People who have been abused lose their sense of identity. I know this is the truth because the friends I have always had told me lately that they did not like the me I was before I decided that I need a divorce. It takes a lot for a person to lose who they are to a relationship because there is no guarantee that who you try to become will satisfy your attacker. Again, I know this one personally.
We are who we are and we never have to change that for anybody
Just like no one “turns” gay, no one decides to no longer be who they really are. No one chooses to become something or someone they are not, but when it comes to those who suffer abuse at the hands at their betrothed, there is not a lot that the person who stands to lose themselves can do to avoid it. Abusers are terrific at manipulating people in general, namely those whom they believe they own property rights to. I know that my years as the spouse of one of the wheel and tire industry’s most best known and trusted salesperson served me with a lesson in identity and the importance of keeping hold of our own.
I used to be an erratic fireball, but now my flame burns steadily, like the Sun. I used to be afraid to be who I am back in the day and at the beginning of my marriage, but now I cannot even think to try to be who I am not because it would be like trying to cram my size 8 and a 1/2 foot into a size 6 and a 1/2 shoe. I used to be a whole lot of things that I was expected to become and these days I am just learning to be myself all over again.
Be Yourself, all over again
We do not realize the physical toll it takes on the body when internally we fight against the things going on externally, and this is really bad for us to do because it stresses the physical body badly. When we are told that we are not good enough, that we are not allowed to do things that we really love to do, that who we are is not the best person for the relationship, the person who is still very self-realized will leave the relationship. What no one realizes is that a lot of times the people in a relationship are not fully developed mentally enough yet to not depend on what someone else thinks of us. We are not ready yet to be with someone because we are not yet ready or even know who we really are because we have not yet become that person. We still have to go through some things, and we still have to learn about what is good for us versus what will break our hearts.
We so badly crave acceptance that we try hard to become all that the other person wants and in doing so we forget that there is another, more important person who needs us to be all the true person we are, and that one person is our very self.
We do what we can so that we can earn Love and in doing so fail to know one real truth – we are fine as we are, God made us this way, and no one on the planet knows better what we need and who we are and what is best for us than our very selves. This is a lesson that was hard learned for me, because for a lot of years I was a trophy wife. There came a time when I finally got tired of dressing to make myself look like the fantasy that I went in the other direction and tried hard to make myself less appealing because I believed that in doing so my spouse would love me more because I was not trying to make other men look at me. For many years I believed that this is what he was doing and then one day I realized that the reason he felt I should not look good was because of him – it was never because of another man, only because of one who never knew who he really is and likely never will.
Once we can Love who we are, and once we can accept that we are as perfect as God needs us to be, it is at this point when we can evolve because at this point we have made it ok that we are who we are without permission. Abuse victims always feel like they have to get permission from others to do what they want to do and to be who they really are. We are constantly checking to see if who we are is alright with other people, and this is not ok because it tells us that we are not ok, that no one loves us as we are, and that we had better change so that we can earn the love we need, and more, the very same love that we afford other people with.
This helps make sense as to why it is that abuse survivors, some of us, have ongoing emotional issues, and sometimes there is no help to be had because the truth is that you have to want the help and you have to see in the mirror that something just ain’t quite right. I knew that something was not right with me when my mother told me a few years ago that I looked like an old woman. It made me cry because she was right.
I refuse to allow someone else’s mistrust in me, allow someone else’s issues with themselves be the guide for me. It hasn’t been in a while, and I am positive it won’t be ever again. If I did not bother to want to see to it that I not be the ass hat I turned into because I simply did not fit into the mold I was squished into. It took me some time to get back into shape and it took some time to reinvent what the outside looks like. What the outside looks like is very indicative of what the inside looks like.
So go and take a look at yourself in the mirror and see what your insides look like. If you like what you see, congratulations!
If you don’t like what you see, cover your ears NOW because you are still listening to someone whose best interest they are taking to heart is not yours…
As Always…I Love You All!