…and the reason we do this, I find, drives me crazier, and I will not lie – I have done it, too!!
I have been told on more than only one occasion that the reason a whole lot of people judge us unjustifiably has everything to do with them and really not a lot to do with ourselves. I have done it, and you have done it – oh hell, we have all done it…judged others harshly because of something that resides within ourselves.
It is not something that is not normal for my ears to hear that I can be intimidating on some level, and when the words hit me, they do so like a ton of bricks. It is most surely because I do not realize that maybe what they are saying might be true, but then I get good and angry because the bottom line is that I bear no real reason for anyone to think this way about me, or anyone else, but they do, and it sucks, but it is part of our lives, the idea that people feel like this toward others.
There are days when I wish to hell that I could be like my best friend, whose ability to not let what other people tell her is the truth of her and their truth only and according to them bother her. Of course, I have had the “help” of many people in my life throughout the course of my lifetime giving me unconscious reasons as to why they would tell me the awful things that they had, but I find now, at this very moment in time, that it was never said for any other reason than to make me find out all on my own that the things they have said and likely still say to this day were said in defense of their own waning sense of self more than it had or has anything to do with me and the things that I am really good at.
And I find anymore that while there are a whole lot of things that I would love to be good at, there are things that I am great at that make those things that I would Love to be good at pale in comparison. It took me a little while to figure out what my best pal was saying, and until today I understand that her methods with me in particular have been, will always be, from a place of Love, of understanding, of no longer being afraid to be as brilliant as she has always told me that I am. She would know – she has always been right there for these last almost 8 years telling me often that the reason these people would have shit to say has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me, that what they say is to lessen my brilliance so that whatever brilliance they possess (we all are brilliant at something, by the way…just sayin’…) will be that much more magnificent.
The lessons we are tasked with learning every single day of our lives and the teachers who bring us those lessons are meant to be there as a guide, not as a detriment, and while it is that I KNOW she has NEVER meant to say anything to me that was meant as anything other than just what words she has had for me, and this is something that is particular to us all, when we hear the truth it will hurt us, but what she knew and what I knew but did not want to have to deal with because of all the other crap that I am dealing with, was that if I wanted to be all the brilliant that she has always known that I am, I had not only to believe it without seeing it but more, I had to stop trying to get other people to approve of me because of my brilliance.
If we all shine so brightly and no one sees it is not because we are not doing what we do correctly, but rather and only because the people we are trying to show our brilliance to already know about it and some of them may not like the idea that you are every bit as awesome as you have been told you are by the people in your life who care about you so much and who are also VERY tired of the drama that comes with not realizing or believing in things about ourselves – things such as our own brand of brilliance on every level.
I had to take the time to learn to not be upset when I had no one to spout off to, not have a snit when certain people haven’t the time at the moment to share a few minutes with me – it doesn’t mean that I am not as important to them as they are to me, it just means that they are busy. It used to bother me to think that I would take out a few moments of my day to call someone, to email someone, or to send them a text and not get one right back at that moment, as though my voice and my call were somehow the only thing that should matter to them on that particular day. From the passage of time, no matter how short it has been for me, I have learned very well that when others have no time to talk to me at the time that I make contact that it isn’t the end of the world. It simply means that they are just goddamned busy is all.
Besides, if I wait until they did have time, where the hell would I be? I’ll tell you where – waiting …for something that I already have proof of !! Yeesh !
Recognizing the shining diamond beneath the coal is so totally not enough
Yes, I will admit it – after much cajoling, much cussing me out, much telling me that she would like to “take me by the shoulders and shake this stupid bullshit out of you, Roxanne!! Why do you believe that shit about yourself?F*CK!” and more Love than much else – I have been a huge sinner in the Church of Not Recognizing that I am As Brilliant As I Know I Am.
We have been taught all of our lives to let other people be better at what they do than we are at what we do when we are doing it, and we have been told this so that when it comes to the part about their liking us for whatever reason we want them to that they will not feel threatened by what we are good at.
This is a huge lie to have to live – I know it, have lived it and I do not like it, not at all. But there are reasons that I would ever have ventured into that area of crap thinking to begin with, and that reason is not only that this was said to me, but more, it was what was shown to me. Right this minute I want it known that abuse begins the moment that we are told and that it is made ok in our little-kid minds that we are told that we should not be all that we know we are, that we should try harder not to be as great as we are at whatever it is that we are great at. When it came to my ability to write, there was nothing that would stop me and during my childhood it was the thing that Mom clung to with me the very most – my intellectual abilities and how great they were, even at the age of 3.
However, there were other things that I was as good at as well as writing, such as dancing and drawing and painting and things of a nature that was more spiritual than they were anything else. These were not things which were respected in me, though, things that no one would ever think that I would be as good at. I learned something, or rather, accepted something, that is, and what that one thing that I accepted was as of recent was that while we might be good at something, if it isn’t something that makes our hearts and souls explode with joy then it probably isn’t something that we should be doing. There is a fine line and a balance which must be present all the time, and if the balance is unbalanced all kinds of not-so-great things will happen to us and to our lives. Again…I know it because I lived it but at least I know that it is not to late to change this.
I will admit, too, to always needing to be told that what I have done is good work, and it is because not a lot of people have said so unless it had something to do with what I looked like or how I might look wearing this, that or the other, and as well we all know we are so, so, so much more than only the proverbial wrapper that the candy comes packaged in. Just because I look a certain way, good or not, whatever it is, this is not where I should be judged from, because it is not what I look like that is responsible for who I am or even for what I look like.
Who each of us Is
When I look at the things that I have been and how many people whose lives I have been and how many of those peoples’ lives I am yet still part of, I find that those who are in my life and mean anything to me are the very ones who have been willing to not lie to me just to keep up appearances. And these would be the very same people who have always made sure that I knew that to them, I was one of the smartest people they knew. It was not until recently that I accepted this one Truth, and it is the Truth, and not because someone else told me so, but more because a few someone else’s made it absolutely clear to me that This Is Really Who I Am to Them and that This, too, needs to Be Who I Am to Me.
We needn’t bother any further with trying to hard to make people see us for who we are to ourselves. It isn’t worth the heartache, and no matter how many beatings you lived through, no matter how many times you suffered, no matter what any abuser says to anyone else, what those people think and do and who they are truly and really has and should have zero to do with how we feel about ourselves. This one truth is the thing that has saved me, every single time, and every single time I went over the list in my head about what it is that my best friend has always told me but no longer needs to remind me of is that I have a certain brilliance to me that is all mine and that I have been hiding this brilliance from the world because it was and sometimes still is that same brilliance which makes people check themselves. This is the same for us all, not just me.
We shun Love in our lives because we think we will have to change that part of us that people we love cannot relate to. We banish from our lives the idea that since a few people were bad to us, a few people thought we were what we are not, a few people had a fucking horrid word to say of us, that what they saw and might still see is the truth. The reason we fight those words so hard is because we know they are not truth and we fight more the hurt from the lie that is someone else’s truth. We cannot change other people and we will never have the power to change their feelings about us – we only have the power and the right to change those things about our own selves.
Dare to be all the Brilliant that you know you are, and do not be afraid that you will hurt someone else’s feelings because of it!
Yep…again…I’m a sinner! I have been known in the past…even as recent a past as this very morning…to hiding who I am to save someone else’s trouble, and well, I think I am really very tired of doing that. We have all lost opportunities that in some way came to us because our Brilliance called it into being for us, and we have all made the mistake of thinking that people knew everything about us but in reality they didn’t because we chose to hide it from them. This is wrong.
This is making you wrong for being you, and if there is one person who no one will ever tell you NOT to be You it is your SELF!
Make it a point, beginning right this minute, to take the time to heal that part of you that was hidden, first by you, and then smothered by those in your life who chose to tell you who you are and chose to tell you that the Big Deal that is You is really not that big a deal at all. Don’t listen to them, and don’t bother trying to prove them wrong because you never will.
Be right in all your Brilliance, and be okay with you and who you are, and Love the person you have always been. Yes, it is difficult to break out of a thought pattern that for many years you were forced to take as truth because that is all you ever were taught and that is all you may have been literally beaten into believing – to let others tell you who you are. I know this monster, and it was only recently that I chose to break the pattern that was indicative of my not Loving me for everything that I Am and more, forgiving me for not being all that I am not.
We cannot be anything but our very damned selves, so, folks, it is my promise to you that if you choose to be the You Who You Are, You can never go wrong. STOP trying to make other people Love you, because right now, in this very moment and at this time of reinvention and healing of the battered soul within, the best self care that any one of us could practice is very simply being all the Brilliant people we know we are, and not make any apologies for doing so.
I LOVE YOU ALL !!