, really, unless and until the soul is ready and prepared for whatever it is that it is making new for the body in which it lives. The Soul can never die, even though the body does. The soul shows its indicator of an internal soul-sickness through the physical body. My best example of this is when someone is addicted to anything at all. There is always something on the inside that goes away first, or maybe is pushed somewhere in the deepest recesses of the Self that the only part of the person as a whole is the Ego. When the person lives from the ego, eventually the sickness of the soul shows itself in many ways and more ways than not, when we are talking about people who are addicts we are talking also about people, by and large, who are not well in the soul. This does not mean that they are sick and perverted (okay so lots of them end up that way, but…) but it means that if they are sick and perverted that the illness that is embedded into their soul has rooted itself through the use of numbing agents, which could be drugs, alcohol, sex with people who anyone should know better than to have sex with, let alone care to see naked…all of these things that keep a person looking for more of it are what were once habits and are now addictions.
The addictions are formed for a need of something, and that need of something is normally ego directed. When someone comes to me to help them sort out the mess they have called their lives for many years, and when they know that the things that they are doing, and the people who they are hanging out with and who are also portraying in themselves those ways of being that we can also call “ours” and we have the very nerve to tell these people about what is their sin, without looking at what is also our own sin, we are not realizing that the Ego has neatly taken over, to the point where a person needs to be numb, by their own hand, to stave off the pain of their lives.
The Pain of Life
Because of the people who I work most closely with (musicians and artists and weirdos, oh my), addiction in the lives of others is something that I see right away. I sense it there through the pain they bring through to me through their words, and after some observing them with other people, their actions, I find that more and more these days, people are simply looking for an end to the pain. In my world it happens a lot – a musician finds me and either brings to my attention someone who is horribly addicted, and a lot of the time, they are not aware that in their own lives they are also suffering an addiction. They are not aware that they are medicating themselves in the worst way that they could possibly come up with, and they do not realize that whatever it is that they see in others and point out in others is the same thing that is alive and well within themselves and that, to a point, they are calling it out of themselves and making healers like me aware of the thing that they have actually had to come to me to find answers about.
The pain of life is that thing that makes you cry when you don’t want to, and it is that thing that is masked by the things that cover it up and that we grit our teeth while smiling and tell others “I’m fine” over. Our society has made it so that we equate addiction with someone who is a bad person, and really, it is not that they are bad but that they have had such a bad time in life to that point, and because they find it shameful to have to admit to the idea that they have fallen to their own lowest point, they feel that they must hide the pain. Sometimes the hidden pain is because of a person’s not wanting to give that painful energy to their loved ones, and sometimes that painful energy is brought out of people because of their loved ones. Sometimes it is the remembering of the things that were said to and of us while we were little children and that keeps on haunting our thoughts and invading who we are for real.
And like all else that is here and in this lifetime and evident in our consciousness, so, too, does the thing that came along to eat our souls and allowed our egos to get so fat come to an end, because we either allow the healing or, sadly, we allow the addiction. When we end our pain with an addiction, while it marks another beginning, it is also the end of your own sense of self and reality of sanity. The process of the addiction takes its toll in that the more we delve into that energy, the more that we will try to make excuses and good reason for the addiction. This is something that I had to learn, because as I said – addictions do not have to be drugs or alcohol, as they can also be the pursuit of things and ways of being. In my case and in order to quell the pain of the physical violence in my marriage that was also accompanied by the pain that was the emotional abuse, because I was referred to as being “stupid” all my life, and more, because I was told that since I might be easy on the eyes to some men, that “thank God she (me) is pretty because God only knows she is not intelligent enough to make it on her own…she will marry well and thankfully will be able to sponge off of a man.”
Now, think about how awful that might sound to a little girl who, at that time, I was not older than 7, and you couple it with the idea that my whole life to that point the thought that was “women are not able” to do a whole lot for ourselves, so since that was their truth, and since it was that I was in their charge, at that age, and even though it hurt me, and even though I know now that it was probably the cruelest thing to say to a small child, namely a girl, and while I know that even then, it was not the truth, without realizing it. Telling children things about who they are supposed to be according to someone else, telling them that what they look like is going to save their lives, telling them things that make you feel better but makes that child worry for years to follow…this is the beginning of addiction.
I became addicted to learning, to knowing more, to being the most intellectually superior person in all of that part of my blood relations’ lives. And because of this, while I might have been technically way more book smart than they were, I was not emotionally well, and that is when the other addictions followed. I was addicted to trying to be better than them, and already, because I was who I was, I had no idea that I was not better than anyone, but neither were they, and these people who I no longer talk to damaged me to the extent where I will not deal with people who want to show everyone how great they are. This is what they taught me, and for me, doing things to me that would make them accept me as the me I would fabricate but who totally was not me became the thing that I though would heal me. Changing for them was not ever going to happen, and eventually I ran myself ragged until one day, I no longer could be that person. I could no longer remain addicted to spending money on things that I thought i wanted, but I wanted them because I thought it would change their mind about me.
The difference now is that I no longer care what they think. I no longer spend time thinking about how I might stick it to them, and I now longer give a rat’s ass about how they think I am living my life. I am living healed, and I needed just to no longer engage in the habits that became addictions to me, all the way to an alcohol habit that lasted about three years, and I chose to no longer try to numb myself with things outside of me. I chose, instead, to heal from the abuses.
I chose to heal, because I could feel my own energy level becoming what it was not meant to be, which was very depressed and at times, raging through the depression. One can imagine that I really needed to get over whatever it was that was making me feel like everyone else was correct in their assumptions about me. Where it was that they were calling me a drama queen or an attention whore, it was not either of those things. Instead, because of the things that these people put me through for many, many years, it was that culmination of all of the energy that was given to me by them that had finally taken its toll. And it was, very dearly, I could continue the madness of trying to fit who I was not, just so that I could have their love, or I could choose to save me.
I chose to save me.
In choosing to save me, I also chose, at that point, to live my life from the Soul rather than the pain that was caused by the ego. Folks have it wrong when they believe that the Ego is something that only makes us arrogant. The Ego, when it is allowed to run amok, is the part of us the tells us to remember the pain as being the most important part, when really, the pain is there to tell us that there is a difference between what is real to us, which should be Love, and what is not real at all, which is the pain caused by the love that is conditional and is what others tell us, even without saying so, that we are not good enough for them to Love us if we are not willing to allow parts of who we really are to die to their expectations.
The Universal Law of Dying tells us that we die more than one time, and that for the most part, it is needed in order for us to experience Growth
To die a death of the Ego is to grow in the soul. We die an ego death whenever we figure out why it is that we are in emotional pain and the moment comes that we decide to deal effectively with our pain. This is the reason that I insist that people who seek my help, who want Spirit to help them, are required to feel their pain. When we feel our pain we can also feel all the way down to the Bones of the Soul. If you have never asked anyone who has had an injury that has injured them all the way to the bone, they will tell you that the pain is so intense that they are not sure they will be okay from it, that they will make it through the time they need to heal physically from the injuries.
When we hurt from things, much of the time it is not difficult to know where it is that our emotional pain is coming from. It is when something that we ourselves cannot change but that will change the very fabric of our own personal lives happen to us that we know, for real, what is the pain that is all the way down to the Bones of the Soul. This is when, for some people, addiction starts. It starts with a person looking for a way to escape their reality, and so ensues the madness that comes with any kind of addiction. It escalates from there because of the fact that when we seek outside of ourselves for the pain to go away, we know that it is temporary.
The Universal Law of Dying tells us that when something has come to an end, and the lesson that we need and have always needed to learn in order to heal from certain pains in our Soul, that we will know it. We will know that we no longer have to feel that pain and are healed from it, the emotional trauma finally ended, when we can think about what happened that brought us to the point where we needed to deal from the outside, or at least believed that we needed to, and when that trauma is really not so traumatic for us anymore. While it is that the energy of the things that have happened to us won’t ever be different, we know that one day, as long as we realize that there is an end to everything, just as much as we know there is a beginning, and that all we need to do is to accept what we have gone through as ours to heal for us, we will also realize, very dearly, that everything that starts also ends.
No matter what kind of pain.
I LOVE YOU ALL