No one promised us that life will be without challenges
At this time in my life, I find that there are times when I just want to sit and cry and think about the things that have happened to me. I sit in quiet contemplation of who I used to be versus who the trials of my life have helped me evolve to be, and I will say with an absoluteness that one year ago today I was not happy with me or with what all the ills of my life had made me think I’d become.
Throughout the last year I have had plenty of opportunities to learn about where my pain originates from, and it is not from someone else who it comes from but rather and only the child within. I can get on the phone with a person and listen to the tone in their voice and become roiling mass of “I wonder what that meant,” when in reality the truth is that what that meant was exactly what it was said it meant and nothing more.
The child within keeps us safe for the most part, but the child within is also the one who keeps us, through fear, from moving ahead, and the child within is a spoiled little brat who cannot see past her own hurt and her own fears and the child within is the person within us who makes stay alert to what we think others want to do or say to us.
It is the child within me who keeps me thinking that I have to be the center of a person’s world, but what that child does not think about is that the center of the world that I must be is the center of my own world, and this is something that a lot of people forget about when they are embarking out into the world as a survivor of anything. On the other side of that is the idea that there are people who will miss out on all that we have to offer them, no matter in what capacity, and that they will miss out by choice – and they choose the way they do, not only for the convenience factor of things, but also because it is the child within them who is still aching and still very afraid of life itself. This is a sad way to be, and it is something that I had to and still am overcoming. There is nothing that I need to be afraid of, nothing at all, yet there is something inside of me telling me still that I am not an acceptable person, that somehow I am not good enough for certain life situations at this moment, and the truth is that I am fine and good with it, really, because right now I am busy doing things which pertain always and only to me.
The Selfish, Selfish Child…is not so selfish but needs self care…
I am not a selfish person. In fact, it can be said that the majority of people who have suffered some sort of abuse will either become the most self-centered and egotistical people who anyone will have the displeasure of learning anything from, or they will, typically, become more aware of the things that are needed by others simply for the reason that for a long time, myself included, they tried and tried to get the attention of one person, to get that one person to Love them the way that a human deserves to be Loved and not through the pain that was caused by the thing that was other than Love. I know what is Love and I know what is other than Love, and these days, because of my background in being abused emotionally, I am more inclined to wait until I am ready for anything that is not here and now.
I do not have to follow a set of rules that were not set by me, and it does not mean that I am conceding anything other than to the idea that sometimes, when we hurt and we want to believe that there is something way wrong with us, the truth is that there is nothing wrong with us and that we are not done learning.
The one thing that any abuse survivor needs to learn and to latch on to is the idea that we are Divine Beings, that we are meant to give and receive Love, and that no matter what, even when we think that there is not enough, there is plenty, and the plentiful nature of it starts with our very selves.
It is not selfish to Love one’s self, and this is a lesson that is lost on almost all abuse survivors. While we may have been expected to and even forced to beg to be Loved by others, the bottom line is that the first person we should all be Loving the most is ourselves. This does not mean a conceited kind of Love, and neither should it be the sort that holds a person in place through conditional Love.
It simply means that you need, we need , I need….we all need to learn to Love us first, because without Loving our very selves first, we cannot know what it is to Love anyone else.
You will just know…
You will just know when the child within has evolved to become a less unruly and expectant child because all of the wrongs that seemed like forever to get over will take less time for us to get over, because we will have learned at that point something about the nature of Loving our own selves. This is an important part of Loving the Self, and survivors of abuse have no clue how to Love ourselves unless we are willing to know and believe that we are lovable and that we are acceptable.
There is no shame in knowing that you need more from Life, and I am right in the middle of this lesson at this time. This doesn’t mean that what I wanted to do won’t happen…
…it just means that when the time comes and I am better prepared for it, no matter what it is, that which I have learned and that which means the most to me will become all that it is meant to be and more, it will be absolute and right .
That alone is plenty to be happy about…trust me, I know.
Again…I am squarely in the middle of it right now
I Love You All !!