Being a parent is a scary thing, but it is never as scary as it is to be a child in some cases
I will never say that my parents abused me, because they didn’t, but the thing that this post is about is not what they taught us or what they told us was right or wrong, but what they told us to believe that can be damaging to a person.
When I was a kid I was happy. I did like all the other little kids did. I played. I did my schoolwork. I ate my veggies. I went to church. I respected my elders…even the ones who can now be seen as having been, at least at a minimum, emotionally damaging. While I will never out the person in whose care I was left for a lot of years during the daytime prior to my attending grammar school, I will let you know what they did to me that was a huge part of my growing into the adult who I became.
When I was a little girl I was told that I had to respect my elders, because if I didn’t respect my elders it was a sin and that God hated sinners. When I was a little girl I was told that no matter what – no matter what was said to me, no matter how what was said to me made me feel, and more, no matter how I felt about what was said, I was to listen to and obey the person in whose care my mother left me. While I love this person from a distance now, these days I have a hard time thinking that my mother chose to leave me in the care of a person who was so severe in her rendering of discipline, her doling out, if you will, punishment, and let me tell you what, for a long time I have felt like I was being punished, and now I know why – because I was.
Punished children grow up to be punished adults, or worse, punishing adults
I have come to have to accept the fact that my issues with people who bully, who belittle, who do the things and say the things that they do and say are because I have been bullied, belittled, done wrong for the entirety of my life – first with the caretaker, then, without their realizing it until I told them so today, my own parents, and of course, the person with whom I have spent the majority part of my adult life.
For most of my life I was not aware that my life was led by me in a constant state of feeling like I were being punished, and mostly it was by those who said that they only had my own safety in mind. While even that may be true, what is also true is that for a long time I felt ashamed of who I was and up until two days ago I was scared still to let the world see that in me because I was ashamed to let people know that and admit to the fact that I was a trained doormat.
I know what it is like to feel like you are being punished constantly, and it is not a laughing matter, because when you go on the premise that you are bad and have always been, you do not think about what it was that you actually did in order for you to feel like you do. It is a hard thing to think about constantly when all you do, all who you are, what you love, who you love, who loves you, EVERYTHING becomes something that you will believe has caused people to make you hurt.
For many years I had no idea why it was that I felt like I was a punished child, why it was every time my soon-to-be-former spouse and I argued that I felt like I was in the presence of a father figure. I always felt like my actions were being judged, like who I am is somehow not now nor has it ever been good enough, and that message that is never spoken (in most cases, when it is a parent or a caretaker) but is always there because in many cases no matter what you do to at least make it clear in the mind of your attacker that at a minimum you really have no idea what you did to be treated in such a manner, it does not change. And this is behavior that is learned, like learned helplessness. We aren’t born horrible. We learn to be horrible. We are born helpless, but we do not stay that way, but under the right conditions for it, it, too, is a learned thing, and much like the learning that we do to become dependent on others for the sake of our shattered souls, we, too , must learn a new way, a new thought pattern and break free of the prison which has no walls.
It is not easy to let go of stuff
You know how it goes…you hurt so badly that all you want is someone to listen to you and know that you are heartbroken, but the best thing that anyone – yes and especially even an abuse survivor – can do for someone who just cannot let go of the things that someone else did to them or said to them is to find a friend who is willing to hurt us just one more time if it means that they are telling us the truth, are willing to have us mad at them because of the truth, because a friend like the one just described is a real friend and is someone who is not willing to let you continue through your own life hurt and angry and pissing people off because of something that happened that you cannot just get over.
And believe me when I say it – you will not just be able to get over what you are going through or have gone through – this I know for sure because I am in the middle of this very same battle with demons who are older than dirt in “Roxanne Years.” It is not easy to learn new lessons that will banish and even make the old ones invalid. It is not easy to accept the kindness and the beautiful words from strangers that you are everything that they think you are and more, because always is that constant ethereal recording that plays over and over in our heads and permeates our very world. Feeling like a punished child tends to make one behave like one, but not in the manner that you would have a temper tantrum, but rather and in the manner of the hurt you felt a child that you are now experiencing as an adult.
Allow the adult you are to finish raising the child within who hurts so very much
Were it not for one very good, very well-meaning friend who Loves me like there will be no tomorrow (Love You, too, by the way!) I would still be in the fog that is the ego, and the ego is a wiry little prick. He is able to get to us by means of what it is that we covet, and she is able to make us feel like we are less than desirable as mates, and he makes us feel like we have nothing to offer someone else in terms of really anything, and she makes us feel fat and ugly and useless…I could go on and on, but the thing is that the ego is not always the ego that we hear about, the ego that likes to show off and feed on the perceived human failings of others. The ego can be in the form of feeling like we are not good enough to be loved by others, and that message comes through when we find that the one who we adore is somehow not being adorable. The ego can be the voice within that tells us that there is no way that anyone would want to be around us, and so we sulk and we believe what it is that our ego tells us. Our ego is the thing that shields us from hurt, but sometimes, when we come into a situation already bruised, lonely, bored, bummed, the little bastard is already in full swing mode and wreaking havoc on you through the constant reminders that are in our own heads that the people who told us that we were not all that we thought we were according to them …those people were right…
I think not.
The Ego and the Truth of things
I can tend to be very vain and there really is nothing wrong with being vain…until the ego gets involved and starts telling us that how I feel needs to be bolstered and that I need to turn into an ass, and once that happens it can take a while for me to come back to my self, but eventually I do.
The truth of things is that you are what you know you are and have always been, and that no matter what anyone else tells you is the truth of you, only what you know and how you know who you are is the truth and nothing else. I know that I am not what I thought I was and it is not a bad thing, because what I thought I was is what other people told me.
In reality, I have always known the truth, and the truth is that I am loved and that I am accepted just as I am, and that there is no one on the planet who can tell me that I am not, because it is not the truth. Just like what those people who were the adults in my life was not the truth.
I have found that in order to live the truth you must first know what your own truth is. Your abusers told you that you were not all that you knew you were.
Your Soul will tell you that you totally and absolutely ALL are you think you are…
…I Love You All !!…