I will say it again and again…you do not have to apologize for being truly You!
Survivors of any traumatic thing that has happened in their lives all go through the feelings of guilt which spawn from believing that we could have done something to make things different or better. Different for ourselves, but better for other people. In any situation where our survival mechanisms come in to play, we will find a whole lot of underlying emotions but the one thing that we will find there for sure is a mentality of not being sure of who is at fault.
I will be the first one to tell you that you need to learn to believe that when your own world seems to fall apart, when it seems like it is about to implode on itself, whenever it feels like you have to contend with things that you just do not care to deal with, it is not all your fault. Always, at least in the case where there is an absoluteness arising from the idea that you have been through some stuff, there is more than one person who is at fault, and always, there is a reason for at least one person to be upset, and more than not, we find that too many people are more inclined than they are not to depend on someone else’s version of “Don’t listen to them – it isn’t your fault,” even as we blatantly refuse to depend on our own version of it.
We are unsure of our own convictions, and this is okay. It is okay because if we do not question ourselves we will never be inclined to seek the entirety of who we are and will always remain satisfied with what little we think we have, and we only think it is so little because someone else told us it is. We don’t have to believe anyone else for anything, at all, but we are all good human beings and are compelled to believe and to trust at least one other person who is not us. It is a sad thing when we think we cannot trust ourselves, when we cannot depend on what our gut instincts tell us or when it is that we have come to the conclusion that maybe everyone else in our lives is right, everyone else in our lives knows us better than we believe we know ourselves.
This past weekend has been a big mess of people claiming to know who they are but not proving it. It is a rare person who accepts this about themselves, the idea that maybe we really do not know it all, maybe there is some truth to the idea that there is a good reason why we go through the ugliness that we go through, and that the ugliness is there to provide us with a contrast and a comparison of our own Beauty. Our Own Beauty is not always on the outside, and sometimes it is the beautiful nature within which draws people to us. For many years I thought it was something else that brought just the right people to my life, and it was the “pretty people” who’d impressed me the very most, because at an earlier time in my life and when I was only scratching the surface of how the Law of Attraction works, I was convinced that the beautiful people who’d come into my life at those times were there because I myself was so “beautiful,” albeit and at that time, in an unwavering and ugly way.
Yes, unfortunately, really. I really thought that it was an outer thing rather than an inner thing and a means by which there would be a reorganization of my own belief. I believed that all it took was a thought and poof! There was the Beamer…and poof! There was the Benzo…and poof!!! There was a half-million dollar golf course home and poof! …I think you get the idea. What I was not thinking about was that just as easily as all those pretty things were acquired, so, too, could those pretty things be taken from me. And taken from me they did get!!!
I had to be stripped of what and who I thought I was so that I could become Who and What I Know I Have Always Been. I have always been grateful, always been Loving toward everyone, always been filled with the light of Aloha, always been right there for anyone who needed me. Like the tiny-brained thinking that I was practicing back in the day of the Country Club House adjacent to the Golf course, so, too were the results back then, with the exception of a woman named April, of what my thinking (which was just rife with guilt over the things that I’d owned because I knew that they were not really mine…they belonged to the idea that someone else bought them so that they could keep up their own facade of what it meant to him to be havin’ thangs) was as opposed to what it has been made straight by the turmoil of no longer having those things in my life to speak volumes about who I Am anymore.
I make no more apologies for being this Me, the Real Me, and there is a group of people on this planet who are just absolutely thrilled to know this Me, because this Me Loves everyone and does not bother to even wonder what kind of car someone else drives, how much money they make, where they have been in the world, and the truth is that I Love this Me, much as anyone who has told me that this Me is the Me who they adore. I Love Me, and I make no apologies for being the person who turmoil and heartache have smoothed my rough edges with. I make no apologies for doing what I do, being around who I care to be around, for being in the company of other people who are just like me. When I think about that last part, about the people who are just like me, I also make no apologies for my “Moses” moment in that finally, after all the smoothing out of the rough edges, and after digging through the pomp and circumstance, I found the Me who never really left, and more than that, I also found what Moses referred to as also his…Moses asked God to set his people free. I asked God to show me mine. It is sort of the same in that the only way that I would know that finally I am Free to Love Me was to know other People Who Are Just Like Me…in short I have found them…my people…and they know they are my people. They might not be from the same set of people, but they are, none the less, my people. I know they are. We are alike in many ways. You will know this, too, as soon as you accept that you are not losing anything other than your Ego’s need to have its way rather than the Soul knowing what is right for us.
When we are genuinely who we are meant to be, even and in spite of all the abuses that we have gone through, the picture becomes crystal clear to us, and more and more, as time passes, we can literally see and feel what each person’s purpose in our life is, and more importantly, we are confirmed with the thing that we knew already – our place in their lives. We always end up coming back to who we are, and we know who we are by the people in our lives.
Right now, I know that I am a bad ass chick, with a lot of really great guy pals who have a deep respect for the Woman who is no longer bothering to be the scared little girl…
When we can get through the weeds, we eventually find the blossoms in the center of the thorns. When Moses parted the Red Sea to set his people free, he knew that it would take that much to clarify his place and where he belonged.
Like Moses, we know where we belong, and the fun part is that while we think we are seeking it out, it actually finds us…no matter what. That which we call into Being is on its way, and that which we think we do not have, it is already here and ours and all that is left for us is to claim it…
Pretty cool, I’d say…
I Love You All !!
Reverend Roxanne Cottell is the Kumu Hula and Creator of the Spiritual Hula Program for Women and the Co_founder of Na Hula O Ka Wahine ‘Ui. She is a writer, book author, choreographer, and Spiritual Adviser.To Contact Roxanne for information about the Spiritual Hula Program for Women or information regarding private sessions with her feel free to send an email.
(c)2012 Roxanne Cottell. All Rights Reserved.