There are no pretty words…abuse is abuse

No matter who says what, it is not okay

I get it all the time, people demanding why it is that I “go against” what I know is right and follow the things that I was taught as a kid in church and in and with certain parts of my extended family. Let it be well known right now that while there are many more churches now which are making it known very well that domestic violence and emotional abuse are no way at all allowed by the God they follow, what is not being said to these people is that there needs more to be done in the way of telling the world that it is not okay.

Too many times people assume that the white picket fence means that the person who brought home the money also is to be assumed that they are as lovely a person as is that fence and that ideal of what is a happy family. Too often, too many people are more inclined not to get involved, not to say a word, not to do a thing, and because of the silence, more and more women, and now men, too, are being killed. These people are dying for Love. I know this animal. I was this animal. The women in particular are more vulnerable than are the men, and the children are also as vulnerable, because there are several hundred churches on this planet who encourage the beating of children and women, as though both groups are somehow meant for it. It makes me wonder if the idiots who wrote that garbage are even looking at either of those two with their eyes upon them or if they have their heads down looking at a book they are misusing as God’s guidance to rid the world of strong independent women and well adjusted children.

My call is out to the men in the world, the ones who think that it is okay still to put hands on women and children and to make this the way that you force them and control their lives. Who do you think you really are and why is it that you assume your religious rights are somehow being impeded if you are told by a woman…ME…that you are a piece of garbage and that you do not deserve the representative of replication of Life and the proof of that power by her and within her through that child who you are teaching “violence is needed.” No. Violence is not needed. Violence is not needed, but you need to learn control, and you need to learn that it is you who has the problem, and you need to realize that what you are doing is nothing short of criminal and absolutely is repulsive beyond anything else that this Minister can think of.

It breaks my heart when I hear other women telling me stories about what has been done to them, because I have been there, and it is not fun. It is not fun to be afraid of the one person who swore to take care of you and those precious children. It is not fun to live one’s life feeling as though they are meant to walk on eggshells all the time. It is not fun to have to wear long sleeved tops in the summer time, when it is hot out and because you want to cover the bruises which ensue from the rage of a man’s arrogance and ego gone unchecked. It is not okay to perpetuate this teaching to the boys and younger generations. You are the ones who continue to perpetuate the violence, not only in your home and in the tree that is your family’s, but you are proliferating it out into the world. Columbine guys…Virginia Tech guys…Uni-Bomber guys…all these guys and the rest who do not make the news…all of these people came from, in some manner, abuse. There are many ways to abuse people, and we as a society call it “normal,” but no one told you that there is a huge difference between what is normal and what is tolerated. Violence is not normal, it is tolerated.

Violence is not normal. It is tolerated.

Do NOT tell me that the reason that anyone will grow up to be abusive is because that is all they know and that that is how they were raised and oh well can’t do anything about it….really? Are you sure about that? I beg to differ. No one but a person who was picked on as a kid has the option to grow up as a bigger version of that kid BUT that kid. It is up to that kid to learn early from the adults in their lives who are NOT abusing them that violence in any manner is so not normal. Domestic Violence breeds more and more violence in the world. In order for there to be violence there must BE violence. I want you all to look around you right now and think about that for a minute and let it sink in because for many generations we have tolerated violence as a means to control people.

I grew up not realizing that what I had gone through as a child with the people who I grew up with …no, not my parents, even though they are a very good example of people who do not realize that allowing this to happen in their lives is perpetuating it…and who also used threats, yelling, taking away of a favorite toy and never giving it back…I could go on and on…these people are the ones who brought to my life the violence through being “disciplined” with a belt, a wooden spoon and these people are the ones who told me that I needed to toughen up and these are the people who showed me through their making of excuses as to why I needed to be physically dealt with in that manner that abuse, while it is never okay, is normal, and they call it DISCIPLINE.

Hitting a kid with a belt or a wooden spoon…abuse…a closed fist…also abuse…a gentle swat on the rear end and a stern talking to…NOT abuse but discipline. Name calling…telling anyone that they are worthless…pathetic…useless…all of it…all of it is abuse, no matter what. This, the hitting with the spoon and the beatings with the belts, the yelling and calling of names and the belittling and berating…all of this is abuse, and all of it another kind of preventable disease that kills a lot of women and children everyday. While we are so busy with fighting for causes that are preventable diseases, we are not doing enough to prevent this one, and this one DOES cause other diseases and not all of those diseases are physical, but mental and emotional, and it seems even with VAWA in place, our rallying cry is still “someone please make them stop hitting us” and it is a slap in the face that when a woman who is really being abused calls the police for assistance, they will not take her abuser to jail because they cannot see the injuries. And the bigger slap in the face is that if it is the abuser who calls first, the victim is who will go to jail…all true…ask a victim…

When the hell are we finally going to understand that this is not cool?

 It is not cool to hurt people. It is not cool to make people who you say you love live beneath the weight of your thumb and see things through the lenses of your own perceived strength, which, by the way, is not strength. It is weakness. Only the weak prey on the weak. This is truth in nature as it is in human awareness. This means that even though an abuser might be physically stronger than their victim, there is no way ever, unless they are willing to get help, that they can ever be stronger. No way at all. The reason is that because the abuser is and has been the way that they are, but the person who they victimize likely was not someone else’s victim, and now the victim has to learn to survive. Once that is in play, there really is no turning back, and the survivor of all the nonsense is not only better off for having learned that method of survival, even though it sucked, they are now smarter for having to have gone through the crap that they did.

If you don’t believe me, ask me, because I am living proof of this in action. It is not that there are no programs in place to help these people after the fact, but the FACT that there should be no real reason for them to be in existence in the first place. That is the black eye, the stain on society – that for every wrong there is a way to fix it. Yeah..I Know…never gonna happen…yeah yeah…I know….And while it is that those programs are invaluable resources, it does not address the entirety of the whole, and the entirety of the whole is that just as much as victims need these programs so that they can learn to survive the wreckage that was their life, so, too, must their attacker, because the truth of the matter is that abused people become abusers if they do not have someone there to remind them daily that abuse, even as it might be accepted as “normal” for some people, on the whole, it is the furthest thing from it.

And to all those ministers who are claiming in their instruction books about disciplining children and having it be a godly thing to beat your family….you are not ministers- you are abusers. You are the worst kind of abusers, the kind who tell people that God told them to do it. God did not and would not tell anyone to harm a child. Knock your bullshit off. Instead of beating kids for no reason, why don’t you sit them down, be firm with them…do not beat the shit out of them and expect them to change, because they won’t. They will not recognize real Love, you creepy assholes, and you will have shown them to fear rather than to have true respect. They will not know what it is like, and they will end up in an endless cycle of abuse. I cannot believe that you believe that a God that could create such beautiful creatures, such wonderful and amazingly complex creatures, in HIS image, THROUGH US and that that same God would instruct you to tear those beautiful beings down!! You are the wolves, the very wolves in sheep’s clothing, because you go and you tell many, many people your lies – that basically, women and children are not people, they are owned. Nah, dude…not okay, not cool – yeah, I AM talkin’ to YOU, because I have to fix a whole LOT of people JUST LIKE ME because of people JUST LIKE YOU and I promise you that you don’t scare me. You are not allowed to beat kids or women up. I would challenge you to a fight, but I would win, because I fight like you do – LIKE A GIRL and yeah, asshole, dirty as hell…I say if you can dish it then I hope you can take it, because Karma demands respect, and I promise you…Karma WILL get her due…

And I promise you, too, that if you think I am a bitch…Bigger one than you, even, because you use a switch…’cause you probably hit like a bitch, right “Pastor”? My OKOLE..pastor….hmmph!!
haha!! Yeah…I said it- deal with it! Real men don’t hit and don’t make excuses.

Karma’s a bigger bitch than I will ever be!! Maybe even a bigger one than any abuser is already…just sayin’…



Rev. Roxanne Cottell (Reverend Roxie) can be reached by clicking here. Please do your part in raising awareness about domestic violence and emotional abuse. Donate to the “Speaking out against Domestic Violence” fundraising campaign. We are spreading the news online via a PSA during the Project Independent Metal Showcase Tour. Please click on the link to see their sponsorship link. Then please visit our page for the details. For the best in indie rock music, please visit …Mahalo…aloha nui…ROX ! 


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