For a lot of survivors, making choices according to our own preferences at first seems scary and weird.
There are not a whole lot of people who know me…and I mean really know me…who will disagree with me when I say that I have never had a problem with expressing myself. For a very long time it was difficult for me to be true in the things that I wanted to say in completion because I was told for so long that maybe what I’d had to say would sound stupid, or would make him look stupid, or, most of the time, told that no one wanted to hear what I had to say because it was not important to anyone, not even him.
There comes a day when you have to speak up or things will not change
Abuse survivors have a whole lot to get through, and one of those things is regaining the ability to choose what we like and what we want according to us. We are all uniquely Sacred in this life, and those of us who survive the insanity that someone else brings into our lives, once we are emotionally (even if not yet physically) apart from our abuser we can learn from our own bodily reactions what it is that we want, and more, what it is that makes us cringe.
We forget about the things that we love so much. In my case it was music and musicians, rock music and a good time. To my old man these things apparently should have been left behind the moment that we met, because to most abusers once it is that you have met them they believe that they really are all that their victim needs. This is a lie. I found out very early on after I married this person that I really needed to be able to see and talk to my family – I missed my parents, and I missed my brother, and my sister was always with me, but it was not enough. I missed seeing my grandmother, missed seeing my cousins, missed the things that I loved so much before the day that I signed my life over to my abuser was a reality.
Over time I’d grown used to staying quiet, grown used to not writing regularly, got used to carrying on conversations with myself, and just sort of dealt with the heavy and crushing isolation. While I hated being alone, I found my solace in reading, in writing with pen and paper volumes of poetry, found my solace in music and during his work hours would dance hula by myself, through tears of loneliness and resentment.
Yet I thrived in a sense as well, because I’d not realized back in 1995 that what I needed as well as friends and my family, what I so badly needed but did not know until then was that I needed to write in a manner that came not from a rock and roll perspective, not in a manner which was meant as a marketing piece, not in a manner that sold anyone anything.
I needed to find my voice, because in all of the fear that had become so much a part of my daily living I’d neglected that part of me that had always served me well – my Voice. And by “Voice” I am not talking about my talking voice but the Voice which speaks loudly through the silence of the tears, through the pounding and reverberations caused by the ongoing mental recording of my being told that I am useless, worthless, a whore and what not…the Voice of which I speak is that of your Soul, and for those whose lives have been fractured by the marring from abuse, it is the Soul which keeps an abuse victim going through what they do so that they can come out of the other side of Hell on Earth brand new, far wiser and better able to deal with what it is that has befallen and now stares at them in the face.
The Voice of the Soul
It is the Voice within which carries most of us through the hell that we do not create for ourselves. It is that part of us that many refer to as being “The God Within,” and others refer to as our Guides. Whenever it is that we have found ourselves wanting to lash out and crush someone, it is the Voice that compels us to dream a little bit bigger, to delve into the fantasies which used to be a part of who we once were and to seek out the guidance and the answers to all of our questions, and it is the Voice within which addresses the pain and doles out the Love that we all retain even while for a time in our lives it seems that we are not lovable, like we truly are the worst person on the planet, and that we really are everything that the person who is our captor has said we are while they continue to have their way with us emotionally.
The Voice of the Soul remains with us, aching to be heard, and waiting for you to Become what you were meant to through the harshness that is being someone else’s victim. Our Voice is that part of us that relates to the world, and it is not through our own hand and neither our own manipulations that we would get to the point where we would need someone to tell us that we are going to be just fine, because the truth is that no, we will not be, at least not until we can begin to see through the darkness that has become our pain to the light that will release us, even as some of us are still physically living with these people who took who we are and turned it into something that we would never be…
…something other than our True Selves.
Once you have regained your Self you will find that your Voice is that part of you that the world has done without not because you had the idea in your head that you might not get heard, but rather and only because one other person decided for you that your Voice was not ever that important to them, so why would it be important to anyone else?
Because. It is. You Are! You belong here in this life and you deserve to be heard…the real you keeps telling you over and over again to let her out…
You gonna start listening?
I LOVE YOU ALL !!